SHARK-A-THON!!!! Day 7 GHOST SHARK!!

Day 7 Ghost Shark

Do you ever stop and question what choice, what moment in your life brought you to this point?

If you have, stop. Seriously. Just stop, it ain’t worth the grief and you’ll miss out on the fun. Like for years. I mean years. My cousin and sister never let me live down the moment I recommended they watch Deep Blue Sea. I still get shit for it today. But at least we can all laugh at it now. Opposed to back then.

Hell I still own a copy of it I bought from Walmart for a whole not even on sale $4. Live with your choices and accept them. Make them memories you can laugh at later.

But if you chose to watch Ghost shark then I seriously worry for you.

This is a film. That would be the easiest review. But we will begin our play by play and I am bringing in the helpful aid of alcohol for this one because sometimes. It just helps. So what happens when you are a red neck and decide you want to bully a shark to death? It becomes a vengeance craving apex predator of course.

Now we are already familiar with cursed sharks in this series as we have Avalanche sharks and the choochoomagoo whatever demon mountain god, who employed 4 shark spirits to act out their will on bikini clad skiers. But this here is the genuine article bonafide ghost shark.

Which cautions me to wonder why we haven’t gotten a RING shark, or hell better yet Grudge Shark. I don’t even feel bad admitting I’d love spending money to watch Grudge Shark. Well let us worry no more as we gather to cozy up and watch a ‘film’ about rednecks creating the ultimate predator, as they do.

Ghost Shark

Tagline Don’t. Get. Wet.

Synopsis: When rednecks on a fishing trip kill a great white shark, its spirit comes back for revenge, and soon turns its sights on the town of Smallport.

When you take part in a fishing tournament, setting out to catch the biggest Amberjack in your town, 20 minutes to midnight, to win $30,000. Which you’ll use to buy a bought of your own so you don’t need to charter a boat captained by a big mouthed fancy pants sissy of a man who when he talks back at you, you tell him “If I want any lip from you I’ll pull down your panties”, you are setting sail with danger my friend.

Which is where we begin this little diddy of an adventure and yes. A bearded redneck actually did say the line, “If I want any lip from you, I’ll pull down yer panties”. Much to the glee of his lady friend.

So here we are at the tail end of an all day fishing tournament and this man has caught himself the mother of all fish, It’ll be enough to catch him a win, a record, and the $30,000 to buy him a boat of his own. Alas though, not all dreams glitter like gold. Some shatter like a mirror laid on the ground to help you shave those hard to reach spots, just before you slip and fall. A shark ended up chomping the mans record setting catch and robbing him of his dreams.

Well this would normally mean lets go back to land and try again next year. But this is a redneck. So after growling out “That fish ATE my fish!” he decides its time for some payback. So he goes to his bag, whips out his colt King Cobra and begins unloading round after round of .357  ammo. Until he runs out of ammo and switches to a crossbow. Unloading on the sharks head. Then comes the single greatest moment in cinema history. “Baby,get me my hot sauce!”.

This man.

This full grown, bearded, gun toting, crossbow having redneck man.

Is dousing a shark. In hot sauce.

Once we let that sink in and recognize that this did indeed just happen. We are ready for the fourth and final act of torture. A grenade. Which then yes. Explodes our once peaceful shark. Thus setting up the events of this film.

To reaffirm here. Torturing a shark means shooting it, shooting an arrow into it. Dousing it in hot sauce screaming “I HOPE IT BURNS!”, and then blowing it up.

Well of course this can only go well.

Now, I had to reiterate the point that, they used a grenade to blow up the shark for a very specific reason. Normally. One can safely assume. When you use a grenade like they have. Landing it in the open mouth of a shark. Set on its jaw. This would blow up the upper torso and head of the shark. Possibly splitting it further down. Also the shockwave would destroy the rest of the body.

But this is a great white. The apex predator of the sea. So it only fatally wounds the shark. Wounds it enough that it slowly, and sadly swims off to an island cave. An island cave with ancient mystical writing on the walls and torches. It slowly sadly swims off into this cave and then, swims no more. Sinking to its death. Only to wake up these runes on the wall causing them to glow and just like that. Our shark is a hungry for vengeance shark! God I love cinema!

So our cautious captain decides its time to get out of these waters. He’s already ticked off at the fact the redneck and his daughter had to toss him around knocking him out, tortured and exploded a great white, and now he’s having to witness mysticism on a cave near the boat. It’s too much for him and he’s done with their collective shit and hot sauce. But not satisfied with what they did to the shark. The rednecks daughter has to vlog what happened because ‘Killing the hell out of that shark’, was just too damn fun for them. She documents how natures greatest predator was just taken down by her and her daddy as he ‘Whooped its ass!”, and just as those words leave her. John Cena’s music begins to play and from out the side of the boat comes leaping Grudge Shark! That’s what I’m calling him from here on out.

So Grudge Shark takes down redneck daughter with a bulldog and she is down and out. Also headless. Well that shark remembered the hot sauce in its eyes and wounds. So it’s time to take out big papa. The shark nabs him with ease and slams his body into a buoy. Down goes the would e fishing king. But what of the noble boat captain who had nothing to do with any of these shinanigans? Yeah he died too.

Remember, you all decided to watch this, and rent it. But I damn sure hope you bought it.

So there we go. Our setup is complete. Grudge Shark is real. He’s a ghosty goo for real shark, that can interact with living physical things. So let the games begin. And begin they do! As we find out movies group of chum bait.

Which is just about as cheerful a group as you could hope for. We have the bitchy blonde who’s going to die just for being blonde. We have the innocent girl trying to just have fun on the beach. The horny teen with a criminal record. The caring guy friend. The party guy, and the fat comic relief, Is it spring break? Is it Summer sun and fun? We can’t say because no one else is saying. But everyone is out and enjoying the beach life.

Until they aren’t!

Well no, they’re enjoying beach life. At least for now. However we do get some character ties pretty darn early on. We find good girl and horny girl are sisters. Chilling with friends on the beach and that their dad, is the unfortunate captain devoured by ghost shark. For being a low budget silly film. It’s actually and I do say this in surprise. Competently made.

They set up their scenes rather well and it’s pretty refreshing given the shit sandwich we’ve been eating at the past few days with these films. We get a nice establishing shot on the beach, everyone gets a quick quip and intro to their character, and once situated on the beach we get a shot of the boat from the opening as it’s stationed out near the dock. The two sisters attempt contacting their father as the eldest is concerned, no one saw him that morning, and he didn’t have any charters planned so why would his boat be out. After contacting him and discovering he isn’t answering she gets more concerned but decides maybe she’ll wait till their friend with a jet ski comes back in, then they’ll head over to check on him. But bratty little sis ain’t havin it. She informed us how dull his sister is, and how full of life she is. So she forces her sister to get off her ass and follow her into the water toward their dads boat.

It’s still very early in the movie. But I’m about to praise this film , though I caution it as the film can still end up blowing its load too early and fizzling out later if it isn’t careful. But we are 13 minutes into this film and about to get into some action.

Our sister duo board the ship and soon find the boat empty, their dads fishing hat bloodied, and a video camera from the redneck daughter. Meanwhile Blonde friend is lounging on a raft, enjoying the sunshine and quiet. Before getting booty bumped under water by Grudge Shark. She tells them to frig off assuming its her friends. But finds it slightly unusual that her friends would be able to slam up under her raft, propelling her several feet into the air and popping her raft. It’s shark time!

She sees the ghost fin in the water. She realizes this is a bad moment. She’s a blonde. This is a horror film. Blondes have a 90% mortality rate in these things. She takes off screaming for help, alerting everyone of a shark. Thankfully she has a horny party friend on a jet ski. Jet ski friend is enjoying himself with fat friend on the back of the jet ski until they hear these cries for help. Jet ski friend tells us he assumes she lost her bikini top and needs to be saved. So he throttles back, tossing fat friend off into the water while shouting “It is what it is!”, dude literally chucked his friend in the off chance he could get laid.

Just as it looks like Grudge Shark is going to devour our bitchy blonde, in comes Jet ski bro. He helps her on and she begins panic mode again! She’s telling him to GTFO, there’s a shark! He laughs it off telling her he doesn’t believe in this hoopla.

SO SHE SHOVES HIM OFF AND THROTTLES OFF! It is what it is dude!

Again. 13 minutes in and we’ve got a high speed pursuit and lots of sudden action in this thing. This is a definite welcome change of pace. What’s best about it though is Jet Ski bro SEE’S the shark now! He realizes she wasn’t full of shit! So he’s swimming for his life now. Passing by his fat friend who decides now is a good time to complain NOT about being tossed off the jet ski. But that SHE gets to ride a jet ski that his friend proclaimed only HE would ride it. Well fear not fatman, or do fear because here comes Grudge Shark! No everyone is freaking out and fleeing for their lives!

Naturally we can only assume fat man is dead. I mean he’s huge, he’s slow. The shark is hungry…it’s right there written on the water folks.

But this movie has a mind of its own! That shark could have had jet ski bro. It could’ve had easy pickings slow moving fat friend. But no. He’s dead set on that blonde! The shark does not give two shits about anyone else, it is a blonde seeking meat missle of death. But our blonde bombshell is zooming to the beach shores. She’s gonna make it!

No of course she doesn’t make it! She can’t make it. She’s blonde! Death! Death is all that waits for her!

Yes its hysterical and a great pay off. This shark knew who had to go and it did not deviate from that. So now with everyone having seen the blonde go from racing with destiny. To being chomped in half by it. They all collectively freak out.

But the shark isn’t done yet. It’s returning for fat man! This can only go badly. Poor fatman is swimming for all he can. But that shark is. Well a translucent death machine. However thank god for friends. As the sister duo show up driving their dads boat, spotting the shark and rescue their chubby friend. He lives to fight another day!

Naturally the town is in a bit of a tizzy after this, and find themselves slightly hysterical. However leave it to the police to try and spoil that. Even with people torn in half, and a beach full of witnesses, Sheriff Buttbaby still stands and says “Alright nothing to see here. We don’t know what we’re dealing with and you didn’t see what you saw.”, which of course they did see what they saw, but no one is going to buy believing in what they saw because you can see right through it.

The only point for this scene, isn’t to establish the role all police in these films find themselves playing. It’s to establish two power players in this theater of awesomeness. First its Sheriff Buttbaby. This man has brows for days. Theyre like wild unkept fields of wheat that just kept going and no one tried stopping. They just stare at and wonder what could drive a man to let that happen and decide ‘this is who I am.”, It’s hard not to look at and even harder not to laugh. But this man. You can’t pull away from his face. He’s also done a good deal of acting as a character actor. One of those people you just end up seeing a lot in random things because they just stand out in that certain way. Which is why he’s one of our power players. But every yin has its yang, and this yang is none other than a legend from many a childhood. Richard Moll! This man was everywhere in the 80’s and again, just one of those faces which made him one of the funner character actors. Even with a white beard and drunk beach bum outfit. He’s a class act. His character in this is the haunted drunk. A man who lost his wife, and knows the towns dirty secret. It’s dirty stinky horrible mountain of lies it was built on secret.

It's all beginning to add up. We got the mystery of the town. The denial of shark ghost, dead and presumed missing people, and no one believing our heroes.

So now they need to convince everyone of what’s real.

Which means investigation time! Since Sheriff buttbaby is no help and still deems what they all saw to be an act of grief and anger. It’s time to track down and question drunk beach bum. Well actually he’s the lighthouse keeper, but we’ll call it as we see it.

Meanwhile the men are left to their own troubles. Good guy, party bro and fat man are all going to a party. Which for once looks honestly real, is shot in a believable backyard and in a house that doesn’t look like a rich persons home, or the home of the director. It’s worth noting because most films like this utilize their own assets to save on cost. This film has not done so or at least made it apparent. This thing is racking up the points still. Naturally party bro isn’t going to let people know he was pissing himself in the ocean thinking he was going to die. Nor is fat man going to admit he was prepared to become dinner as well. They’re both in full blown party mode, doing their best to forget what happened, and come up with explenations for the shark they saw. Is it working? Well to a point. Good guy is still hit hard by this. He won’t even go in the pool because the light and water reflection made him remember the terrible translucent menace of the beach.

And this brings us to an awkward sandwich of scenes.

Awkward in the sense of, these kids don’t know how to act out naturally what they’re being told to act out. And its one after the other, followed by another. In quick succession. So Good guy is headed off away from the pool. But is bulldozed super weirdly by fat guy who shouts “Belly bomb!!” He doesn’t do a belly bomb though. He just grabs good guy and walk runs him to the pool and leaps in while holding onto him. Good guy is not amused at all. He’s pissed. His phone is ruined and he was not in the mood for tomfoolery. Fat guy tells him its time to party, not be a party pooper. So he commands that a blonde party goer climb onto his shoulders. As she does he reaches up really really uncomfortably and tries to tug her bikini top off “Feast your eyes!” Which the girl quickly stops. You can tell on his face this was really awkward, but then we top it off with something both painful and like watching wrestling when someone takes a bad fall. You know this didn’t land right. Just as the blonde on fat mans shoulders covers herself up, and good guy takes off out of the pool. We hear party guy shout out and leap sideways into the pool. Directly into the back of fat man. Slapping hard into him. The girl on his shoulders falls to the water, and fat man has a look of both wtf and ‘that hurt’. The scene is cut and we then see everyone at the party soon leaping into the pool to party. But then we cut back to fat man. Who’s choking on water and genuinely looks like he either had the wind knocked out of him. You can tell it was taken in the same cut after the slam into his back, so it’s just an odd choice. But also like I said. Really awkward set of scenes.

But no more of that!! It’s time for some sharking!

We got all these people in a pool, and no bloodshed in the past….too damn long! Is this film going to actually give us pool shark?

YES! YES! Do you believe in miracles?!

So first we get two dude bros fighting at the party. Because there just has to be dude bros brawling right? Well party bro tells them he’s tired of their fighting! So in retaliation to this. One dude bro decides he’s going to show party bro by….doing a flip into the pool? He’s a very confused dude bro, and I am not sure what this is proving. But it’s proving something for someone. But as he makes his flip of defiance into the pool. The most splendid display takes place.

It's like a well orchestrated act. You have dude bro beautifully flipping himself into a ball, making a single pass flip, then he is picked up by Grudge shark who valiantly propels themselves out of the pool into the star light sky above the party. Everyone watches truly dazzled by this ballet of delicate carnage. And then lose their shit when only his head comes back down and impales itself perfectly onto a bottle of champagne. 10/10 would watch again.

Seriously this is amazing fun. People are taken back by the fact they just witnessed a blue glowing ghost shark take a guy up into the sky, and then brought back to reality when his head crash lands onto a champagne bottle. It’s beautiful. I love it. Bless this movie.

But we aren’t done yet, oh no. It doesn’t turn into a Freddy’s Revenge pool party. Sadly. But it is the shark reminded Fat guy that he didn’t forget about him when he chased down the blonde. Oh he hadn’t forgotten him at all. His death is played for laughs as Party guy tries helping him out of the water, but there is no helping him out of the water. Because he’s fat. But it doesn’t mean he wants to die! He just unfortunately does. But not before pulling into the water Party guy. Even in death he has to still play a goof on his friends.

Now does this mean it is the end of Party dude? Nope. Grudge shark has decided it’s time to show restraint and go swim off his meals. We should all learn from this shark. Speaking of learning from. Does this mean people are ready to admit there is a ghost shark problem?

Of course not!

The mayor is in absolute denial mode still. The sheriff just shrugs when you ask him what he believes, and no one. NO ONE. Is willing to admit a shark. Well a ghost shark, can exist, does exist, and has started a killing spree. Or I guess for a shark it’s more of a Feeding frenzy.  Well this can only mean good things naturally.

So the mayor is the father of party guy, he thinks his son was drunk as hell, and this is why he saw what he thought he saw, and all the other party goers saw. His logical conclusion is to have his son locked up and kept out of the press, and away from anyone else that might try to tie his son as the murderer, or hear him and his insane shark stories. Naturally his friends are ignored when they prompt the mayor with their own scooby doo findings and shark stories.

It would usually prove to be annoying in a movie like this. But they managed to not only make it fun. But actually something you don’t mind seeing. Again its refreshing, and a talent to take a scene played out in so many films, but make it something watchable and invested. I make it sound like a rarity. But in the case of 6 shitty films before this one? It is definitely a rarity in these waters, and an absolute sign of quality from the filmmakers when they get you to care about the movie instead of laughing the whole thing off.

Speaking of laughing it all off. We get a fun turn of events here, and great play on the absolute blindness of the mayor and sheriff. As the sheriff is leading party guy out to his car with plans of locking him up in a cell. His deputy calls him over to show him something he found.

What he found ends up being a chewed up hand, and a paddle board with a shark mouth sized bite taken out of it. These things are proof of a shark. But their response is “eeeeh”. So it hasn’t convinced them. Well. The deputy pulls out a found cellphone, “You won’t find something like this on the discovery channel.” He says before hitting play and showing a replay of the dude bro making his flip into the jaws of Grudge shark.

Does THAT convince them?

OF COURSE NOT! It only mildly. Mildly gets them to react beautifully. On the one hand we have the mayor refusing to acknowledge the footage and ask the sheriff “Well what do you think?” And the sheriff gives the best dad response and look of painfully shrugging with an “Eeeeeh, I don’t know”

The damn shark could wave at the camera. Chomp its jaws several times to show it’s a shark, people could point and scream SHARK, the shark could tattoo along its side KILLER SHARK. And these two would still deny it. Well don’t worry party people. We have hope on the horizon. Surely something will make them cave and realize what it is they’re dealing with. The filmmakers are setting us up for a gameshow called “Who’s next”, and its gonna be fun.

On one stage, we have kids setting up a slip and slide in their backyard

On the next stage we have a horny kid who threw a cup of mud over the front of a nice car, jumped in, and drove it down the street to a college bikini car wash.

And on our final stage. We have a plumber getting ready to work underneath a clogged sink.

Who’s it gonna be?! Who’s death will reign surpreme! Take your guesses and write down your selection for the winner!

Did you make your guesses?

Alright so the winner is…..

Wait for it…..

EVERYONE!!! That’s right! Every last one of these people does and IT. IS. BEAUTIFUL!

The plumber loosens up the pipe from the sink and IMMEDIATELY gets chomped down through the pipe!

The kids playing with the slip and slide go one after the other, but it isn’t until tubby chubby kid goes down the slip and slide that ZOOOM he slides right into the jaws of death.

And that horny kid who jumped in his dads red charger. He goes from being a horny kid oogling college babes and their breast, to screaming and crying as the girls are town apart by the shark, appearing out of their buckets of water!

This film is a goddamn legend in the making!

If the shark stood atop the car and roared out “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!” I would leap up from my chair crushing my cider can and scream back “YOUR DAMN RIGHT I AM SHARKY!”

Actually I am pushing my drink away from me because I worry the shark could jump out of it and that would be worrying, but also a godsend after these past 6 days. So what comes of this you ask? Well now you have the press doing stories about, get ready for this, “an yet to be identified creature attacking people.”, apparently shark is a word you can’t use, especially with a hard S.

So yes no one still believes in Grudge shark, maybe it’s because they use santa magic to appear in tiny places. Who knows. What we do know is the body count is rising, and our four surviving friends are being sought for questioning now by authorities. Which. Can. Only. Go. Well.

While all this of course is going on. We have someone to check in with. FINCH! The drunk lighthouse keeper with a terrible deep secret. He’s keeping busy with his lighthouse duties and keeping horny teens off his land and away from, the cave. The cave our shark came from. But he can’t stop them all. No. We see a girl headed off into this cave, even after he warns against it. So it being his duty he makes way for the cave. Now. Will he die? No! He’s a power player damnit. But he does offer us something to gnaw on. We don’t see the girl he was after. But we do see, as he enters the cave, fossils of other animals laid out in the walls. More markings and, in the corner of the cave out of the water? The remains of the great white shark. How it got out of the water, I cannot say. But it has, and our mystery is about to get a little deeper. While he’s out exploring this cave. Our trio of party guy, good guy and girl are. Well on their way to talk to Finch. Because he drinks, and knows things.

Naturally as he isn’t home right now, these kids are above the law so they invite themselves into his lighthouse. Only to stumble upon his secret underground basement of drunkitude. It’s like superman’s place, but for drinking and reminiscing.

They don’t uncover any secrets, they aren’t full scooby doo certified. But what they do, do however. Is uncover a drunken shrine to Finch’s late wife, view his collection of late medieval armor, and various collection of art, antiques and booze. Which shocks no one. But mildly surprises the group, only because Finch appears magically and throws a bottle at the wall. There is no grand unveiling of any story or mysteries sadly. Only as mentioned, the deepening of one. He doesn’t tell them about the shark’s body, or anything else he found. But he does hint at the towns deep secret. “The cave brings things back, it don’t take them away.”, he begins drinking more heavily and confirms their suspicions that, others in the town know what he means. He mumbles to them that he knows their secret. He knows what that cave does, and that ‘someone’ else knows too. The plot. She thickens! But to what end…

So armed with this, and a passed out Finch. The kids are determined to uncover this mystery. Perhaps they’ll learn more using google. Or taking a trip to the maritime museum which talks at length about the lighthouse and possible resurrection island?! Who knows. What we do know however….its shark o’clock somewhere!

Yes time for another round of who gets got. Only this time. It’s not such a fun game as our next victim being served up? The horny younger sister. That’s right, she’s still in this movie. And her death shall be in a bubble bath. NO THERE IS NO NUDITY YA PERV!! For shame! This is a pretty pg movie for petes sake and I hadn’t really even noticed or complained. Which again is a good sign of a good movie. However what isn’t so good is the sister stepping into her bath and relaxing. About to let out the stream of farts she’d been holding in all day. When suddenly the water glows blue and WHAM! Grudge shark strikes.

Because we are in movie land logic is often tossed aside, so the fact her sister and friends show up at the exact moment she’s being eaten is. Well lets roll with it. They show up and see the bathtub lined with blood but no body. Well this is weird as usually there’s always some limb left. No time to think on it! Because here comes the shark, sister in mouth out of the tub and….her older sister grabs onto her, pulling her free from the jaws of death.

Was it plot armor that saved her? Our sources say it’s a strong likely possibility. But apparently the shark had only grabbed hold of her leg and dragged her under. Before she was pulled free by her older sister. So for those wanting another body? So sad. For those glad she survived? Yay on you. So for a sister near death when they rescued her, screaming and covered in blood. She apparently only had ‘minor’ wounds on one leg. Which they cover in towels, held in place by every belt she owned. Which is pretty hilarious. But also again. Why? Why did the shark decide she was only worth a nibble and not destroying like it had everyone else? Maybe it’s also because the shark is age restricted and realized it wasn’t her time yet. We’ll go with that over plot armor.

But none of that will soon matter. As our trio is back off adventuring for answers. Leaving a hobbled sister down but not out. She’ll be fine as long as she stays away from any water dispensing devices. As they plotted earlier they are headed to the maritime museum for answers, anything that can tell them a bit more about the cave and lighthouse. But not without some resistance. See Finch is coming out of his drunken coma now and realizing through visions that, these kids are headed into a world of danger!

We also begin to get a bit more of an idea as to why Finch is the towns favorite drunk. 9 years ago his wife went diving near that cave, and was never seen or heard from again. They all believed he killed her so the man became a town outcast. Which was fine as it gave him more free time to drink. But if this cave has taught us anything, as have his own words earlier. Perhaps his wife did come back and he had to kill her? Or she’s banging sharks now. Who knows. All I know is I would pay bitcoin currency to hear him say “Sometimes, dead. Is better.”

So our trio of wonder kids are investigating and luckily for them, they come across a walking version of google, we old people know as, a museum curator. They know all there is to know about the town and all its super duper secrets.

Does. The town have any? Oh only the best most clever ever!.

Everything you need to know, is summed up in one line from this man, “Are you familiar with…the colony that vanished in Roanoke Virginia?”, If these bastards start screaming CROATOA! At the shark, I’m gonna lost my collective shit. And this is just my second can of cider.

You see they have a diary. Written by a woman named Maria. She believed that everything that happened in Roanoke and this island colony, are tied to the supernatural. Ghost you see. She claims the entire island population began to vanish until no one but her was left. That something was haunting and taking over the island. Then she found people were going off to a certain cave. And that those in this cave, were coming back as the undead! So the undead wiped out the entire town, including possibly Maria. But there is hope! Hope in a grand grimoire. Which is…sadly missing from the museum.

Which is both unfortunate. But also rather quickly explained as we see none other than Finch! Yes Finch made his way to the museum specifically to claim the grimoire. He knew they’d try to get ahold of it. But why would he try to stop them? Things are definitely afoot now. But he can’t risk being stopped so, he creates a diversion. A fire in the waste basket! This isn’t doing anyone any favors as now the museum is being flooded. Which says both good things about the effectiveness of the fire sprinkler system, but also speaks poorly of the same fire sprinkler system as less than 20 seconds and the building is under a foot of water.

You know what this means right? Shark time baby!

Yep. Where there’s water, there’s sharks. And this water kitty is hungry! Unfortunately it takes the arm of our museum curator before he can test out the theory of shouting out Croatoa too see if this will stop it. But she isn’t done yet. Ooh no. For some reason this shark has a vendetta for these kids. Why is HUGELY unclear as they’re seemingly innocent kids. Well except for party guy. His dad, well more importantly his family dating back to the early settlers of the colony knew about this cave and its secrets. Sooo his dad is officially mayor badman. Because he knew about this cursed cave. He knew what it was capable of doing. Which also means he knew it was possible the cave could produce a corporeal translucent grudge ghost shark. Maybe, I don’t know. But he’s Mayor Badman now.

The kids are doing their best to survive this museum of death and look ready to make their way out. But alas. Grudge shark is here and after another one of them. So of course since mayor Badman is a badman. This means his kid. Party guy is a badman, I guess. So party guy has to die. Parties over dude! Chomp! He gets chomped in half leaving behind a classy pair of legs. And a legacy of extreme parties. Heaven just opened up its vip section in the club for one more.

But we aren’t done yet. The people who made this film knew how to drive a juggernaut, it’s rather evident so far. So why should the last 30 minutes of our adventure prove any different? Soon after Good guy and good girl escape the museum after losing another friend. We switch over to the sheriff’s station, where Buttbaby and mayor Badman are discussing current events. Meanwhile an officer grabs himself a cup of water. Shimmering, glowing BLUE water. No a shark doesn’t leap out from his tiny paper cup. That’s too easy. Far to simple.

No instead, the shark begins to form inside the mans body. Until it groans, mumbles, and stumbles its way awkwardly into the sheriff’s office. Where finally. In front of both the sheriff and mayor. This poor mans body explodes splitting into two and from it sprouts a shark that vanishes upward into the heavens. Again, flawless execution and flourish by the shark. Mayor badman cant believe his eyes. But even worse. He can’t believe his ear holes as he is quickly told that they located his son. What’s left of him! So now Mayor badman is seeking vengeance. He is willing to admit that yes, a shark returned from the dead and seeking revenge in the form of a corporeal translucent grudge shark does exist. But further more. He is acknowledging the existence of a cursed cave capable of bringing the dead back to life. Therefor effective immediately. He’s gonna get that damn shark and avenge his boy.

We have Mayor Badman out after the shark and cave.

Good girl is conversing with good boy and her sister. She knows what must be done to stop this madness. They need that grimoire. And she thinks she knows exactly who has it. So its time to find him, find the book, and get some answers before destroying the shark, and possibly this ancient curse.

We have Good Girl out after the shark, the cave, and the book.

BUT

BEFORE WE GET TO THAT!!!

This damn shark is STILL. NOT. DONE!

Oh hell no, it is far from done.

Bless these filmmakers for making quite possibly the greatest shark film I have seen. Ever. Sharknado series was just silly cheese. This film is fucking next level. And more importantly. It hates kids! Anyone is a target in this movie and no one. NO ONE. Is safe. I love it. Too many films put up safety nets. This film takes the rule book and tosses it into a fire. It turns its baseball cap backwards and turns its chair around to sit like the coolest kid in cool school.

Good guy and horny little sister are driving off in a truck to get to safety and regroup with good girl big sister. But there’s a problem. A group of kids are playing in the street with a fire hydrant that’s spraying water across the road. Of course being good people they try warning the kids to get out of the road. That there’s danger. These kids do not give one shit. The littlest in the group especially does not care. In fact he’s challenging them to fight. They don’t know what to do. Either let those poor dumb kids die. Or scare them. So they opt to scare them by driving right into them.

Of course they don’t run them over! The kids run out of the way. Thankfully though the truck was just in time as the shark took form and charged out of the spraying water. Hitting their truck nose first, instead of devouring those kids. But now they have three problems.

Firstly their truck won’t start now. The shark took out the truck!

Secondly, these kids are pissed off now, thinking these two tried running them over, so now they want a turf war!

And thirdly! Everyones in the street! In the water! There’s still a grudge shark out there!

Well our heroes run from the little shit kids and their group of swift flinging, muscle posing tough kids. But that shark is a loveable bastard and he eats two of the smallest kids. Leaving behind tiny dancing legs with no torsos, and three very confused scared bigger kids. Who take off running. Causing a great and horrible time to laugh as Good guy drops to his knees in a silent scream as he looks at the horror of two dead kids chopped in half by a grudge shark. I know I’m a horrible person, but it’s the damned funniest thing and again. Bless this movie for having the balls to kill kids.

We are entering the final act of this film, and I am truly excited. This film is damn good for being what it is, and even being super low budget, it’s the most entertaining thing I’ve seen in years. This is not even hype. It’s just a really well made B movie.

So we need a way to kill the shark. Well the book has that, but Finch has the book. And as Good girl makes it to the secret cave, she meets up with mr Finch. Who’s not terribly upset? But also not horrible happy to see her. But the two begrudgingly work together. They decipher from the journal that indeed there is a way to stop this shark. But also possibly a way to keep Finch’s dead wife alive without completely destroying the curse of this island.

They can send back the spirit of one of those brought back, by the use of a talisman. BUT. It has to be a talisman made from the very thing that killed it. So this is now complicated.

As we may recall. This shark was shot 8 times by a .357. Shot with a crossbow, doused in hot sauce, and exploded by grenade. You’d think the grenade killed it, but it’s oddly still intact. The only thing left on the shark is. The arrow. So this is their chosen talisman. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. But I am saying I would have proposed to this movie immediately if they claimed the thing that killed it was hot sauce, and they needed a bottle of hot sauce to serve as the talisman to defeat it.

Man that would’ve been amazing. But I can’t fault this perfect shitty film.

So arrow it is. There is hope still.

However is their hope for Mayor Badman and Sheriff Buttbaby?

That duo is using the dead dads fishing boat to head out toward the cave. But they aren’t going to venture off into the cave. No instead Mayor Badman wants to face the shark and shoot it. With normal human bullets. Not supernatural ammunition with croatoa etched into them, or loaded with blessed timber. Sheriff gets to reinact a scene from Jaws as he’s told to chum the waters, while Mayor Badman steers the boat with a rifle like Quints. The music even takes a faint jaws tone. But not enough to draw you out or make you laugh. Just a fun little beat. But the fun is short lived as as our brave power player sheriff is soon taken off the boat by the shark and the shark drags him around the waters kicking and screaming. Sending our mayor into the safety of the bathroom. Loading up his weapon and looking around suspiciously for the killer of his son, and countless others.

But he isn’t safe. Not even in the bathroom. If you even have to ask, I won’t look you in the face. I mean I can’t. I’m not in your home lookin for cheez-it crackers while you read this. But you know where this is going. Your in a bathroom, surrounded by water on the outside. But what has water inside a bathroom? Yes. Just as you realize it, so does the mayor. Which he realizes all too late as he has his ass eaten out in a not fond and or loving fashion. He is devoured and pulled through the toilet one chunk at a time.

So now we really are down to just our heroes and last power player. Go team arrow I guess?

Surely this arrow plan will work out.

Let’s find out!

So our grand stage is set. Good girl knees deep in the water, holding an arrow. Ready for glowing grudge shark. Finch offering drunken support from the safety of the rocks, AND now her little sister and good guy friend are there. And of course, met with thunderous applause and the roar of the crowd as John Cena’s theme plays. In comes our beautiful great white boy Grudgy the Grudge Shark. It’s a tense few moments. Caught between two people she knows and cares about screaming “It’s not safe! Get out of the water! Don’t do it!” and the drunken shouts of “Your doin great! Yeah, you got this!” from good old Finch are echoing around her. Palms are sweaty, moms spaghetti. Here comes the shark and she’s ready. Grudgy charges straight for her. He has no fear of death. He has died and is not afraid to die again. He was struck down and became more powerful than anyone possibly imagined. But she also has no fear. She is style and grace, but she will splatter your blood all over this place. It’s carnageagedon in here! As Grudge charges she leaps dramatically into the air and jams the arrow triumphantly into its eye. Just like the rednecks whom shot it in the beginning! Minus the hot sauce and grenade of course. But she did it! The shark is jittering in place like a still image floating above the water. Crackling into pieces and glowing an eerie pee yellow until It explodes!

The shark is dead! Ring the bell ref! Ring the bell! Even Finch is pleasantly surprised and decided to retrieve the arrow as a trophy, or possible totem back scratcher.

But wait, it’s not over! The shark just lunges from the water and chomps off a few fingers and hand of drunken Finch!. The arrow didn’t work at all! They failed miserably!

Could it be? Could the hot sauce talisman actually become a real fucking viable object to defeat ethereal evil?!! Let’s not rule it out just yet! Things are shaping up here. So our group have retreated into the confines of the lighthouse basement. Finch is trying to find another possible way to stop this madness without destroying the cave and losing his wife again. But the kids are taking the Ripley approach. Let’s nuke the site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Well Finch can’t do it. He just can’t. He needs to keep his wife alive. Which is still a mystery the film is holding back because. We have yet to come across her ghostly visage, or zombie corpse. So what gives? Well we aren’t finding out any time soon. Instead. We are fulfilling one of the loose ends. The story of Finches wife, as told by finch. Good girl tries reasoning with him. That he has to accept that she is gone and they must save the people that are still alive. But Finch is screaming out defiantly he can’t do it. When asked why, he lets out that HE had killed her! Apparently she used to love treasure hunting, and the high tide would draw out treasures from sunken ships, so she’d go out diving to gather them.  Which lead her to the cave. Discovering trinkets in the cave. But one night when they were both in this cave. They ended up fighting one another. Which he says they would do now and then. But it would get worse when they’d both drink. So one night they got into it hardcore while both drunk. She struck him with a figure she discovered in the cave, he lost himself to his rage and he strangled her under the water. He had no control and he killed her. When he realized what happened he ran back to the lighthouse. He told called the police and told them she was dead in the cave but left out how he had killed her. When the police made it out there, they never found her body. But they suspected it was him. So ever since. He’s wondered where she was. If there’s no body. Then she must be out there somewhere. But at the same time, she never went after him for revenge. So was she truly dead dead? Or was she alive and looking for him but unable to find him. He believes she is still out there. So now he wants to find her. Apologize for what he had done, and make amends. But the kids are still pro team blow things to holy hell.

Naturally his disagreement leads to out voting them, in the form of a shotgun. Which immediately wins him the vote of not blowing up the cave, as well as gaining possession of the grimoire. Politics at work people.

So armed with a shotgun and a book full of hope. Finch is headed out for the once again abandoned boat nearby. As for team hero? Well they are off on mission Fuck You Finch. Headed into town to go get explosives from a construction site, and anything else they can use to help with their mission. We are back to two missions, one will win. The other will fail. Who’s journey will reign surpreme!

Well we’ll find out in exactly 10 minutes.

So the kids return with their dynamite dreams and fuel filled hope. But they aren’t alone. Finch is there as well! But he’s not about to fight them off. And not because they dare him to play shotgun vs dynamite. Finch has had a change of heart.

In the form of a ghostly visit from his wife. While searching the book for an answer. The book is torn from his hands and we see an enlraged glowing photo of her face. The book flips through multiple pages until it settles on the answer he seeked. Which would never reunite them. But would bring peace, and he knows this now. She doesn’t seek to kill him. But forgive him. I don’t know if I agree with it. But here we are.

Finch helps our heroes setup their explosives and we are all set for Sparky Sparky boom.

However the shark isn’t going to give up without a hell of a fight. Just as the fuse is lit from a relatively safe distance. The shark swims up and destroys the fuse. Score one for team shark! But things are going from bad. To worse it seems. What could possibly be worse you ask?

Rain.

The one thing I was wondering if the film would use. They did it. How can you possibly escape a ghost grudge shark in the rain. They are doomed. DOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Well, at least Finch is. He sees the shark falling from the top rope of the clouds toward him and his last words are asking forgiveness for what he had done. Farewell abusive sweet prince. Come on, drunk or not dude beat his wife then killed her. Hard to cheer for him. But he is no more.

But the movie isn’t done with us. Now begins the deadliest game of the floor is lava, with shark puddles. So our group has to leap frog over puddles, avoid the shore, look above themselves and employee the strongest regiment of the 5 D’s.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive and Dodge!

Never in the history of mankind was the wisdom of Patches O’Houlihan more needed, required, and called upon for survival.

We have horny little sister and good guy leap frogging across the island avoiding chomping jaws of death, while Good girl older sister enters the cave and decides fuck safety. I’m gonna set this thing on fire myself IDGAF!

It seems the shark is far too busy going after the others to notice what she’s up too because she’s all set to go, even throwing out her own one liner, “Bite me you bitch!” With that she lights the fuse and runs for her life. But not before the ghost shark tells her to suck it! Grudge shark flys out of a nearby puddle and slams Good girl Ava into the wall knocking her down but not out. The fuse is getting closer to destruction time. It looks like this could be the end of her. But of course its not! Right?

Well maybe. Ava wakes up and she puts some hustle behind that muscle and launches herself out of the cave and dives into the water.

The cave explodes in bright blue light. The spirits of the colony are frees and all evil is released from the cave of return. But the shark isn’t dead yet! It has returned to the water and headed for Ava. She’s about to take it on head first as her sister and good guy friend watch helplessly. It would seem the shark. Has finally caught its pray.

Well wait a minute. That can’t be the end! This movie isn’t down and depressing!

Well no shit sherlock! She lives! The shark vanished back into the netherworld.

And we end, the only way this film felt it could’ve. It would normally be cringy. It would make me groan and pray it never happened.

But because this film was as good as it was. Possible even better than it deserved to be. It actually worked.

They fucking ended with the ending lines of Jaws.

Asking what day was it, and the time. As they trio swim out toward land and safety after having taken down the great ghost grudge shark, and destroying the cave of re-animation.

The end.

This movie was amazing. In every possible way it delivered the goods and I really did feel for a while there that this almost should’ve have been on this list. Because it was just too damn good. But this was a syfy produced film. It was made on the low budget and for B movie fans.

So it absolutely deserves to be on this film list I chose because it delivers on everything that makes a bad movie great, and more then that, This damn thing has weaseled its way into being a film I will likely purchase and physically own with as much pride and defense as I have for my 70’s golden era adult erotica.

Or porn if you will.

We have a solid cast of little known actors mixed with quality 80’s character actors. There’s a good script based off a silly idea. The film doesn’t play itself as a total joke. It takes the subject with a hint of seriousness and silliness. Balancing the two almost to a point you don’t really laugh too hard when the shark does suddenly appear and the actors are horribly green screened with their torsos or limbs comically missing.

I had a science teacher who used to tell stories whenever we asked things. Because he liked coming off as a well of anecdotes and wisdom. When a student asked if they could use the bathroom he went on a speech which applies to this film and others, so I will share it with you all. Because this is my review.

If a subject is of interest to you. Your body will shut down certain body functions. Your focus will be on the subject of interest that has grabbed yours. So say a movie in a theater, or in his case, learning cool science. So if you watch something, and don’t feel the need to pee or take a dump. Then the movie is doing its job. The subject has your interest and you are invested. But if its boring, and the subject doesn’t hold your interest or you have no interest in it. Then you’ll feel more of a stronger need to piss or take a dump.

Which he’s mostly right but if you can watch the extended lord of the rings films without stopping to pee, you are just not human.  But you get what they were saying, and this film delivers on that.

It holds your interest because it’s well made, silly but well made. The effects aren’t in your face bad. But they certainly are there to be chuckled at. However the story and characters are never in on the joke. They play it straight and that buys investment in them and their story. Most of these films don’t even bother to put that much thought into character or story. They use the KISS method of keeping it simple. But usually they fail because they don’t have the skills, or the story even as a simple one. Just sucks. Especially when you try to carry it for an hour and 30 minutes. Like we said before the sweet spot for these kinds of films is 78 minutes. Anything over that and you are risking a lot.

But this was worth the risk and dive into. It’s actually leaving Amazon unfortunately and I believe the only way you’ll be able to see it by the time this is posted will either be digitally through VUDU, or you’ll have to hunt down a physical copy on amazon. Which is unfortunate. But at the same time I feel strongly enough to say this is well worth the purchase.

Good content should always be rewarded. This was a real diamond in the rough and I look forward to convincing the masses to convert over to it and embrace it.  I’m really proud of this movie. I fear for what comes next, but this. This gives me hope.

I mean seriously, any time a low budget film reinacts or quotes a legendary classic. You gotta have balls doing that when you know what it is your making. But to do it and have your audience forgive you because they feel you earned a free pass. You did a good job.

Praise be this film, and godspeed Grudge Shark.

Though I still would’ve loved this even more if they did use hot sauce.