SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 28 Red Water

Day 28 Red Water

We have entered the final three. I am sincerely hoping they will be worthy of finishing out this 30 day monstrosity. Which is funny but sad to say, I’ve done two months of Halloween and not had an issue what so ever with doing them, god it might even be 3 I’ve done. They’ve all had fun themes too. But this one has been a learning experience for sure. Think that might add onto why. Before all this I was really somewhat picky about shark movies. I preferred ones that met a certain standard or didn’t look like a waste of time. In the sense that, you can watch low budget if your in the mood for it and you know what you’ll get, versus the “I want to watch a shark movie, but not something with actors from an acting class”, it sounds bad I know but I just like to limit some of my bad taste films after a life time of it. That way it feels special. And so far with these films I have found some true masterpieces, I’ve made friends along the way that share a passion for shark films and  I love that.

I have also discovered cinema that no one should ever watch. In fact I still debate burying one of those films in the backyard and setting fire to it just to make sure it stays forgotten. But lets not. For now.

For now is the time of another national treasure, and another actor I will refuse to use the character name for. Because he demands our attention, respect, and our love.

Ladies hold onto your hearts. Gentleman remove your hats and steady your spirits.

This film we watch tonight, stars Lou Diamond Phillips.

I respect this man, and his legend. Because he also starred in a very bad late 90’s movie I used to rent a lot, called BATS.

It was so bad, and so good. Killer bats terrorizing a town. Made in that awkward time for horror in the 90’s.  Trust me it was not a genre to be a fan of unless you enjoyed horrible music and deaths with heavy editing, but enough about that.

We are here to discuss Red Water, sharks, and Lou Diamond Phillips. So lets dive on in to the first in our final three.

Red Water

Tagline: Fear Strikes Where You Least Expect it

Synopsis: A group of oil workers being held hostage by a group of gangsters on a small oil rig are attacked by a freshwater bull shark.

Well that doesn’t leave much to the imagination does it. But that’ll do, that will do.

Well hold on to your hats. We’re headed to the best fishing hole in all the land, black cove. It’s a gran pappy and lil buckaroo out fishing together. He’s hyping this spot up to his grandkid and how amazing these fish will be. They’ll blow your ass right out at the pure size of them. They aren’t just normal sized fish they are straight up nightmare sized creatures of the deep!

Unfortunately grandpa hasn’t been out there in ages, because if he had been he would know they build an oil rig out there. Destroying the land and his fishing hole. So tough tits for his lil fishing buddy, they’ll need to go elsewhere for their fishing.

Why an oil rig is comically jammed into this tiny place? Only a wealthy oil baron in a big Texas hat knows.

But what we the audience are privy to, is that this station is doing some deep drilling, and using explosives to help loosen up the soil and rocks below.. Which works really well. Too well in fact. As we’ve seen and learned many countless times before with other films, Once you blow shit up for the sake of money and drilling. You always awaken something evil. In this case they apparently free a Bull shark.

No ancient bull shark. No mutant bull shark or even prehistoric one. Just a random Bull Shark that is now able to swim and enjoy life without restriction. We will change that. Because that’s too boring.

His name is Billy the Shark. Billy was a wild outlaw shark that went around causing fights with other sharks. Robbing fish bars, fish trains and fighting octopus…just for something to do. He was so badass that Billy the Bull Shark was put in shark prison. Where he learned to play the harmonica, and gained the fear of all the guards, and respect of the great whites. Well that all comes crashing down once the ignorant humans go launching explosives and inadvertently blow open Billy the Bull Sharks cage.  So with a roar and a Yeehaw, Billy is now free.

That’s better.

So lets talk about better things. Lets talk about BBQ’s, swimming, fishing and generic Taylor Swift music. That’s right! Montage of summer fun time!

We got it all. We got old men fishing in the same lake that people are swimming, because what’s a little metal hook in someones skin. We got families grilling and moms wrangling their kids. Hot beach babes in bikinis and small down fun and charm.

Until Ol’ Billy the Sharks fin pops up in the water.

He’s taking in the sights and the sounds, seeing what the free world has become since he’s been locked up.  Low and behold he’s about to get himself a snack it would seem. As two girls decide to be royal assholes to anyone with a boat. A car pulls up right along a boat launch area. Two women slide out in their bikinis and race to the water. Declaring last one to a point buys drinks. Billy has his pick of the litter it seems. These two friends swim out, ignoring anyone who would tell them to park their car in the parking lot and swim to their destination,  a little island raft. Once they banter and laugh heartily to one another about who’s lame and who will buy the drinks. It’s shark time.

One of the girls notices the shark fin and screams out, No one seems to care, and her friend who is receiving this screaming right in her face. Is a bit taken back by it and suddenly realizes when her friend is screaming Shark and pissing herself. It means there is a shark and she should worry.

Which she does!

The two take off at high speed for the nearby raft. Only to find one of them is better and swimming and climbing. While the other blonder friend. Is not so lucky. She is being pulled under by Billy the Bull Shark and he has himself his first meal as a free shark.

Blood fills the water and screams follow. But no one cares when its two women who don’t know the difference between a PARKING SPOT! And a BOAT LAUNCH!!

Anyway, the kill gives us an idea what we’re in store for here and it looks like it’s going to be a bit higher caliber than we’ve been used to. This was the late 90’s which means go practical or go home. CGI was still being fidgety and not everything had the quality of Jurassic Park. Unfortunately.

Want a good example, watch Carnisaur.

There’s a pretty good fake fin for the shark, and I have a strong feeling anything we see of the shark is going to be stock film, this doesn’t have the feeling of CGI but, you never know. There is blood, and it’s used appropriately. Well decently we should say. They aren’t going overboard so. Good on them.

But who cares!! We got our hero of the film and a man hiding hills and valleys in his eyes. Yes, we are introduced to Sir Lou Diamond Phillips. He’s a boat man, who runs a boat business. Charter boat business that is. People say they are paying for his tours and fishing spots. But truth is they are paying to be in his company. We all know it is true.

Well life isn’t all its cracked up to be for Lou Diamond Phillips the boat captain. He owes money to the bank. Because business is a little slow. So he’s off to talk with the big bank and a pretty bank lady about his boat and bank issues. Mostly the issue of money. Which the problem with money is, he doesn’t have it.

Which causes problems with the bank and that means problems for Lou. So for the film it means the bank plan to take his boat from him if he can’t make payment and soon!.

So we can see where this might be heading.

What we don’t see coming, is the oddest introduction of two characters simultaneously.

We cut from Lou, to a woman in a black bikini the camera decides it should linger on as she slowly gets into a swimming pool and swims across. As she breaches the water, we but suddenly to discount Paul Walker, also breaching out of the water. But more specifically out of the ocean. Then back to the raven haired lady as she surfaces and crosses her arms at the pools edge. As she surfaces fully and does so. Discount Paul Walker also does so. Holding a dead baby shark in hand.

It's artistic and completely unneeded. It’s also just weird.

So These two human beings are about to cross paths as Value Village Paul Walker walks onto the scene of a very large fancy private home, and to his side is the raven haired lady. Who seems to be a love interest of his. Or at least for the moment. He’s got business to tend to you see. A business meeting with a drug man. Wanting to do drug stuff. Discount Paul is named Brett. He’s an expert dive person. He’s here to talk about a deal with Mr Drugman. Who’s telling him about a man that owes him a great sum of money. However this man has been bragging about some hidden treasure. The hidden treasure is money that he dumped over the side of the boat during a drug deal. So Drug man is wanting Brett to retrieve the money. They just need to question Jerry and find the money. But Drug man is not very trusting, as drug people tend not to be. So he’s going to send Brett off with his number one cousin.

Our special guest appearance actor, Coolio.

That’s right! We got Coolio in this. And he’s playing a hard gangster type. He’s going to help Brett get this money back for their boss, and then kill Jerry. As for Brett though? He’s fine, they have no bad business with him.

Looks like our story is shaping up and moving along nicely.

Which means its time for a shark visit from Billy the Bull Shark yeah? Oooh yeah.

Well Billy the Bull Shark is curious about his new home. He also finds himself curious about a boat with a grandpa fishing on it with his grand son.

Yep. The movie didn’t forget about these two.

So grandpa is still complaining about fishing not being what it used to be and mumbling about simpler times. Boring his grand son who just wanted to catch fish, not hear racist old man rants and smell rancid farts.

Well fortunately Billy the Bull Shark is not a fan of these things either. He knocks at the boat and down goes grandpa. Not too soon after, Grandpa is bitten, chomped down and screaming blood into the water right in front of his grandson.

Was not expecting that! But here we are, and That’s all Billy the Bull Shark cares to do. He solved the problem and moves on. Leaving this poor kid traumatized and in a boat all alone.

That is until the very next scene where the boat washes up directly beside Lou Diamond Phillips boat, prompting him to contact the authorities when he finds a kid shaking and covered in piss in that boat.

Of course he’s concerned, he’s Lou Diamond Phillips. Savior of children and women. The Sheriff tells him about the murder, as well as a shark attack that happened not far from them involving the two girls. But for the life of him he doesn’t know how a shark could be out there in those waters. Well the film knows we are asking ourselves the same thing so it decides to give us a reasonably priced explanation. The only shark that can survive in salt water, Brackish and fresh water, is a Bull shark.

Makes sense. But it’s also still boring!

So for the sake of our version of the film. Billy the Bull Shark is well known for his signature kills. Leaving a fin shaped cut on all his victims. The sheriff remembers when they locked up Billy the Bull Shark with the fresh water council of fish. He saw them put Billy away and knew. In his heart of hearts. Some day Billy the Bull Shark would free himself, and the killing would start again. And the sheriff fears, that this could be the start of his revenge.

Well as interesting as that all is. Lou Diamond Phillips is a simple fisherman and can’t buy into law politics and rogue escaped prison sharks. Pluss the soundtrack has changed to a super slow female vocalist song and we get a slow walk on the pier from a woman who looks to be an ex of his. Who now wishes to charter his boat. If you know what I mean.

She actually has a partner with her and they want to use his services as a boat captain.

They are talking to him about the deep drilling site nearby. Apparently his ex and her partner are apart of it. They mention how its sitting on top of a rather extremely large gas deposit. They’ve been drilling but somethings off. They are needed Lou Diamond Phillips. Not just for his boat. But because he used to be one of the best deep drilling experts. He was trained by the best, and after an unfortunate and life alteringly traumatic event while drilling. He walked away from that life. Taking on the role of a simple humble boat captain.

But he hears them out. He’s not too happy with what he hears. As it seems they built their oil rig on wildlife preservation ground and somehow slid it past congress. BUT. His girlfriend isn’t a bad person. She wants to make sure that the operation runs smoothly and cleanly. That no wild life is harmed and the land stays as unaltered as possible. Which seems really…interesting given what they had to do building the rig and also, you know. The drilling.

Well it doesn’t go well for them and Lou tells her and her new man partner to get off his boat! So they huff and leave, likely to reopen talks once Lou Diamond calms down.

So what happened to him? Well he was a big time deep driller, and she was an environmental expert. The two fell in love and got married. They worked side by side and did good together. Until one rig he was working on had a blow out. Men were killed and he blamed himself. The company said it wasn’t his fault. But he knew it was. He left the job and became a fisherman. While his wife stayed working there, She felt he was punishing himself so she stayed working doing what she knew she was meant to do and enjoyed doing. So Lou Diamond Phillips ended up running from his problems. Running. From himself.

He gets reasonably drunk and talks with his first mate about things. Of course his first mate tells him this could be just the job he needs. It might fix his marriage, and more importantly. It means money which he could use the money to pay for his boat and keep on fishing. So Lou Diamond Phillips decides to follow his ex wife and tell her, alright. I’ll do what you want. But only because I want too. Not because your pretty still and you made my boat smell like vanilla musk instead of sweaty pennies and sour milk.

So as that story builds itself up for getting our Diamond of souls out on the water. We have another story to further. Our druggies!

Yes that’s right. Those drug people and their crazy antics. They end up finding their slippery former bag man and begin questioning him about the money he dropped. Informing him of his two choices. Either they bring him to their drug lord, and he kills him painfully. Or he shows them to the money, they repay the drug lord what was stolen and promise him he can go. But we know they plan to kill him. Even he believes that’s possible of course. But he agrees regardless because he likes not being in pain.

Speaking of pain. We got a fun time ahead of us and I do mean fun. I actually chuckled a bit.

Lou Diamond Phillips is readying for adventure with his ex wife and her guy pal. But they aren’t the only ones out having a literal blast. The town is alive and popping. The same spot we saw the girl get torn apart by Billy the Bullshark? It is now a hot bed of zooming boats. Bullet fire and a fucking guy on a damn harpoon gun.

An actual harpoon gun. Mounted to a speed boat. What the hell.

Well the sheriff stops by on his boat to tell Lou Diamond Phillips that the girl who died? Well her dad owns a large chemical business, so that explains her privileged parking habits. YES I’M STILL ON ABOUT IT!

Well Mr. Big Chemical has decided to put a $50,000 bounty on the shark. So naturally everyone with a fishing pole, rifle, dynamite, boat and harpoon gun are out trying to collect on that reward. Yes its like Jaws, on a much smaller scale. Crammed full of more boats.

The funniest part of this whole scene. Is they felt the need to show us the shark traversing this literal minefield of shark death. Which only serves to further my version of the movie, and the towns people trying to take out the infamous Billy the Bull Shark. It’s really pretty damn funny considering what happens. You have a large fish net being dropped and the shark evading it. Evading random bullet fire, and even. EVEN.

Because why put it in there if you aren’t going to use it. EVEN the damn harpoon gun gets fired.

Is it because they see the shark?

HELL NO!!

They fire the damn thing off, because and I quote “Does this thang even work?”

Firing a pistol into the water? Sure yeah, knock yourself out. Dynamite fishing? Sure the shock waves will kill anything close by have fun. But the harpoon gun? Yeah fuck it. Fire that huge thing off. Have fun towing it back into your boat and reloading.

Seriously, mounting a harpoon gun to your boat? Lord.

Thankfully the further out Loud Diamond Phillips gets, the calmer things are. No explosions, or harpoons. Instead we get cajun music. Cajun country folk frying up god knows what and the sweet bastardization of the French language.

“God, it’s like a scene from Deliverance.” His ex wifes guy pal states, and Lou Diamond Phillip’s never knowing rage in his life calmly tells him not to worry. No ones going to make him squeal like a pig.

It’s a nice little relaxing scene that allows the former lovers to communicate and actually ask about plans for their work out on the water. Kelli(that’s his ex wife) even ask him If he feels it’ll be safe for her to dive into a cove to get samples once they arrive at their destination, or if she will have to worry about Billy the Bull Shark.

He tells her naturally she should be safe but. They’ll talk to a wise man who knows the rivers and see what he says. Which is basically take it easy, chill out, and watch out for sharp teeth. The man actually tells them there’s a legend about a spirit that protects the rivers and the land. So because they were drilling and messing with the land. The shark could be this spirit and it may do whatever it must to protect the river and lands.

Which naturally isn’t saying much or helpful. Unless they were telling them about the legend of Billy the Bull Shark and how he single handedly took down 10 shark hunters and blew up a school on the water front. A school for shark hunters. And ever since, the people have stayed clear of parts of the river, in fear that Billy will find out and come for them.

This film is definitely moving along and it barely feels like much has happened. But yet a lot has. We’re already nearing 40 minutes here. Which means we are at the sweet spot for things to START happening. At least they should.

So after traveling to cajun country and back to the river the next day. We arrive out our destination Lou Diamond Phillips will be talking to the drilling team to find out if things are indeed on the up and up. While his ex will go diving for samples around the cove there. Leaving the first mate and Kelli’s guy pal on the boat. Most likely.

But. On the other side of the same spot with the oil rig? We have Sir Coolio, and Brett searching the water with Jerry. They’ve been busy diving and using metal detectors to locate the money stash.

Which if you stop and thnk about it? If they had money. Cash money, in a case, dropped into the water? It’s going to be useless. Unless you just happened to wrap it all up in plastic and sealed it perhaps? Otherwise, much like the drawing of Rose in the Titanic movie. It’s only pretty under water. But I won’t question the needs of Drug lords.

This is however as you’d expect creating a moment that will evolve later, as the two boats spot each other. Brett and Coolio have no idea why Lou Diamond Phillips star of the Young Guns films would be there, while Kelli’s guy pal Gene, believes those criminals are experts sent by a rival company to investigate whats going on with the oil rig. So he’s naturally already hostile toward their being there, as he claims they had first rights to be there before them. Oh this is indeed the point in the film where things begin to start happening.

Speaking of, we need a random act of violence from Billy the Bull Shark. Because its in his blood. So we come across a wilderness adventure tour in the woods. It’s a very quick scene and setup. Purely made just to increase the body count and maybe even add to the run time. So our wilderness lady leading this tour is asked by one of her guest if they can get a shot of her. Standing on a bridge over the water. Which is sitting a few inches IN THE WATER. Well she feels safe doing this and stand right in the middle. Next to a neon sign STAND HERE FOR A SURPRISE. Which seems to have been setup by a shark. As she stands there Billy Introduces himself and poses for photos as he…breaks tradition. Kind of.

You’d think for a moment he leaps out of the water and takes her down but. He doesn’t jump, or leap. He just lunges at her, STILL in the water. And takes her out. Much to the horror of the guest around to see it. Amusing Billy the Bull Shark, and haunting forever the minds of those on the tour as it comes to an end and those who held their questions for after the tour. Must now forever hold those questions.

So Kelli is diving and taking care of business. She’s gathering her samples without worry of Billy the Bull Shark  shanking her. Lou Diamond Phillips has made a pinky promise to keep her safe and alert her with flood lights if any shark activity takes place.

Well the only activity shark wise going on under the surface, comes in the form of two diving drug guys. As Brett is diving down again with Jerry. Searching a new spot for that money. Jerry is becoming more and more aware he’s very likely to die, so he’s not in any rush to find that money. He knows Coolio wants to kill him, and so far Brett is the only friend he has, promising not to kill him. Well he still wants to flee the situation entirely. But with two against one he can’t do it with those odds. If he could eliminate one of those threats however. He might have a better chance of running and never returning.

Which means he’s going to sabotage poor discount Paul Walker, Brett. He knocks him on the back of the head while under water, knocking poor Brett the drug man out, he grabs his oxygen tube and cuts the tubing. Leaving him for dead. Making his way back up to Coolio who immediately ask where the hell their partner is, “Maybe he went looking for mermaids.”, that doesn’t feel like the best answer or least suspicious sounding one.

But have no fear. Because Kelli is halting her investigation of samples, as she spots a large amount of bubbles under water. Signaling a diver in trouble. Or a diver who had Taco Bell for lunch. She swims over and finds a knocked out, now drowning Brett. She rushes to the surface and calls out NOT to her guy pal Gene, but instead to her ex husband and forever angel Lou Diamond Phillips. Who without hesitation leaps into the water and helps her pull the man out and onto their boat.

Witnessing this, Coolio is beginning to lose his cool, and questions Jerry’s earlier proposed possibility of mermaids existing.

Well as you’d guess it this means our two parties are about to become one. As Lou Diamond Phillips and Kerri work to resuscitate Brett, they succeed! Much to the grimace of Gene, who is immediately unable to hold his shit together and begins questioning Brett ‘Who do you work for. Did global send you? Why are you on our property” Brett could care less and good on him for that. However not so good is when Coolio arrives broadside with their boat and invites himself onto Lou Diamond Phillips boat. Lou is keeping his calm as always. Kerri is trying to figure out of Brett is flirting with her after nearly dying, or just being overly thankful she saved his life. At any rate he gives up his name, Tells Gene he has no idea what he’s talking about with global and any other diving question he has. Coolio for the most part assesses the situation as its unfolding.

In a perfect world. Lou Diamond Phillips would be taking care of the situation, and the two would part ways without further conflict of interest. He has a passive attitude and isn’t looking for trouble. However Gene is an asshole and the one key standing between Kerri and Lou potentially reigniting the steamy candles of passion. So he has to get in Coolio’s face and Bretts. Telling them to get off ‘his boat’, and as they are not working for their rival company Global or any other drilling company. They are trespassing and need to get lost.

Coolio does not appreciate this, and bless him for that because what happens next is precious and hilarious.

He tells Brett to cool his shit and get back down there because he insulted him. Brett says “you calm down, dog!” and walks up his ladder to the captains seat. Coolio did not like this exchange, and pulls out his gun. Shooting Brett in the leg. Brett does not scream out, but gives the funniest and damn near I stubbed my toe shout out, “Aah..” and stumbles down the steps.

We officially have gone off the chain. Lou Diamond Philips is working on saving Genes life as his artery was nipped by the bullet. Brett is trying to calm people down while he and Coolio discuss what to do.

The problem is, Coolio is a hot head, so of course he wants to kill everyone and be done with it. Brett however is wanting to handle it without that possibility. But Coolio informs him they may have to kill everyone whether he likes it or not. Because they’ve seen their faces, they know Brett’s name. And of course they shot Gene, so this officially means witnesses and attempted murder. But as they contemplate this and realize they need to kill them. Alarms on the rig start going off.

History is about to repeat itself for poor Lou Diamind Phillips. A blowout is about to happen on the little rig.

He explains this to the drug men and they decide to let them go and attempt to stop the blowout. So with the help of his crew, and the people on the rig. They immediately set to work. Unfortunately things are too far gone and the rig is going to explode.

Everyone dives from the station, and yes. Unfortunately history repeats itself for Lou Diamond Phillips as two men on the rig die. He of course takes it personally  and is forced to relive his pained past. But this time he has his mentor with him and the two set about trying to put out the fires on the rig. They also, make the mistake of trying to radio for help. Which Brett does not appreciate. He shows this by murdering the radio with bullets. THAT RADIO WAS FIVE DAYS FROM RETIREMENT!!

Thankfully he doesn’t kill Lou Diamond Phillips or his mentor. But he does need one of them to dive down and stop all the mud and water spraying everywhere. Unfortunately Phillips mentor is the only one who knows how to do so and where to do so. So he dives down to do as he was asked.

Only this time, Billy the Bull Shark is around under water. So yes. Pour out a glass of oil for Lou Diamond Phillips drilling mentor. This is not a good day for a traumatized former driller.

Well he’s able to swim back to his boat before Billy can take a turn at introducing himself to an absolute legend like Lou Diamond Phillips. But now the entire boat is aware the shark is out there and indeed does exist.

It also means the drug guys are not going to have much luck diving safely for their money.

Which more than likely means they will need diving volunteers. Maybe.

But Brett is a can do man, with a can do attitude. He’s got a speargun, and he’s got, of all things. Dynamite sticks. He’s taping them to spears and diving back down to the sunken car in the river. The first sign of the shark, and he will hopefully blow it up.

Billy of course seeing this, laughs as only a shark can, challenging him.

Which he does! He’s not even trying to hide from Brett! So Brett whips out a flare and shoots at Billy. Billy growls out and laughs. He’s been struck by the arrow but he doesn’t care. The arrow makes him feel alive! But the fuse on the dynamite is lit. This could mean trouble for Billy.

However the fuse is old and goes out. So billy is ready to retaliate. He’s attacking the car and doing his best to get at Brett. But Brett is a bitch and hiding from a real challenge. So Billy the Bull Shark calls him a whimp and takes off. Prompting Brett to fire off another dynamite spear. This one misses Billy but DOES explode. Was it enough to kill the legend of murder springs Billy the Bull Shark? Only time will tell.

However what time is ready to tell us back on the boat. Is that Gene is dead. He had his time, he bled out, and all is not well for him. Because he’s dead. For real dead. WHICH MEANS! When life closer a door, another door opens. We have open doors for resuming a failed marriage people.

But there is still the question of who will dive for that treasure?

Well Brett is curious to figure that out as well. But he’s distracted. Distracted by Kelli the woman who saved him, and the fact she has large breast which he can’t stop staring at whenever he sees her.  So naturally he has decided to help his distracted mind and take Kelli away from the group. This leads to several failed attempts by our true life hero Lou Diamond Phillips to free them all, as Brett not only stomps Lou Diamond Phillips into the ground. He also tosses a knife into his arm. Lou Diamond Phillips could easily take this man. But he is instead reserving his god like strength obviously. Like One Punch Man. That’s the only clear explanation for this travesty of justice.

But it does give Brett the volunteers he needs to get their money. Lou Diamond Phillips, and Kelli. Along with Jerry to make sure neither of them escape.

Well with no sight of Billy the three quickly get to work and wouldn’t you know it? Because we are left with 25 minutes left in our movie? They find the treasured dropped container of cash!

Which again is likely all destroyed but. Whatever! They found it.

They’re all celebrating. Even Lou Diamond Phillips and Kelli. Hell even Billy is happy for them.

BILLY LIVES!!

Of course he does! You can’t put a shark like Billy the Bull Shark down with a stick of dynamite! You need a damn train full of it! He’s back and he is going star crazy. Between Kristy Swanson in the water AND Lou Diamond Phillips? Who wouldn’t be. But he makes the wise choise and picks up Lou Diamond Phillips so they can have a private conversation. He tries giving a high five to Kelli, but ends up slapping her goggles with his fin cracking them.

Jerry is in full on survival mode and grabs Kelli racing to the ship with the money. As they surface Kelli is immediately demanding a weapon to go back after her former husband. But Brett says hell no. He’s lost and now I have a clear chance at those breast so, suck it up buttercup! We’re moving on!

Is the man who could heal the world with one smile dead? No! Lou Diamond Phillips fights Billy and eventually not only frees himself. He manages to find the gun he lost earlier when failing to protect his ex wife. He’s now armed and ready for retribution. But as he tries escaping the water Billy nips his foot, a warning and his way of marking his pray for later. It’s what he does. Billy doesn’t leave survivors. He leaves promises of death.

So back on the ship we have a celebration and mourning party. Coolio, Brett and jerry are beside themselves with the cash box. But our first mate Emery, and Kelli, they are quietly praying to the god of diamonds to bring their shimmering diamond back.

As Jerry was the dumbass who dropped the cash in the first place, it befalls on him to open the case and show them the money. However his combination is not working. Who would’ve thought that a box under water for 5 years with a combination lock would have trouble opening.

So Coolio does the only thing he knows. Locksmithing. He shoots at the locks on the safe. Unfortunately that doesn’t work, and nearly kills everyone else as the bullets ricochet off the case.

I don’t know who made the case, but that is a super well made case, I gotta say.

But all is not well on this boat. Coolio is still full of anger, and he doesn’t want to wait until they return to his cousin the drug lord to open it. Instead? He and Jerry are now going to double cross Brett. Jerry shanks him repeatedly with a broken piece of rebar. Brett slowly wonders off from the boat and tumbles into the water. Billy the Bull Shark sees his old friend, and smiles. Brett smiles back and opens his arms wide for Billy. The two race into each others arms and Billy kills his rival and arrow tossing asshole.

We are down to the last ten minutes. Which means its time for the power of diamonds.

The Lou of Diamond.

Lou sees the chaos on the boat and he is tired of it. Between seeing two more oil rig workers die, losing his mentor, and now a shark tooth in his foot which he pockets for a puka shell necklace he’ll make later. He’s taking aim at the boat. Emery and Kelli spot him. He motions for them to run and get the hell out of there. As he shoots a gas tank and the boat explodes!

Jerry unfortunately gets a face full of flames and burns alive before Billy could get to him. Billy watching this explosion is impressed and decides he’s going to sit and watch things play out.

What takes places is a quick shootout that moves from the oil rig, to the boat with their money on it. Coolio and Lou Diamond Phillips are shooting endlessly at one another until Coolio escapes. Lou has another plan now. It involves, Well nothing special. He’s just going to blow up his own boat now. But first he has to secure his ex wife and first mate.

He gets them to climb onto a crane and raises the line up. Keeping the two securd and out of harms way. But Coolio spots him and starts firing. Lou Diamond is tired of these bullets flying at him. So he propels himself as his own bullet toward Coolio. The fire from the other boat has spread to their own. Looks like he won’t have to shoot a tank this time to explode his boat!

As the boat burns and all hell is breaking out. Lou Diamond Phillips makes an attempt to grab the money box. But Coolio is all over it. “Give me the damn money!” he shouts out or humble hero. So Lou Diamond Phillips shrugs and says “Okay have it” and runs! Both men make it off the boat as it explodes. Coolio is beside himself! He has the money and its all his. All of it! He even kisses the box and cheers. Billy the Bull Shark surfaces and smiles “I’ll make ya famous Coolio!” and he makes a grab for Coolios money box. The two struggle but Billy wins. Succeeding in opening the money box. Spreading the cash everywhere. Coolio shoots at the Billy until Billy decides this mildly irritates him and leaves. Making Coolio happy for himself yet again as he feels he killed the shark, and NOW once again has his money!

But of course, we know. We know. That can’t last. As happy as Coolio is. Billy the Bull Shark is even happier as he laughs under the water. Rising up and bits Coolios head right of. Before swallowing the rest of him down. Making it rain cash and blood.

Everything seems to be going alright for the rest of our group, Kelli and the first mate are still on the crane and out of danger. Lou Diamond is swimming toward the rig once again for safety. But everything can’t be alright! We still have a few minutes of movie left!

So the crane gives way and the two crash into the water. Lou is after Kelli in a flash as his first mate swims to the rig. But now we have a problem. Billy notices He’s all alone in the water with two celebrities, and one of which he marked for a later meal. So it’s time to take care of business. The Billy the Bull Shark way.

Billy the Bull Shark chases them underneath the rig. There’s a ladder and possibly way up. But the iron grate is stuck and they cant lift it out of the way. Billy is getting restless trying to take these two out and he is not as happy as he once was. Celebrities are wonderful to watch on tv, But always avoiding you in public. Typical!

Well Lou Diamond Phillips isn’t going to take this much longer. He has a plan. A good plan even! A great plan!

He’s shouting out orders to his first mate. Telling him to move up to the drills control levers. While positioning himself above the large drill and hanging from the grating under it. He’s waiting for Billy, Taunting him and saying everyones forgotten the legend of Billy the Bull Shark. That Chumley the stuffed shark from Bad CGI Sharks is more famous than he is. Hell Chumley from PawnStars is more famous. This enrages Billy and Lou Diamong Phillips or not. This mans going down for his crimes against Billy’s good name! He races up and surfaces jaws wide open to capture the massive amount of talent dangling over his head. But Lou Diamond Phillips is ready for him and shouts to his friend to pull the magical drill lever!

So he does! And so the drill drops down. Landing into the open mouth of the wildest shark in the water world. The drill turns on and begins grinding, and killing the legend himself. Billy the Bull Shark is no more. Sinking off into legend and his final resting place. Or the shark hell he know awaits him for all the crimes he’s commited.

But now is a time for happiness. As Lou is reunited with his ex wife and the two embrace powerfully once again. Forgetting for the moment that she lost her new guy pal. That Lou Diamond Phillips lost his mentor and relived a huge traumatic event from his past which forced him from his wife in the first place.

All is happy and the three await rescue which was by far long over do. I mean honestly it’s a small town. An oil rig exploded, that should have drown out the police helicopter. Hell the two boats exploding later that night and the large fires should’ve raised SOMEONE’S sirens!!

But no. Not until the rising of the sun do they finally arrive. And with the arrival of our rescue team, and Lou Diamond Phillips wishing us all a happy and fulfilling life. The screen fades to black, and credits role.

The End.

This was bordering on being almost too good for low budget. I mean it wasn’t even really that either. It was more like a decent budgeted film that went straight to dvd. The acting was decent. It wasn’t star studded but it was filled with some talent. The story was good and took itself seriously. There wasn’t any kind of tongue in cheek schlock or anything. It was just a good movie made well.

The shark kills were reasonable. They did use a mix of CGI at points, very sparingly. And a majority of scenes were indeed as I called it earlier stock footage. But you saw they did have a practical effects shark for some of the scenes and kills. It was really handled surprisingly well. The CGI wasn’t used to the point you could tell it was bad. The practical shark was also used the same. Quick shots, no lingering. I mean as terrifying as Jaws was when it came out and people still find it today. You can see in scenes the rigging that held the shark model up. And more comically when he eats Quint, you can see the teeth folding and laying across his coat. Its pretty funny but still a classic. This movie handled it really well and competently.

I really enjoyed it. It was a fun movie with a few laughs but for different reasons compared to the other shark films we’ve watched. It was almost what Shark Zone wanted to be. Minus the Russian mob blowing up buildings and cars, and the very poor acting.

Everything about it felt right and would’ve made for a good party flick or a film watch on its own. I really don’t have any gripes or complaints about any of it honestly.

Well if I had to? Like REALLY had to try? It would be two things. And one of them is legit, the other isn’t.

The while getting this shark into the picture. It was played a bit oddly for me. We’ve seen stories do this before where as I said something is explodes. Or shifts and suddenly a shark from ages ago is set free. But instead it comes off as with their drilling. This shark came out and now was terrorizing the town. There was nothing abnormal about the shark. It was just your average everyday Bull Shark, which I just gave an outlaw story too.

Maybe if they just went the Jaws route of simplicity and just made it a nasty shark that swam up a channel and into this towns river. That would still work. But again it’s the only thing I can really think would have made a change in the story over all. But even still it works.

My other forced gripe is that during the boat scene at night as Coolio and Jerry are celebrating taking over the boat and waiting for Brett to find a volunteer. You can hear Coolio is jamming and dancing. To his own music.

Which I mean, given what I’ve heard of him? I can see him being the type of artist to rock out to his own stuff and play it all the time.

Like I said its not a real gripe just made me chuckle realizing he was bobbing his head and partying to his own stuff. Fun scene.

So yeah. I’d say that was a good random pick for the first of our final three countdown for the month. I wasn’t sure what to expect between the title and the stars. But it was a really decent film AND we can say is part of a trilogy in our shark movies this month as it does fall into the heist category doesn’t it? Bad guys planning getting their money, sharks are involved, bad plans are bad. It works! For me it does. So yeah. Shark Heist is a genre we need more of.

The good kind though we. We don’t need the horrible kind. Please.

The movie nailed its entire run time and never once slowed down. Even when nothing happens and they purposely slow themselves down. It was still entertaining. Kept moving and told its story. Can’t ask more then that of a film. So mark this as a win and definitely if you did not watch it before hand. Watch it now. You won’t be disappointed.

As for tomorrow? Oh boy, oh boy. You all have no idea the possible gold that awaits us. The premise and names alone are. Well they have me excited. You’ll see soon. Until then. Don’t drop drug money in the water, and remember the legend of Billy the Bull Shark.