SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 5 Avalanche Sharks!!

Day 5 Avalanche Sharks

An avalanche of sharks? A shark of the avalanche? Is it sharks frozen in an avalanche? Are the sharks freed of an ancient cave to wreak havoc on the population of another resort? No. It’s far less fun, and more simpler. But still hilariously fun.

We have another film by the company that brought us our last sharkxploitation film, Toxic Shark. So I suppose will see if they learned anything since that dive into the water. I think it’s safe to tell you that this film is in a lot better hands already in comparison, even though that film was saved once it found its footing. This film has an ace up its sleeve. The director. It’s director is more than familiar with insane shark films. Shark films we will get into this month in fact. Films like Sand Sharks, a few of the Sharknado films as well. He didn’t direct them no. He worked on visual effects, modeling, avatars. The man has had his hands all over filmmaking, and most importantly on a great deal of rip off blockbusters.

So naturally this has me excited. But will it help the film. Well. I think so. To a point. So lets dive on in shall we?

Avalanche Sharks

Tagline: The Snow Will Run Red With Blood

Synopsis: Mammoth Mountain’s annual “Bikini Ski Day” party for spring break takes a horrifying turn when the ghosts of ancient sharks awaken to defend the mountain against tourist and skiers.

This film is 83 minutes of silly fun.

I mean unless the spirits of guardian sharks killing women in bikini’s on top of snow mountains is somehow serious. Which, I guess?

Speaking of snow mountains. This film is based in a very intimately familiar setting. Mammoth Mountain’s is where my family would vacation every so often. Me and my sister grew up visiting a cabin their a few dozen times. Taking hikes, fishing in a boat, bringing friends to go camping with us. Warming up by a fire after playing in the snow. It was honestly a great time and beautiful place that I still miss and stays with me. So this film gets nostalgia points from me, but I will not be jaded in digging into this film. I have expectations, and having actual sharks in an avalanche NOT be in the film? Already knocks it down a peg. But we will let the film speak for itself, as well we should. So the journey begins.

Well rather the snowboarding begins in the movie.

And the first lines spoken give us hope for the film already, as two snowboarders slide up to red tape signaling it is unsafe to sky past this point, one snowboarder states, “Is it wrong signs like this give me a hard on?” It only gets better from here folks.

As moments after this is said. We flash down to the foot of the mountain, and see a ski patrol car as the ski patroller pulls out a device meant to…blow up an area deemed an avalanche hazard.

What it actually ends up doing is desecrating a native American totem site/potential graveyard and sets free the ancient spirits of our avalanche sharks. Who immediately kill the two snowboarders with hard ons for danger skiing, and bring on the best opening credits scene ever. Childrens drawings of sharks killing people on a mountain in the snow. Though I suppose that is a bit unfair. This could’ve been storyboards from the production of the film, and they simply wished to share it with us.

As we fade back in to what’s already shaping up to be a promising experience. We meet two blondes. This film. Is going to have a lot of blondes just an FYI. They are preparing for their spring break bikini ski party. Which still raises many questions from me. Yes these characters are cliches but they’re cliché’s done right! Nothing in this film takes itself seriously and these ladies know what their parts are. The same goes for the men of the film, which we meet one of. A hunk who is somehow the nerd, and a dickweed. We know this because he is rushing one of our blondes already. He has an itinerary for our ladies to follow. It is very precise, strict, and leaves room for only one bathroom break as the most efficient way to get to Mammoth mountain ski resort. He is visibly shaken and ready to pop a roid rage blood vessel at any moment because, ladies be taken their time.

But we learn Becca, the flirty blonde, is okay with this trip and the nerdy dickweed as long as he doesn’t touch her. Though it is pointed out she is dressed pretty scantily and she informs us that “I said he couldn’t touch me, I didn’t say he couldn’t lust after me.” She is a woman of refined culture. Her friend the reasonable blonde, Diana informs us that yes he’s kind of a dork, but he’s the only ride they have as this was all preordained and fated. Or they just got stuck with him as the others in the group have their own ride and neither of these women has a car of their own? Who knows. But we are off with group one for what I am sure is to be a ride where pissing in bottles like truckers will be how things get done.

Meanwhile we are introduced to two more characters, The morning soldier Wade, and the lazy sleeping blonde. We know she’s lazy as she doesn’t leave the bed, even when attempting to locate her boyfriend. I can’t fault her as I prefer staying in a comfy bed, especially when I’m supposed to be packing and getting ready. I also can’t fault her for deciding its time for sex with said boyfriend when you should be packing and getting ready for a long road trip. As she states clearly to him, when your 28 and your girlfriend is 26, you can do other things.  Clearly another woman of refined culture.

But we do get some pieces of story. Her boyfriend is worried because he has a 17 year old brother who already left for the mountain with a troublesome friend. They intent to snowboard the opposite side of the mountain which will get them in trouble if caught, as its an incredibly dangerous area to snowboard. But she ensures him they will be fine, and that teenagers gonna teenage. So they should be fine, and they will all meet up and party like they plan.

But they wont. His little bro was the snowboarder who had a hard on for do not ski past this point signs. So sad times are ahead for Mr. Wade.

Speaking of sad times ahead. It’s time to check in with our nerd crew already headed to the mountain. Local dork and dickweed is driving his blonde companions up to the mountain, and even though hugely behind on time with his itinerary, seems happy with the time spent traveling. Largely do to the fact flirty blonde Becca was sleeping through the trip. But she is awoken from her slumber with a deep need. The need. To pee.

Now this is important so you have to pay attention. Her need to pee is needed here, as it’s going to relieve more of the story in a steady flow for us. I could make more pee jokes but trust me when I say the movie already handles that, and not in a wonderful way. As Becca alerts their driver she needs to pee after slumbering. He tells her they are almost there and no stops will be made. Period! So she informs him either he will stop and let her pee, or she will pee all over his backseat. It’s already a dick move to deny someone the right to pee, but making the joke “How do you know I wouldn’t like that?”, just makes you a special kind of dick. So does he stop for her to pee? HELL NO! He makes a faustian deal with her instead. He informs her if she listens to him tell them both a new story he’s been writing, then he will make an unscheduled stop for peeing. Why does he have to tell us this story? Becca even ask him, and rightfully so. He informs us it’s because he plans to tell these stories to scare women into bed with him. He’s a special kind of stupid. But more importantly?

This is piss blackmail!

But it is needed because we’re about to get a small info dump, of sorts. On just what this movie has in store.

Mammoth Mountain is CURSED! By an evil demon called Skookum. Skookum is a beast that lurks in the mountains feasting off of skiers and snowboarders. He comes from a planer of sharks who’s planet is dying and WHO CARES IT’S SNOWBOARDING TIME BABAAAAAY!!

We interrupt the backstory for some rockin generic guitar riffing as skiers and snowboarders shred the slopes and…and its sudden, odd and funny.

Funny because we are starting to get into the most god awful of all awful ideas. Bikini ski spring break.

Which leads us to two. Yes. Two of the only women celebrating this wonderfully stupid idea of a spring break gimmick as they are wearing leggings and crop tops. Surely they won’t freeze to death. Surely.

We also get to meet our resident sheriff. Who tells these girls to keep it safe. Which one snow bound bikini girl tells him hey, it’s spring break which means anything goes! She declares in defiance while tossing her top at him leaving her in yes, her once warm covered bikini top, exposing more of herself to the elements that will lead to her getting a cold during spring break. If she survives.

The sheriff is past the point of giving a shit however, and continues on his daily routine. Which includes a brief run in with the always evil resort owner, and the always charming run in with his 6 month long girlfriend, reminding him tonight is their 6 month anniversary and according to their ‘kit’ is the perfect day and time to fuck like rabbits on crack. What kit this is, we never know. But it is their six month anniversary. And they’re gonna be banging. So long as he isn’t late. Which he promises, he will not be late for. He might be late.

Speaking of late and women.

We have some killin to get too!

Well not yet, unfortunately. The film is still setting up the pieces for us. Included one of my favorite characters of the film, playing the always fun role in these films. The prophet. The “Your all doomed” guy.

The two snow bunnies from earlier who accosted our sheriff with flinging a top at him, are giddy and giggling loudly in the forest talking about girly stuff and the camera pans following them until it passes the strong back of our prophet and his doggo companion. He’s a dog sled guy and he has a very cute team of puppers for his sled. But we aren’t there yet. Right now we have to listen to him deliver a gross, funny, and confusing line as he watches the two girls giggle through the woods past him, as he informs his dog “If I were a century older, I would give those girls what for.”

A century younger.

A hundred years younger

Give them what for.

I don’t want to imagine.

So our prophet is an ageless wonder, who if ONLY he were 100 years younger, would plow through those women. Thankfully for us he isn’t. However these women are stalked by the ghost shark. Which is every bit hilarious as it sounds. As the girls are wondering off. We see a blue spiritual mist hover and move toward the snow and as it forms into the snow. A blue ghostly fin appears and swims around the water. To which our prophet declares in all certainty. They’re back!

It is, as the prophecy had foretold. But not.

This movie isn’t that heavy on the action just yet. But it is winning in the fun department. It’s following an almost similar path of Toxic Shark where it’s building up to something. Only this time around it knows its characters, The director knows where he’s taking us. And there’s no question about what we’re getting.

I did promise deaths were coming didn’t I?

The movie knew it was time to give us what they teased with the bikini snow bunnies. Which don’t worry. They’ll get it soon enough. For now we turn our attentions to random skiers Ross and Carol. They are cousins. We know this because he has to state it as he jokes about his cousin Carol being horny. She tells him how lucky he should be that she got him invited to a bonfire this evening, and also reminds him how she needs to find a super cute guy. So he promises to announce over a PA system that she’s ready to be taken advantage of and that he is simply her cousin. Not a boyfriend. I have little doubt he is a good wingman. So the two end up chomped to bits by sharks whos hunger rival the horniness of cousin Carol. Right? NO!

We are denied!

It was all for nothing. NOTHING! The movie made us meet these two people, tease with scary music their demise, and nothing. Not one thing happens! Why. Why do you do this?! Why are you building tension and teasing us. This isn’t a blockbuster film, this isn’t a major Hollywood production man! We want sharks eating people. Even if those sharks are ghost sharks!

But alas. The movie is teasing us. It’s building up. For iunno. Something. Was REALLY hopeful for a death by now but no. We must wait.

Again in comparison to the last film. They gave us a few kills to keep us sated and happy. But the characters were limp noodles that siphoned out any hope of something fun early on. So I will give a pass to the film for doing the opposite and giving us characters who aren’t teeth gritting terrors we need to see die, but fun cliches and roles that we don’t mind. Though we will welcome their on screen deaths to the shark spirits. It will be worth it in the end.

But don’t worry, we will begin our shark ghost killing spree. Hopefully.

For now, it’s time to go off to the aforementioned bonfire where Carol hopes to find a cute guy to bang while her cousin is left along by the fire, thankful to have been invited.

Bonfires of course in these films means booze, drunk people, fires, and making out. Though I will hope for no nudity as again this is freezing weather and snow. Bonfires and alcohol can only do so much for the human body temperature.

So we bring our groups together. Wade the soldier boy and lazy blonde Madison,. And Storyteller man with Becca and, well you get it. We’re all here now. Do these people live up to their tropes? Absolutely! Wade is here but not enjoying himself, he still misses his lil bro bro and worries for him, But dickweed assures him that his little brother is likely, and I quote here. Snowboarding by flashlight. Which not only is highly dangerous but impossible. I also will admit that when he said ‘Snowboarding by flashlight’, I swear I thought he said ‘Snowboarding by fleshlight’ and had the most confused expression on my face as to why, and further more why again.

Dickweed is in full party mode to the point they are over doing the “I want to be so cool its painful how hard I’m trying”, which fits him. Unlike muscle meatman Maverick and his gimmick in Toxic Shark. He’s trying to impress the ladies, and let them know he’s DTF. Which does not work, at all. But bless his heart for trying.

But my favorite wtf of the bonfire has to go to foreign girl, she did not arrive with either friend group. She’s a random invite, and she’s fun. She gets the honor of spouting out the somebody wrote it dialog of “Party time! Whoo! Whoo! Dude lights the torch up on the peak by a flame he kept burning since the ’02 olympics! Whoo! Come on!”, I mean…it’s interesting. Yeah. But also. What? It’s also another moment I had to double back and replay with subtitles because her accent unfortunately made it sound like “Dude lights the torch with the pee and its burning!” I swear I’m sober. Honestly. It’s just the ears hear what they hear.

And surely enough there is a ski patrol veteran who is holding a torch, lit by the fire of a torch that has not gone out since the 02 olympics, where he declares “Through the power invested to me, by the great god of the mountain Skookum, I declare Spring Break Week. Officially open!”

Their bonfire, is less of a bonfire and more of a XXL fire. But it works. And did we hear that right? God of the mountain Skookum?! See dickweeds story had truth in it. Skookum like Madman Mars is real. However other people are having trouble with their ears so I don’t feel so bad. Becca is drunk, Drunk and blonde. Super one over the other, I shall let you determine which.

We know this because she heard Dickweed tell his story of Skookum the demon from a dying shark planet in order to give herself permission to pee. The ski patrol vet announced spring break open in the name of the god Skookum. Yet she has to ask dickweed “What did he say? Scrotum?” and she has to be told “Skookum! It’s an Indian legend. Like Sasquatch or Wendigo?” and hse has to ask him, “Are they rappers?” Before anyone can answer her she cheers for spring break, fire and booze. It’s that kinda night, and they are all a special kind of drunk.

So we have partying twenty year olds celebrating. We also have our couple celebrating their 6 month anniversary with a lobster dinner make out and learn our professional blonde is a biologist. Which possibly could come into play at some point and time in the movie. MAYBE!

It’s nice we’re keeping up with everyone and not just slamming them together for the sake of. They got their own lives and they are doing their best to flesh them out past meat for the beast.

This also is one of the more realistic shot on location films I’ve seen in a while. We learn this when one of the bikini skiers leaves the hot tub and immediately steam rises off of her like she’s about to snap her fingers and shout Flame on!, which she sadly does not. But perhaps one day. One day.

So everyone is partying, finding make out partners and or passing out. Ski patrol vet is hitting it off with a relaxed drunk blonde, and the night is going well. Until Wade wonders over and reminds us all his little brother is still not there. Which he should be, because babes and booze. Two things a 17 year old can’t resist. So Wade calls the sheriff during his romantic six month anniversary “Did you know my little brother is missing?!” Sheriff tells him to wait 24 hours then report it, he’s got dinner to eat and lobster too. Feeling like that went well Wade finds the ski patrol vet hitting it off and enjoying his night. So he wonders over and ask him if he knew he had a brother. Because he’s missing!!

Of course that goes as well as you’d imagine when someone interrupts your good vibes and possible later plans with their sad story. So he tells him it’s dark out, maybe he’s here and he hadn’t seen him, or he found his teenage kryptonite of booze and babes. Maybe he questions why a 17 year old would get invited to a party full of people 23 to 30 when he’s a minor and serving him alcohol as well as babes would be a double felony and ruin someones weekend?

Well don’t worry, before all of that can bog down the good times in comes our prophet! Immediately dropping some truth bombs “It was Skookum!” Which if course no one believes or cares about. Because he’s centuries old. As the Ski patrol Vet even tells him “Your old, you look crazy and you freak people out.” Well this gives the prophet an idea that he can use what Ski Patrol calls weaknesses as strengths. So he shouts out for everyones attention and proudly comes out of the closet as a prophet of Skookum, “Hey! Look! There’s no where to hide from Skookum now! They’ve tasted human flesh! I know. I’ve seen it before. They’re gonna keep feeding! And feeding! They’re not gonna stop!” There’s even a record scratch when he calls for everyones attention. He even tosses out the classic prophet line “They’re all gonna die!”.

A fucking record scratch.

I love this movie. Only two people have died, which was hilarious how drawn out it was. But now we have a goddamn record scratch during modern digital music being played at the party. It gets even better. The phophet? His name is Duffy.

Duffy Dufferson.

Fuck me sideways.

Well Ski patrol Vet is handling this as best he can. He calmly talks Duffy out of scaring the 20 year olds, gives him a peck on the cheek and scoots him off to bed for nap naps. He also not so politely tells Wade that, the ski pass they all have says ‘Ski at your own risk’. Not at his. So if his little bro bro did go up the backside of the mountain? He can find his own way home. Because that’s of no concern to him. Naturally wade takes this news well and stomps off like a pouting child. Dude is a buzzkill and needs to learn when it’s party time? You party. Then worry about the safety and well being of human life.

Speaking of. Dickweed and professional panty soaker Ross is chasing after his new love interest Duffy. He ask him if what he said was true, about Skookum. Duffy has no time for nerds and simply tells him “The snow will run red with your blood. You’ll see!” Well Ross is put off by this naturally, and decides to ponder that prophecy from the prophet Duffy. As he soon realizes Duffy meant his blood would run red on the snow. It shakes him to his very core. So much so he realizes he wondered away from the safety of the party and is now alone in the woods. And snow. With GHOST SHARK SKOOKUM! He’s partially aroused at the realization he’s taking part in his own story. But also mostly scared shitless as a frozen blue ice fin pops out of the ground and yes. We can say it. A icy frozen shark leaps from the snowy ground and chomps on some dickweed. Vanishing back into the solid frozen earth below. Leaving behind two bloody stumped feet, and eye goggles with Ross printed on the side. Farewell Dickweed.

So the night ends on a murder, and we can only pray the sheriff enjoyed his meals and anniversary and that the bonfire was a success without Duffy and Dickweed.

Wades girlfriend however had a cold lonely night. Wade was not a warm blanket last night. He was a wet cold blanket of lameness who is still carrying on about his lost dead shark food brother. Hopefully soon he will realize-oh shit no he hasn’t yet. As he now seems intent on reminding Ski Patrol Vet about his brother again. As if he was forgotten.

Is it enough to complain legitimately? No not really. Just fun to point out because he only has two modes. Where is my brother/Are you looking for my brother and I am horny/Sex is a thing we can do. So it’s just an interesting character we can say.

Well our Ski patrol Vet WAS sunning themselves but alas, no sunning will save the mood wrecker that is Wade. But he has a practiced speech all ready for the debby downer. He informs him that he has done the bare minimum required by law and his profession. He made a note for the other ski patrollers to be aware of his bro bro, to keep an eye out and once located to bring him in immediately for booze and babes and to finally shut his older brother up. Well this isn’t enough for Wade. He’s a man of action and he demands action! But nothing happens. He just warns our vet that if his lil bro isn’t found or worse. Something happens. He’ll be looking for him.

We may ponder, does Ski Patrol Vet just not care? Or is it possible. Even remotely. That the reason he doesn’t care to look for his bro bro and bro bro’s friend, is because he was the one we saw earlier in the film launching the avalanche grenade into the backside of the mountain, which also free’d the Skookum shark demon..god thing? I mean it is possible. But moments after he has to declare to us how he hates but loves spring break because it means lots of hotties, and they all love a man in uniform. Which….his uniform consist of either a red jacket with a cross while wearing his bronze medal around his neck. Or wondering around without a jacket in a sleeveless shirt with his medal around his neck. Whatever works for you.

Even the sheriff can’t escape going to a bar to drink away the rancid aroma of sex breath from his mouth with a shot of jack, without hearing from someone about missing people. On top of bro bro and bro bro’s friend. We also have Ross the dickweed to deal with missing too now. So even the sheriff can’t believe his luck. But none of this. NONE of this matters as much as what we are coming into now. Which is new age racism. It used to be acceptable humor back in the day for a man to make what they call ‘chinese face’ and talk in a very very racist tone making super bad jokes. Then it became acceptable to instead of having someone play that race. To just simply hire someone of that race and have them do a super racist accent and play a caricature of that race.

Now, it’s having someone of a chosen ethnicity playing the dumbest version of that, with a huge smile and the “I don’t. Speak English. Well.” Type. Which we get now because it’ll setup a joke and pay off later. Bet on it! We get to meet a new international skier visiting for spring break. Hiro, who is picked up on by the owner of this bikini establishment. When she tells him she ‘no speak English well’ and smiles. He talks very slowly and loudly to her, that she “Will need ski equipment while she is here yes? She hands him a card. It gives him a massive boner when he realizes it’s a high roller credit card and immediately declares ‘You rent ski’s yeah? You rent…expensive ski’s yeah? Good yeah.” As she doesn’t understand a word he’s saying she just smiles even brighter and nods faster as the white man speaks and proceeds to rip her off for all she’s worth. Because it’s funny! Get it?! It’s really not…

ANYWAYThe hunt continues for lil bro bro. Who Wade and his girlfriend shout out for. Well correction. It’s either his brother who answers to the name Shredder, or they’re actively challenging the leader of the notorious foot clan.

So that’s their daily agenda.

Meanwhile we have 3 snow bunnies in the hot tub partying with one lucky man, when our blonde from the bar earlier who was asking for help in locating dear friend Ross shows up, asking if they’d seen or heard from him. So naturally the man decides he’ll go ahead and exit the spa filled with three drunk ladies because. As he explains to his brunette friend who ask why he’s leaving them. “Because, I’m playing the friend card. If I help her and we find Ross, she’ll be ready for boarding” to which he waggles his brows at her and takes off to assist the blonde in locating the dead pair of feet known as Ross.

We also have another duo out and about. They are the marital couple of Mike and barb. I call them marital because the bliss between these two is palpable. She’s out in pink leopard print yoga pants and sky boots with a barely covering her tits shirt and sleeveless vest with pink fluffy ear warmers, trudging through the wilderness of hardly any snow present what so ever and likely rather warm weather as you see no steam from her mouth at any time. Enjoying the trip out with her better half as they did this to work on their relationship. Bond and grow closer while being on vacation. Which means hiking and exploring. Getting off your ass and doing stuff because all you do is spend your time in the house. So live a little.

While her better half is dressed in a wind breaker and slacks. Complaining openly about hating the wilderness, Only enjoying ski jumping on Xbox, and wishing they were home getting high and having sex. Because that’s what he enjoys best in their relationship. Is sitting on the couch, playing games. Getting high and having sex. Clearly these two are in the same league and destined to be the romance of our age.

He wants to relax and catch his breath as he’s out of it, out of shape and not meant for this kind of activity, unless he’s high. Because weed is magic like that. Apparently.

So she decides he needs proper motivation. Which means yes. Unzipping her top and hugging her breast together taunting the man gasping for breath, “If you keep up with me, I’ll give you a sex treat.”

I am turning 42 this coming May. Which is next month scarily enough. In those years I have been dating and in relationships since my early teens. I have never once heard of a sex treat. I know not of what she speaks or that implies. Is it a candy? A handy? A blowy? Is it a flash? Is it regular boring sex that you just make sound interesting so we feel we’re getting something super special? What is it?! WHAT IS IT?!!!

If I’m out in the woods, its freezing cold out, I’m miserable, out of breath, out of shape. Gasping just for one breath where it doesn’t feel like the winter winds are choking the air out of my lungs because I dared to inhale, and my partner offers me a sex treat if I keep up with their running sprint to wherever the hell it is we’re going? It better be more than just a cold hand handy, A dry mouth blowy, or uncomfortable do it on the frozen ground with rocks pine needles insects and animal piss. It better be a religious world shattering change my view on life experience treat. It’s like saying you’ll give me a cookie if I take the trash out for you. Well what kinda cookie are we talking? We talking your moms homemade recipe cookie or Nestle. This shit matters. It really does.

But anyway.

Barb bounces off down the path and Mike contemplates sex treats as he huffs and follows closely behind her. Even HE ask what kind of sex treat. Does he get his sexual treat?

Not really. He gets hit with reality. Which can sometimes suck.

Here is the reality. She promised her nagging annoying boyfriend a sex treat if he finished the hike through the trail to the beautiful mammoth lake and mountain scape. It really is something to see. She knew his mind, and knew the promise of some kind of sex, the promise of any attention what so over to his ding dong would motivate him to STFU and do the simple task she asked of him, so they could enjoy a moment and she be happy they did something she wanted. Does she have to fullfill that promise? No. She could add “I meant a sex treat back at the cabin, rawr.” Or somewhere a great deal more private. At any rate. It got him there. So now he demands satisfaction in the form of the promised sex treat. She tell shim we can do it when we get back, so he pleads why not here, in the open.  She is taken back by his suggestion at outdoor sex and ask him to clarify his position on this request.

A protip for those dating. When you think you’ll surprise your partner by being spontaneous or adventurous, and their response is to first question your offer, then ask you to clarify it? Do not continue driving down that road. Admit you missed the turn lane, make a legal U turn and turn around.

He does not. He instead brings up words she said to him earlier in the relationship, the classic “You’re the one who said we should try new things.”, This doesn’t always mean doggy style or her on top. It also doesn’t mean going up the backside of the mountain, or petting a lion at the zoo. It usually means being romantic and passionate. Or putting the toilet lid down for a change you fucking animal.

Well she reacts in kind asking him why it is everytime a woman says that, guys think they mean different sex positions, or butt stuff.

So this awkward moment turns into a dreadful relationship moment. Which brings to light my earlier suggested protip. As he won’t let the sex thing go, and didn’t understand what she meant by new things. She has to ask him the ‘there is only one correct answer’ questions. “Do you love me?” He doesn’t say yes, he doesn’t say know. He doesn’t say I love you when you blow me, thankfully. He says “of course I do”, so she prompts him to say it.

I know this is a movie about Skookum the shark demon killing people but we’re having this discussion about relationships its important. You’ll thank me 5 years or 10 days from now.

When your partner and you are having some trouble, and working on things. They will try to ask you certain things. They aren’t trick questions. They aren’t demands. They’re gentle nudges for you to show you care, and that you are invested in this relationship as much as you are invested in them. Sex is a part of relationships yes. But you can’t build a foundation on it. And it won’t pay the bills unless you have a successful OnlyFans or Pornhub channel. So When your partner ask you very kindly, do you love them. You don’t just say of course, or yes. You hold their hands smile and say Yes I do. I love you. You can even add a chefs kiss to it by tacking on that you’ve always loved them or the real cherry on top You know this trip means a lot to them and it does you as well, and you really do want to work on things because they’re worth it to you and they’re important to you. This will get you very far, and win you a fair amount of good boy points to get yourself something nice from the prize counter later.

So does Mike tell her I love you when she ask? OF COURSE NOT! He does the bad relationship thing. He doesn’t say the words. He ask her “How did we get here?” He’s questioning her thought process when all she wanted was some kind of reassurance from him that she mattered more to him than taking care of his dick. So naturally and rightfully she takes off. He calls after her and finally follows. Also following them is Skookum. Because Skookum even knows that was a bad call bro. Mike is able to stop barb from leaving and she tells him very plainly and again rightfully that she wants to know why she should waste another year of her life with someone who can’t even tell her that she matters to him, that makes her feel she has only has one use for him and this isn’t where she wants to be in her life, let alone someone she wants to be with. She gives him what we call in relationship arguing a safety line. She tells him “Do you have anything to say?”, which again when offered. You are being given this as your chance to correct the situation and stop the issuance of final judgement. Aka, this is not the time to be silent. Well Mike decides to go with silent. So she sadly and with a heavy heart declares they are threw. He will never see her again.

Then enters into the picture through the frozen ground Mr. Steal yo girl himself, Skookum. Yup, he interrupts our lovers fight and chomps half of her body down. Leaving her torso on the ground. Mike watches wide eyed and full of terror as she reaches out to him gurgling his name and still he says nothing. Skookum returns to catch her on the rebound and she is gone. Goodbye Barb, and oh hi Mike.

Well we could use a little pick-me-up after that I think. So bring on oooooool Duffy!

I love this man, in the mostly manliest of ways a man can.

He’s got a full life, between warning people of their impending doom, and traveling around on his sled with his doggos. He ain’t looking for trouble. Just looking to survive another century as a highlander of Mammoth mountain. But low and behold our dearly beloved prophet has crossed the path of the mighty shark demon god! And in the literal blink of an eye because they don’t want to piss off anyone. His lead sled dog Luna is gone! All that remains is a sad doggo blood stain on the ice.

He cries out to the old gods and the new and sheds a tear for the beautiful snow dog Luna. Heaven just gained a good doggo. So he’s patrolling the ski lift and ski lodge pulling double duty on his creepy old man prophet routine and informing all the families vacationing there that they’re all gonna die. Rivers will run red with their blood, and there’s no god anymore in this world. So while missing people won’t get Ski patrol off their ass, this will and he is immediately taken to the sheriff to be held in a cell.

The sheriff doesn’t get why he has to do it, but he does. I mean it is sort of his job but Duffy wasn’t doing anything really bad. Just a public service. But he books him anyway and files a report. “Whats your name?” he ask with tired remorse, and Duffy, with both hands on his knees proudly states, “Duffy…Duffy Dufferin. They’re all gonna be shredded to bits!”, The sheriff can’t deal with this but proceeds and ask Duffy Dufferin his date of birth. To which Duffy sighs audible and shakes his head at the sheriff. End scene.

This man needed his own movie. But the sheriff is kind to Duffy. He tells him he won’t book him, but he can’t have him going around scaring people. Luckily though a friendly face joins these two men at the station. It’s biologist girlfriend coming to drop off lunch for the sheriff. Informing him its leftovers from their dinner last night. To which the sheriff proudly states to her “Oh? I thought I ate everything in sight” Giving her a knowing look, and she grins giving him a knowing look, and Duffy watches with a confused knowing look while asking Elly if she saw Skookum. Which. She may have!

When Duffy tells her about Skookum being back. She immediately forgets about having her ass eaten the previous sexy night, and begins telling the sheriff to pull a specific file out of the cabinet and open it. The file is filled with….the child drawing we saw during the credits! SHE was the child artist! Her family was attacked 25 years ago in the woods by Skookum and by some miracle she survived. A miracle by the saintly name of Duffy Dufferin! Yes. Our prophet and his sled dogs found her and dragged her onto his sled leading her to safety. Since that day so long ago she has studied skookum and sharks. It lead her to her career in biology, becoming the best biologist and trying to explain how this thing could exist. It’s what’s kept her here in these woods!

So now we get the big fat backstory we were sorely needing. The legend, the native American tale of Skookum.

The legend goes, that a white shark swam up a river into an alpine lake caused by a great spirit. Skookum. They swim through the snow like sharks do in water. And duffy ads to this “And they love people meat”.

That’s our beefy backstory in all its glory.

Well now the sheriff has a quest. Take his love and investigate Alpine Lake. So those two have a quest, and they are leaving Duffy alone in the sheriffs office. With all the weapons.

What of Mike and Wade and Wade’s girlfriend? Well those three are in the woods marching back to safety. Mike is lamenting the loss of Barb. How he should have told her he loved her. Asking why he couldn’t have told her he loved her. What it would have meant for her. That it could have saved her. Wade thankfully holds back with full restraint his wish to ask Mike if he had seen his brother at all. But Mike soon drops to his knees. He is full on lamenting now. But its cut short by the site of not one. But two skookum sharks of alpine lake!. Yes there’s two of them!. Wade and his girlfriend begin running for safety while Mike has decided he is staying. Not for suicidal reasons. But because he has uncovered the truth of it. Love is what matters. Love can solve this. The sharks are there because he didn’t get to tell Barb he loves her. So he shouts off to Wade and his girlfriend I love you both! And shouts to the heavens “I love you barb!” and…….the shark fins circling him vanish. Love has saved him! He loves everyone! He loves life as much as he loves Barb and his parents, Even his job! Hell he’s even giving up smoking pot! Because love. Love is the answer!

OF VOURSE IT’S NOT!

YES HE GET’S DEVOURED!!

And so ends the life and trials of Mike

But on the upside of things. Wade has finally met up with the Sheriff! Sheriff and Super Biologist arrive to save the kids from Skookum We now have all our groups together to discuss Skookum and what to do.

This discussion naturally goes wrong. On the one hand. We have our party of people looking for those who were eaten. This party believes they need to gather up and hunt down the Skookum Sharks of Alpine lake. On the other side of the discussion. We have the evil mayor who wants to keep the resort open. We have the evil resort owner who wants to keep the resort open, and finally Ski Patrol Vet who wants to work on his snow tan.

Of course the evil guys win the discussion. Mayor Evil decides to swear in Ski Patrol Vet as the new sheriff. Resort owner is down with this plan as this is indeed the best snow they’ve had in over 20 years and he’s not about to cancel the most successful Bikini spring break on Mammoth Mountain Ski Resort.

Which just for the record? There have been a grand total of 4 bikinis. This is the most successful Bikini Spring break ever.

So now that new sheriff Ski Patrol Vet is taking over, our heroes are left weaponless, powerless and without the enforcement of the law behind them. Which means. They’re gonna have to go. Above the law.

But enough of that story in our shark movie. It’s time for murder! Murder in the shape of random babe hookup. We are introduced to another brunette. I say that jokingly because good god damn does this movie love blondes, to a point that’s why I stopped trying to give names to some of these people because there’s just so many of them to a point the bleached blends in with the blondes.

At any rate we have Miss Brunette change of pace on a snow mobile with two hunks. She commands they pull over and let her pee. Which she never actually gets too. As the two men begin discussing who’s going to take her out, and who she’s really interested in. This amuses her enough to prompt her not peeing and telling these two men that they shall race for her affections. The first one back gets to date her and claim their prize. She states while running her hands over her breast. Well as you can guess it once they take off she likely popped a squat and farted while peeing in the snow thankful they were gone and couldn’t hear it. Sadly for these two men one of them ends up shark food and doesn’t make the race. While the other is triumphant and returns to a relieved much more comfortable brunette. Declaring it is now time for him to claim his prize. So she removes her jacket and is ready for sex treats. However unfortunately her leg gets chomped on by a shark. Which then devours her whole, and then decides to bring a snack along for brother shark and swallows the man as well.

This movie is an hour into it, we got 20 minutes left. They are amping up the kills they denied us earlier. This movie is on track for being a good movie. Possible. We’re not out of the woods just yet.

Remember the girl who can’t speak English that the evil resort owner ripped off? Well she’s on the ski lift and she’s found a truly down on his luck dumb friend. So dumb he doesn’t at first understand when she says “I know English” that she means, she understands some English. He takes it as her literally telling him she speaks English as he does and oh you mean you ‘know’. It’s sad. Made even worse when he tries to think what they can talk about and he laments “Well I like sushi, and green tea, I guess we could talk about that.” He realizes what he said could be taken as being possibly bad and tries to correct himself but then decides he already crashed and burned so. Why poke smoldering wreckage. Leaving a very confused still smiling woman staring forward wondering what the hells wrong with this man.

Well he decides why not try to discuss with her skiing. He tries to impress her with his skiing knowledge and skill at being the best at skiing. Because this will only do well for him. He then tries to ask her if she likes skiing and wants to ski with him. Which brings part of the early mentioned pay off with setting up a horrible character like this for one singular joke. When asked if she would like to ski. She points forward and says “Me…like backside. Extreme.” He could’ve taken this as she wants to ski the extreme and ski down the backside of the mountain. Which is forbidden. He could’ve saved her life. But instead he takes it in the very literal sense as. She is a backdoor beauty who is into extreme anal. Which makes him hugely uncomfortable.

Speaking of uncomfortable white people. Wade and his girlfriend find the only three people who stayed consistently in party mode during this whole ordeal. Three of the four women wearing bikinis and partying in the hot tub, drunking. They scream at them about the sharks coming and the need to escape. But no one believes them. However, the brunette does. She recalls the girl who took the guy she was going to hook up with earlier to go find a missing person. So this adds up for her, and she deduces that she should possibly listen to these people warning about impending danger. So she leaves. Just in time no less as Wade notices from the mountain top a blue ice mist traveling down the mountainside like a…not avalanche but sharkalanche if you will. A skookalanche.

Well the blonde and her bikini buddy don’t see any danger. When they see the blue skookalanche they declare it to be cool and the most awesome thing ever. So they continue partying. Until the sharks come up from the water in the hot tub and eat them whole. Goodbye Bikini Spring Break.

Well this is the start of bad things. Our Asian friend who is into extreme backside, has made it to the top of the mountain and is ready to begin her skiing adventure. As she begins her descent down the mountain and likely ascent into history. She triggers an actual factual Avalanche. Ending the lives of countless rich white people below. Bottom line is we’re all screwed now.

Starting with skiers being eaten freely by the sharks. Even our new Ski Patrol veteran falls victim to attack. But he’s not dead. He’s just severely injured. Like internally and near death.

This is the finale of the film we’re approaching and it gets fucking fantastic.

We have everyone recovering from the avalanche. Pulling themselves from the snow. However we lose poor semi smart bikini girl. Only her breast and torso could make it out of the snow. The rest well. She swims with the sharks and parties in heaven’s hot tub now.

We have the real true blue Sheriff Adam out there shooting at sharks, trying to save ski patrol meatbag. Unfortunately Adam the sheriff too finds himself a victim of the sharks. Further adding to the trauma of his girlfriend and ending any chance of a seven month anniversary.

The survivors make their way into the now under snow sheriffs office. Trying to formulate a plan of escape. All while ignoring the Ski Patrol Vets cries for help. But one soul isn’t ignoring anything anymore.

To our rescue, and into our hearts. Packing a shotgun and vengeance for his now dead sled dog team. We have Duffy Dufferin. Firing off shots for each of his dead dogs into the ghost ice sharks. Until he runs out of ammo and turns melee mode on. Does he win? No of course not. How the hell do you kill a ghost shark that takes the form of ice shark to kill?

The shark takes hold of Duffy underneath him but the Duffer isn’t out of this one yet! He’s ready for a full blown slobberknocker! He’s stabbing at that shark with all he’s got in him. So Wade runs out and decides to try and save Ski Patrol Vet. Because why not. It’s the first time he’s cared about anyone other than his lost bro bro. It’s a funny as hell moment because you have Ski Patrol Vet thanking Wade for saving him, admitting he’d likely think to do the same for Wade but not really. Meanwhile you have Duffy shouting for Wade to shoot him. He doesn’t want the shark to eat him. He wants to go down shot by a man! But Wade won’t do it, he’s no crazy bastard like Duffy! But Duffy says he’d do it for him. So Wade decides alright good enough for me. Even Ski Patrol Vet tells him to do it, that he’d do the same to Wade and ask him to do the same for him. So Wade shoots Duffy, blowing his head off in glorious CGI. Prompting Ski Patrol Vet immediately to tell Wade “Shit man I was just joking, your like a brother to me don’t shoot me like you did him.” It’s sad we lost Duffy. But he went out on top and his doggos are waiting for him.

As the sharks become aware of Wade they chase him off and he is unable to save Ski patrol Vet. He’s gotta focus on getting his girlfriend and new blonde friend safe. So he helps them rush out of the police station and to a nearby truck. But as they do Wade is met with a shark breaking through the glass and ready to swallow him!

But something else is happening on the backside of the mountain. Our Asian traveler has skied where very few people have skied before and stumbled upon. Of all things. The broken totems of Skookum that protected these lands for over 20 years! She notices these weird totems are no longer standing so she decides to stand them back up.

This is a fun editing moment the film has given us. Since the sheriffs station is under snow now thanks to the avalanche. All we have is a rooftop half uncovered, and a small  opening in the snow they can crawl in and out of. It’s very obviously a prop as you can tell when an actress is inside calling for the others to join her. She’s laying ontop of the ice with the root laid ontop of her. This is an important thing to note. Because we see her and the other girl escape through the small opening and run for the truck moments before we see Wade about to be swallowed. BUT Since Asian woman stood up one of the totems. It brought back and put to rest the spirit of the shark about to eat Wade! So he’s alive.

But the way the movie shows this is great. One minute Wade is devoured and glass is shattered. The next the girls are outside debating saving Ski Patrol Vet when suddenly blonde girlfriend says WADE! And the camera cuts to Wade laying on the snow next to the too small for him to crawl out from under hole in the snow under the rooftop prop. So instead of having him crawl out and looking like he hulked out and lifted the roof off. They just plant him neatly beside it. It’s great and a fun moment of wtf how’d he get out.

But more importantly, the lady established only for an anal joke is actually our big savior! She’s at her own pace, replacing the once standing totem poles. However it’s not done quick enough to save another blonde from dying. We have now lost Ross’s friend. This movie both loves and hates blondes. Which is a trope its own in horror films. If you’re blonde in a horror film. You’re either a bitch, a slut, or about to die. So Wade’s girlfriend better count her blessings.

Another great moment comes when our survivors are noticing the sharks vanishing and begin hoping this means it’s all over. But here comes a shark FINALLY for Ski Patrol Vet! It’s got him in its jaws and it takes off for the nearby truck the two girls are nestled happily in while calling out for Wade to join them. Then we cut back to our Asian savior and she is. Taking a break and eating a Kind bar. That’s why the sharks are still a threat. She needed an energy boost. But Just as we’re about to finally say goodbye to the laziest Ski patrol man to exist, and shortest term Sheriff. She fixes one more totem and the shark vanishes. Leaving him to declare this spring break sucks and he hurts all over.

Remember the last movie picking up near the end in both action and suddenly some comedy? This is doing the same. But it works. Better. Because it established its comedy much earlier on. And we’re at the finale here so you gotta go big on all ends. Especially the backend Ha HAAAA I’m sorry.

So here comes the great exchange worth repeating, because I love writing dialog like this and it’s even better seeing it play out in films.

Wade: It’s finally over.

SkiVet: No, it’s not over let’s rescue me and get the hell out of here. All of us, including me.

Wade: Maybe he’s right

SkiVet: Of course I’m right. I’m as right as rain let’s goooo

Karla: I bet my life on it, I think it’s gone.

SkiVet: Oh swell, but not my life, now let’s go

WadeGF: We have to go back, get our stuff.

SkiVet Who needs stuff? We don’t need stuff. I’ll buy you stuff

Seriously I don’t know who decided on that but goddamn man. Its hilarious and a good send off to our Ski Patrol Vet as yes. Yes indeed. He is eaten. Just as our lady friend sets in the last totem. So the shark vanishes into blue must as Ski patrol Vet leaves a classy blood stain on the side of the truck.

What’s also funny about all this. A very subtle thing was done with our Asian savior. If you look at her very cute outfit. It includes special gloves. Killer whale gloves. Killer whales are one of the few foes white sharks have and they will fight and kill them. So it’s rather fun and fitting. In a nerdy way. Yes I’m a shark nerd, bite me.

So with two minutes left to go, our trio escape in the truck. Scared, bloody and now dealing with PTSD. Karla at peace with her childhood trauma, now dealing with the fresh trauma of sheriff boyfriend being eaten in front of her. Wades girlfriend happy to see two blondes survived this encounter with ghost sharks, and Wade happy things ended for everyone and likely still wanting to search for his brother.

So as the three take off down the road to whatever the future may hold. We are greeted to a shot of the mountain and back to the totem poles. Where yes of course. One pole falls down and of course an ice shark appears.

The End

This film was something special. It wasn’t a low budget film that embraced itself. But it was a shark film that embraced its genre and the wackiness of horror cheese. From Duffy the prophet, to the evil lodge owner and stupid excuse for possible female nudity. Right up to the nerd with the true story of what happened and ancient spirits.

It’s fun to play around with the genre like that but still be respectful enough to it that your not making a full on parody in the name of stupidness. The characters aren’t exactly top quality. But they are played out well and given a realness to them that makes it easy to buy them in their roles.

You see it in a lot of schlock and super low budget films where you have acting school actors trying to make more than there is of their role and failing. The actor trying to play a part for laughs but coming off annoyingly goofy taking you out of what your watching. And then the older stage actor who well. Is looked up to by the younger actors as being experienced, but really has no clue what they’re doing other than earning a paycheck and trying to emote for a smaller stage. Sometimes it works, mostly it doesn’t. But you do get performances like this where they give it enough respect they take the roles seriously and don’t go beyond the part given. They aren’t hamming it up, unless your Duffy and meant too. You still KNOW they’re going to die, but at least you’ll get an audible ‘Aww’ from the drunk and or stoned people watching this at 2am. Which you want, because then they’re more likely to rent it from red box again for friends, or dare I say it, purchase the film. But more importantly. Give it that good ol 4 star out of 5 review.

It's funny but that’s like a gold standard for low budget. When your movie has fewer than 500 reviews and you get a 4 our of 5. You know it’s quality. 3 out of 5 and you’ll have a couple chuckles. 2 out of 5 and its your life choice.

The movie was great. It didn’t bother with generic music. It had production value. It used stock footage well. Music was fun even if the song at the end I believe was a Russian pop song. I could be wrong but it was kind of an odd choice to go with. But still a fun song.

Genuinely no complaints what so ever about the film. Hell there wasn’t even any nudity in it and you still don’t mind it. Granted it would have WIDELY felt out of place given the extreme cold. But I’m glad they stuck to their guns and still went with the insanely stupid idea of a bikini spring break at a ski lodge. The movie will not fail to entertain you in any way. I had a blast with it and will likely watch it again. Because it’s just that fun and dumb. The good kind of dumb you can enjoy and not feel like you have to justify your choices to the person you made watch this with you.

So until next time. Please visit Mammoth lake it really is very beautiful, as is their ski resort. But just stay away from native American totems. Also stay off the backside. It’s off limits and a bit extreme.