SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 6

Day 6 Noah’s Shark

What fresh hell has brought us to this point.

Who would have ever thought. This would be a thing to see filmed?

We live in an age where things like Zoombies. Zombeavers. Jurassic Zombies, Lavalantula exist.

Even Snakes on a plane spawned Snakes on a Train. Scorpions on a plane. It just. Goes on and on.

But biblical sharks? I mean.

Screw it why not?

But to their defense. Which I already regret saying. The film synopsis gives some, disclaimer of hope. As its almost sadly NOT about Noah and his sharks. We don’t see him battling Sharks(or do we..) Instead we get, prehistoric sharks and as we had in our last film. An ancient curse.

What could possibly go wrong?

Noah’s Shark

Tagline: Get to Higher Ground

Synopsis: A fame-seeking televangelist and his film crew team set out to find the fabled Noah’s Ark, but discover it is guarded by both an ancient curse and a prehistoric great white shark.

There’s no salvation in this. There is no hope. You have been warned. Prepare yourselfs for an experience, as we Dive in to a WildEye release and the infamouse…Polonia Bros Entertianment.

On that note. For the unfamiliar. The Polonia bro’s became known back in the time of VHS, for a horrible film known as FEEDERS. They in fact made a large number of direct to video films they shot on camcorder. This actually was a thing back in the day. They. Still are. To this day.

It is. A legacy. Only time will tell if that legacy is good or, as shit as their films have been. The fact they’re still making these things is as confusing as Tommy Wiseau still putting out products, and Neil Breen being making an extended universe.

But it is very incredibly fair to say tha the Polonia Bros. for good or ill have been shitting out content for our eyes to devour, and our minds to shrivel over. If ever there was a time more appropriate for a “Dash all hopes ye who enter” sign, this’d do it.

We open on a dark and stormy night. A priest is giving an interview about being summoned to help a possessed girl Anna, She is, well possessed. We know this because she stares oddly at us and speaks with little emotion. The brave priest comforts the mother by telling her she’s in good hands. To show us she is evil and possessed Anna has to tell us “The hands are the easy part. Its when he makes me touch the other things. He says it’s holy. He says it’s different than the other boys. Because he’s a man of god.”

Now hearing this. The priest does not stare sternly in the face of evil. He is shook and counters “That is the voice of the devil!” This is not very comforting but alright let’s go with it. Does that resolve the scene so we can move on to the actual exorcism? Hell no! We need more! But. Do we?

So possessed girl retorts “That’s right, spank the devil out of me. I’ve been very bad daddy. Show me again what bad girls get!”

Well obviously this exorcism isn’t going to go very well. In fact it goes nowhere. Because the girls mom is taking her out of the house because she believes her daughter was now molested by a televangelist priest who isn’t even on basic cable.

This point is even further made when the cameraman tells him “I think your show…just got canceled.” But to REALLY hammer it home. The possessed girl is standing in the door way and confirms “Better luck next time priest!” slams the door and OOOOOoo spooky time! An image of a green possible devil, possible evil doll is placed over her own and the priest is once again shook to his core.

But that’s not important right now. No. What is. Is the question we all had in the first damn place. Which was how in the hell we got Noah’s Sharks. Granted he took two of each animal.. But did it include all evil ones too? Two of each type? That’s a lot of sharks right there. Well That’d be the easier explanation. Noah took two great whites, male and female. They proceeded to eat other animals. Became a threat and Noah had to take care of them old Testament style.

But no. No what we get is something much. Much more requiring herbal substance to properly understand. Get ready for this boatload of backstory.

This is directly from the film by the way

It has been that written that Noah, son of Lamech, was the 10th patriarch, and at the age of 500 years, fathered Shem, Japheth, and Ham. And Shem fathered Arpachshad, and Arpachshad down through his descendants begat Abraham. Japheth begat Magog and Gomer and many children who became kin to man. It was Ham who begat Canaan and called upon him a curse. It was not the first curse of Noah, but the only to be known today. The other curse of Noah landed upon his son Zadkiel, and this, is his name lost today. His name exist only in the Book of the Witch of Endor, which was struck from the Bible. The witch herself was nearly struck from the book of Samuel for necromancy and wizardry. And thus was her writing lost for centuries. But we find in the Book of the Witch that Zadkiel believed in the covenant of Noah and worked alongside his fathers and brothers in the building of the ark, which the animals would go in two by two. But Zadkiel rested when the others did not and found himself by a lake. And that is where he found the devil. In those days, a demon could come in the form of a snake, as one did to Adam and Eve, or in the form of other creatures of an evil nature. So it was on that day that Zadkiel, son of Noah, first met the shark.

The shark spoke to Zadkiel of the coming flood and asked to be taken upon the ark, but Zadkiel said until the shark that his father Noah had already picked the two that would go together. It was then the demon shark made a bargain with Zadkiel and that bargain was that the shark would protect Zadkiel from all the creatures of God and would be the master of the coyote, the hawk, the lion, the grizzly, and all creatures who walk or fly and might want to have mastery over man. And so it was that Zadkiel snuck the shark upon his fathers vessel. And when Noah found out what Zadkiel had done, he struck his son in his drunkenness. Zadkiel came too close to the shark, and the demon betrayed him as all devils do.

And thus Noah gather his other sons and push the shark overboard, and then did Noah pledge Shem, Japhet, and Ham to silence, as the ark was to have been a place of harmony and the discord of the brother and his shark which made three instead of two and then three instead of four must not be spoken of again. And thus by this did another curse fall on the family of Noah, that the flood lasted for 40 days instead of four and the stories that were hidden about those days were woeful.

That. That is our explanation. Welcome to Polonia cinema.

What I left out of that description. Was this was all told through horrible horrible retelling of the event. Where we get the demon shark as a hand puppet. Talking to Zadkiel. Noah in an actual you can buy this pattern wizard outfit from Michael’s craft. Complete with a beard that came straight out of a 6th grade play. Seriously I’m not even being mean. The beard is worse quality than Monty Python when it’s trying to be horrible bad. We also get a digital shark in digital water. It’s…something.

So that’s our backstory. An untold story of Noah and a demon shark. Our priest is talked into doing a documentary searching for the arc and its secret curse. The director even tells the priest he has a board, an actual board from the arc itself. It is a piece of wood from Lowes that’s been sanded. But we’ll play with it. He even said the old lady he got it from gave him official papers and everything claiming its legit so. Couple that with the Book of the Witch being authentic. We got a priest interested. But when the priest puts his hand onto the board from the arc and senses not only a heartbeat. But also receives a vision of a man in a plaid shirt fist fighting a shark. He now is invested in this mystery.

But. Before we get too excited. This is as cheap as cheap can be. That’s the key to the Polonia brothers and their……………………………………………………………………………success? So the most we see of an arc? Yeah. You just saw it. A CGI arc on the water, and a home depot sanded board. But this isn’t just any board no. In this film, It’s a piece of Noah’s arc. A POSSESSED piece of wood from Noah’s arc! Yes the wood is possessed, and an exorcism is to be performed. Because that’s what father Benna does.

It’s also worth noting the priest in this film of theirs is. Well. He’s an established Polonia Universe character. His priest character shows up in other films of there’s. Including Amityville in Space, and Amityville Exorcism, So that. That’s something.

So with our official backstory laid out, a possessed board from a shop, holding the memories, death and blood of all whom had come across this board. We are prepared for…..an exorcism.

On a piece of wood.

There was a reason the films I chose are all free to stream online. This would be one of them.

So with his blessed cross from the dollar store, and script in hand. We are ready to bring to the screen the best exorcism scene to dethrone the Exorcist. Or die trying. It doesn’t die. I checked. Well our dollar store priest walks into the brick room with the possessed board and whips out his cross, immediately chanting out scripture from who knows what book and within moments. The board is rattling shaking and on digital fire. But our priest remains cool. The board is releasing plumes of evil smoke and regular smoke. Because it’s on fire, and it looks super real and threatening. Even his cameraman/documentarian is looking mildly concearned and ask him “Dude, what’s going on? Is this real?” It’s a fair question from the audience asked with about as much excitement as it would have doing so. But not so fair when your in a film where a board n its own is rattling rumbling bouncing and spitting unholy fire. Also sputting out a super nearly see thru visage of a killer great white. It is indeed the very board of the cursed arc.

Well unfortunately the exorcism scene isn’t long. It just sort of begins to get going and then finishes right when things were getting started and the board puts on a fake smile, excuses itself to go clean up and take care of what was slightly stirred.

The possessed board also spits out a possessed mouse after the exorcism. Which the priest stomps out, despite his assistant whimpering out a mild protest “Oh man, but what about the whole, all creatures great and small?” To which our cool as a cucumber priest answers back with nonsense about a beast and its name being legion for we are many. I don’t get it. But if the man wants to smash mice, I guess let him do so or he’ll give you the same explanation the homeless man wrapped in foil and trash backs does when asking about his hat and him going off about aliens and what’s really going on.

So after stomping a poor mouse and calling it evil. Our invested priest confirms two things. He needs to read this Book of the Witches, and we need to go see this arc. But as the cameraman/documentarian tells him, they don’t even have any funds raised yet for this endeavor. Instead of quoting scripture the priest just brushes this fact off and tells him we don’t need to wait for funds. We need to read the now journal of the witches which was until that moment formally the Book of the Witches. And we need to get to the arc so. No fundraising.

Well things are certainly shaping up and we are underway. But not before the polonia’s show us they can shoot music videos for moody teens at Hot Topic.

We fade from our exorcism scene to a pretty goth girl dressed as a hooded mystic witch, laid on the ground with apples around her matching her red lipstick and hair. It’s the beginning to an amateur metal video which then transitions instead of to a forest full of trees and Norwegian metal artist. Brings us too another lady dressed colorfully and lit very music video ready with two maleficent horns on her head, shot in lowkey lighting. We see these two lady witches posing and wondering for a while, until we come upon the plaid shirt man from the priest possessed board visions. The man is writing a journal about his search for the arc, and scaling Mount Nebo.

He talks to us about the trials he faced climbing the mountain. Of his reading the Book of the Witch, and feeling like he knows her….the Witch of Endor. And all of her prophecies. From the forest moon of Endor. Which of course, having read these prophecies, means the church would banish him for having read these things. So naturally he isn’t going to share this with the church. Or his visions of the witch, or hooded figures in rock queries. In fact he won’t be sharing anything at all because SHAAAAAAARK!!!!

I wish but sadly no. The cashier from Hot Topics greets him in a vision of his own and transports him the Noah’s arc much in the same fashion as a knight of the round table was transported to a castle and the grail.

He was brought to the arc naturally by this demon angel cashier to see what it was he had longed and quested for. But he needed proof that he was actually there, and that this wasn’t just him tripping on shrooms in the woods. So he pulled out a mystical hammer and began prying the possessed board from the ship. All while his demon angel witch cashier moans out electronically. Ignoring the obvious dangers and taking his prize. Surely no harm can come from this?

OF COURSE IT DOES! SHARK TIME BITCHES!!

That’s right. This adventurer and witch lover stops by a small stream, and I do mean small. For a little taste of water. Only to find a shark fin in the water and RAAWR he is attacked by a shark in the face…but also the arm. So naturally after surviving this encounter. He must sever his arm with a camping hatchet. For reasons. But it’s not going to stop him from carrying his prized piece of the arc!

But enough of that for now. I mean we can’t spend 9 minutes showing you backstory and just suddenly cut away from the ending of that story to focus back on our main story right? What kind of madman would do that. Yeah. They do it.

Remember what I said a few reviews back, about how some movies can move along briskly for their hour and 10 minute run time? And certain other films can feel like an eternity in just 20 minutes?

We’re 25 minutes in and the most solid filming we’ve had with story has been in 9 minutes of a flashback. It was 9 minutes of story that made sense and went somewhere our brains could follow. What could possibly be more important than finishing that story?

The priest quipping with his dumb cameraman about where they are going to find the arc and how he has no idea where anything is. But also confusing the priest as this man is trying to make a horror show documentary of this event like he did the priest exorcism show. So the priest decides he should maybe watch some of these shows they produced with him in them and. God help us. We are indeed greeted to a poorly put together and even worse edited episode of his show and the theatrics his cameraman friend puts into it. It’s hard to tell from the priest what exactly his reaction is to all of it. As his face shifts mildly from a look of “Am I sweating between my cheeks or is that shit?” to then shifting his facial expression into one of “That’s definitely shit, and its starting to irritate my skin, I need to wipe that or it’s gonna get worse and I’ll get a rash”, you can think I am being gross and inappropriate. But what the scene yourself and you’ll know it fits. It fits perfectly. That man needed to wipe to save the very soul of his ass.

Meanwhile Mr Cameraman/documentarian/producer friend, is off to talk with powerful people about raising funds he needs for the documentary about the arc. He also needs to talk to a girl he met on a dating site, who happens to be an actress. Whom he wishes to bone and put in his film about the arc. But unbeknownst to him. A fat man in a red robe and even redder mask was hiding behind his car and shows us the audience, literally he is holding up in obvious display for us to see and read. He is holding a plastic container of gasoline. Which he is then throwing onto the outside of the…brick building. If your questioning this logic. Don’t.

This fat man in the robe is a visitation. We know this because after setting fire he. Decides why not wonder inside and visit the priest. You know, while in Rome. So the red robe fat man visitation is there to warn the priest. Not about the fire he set and caused. But to warn him of his man of many hats, Cameraman Buster Pretorius. Because “We know of him. You may call us. Z. We are the protectors of the Ark, and we protect the cursed ark from ever being found.”

This means, more backstory!

So. Where we last left off with our Noah story? Was that Noah begat a cursed son, Zadkiel. The one who made the devil deal with the shark and got beat down by drunk Noah and ate by the devil shark. Well it turns out he sinned. Like a lot lot. Like lot lot lots. He even ‘laid with woman’, lewd bastard. Well the woman he laid with was our Hot topics cashier witch, and she became with child. A win for Zadkiel, a loss for all of mankind. So since sin was a pretty big thing back in those days. Zadkiel decided to pull the old tried and true “Look babe, it was a one time thing, I can’t even look at you now, just you know…go back to your life, maybe I’ll call you but I doubt it. Just stay home and don’t worry about a flood or anything.” So naturally she was peeved by this and more so when the flood came. But she was saved by the fallen angel Abraxis. Who pulled a super chad move and lifted her up with a grin and his black wings with frosted tips.  He brought her to a mountain top and there she became the first and only woman to spend 40 days and 40 nights in labor. Giving birth to the first member of her cult of Zadkiel. Which spawned the group Z. Just when you thought Indiana Jones had the best secret cult of protectors for the grail. Here comes these D-bags. Suck it Spielberg!

Well as interesting as that all was, we’re about to get even more backstory and explanation. That is until Buster bust into the priest room and bashes the man of Z in the back of the head “That dude torched the studio” He stops to smell the frying pan he used to bash him and continues “Oh dude, did you cook bacon in this? Oh man I could smash some bacon right now.”

For those…christ.

I will let you google “What does smash mean” and find what the urban dictionary tells you. Then apply that to bacon and may that knowledge take you further.

So with our fat follower of Z, Buster the bacon fucker, and Father Tucker. We are ready for a road trip in a Kia.

Which leads us briefly to a house in the snow. Which is curious. Maybe it’s where the Book of the Witches is? Or the journal from the man who went searching for the ark? NOPE. It’s a random ass place Buster drove them so they could interrogate/rape/kill the fat man of Z. Who as soon as they open the trunk to the Kia. Runs out in slow motion. It is. A thing to see. And that’s it. We literally stopped for nearly a minute at this snowy house. Just to let the man go free, and Buster says “Ok, lets get out of here.”

Who said these movies had to make sense right? Well it’s not over yet. The Z man did not appreciate this, he DID warn them about Buster. So he cuts himself….somewhere. His arm, his wrist, hand. Forearm? I don’t know He did it somewhere and blood is now spraying all over Busters Kia much to his dismay “Oh man, I just had this car detailed.” Sure you did Buster. Sure you did. The man from Z declares they’re both fucked and now cursed. He does so with less enthusiasm and believability than the Mummy from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. But it works. Maybe. As our heroes take off uneventfully and back to. I don’t know. I don’t know because the movie doesn’t tell us. It just carries on. But don’t worry. We’re jumping from one place to another. One ridiculous scene to another.

As they know worry there could be more of these cultist. It is determined that they need protection. So of course, naturally. Buster the bacon fucker, “Knows a guy that knows a guy.”, so they drive off suddenly to a barn. A barn with a barrage of muffled stock gunfire. In a barn. Where we meet Jed. A woman who can’t help smiling every line because, well. You try delivering shit dialog and being serious in a film like this. So she’s the crazy gun expert they go to for guns.

Now. This is important.

No matter how much attention you pay right now. If you rewind suddenly, and play it at 1/4th speed. Even turn on subtitles. It won’t matter. But we go from Jed saying she’ll help them and bring the firepower. To our group in a snow covered forest, being chased by unseen forced. Firing off at nothing. Proclaiming they barely escaped the army behind them, and how Jed doesn’t need to shoot down an entire army. She then begins shooting again and informs them she was shooting at a snake. Which she then eats at a campfire.

Yes. That’s right.

The movie without cause, explanation, or any sort of hint. Just goes from “Okay I’ll help you” to “I think we lost the army we were shooting at!”  It’s like being at a friends house watching Lord of the Rings, and leaving for a quicky with your partner that turns from 8 minutes of fun time, to 40 minutes in your friends guest room. Coming back to the movie asking why there are trees attacking a huge tower, and didn’t those two hobbits die in the forest? Only you never see Aragorn find that Merry and Pippin escaped the orc party and heading into Fanghorn forest. Instead we actually just go from “I’ll help you” to being chased and shot at.

This movie, and I am not joking. Consist of random scenes with low loooooow attempts at humor, and a huge chunk of visions and flashbacks to those visions. It doesn’t need to make sense. It just needs to happen. Apparently.

But this is the journey we signed up for. And unfortunately. These guys made a lot more of the films on this list. So. Ye be warned.

We at least do get to see a shark. I mean there is that. Especially for a film with Shark in the title. For some reason during another flashback, aside seeing a shark doing a free willy dive out of the water multiple times. We get underwater scenes of a shark swimming lazily in the water. It’s peaceful. Out of place, but peaceful.

I think it’s fair to say, in a film where nothing happens, and things happen without being filmed but talked about. There is something else also happening here. Something incredible and funny.

As I said this film just jumps and leaps from one location to the next without answering any reason or question of why. It loosely sets up a destination, then takes it without having taken it. Again just to play catch up here. We went from their studio and the priest room. To a random place in the snowy mountains. To a barn in the same snowy mountains. To now being in the SAME snowy mountains however not at all the same. Because the mountain they were headed for where the man who found the ark and carried the board from it? That mountain? Is in Iran. The priest even tells Buster and his cameraman this fact. Buster had thought the Mountain was in Isreal. The priest informs him no. It is in Iran. Their quest. Where this man made his journal and found the ark. Pried loose a cursed board from it. Is in Iran.

The snowy American mountain forest of Iran.

The movie mentions this one time. And now here we are. On the same trail as the man who made the journal, who was in an area that at times looked like Iran, until it was wooded forest. But where is the magic? Is it in our suspension of disbelief as to where we are? Not at all. The magic is that the movie has dragged on like a chore making minutes feel like hours and then suddenly, at the peak of “is it over yet? What the hell is even going on?” You get the true magic and the horror. There is 10 minutes of film left.

These assbags. Bags of ass if you will. All in the woods, carrying flashlights in broad daylight pretending its night, are in the forest woods of Isreal, with 10 minutes left and we are no closer to understanding anything going on let alone resolving one god damn thing. At all.

I did not fall asleep during the movie. I promise you that YOU did not fall asleep during the movie. I swear to the gods both old and new that This review didn’t pull a Neverending Story twist on you and you are now a part of its story. The film magically transported us through a series of random encounters and noises. To the last 10 minutes of the movie, with no clear idea what the hell is going on, what to expect and where we are going. It is both a gift and a bag of shit thrown in your face at the same time.

At the same time.

The Polonia brothers ladies and gentlemen.

So wondering the snow covered forest, our priest is having visions. He is discovering planks of wood in trees, to which Buster exclaims “Those could’ve fallen from the tree” and the priest holding back the hardest slap ever he could deliver. Informs buster politely “Wood does not fall from a tree planked.” They keep discovering these pieces of wood, Hot Topic cashier witch flashes and Buster is no longer invested in the project claiming everything they find is “just some old pieces of wood.” Which technically I mean he isn’t wrong. But All mouths go silent as Father Tucker smiles with an “I told you bitches!” look and all their mouths are left hung open as we go from the snowy open forest, to a CGI picture of the ark in all its glory on a rocky shore. Yes it’s a stock photo. From that moment of awe and wonder. We go to the priest approaching the side of an old wooden barn with gray actually aged wood, which he touches and fondly says “Hello old girl” as if he and the ark used to drive out to makeout point and make squelching noises. I’d apologize but this movie is just. I mean goddamn come on.

So he is bonding with the ship and is greeted to , you guessed it. Flashes of visions. Of a cursed devil shark in the water, the Hot Topics cashier witch. Plaid shirt man and his battle with the puppet shark.

All around him are familiar faces, worn out places. Plaid faces bleeding. Sharks feeding Ooooh oooh.

He’s seeing unholy visitors, images of death and evil. Blood dripping from the ark itself, but hod on to your butts. There is something truly amazing coming up. He is being transported from the ark to of all places. Underwater. He can now breath underwater and the effects are truly a marvel for the ages. It has to be seen to be believed and I don’t know if I should ruin that beautiful image for you all by posting it. But we will see, and to top it off. The fat follower of Z. “We warned you father, we were not going to harm you but, yolo” so the priest is spiritually attacked. And. After a vision of the deadly devil shark passes him. He is teleported back to our world and laid out on the floor dying.

Jed is headed to the water to get him a drink of water. Something to help him. But Father Tucker is just fine. He sits up and gives us all a thumb up. No Jed is not attacked by the shark when she goes near the water. That’d be predictable and something to do with a GODDAMN SHARK! IN A GODDAMN SHARK MOVIE!!

WHERE IS THE SHARK!!!

Instead she stares off with reservation at the water and stops, Apparently also because the priest is just fine and dandy. So Buster the Bacon fucker comes over and decides its time to chat with Jed because. Buster had a religious moment. See if you can make sense of this. Won’t you?

They all saw a vision. Of the Ark. The priest was connected to it, had his moment and was attacked spiritually, leading to the ark vanishing, and all of them standing alone by a small stream in the American snowy wilderness of Iran.

Buster proclaims that he wants to tell Jed how he really feels. Because everything that happened? It’s shown him the light of things that really matter. That the journal? Was right. The Book of the Witches of Endor? Was right. This event proved all of that. That these things happened, existed. The ark was real. God therefor is real and this has changed his life.

I guess sure why not. But how about we also factor into his religious awakening A SHAAAAAAAARK!!

Yes! The puppet shark attacks! It has absolutely destroyed Buster. Jed is unloading every round she has, but it’s not enough. The devil shark laughs at her and attacks her too. Right in the fucking face. Just attacks her and swims off.

The only fun thing to happen that almost got a full chuckle out of me was the priest shoves Jed from the water to try and save her and she says “It’s the first time in my life I can say a priest saved me”, moments before the shark mauled her face and killed her.

As the not great white but striped CGI tiger shark takes off, our priest is on the ground, dying possibly again. Just him and the camera man left alive now. He tells the camera man to run. To take his videos. Run down the mountain and turn himself over to the first military group he finds, and show the people his findings. But leave all traces of the ark behind.  As the camera man runs and we go to a wide shot of the forest and skyline. The skyline is filled with the visage of our Hot Topics cashier.

It is here in the films final moments. That the priest. Alone on the mountain, is confronted by these spirits and again the ark. He sees the witches of Edan and tells them “Your not really the witches of Edan, are you.” And they reply “We are legion” and the fat follower of Z echoes the same, as does Mr Plaid Shirt guy. All of them. Were the devil. They were all of them lied too and brought there by evil. But the priest is not surprised. He nods bemused and says “I thought so.”

Of course he did. But not the rest of us! For fucks sake!

The movie ends with this epilogue of evil. From the devil, so get ready for it.

The mirror is cracked. There are many facets. Without a sun, there could be no shadow. You cannot know the cold of the night, without first feeling the heat of the day.

To which the priest answers back “I would’ve thrown myself into the void to have defeated you.”

And evil ends with

The willingness to sacrifice, therein lies the difference between you and me. And yet, you must live.

Why?

If you make sense of it, please keep it to yourself, don’t mail it to me. Don’t share it with anyone. Keep it locked away in your heart safe and hold onto it. For you may need that knowledge some day. In iran.

So the film ends not there. But with the priest finding the camera man and convincing him that he needs to leave the camera behind. That no one must know of what they saw. What they did. The people they lost. They must leave this film behind because, evil needs it to be found. For others to come there and find it. So that they may feed off of them. So they must leave and return home. Destroy all evidence of what happened. Which would make sense then to destroy their video and the camera. But fuck it why do that. Your in Iran. Just get back to American soil and call it a day. Get some starbucks and destroy the evil wood and journal. Screw the tape. In the words of Harold and Kumar when standing outside their room realizing they forgot their phone in the room. “We’ve come too far.”, so they leave the camera and film evidence. Which a female evil hand picks up and there you have it. The film doth endeth.

I don’t want to call this a film. I really don’t. It’s not really a film. Or an experience. It’s something of a science project. I almost feel like the movie itself is cursed. Like maybe that’s why it jumps so randomly from one moment and scene to the next. Maybe there is actual film there. But its all coded scrambling spells that weave through our screens into our brains. Infecting us all as we watch the film. Waking us up back to reality at the end of each completed step of our abduction. You laugh but if I record myself. Hell if YOU all record yourselves watching this film. Watch the playback. If the video cuts out suddenly? Or you see shadow figures in the back when played frame by frame? We’ll have our answer.

As for the rest of this. Thing.

The best most honest way to explain it is simply as I had in the beginning. It’s a Polonia brothers film.

To explain a bit more than I had earlier. Back when VHS recording cameras were introduced. It didn’t just mean you could film family memories, weddings, your kids baseball games. It meant you could actually make your own movies. Much like people did with the super 8 camera, and the 6. In fact a lot of early adult erotica was filmed on this. Same with VHS home market recorders. So video stores began getting flooded with people selling them self made films. Mostly horror films. Since horror was popular thanks to films like Halloween and Friday the 13th, film distributors were hungry for films like that. So if you had a camcorder and a dream. You could sell your film. As shitty as it may be.

This was the birth of the Polonia brothers. These guys made no budget films with no skill and very little talent. But they were driven to make these things and they made a lot of them. Most famously in the so bad it’s beyond horrible, was as I mentioned Feeders. About aliens coming to earth. They made the saddest, poorest looking puppets for aliens and figured it’s good enough to work. Then made a film. That they then made sequels too. Because why not.  The internet wasn’t a thing, and you could peddle the worst shit imaginable to any video store and they’d buy it based on how well you sold it, or who you got to distribute it. It’s amazing to think that’s how they did it, and others like them did. But they did. People still to a point do the same.

It just lacks the same charm.

This film had no charm. These guys are still making films and they really shouldn’t. Well okay that’s harsh but no. I applaud them still showing you can make a movie, even without a budget. If you want to make it? Go out and do it. I applaud that.

The same could be said of Charle’s Band films and Full Moon, but those people actually had budgets, and production value. Stories that were pretty good, and even though We’ve come a long way from films like Trancers, Puppet master and Subspecies. To now such things as Gingerdead Man, Killer Bong and Ooga Booga. Well…they still have a fun cheesy appeal to them.

These films do not.

But I can still give them credit for continuing on with their own unique brand and films. I just. Shouldn’t. Because these things are the best visual representation for ‘Waste of my time’.

The film was all over the place at the best of times, and just boring at the worst of times. It gave you what they felt was a solid built backstory for a larger idea. That either they lost along the way, or realized they had no way of filming without making it look like complete parody and schlock. Which believe it or not. Sometimes people like these brothers, respect their work too much to lower it to those poor standards.

I am noticing a lot of these films like to use this shark hand puppet and I love that. I’m actually happy now when I see these shark hand puppets appear and it gives me hope. Even if like this film it’s false hope. It’s still pleasing to see.

I would never in good conscience recommend this film to anyone living or dead. Or the nearly and newly dead. There was an attempt at a story. The early setup of 9 minutes spent telling the journalist story was actually interesting. But ultimately went nowhere and no one, not even the filmmakers cared.

At best these films should be watched by film students as caustionary tales on how to keep focus, maintain story, and proper editing as not to lose your audience.

When your audience is confused, and no one missed any vital scene or dialog. Only to be left further wondering what’s going on. You have a problem. Or in this case. A Polonia film.

And no. It is not worse than Shark huntress. That movie made me angry. This movie was just dull and confusing.

So of course check it out for yourself! Why suffer alone when we can suffer together and get down with the bible!

God bless and until next time. Noah save us all.