SHARK-A-THON Day 29 SKY SHARKS!!

Day 29 Sky Sharks

That’s right. Sharks of the Air. I’m telling you, and I will keep telling you. We are SO close to an Avatar shark it pains me. It should happen. Needs to happen. But will it happen? Likely no. unfortunately.

But this isn’t just any kind of Sky Sharks. Oooh no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

…no, no ,no.

This is something altogether insane, amazing. What the fuck am I even reading BEFORE you’ve even seen it…kind of extravaganza of weirdness.

I had to throw this on the list because there was no way I could live with myself if I hadn’t. It’s just to insane a concept and idea to pass up, The poster alone filled my head with cottage cheese and the direct feeling that this is what happens when you have reached the end of the shark barrel. But in a pleasing way.

Yeah.

So I bring unto you, the 2nd to last Shark-A-Thon film of April. What I am hyping, and hoping will be the greatest bit of crazy and not a mind blending failure. Lets dive on in, once more with…

Sky Sharks

Tagline: The Sea is for Fish. The Sky is for Sharks!

Synopsis: After an arctic research team discovers a long-lost Nazi warship, they inadvertently unleash the Third Reich’s unknown secret weapon: Sky Sharks.

That’s right. Nazi experimental flying sharks.

Do you see now?! DO YOU SEE?!!

All of this madness has been leading us to this point! Nothing is sacred. Nothing is off limits. Sure it’s a rip off of an Iron Sky kind of movie but WHO CARES! Nazi flying sharks! What even is this reality anymore!

No this is not an Asylum child, or SRS. Not even SYFY.

This is an undertaking of a whole other arm of independence with no apologies.

We begin on an airplane flight, FlightNHL 234 Fin Airlines. Somewhere over the Atlantic. A little girl is playing with a toy shark, making it fly with the clouds, bored. Another passenger sorting peanuts because. Why not? And a priest is talking with a nervous praying nun about his conversion to Christ, from being a horrible LA Gang member, to a voice of the lord, as he tells her, “Satan wasn’t just in my soul. More than that, sister. Satan had parked his car right outside the house to my soul. He busted the locks, and was squatting his slimy self right in there. He was taking a dump in my toilet and kicking back on the couch. Dialing himself a pizza. With the intention of staying for good. It’s a metaphor. There I was, Locked up in my cell in Pelican Bay. In Satan’s grasp. And Jesus came to me in a bright light. Told me to be his warrior. Now I fight for Jesus.  And you know that’s the winning team. And we’re gonna whip Satan’s ass.”

This is already sounding promising. But I will try to hold myself back. We need the sharks. We need them soon, and they are coming.

But first. We have a drunk man, asking for a stewardess to refill his drink. Specifically a female stewardess because of their outfits, and how their butts look in them. But as soon as he gets a female stewardess. He ask for the male stewardess! Why? No idea. I’m just waiting on the sharks.

Now something to mention. As it’s really. Really weird. And at the same time funny. For some reason. Everything anyone is watching on this flight? From the dad sitting beside his daughter watching a movie which she glances over at a few times, To another bored passanger. They are all watching films. With large bouncing breast.

The dad is watching an Avatar like movie where warrior women are topless, riding CGI’d frogs, charging into a battle. Breast out and bouncing. The other passanger? Is watching a large breasted topless woman splash water on her breast. He’s watching this on his handheld camcorder. Just as he’s…about to record the clouds outside the window of his seat.

What even is this man just. Dude.

If you want to watch porn, watch your porn, you don’t need to pretend. Own up to it. Or watch it on your cellphone like a normal person.

Incase you haven’t grasped it. This entire flight is fucking insane and nothing fits right. Most the people look like Troma film background characters. And that’s a semi compliment. I’d hate to say the film is very German but. Well.

Speaking of weird but fun, the music in this is techno synth and rather catchy, if I do say so myself. Which is rare as I’m not usually a fan of most techno. But it oddly works.

But enough about these weird people, failed parent, and even pilots wearing cool sunglasses pretending to fly a plane. We are ready for action. Get ready for it. Because they are delivering on their promise.

One of the pilots glances over to their radar noticing a blip coming from it. When he looks over. We see 6 shark shaped blips on the radar. I’d say that’s an oddly specific kind of thing to outline on a radar. But this is a Fin flight so. It makes sense.

No sooner do we see these blips appear, do we then get our first glimpse. Of flying sharks.

Sharks. With jet engines strapped onto them. They are using the clouds for cover and synchronizing their flight patterns. They are tech sharks and highly coordinated. I love it already.

As the sharks move into position, we also see. They are not alone. There is a solders landing on the planes wing and using a welding torch to cut through the door! He not only is able to cut the door open. But he kicks the door out and makes his way into the plane. What we then find out, and offers an even bigger what the fuck after just seeing flying nazi experimental sharks.

Is a zombie nazi super trooper.

To say I was not expecting that. Is a very accurate statement. Incredibly accurate in fact.

We have Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers, and Nazi Experimental flying Sharks.

Now, if you didn’t know already, or guess it. If we have bare bouncing breast in this film? When all these other shark films have really not done so. We are also going to get extreme gore. These two things go hand in hand. You got breast? Your gonna get blood.

Lots, and lots of both.

AND WE DO!

The moment this Zombie Nazi Super Solder is on the plane, he is fucking peoples days up and taring shit apart. Seriously every person he see’s is getting their heads bashed into goo, or blood is spurting out of their threats like mad. It’s absolute insanity turned up to eleven. I don’t know where the hell things will take us but I’ve missed this kind of stupidity and grand nonsense.

I’m not joking it feels like 5 minutes of carnage atop more carnage. And it’s not just the Zombie Nazi Super Soldier either. We also let the sharks join in. They’re ripping parts of the plane off and eating some of the passangers the soldier didn’t get to yet.

And because this film embraces the madness it inspires AND we can’t have just one guy fucking shit up along side sharks. We have another super soldier landing. This one, is a female Zombie Nazi Super Soldier.

Who unzips her vest low enough to nearly let her zombie breast fall out before she joins in on the slice and dice punch heads into red pulp party.

This is all just the first 15 minutes of the film.

I feel like I’m either drunk and high without having reached for either. Or so drunk and high I can’t remember when I did either and put this movie on.

But all good things must crash and burn over the Atlantic. Which the plane does. With the help of some sharks bashing the plane, and now. We can begin a proper credit sequence. In the city. Which looks like a cyber punk reality with super fast fancy cars, no speed limit and you can wear whatever leather you want. So Germany. I guess.

This is the future. People are able to keep themselves alive well past their expiration date. As we are introduced to a 115 year old man with a glowing spinal implant. He’s the head of one of the largest tech companies, and the man our dangerously fast driving lady in a fancy car is driving to see.

The best way to explain what is happening? If you are missing out on life and NOT watching? I’s like a music video come to life, and a story coming forth.

They are watching footage of the crash. Which is histerical as it came from the handheld camera of the man perving over recorded shower breast. So you get scenes of the ultra violence from the plane playing out with breast faded into the background. Work with what you got I guess.

We go from this footage, to an investigation team reporting from the crashed remains of the plane somewhere over Iceland. We learn 8 bodies have been recovered so far, and about the damage from the plane. But that nothing concrete has been discovered as to what caused it. Though our super old man believes he knows. As we cut to archived footage of a large ship, like a battleship frozen in the arctic. “You think this and the plane attack are linked?” the woman ask oldman. Oldman sighs and nods. “Now. I know it.” They are sending out the ladies sister to the arctic to investigate the ships remains and get answers. Which we all are desperate to know. I mean any chance of finding out what the hell is going on in this film is welcome.

But before we get more answers. You probably wanted more breast. If you didn’t? Well too bad we’re getting it.

YES EVEN IN THE ARCTIC!!

The lady they sent to investigate things in the Arctic is the sister of fast driving lady. She hates the cold, so she therefor hates the arctic. She is driving out to the site with one of the team leaders in a snow truck. On their way there he informs her she can see a lot more of the site thanks to the helmet cams they are all wearing. It should give her an idea of what’s ahead.

As I alluded to and prepared you for. As soon as the view screen is turned on to a helmet cam. We are met with a man wearing his helmet cam, while banging a large breasted blonde lady.

Because science. Obviously.

The effects in this film are, insane. The sharks are low buedget as hell, which is fine. The practical effects are, weirdly great. The CGI for everything else is borderline done by an insane crackhead instructing a homeless person how to apply the effects.

Honestly it’s the only way to explain it. It look simultaneously amazing and horrible. This film is also getting away with so much shit in the blink of an eye that its insane this got the rating it did and not more.

You will understand shortly.

So on the helmet cam we got the joke scene that a man is having sex with a blonde aboard a frozen ship. It is not just a joke. They  decide to shift focus from the lady being driven to the ship. To the couple having sex on the ship. There’s even an artistic shot of snow gathering on the womans breast while she’s, having fun.

Is this going somewhere? Yes it is. It’s going toward ultra violence and nudity. As the man is…enjoying life with his lady friend. A Zombie Nazi Super Soldier appears behind him and smashes his head into oblivious. Spurting an endless fountain of blood from the stump of a neck. The Zombie Nazi Super Soldier can’t help but grin and. Lean forward, over the blood spurting neck. Just to perve on the lady the man was banging, and is now screaming. With her feet still resting on the headless bodies corpse.

Until she kicks the body and zombie back. The lady in the snow truck is watching this unfold and demands they get their sooner as all hell is breaking loose!

This is when the film sneaks in something they thought some of us wouldn’t notice. But you do. You will ask yourself. As you see the woman who was having the sex. Now sitting naked except for bloody knee high socks, a barely held on her shoulders coat, and fluffy Ushanka hat, aiming a shotgun at the Zombie Nazi Super Solider.

You will ask yourself. As you see this, and then a bright purposely blown out white flash as she fires the shotgun.

Did we just see that womans vagina?

Why yes. Yes you do.

For a split second. But it is there. She is sat on this medical table. Legs spread heels on the edge of the table. Just letting it all out.

For a split second before a bright flash floods the screen, and you see her blast the Zombie Nazi Super Soldier. I only mention this. Because it is very, very rare. You ever see not only something like that in a horror film now. But to see as ‘much’ of it as you see it’s just…How they got it past censor boards I don’t know. But yeah.

Don’t go calling me a perv either! Oh That Donnie, he’s just perving freeze framing on a vagina!

Oh no. I thought that scene was the end of it, so I laughed it off. But oh no. She roams this station fully naked covered in blood so. Don’t call me the perv. Call the movie the perv.

It’s still funny as hell and a bit more so as she’s screaming being dragged. Because the ground is ice and her butt is being dragged over it. Also Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers.

AND, to further prove it’s not just me pointing out nudity. They aren’t done with it! This poor girl is held by one leg over a pool of sharks. The sharks bite her head off and arms. Then beast. It’s all still the actual actress, and they are..still showing us all of her. Until it pulls back. And the rest of her body turns CGI. FULLY NAKED CGI, so we can see the sharks devore every last part of her. Right down to her hips.

This fucking movie is going to infinity and beyond, and it is showing no signs of stopping. I was expecting a tongue in cheek Iron Sky like silly film.

What I’m getting is Full nudity insane gore and nazi sharks.

I’m not complaining. I just like knowing what I’m getting into and this film has no guideline what so ever.  I’m confused, laughing and I truly think this is what madness feels like.

So after our poor lady Godiva is torn apart by sharks. We can now focus on a much more fully clothed fighting blonde. She is kicking all kids of literal ass and taking names. Stomping Zombie Nazi Super Soldier heads into the ground with authority! We are finally getting a look into this ship and its. Well insane. I keep saying it, but there is no other word for it.

The ship is a factory of reanimated Nazi super soldiers hung on harnesses in mass. As far as the eye can see. There are catwalks being patrolled by more soldiers, and large tanks full of sharks being retrofitted with flight harnesses. We also see the sharks being loaded onto cranes giving us the funniest and weirdest imagery. A shark being crane lifted out of a hangar and to a platform, with large Nazi banners draped from the ceiling behind it.

Seriously this movie is shot like a living music video. There’s no other way to put it. It’s just wild.

We spot a familiar Zombie Nazi Super Soldier, petting her shark. It’s the blonde from earlier, petting the side of the shark she rode away on from the plane crash after their assault. She spots the ass kicking blonde named Diabla. The actress by the way, might be familiar to fans of the show Lexx as she played Zev Bellringer. Took me a hot minute to figure that one out.

Well we now have Super blonde vs Zombie Nazi Super Soldier blonde!

But as this is a first encounter fight, by the rules of movie logic. Our hero cannot win this first encounter. So unfortunately she is caught off guard and taken down by Zombie Nazi Super Soldier lady. But she oddly doesn’t kill her. Instead? She crams a metal syringe into Diabla’s chest. Full of an odd glowing blue liquid.  Whatever it is, she is now infected with it. She is able to escape as the ship begins powering up its engines and Diabla makes a lunge for an iceberg. Able to clamp on and climb up. As she looks up and sees the sky full of Sky Sharks, some of which are being ridden by Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers.

Things are afoot at the circle K, as wise men say.

Somehow she makes it back to Richter building where her sister sits beside her. Healing on an odd device. Even odder is the outfit she is wearing. Which the less said and the more experienced. The better and easier it is to explain.

No she is not naked. It’s spandex shorts made for someone two sizes smaller and a top to match.

Her sister is glad she survived but they both have questions for...their dad?!

Old man, the 115 year old bag of wrinkled prunes. Is their father. “I have a feeling you know something you haven’t told us” Diabla tells him. Do we find out what that is?

NO!

No? That’s right. No! Instead he moves in, and it is very apparent he is talking to her. But he isn’t saying anything we can hear. Because music is flooding everything. Next we know Diabla gets a montage during her healing period and training.  Beside her sister.

I’m almost convinced this gilm is what would happen if you took out the music in a music video and watched the story in the video.

It’s just so. Bizarre and fascinating at the same time. It’s entertaining but its also just something you experience and take in.

Speaking of. During this training montage. We get. Fuck it. Call it a music video in the middle of the film okay?

We see Diabla’s brown haired sister training, while Diabla takes a shower. Between these two things we are shown. Diabla begins to scream in the shower and recount what happened in her fight with the female super soldier and the fluid she was injected with. She screams and falls to the floor as techno music plays and. In a kneeling position begins writhing on the floor. Thrusting her ass back at us each time. Then driving herself forward and lower to the ground. The camera then cuts in front of her and we see the same thing done from the front this time. Knees open, a pained expression on her face, body convulsing in tightening flexes while she cries out and you see her face morphing. She’s looking like she is turning into a Zombie Super Soldier. Ultimately she ends up collapsing into a fetal position in the shower and drawing herself inward forming as close a ball as a human can.

All while fully nude and again. We see. Everything.

Every. Thing.

I’m not even saying this with raised eyebrows or a grin. I am just saying this in an I am completely surprised they are doing this, and doing it again to this extent way.

I am not opposed to it. It makes sense in the context? But its just not what I was expecting.

Like it reminds me of this guy I used to work with. Mark. The man was a walking enigma of drunken stupidity that you daily had to question, is this man fucking with me? Or is really this dense. Anyway one day I bring up how my mom and dad have an African gray parrot and how me and my sister will likely have to argue over who gets stuck with it once our parents pass because those things live forever. He smiles and says ‘Hey, I’ve got one of those too, you wanna see?” I was surprised he had a picture of it with him but I said sure yeah let’s take a look. He goes over to his knife bag, and pulls out a polaroid picture. There is a parrot. But 86% of the photo? Is a naked woman, an ex of his. Lying on her side. Fully nude, with the parrot at her hip. He’s just giving this polite almost Mr Rogers like smile and says “She’s a really intelligent bird I’ve had her for blah blah years. She’s got really unique coloring in her feathers too.”

Meanwhile I’m just stuck with this weird expression caught between laughing at a joke. Laughing at okay this guy is messing with me showing this, and holding back both laughs as I am hearing him talk sincerely about this bird as if the fully naked woman in the photo doesn’t exist. She’s just. There.

If you understand that situation? You’ll understand this film.

The film is making me laugh. It’s amusing. But I am also stuck between laughing at, is this the joke? Is this artistic comedy? Or just very german.

Either way I love it.

So back to the movie. Of which. We ae only 35 minutes into. Out of an hour and 42 minutes. It’s gonna be a long ride folks.

With everyone together now. Both daughters and their father. It’s time for dinner. Their mothers favorite. Sushi. We learn their mother passed away thanks to a memorial photo on the wall. There is very little dialogue in the movie and a lot of things have so far played out as long pieces of video with techno music telling the story. But thankfully here we might actually GET some spoken word story as the girls are asking their father to now share with them the story of his past life, to help shed light on things. I hope.

Well our hopes are answered. We are learning about the mysterious liquid. The Nazi behind these weird inventions and the super soldiers who ride on majestic flying sharks. That would be even more majestic if not Nazi flying sharks.

Dr Hans Kemmlar was a genetic scientist and lead man behind Nazi Germanies super secret experiments. He was designing super weapons for the war. Including a serum called K7B, which just so happens to be what Diabla was infected with.. But we will get into that later.

For now we are going into a flashback with Dr. Kemmlar, where we see him meeting with a general to discuss his latest and greatest plan. A plan to reconquer and control the skies. He calls it. “Project Himmelsfaust”, He begins playing a film and we see a secret video of Nazi propaganda play out about his operation.

The Operation, was to create a serum which has regenerative properties and will keep their solders from dying, while also prolonging their life, and increasing their strength. The film also notes that when women are given this serum. They begin a process known as Zombification. Which changes their outside looks. They also grow in rage, strength and aggressive behavior. Because of female genes. Which Dr Kemmlar finds a good thing, as the short film tells us, “Women become stronger, more enduring and more decisive. Thus, the female national comrade can also fill the ranks of our front.” Well. Good to know. Though it would seem even the men fell to zombification as well.

These super soldiers were only a small part of it. The other part of the operation, was the construction of their V machines. The flying sharks. Each shark would be fitted with a jet engine, machine guns, missles, and the sharks natural ability to conquer its foes both in sea and air now. They would deploy the soldier serum in the west, using planes and bombs dropping the serum and in a gas form. Helping their solders to rise from the ashes and continue the fight. While the sharks and trained Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers would ride the skies to victory in the east.

As the film comes to an end, we are left wanting some of the art from that short. Because even if it is Nazi propaganda, seeing an animated shark being mounted with machine guns, missiles under each fin, and a jet engine. It’s just cute as hell. I said it. Bite me.

SO their father explains to them, and thankfully us. That once the fallout happened with the Russians and Germany during WW2, it became apparent that a 1000 year Reich would not happen. The program was never shown to Hitler. But instead the general it was shown too. Told Dr. Kemmlar to continue his work and produce the serum, and create the sharks. Which he did. They bread genetically mutated sharks that could hover, had exceptional intelligence and were by all rights. Perfect killing machines. They however could not breed so what sharks they had. Were all there was. Same with the Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers.

However, we learn as well. That Dr Kemmlar AND their father worked together on the super soldier serum. So now the girls are understandably upset to learn their father aided in this madness. But he couldn’t care less for their judgement. For him it was a necessity and it provided him the life they all have now, as well as his fortune. Which he has since used for good.

As it stands now. There are 20 glying sharks total, and no one knows how many soldiers.

But we aren’t done yet. Oh no.

No, no, no. There is a LOT more story. This is. What is this film. Like. I’m into it, but in a fascinated way. And now this huge info dump. It’s just so, goddamn weird.

So we are doing another flashback sequence. We are seeing what happened at the beginning of the end for Germany in WW2. Dr. Kemmlar is moving what’s left of their work onto trains and headed for Austria. But their father, Dr. Klaus. He is not so hot on this plan. He thinks its treason for them to run noe instead of staying and fighting with what they DO have of their project. But Dr Kemmlar will not be stopped. He shoots Klaus and he along with his super soldiers take off for the trains. It’s then we learn, that the serum Klaus has been injecting into himself to keep himself living. Is indeed the serum they were developing, K7B. So apparently the serum does stop zombifation. I guess. So long as you use it immediately and aren’t entirely fucked up.

We see Kemmlar engage in a last stand type battle as their escape is blocked, or so it seems. Well now this raises an odd question for the girls, and us. How did their father go from being a Nazi scientist to working for the west? Well it’s not really that odd, unfortunately. It happened a lot in WW2.

Actually its really interesting to look into and read about, but also disturbing for some. But looking into what happened with Japan and their weapons development camps. It’s absolute atrocities and inhuman what their doctors did. From detonating grenades in fields with people secure to ground post to test the effective range of grenades, to pouring water on peoples limbs in the freezing cold to see how quickly frostbite sets in and at what point flesh is frozen and pulled from limbs. Its sick stuff. But because of those test we learned things medically that advanced medicine and a lot of those doctors were freed of charges. War is insane and their dad being recruited to work in the west makes sense. Even for a man making zombies and flying sharks.

This is a comedy remember that.

SERIOUSLY this thing is insane! We went from tits and bloody gore, flying sharks and vaginas flapping around. To Nazi science and the longest information dump ever.

So their dad was part of what they code named, the paperclip boys. He gave up secrets of what he and Kemmlar worked on to the west. Because he wanted to rebuild Germany, Not destroy the world. So he told the west all he could and they chose to trust him. So he stopped all work on those projects and began using his know how to star his tech company and thus his empire.

But now the shark is out of the bag. The frozen ship was what remained of their operation. The ship had been running independently in Arctica on its own. The sharks had been deployed and cruising through the sky. Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers were deploying and beginning their long awaited plan for Western domination. The ship was a technical marvel as it was able to make itself invisible and submerge ontop of that. So it’s the coolest thing ever. If not for the large Nazi shit all over it.

So what now? Well. Now the Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers are done hiding, and the plane they attacked, was just the beginning.

Now All counties are coming under the attack of missile launching sharks, and Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers. We are shown Spain, Moscow, Berlin. Everyone is under attack and the Sky Sharks are winning. There HAS to be a plan to retaliate. Or at least someway they can right? Otherwise we have a pointless movie!

Or at least a real Debbie Downer of one.

Well don’t worry people. We got a good bit of uplifting coming in special delivery.

NO IT’S NOT MORE NUDITY!!

Though I am sure people wouldn’t mind this one. We got Mr Candyman himself. Tony Todd joining this film. Playing Major General Frost. Which I will say, Tony Todd is the very model of a modern major general.

I had to do it. I really, really did. I love that song.

Well we aren’t getting JUST Tony Todd. We are getting a ton of people here, and it…is a little confusing. Everyone is talking fast and talking in character about their country, their past. Fighting between each other.

The only thing that matters here, that SHOULD for anyone matter here. Is a goddamn legend is in this film, and an actress who is sorely missed, and unfortunately doing what they call Pink movies now. Asami! The mutant girl herself! If you are familiar with such classics as Mutant Girl Squad and The Machine Girl. The single greatest film ever made. You will know her. Sure she’s in this as a very small role but I don’t care. I count my victories where I can damnit.

So all these people chatting one after the other. What are they saying? They are sounding off about how royally fucked the world is with the sky sharks and Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers. How there is conceivably no way to defeat them. But there surely must be!

We learn the sharks have mutated, and formed their own…genetic camouflage, so it doesn’t matter how many missiles you have. If you can’t lock onto them. So we are doomed!

Until we aren’t. Because the sky sharks skin is able to..deflect a signal that keeps them off of radar systems. However. They can create a sort of..anti signal that when the sharks pick up on this signal. It will render their invisibility cloak defective.

That’s the movies words. Not mine.

So they will need military equipment that can emit a sonar pulse that will disrupt the sharks cloaking systems. They just need to get close enough to do so. And hurry doing so as the sharks are believed to still actively be mutating. Which means they could mutate to actually become compatible for breeding. Which could spell the end for humanity.

So we’re doomed again!

They need to, as Tony Todd puts it. Evactuate all civilians from the sky. Create a. No. Fly. Zone. Then we can use the sonar and take these sky sharks down faster than a hookers panties during mardi gras.”

I love living in a democracy.

So the world is headed for collapse, financially. As the world enters a….martial sky law. A world wide no fly zone. Around the world.

So no flying anywhere. The world is collapsing into financial ruin. But we are gearing up to take down those sharks and Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers!

It makes sense right?

Yeah. Totally.

Now. This movie has not forgotten its crazy roots over an hour ago. It remembers Diabla was injected with K7B. She’s beginning to change, or show change rather. She’s getting facial scarring. She’s gidgety and irritable. I am far too smart a man to make a joke about that.

But yes. Things are not looking good for her.

What’s also not looking good is the sudden approval of a flight. For small groups of only Americans to fly out of Europe. This. Seems like a trap. But no one is saying anything.

Who cares! Let them die! We got flying sharks and Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers now! What’s more is we are seeing how they are piloted. Which is hilarious as it doesn’t fit at ALL the sharks they are riding on. You see these men riding the sharks like horses. But they each have a cockpit sized console and controls. NONE OF IT FITS OR MAKES SENSE! But I’m oddly okay with it.

Since we are now returning to our film. That means the return of a few things. Let’s see if you can guess.

We have a plane. Full of Americans leaving Europe. Let’s see what did we have last plane ride.

Sky sharks. Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers. Drunks. Oh that’s right!

Tits!!

Yes. They are bringing back the entire beginning of the film just at night and more cool as we fully see the sharks. We have an old man sitting beside his grandson(I’m guessing) asking him what game he’s playing on his Nintendo Switch. “Only the best game in the world” he proclaims and we see. He is playing a 24bit version of the film the father to another kid was watching on the first plane ride. Battle warrior ladies topless riding frogs. “Do the warrior women get clothes when they reach the next level?” The older man rightfully ask. But we may not learn if this flight goes the same route as the first one.

Oh we also get real breast too. See at the airport there was a super hot blonde, making out with a chubby guy. So these two are headed for the bathroom, and everyone can hear her moaning her head off. So naturally the camera wants to show us they aren’t getting a shoulder and back rub. Or taking the most relaxing shit ever. No. They are banging. And their breast are right in the camera. Bouncing out for all to take in.

If you ever wondered what it was like to take MDMA. This is it folks. I guess.

While those two are banging, and the flight is full of grateful Americans ready to leave Europe. We have Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers readying the plane for another boarding massacre. Only this time. People inside the plane are noticing the Sky Sharks and their pilots.

Will this end differently than before? Will the American mercenaries get with sonar tech arrive and save these American citizens while dropping these sharks faster than a hookers panties at Mardi Gras?

Will the couple fucking in the bathroom survive and finish?!

The answer, may surprise you.

As we fully embrace the madness of the first 20 minutes of the film. The answer is emphatically and resoundingly Hell no!

The couple porking in the bathroom are nearly there. But the Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers cram a portable periscope into the plane. Right through the mans head. So once again. We have a topless woman, Smothered in spurting blood. As well as the funniest shot of a practical effect Torso and hollow head. Swiveling around a plane full of screaming passangers. The attack begins. Our blonde Zombie Nazi Super Solider is taking people out inside the plane, securing the cockpit. Pilots are pulled out of the plane and fed to sharks. And a new trick is being deployed. The greatest attempt at this kill and joke since Ghost Ship. One Sky Shark fires a harpoon through the jet, clear through to the other side where it links up to another shark. The line begins tightening and we soon see. The line? Is ribbed with barbs and blades. The two pilots on their Sky Sharks signal to one another and throttle back on their Sky Sharks. Immediately cutting through the ship and also immediately. Comically decapitating every single passenger inside. Including the topless tit bouncing blonde covered in blood.

These people are fucked and to make it funnier. Those who haven’t died yet, and are about to face down Zombie Nazi Super Solders with flame throwers and rifles. Are awaiting the arrival of our late to the party American jet. Who arrive. Just in time. To watch countless people burn to death, and those who lived scream as the roof of the airplane rips away.

But the Americans had a job to do. Use theor sonar. Which. They do.

Does it work? Does it decloak the sharks. Yes it does.

But it does that and more!

Apparently it knocked out the sharks sonar AND their navigational systems. So the sharks are falling from the sky.  So Huzzah! The Sky Sharks can be killed!

Until they begin mutating quickly to try and counter act this to save themselves.

So I guess a temporary victory.

Meanwhile we have a mission within a mission. It seems that Klaus gave a ‘cure’ to one of the mercenaries. Who is now giving it to Diabla’s sister. She has a secret sister mission. They know her sister Diabla is infected with K7B, and she may turn evil anytime now. So if she does. They need to jab her with the cure. Anything they can do to stop her turning evil. Or kill her before she turns.

Well, They saved the plane, and a handful of passengers. So. Yay that. But with the sharks evolving, and those Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers still being unstoppable. They need a way to combat that. So it comes down to another super secret operation.

Something so vile and horrible, that even the worlds top Mercenaries thought it was “Something you tell your kids or other mercenaries to give them nightmares.” , well yes but no. it is super real.

I just want to say I appreciate these people for the background events going on with all the political and powerful players in this film. Like while a Mercenary is talking to them. There’s a guy being waterboarded and tortured behind him. A senator from Berlin is idly caressing and hugging a statue of Jesus and Tony Todd goes from standing, to sitting, to sitting on the Presidents desk.

But enough about that now. If you think you just finished the MDMA the film gave you? Get ready for the moment the film gives you a line of coke, only to tell you its heroin.

Project Dead Flesh takes place. In Vietnam.

They are going to fucking Vietnam man! Jeeeeeeeesus

They sent Klaus over to Vietnam and allowed him all the funding and equipment he needed for his research to continue work on K7B but, you know. For good. So they developed a new super soldier program hat allowed them to control bodies of dead soldiers, and microwave transmitters that let them control different halves of the brain. They created a super solder named Damian. Klaus wanted full control over a super soldier. So they used the Vietcong as Guinee pigs. They killed a unit of Vietnamese soldiers and infected them with K7B, They then set Damian free to attack the unit. Which he succeeded in and took them out. He was used for a few years in Vietnam until a bullet took him out. When it happened, they put him on ice. Until they could develop a way to bring him back.

I must say. The music for this movie, is a hell of a trip. We mostly use techno music. A LOT of techno music. But when we had our WW2 Nazi flashbacks? They were playing country music. And now, here in Vietnam? We are getting A country music song “Diggin my own grave” and bits of techno again.

I mean its weird as fuck. But I dig it. The music is pretty amazing. Actually.

They were working on Bringing Damian back into the field and they managed to finally do so. He was stronger and better than ever. He was twice his size though and strength. But it didn’t matter. They brought him back. Just as the Vietnam war needed him. Because the Zombie Vietcong Super Solders were spreading and infecting even the Vietnamese prostitutes! So one night when their base came under attack. Damien went out and began crushing the soldiers. But something happened. Damian was losing control. He ripped out his inhibitor chip and was filled immediately with blood lust and rage. He began killing every Vietcong in the camp, as well as his own men. Klaus learned you could never truly control a soldier. Especially when they continue on being what they are.

It makes no goddamn sense but its what we got.

Why do we get this? Because it is leading us to something insane. Well. More insane.

We are getting…The War Machine.

Not the ironman war machine.

But something called. The Megalodon.

Ladies and gentlemen. We are entering the final 20 minutes of the film.

DOES ANYONE KNOW REMOTELY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!!!!

Things are happening, I’m mildly confused but I am enjoying myself. But I swear the Christ if you asked me what is going on I would just scream in absolute insanity.

So what IS going on at this point?

A final fight that’s what.

On one stage. The Sky Sharks and their Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers have located the American Mercenary plane with Diabla and her sister. They are now boarding and about to start a fight.

On another stage we have Klaus putting on a headset and using Nano technology to control his ultimate weapon. Something called Megalodon, with Damian’s brain inside it.

That is what I am seeing, that is what is going on. Lets get this show going.

It looks like Diabla has turned full evil folks. She has let the Zombie Nazi Super Troopers in and she is siding with them. So its time for the mercenaries to fight the Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers. Which turns out to be. Well not all that bad surprisingly. They are holding their own.

But this also means we have sister versus siter. As Diabla immediately eyes her sister, and her sister eyes Diabla, but also the cure behind her. So it’s a fight to the cure, and not getting killed by her evil sister.

While that fight rages on inside the plane. The Sky Sharks are nudging and biting the American plane trying to take it down. But suddenly, from behind. Comes The ultimate weapon. The Megalodon. Which is. A giant Megalodon, with a giant get engine, multiple machine guns, rocket launchers, and a mobile command center.

This fucking movie is uncut madness.

We have a goddamn Megalodon sky shark, flying around. Eating all the Sky Sharks, and shooting down their pilots. We have Mercenaries fighting and dying. Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers being taken out left and right, and THANKFULLY. Our sister of mercy has found the serum and is injecting Diabla with it. But will it be enough to save her. That is the question.

It’s the most out of this world and any realm of reality fight and feast for the eyeballs.

This is what hearing colors looks like.

But soon enough. It all comes to an end.

Most al the mercenaries are dead. One critically wounded.Diabla is saved by her sister and all is well. The Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers are all defeated. And their Sky Sharks are wiped out.

The world is safe again.

The dad, removes his glowing spine, eye piece and other electrical components. The girls ask him what he’d like on a seafood pizza, and sadly tells the girls to order whatever they want. Something isn’t right. You get the feeling like he is going to kill himself, end his life of wicked deeds. The girls laugh “What’s his problem?” Then Diabla’s sister adds. “Maybe he’s just old” the two laugh loudly and we fade to their father, waiting for them at their home. Puffing away on a cigar and..roll credits.

Wait what?

WHAT?!!

Oh wait there’s a scene during the credits.

Which has nothing to do with our main characters!!!!

It’s a scene of the new leader of ANOTHER race of Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers. She is talking about the time being now for the rise of the Fourth Reich! And as she gives their Nazi salute…..the goddamn Megalodon their dad used floats up behind her!

So the bastard was STILL using people as Guinee pigs for his work.

NOW IT’S THE END?!!!!

NO! There’s still MORE!! At the VERY, VERY, VERY end of the credits. There is of all things. A mock commercial. For the movie the dad watched at the very beginning of the film. The amazon with big breast riding frogs and swinging a broadsword? Its called Sky Frogs.

Then after that! We get ANOTHER commercial. This time for the video game version of Sky Frogs!!

Do we get an ending after that? Sweet Jesus yes we do! But we also get a list of a lot of “In memory of” names. Which was sad.

But I can finally say it!

The Mother Loving End!

Super freak Jesus Christ on a pogo stick with a pound of cocaine what the hell did I just watch.

I am dead serious when I say that even after just finishing watching this movie. I could not for the life of me tell you what it was about and what happened in order.

The entire thng was like. An experiment. A living experiment.

I never could have imagined any. ANY of what we just saw, in a single lifetime being in this movie.

Between the insane kills, Tony Fucking Todd being in this, The full on Labial nudity.

It’s also the first time in my life I have not only said, but repeatedly had to type out Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers.

Are there any complaints about this film? Uuuuuuuuuuh

Was it a good story? Uuuuuuuuuuh

Did I like it? Well. Uuuuuuuuuuuuuh.

Goodnight folks!

I mean I don’t. I can’t think of where to begin with this. I really can’t. There is just so much to unpack with this thing. Where to begin.

Can I really complain about it? I mean. Not especially? I mean I think I could. But. God where.

I think I need to rest. Rest and let my mind ruminate on this experience. Give my brain a mental break because that was just pure insanity and much more than I was signing up for.

Okay So. I rested. No seriously I really did. I could not for the life of me think of anything to say or how to close out that movie.

I really believe it broke me. But at the same time I can’t stop. Won’t stop talking about it. Like I WANT to keep talking about it, I WANT others to see this because I want to know if its just me or if this film has this effect on everyone. Like maybe this is the modern version of The Ring and anyone who sees it just has their minds melted.

But for the sake of this months theme and my own sanity I will attempt my best to over come this and. Discuss this, a bit. Yeah.

I always wanted to know what it was like to ride a cocaine rainbow.

This film made that sentence possible.

This film was insane with a dash of insanity on top of it. But I do feel the more its sat with me that. Though it was extremely intense in its beginning execution and ending. The rest of the film could’ve used some pick me up.

The idea and concept were fun. They really were. I mean how could you not laugh at the idea of Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers riding Sky Sharks.

But I feel that, in the end. Much like Iron Sky. The joke, the idea, the concept. It needs substance to keep it going otherwise it runs out of steam. So this movie, I mean it was entertaining and absolutely a film I can say surprised me, offered a unique one of a kind experience. But outside of the sharks and slaughter. There wasn’t much else.

The back story was interesting but it didn’t really go anywhere to be honest. It mildly filled in the blanks but ultimately didn’t offer much else. It almost felt like perhaps the people who made it tried too hard, or didn’t entirely grasp it themselves. Like maybe it was just more than they could handle. If that makes sense.

Watching the movie honestly is at times very fun and completely what the fuck. But when it isn’t trying to be. It’s like a music video. We are shown events without giving much else to them. Things happen without words and when we get those words. They seem. Oddly, vacant.

I don’t want to say it. I really don’t because I feel it’s a lame excuse. But I really can’t think of any other way to put it so, forgive me. But The film honestly feels foreign. Like. It’s just very. German.

Let me explain.

There is a shark movie I really love and is truly dumb but entertaining. Cruel Jaws. The film was made by Italians and was another Jaws style rip off. It also had a LOT of ripped off material and entire sequences from Jaws. The dialogue was off because they were writing what they thought was how Americans speak. Which came off really awkward. But funny too. How events happened and played out? Also awkward. But I am sure it made sense to them. A lot of Italian films are like that, and they either end up entertaining for bad reasons. Or they can end up like Contagion and put you to sleep at times.

This film felt a bit like that.

Actually it felt a LOT like a sequel that doesn’t get a lot of love and understandably so.

Thankskilling 3.

Thankskilling 3, is a weird fucking movie. It has a lot of visuals and dubstep music, mixed in with a puppet trying to find their purpose, and Turkey being Turkey. The movie had insane moments. Gross out fun characters, and jut really really weird scenes. It wasn’t at ALL like the original and it through some fans off. Because they were expecting more the same from the first one. Instead they got a puppet spirit journey, and a Turkey cooking machine straight out of someones nightmare.

It was still entertaining. But a really weird trip.

That’s what this film feels like.

You watch something like Iron Sky and you get the joke. The joke is over pretty quickly. Nazi’s in Space, on the moon. The movie is largely forgettable but it had parody moments that made you laugh or at the least chuckle. Then moved on to something else entirely.

This movie was sort of the same. Nazi’s on flying sharks. Okay you have my ass in a seat ready to laugh. But the joke can only be stretched so far, The story was there, just told in an odd way. A very visual way and bordering artistic vision. Which is odd for a film listed as a comedy. But again it has that same vibe and feel as Thankskilling 3.

The story really could have used more. More of everything, and less the music video style maybe. Like the dialogue when it happened was less actual dialogue and more information dumps.

Like truly bad films way back in the day would follow almost similar steps where a lot of action smacks you in the face. But then you get 10 minutes of dialogue. Not talking. Not expanding the story. Just. Dialogue. The difference is , when your talking in a film. You are engaging the other actor/actors, and furthering your story along. You are telling your story and setting things up while things are still happening around you. That’s why films like the ones we’ve watched would intercut between talking and progressing the story “Hey so I think we should investigate blah blah” and “Yeah so I went to the beach but I couldn’t find our group. All I found was”, you have those scenes, then you cut away to more action. The shark or monster killing, stalking. Reminding people its there and doing something. Otherwise you put people to sleep because you wanted to tell the longest story.

The movie had the most insane opening and it was hilarious and gory. But when it ended and we followed Diabla and family. It screeched to a halt and the backstory, while kinda funny. Didn’t carry over what it setup. It wasn’t as funny but still chuckle worthy. But they followed it up with even more of the same, it took a long time to finally get to more of what the beginning offered up. It was absolutely insanely worth it yeah. But it just didn’t feel like it lived up to what it started with.

Could it have been better? Yes, it could’ve used some better scenes of character or story building. Tell us something more about the sisters. Build their characters up and let us know them. We got to know everything about their dad. But little to nothing about the sisters. Explain why they were so amazing at combat, what exactly they did for their fathers company.

Even exploring the ship. Which they never really explained anything about. It just happens and is there, we just had to sort of fill in the blanks with our own interpretations. Again its like a story told through music video. You get the bits and pieces. But you don’t get he whole story. You visually are told one, but it’s not the story you expect to be told, it’s the one you are shown.

That’s why it felt a bit foreign.

I was really hyped for this movie and as it went on, I just went from laughing and excited to, engaged but marveling at the absolute weirdness of it all.

The music was great. Weird at times but really even the country music which sounded a bit eh at times. It all somehow fit, was used appropriately for the mood. But like. It was just really good. The techno, the weird in between inserts. It all somehow worked.

So I give them credit. I really do. It’s just. Man this movie.

I want to write an entire year long paper on this film, just dissecting it and digging into it. I want to find every behind the scenes element I can. Deleted scenes. I want the scripts. I want to talk to the director and crew. I want to know what their vision was, it was a cocaine rainbow of madness and tits, or if something was left out. If they struggled, if they embraced it.

That’s how you know the movie got you. I really can’t explain it other than it was a unique experience I am likely never to have again, I genuinely pray not. But I mean that in a very complimentary way.

It’s unique, it was entertaining for the most part. The parts where I laughed, I would laugh at again and watch with many, many people. Absolutely. But I’d still feel it could use more. More of what I don’t know. Certainly not cocaine fuel that’s for damn sure. But something more. If this film had more comedy in it, more visual gags mixed with horror. It might have hot that spot. But instead it hit an entirely different spot for me, and I still enjoyed it.

Do I think others will get that same hit? I have no idea. Just go along for the ride. I say this after all the insanity I witnessed and am now speaking and I feel like I am an axe wielding madman bleeding from the eyes in a trench coat breaking through a diner window and asking, “Do you read Sutter Cane?”

God what a horrific reality we would live in if this movie made you a part of In the Mouth of Madness.

I got nothing else in the tank. Even after sleeping on it and thinking on it. Even showering and trying to reason it out. Sometimes, things just exist without reason and we have to accept them. This film is a bottle of high octane insanity injected into your brain. Like the song Comfortably Numb. I’m sure if you played The Wall with this movie it might line up.

But in our reality. I say check out the film. You are promised never to find something as insane, as sudden, surprising or that unique. Featuring sharks bred for flying, mounted with jet engines, machine guns, missiles, and piloted by Zombie Nazi Super Soldiers.

What more could you want?

And tits, and . Well yes.

So that’s Sky Sharks. Check it out, thank me or not. Lets gather and talk about it when you do. I’m serious.

Tomorrow will be the close of this month and I am genuinely feeling down. I’d love to keep it going but I also feel, ESPECIALLY feel after this movie, I need a break. But maybe something more will come of this. As for tomorrows last film? It’s going to be less insane, But still full of what the fuck and why.

I sincerely hope so because more of this just. Can’t exist in our world.