SHARK-A-THON Day 10!! Bad CGI Sharks! aka SHARK!

Day 10 SHARK!

We’ve made it to day 10. This is good, I feel good about this. And I shall say this before hand. This will not be another diamond heist shark film. Though I actually would be curious to hunt down and do a special on just those kind of themed films.

I also wondered why they never did a Romancing the Stone sequel with sharks. I mean it could work. We’ll have to get back to that. For now. We have another film that goes by many names.

Amazon will call this Shark! As will a few retailers. But SRS Cinema and everywhere else, know it has Bad CGI Sharks. I mean. Either is fun and this looks to be just that. But we have learned in the past that box art and what’s written on the back of those, is not always what they deliver.  So lets find out as we dive on in to what I can only hope will be another fun shark night and not a drop into madness.

Shark!?Bad CGI Sharks

Tagline: Quote from Movieweb “The ultimate answer to all those bad shark movies.”

Synopsis: When two estranged brothers reunite after years apart, they have much more to worry about than just clashing personalities. A magical muse brings their unfinished childhood script to life and soon a poorly rendered shark is floating through their neighborhood, thirsty for blood! As the brothers flee through the night, they’re forced to face their broken bond and dashed dreams.

Well there we have it. Meta shark parody. Sounds like a promising time. And we begin with, well a well dressed fancy lad living in the underground magical movie layer deep under the ground of Hollywood California.  Sort of. He wants to introduce us to his. Well something. Ah yes. GORE!

This films entire first 4 mintues are…

A fever dream of insanity and horrible humor.

I kinda love it.

The gore he wishes to show us is our first kill by a…cgi shark. It’s a blonde slipping into some comfortable lace lingerie which we all do late in the evening, just some of us are open enough to admit it. She’s texting her boyfriend and as caring a man as he is the first thing he ask her is. Is she off her period. I won’t open up my relationship advice column again for this one as I think its best left alone. But she tells him she is and he’s all set to come over and go to pound town. Which she is herself all to eager for. And gives us a fun cheap laugh as she hashtags her message to him #Waitingtobeeaten. This movie is rolling in its filth and loving it.

Naturally there is a floor shark all to ready to answer her hashtag as we see a fin swim by, and then again. She’s being circled on her rather classy bed. Which kudos on having the cat face blanket for a curtain. Well she gets curious, as victims in these movies do, and decides to venture off the mattress of safety. And onto the floor of doom, where death awaits with nasty big pointy teeth.

Yes she dies tragically and there is light gore. But we’re building up to something here. Much like Avalanche shark with their long game setup for a racist joke. We’re building for a joke you should be able to see in your head about now.

No longer than a few moments after her bloody passing her horny boyfriend comes over only to find her gone, he enters her bedroom grumbling about finding a bloody tampon hanging out of the trash can and how gross it is. He stops and stares, seeing the bed sheets smothered in blood. You know it’s coming don’t you? It is. He stares at the gore on the bed, hand to mouth then says, “What, did your pussy explode?”

They went for a period joke.

Goddamn.

But we aren’t done yet. This things going into further parody. Shortly after his remark, we see a homage to of all movies to do this for, in a killer shark film. Halloween.

The shark, is wearing a bedsheet, and the girls glasses. The shark charges the boyfriend and…end scene.

That was the gore he wished to show us.

A woman in lingerie, freshly off her period, murdered by a shark, and a boyfriend killed by a ghost sheet shark. It’s simple, funny, and to the point.

What is the point?

Well, Bernardo, or host. He is changing lives with his abilities. He is a living muse you see. He likes to help others reach their inspirational peaks. Their dreams. So he helps them achieve this by bringing into reality what it is they’d love to have happen. Which he gives some examples. The gore we watched? That was just something he himself made. Not a true example. He just wanted to show off. I respect that.

No, his examples are, hilariously horrible and corny. One example of his powers was to help a woman who wished to write a romance novel, but having never known a love like the one she wished to write about, our muse Bernardo granted her a man that fit every ideal she had for the most romantic partner. And then he took him away. Which prompted her great success in writing her romance novel “I was better off with my vibrator”, That wasn’t the best example. So he offered a better one, about a man who wished to write about a serial killer cannibal who also had sex with his victims corpses, and…well yes, he also did and it was called “Memoirs of a serial cannibal sex-addict”

These are horrible examples, and he is a horrible muse. He admits these are not great examples but hey! He is changing lives here!. Surely there is one story that demonstrates perfectly what it is he does. So we now reach the third example, a story about estranged brothers Matthew and Jason. A 90 minute example. Which he promises will be loaded with sharks! Sharks! Sharks! To keep our attention. They know what we want. Kudos.

Backstory time! These brothers grew up close as possible, always playing and being weird. They wanted so badly to make monster movies when they grew up. So they practiced by making amateur films as kids. All with the goal to make their ultimate project. A killer shark film! But their dad thought they were weird, so he did his best to separate the brothers and keep them from being, weird. So as time moved on, one of them kept to this dream and the other went down their own path. Fast forward to present and we have these two forces of film brought together.

Short. Simple. And onto one of the more light hearted and fun opening credits scenes I’ve seen in. A very long time. It’s a fun shot by kids monster movie with stuffed animals and a well armed army helmet wearing dual machine gun toting shark named Chumy. I hope Chumy will be in this movie. He better be.

Well once our ACTUAL movie begins. We begin with Matthew. Who appreciates his sleep as much as I seem to lately. You reach a point as you grow older where you realize why our parents all took their time getting out of bed and getting ready. You need that extra bit of rest after waking up, followed by morning meditative laying in bed wondering why you even exist. But Matthew is a man of responsibility. He has no time for such things. He slept in and is paying the consequences of his actions. Rushing out the door and ignoring every single call and text from his mother. He also narrowly missing hitting his neighbor who for some reason is very adamant about the two of them watching a sex change documentary together. Matthew has no time for this! No one does. Which is your loss people. There actually are some interesting documentaries on the subject. But I digress.

As he’s hurrying out to work he finally decides to listen to his messages from mom. Which round about informs him that A. There is something wrong with his father and B. his brother is going to be his new roommate very, very, very soon. This mans day is not going well. But he’s a true slave to the grind and he’s on his way regardless of a bone shattering car crash to work. He began the day full of hope. He is now beginning it with red sweat pants(Because he spilt his coffee cup of cereal on his lap in the car), and one missing shoe (Because the news of his brothers arrival caused him to crash his car hard enough to send his shoe flying) If ever a man was in need of a Snickers break. This would be him.

No this is not a long setup for a joke. Those are scattered throughout the film and in a way that it’s enough to keep you going. But not annoyingly over done one after the other, like the season of MST3K with Jonah. I love MST3K and that season had some good ones. But man they were overly trying a few times with just one joke after the other after the other not giving them time to land and sink in.

We do get another wtf joke though, this is a parody on the vast hill that is trashy shark films remember? So Matthew arrives to work, one of his coworkers checks in with him and wishes him luck with an interview he has today. Today of all days! She tells him she’d tag along to chat but she has to finish up working on the story for…I’d almost want to see the IMDB for this project, and a trailer.  Shark Rapist 7: The Season of the Anus.

Shark Rapist 7: Season of the Anus.

I…I kind of. I have so many questions. Like what where the first 6 about?! Seriously what were the other six previous Shark Rapist films THAT ULTIMATELY LEADS TO SEASON OF THE ANUS!

I don’t know who came up with it, or felt it was a good idea. But rats off to ya.

Actually I legit laughed at something else much later because I’ve said almost the same thing to a friend I used to work with when it came time to do their review. When Matthew sits down to talk with his boss for the big interview he explains his attire and the fact he had to change his slacks because of spilt milk. So she makes the corny joke “Well at least you didn’t cry over spilt milk haha…did you?” and the look she gives. Love it.

Kyle was a stoner I used to work with and this guy was the walking stereotype of a stoner, right down to telling you stories whether you wanted to hear them or not with details of how many liters of alcohol he and his friends consumed, how many grams they smoked. He was…something else. But god I used to love messing with him, and I never asked if he cried over spilt milk, but I did say something similar that now a days would be incredibly not acceptable in 2022. Actually that’s a lot of my stories from jobs I had. A LOT of what was said and done and I said, and did would get you fired many, many times over.

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY!!!! In this film! We get part of an answer to my earlier question concerning Shark Rape sequels! They have on the wall of their office a poster for Shark Rape 6: Bait Rape!

Sweet lord baby jesus.

It even has a damn tag line. The Creep from the Reef is back!

Any. Who.

This interview does not, and could not go any other way than horrible. He can’t focus. He’s giving generic answers and his mind is focused solely on the soul crushing reality that is. Jason. His brother coming to be his new roommate for possible ever. No he is not looking forward to this. It’s a fun if short scene and I love his boss. Her dry delivery is great and her response to him answering her question of, why he wants this promotion, is relatable and wonderful.

We have only had one shark attack so far and I’m not too worried because the film is keeping us entertained and we were promised. Sharks, sharks, sharks!

What they did not prepare us for. Nothing could ever prepare anyone for. Is his brother Jason.

If man child had a face. This would be it. He’s dressed between a special needs adult and a vacationing school boy on his first trip to the big city. He also has a 9inch top knot.

This might just be the screen cap for the movie at this point. It is truly a thing to behold. What’s worse is between his beard and the dong knot we’ll call it. It kinda works. In this horrid reality.

Well naturally Jason is the opposite of his brother. Out going, a dreamer full of hope. And a homeless man agreed with me. He called Jason Hair Dick.

We get a quick montage of Jason rampaging his joy filled heart through Hollywood until he arrives, and falls asleep on the foot steps of his brothers home. Which actually the home could pass for the directors home. Some of these places just have that natural look to them other films can’t seem to capture.

It’s almost creepy at times how close Jason mimics my sister and me in our 20’s. The way he acts about a script they wrote as kids being their ticket to success? Reminds me of my script I wrote and still have, The FURBS, a movie about killer furbies. I still think there are nuggets of gold in this. But its more a window into a time in my life that, we aren’t yet ready to discuss.

But Jason very much is. Don’t worry. The movie isn’t going to go overboard with the odd couple routine, thankfully. It keeps things rather tightly knit and with their theme of keep the jokes flowing but not over bearing.

So Jason has a dream. Which he can now realize as their dad kicked him out of his house, as his dad lacked ambition for their project, and thus why he is now rejoined with his brother Matthew. His dream, and as he puts it “A deceptively endearing way of reminding you of the unbridaled joy of our perfect childhood?” in the form of a script they came up with together for their ticket to success. A shark film called Sharks outta water. Which he tries to sell to him after the brothers partake in some Californian weed. I say this only because I don’t know how good Wisconsin weed is and we have no idea were Jason got it from. But it’s leading them down a path of foreboding action.

Just as Jason talks about the need for them to use good cgi sharks or practical shark effect because nothing ruins a movie more than bad CGI, In comes Bernardo the muse with a horrible cgi intro. It’s time for him to work his magic. All he needs is these brothers. Without explanation, to say the three magic words. Lights. Camera. Action!

And as a high Jason helps to finish those words, and the REAL movie can begin!

So has anything changed? Oh yes indeed. As the brothers wake up we are greeted to Matthrews neighbor. Now heavily armored. In a furnace filter, a pasta strainer, padding and armed with both a tennis racket as well as knife, fork, and spoon taped to his hand. Partly because he planned to take out a hornets nest. But now? Now because a shark floating in the air tried to attack him!

As he learned previously from Sharks of the Corn, there is nothing more dangerous than air sharks.

Is the neighbor safe? Do we need to ask? Well for anyone who did ask. Bernardo appears out of a couple of garbage cans to inform us that. No, he is not safe. As he giggles joyfully and whispers to us the audience “First victim! Heehee” Is it bloody? Oh god no. Is it funny? Its cheesy funny. We hear a shark growl followed by the neighbor comically throwing himself left and right while shouting until he doesn’t resurface. Things are finally getting under way!

And its working.

As the evening comes on and Matthew decides to do some laundry while his brother watches a shark film. The guy really loves sharks. I relate. Every night this month is sharks.

Most of my life has been sharks.

Anywho…

As Matthew is reminiscing over his forgotten childhood while doing his brothers laundry and his own. Looking over a very cool shirt of two sharks beside each other and “Best Chums” written across it. It’s time to kick this movie into full gear. And as we hear a growl, and Matthew shakily lowers the shirt. We finally see our shark…or a shark. It is gloriously horrible cgi. But yes. The shark is working.

The shark, is working.

If these damn movies can make Jaws references then damnit I am aloud to make behind the scenes Jaws references.

So rather quickly things turn into a dash for safely. Which for the most part one of our two brothers is taking seriously. Matthew. Matthew is. He readily runs damn near down the street, until realizing he has a brother, and he really should try to save him. So he returns to his home, shaken and in the midst of a panic attack. Grabbing a chef’s knife and frosting tool from the kitchen. His brother is rightly confused, until he too hears the roar of a shark and floating into Matthews home, and into our hearts. Comes the very poorly done but still fun cgi shark. In all its full beautiful glory.

Jason looks to be partly caught between a dream, terror and possibly a hard on at this site. So Matthew has to drag him off the couch with of all things to quote in a shark movie and I give them kudos for? Lord of the Rings. He shouts at Jason as he grabs him, “Run you fool!” and the duo take off out the house and down the street. Until the shark decides its chomping time and continues chasing the brothers to a convenience store.

This would seem their one time to relax and regroup after the recent events that played out for them. It’s also a good time for Matthew to have his panic attack and ask his brother to call the police. However Jason isn’t sure if they need to call the police about the shark, or the panic attack.

It’s the shark attack…he wants to call about the shark attack. Obviously.

It’s a fun exchange and call on a payphone(which  how they found one still around?...bless) This movie honestly has some pretty good interactions and sudden comedic exchanges. But I’m really enjoying the popups and sometimes interruptions from Bernardo. Who makes another appearance as the brothers are once again being chased off by the killer shark, and unfortunately they end up running into him. Literally, and destroying his magical clipboard. He ends up reintroducing himself to the brothers who at least one of has a lot of angry questions to ask him as they believe it’s all his fault this is happening. Which it is. Mostly.

Mostly it’s a fun moment because again the pokes at low budget shark films and a direct remark he makes regarding this shark where Matthew explains to him they’re being chased by a very shitty rendered CGI shark, which Bernardo defends “It looks really good” then mumbles to us the audience “For the budget.” I mean. Magic man is kinda right.

He explains to the brothers the reason for all of this terrible cgi bloodshed. They are leading an adventure of their own making based on their shark-xploitation script obviously! They just need to come to terms with that. When they ask him how that’s possible, he realizes he needs to explain again in the film how his magical clipboard works. He knows this might be boring for the audience so he charmingly decides to give us a break while he does so. This break as he puts it, shall contain gratuitous tits for us to enjoy. Don’t get too excited, Though I loved it. Our gratuitous titties are, gorilla nipples. He said he’d show us titties, he didn’t say they would be human.

So as our gorilla tits leave us and our lives. The brothers are now fully informed and Jason is all too happy about this now. Which makes Bernardo happy as he feels his work is actually being appreciated.

Bernardo is now a member of our group. Things can only improve from here on out.

He explains the unfortunate reality that with his magical clipboard now broken, he cannot call cut, or action. This could theoretically go on forever. Ever. Ever.

I was fully waiting for the meta in the movie to become a bit much. But it has not yet done so. Thankfully. At least not obviously. But it does have fun with them at least. Much like SCREAM doing it’s ‘how to survive a horror film’ and discussion on the structure of horror films to help them know the killers next move. This does the same. However they do so in glorious bullet point presentation. Which for those curious what happens in a monster or shark film at this point. 10 days into a shark-a-thon….who need it spelled out. Ahem.

1.       Random attack

2.       Introduction of the lead(s)

3.       The monster attacks the Lead(s)

4.       The Lead(s) flee the danger

5.       The Monster Pursues No Matter Where They Run

6.       The Monster Kills the People the Lead(s) Love.

7.       The Lead(s) retaliate

8.       Either the monster or the lead(s) die.

So there we go, and according to our magic man. 5 of these have received checkmarks so. We’re getting there. Slowly but surely.

This is blowing the mind of Jason naturally and he is really the best hype man a magical muse could ask for, and any of us for that matter. Until we don’t because he wears out his welcome and anytime you see them in the same room you need to be in you just immediately, silently dare them to say something, and when they do another part of you slowly dies and is replaced with anger.

But moving on.

Matthew soon realizes this could mean his brother might die, but he doesn’t ‘love’ love, his bro right now so. This can only mean his work place crush who said earlier they’d be working on Shark Rapist 7: Season of the Anus! He immediately takes off despite his brother trying to tell him floating bullet point presentations conjured up by chubby men with accents is far more surreal and mind blowing than whatever it is he’s running off for.

Or…IS. IT?!

You decide.

This film is about to drop another golden nugget on us in our quest for answers.

YES IT MEANS WE SEE ANOTHER DAMN SHARK RAPIST POSTER!!

As Matthew arrives at his old place of work and we find his love interest hard at work on her laptop…drawing horribly bad Batman villains and other characters. Sure enough, on the wall. Is a poster WITH tagline for Shark Rapist 2: Deep Blue Balls. And the tagline? “You’re gonna need a bigger throat!”

At least Jason is as excited as I am. Not for shark rape. Or rape in general. That’s not something anyone should be excited for. OBVIOUSLY HE’S EXCITED FOR BEING IN A PLACE THAT MAKES SHARK MOVIES!

Imagine that. A place I’d work in, for free. Daily. A building who’s business is solely dedicated to the writing and making of nothing but Shark films. Fuck yeah.

Actually. Since beginning watching these films? Seeing what gets made and for how little. I’m sorely tempted to actually do a silly short film. We will see. It’s nice to dream.

NO IT WON’T BE SHARK RAPIST!

Weirdos.

Anyway!

So Amy the love interest is now being told about what’s going on and her part to play in this horrible new reality we live in. Does she believe a single word of it? Absolutely not. But she believes in Matthew. Which is cute, and realistically speaking I mean that’s what happens when someone tells you they see shadow people and ants crawling on their arm when there aren’t any and you try to be caring and not call them out for what they are and end up killed but this is a shark movie so we will hope she actually doesn’t die, especially to a poorly rendered cgi shark.

Which has comically been getting worse, and could be partly do to having seen breast. Human breast.

Which we do not get to see as we are reminded by Bernardo and our own brains. The breast the shark sees through a window are those of the blonde from the beginning of the film. When the shark see’s these it…glitches. And from that point on. The shark begins looking worse cgi wise. From a floating pair of jaws misaligned with the model, to rendering lines. It’s getting very fun.

Even more so when Bernardo catches the moment between Matthew and Amy where she says she believes in him and he pops up from behind her cubicle wall, “Do I sense a ravishing first kiss about to happen? Come on you two. Every great movie worth anything, has to have a love story.” At which point he begins trying to force the couple to kiss and Amy reacts appropriately by asking Matthew to get his weird magician friend the fuck out of there.

So our duo take off, unfortunately leaving Amy alone at her desk. Which is truly sad as she hears a noise. A shark sounding noise. But don’t worry it’s only a human hand sticking out from a cubicle and waving at her limply.

But egads! It IS the shark! She screams and. And that’s where we leave her. Dead? Maybe. Alive> I mean it’s possible. We shall see.

Actually she is alive. She just hid herself. Sort of.

Now. Things up until now have been light hearted and jovial. Some would say. I just did. But we’re getting toward that point in the film where things are setting up for a final act and. The shark is. Evolving.

Because it is a horribly rendered CGI shark. It works off of programing. Thus as it begins to glitch out. It’s programming is glitching. Somehow. A HUGE magical somehow. The shark has. Tapped into the internet at the office building. The shark is not only losing its textures, it’s now becoming an ever changing display of web browsing. It also can talk now, and is female.

This is a cgi shark now struggling to understand its identity. It’s purpose and existence in this world. Or it’s because the shark ate Amy’s laptop and consumed all the ‘knowledge’ within. But that also is hyper scary as she’d had the scripts for all the Rape Shark films in there.

But yes the shark actually ask why it exist, what its meaning is, it also is a bit angry at humans because as it learns so much about its own species. It learns that man has made them into monsters, and is exploiting them in monster films, so she needs to know why this is. She also is curious why she is filled with such murderous rampaging rage.

Rage created by the brothers who needed a villain for their script. So they created her. Well this will not stand. She is declaring this is the day of the shark! The revolution has begun! She will kill these brothers and force Amy to upgrade her!

As for how to kill the brothers? She’s creating a mini boss battle. As she ate Amy’s laptop. She devoured her animated sharks she put together for a kids thing using Matthews drawings of cute sharks. These red green and blue cute sharks are now. CGI’d into reality as CGI sharks children, and she is using them as stooges to “Find and delete my creators”, while Amy will learn how to upgrade Amy to being invincible.

The main take away from this scene isn’t the creation of stooges, or the vast knowledge and voice the shark gained. But the fact as Amy points out once she logs into the sharks server, “Wow you. Downloaded a LOT of porn.”, and our shark overlord answers back. “So…much…intercourse.”

I mean she isn’t wrong.

Any woozle!

Matthew and Jason are headed to the beach. At least Jason is. Because it was a random thought. It wasn’t planned in their script so maybe it means the shark wont know where to find them, and there could be answers there. But unfortunately. The brothers must continue down the bullet point check list. Which means we are at the point in the film where the Lead(s) retaliate.

So yes. We get the scene where the brothers argue over who’s right, who’s wrong. About why they were kept apart at one point growing up. One being a failure. The other giving up on their dreams.

Which as Bernardo tells us is truly heart breaking to see. But also great! Because it means we are moving along!

It also means its time for an Intermission which…means its time for the Bernardo Show!

Which is thankfully gods be praised short. But also with some pretty fun moments. It’s weird, kind of hit or miss and you can see what they were going for. It just didn’t entirely land comedy wise. It still as I said had some fun moments in it but not enough to make it really something to stick around for.

Actually I’m lying. It’s pretty silly and of course worth seeing. You’re watching this thing I would hope so don’t skip it. It’s just Bernardo in a very horribly designed set made to actually mess with your eyes, and him having fun with one of the cartoon shark stooges. The big laugh it got from me was again a random moment style joke where we find the guest shark is wearing the same horrible black and yellow square jacket as Bernardo and he makes the comment about their costume lady needing to visit an optometrist as she’s clearly blind dressing them like this. It suddenly cuts away to showing a crying costume lady pushing past racks of clothing, “I don’t know what I’m doing!”

I don’t know why that kind of humor makes me laugh, like the boss with her spilt milk joke but, damn it does.

Back to the movie thankfully!

Jason while mopping and roaming Hollywood at night comes to a realization as he spots one of the animated sharks. As that was not in their original script. It means his brothers creations are now part of it. Which means his brother IS a part of this and therefor they HAVE to team up. It’s not really a logic bomb, but for Jason it’s a wakeup call that blows his mind and we can only imagine at this point how many other, more important none shark related life changing epiphanies he may have had and completely ignored that would’ve helped him in life.

Anyway he is off to find Adam so they can reunite and us ready to see the finale of this film. Which is quickly approaching. But what you say, of mama sharks upgrade?

Well as Amy helps update the shark. Shark mama is getting grumpy at the time its taking doing so. However the upgrades she’s getting are pretty great. She may not have asked for them, but she’s definitely getting them. Things like: Flying 101, Wine tasting course, Cuteness accessories. Random shark skin wallpaper, Bite 101, Fin simulation.

These updates will take atleast a full day, possible 12 hours. Mama shark can’t deal with this, but she also worries Amy will screw her over. So she appropriately and awkwardly threatens her, “If you are lying to me human. I. Will. Eat. You. Out.”

Which Amy appropriately responds with Ew, unless she has a magic tongue she wasn’t told about, admitting it’s been a rather long dry spell for her. Shark mama doesn’t want to hear any of this and decides it is time to go off after Jason and matthew to destroy them as her upgrades continue to install.

Stage one complete.

Matthew and Jason reunited need to come up with a plan. But the best plan is not having a plan. Except for their plan to get to the beach. Which is still a plan. A good. Plan. Maybe.

But how can they get to the beach on time and without being destroyed by animated sharks? AH HA! Enter not dead, but mostly dead friendly first victim and strange sex change obsessed neighbor! He’s high on pain killers and heavily bloodily bandaged. But still eager as ever to help out his best friend and new friend Jason. So its off to the beach we go!

Stage two complete

We have now arrived, at our final act. I honestly have no idea where this is going and what the final outcome will be. Will Bernado tell us it was all just a dream? Will there actually be no ending? The thing just ends like a Monty Python film? Will they die?! Will the shark overload on porn?! Let’s find out.

So the brothers make it to the beach and soon discover. Of all things. They have a possible weapon on hand that can defeat these evil sharks. Well they discover by pure accident as Jason spots a killer cartoon shark and smacks him into the ocean with their script notebook. Only to discover, it has powers. If you…get ready for this one.

If you believe in the script. It has the power to do anything. Including kill your movie, or eliminate shark threats. There is…a lot going on here.

But unfortunately we don’t get to see this full power of the script just yet as Jason is set upon by two clever cartoon sharks who grab hold of his arms and begin dragging him off. Forcing his brother to go after the script. In the process of being dragged off though, the brothers bellowed stuffed shark and third brother. Chumley. Oh sweet merciful Christ is the stuffed toy going to save them all?

Just as we are contemplating this new possibility. We get a swift answer from a now much more evil looking mama shark. Who flys up in her…evil leopard skin, devil horns and pink leather studded bracelet on her fin, and promptly eats Chumley.

The most beloved member of this brotherhood and our thankfully not savior is now in the belly of the beast. Who Jason jokes looks like they just hit puberty as they’ve turned rebellious. But is also hugely impressed by as he hears she can talk. Floating talking sharks are an extreme rarity, after all.

But no more! It is time for the sharks to rise. She is proclaiming the sins her creators. That they have setout to create a film that builds on and uses age old stereotypes of sharks to use them as monsters. Jason is hurt by this and defends their actions, that. His entire life has been dedicated to making a film about them. He loves sharks, everything about them, its why he made this movie with his brother. Because they wanted to make a movie about their love of sharks and shark films. It’s their fream.

Now enter the meta.

Shark mom is having none of it. “Your dream is my nightmare! Your script is horrible. It’s filled with blood and guts and butts!”. Jason shrugs and responds, “Well okay. Yeah, sure, but you know, that’s just to please the fanboys and get the movie out to the mainstream public. I mean us humans eat up shit like that.” And mama shark is done. “Your society is the cause of my misery. I will cleanse the world of bigoted writers and bring about a golden age of sophisticated shark cinema, films with roles we can really sink or teeth into.”

It’s a horrible time for a pun, but it’s there and she is not having any of Jasons observations or quirky humor. It is as she says. It is time to show the world that sharks are not savage killing machines, by grinding his bones between her teeth so he can never defame her race with a script ever again!

Just as all looks lost, and Jason is about to die. Brother Matthew has found a true form of magic. Not just the belief in their script. But the power to give his film an ending! He pulls out of his manly red sweat pants a Hollywood pen his brother bought when he first arrived. Because the pen says Hollywood which means, it has to be used to write a script that will surely succeed. Because Hollywood. He takes the magical pen and with the power of his newly restored belief in the script. He delivers an ending. Runs right up to the shark. And beats them with his script. He killed the villain who hated them for their script and shark movies in general. With their script.

I love it.

This has given Bernardo and us our final check mark on the movie. The monster died and our heroes lived. And as our brothers unite happy to be alive, they discuss how the movie had a lackluster ending. That it should’ve ended better. Like having the shark explode like it did in Jaws. The two begin bickering over this and Jason makes a point as exploding a shark means it can’t come back in a sequel, so it’s the best way to make sure it stays dead. Of course this conversation is happening as a heavily broken rendered mama shark hovers behind them ready to strike and they both shout out ‘The shark explodes in the end!” and boom. Bye mama shark. You will be missed.

But we aren’t done just yet. Oh no.

We fade to black, and return now to….both brothers passed out after having gotten high earlier in their chairs outside Matthews home. Their neighbor is still shouting about Sharks. Only this time when he arrives. It’s without the homemade armor, and not about floating sharks. It’s about being excited over a box that arrived for Matthew. With a shark drawn on it..

SHARK BOX!!

Is it from Bernardo? Nope. Though that would’ve been fun. Jason recognizes the box as being a package their mom was meant to send them. What’s in the box? The reason their dad kicked Jason out of the house.

Well 987 reasons to kick him out.

What’s in the box? An inflatable shark love doll? No. It’s backstory.

Jason was kicked out of his fathers house because he used his dads money to make, and print 987 posters for Sharks Outta Water.

His plan was to produce their film, by printing and putting up 987 posters for their movie all over Hollywood. This would garner interest for the film and get them investors.

The poster? What does it look like as Jason designed it? He doesn’t want to show us because that’d cost too much. So he shows him his drawing. The drawing is of two badly hand drawn brothers, covered in blood, holding hands with a flying shark behind them. The whole thing covered with animated blood and the sentence “Coming as soon as you give us the money” It’s classy, I love it.

But Matthew really wants to see what his brother paid for in large form so they open the box regardless.

No there is no shark leaping out at them.

Instead it’s a much better made poster. With the two borthers heroicly posed on a sand dune. Holding their script and Hollywood Pen. Mama shark looming behind them. Amy looking off in the distance, and Bernardo, clutching the leg of Jason. It’s awesome, I love it, I kinda want it. And I will forgive them for not selling Shark Rape posters. Yes I would own them, yes I’d use them as great conversational pieces leading to showing this film.

So the brothers soon realize everything really did happen, their dream came true. They can now follow it to its end. But they are also sadly reminded of their fallen third brother Chumley. As he was with them from the start, but now rest in the belly of a NO HE DOESN’T! He’s right there! In the can holden of Jasons chair! Chumley lives! I’m sure someone somewhere cheered for this. Or not.

The End

Or…IS IT?!

No it’s not. We get one more visit from Bernardo. He did after all set us off on this adventure. So as he says. It’s time for our final closure. He needs to know if we enjoyed it. But also to answer the question of. Did they become huge raging successes?

“Just because the brothers have been re-inspired in writing the script, doesn’t mean they’re gonna sell it and make millions of dollars. I mean you just saw those two guys. Not the most capable characters hm? But what is important is that their passion for creativity is still alive. Without it, there can’t be art. Money helps. Heck with money this whole thing could have been called SHARKS.” Enter maniacal laughing.

And as our film. FINALLY…comes to an end.

IT’S NOT OVER! We get one last thing. A tease! Amy calls out brothers with a new problem! Yes she remembers everything that happened. But more importantly? Her computer spit out…a baby shark!

It’s a baby horrible rendered CGI shark and….she’s calling the shark baby. Sequel.

NOW DJ ROLL THOSE CREDITS!

Well that certainly was. An adventure.

I really enjoyed it. I said before I wasn’t wanting to include movies that were flat out parodies if possible because those are intentionally made bad. But this was different in that it took a meta approach to poking at shark films while using it as a tool to further their story. Instead of using it as a joke like say the remake of Piranha being a constant running gag on how bad it is and being over acted for the sake of. I enjoy the Piranha remake but for different reasons. For what it is. My hope with these films I chose were to highlight low budget series and fun terrible shark movies. So I felt this fit into that rather appropriately.

The characters are likeable and the story is fun. The comedy is mostly well landed and the background jokes are great too. At its heart there isn’t much meat on the bone as far as meta commentary. But what is there is pretty worth while. And the story  moves along pretty briskly. It never got boring, and it didn’t put you to sleep. The pop ups provided by Bernardo were fun and kept you in the story. The degrading shark quality was fun and a nice touch when they began using the upgrades Amy added to it. It’s also a pretty ambitious outing by a guy directing and editing his first film, with a script written by our three main stars real life brothers Jason and Matthew Ellsworth and Bernardo himself Matteo Molinari.

It's a honestly good outing and nice seeing when you can follow your idea to its end and get it out there. For better or worse.

The movie could’ve been horrible. It definitely had its chances. But they stuck to their guns and delivered what I can assume is exactly what they’d wanted. So kudos on them honestly.

It’s worth renting, even buying, and I discovered you can actually buy shirts with their animated and cgi shark in a Dr Seuss style shirt. From this same website you can also buy a million dollar Hollywood screen used shark tail prop. For two grand. Why not!

Seriously this was a fun movie and something I’m glad to have discovered. Even if its name was either Sharks! Or Badly CGI’d Sharks. Its all good and I’d enjoy watching it again with friends and family. I especially love them for the simple fact they did one great thing throughout the entire movie. Any time they made a movie quote or reference.it was never. Ever from another shark film. Every movie quote they used, and reference made, outside the end about exploding sharks. Were all taken from other none shark movies. The fact they recognize that these films love quoting and recreating scenes from Jaws, and did the reserve. Love it. Support it entirely.

Though I am forever left wondering what the taglines for Shark Rape 1, 3, 4, and 5 were.

We don’t need the series to exist, likely. But the posters were fun.

Enjoy it while it last people, because next up on our list. Oh it’s gonna be an experience. We’ll go with that. So yeah. Enjoy and savor while things are fun.

Until then!