SHARK-A-THON! Day 9 Shark Zone!

Day 9 Shark Zone

Sometimes dropping these titles into a random list just pays off well. Other times not so much.

This time when I was hoping for something different? We’re getting pulled right back in.

So the last film was a mostly working but flubbed ending take on the heist with sharks theme. Todays film Shark Zone is….a film dealing with a heist where sharks are involved. Shark Killer it was about retrieving a rare big ass diamond stolen from one drug lord by a gangster and both wanting it back. This time around we have bad guys wanting a man to dig up buried treasure, in shark infested waters that’ve been terrorizing a town.

I was genuinely hoping for something like Sand Sharks, about sharks that pop up in the sand. Or House Shark, about a shark in a house. But here we are. So lets make the best of a so so situation and use this film to directly compare to our last movie and see which one stacks up. There’s a 12 year difference between these two so the question is. Will they use shiity cgi? Or stock footage. Will it have that weird made for cinemax adventure film soundtrack that also could double for something from Red Shoe Diaries? Will our protagonist try to bed every woman they see every moment they’re on camera? We shall see. So once more, we shall dive on in.

Shark Zone

Tagline: Terror Has Surfaced

Synopsis: A fearful man is forced by a criminal organization to hunt for a sunken treasure, in waters where ferocious sharks threaten a small beach community.

ARIBA !!! The film IMMEDIATELY is hitting us with exciting music to let us know we are on board for a magical trip across the sea where adventure awaits and anything is possible! Seriously it’s rather jarring and questionable for a horror film but I’m all in. Ghost Ship wasn’t exactly what anyone would call amazing, but it did have a great opening sequence and charming music that did not fit the mood, but did work for the scene.

But there’s a reason for this music you see. We are going on a flashback journey! We’ve got a Spanish ship being tossed around in a storm and are given a very brief history on the lost ship with our treasure waiting inside for us. This brave ship sailed into a mighty storm and for three days it was tossed around and beaten until it struck a coral bed. Plunging the ship down into the depths along with its crew and all its wealth of Spain.

This movie. Has. A budget! Praises be. It’s a short, fun little tale to help things get setup for us, before bringing us back to the present and we are greeted to a team of tourist on a helicopter being instructed on diving safety by our narrator who serves as guide for this underwater adventure time.

Very quickly we are shown the group of people he is flying out with and just as quickly we learn this is going to be a ride where either most of them make it out alive, or someone will end up on porn hub. Which did not exist yet back then, unfortunately.

We have a couple celebrating their anniversary by going diving. Because the wife tells us it was either diving and exploring under water, or a marathon mud wrestling day of sex. Which sounds slightly horrible. So she chose the diving. However her husband isn’t just the biggest pervy horn dog, he’s also one of those “I pay you the money, you do the thing because you suck and I’m awesome there for I can be an asshole” types. He’s politely asked by our kind diving instructor and tour guide to take off his gold chain. But like any respecting cabbage from Jersey, this man gets offended at the notion of removing such a vital sign of his individuality. So he ignores this advice.

We also have a less asseholish couple who seem a bit more relaxed and well to do. They are listening closely to his instructions which are fairly straight forward and simple.

1.       Stay close together as the water is very murky. So stay together so no one gets lost.

2.       Communicate with each other. Communication is very highly important, it will keep you alive

3.       Listen to what I say and follow me to avoid any danger.

4.       In the event of an emergency the ladies breast can be used as a floatation device

I put that last one in there. Incase you didn’t know.

So there we go. Simple right? Communicate, stay close, listen to me. We all make it out of this alive. Sounds easy.

Of course that won’t happen. Because who has time for rules. To make this trip even more awkward, We learn our dive instructor has his son with him on this flight. It’s his turn with him this weekend and the two quip back and forth rather loudly in front of everyone else, which would be a bit awkward I feel, having to hear all of this. Such great things as “They don’t pay me enough to deal with assholes like these. Your mother drained me in the divorce. With what these idiots pay me, it’s not worth it.” “How about next weekend we just stay home and talk”

It's. Well. Anyway. Time for diving!

If you have to ask do these people listen to his instructions? The answer is hell no. The moment they dive into the water everyone listens to the instructor for a grand total of 10 seconds before venturing off on their own. The nice couple decides ‘Hey lets go look over here, that looks interesting”, and the horny couple decide “We’ve never made it in the ocean baby, lets go over here.” So naturally they go off on their own.

Which. As much as I hate to do it. I gotta give the bald pervy guy points here for being the class clown of F.U.

As they wonder off. Our calm but annoyed instructor tells them, with a beautiful electronic voice effect to simulate being underwater, “Get back here with the group, don’t stray off.” So the bald man turns back to the instructor, and grabs his wifes wet suit covered backside and says “This is the group I’m following buddy”, and takes off to free willy. Its things like that that’ll make you chuckle, or at least me. I mean this guy is either going to die, or come very close and end up suing the instructor.

Even funnier to add on top of all this. Is his son. When the horny couple takes off the son adds in a very emotionless tone “Looks like they aren’t listening to you dad, they don’t respect you.” Then our instructor turns to the other couple who wondered off like lost cattle that saw a shiny thing, so his son adds “They also don’t respect you dad, they won’t listen to you”

It’s like hearing Johnny Five talk but without the charm of being an advanced awoken AI in a deadly robot body.

Anyway back to the carnage I hope is waiting for them all.

Because seriously how awkward would that be, to be the only guided sunken ship tour and have your group always end up dead. The reviews would be fun.

So horny couple aren’t surprisingly out trying to make a porno under the sea. But they are headed straight for the large sunken ship. Her horny hubby has dreams of striking it rich and finding buried treasure in this huge ship. So he hurries on ahead leaving his wife behind. Surely she will be fine and he himself will also. Be Fine.

It’s a very cool ship honestly, and would be pretty cool to explore as well. Not gonna lie. I always wanted to go scuba diving, and this type of thing would absolutely be amazing for me. Hubby seems very taken by all of this as well and the pure size of the entire ship. Making his dreams of gold a bit larger than he’d anticipated. But those dreams are short lived as we are now introduced to something truly fun. A red filtered murder cam shark POV. Imagine Sam raimi’s The Evil Dead ghost vision. But underwater for sharks. That’s what we got here and it’s great.

So we zoom around the ocean through part of the ship out into the fields of ocean crop. Where a terrified horny hubby screams out and is picked up and chomped on by an actual physical effect shark! We’ve got sharks baby! Yeah!! No cgi here. This shark even looks like Bruce the shark they used in Jaws. It’s a huge great white and it is not here to play around. Going from taring into the arm of horny hubby, to carrying him in his mouth and off to his death. Sure thre is onlt so much you can do with a practical effects shark. But man they are utilizing it well. It’s a good mix of stock footage shark recordings and practical effects as we see the wife of horny hubby being devoured as well. It is not pleasant. We have all the old time film tricks going here. We have foley sound effects for every chomp and flesh taring bite. Bones snapping and a giant animatronic shark chomping down. It’s pretty damn savage and I love it.

So right about now would be the time the instructor has noted something is wrong and he should alert his group to regroup and surface.

BUT NOPE!

This movie is going for fucking broke! No one is getting out of here alive! They shark or sharks more appropriately are in a full on frenzy killing. We cut to the other couple and sure enough one by one they too are chomped and torn limb from limb. Blood flooding the water. People screaming out as loud as they can. It’s pandemonium!

And funny as hell. Because the divers son is is the first to be alerted to all the blood in the water, the mass screaming and bouncing body parts so his response is, “Oh jesus, sharks.”

OH YOU DON’T SAY?!

And mind you, these are not small or medium size sharks either. These are full grown adult sized we will swallow you legs and ass first before biting into your chest sharks. Just like Jaws.

So the son is swimming for dear life while his dad stares into the jaws of death and tells him “I am coming son. I am right behind you, keep swimming.”, you can genuinely decide for yourself if the dad was sacrificing himself to hopefully give his son a chance to live or if he was actually swimming with him. It could go either way to be fair. But alas our narrator and once thought protagonist is dead. Again a brutal death and god it’s so nice to have one.

All of these films so far have had cgi sharks, ghost sharks, and native American demon sharks. So having an actual for real practical rubber shark chow down on someone, is an absolute gift, and sorely missed.

So little Jimmy is swimming for his life as a nasty great white is rushing after him intent on another meal. I honestly don’t know what these people did to piss off these sharks so badly. But man they are pissed and hungry. Like angry and hungry. Hangry. Hangry sharks.

It’s a bit dramatic and for once Jimmy is emoting with his body and it works. He’s calling for their helicopter to come pick him up. But quickly flying behind him is the shark. This thing seriously has a jet engine up its ass, it is hauling fin through that water. Which also was pretty hilarious, as the shark is chasing him the film decides to flash us its low budget. As we have a very obviously rubber fin popping out of the water and lazily bobbing as it follows Jimmy. But thankfully Jimmy is lifted out of the water just in time and stares down just as the shark eyes him, and Jimmy eyes him back. There is an exchange of glances and these two swear they will meet again.

Which maybe they do I don’t know. Jimmy is now much older and standing on the docks over looking the water. He was reminiscing about losing his father and 4 rich assholes. We learn that Jimmy is doing alright for himself. He has a house that looks genuinely like a porno set house, he has a lovely wife and an annoying brat of a son.

It’s a nice little family and we quickly learn that though Jimmy is a loving father, he has instilled within his son a deep fear of the ocean. Which even his wife notes she thinks is a little much. But jimmy has no time for these things. He’s only keeping his family alive and safe!

Which, is a lovely lead in to our next segment in this video I can’t not highlight without praising it for everything horrible, fun, and over the top about it.

Jimmy is having a nightmare. He’s on a boat sailing with his wife. They are comically happy in the “Oh dear, I am so happy with you, on this lovely day. We have such a beautiful family.” Happy cheerful music is playing. The sun is out and looking just as beautiful as it can. When suddenly hazy clouds wash over the sun and things turn not so good.  Gray clouds fill the sky. The music turns dramatically suspenseful. The once peaceful boat is now being rocked back and forth in the water. A rain storm is hitting and the boat is already flooded down below deck. Of course we see film of a great white racing toward the boat and sure enough just like in Jaws, the shark breaks through the cabin chomping away. But unlike jaws the shark actually catches someone. It catches Jimmy’s wife. Whom for the record? Is the actual wife of Jimmy’s in real life. Pretty neat honestly. They’ve been married since 1999. Well she’s dead in the dream sequence. Which turns horrific and funny at the same time. The shark is just chomping away at her and literal blobs of gore are being tossed around the room. I am not talking a splatter of blood or someone tossing a hand full of jello in red food dye. No. I am talking a shop vac filled with fake blood, latex chunks, jello and foam, and they are firing off and reloading that sucker multiple times.

Its one of those things where when you are watching it, you aren’t cringing thinking “Oh god that’s gross”, you watch it and your laughing saying “what the hell even is this movie, oh my god that’s awesome!” Seriously this movie has two settings Calm and Extreme. There is no middle sliders here.

The shark, like a true 40’s villain pulls his wife out of the cabin and dangles her in its mouth in front of Jimmy as he dramatically reaches out screaming her name as she reaches out to him crying covered in blood. While the shark roars maniacally while holding her in his mouth. I don’t know who dreamed this thing up and kept going with it, but bless them. Bless them forever.

Okay. So. We have established his tragic backstory. We know the coast of this town had a serious shark problem. Jimmy is head of beach security. He studied great whites exclusively and is doing all he can to keep this town safe and free of sharks. Especially the great whites. But what of the treasure you ask?

Well let’s get into that, shall we?

Much like Jaws with its mayor being concerned about making money and keeping his beaches open. We have a similarly greedy mayor. But he does try to come off as being a caring human. It’s just that. When wealthy Russians come to your office and throw handfuls of money at you. Your priorities change. So we have a bald wealthy mob looking Russian. Who is paying absurd amounts of cash to help out with the towns festival, as well as paying Jimmy to hopefully take him out to the secret location of the sunken ship. Because this sunken ship. Get ready for it. Has diamonds on board.

So. Shark Killer gave us a horny shark killing expert hunting down the worlds biggest diamond for his gangster brother and then a drug lord. Here we have a Russian mobster hunting down diamonds in a sunken ship and demanding Jimmy do so for him.

I enjoyed Shark Killer, but man this movie is insane and I love it.

So we will eventually have to deal with the Russian mobster and his hunger for diamonds. But for now. Well for now we have to deal with a festival and Jimmy on shark watch. This is again both the best and worst thing ever.

It’s great because the film is not hiding these sharks from us. They are here. They are out there, and they are murder crazy.

This film also decided to offer up to all of us some nudity. Something else that had been missing in the previous films. It’s a healthy dose because. We are on a beach. Beaches mean hot babes in bikinis. It also apparently means that you can go topless at the beach and not get in trouble for it. Because there are. There are a lot. A LOT of nipples out. And our local lifeguard is all too happy to point this fact out for us as he oogles every bare pair of breast his eyes see. Much to Jimmy’s amusement. That is until a shark sticks its fin out of the water and gives Jimmy a wink of remembrance. Jimmy is freaking out and screams at the lifeguard to clear the water. Get people out ASAP!

What takes place in the next few moments. Is this films cocaine fueled ballet of gore. It’s like someone told the writers “Well in Jaws they saw the shark on the beach as he killed the boy on the raft.” Meanwhile their writer lifts his head out of the mountain of cocaine on his desk and laughs a nasally laugh “Were gonna KILL THEM ALL!!”

Which they just about do!

These sharks are moving like a coordinated hit squad. They are taking out kids, old people, bikini babes and surfing hunks. I mean seriously 5 or more people are killed off instantly. There are dead ass white people all over the place.

On top of the gory kills. Which these are make no mistake about it. Super bloody. But on top of that. We are being tossed some of the worst acting, worthy of an early Troma film. We have the lifeguard doing his closest cartoon would hitting his head with a mallet as his 12 foot tongue rolls out impression while eyeing the ladies. He also delivers the great line of “Oh my god, a shark!” as he’s told there is a shark but confirms it once he see’s it. We get a kid staring off into the water while people scream and swim for shore. Waiting until a shark chomps someone in half before letting out the calmest scream and fake terrified look. We get equally bad looks of terror from our victims and those witnessing said carnage.

But it isn’t until after the carnage. That things get amped up even more.

Before we get there though, I really do have to say this is what straight to VHS and video store glory looks like. You want blood, you got it, and there’s not a lot of plot to get in the way of that movie. It’s beautiful and hilarious. Again all while taking itself pretty seriously. We are 30 minutes into an hour and thirty minute film and we have only just begun to touch upon the Russian diamond plot. While we are 40% invested in the sharks feeding on everyone plot.  I love this. I really do.

What more could you possibly love? Well that’s the wonderful master class of acting we’re getting into. Jimmy has left the murder beach and slams onto the mayors desk a half eaten surf board. The mayor. Played by day time soap actor Alan Austin. Cannot hold a straight face while delivering his lines. The look he has is just. Blissful. Jimmy commands they close the beaches immediately, the mayors answer is something worthy of an award, “That’s insanity. I can’t do that. I know some people lost their lives out there, I’m not completely insensitive to that. Okay?....but I gotta deal with the people who make their livelihood in this town. I am not going to let a bunch of people. Lose their businesses. Over some random act of nature.”

Of course this goes over well with Jimmy. It goes over so well, he loses his cool and quotes Jaws. “You let those people go out in that water, you may as well ring the dinner bell!”, why these movies can’t help themselves with direct line pulls, or references to the film. I don’t know. You’d think they would find it cringe but. Well the movies I’ve suffered through, I am beginning to think they just don’t care.

So Jimmy is being tasked with hunting and killing the shark. While leaving the beaches open for their festival. Which means Jimmy must put together a crack team of shark killing buddies. The plan is to sail out the next morning and. Well. Not apparently kill them. Though he is told to do so. He wants to do so. He instead opts to take the slow road. He wants to find the sharks and tag a few of them. So they can track them and discover if there are more of them or not.  I mean it makes sense? But it’s also a good way to get your people killed considering these sharks have shown they do not give a crap for anyone or anything. They will tare ass and feast on everything they see without hesitation. It’s highly doubtful they’ll end up just casually letting these guys tag them and swim off. But hey, we’re here. This is the ride we’re taking so. Lets see if it pays off for them.

I will give Jimmy credit. Compared to Chase Walker. Jimmy is not afraid of the water. He also doesn’t hate it. He’s doing his job and doing it well. He’s also not banging everyone on the island. His one and only concern is the safety of the towns people and his family. But he also doesn’t have a mummy or a criminal brother coming after him so. Maybe he’s got it easy.

But back to what should prove to be an interesting encounter. We have Jimmy’s team of shark hunters all in shark cages. They’ve been given the simple order. Tag all the sharks you can. Kill those you can’t. Okay so the kill policy IS in effect.

Credit again must be given here to this movie. They know how to effectively use stock footage and make it work with the film. Their divers are wearing suits that match nearly perfectly the suits of the divers, and in some cases mannequins used in the stock film clips of actual great whites.

Now I say mannequins because that’s what they did in Jaws. To get the scale right for how huge the great white had to be in that movie. A husband and wife team went out with a small shark cage and a child size dummy put in the cage. They got some amazing shots and at one point the shark goes nuts and ends up tangling itself in the lines. Which they use in the film, and in real life looks absolutely horrifying given the size of the shark.

Well I am genuinely hoping they did the same because if not. These are without a doubt some of the largest great whites I’ve seen in years. Which those sharks are already huge to begin with. But these really are near twice the size of a normal person.

So how many sharks did his team end up tagging? Zero. How many sharks did they kill? Zero.

How many people made it back onto the boat? Zero.

Yep. The sharks did what they do. Three shark hunters were all killed mercilessly. The sharks tore apart those cages and ate every last one of them with little hesitation.

I mean of course it’s still funny. Jimmy is not the best actor even after aging earlier in the film. He reacts to their three deaths like someone who just ran over a nail and has to buy a new set of tires. Because he knows they’re gonna sell him on how you need to keeps the tires balanced or it’ll unevenly wear them if you just replace the one.

The only good to come out of this? The mayor is finally willing to consider the possibility that the beaches should, for a short time. Be shut down to allow Jimmy time to get over his friends deaths, and hunt down the shark. But after that its business as usual.

So Jimmy is a sad man. He’s a sad man and he needs to take care of his shark problem. But for now he must get drunk. Because dead friends. He is not the best drunk actor. In fact he’s pretty damn horrible as a drunk. I dare say me and my sister played better drunks pretending our parents gave us booze in Hawaii. It’s a mostly pointless seen that is really only played to give us more laughs. We have poorly acted drunk Jimmy telling off the Russian gangster who is still politely asking him to get those diamonds he believes are hidden on that hidden boat. And we also have a young couple who’d been drinking. Deciding lets go skinny dipping because sure, 3 men just died from a massive shark attack, and 8 others died the day before that. What could go wrong? Look at my boobs! Yes its an excuse for the film to toss some more breast at us. Which again isn’t so bad. It’s just not the time or place. YES there is a proper time for booba!

Well naturally those two die horribly. I mean it’s expected now. You go in the water. Your dead. This film alone is surpassing all body counts from 8 other films combined. I freakin love it.

The only thing of relevance we get out of this entire evening is two main takeaways. The Russian is turned down by a drunk Jimmy. And the local bartender offers to go shark hunting with Jimmy, why? Because he used to go fishing with his dad. So maybe this guy will last longer than the other three trained diver shark hunters.

Well, as Jimmy sleeps off his tequila hangover. The Russian mob man is having a meeting with his Russian mob thugs. Evily discussing how they will get Jimmy to do his bidding. Mentioning in his thickest face Russian accent “He has a son. We can get to heem” they laugh maniacally and the scene thankfully ends.

Because now its back to playing will they live or die!

Jimmy has his boat primed and ready to go. He’s got his bartender buddy, and a guy that looks like Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds piloting the boat. They are all armed appropriately and ready for action.

No getting in the water this time. Which is unfortunate.

Or IS IT?!

There is no way in hell they are going out on the water without someone dying.

Well thank god for the ignorant dumbasses of the beach! We have signs all over the beach that state CLOSED BEACH! NO SWIMMING. Well they didn’t say anything about wind boarding!

It’s sad but you know damn well there are idiots that do this and know they’ll get in trouble. So we have 4 people out sailing on their surf boards and booing Jimmy and his boat as they crash their sailing fun and tell them no beach means no beach. Well thankfully the sharks agree with Jimmy and give him a wink and thumbs up. They’ve got things handled.

One by one these sharks are taring these kids apart and its as bloody and fun as every other kill. However there is something else to laugh at past Jimmy’s horrible acting. It isn’t the murders. For once it’s the stock film. So far they’ve been using it pretty effectively and convincingly. With only one real exception. Which was seeing a shark from under the water swallowing meat on a line. But they used it to give the appearance that the shark was underneath swallowing a man. Funny but still passable.

However here we have one swimmer left of the four sailing kids. They are crying and she is doggy paddling her heart out on that board to get to the boat. All while several great whites chase after her. But she makes it aboard just in the nick of time.  But the stock footage however. Should’ve been cut. But for some unknown reason. They decided to keep in 7 solid seconds of film Where we see a shark that took a snap at the back of a boat, and boops with its nose a large obvious chunk of meat used to entice the shark to the surface. It just kind of floats there for a few seconds on screen and it’s pretty distractingly funny.

But at least Jimmy finally managed to save one person. Which is hilarious. The man’s one job. ONE JOB. Is to keep those beaches safe, and every time he’s gone out to stop these killings. Everyone is dying. But Jimmy managed to do a little bit of good. He managed to take three sharks in the process of watching the other kids being eaten alive. So score one for team Jimmy.

But we aren’t done yet. With those sharks now tagged and traceable. Jimmy and his bartender friend take off in a helicopter. This movie is sparing no expense. We’ve had two big helicopters in this movie so far, and a handful of large marine tech boats.

So do they track these sharks? Yes, yes they do.

Do they discover where the sharks congregate? Absolutely yes.

Do the sharks leap up to attack the helicopter? Unfortunately no. Missed opportunity.

Instead we get a hilarious what the hell are we even watching scene.

Jimmy is dropping depth charges into the water. He’s also packing shotguns, rifles. The man has an entire arsenal. He’s bringing the pain and letting the bullets of payback rain down from the sky. The pod of killer sharks are being given a godfather 3 style hit and it’s great. Many countless numbers of great whites are put down. Tony the Shark. Mikey the Shark, Sonny, even sweet Fredo.

So this is a time for celebration obviously! But again…..OR IS IT?!

Well yes. Yes it is. But also no. No it isn’t.

The mayor is ready to declare this day victory over the sharks. But Jimmy still worries there may still be sharks out there. See he’s obsessed with how we still don’t know the gestation period for great whites. So its hard to say if they did get them all, if they didn’t get them all. If only their families were killed by not the heads of the family. If there will be any retribution killings. If the heads of the five families will want war or not. It’s shark business. It’s all very complicated.

But the mayor says funk that noise. It’s a victory, and Jimmy concedes.

So now with the beaches free of murder sharks. The Russians decide why not ask Jimmy again to do us a big favor and take us to the sunken ship for those diamonds. Of course Jimmy wants none of this and tells the Russian man in his white suit to get lost. Well this time they are not so friendly. They make a very not so thinly veiled threat against Jimmy’s family. Which grants us another beautiful line delivery from Jimmy. Sitting calm as can be at a diner table. Pointing off to the side of the Russian and calmly shouting “Get the fuck off my beach”, things like this? Bring me back to my sister and me sitting in on an acting class and hearing people act out a scene tossing a bunch of papers to the floor and emoting the lines “This is what I think of Mr. So and so’s test paper!” You get some people over acting. You get some people doing a decent job. Then you get emotionless voids like Jimmy. But we love him for it. He tries. He really really tries.

So of course the meeting goes south and it’s time to kick things into gear. We have the shark problem taken care of. So time for the diamond problem. The Russians plan to kidnap Jimmy’s kid and use him as bait to push Jimmy into helping them.

This movie again, I have to say. Has only two settings, and one of them is broken. So your only choice is rapid insanity.

Do the Russians

A.      Snatch and grab his son after school and zoom off in their van before anyone notices?

B.      Do the Russians break into the house smashing jimmy in the face, holding his wife at gun point and take off with his son?

C.       Do they take both his son AND wife hostage so they can creepily leer at his wife and stroke her cheek while taunting the kid to shut up or they’ll kill his mommy?

D.      Or do the Russians use explosives and gun fire to take out cars and stop Jimmy’s school bus to rampage inside and grab him.

The answer? D.

These people are using planted explosives. Taking out car after car after car, blowing up a tunnel and finally zooming out in front of the bus to stop it, then bash their way inside. Tossing kids aside and taking Jimmy’s kid with them.

Extreme overkill? Perhaps. Entertaining? Absolutely.

So Jimmy is left with no choice. Either his son dies, or he gets the diamonds.

So he goes for the diamonds.

Which honestly works out pretty well in the end.  Somewhat. I mean he doesn’t actually have to go diving himself for the diamonds. Instead he just has to give the Russians directions on their boat and a team of Russian goons will go out and collect the diamonds. Easy enough. Only nothing in this film is ever easy enough. Yes the Russians discover the diamonds, yes they discover a few great whites survived. Absolutely they die horrible. One after the other.

But at least they discovered the diamonds so. There is that at least. It’s all about the little victories.

Well right now there is only crushing Russian defeat. So this means Jimmy has to dive  down and get the diamonds. But he’s not going alone. Jimmy is going down with the last Russian guard.

This can only go. You already know. Or…DO…YOU.

Jimmy is not going to bow down to these Russian thugs. Though he could. I mean they aren’t entirely unreasonable. Get the diamonds. Don’t die. You go free. Works simple enough. Well Jimmy has his own plan. Did anyone say underwater knife fight? BECAUSE YOU GOT IT! There’s an underwater goddamn knife fight with the Russian bodyguard. And it’s…it’s pretty lackluster. Honestly the underwater fights in the old Bond movies were great and well done. This was just. Ill shot and poorly executed. But bless their hearts for trying.

So we are down a Russian guard and are left with just three people. Jimmy tells evil Russian crimelord he has the diamonds and is headed back for the boat. He stealthily slides up the ladder. Sneaks up behind the Russian and we have ourselves a final boss fight!

The chubby Russian crime boss, and poor acting Jimmy. The fight is. Well it’s not the greatest. Jimmy manages to kick and punch the Russian pretty well and enough to net himself a pretty solid fight. But the Russian has a pistol and bullets hit harder than fist. So Jimmy is shot. The Russian is launched off the boat and almost directly into the mouth of a waiting murder hungry great white.

However Jimmy doesn’t react well to bullets and needs a few moments to himself. Meanwhile the boat is on fire. Because of wild bullets setting fires. Much to the not really scared but mildly concerned kid that is Jimmy’s son. Who casually calls for his dad to wake up and save them. Which he does. Because we need our happy ending. So jimmy and son escape and all is well with the world. Murder sharks roam the waters of San Francisco, that town is still in huge danger. But the diamonds are safe and the Russians are dead.

So what? SO LETS GO ON A CRUISE!!!

Yeah! That’s how we end this thing. A huge cruise ship vacation for Jimmy and his family, No he didn’t go back down for the diamonds. Jimmy stays true to his character. He didn’t care for the diamonds. He doesn’t care if the diamonds are really there or not. He wanted his son safe, so he got him to safety. I like to believe he just told that town smell ya later and left them to deal with murder hungry ravenous great white sharks where countless hundreds of other swimmers will all die daily. And here he is. Not giving a fuck, enjoying a cruise.

The end.

This movie. Oh boy oh boy.

So first off, the film itself. This was a lot of fun. It wasn’t horribly bad. It wasn’t cheesy. Really. It had its moments but by and large it remained entertaining and true to itself. The film took itself seriously while dousing us in buckets of murder any chance it could. Which you need in a horror film. The only real gripe here is the acting. The acting is not the best, but it’s still ‘okay’. No one is winning any awards here. But it did have a surprising amount of shark action. That is a huge pluss. There is some CGI in the film but it is very sparingly used. Practical effects win out and it’s used largely to an effective degree.Up until you get the shark fin cam. That’s about the only real downside to it. It almost feels like they either got the sharks from one of the jaws sequels, or paid a good chunk of change for them. But cut corners on the rest. The stock footage is the big star this film utilizes often and again, mostly effectively.

I think it’s also funny to mention that this film? Is technically. Loosely an unnamed sequel in the Shark Attack films. It’s the third in the series apparently. Though again not directly?

I actually had a long debate over including those films in this months list, but I really wanted and felt it best to stay away from franchises. Because it almost feels like a cheat to just go with several of the same, versus discovering a handful of gems, or lumps of shit in the cat box.

Now as we said before. This is a fun comparison to the last movie given it mirrors very closely the same plot. But does one surpass the other?

Honestly? I mean this movie had a better ending. For sure. It also had oooh something the other was lacking. What was it. Oh. SHARKS!!

But seriously.

I don’t really think I can compare the two, honestly. I mean one’s more setup as a comedy, the other is a straight up B movie. One has a brother calling in a favor to steal a diamond he stole from another bad man. The other has a mayor taking money from a rich Russian mobster who’s after a bundle if diamonds. Both end with a shark. But one had a bit more believable of an ending. Shark Zone.

Honestly I enjoyed both about the same, but this one more so because it took the shark action and amped it up. Sort of like Shark killer amping up the comedy and character tropes. Both had some great effects work and one or two scenes of cringy action. Though this one did not have a double cross. But I would’ve applauded it had the sharks crossed one another. Like imagine Jimmy paid off one of the sharks and got him to rat out the others. He’s the only shark wearing sunglasses and a wire.

God what if Jimmy did that himself. What if he dressed up in a shark outfit and tried blending in with the murder shark club to figure out where they usually meet and what part of the beach they planned to strike next.

Entirely different movie. But I’d still watch it and cheer for it.

Which honestly that’s the most I think I can say at this point for all of these films. I don’t go looking for the worst of the worst, just because. I also don’t shit on the worst films for fun. I’m gonna call out the things that don’t work and if its crap yeah I’ll call it out as I see it. But I still look for things to enjoy in them. Because believe it or not we need more films like Shark Killer and Shark Zone. Just movies where fans cheer for no ones because they find entertainment in below bottom of the barrel movies. Neither of these films bored me. They all were incredibly entertaining and I’d watch them again happily.

But if we REALLY need to name a winner? Well…

Best Shark scenes? Shark Zone

Best plot? Shark Killer

Best Female lead? Shark Zone

Best Male lead? Shark Killer

Best Bad Guy? Shark Killer

Best action? Shark Zone

Best kills? Shark Zone

And that’s being generous. But yeah. Shark Zone is the better overall fun film. It made me laughing the most, it had sharks. The kills were great and overly bloody, the villains were cookie cutter and meh, but overall it just had the better payoff. Shark Killer had the better villains though hands down. Not just even because their leader was Imotep. But because you had a structured villain hierarchy. This one you just had goons and a mob guy.

Again I’d still happily recommend both. Even do it as a double feature with friends just to ask them which they prefer and why.

Check it out for sure. I had a lot of fun. I really feel it’s the most I’ve had in a long time since watching these films. It’s exactly what you’d want to put in after a long day and something to help you forget things going on outside the living room. Unless it’s a fire. Then you really should consider dealing with that. Honestly be careful out there.

I really am enjoying doing this and I know there is still 21 films to go so this could really quickly turn into a cry for help. But even then I’ll enjoy myself. So long as we never ever see again. Another Shark Huntress.

Until tomorrow!