SHARK-A-THON!! Day 8 Shark Killer!

Day 8 Shark Killer

After the last shark film, I’m riding a good high. The vibes are real good and I am hoping this trend continues. Maybe the random order I placed these things actually paid off. Or I am protecting myself for another Noah’s Shark experience. We will see for sure. But I have a good feeling with this next offering on our underwater adventure. Because this time. We’re headed into the dumbest shit ever but hopefully done in the least annoying way possible.

Get ready for Value Village Chris Pratt in an adventure comedy diamond heist shark film.

Now I have seen a film with sharks and a heist before and it worked really, really well. It was about a couple who while diving happen to discover a cache on a sunken ship containing unopened class vials of morphine from World Ward 2. Local drug lord finds out and decides they want to claim this. It’s a pretty tense and surprisingly good film.

I already can tell you this will not be that. But it can at the very least prove itself entertaining. So long as it doesn’t venture off into parody land. So with that under our belts. Lets step into the film about a lady seducing, shark killer who gets pulled into a twisty turny diamond heist shark film.

Shark Killer

Tagline: Blood is thicker in Water

Synopsis: Shark killer Ace Hunter and his brother Jake are hired by a West Coast crime ring to kill a black-finned shark that swallowed a valuable diamond.

The music along at the start is trying to get you setup for the vibe of this film. Chill, fun, and corny. Expect sexy babes, some mild nudity, one liners and lots of action. Possible. I mean we’ll see

We open on Hawaii, with plenty of babes in bikinis, and we are already into Jaws ripping territory. Not the kind we praise, but the kind that just isn’t right. The kind where a mayor is re-opening a beach that was closed because of a killer shark problem. But he assures people they never had a problem or deaths, and things are perfectly fine. Because they got rid of the problem. But according to Chase Walker, no they haven’t. The wrong shark died!

So we get to watch discount Chris Pratt staring off intot he waters of his soul, as beach goers frolick into the water and. For no reason what so ever decide “Hey, this large raft in the middle of the ocean is a great place for 18 of us to all stand!”

Well naturally this means death awaits them all with nasty pointy teeth.

I mean I enjoy swimming as well but, if I saw a small wooden island floating in the middle of the ocean, I would know immediately, that is where you go to die. This is a trap. But we need these people in danger. And in danger they shall be!

I give this movie some credit because, the cgi shark isn’t that bad. This film had a budget it seems and they used it well. Or well enough to get you past the first few minutes before it could all turn to shit. Just as things look their grimmest and the shark is knocking around this floating island of food. A blonde bikini babe gets pushed into the water! Oh noes!

Oh noes indeed! The shark is headed straight for her, moving at break neck speed and she is paralyzed with fear and cannot move. And as the shark closes in. She screams her head off. Blood floods the water and…

The shark is dead. Up from the blood floats our dollar store Chris Pratt smirking and announcing his name to the blonde he just rescued. Between Bnearly dying, his blood splattered but heavily muscled chest, and his over flowing charm. The blonde decides he has earned the right to bang her.

No I am not joking, she giggles and the next thing you see is the two of them in bed together, her deeply satisfied and him trying to sleep off the soreness brought on from rigorous sex night. But he isn’t allowed to do so there is a rapping at his door. A gentle rapping that woke him and lady friend from their napping that persist at his chamber door.

Neither pants nor shirt, nor underwear does he apply as he rouses from his slumber to answer the gentle rapping at his chamber door. With balls out and ass clapping behind him he answers the door and finds a second beautiful lady. She is of course taken back at his nudity but thankfully never looks down. She says his name to make sure it’s the right man and his reply is akin to something my old roleplay character Stil’gar would say, “Oh look, I’m sure I’m not the father. I’m always very careful that way.”, She ignores this and thanks him for his service of not knocking up dozens of women or spreading any of the number of countless STD’s he has.

She tells him to be ready in 10 minutes and begins walking away. He assures her he’s ready right now. She is not amused by his attempt to stir the fruit at the bottom of her yogurt cup and walks away. He eventually figures out she is not coming back to help put his penis back to sleep and ponders to himself why this didn’t work. But just as he’s questioning whether he’s still attractive, an elderly woman walks by and does not hesitate looking down at his exposed junk immediately giving him a “I’m down to clown if you are, Second Hand Pratt” he smiles reassured in his attractiveness and examines an item given to him by the mysterious lady. Returning to sit on the bed and immediately comforted by a now awoken, likely hungry, and ready for more sex blonde. But he has business to attend to now, and tells her, word for word when asked where he is going, “To where sharks fly sweetheart. Now go back to sleep. You deserve it.” He kisses her and she swoons the hardest any girl could swoon as she flops back in bed and reminisces about the amazing world changing sex he gave her.

Again, I am not joking. It’s kinda great.

The guy is an absolute character and embracing it fully. The movie is embracing without fear what its setting up for us and its obviousness. Right down to the awkward car ride with mystery girl giving the famously cliched “I’m not one of your bimbo easy to bed airheads, I’m a classy lady and I don’t fall for your act”, all while we are fully aware she will indeed fall for him and his dumb charm. It isn’t in your face horrible. It’s actually acceptable because well. They’re having fun with it. It’s just not that often you find films still doing that, to this degree. But it works. He’s likable enough, once you get past his possibility of being a Chris Pratt stunt double. Maybe even Thor. Who knows.

So these two not a couple, are riding off in a fancy rich car, to a fancy rich house, where a fancy rich criminal from his past waits to greet him.

Now it should be noted. Because maybe there is some confusion here. Was not his name supposed to be Ace Hunter? Well. Yes it was. But this movie underwent a minor face lift to try and save itself from being too……………….on the nose corny. If you look up this film you will find two different box art covers, and posters.  It’s all the same film. Two versions of it list him as Ace Hunter, working for his brother Jake. But the latest version? As well as IMDB list him as a ‘Shark Exterminator hired to retrieve a diamond.” It’s a bit weird but it’s also a bit welcome because honestly Ace Hunter is a terrible name and reminds me of Homer when he wanted a more powerful name so he renamed himself Max Powers. But I assure you. Any version of this you find, will be the same film, and you can question why no one bothered to change the text on the back of the DVD or amazon site.

So Chase is brought in to hear about a job from his childhood possible friend, possible brother Jake. He’s being hired to kill a shark. Not the shark the films box art told us. But a great white. With a big black fin.

Apparently the shark ate something ‘valuable’ of his. So he wants Chase to hunt down this shark, kill it, gut it, and bring back his prize. Which we are told Chase will do, not just because he’s a shark killer. Which at least that much they got right. But he’l do it because Jake saved Chases life from a great white. Because of this, Chase will always come do jobs for him. Which is sort of hilarious to think of given his specialty is shark killing. So imagining Jake having a constant shark problem is rather hilarious and a series of films I’d buy into happily.

Of course this can’t all go well, we have to break up the seriousness with Chase being Chase. So he tells him he’ll do this job, but only if he can take the lady not interested in dating him along as his driver. Which she hates, and he loves. Because this is all going toward his goal of banging her. Much to her disgust.

They are not going to even try hiding his intentions or character. All while she’s driving him around town he’s eye fucking every hot girl the camera pans too. The man is a walking hard on plotting multiple encounters to further test his ability to remain childless.  And she can’t deal with it.

But one thing Chase can’t deal with? The ocean.

This is his one crux. Which they play up to 11. He can’t stay in a fancy hotel like they picked out for him. Because its on the ocean front. He hates the ocean. He can’t stand the site of it. The smell of it, being near it. Everything to do with it. He hates.

So he finds instead a crappy run down hotel with no view what so ever, and he makes sure it’s far enough away he can’t smell the ocean. Not that it’ll matter as he’s likely going to be smelling Hawaiian tropics suntan oil from whatever lady he bangs.

Which he does. He bangs a lady.

We learn this as angry lawyer lady he’s teamed up with comes to wake him up and begin their adventure together at sea. Only to discover he’s already awake, dressed and kissing farewell a brunette lady he banged all night. We KNOW it was all night because when his lady friend comments on being glad to know he slept well. Which he informs her he didn’t sleep at all. Why a woman wouldn’t want to throw herself at a man fucking a new woman every hour is truly beyond us all.

So while you may question, how a great shark killer works exactly. When they hate the ocean. His lady friend also questions this. Personally I feel he’s just lazy. Or its shrinkage. At any rate he is embracing being lazy. Which I can get behind. He doesn’t want to get in the water what so ever, so he lets her go looking for the shark on her own. Which she appreciates as much as you can imagine. You’d expect he’s doing this with a smrik and will reveal to her once she’s exhausted herself and screams at him why aren’t you helping look for the shark. That he will then explain to her “Because the shark isn’t there. It’s here.”

But no. He isn’t doing that. The film just really likes the idea the great shark killer hates everything to do with the ocean. So she actually does waste time searching for nothing, all while he relaxes and naps on the boat. Because he was up all night banging. Well eventually she has had enough of this and fakes falling into the water and screaming. Prompting him immediately to look around worried and dive into the water without a face mask looking everywhere for her.

If you’ve ever opened your eyes in the ocean? You learn very. Very quickly that salt water does not react kindly at all with your eyes. But he is a master of the elements. When he needs to be. But he finds out he has been played a fool and she triumphs over him. That is until she eyes a shark behind him. Which of course he won’t look at or take seriously because you know, fool me once etc etc.

Does he kill the shark? No.

He vanishes under water being dragged off and this time she is the one left shouting his name worrying if he is alive or dead while aiming a spear gun at the water. Yes he’s fine, the movie didn’t have the balls to kill him off and bring in Ace Hunter. Though what a turn that would’ve been right?

Instead he pops up asking for her help. Slides up onto the boat and shows us a shark bit his foot. Taking with it his boot, taring his jeans and bloodying his leg. But he can’t be bothered with it. He’s just upset the shark took his boot. And VERY fast to smirk at her and point out now she was the one worried for him which means, she’s falling for him. Does she shut him down? Glare at him in judgement and take off? No.

This movie is pulling out all the tropes. She turns her back to him so he can’t see her blush and smile girlishly as she denies such things.

So wait. Was the entire scene pointless? The past 8 minutes wasted? ABSOLUTELY! Not a damn thing happened. Nothing was advanced. It’s just a lazy ass day at sea, hearing a man bitch about not liking the ocean, and a woman struggling with awkward emotions and butterflies from a walking hardon with a grin as big as his ego.

It has been 27 minutes since we’ve seen a shark.

This film officially has 1 hour left to give us more shark goodness, but we are not likely to see it. Unfortunately. Which is really going to be upsetting given the poster art for this film has a man holding a harpoon gun, a woman with cleavage holding a spear. Explosions and sharks everywhere.

So do we get anything good? Well we do get more story AFTER this small snack break of a film moment. Chase is dropped off at his sleazy hotel, and waiting for him are a group of bad dudes. Who are telling him to get into a car as they plan to take him to see someone. He of course says no, because he’s hungry and has plans with a lady. Well they naturally do not approve of this and a fight breaks out. It’s actually not too bad of a fight scene I’ll admit. Again this movie is a bit odd. It isn’t very strong on narrative or story. But where they did invest their skill set? Pays off. After some fairly impressive fighting, our ocean fearing shark killer is victorious. So how does he celebrate?

By doing what the bad guys asked in the first place. He gets in the car, ties up one of the guys in the car and ask him where are they going. Because he feels better driving himself than he does being driven. He’s also just that cool.

So from the sleazy hotel to a dockside warehouse at night. Our hero, with an unwashed and untreated shark bite wound on his leg. Is off now to meat with a bad bad man named Nix.

Of course going unescorted to see a drug lord/crime lord/ nasty man is never a good idea. But he’s Chase Walker. Bad ideas are his thing. He takes the boots of the man he tied to the car and wonders around. Coming across a guard with a machine gun. He informs them who he is, and who he’s here to see. The man is offering no fight or aiming a gun at him. He just informs him that he needs to frisk him. Well that’s what we heard. What Chase heard was different. Because he answers the man with a sarcastic laugh and the line “and we were doing so well.” So he beats the shit out of this poor guy.

Honestly he could’ve just let the man frisk him, but I guess maybe he felt his masculinity would be drawn into question letting another man honk his meat slab. Who knows. All we know is he has taken out an otherwise peaceful guy doing his job.

Eventually. While aimlessly roaming around. Chase does find his way into this mans drug room. Where thick, and I mean THICC ladies in their underwear are cutting and bagging drugs. Why did I have to say thick that way? Because the camera wanted us to see this and like everything else. They aren’t hiding anything of what this is and they are.

So its here we meet our next crime doing bad guy. Nix. Played by none other than Arnold Vosloo. Who someof you might remember as playing Imotep in The Mummy films. He’s a ruthless drug lord and he wanted to meet with Chase because, he knows why he’s on the island, who he talked to. Which turns out Jake WAS his brother after all. At least they kept that from the original film plot.

So Nix has been shot, stabbed, hung, cheated and drowned. But he always survives, and he always takes out the people who do wrong to him. So he is asking Chase, to do for him. What he planned to do for Jake. Cut the diamond that belongs to him, out of the shark. And bring it back.

It’s a good, simple setup, but this isn’t that kind of movie. So Chase has to joke around with the man about how he could have simply called him instead of sending his goons. Made a nice evening out of things and approached him politely. Which still feels like if he had. Chase would’ve still beat the ever loving shit joyfully out of them. Seriously the guy is like a living breathing version of Archer.

Well remember what I complained about earlier? About the lack of shark in this film? Well the film must’ve heard us because our prayers are being answered.

That’s right. It’s SHARK TIME!!

So since we’re after this great white shark with a large black fin. We need to see more of it. So our site of carnage is a boat party. Lots of drunk young people having fun drinking and making out. There’s even a small yappy dog that roams out from a boat to bark at the water. Because dogs can sense sharks. Apparently. Yes the dog will die. Horribly mutilated, torn apart crying as it is.

No of course not. But it does die. We just don’t see it. The movie isn’t that risky. All movies know it’s a bad thing when you kill a dog on screen. So if you want the audience to forgive you, then you don’t show it. So we just hear a pained yelp and that’s it. We also get a young couple that went from snogging to being torn apart. It all happens off screen which tells me this film either was made for TV, or they chose to stay away from gore to keep a specific rating. Who knows. But it is something a bit common with these films we’re noticing. A lot of these seem to drift away from it. So could also be budget. Does it detract from the film? Not at all.

The movie is silly fun. It has an interesting enough premise that isn’t being taken too seriously, and again. Once we get over who this guy isn’t but is trying to be. It’s really not so bad. It’s actually handled pretty well.

However we need to make this fun, so the movie decides to do so by having Chase freak out over the shark killings by informing Jasmine his lady partner in all this. That “The shark is stalking us. She was leaving a message by killing those people. She’s following us. Hunting us.” Sure why not.

It worked in JAWS!!

So off into the deep blue these two head off, and this time Chase is taking things deadly serious. He’s bought more supplies, diving gear, high end sonar. He is not taking any chances. And is also doubling down on the whole “That shark is intelligent, watching us and stalking us. It’s not hiding out there. It’s hiding close by us.” Naturally and rightly so Jasmine calls bullshit on this. Does he take it well? Absolutely not. He’s offended by her joking in such a serious situation. “Did you know, sharks are the only creatures that pop their heads out of the water just to have a look at whats going on around them? They plan, they plot. They solve problems. They hunt and trap.” Basically they’re raptors and the top of the food chain.

It makes sense to him, just like Archer makes sense of every horrible thing he does being awesome. Unless it involves alligators and black holes. Then he is very deadly serious and damn you for thinking you should joke about those things. 

Well as they are shark hunting. Jasmine takes notice of a large hunting party headed for seal island. She suggest heading out that way. Of course Chase says fuck that. The shark is there. He’s sure of it. Until the fish finder shows there are no sharks. Even a special device he makes to repel sharks doesn’t…do anything. So does he admit the shark isn’t there? No! He says the shark is hiding from them. Naturally.

But he’s willing to head out a little bit if it helps.

Which prompts a discovery. Lots, and lots of bodies. I mean LOTS of bodies. Over a dozen or so floating about in the water. Half eaten, mostly eaten, and some are limbs with no bodies. “We dive here.” Good call Chase. This is obvious shark sign.

So into the depths we finally go with our fearless shark hunter. The man is done bitching about the ocean and he’s balls deep in it now.

We discover what appears to be a shipwreck. A gangster shiprwreck in fact. As there are hands handcuffed to boards with no body, some floating bad guy guns and. Well it’s likely the shipwreck the diamond came from when it was stolen and eaten by the shark along with the other survivors.

To confirm this Chase ask the large ominous black shadow of the great white nearby him. The shark confirms this and ATTACKS!

Jasmine is not impressed by his lone shark hunting attempt and feels left out. So she too dives into the water with a winning can do attitude, which shrivels away when she too is attacked and chased by the shark, narrowly escaping its literal jaws. The two have to navigate their way through the wreckage and find themselves a safe exit away from swimming death. Which works out comically well.

As they take a moment to catch their breath and share an oxygen tank as Jasmines was taken off by the shark. She points behind Chase and AAAH! CGI shark ramming through a port hole at them! It’s seriously funny, like watching a kid repeatedly ram a shark toy through a hole and at varying speeds.

Again the shark effects are not the worst. By far. But they are not the greatest either. It’s still a hell of a lot better than Ghost shark and FAR superior than Virus Shark. But Virus Shark does make an argument for practical effects over digital.

No. Plastic shark is not better.

So our duo escape just barely and return to the safety of their boat. The shark may be highly intelligent and stalking them. But it isn’t raising up out of the water to look at them and shake a curled fin shouting “I’ll get you Chase Walker!”. What we get instead is a slow slide back to our return to form. As Chase decides it’s been a moment since taunting Jasmine about falling for him as she followed him into the water and is pretty sure its because she worried about him. This woman in her 30’s has still not mastered the art of concealing her feelings and giggles girlishly again, biting her lip and turning away from him to answer and take off for the helm, “Yep, you are totally falling for me.” It’s starting to get painful. But its still ‘okay’. It could be worse. A lot worse.

But movies have a tendency to remember their run times. So we are going to need to speed up the possibility of these two coupling. Or something major happening. We’ve only got 26 minutes left here roughly so, like my ex used to say, either do it already or go to sleep! It’s 4am!

Well these two would be lovers park their boat at the dock and of all faces there to greet them. We have Jake returning! But he is not all smiles. No. He is mad as hell and he is not gonna take it anymore. But he’s mad at, Jasmine. Jasmine whom they established is not sleeping with Jake. Well apparently Jake felt otherwise and that there was a possibility of something more between them because he rushes right up to her and demands to know where she was last night. “You vanish for two whole days without any contact! You both aren’t in the hotel room I got for you. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK!”, It’s a really awkward situation. Made even more so when she reminds him she works for him but they aren’t together. As he proceeds to grab her wrist and drag her back with him across the dock. Stopped only by Chase who sees a chance to win some good boy points by shouting at his bro bro about respecting women and how he’ll end up dead if he ever touches her again. Of course that won’t toss any fuel on an already raging jealous flame when you word yourself that way while someone else is trying to assure him that there is nothing sexual going on.

Well thankfully Jasmine remembers she has power here and a voice. She steps between both of them and tells them both to STFU! Stop fighting like this especially over her. Well Jake is hard of hearing so Jasmine has to slap a bitch to get him to listen. It still isn’t enough so she pushes him into the water.

No. No Jake isn’t devoured by the shark. He just gasp and spits out sea water while comical music plays and our duo chuckle it up and head back on the boat to get away from the dock and Jake.

The movie is pushing things along because as I said, things need to happen, or they need to move on. So the two escape to a private little island spot. With a little bonfire, some alcohol and a log they can get close to. What? Friends can share a log at a romantic camp fire and not do anything. So yes these two finally are about to bang. She’s decided to smooch him and just as they were about too. Nix’s goons arrive and shoot Chase with a tranquilizer dart. Because what better way to make sure the man you want to kill a shark can kill a shark than to tranquilize him and prevent him from doing so.

But that’s not all. They of course, being bad dudes. Are taking Jasmine hostage. Because they need a little insurance to make sure Chase will do what they need done. So she’s dragged off, and Jake is left to fend for himself.

Which apparently he has grown something of a mild immunity to tranquilizers, as he was able to drive off to his brothers house to notify him of recent developments. Only to discover that his brothers compound is full of dead bodies. However. No dead bro in the house. Instead he’s snuck into the back of his brothers car.

Well, since we aren’t getting any sex, were gonna have to beat things.

Which they do.

The brothers pull over and a mild attempt is made at them trying to explain their situation. But it quickly turns into a brotherly brawl. Which of course Chase is winning. Because he’s Chase Walker, Shark Killer. It’s an attempt at being fun while also digging into their backstory. We learn Jake resents his brother because their mother loved him more. He blames Jake for their fathers death because he took Chase fishing and died during that trip. Chase tells him maybe if he wasn’t in trouble all the time their parents would’ve shown their love a bit more. But Jake decides that no. He maybe did all his bad stuff as an attempt to get attention and that’s why he turned out the way he did. All of this while Chase comically over powers, tosses around and beats his brother. It’s really not that comical but bless their hearts for trying.

All of this to distract us from the change in plot.

Since they took Jasmine. They need to rescue her. Because Chase has a hardon of love, and Jake has a mild erection for a diamond. So the two have to work together for a mutual outcome. Save the girl. Get the diamond. How can they accomplish this in 15 minutes? We will see.

Oh yes. We will see.

So the two sneak over to the warehouse by boat and the comedy begins.

They arrive stealthy. Begin fighting each other alerting a guard. Chase chokes them out stopping his brother from shooting the man and explains “This is how you sneak! You knock out the guard, you don’t shoot people!”, Well two more guards show up and Jake shoots them rather proudly because he’s taken care of the problem. Which then becomes the punchline as a dozen guards show up now alerted by the gunfire.

What ensues from here on out is a back and forth of brotherly fighting and bickering while taking out guards. Jake wants all the guns to kill all the guys. Chase wants to fight everyone with kicks and punches. It’s not horrible. But it’s also not buddy cop fun.

It works. That’s about what sums up the film. It all just. Works.

So our brotherly duo fight and quip their way closer and closer to the end boss, but they have a mini boss to deal with. Who unfortunately has them pinned down. So. What do?

Well they don’t challenge him to a dance off. Or a fist fight of honor. No. Instead Chase has a plan.

He shouts out that he has Nix’s diamond. Which caused a confused dog look as you wonder, when the hell did that happen? Oh wait he’s lying. Right?

Yes he is. He tells the guy he has the diamond and please don’t shoot. Naturally and for good reason the man ask him to show the diamond. So Chase stands up. Walks a little closer. Like playing Hitman and trying to get within range while holding a screwdriver. He waits until he’s within range and….shows him a gold shark tooth with gems incrusted into it. “Hey, that’s not a diamond!” are the mans last words as I shit you not. Chase ninja star chucks the tooth at him and it buries itself into his throat. Killing the man.

Bra-fucking-vo.

I can say this at least. I have never seen a man killed in a movie. With a thrown sharks tooth so. That’s something.

Well thankfully they make it to our boss fight, just in time too given we are down to the final minutes of the movie.

Our brothers approach and Nix is happily waiting for them. Holding a filet knife to Jasmine. Hoping they have his diamond. But as he ask them for it. Jake shoots Nix several times. With actually impressive grouping. Seriously the bullet pattern was pretty consistent with actual shooting. Again the effects team I feel got the better end of the budget deal.

But Nix isn’t down. Oh no. He’s wearing a lead lined apron. Apparently lead lined aprons are popular in crime rings, which makes sense. You want to protect yourself from bullets while torturing people when the DEA comes in and bust up your organization. So a ticked off Nix is now firing back and takes down Jake! Oh how the tables of fate have turned!

Now back in control Nix is demanding Chase finaly go after the damn shark and get him his diamond! Which seems a bit late. I mean seriously we are down to 7 minutes left here, so unless they pull of a Goonies ending where they declare they found the jewels and insert a stock shot of a hand holding a diamond. They’re boned.

Well Chase is done with this shit and his muscle man brain works out a complicated archer like plan. This place is a drug factory. Drugs are chemicals. Chemicals react to other chemicals. There is a light nearby shining down on the glorious powder hill of drugs. If I shoot the light it should spark. The spark will ignore the drugs, which will set off a chain event and-and he shoots the lamp. Shit explodes. Jasmine takes off. Jake as well because he apparently also had a lead lined shirt on because of course, former bad guy. So the trio escape leaving Nix to burn.

But that’s not the end!!

The three are now quipping with each other, on a boat in the ocean. Chase is a man of his word. We save the girl. Then we get the diamond. Which is exactly what he’s doing for his bro bro. And all is going according to plan we just need the shark to show up, calla truce and deliver the diamond.

Or as I mentioned just insert a shot of “Hey look we got the diamond, but that was a tough fish but we won!” roll credits and we’re out and peeing.

But no. This movie has one more encounter left in it. Their little boat is being fired on by a still smoking extra crispy well done burnt up Nix. Proving again that the effects people had the funds in hand.

This actually is pretty funny because the man is literally in a boat not far from theres. Shooting off magazine after magazine of ammo. He actually stops three times to reload and keep firing blindly at their boat. Some of those bullets even end up shooting AT THE SHARK! IN THE WATER! Yes the shark is here! Will the shark eat Nix?! Will they have to dive into the water and fight it out?!

Nope! Chase picks up an old fashioned harpoon canon. Takes aim at Nix and fires. Harpooning the man. Yes Nix dies. And his boat takes off as his body collapses on the controls. Taking the harpoon from Chase and out into the ocean.

Which of course upsets Jake because bow they have no weapon on board with which to kill the shark! Sure Nix is gone and they’re all alive but the diamond! He needs it. It’s precious to him.

Well Chase is trying to figure out the next clever thing he can say, but Jake has a better idea. He stabs Jasmine in the leg and tosses her over board. How this will serve them getting the diamond let alone killing the shark? I have no idea. But he did it and he’s proud of it.

So Chase dives in after her with. A wooden spear and faces off with the shark. The great white is staring down at his natural enemy and the greatest Shark Killer the ocean has ever known. It’s like the fast and furious where both men are revving up their super charged cars about to ram into one another. But with a shark. And a spear.

So the shark gets speared. Because well. Chase Walker. But he aint dead! No. The shark is just really really pissed off now.

So he begins stabbing the shark as he holds onto its fin for dear life. Stabbing as it charges toward Jasmine all while screaming out between stabs “YOU. CANT. HAVE. HER. YOU. BITCH!”, Well of course this will earn him good boy points with her. If they survive!

Which they do.

They survive. I mean. Duh of course.

Which is rather confusing still.

They are safe. He saved her. The shark finally dies and begins sinking to its watery grave. He swims to the boat with Jasmine and the two finally kiss. A prelude to her demanding him to get tested before even considering going further than a kiss. And. Jake? Do they kill him or attack him for what he did stabbing Jasmine and tossing her overboard for shark bait?

No! They forgive him without question. Jake just jokes about them stopping the kissing and wheres the diamond? So he comically suits up and goes after the sinking shark while his brother, mildly annoyed mind you. Tells him “no, stop, wait, don’t, come back.” But he’s off after his greedy diamond. Do they leave him and end it? NO! They still have film in the camera!

So Chase chases after his brother. Who is now being chased by 3 sharks! Which Jake turns around see’s and screams seeing and then….we fade to black.

Chase and Jasmine are driving along the coast. Looking over the large diamond many people have been murdered over, quipping about how Chase isn’t so fearful of the water anymore, and he has the best babe in the world now. They talk about finding a place together, smooch time and OH LOOK! In the back seat of the car rises up Jake. Still alive. Telling them to give it a rest. Jasmine? She is still wrestling with a condition that gives her the shared mental duality of a teenager and a 30 year old as she huffs and tells Jake how she’s still not talking to him after what he did back there.

Which amuses Chase because, what can be more fun than your sibling stabbing your love interest and tossing them into shark infested water. So Jake being money hungry as he is suggest maybe they go to Australia. Because they have diamonds there. Chase perks up at this and adds, “They also have sharks there.” Jasmine smells an adventure and another opportunity to get stabbed by Jake so she’s all in. So that’s where our movie ends. These three fuck nuts laughing in a car, as cool island music plays and they’re already planning their next excellent adventure. The fucking end.

So that was a thing, yeah?

Where to start, okay. Well. The movie for the most part was enjoyable. It was ‘mostly’ about a shark but by and large felt like a 90’s heist film make in 2015. Which isn’t bad. But it’s not the greatest either. The film has some charm, I’ll give it that. But does it save itself? I mean… Sort of? But not really. It’s hard to love the thing but I can’t really hate it either because it was over all entertaining. Even on some base level. The characters were likable, at first. The plot moved along. But then it fumbled in the third act. That’s when things seemed to just turn a bit ‘eh’. Which isn’t really a good thing.

But it’s also not the worst either.

The film had a decent enough budget. The fight scenes were really well done and the effects were pretty top notch. CGI not so much at times, but it didn’t detract from it really. It was sparingly used and I can understand why. I just wish the film had stuck the landing better. Everything had a nice pace to it. We were moving along pretty well from one point to the next and I was getting invested in it. But then the end came about and it felt like either they possibly were too ambitious? Maybe the money ran out, or the concept worked better in their head.

Or it was just how it was supposed to be all along. It does take you for a loop when you expect a shark film and end up getting a heist film with a shark. But it doesn’t stop your enjoyment of it I feel. It didn’t ruin anything or make me switch gears from “Oh, not sharkxploitation? Alright let’s see how this goes”, Just something felt off and it’s a bit sad because otherwise it was a really positive experience, and a hell of a lot better than most low budget crap.

The cast was pretty solid and a good mix. But again that ending. Oof. It’s also just very odd. I don’t know if it was done for comedy and it just didn’t land? Or maybe again if things were different than they originally planned it. But again. How do you go from three of them working together. To the brother stabbing, like literally just stabbing at full force a blade into Jasmines leg and tossing her overboard. Without repercussions? It just didn’t fit the movie. Like okay your siblings, you fight. Me and my sister used to fight off and on. But if I ever stabbed her, she’d straight up murder my ass or at the very least stab me a dozen times.

We wouldn’t be laughing it off and giving each other the silent treatment until we felt like we were okay to forgive each other.

I almost think they had something else in mind. Maybe the brother was supposed to die when he turned heel. But they decided to keep him alive because their dynamic? It’s possible given the film already changed its story as we saw from the box art. Going from something more on the serious sounding side to more comical. But can’t say for sure honestly.

I feel it would’ve played out better had the brother died or gone to prison. Maybe after the stabbing and the brother taking down the shark. The two end up fighting it out on the boat. Jake ends up knocked out and the next thing we see is him being dropped off to authorities comically pleading for them to forgive and forget, or telling them he’ll get them when he gets out, While Chase and Jasmine head off into the sunset for their next adventure with the diamond.

Or him and Jake fight it out and suddenly sharks appear and Jake is genuinely fearful he could die, and his brother can’t save him in time.

Either could’ve made a bit more sense but the ending we got is still in line with the comic underlined tone the film had going for it at odd times. So again, this was likely what they’d always intended. It just didn’t work.

Everything else was going well for it though. No real complaints what so ever honestly. It still beats out crap like The Shark Huntress and I mean anything is better than Noah’s Shark or Sharks of the Corn. Well most anything.

It’s a nearly solid film that will entertain most, and you won’t feel you wasted your night in the end. You just might go from amused to ‘ah well’ by the end. So enjoy it at your own leisure and please. If you are having sex with different people every 3-4 hours please get yourself tested. Even if you are a great shark killer, you can’t escape an STD.

YES I’M ENDING THIS ON A SAFE SEX PSM!

I mean holy hell the man was banging bitches every other time you looked around and now Jasmine is letting his dirty ass balls slap her skin. It aint right. It aint right.

Enjoy the movie and your night! Lol