SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 26 Dam Sharks!

Day 26 Dam Sharks

Those dam sharks!

Dam sharks, get off my land!

One thing I never could stand living in Arizona, all the dam sharks!

I have had it with these damn sharks on this dam tour!

All of these things, we do not hear in this movie. Unfortunately.  I really do mean unfortunately. It could’ve been a treat, but alas. Here we stand. Counted and saddened.

Well actually yes on the sad part. Not because of this movie, no. But because we are now getting down to the final 4 films  after this one. I’ve actually really enjoyed writing these reviews. I also look forward to not doing them every night and driving myself mad finding the time and 3 hours to do so. If anything it makes me want to do a shark podcast, like my sister and I had talked about. Hell it made me want to make a shark movie so. Yeah. Gonna miss this, unless I inject myself with shark DNA and find a way to further my madness.

But for now. We endeavor to entertain and delve into these 30 films. So let us just cannonball right into it and dive on in, to Dam Sharks.

Dam Sharks

Tagline: These Maneaters Really Give A Damn!

Synopsis: After a gruesome shark attack on a fish and game expert in the most unexpected place-an inland river- the local forest ranger, Kate, sets out on a mission to uncover what happened. What she discovers, however. Is something far more sinister.

Well doesn’t that just ooze with possibilities. This is, Well. From the trailer alone, an odd film. It’s labeled as a science fiction, horror, action. But all I see is comedy. So we shall await judgement and hope for. The. Best?

Well one thing you can hope for is never to go diving around shark infested waters. Because you are always likely to have leaping sharks.

This lady going diving in her new frilly bikini thought she was safe, diving from cliffs into a local river. She was wrong. DEAD wrong.

Because she dies and, and there’s a shark.

There are a LOT of sharks in this damn river. Like a wave of sharks, A damn assload of sharks. A damned dam bursting with sharks.

And she meets one in a perfect pairs display as she dives from the cliff side and a shark flourishes out of the water, picking her up and landing gracefully with her in mouth back down into the river. Where she is immediately passed around and torn apart by a community of sharks that actually factually rip her in half.

That’s the intro to our movie!. Comical text DAM SHARKS! After a save chomping and taring of a persons bloodied corpse. They did not skimp on the gore, but they skimped on the shark CGI. Well that’s not fair. It’s perfectly adequate what they did with the shark CGI. All these movies seem to go for the same model shark anyway.

So yes, our first kill down and now we can bring on the comedy of our horror action scifi!

Which comes in the form of a diver talking to his fish and game gal pal, making jokes about beavers while he investigates a couple of dams, with such highlights as “I’m gonna take a look at your beaver”  and her telling him it looks like the beaver population has dropped, with him responding, “Yeah it definitely has in my neighborhood”

I’m all for a good pussy joke, but try and set a bar for them. You gotta put some work into it, Don’t just flop around like a fish out of water and hope its funny. But hey, the man is punny. And shark bait.

Holy crap I was actually right! Moments after I wrote it, he dies! Horribly in fact. I mean like. Swung around snapped apart and put on display.

No seriously these sharks are serial killers and they are displaying him on an alter of man meat.

Lets back it up a bit. He was investigating the beaver dams and wondering why there were no beavers. Just a lot of empty nest. Then he swims closer and notices, within these nest. There are human limbs! Feet, hands, torsos. All jammed into parts of the dams. He’s immediately set upon by the shark horde and returns to his boat screaming. His friend tries pulling him up into the boat greeting us with the classic “You got no legs!” pulling a torso out of the water gag. A shark immediately nabs him and pulls his body back down. The shark violently chews and thrashes with him in his mouth. Moments before impaling his body into the beaver damn, along with the other limbs now on display.

I gotta say. This is a lot more horror than I was expecting and it’s a nice turn.

However the comedy is. Well. There.

While the shark killings commence and our fish and wildlife lady is traumatized by seeing her friend torn to pieces. There’s a camp nearby. Which is having a team building workshop. This is the source of our ‘comedy’ and it sincerely is hit or miss.

For example. A dorky boy tries talking to the hot middle aged woman helping run things and she doesn’t pick up on his so subtle it isn’t there flirting. So his friend tells him that was brutal and he needs to up his game so he can get hot chicks like that. Otherwise he has to worry about serious competition. So he points to a guy in sweatpants, a shirt, and big 80’s glasses. He takes them off to admire a lady passing by, and. There is another pair of sunglasses behind the ones he took off.

Yeah….

Yeah.

As they get ready for their adventure with Horizon tech is about to begin with their paintball war. The richest boss man in the world is given a quick clothing change montage as he slips on all back, gloves, a tactical backpack, and. He’s ready for action.

This is going to be the bane of this films existence, I can feel it.

Well we needed a few more characters in this, so we get a redneck. Because well. It’s the woods, there’s fishing, and sharks. We need a redneck. We get the reddest of rednecks. We get a near red green redneck. The man is lining the water around himself with explosives. He’s loaded his shotgun, both barrels, and he’s got his fishing pole at the ready. Just in time for two yuppies looking for the best fishing spot to roam by on their boat. Well he don’t take kindly to folk like that, so he tells them to get outta his fishing hole! They try telling him he doesn’t own the river. But his double barrel shotgun says he do!

So fearing Banjo music and a redneck in the woods, they wisely leave. I would’ve liked a little bit more with this man, any man that fishes with live explosives around him is a man with a story worth hearing. While you aren’t bound and made to hear it.

But enough of that. We have awkward people doing paintball waring to check in on. Which if you were used to late 80s early 90s comedies, you will be used to these type of old running jokes on places like this. Seriously it used to be a thing just like kids challenging each other to ski races at Ski resorts for money and the affection of the popular girl. There will be romance, there will be pathetic attempts at humor, and someone, likely the cool guy or the quiet person at work will turn into a mercenary. And there will always be a woman who is a marksmen compared to the others.

I mean even Friday the 13th Jason Lives did a bit about the whole office workers going into the woods and doing paintball fighting, taking it seriously.

Well It appears I was semi right. It’s not the quiet guy going crazy. It’s Greg McCool taking people out claiming he’s a sniper. I can tell you from experience, the genetic painball rifles they are using, are not known for their accuracy at any distance. But that’s neither here nor there. He takes out a lady who spots the other teams flag just when she thinks she can get it. He shoots her in the head which she rightfully complains about. But’s he’s just so damn cool he doesn’t care. He just makes jokes about how good he is, and what a silent sniper he is. She sets him up for the joke “Your Canadian, I thought you guys were supposed to be nice.” So he tells her “We are!” then shoots her several times in the back as she walks off. “We only shoot moose haha”

I want to cry.

I want to stop this movie, but we are going to give it a shot. We are near 20 minutes into it and we have very little story, a lot of jokes that aren’t working, and only a few shark sightings. We need more. MORE!!

And we get it.

We are back with our redneck friend! Well maybe we can learn something here!.

NOPE!

Does he die? No.

Does anything worthwhile happen?

He’s enjoying himself until he spots a couple of fins in the water that don’t belong to any fish he’s ever seen. So he grabs his shotgun and takes aim without question or pondering. This is his river and he’s gonna fight for it, because these colors don’t run!

Actually they do. They really do. Especially when you have sharks in the water you are balls deep in and need to escape to retain said balls.

So after a quick shootout his ass is flying out of the water. Something is not right, and he wants to get to the bottom of it. I suppose I don’t really know.

Even he doesn’t know, He runs into our lady fish and wildlife worker. She tells him about the shark attack she witnessed. About the dramatic drop in water levels. The two are sympathizing with each other. Realizing they have a monumental problem on their hands. They got sharks in the river, and one known person dead. So they need to contact their ranger station, get the authorities out there and get things taken care of!

Which isn’t going to happen. Redneck has no dang phone. He’s off the grid, all he’s got is a radio. But it’s a good radio!

So she uses It to contact her ranger station. But no one answers because the ranger is out fishing. So of COURSE he dies!

Quickly but not violently. So reporting Mark’s body will have to wait.

But she has no time to wait! I like the attitude I just pray she sticks with it because we need SOMETHING TO HAPPEN!!

What we get is a bit confusing. She’s telling Redneck man she needs a favor from him. She needs him helping her to clear the river and make it safe. He can think of many reasons not to do this, and list them off, Everything from I aint got time, I don’t want to die, to “Not my problem, I helped you already. So she guilts him and sighs, “We’re going to need weapons.” This instantly changes his position from hell no, to hell yes. Seriously, she mentions weapons and the guy gets an immediate hardon for murder and firepower.

He's a redneck. It fits.

At any rate these two are off to a Ford truck and gathering dynamite because. Well the man fishes with dynamite.

Her plan is a simple plan. They follow the river upwards, and clear any people out they find, and take out sharks as needed. Or maybe blow a dam up or two. It’s kind of vague. But the main thing to remember is there is sharks, and there are people. There is only room for one of these to survive.

 But who cares about that story! We got a more important, personal story to tell. Involving co-workers, doing team building shit. So with our innocent lady peppered with paintballs, she is out, As is our nerdy guy. The one who seems pretty mopey about his job and place in the world with a five o’ clock shadow, who just might happen to have the feels for a certain innocent lady.

Like I said, this fits an old dead trope that was old and dead when it became a thing.

So we learn he’s a programmer, He made. Tech programs that are pointless, Though one he made that determines the grade and softness of toilet paper sounds interesting in a ‘why would you waste your time on this, but someone would but it’ way. We also learn this poor girl is the unlucky soul who has to write out the company letters and inform 70 people at this work retreat that as of today, this day. The day they are armed and fighting. 70 of them will be without jobs. Where these 70 people are, I have no idea. We only see 8 in the beginning so. Make of that what you will. Perhaps these are the lucky ones.

No. They aren’t. The shark killings at this point would be a mercy.

We also need to further this event along because, surely it can’t run the gauntlet of the movies run time right?

I mean…right?

Fucking hell.

So we join our boss, who is a typical boss, who has an assistant. She is blonde, she is wearing an open body armor vest to show off her mid drift and top. Because she’s that kind of assistant. She is busying herself making calls, running the business her boss hired her to assist him with. Readying things for when they lay off these poor unfortunate souls. She cares not for this game. Even less for the fact her boss, is afraid of losing to his employees. So he wants to use her as a human shield. Because he is their king. There for they must protect him. Not him protect his lowly employees. Even if that’s the point of this workshop, to learn to be equals, work as a team, and that your boss cares as much about you and your place in the company as you do his. We’re all family here.

Well Greg McCool see’s their boss, and he’s holding nothing back. The guy would honestly, drop his pants and teabag these people if he wanted. He’s that into all this. Well Greg see’s the chance to nail their boss, and he takes it with authority. As our boss falls to his knees. Doing his best Platoon pose and he is riddled with multiple shots.

All of this is reminding me of Childs Play 3, where Chucky goes off to Military Academy with Andy, and they have a paintball ops they run, and Chucky replaces the red teams paint bullets with actual bullets. Yeah. I’m hoping for that here. Come on Chucky! Please.

There IS one fun moment in this. It’s not meant to be funny honestly. But it actually really was. We get moody broody loser talking to silly innocent lady. She told him about the layoffs earlier and how sad it is for all of them. The two are sitting side by side on a rock, it’s moments after shes told him and she playfully leans over nudging him “Hey, don’t be so mopey!”

Like…bitch are you for real? Lol It’s just so random and wtf. Like, what do you expect? You JUST told him a bunch of people are going to lose their jobs, and you are now poking at him for being a Debbie downer. It’s funny, it wasn’t really meant to be. But it was.

Thankfully the movie brings us back to our Wilderness explorer and captain redneck dynamite. Because she wants to clarify their course of action. Because they didn’t offer us much of anything earlier. So she explains they should just, blow up the dam. A dam. ANY dam, and drain the rivers. That’ll drain out the sharks, and kill them. Maybe. I don’t think so. But she seems pretty sure. Where did she get the idea? Our concerned Redneck ask. “Sharknado week”

Mother of god.

Well we are watching a shark movie. We need some sharks and kills so. We. We got that…yeah.

Yeah! Come on cheer up! We can get through this!

So we got a couple out ziplining. Naturally this is going to go well.

Her boyfriend makes it across easily enough, so he begins recording her with his phone. Encouraging her as any good boyfriend should. Except when it’s ziplining over SHARK LAKE!!

The shark snags hold of her thick thigh and yanks her down. But its not killing her? It’s just. Taking her for a ride. In the water. Okay why not.

Well luck is on her side. Our Wilderness explorer and her pig porking friend show up with their rifles, dynamite and shotguns. They see the danger. They have the firepower. It’s go time.

But they need to get a better line of sight. So that poor girl is going to have to handle the shark gnawing at her thigh. Well her boyfriend is a super good guy and he’s not waiting around. He see’s the zipline is low enough he can climb it across the water, and just maybe grab hold of her. Well it’s rather thoughtful of the shark to drag her over toward him before letting go. The sharks want to see how this one plays out I guess.

So he reaches out for her and thankfully he gets ahold of her! Hurrah! The blonde might live! Just with punctures in her thigh. No big deal.

Well it is a big deal because these sharks, All these damn sharks. They jump! So now it’s a game of acrobatic survival. These two need to travel along the length of the zipline back to land. BEFORE the sharks can grab them and chomp them. Meanwhile tracking these moving leaping and swimming targets. Wilderness explorer and Dynamo Dan are going to be taking shots at the sharks. It’s like a morbid Double Dare run. Only less entertaining.

Well the couple are doing pretty good. Until a shark genuinely grabs a thick mouthful of the girlfriends ass. I’m not joking. It has just sank its teeth intlo her ass. As the pig told homer, the best meats in the rump. Well the shark won’t enjoy it for long! Old Wilderness lady takes a shot and crowns the shark. Down it goes!

But it’s a double play by Team Shark! They had another shark on the field and that shark just bit the boyfriend in his head. Wilderness lady takes a shot taking the beast down. But the boyfriend is no more. Headless, Nearly headless. He’s just not having a good day and his lady screams her farewells as he dies.

But now she has a thirst for life. She must survive. For him! Totally for him. But nope! She goin down!

Down goes the thickness, down goes blonde. But she’s still struggling. She wants to live! But those sharks are glued to her thighs and shoulders. If they were missing their teeth it’d be a decent massage. Just saying. Well Smokey the redneck is blasting away, as is Wilderness lady. But nothing is working. So she. Snaps. She actually snaps. She takes aim for the girls head and bullseye. Right dead center of her forehead.

Even her redneck friend is in shock. The movie wants us to know she’s shaken by this, As it suddenly slows down and she screams out and loudly.

But enough of that. We got more to get on with here. Like those pesky tourist out fishing on the river. Yeah they’re dead too. In a weird also hellraiser way. Really it’s bizarre and just. I don’t know. I am expecting there to be a big twist in the story soon. Because there is a problem with the sharks here.

So while one friend is actually fishing and doing his best. We have his insane special kind of stupid friend. Who is meditating before he fishes. While his friend is simply using a fishing pole. This man has opted to use a large meat hook, attached to a chain, and a chunk of raw chicken on the hook as bait.

This is…beyond words.

So he of course tosses the hook out there, low and behold a shark grabs it and begins tugging. Then attacking the boat. It weirds them both out, and scares them. Like legitimately deeply frightens them. The tone shifts this movie is taking are. Surreal.

Now this is the weird part. The shark suddenly leaves. The chain goes limp. They are now okay. No one is in danger of getting knocked into the water.

Out of the water. At lightning speed. Somehow. The large hook and chain go flying back at full force and punctured through one friends throat and out the top of his mouth. He’s then immediately jerked into the water at full speed. It’s seriously a Hellraiser move. Performed by a shark. And/or a lame attempted ‘the sharks are now the fishermen’ joke. It’s just so freakishly bizarre.

So that friend is dead, leaving us one friend in the boat, standing up. As natural as the wind and as easy as breathing, a shark leaps up into the air, flips and sails down mouth open over the second friend and swallows him. Again with serious chomping and feasting.

This isn’t even the weirdest thing yet.

We are not leaving the sharks because. Well they’ve exhausted(for now) the workers retreat. So we are back with Wilderness lady and Jiggle Billy the redneck. They’re on a boat. Now. And they’ve located a giant shark dam. The shark dam is.

It’s weird. Creative, but just yeah. A little out of place almost. But this whole movie is oddly out of place. The two begin to realize as they look at the dam. The sharks aren’t eating the bodies. They’re building with them.

Yes. The dam is made up of human limbs and bone and bits of wood.

Which raises a lot of questions. Most important of them, have the sharks been at this for a while? Or just recently. Because holy moses there are are LOT of body parts in this thing. The sharks would’ve had to had been killing for a few months, hell even year to get this many limbs into the thing. Its just played off oddly because the movie switches back into horror film complete with haunting evil music. Not even in a horror comedy way. Just like, a serious horror way. Like the music really sounds hanting and the scene is very close to looking like the skin wall reveal in Jeepers Creepers.

Like horror comedy is one thing. You can sense that tone and get it. It’s a different kind of humor they usually mix in with the kills. But this is really just a weird experience. Like maybe it’d work better if the humor was more on point? But I don’t even know then.

Well our duo has setup their dynamite mostly on the flesh dam. But those sharks are slippity slappin at people Causing Redneck mountain man steely Dan to take a tumble backward in the boat and causing his beloved shotgun to fire off! Sparking the dynamite fuse. NO they aren’t killed. But the dam does get blowed up good.

Sending people parts and shark parts flying. So. I guess even though they didn’t trap the sharks like she’d wanted. At least they got a few of them? So. Yay.

A victory for Team Wilderness, a soul shattering reality for the viewers as we return to life in the working place party. Because that party won’t stop.

Their boss is a cheapskate. Which they have to demonstrate so we can have that chuckle of “Oooh that’d be my boss, because bosses be cheap.” The boss is building up their lunch, which he had catered and brought down from San Francisco. It’s energy drinks and power bars. Like he actually took power bars and put them inside peeled bananas to make it look like there were bananas as a healthy option. It doesn’t get any better as they move on quickly to their archery event. Which Innocent lady is super good at, prompting the boss to walk over and slide an arm around her, kneading her shoulder. Then looking over to nerd boy in an attempt at dominance.

Which like the humor, fails.

I am actually beginning to get it now, and understand the Mystery Science Theater episode where Joel and the bots were made to watch Hercules vs The Moon Men, and the Mads talking about their greatest experiment yet. Deep Hurting.

I’m beginning to feel it.

We are at 45 minutes in of our 1 and 25 minute movie. Our office  workers are nearing the end of their journey. Mercifully for us. They are on the final leg of their workplace events. A rafting event. Like Race for your life Charlie Brown.

So while they setup for that. We go back to Wilderness club.

They’re looking over the sharks that survived the blast. Trying to discover what it is that’s going on with them, as well as how much of a threat remains.

I am not making a prediction here. But I am projecting a hope that’d make this movie fun. They are noting that the sharks who are left. They are going back for body parts from the explosion. The sharks are rebuilding their flesh dam. But in a new location. The sharks are trying to build a stopper to increase the size of their river, and lock them into a feeding zone. It’s really not making sense, and I don’t think the movie cares. Basically we are going to do, the exact same thing we did before. Yeah.

What I think is going to end up happening. Maybe. Based on everything this movie is giving us. Is the sharks are a special breed of genetically modified beaver sharks. Or the sharks got blood drunk and banged some unlucky beaver.

Otherwise I have no idea. I really don’t. The synopsis hinted that there would be a twist of some kind toward the end of this thing. So maybe that is it. I mean why else would the sharks be building dams and acting like beavers filled with murderous rage.

It could happen, and if it does I will feel I got something out of this experience other than a deep understanding of endurance and DEEP. HURTING!

But also its annoying me that the wilderness group. They keep acting like they’re discovering something useful and that they’ll now be able to form a better, more accurate plan of action. But it is the same plan. Just on a smaller scale, and again with the hopes of trapping sharks. And I’m not struggling to stay awake, or slapping myself to pay attention either. It’s just. Really not that well spelled out. But we’re here, we are gonna blow stuff up better this time.

But. Before. That. Back to Synergy and our workers rowing rubber rafts.

Of course the boss will not be rowing. He’s got a blowhorn and is using it to shout out orders at people. This is prompting nerd boy to lose his cool. He so desperately has been wanting to let out the news told to him in confidence by the innocent girl who sorta likes him, But she wants him to cool his tits and not say a damn thing.

Well he can’t take it anymore!. He is a man pushed to the edge with his boss shouting into his ear with a megaphone blowhorn while contributing nothing. Pluss their lunch, and this entire trip sucked vinegar sweat off an old mans balls on a summer day. So he’s going to let it go!

And people hearing this. Are mildly concerned. Really. None of them are that struck or butt hurt by it. Nowhere near how Nerd rage was taking it. In fact Greg McCool is happy. Because he realizes those of them that are there at the retreat, are the chosen ones! They are the employees who get to stick around. So he’s stoked about it. Boss man liked him for this.

Nerd rage wants to rage some more on this but who cares. Words words words, small hands boss. SHARK TIME!!

Yes sweet lord the sharks have arrived and presented us what absolutely will be the one saving grace of this film. A screenshot worthy moment as one boat with the nerd crew and all the other women is attacked. All the women are picked off one by one, Leaving. One. Last. Blonde. At that moment, directly ahead of the raft. A shark leaps out high, high, HIGH above the water. Fins cutely tucked in. And then it angles down mouth open, swallowing the blonde. It is the most majestic, unrealistic thing I’ve witnessed in 26 of these shark films.

It's actually well done, executed and a 9.5 across the board for scores on the sharks dive.

Bravo.

But yeah that boat is totally screwed.

As for the boss man and his boat? They come under attack and only a few unfortunate souls go down. But not our couple-to-be, nor Greg McCool and the boss. They’re all left alive for now. For now…

Well what became of the last survivors of the never going to date a hot chick boat? Those two are on swimming for shore. Their raft destroyed from the sharks leap of grace that claimed Joline, the hot blonde the dork boy wanted.

Well. Dork boy is crying because he wants to know where Joline is. She’s dead. The shark swallowed her. We saw it.

He takes off his life vest and swims toward her empty floating life vest.

But providence is shining down upon this boy! Somehow. Who the hell knows. But some how! Joline is alive, and in one piece. What the hell movie!! Well of course she’s fine! Sure why not. YOLO.

So he goes to pull her up and save her. Just as a shark is making its way over toward them, ready to rip them properly apart. Wilderness team is back with a new boat, and shoot the shark just in time. Saving Dork boy, Joline, and Dork boys friend.

Yes Joline kisses him for saving her life. So hey, he gets the girl. Good for him.

We still have no idea why the sharks are doing what they’re doing. We have the boat with our boss, innocent girl, nerd rage and Greg McCool.

And 23 minutes left before the sweet release of fading to black.

So this boat is headed for death. Or not. They’re learning what their boss was hoping for in the first place. They are going to have to learn to work together. Imagine that. Nerd Rage is discovering his leadership qualities. Which is not unnoticed  by innocent lady.

But again, just as our team is learning to work together as a unit. They realize they aren’t moving in any direction. Just one direction. Something isn’t right. Why aren’t they moving where they want to? Because a shark is pulling a rope attached to the boat, dragging them further down river to their dam building/feeding spot. So they are officially surrounded by sharks and doomed. DOOMED!

And then it happens.

The movie went too far and got me to cuss it out.

The team is lost, hope is dying and they are in need of a plan. But there is none. The only plan they have. Comes from their boss. Who is talking about building a memorial plaque to those they lost, and using the money from paychecks they would’ve otherwise used to pay the fired employees to buld it.

Nerd rage then commits what would’ve otherwise been an innocent ‘oh haha’ groan moment. But I am in no mood.

He looks to his boss and says, “You know, I don’t know what’s worse. You or the sharks. You don’t see them screwing each other for a few dollars.”

The guy is quoting ALIENS.

The moment this inner thigh boil made the joke, I lost it, “OOooh fuck you, movie”

I just told the film to fuck itself. And not in a laughing haha fuck itself. In a legitimate go back to red box and fuck yourself.

I think I may have hurt the movies feelings. Because the boss rages out over what’s happening and this hatred directed toward him. So the sharks kill him. We are now down to Katniss the innocent, Greg McCool and Nerd Rage. Since the boats had all the gear from their challenges. That means they have arrows AND the best archer in their workplace. They also have a ton of Co2 cartridges from the painball rifles. So they are. Planning to put those cartridges to the tips of the arrows…making exploding arrows…fuck it why not. But they need a way to get the sharks attention. They need blood. Greg ask where the hell they’re going to get blood from?

Logical question.

The movie made me laugh, I guess in trying to make up for earlier. Bow girl looks at Greg’s hand, and bites him. Not even just a bite. I mean a full on chomp and ripping flesh from the webbing between his thumb and index finger. It’s insane and just so sudden. It made me laugh. They just never mind her having done this. Apparently they’re cool with her going primal.

So now these three idiots are armed and fighting off sharks. Exploding them with arrows. Whacking them with oars, and stabbing them with the severed arrow tips.

It’s…not that bad. But not that great either.

It’s a nice showdown. Until they cut away. Not to wilderness explorers no.

We have to rejoin Joline, dork and friend.

They were told by Wilderness lady to go and wait at the station for them. To stay away from the water and keep safe while they rescue their coworkers.  So they take off down the path they thought was the way to the station. Only they were on the wrong side of the river according to Dorkus. So they need to cross the river so they can get back to safety.

Honestly if you are near the station and safe. Why not stay there. They can just pick you up after.

But no. We need another action scene with these people.

So they find of all things, a long tree trunk. Stretched across the wide river. They need to walk carefully across it to reach the other side.

If you sense imminent death, you are right to do so.

So these three halfwits embark on their death mission across the river. They make it half way before Dorkus’s friend gets taken off the log and is dead. Joline loses her balance and she along with Dorkus fall down. She’s ontop hugging the log, Dorkus hanging onto her arm. He’s about to pull himself up, when a shark swallows him and takes Joline’s arm. She sits up screaming a blood curdling scream. Just before a shark leaps up and takes her down. Killing her.

These three could’ve been left alone and lived. We could never had cared what happened to them. Their story was done. But no. We had to have this, and kill them how they were meant to die earlier. It just felt unneeded and the deaths weren’t anything spectacular. Just sort of ‘oh well’.

So we’ve forgotten all about Wilderness team. And nothing is really lost doing so. We are back with our three heroes. They’ve fought off a majority of the sharks. But Greg was in too much of a kill mode so he stabs their raft by accident.

They now need to abandon the raft. Which two of them are able to do. However Nerd Rage does not. His foot got stuck. In the inflating rubber raft.

I’ve been on rubber rafts and pool toys that accidently got popped, or people let the air out of. It takes some doing to get tangled in that.  But staying cool can free you pretty easily.

Anyway. He is drowning now. Catniss  wants to save the man she potentially wants to date. But greg McCool doesn’t want to risk his life anymore. So she’s going in solo.

Until Greg decides he needs a hero moment. So he goes in and reaches Nerd Rage first.

He is able to cut him free, and the two are glad. Until a shark grabs Greg from behind and the coolest of the cool guys is dead.

So its up to Catniss to save her man friend boyfriend. Which she does.

Just in time. For Wilderness explorer and Wolf Creek redneck to come along with their mythical boat and pull them aboard.

We have 6 minutes left. They still need to blow up the dam. There has been no resolution on why the sharks are doing what they’re doing.

We’re just going to blow the damned dam up.

But not before we lose our redneck fisherman. He is gone and the movie has switched back into horror movie mode. Wilderness woman is in another state of deep shock. She just lost her last friend. But we need to blow the dam up. So time to get creative and make shit happen.

So how do you do this in the last few minutes of your movie? This is how.

You take two tanks of Oxygen. Strap venison steaks to them. And road flares. You then knock off the top compressor for those tanks to send them flying like torpedoes toward the flesh damn. You then fire your rifle at the tanks and explode the dam.

Why the venison you ask? Because they didn’t have chum, and strapping meat to the air tanks which will crash into the dam above water will attract the sharks to gather in one place. Duh.

Well they try taking their shot but. They fail. There is no ammo left. So its time for one last insane try. Catniss has her bow and arrow. Only this arrow has a lit flare on it. She fires it. It hits the tank. Flesh dam burst and sharks explode into chunks.

But as our heroes row off into the sunset, another shark leaps up to attack them. But Nerd Rage focuses his rage and stabs it. Killing the shark.

Oh and another shark swims up taking redneck mans body and swims off as deadly music plays and we are now aware a dam shark survived.

The final fucking end.

This was bad.

This was so very bad.

Like it started with the possibility of something good coming from it. But the humor was just not there. Like what humor they did put in. Was just so lame.

I mean. I don’t say this to poke at a group. But If any of you have ever had to sit through one of these. You’ll know where I’m coming from with this.

The film was like sitting through one of those family made movies by a Christian group. There are films put out there. That deal with family values and Christian themes but they try advertising them as comedies and things like National Lampoon Vacation films. But they’re made by like Christian Family Media and such.

The humor they put in those. Even for Christians is just not even there. It’s something your grandparents might chuckle at and smile. But otherwise what you get here. It’s just not there. They seemed to try. But it just comes off like an act versus something for a film. The moments I did laugh where when they weren’t trying. Things just happened and it was fun. But otherwise the rest really fell flat.

But also the themes of this thing. Oh man.

It was just so odd because I’ve seen horror comedies and they can work really well. They can be done in a way that’s both scary and silly. Look at something like HOUSE. Evil Dead 2. Those are great examples. They balance horror and comedy really well. This thing just couldn’t decide on what tone it wanted to follow. You have traumatic moments with Wilderness woman. Like she actually is made to look like she’s deeply suffering from all of this and something deeper. But it comes and goes. The stuff with the workers learning Synergy was just, it was near painful. The shark attacks felt like a blessing, and there wasn’t anyone to really route for or you felt like routing for. The thing was just not entertaining. Between death scenes that were shot to be very brutal and intense. Traumatic loss, evil toned music cues, and people screaming fighting for their lives like a horror film. Only to have silly jump cuts, attempts at humor and literal sound effect jokes you’d expect in a really silly movie.

I mean what the hell man. It was just all over the place.

I just really wish it had focused itself a bit more and things landed better.

Hell we never even found out what the deal was with the sharks either. They built that up and it never fell through. Maybe it never was meant too, but it would’ve at least made for a fun addition to the story. Something. Anything!

It’s just bad all around and I don’t like that. You could see potential there. Like I’d said before. The kills were exceptionally surprising. The CGI was about what you’d expect. But they didn’t really show much of the sharks initially. It just happened sporadically. You’d go from reserved to bug nots slap stick shark action.

But that also brought up another gripe, which had to do with the kills. Either it was to help hide the poor CGI, or it was a creative choice. I’m going to go with the first. But nearly every kill in this movie. You get an underwater treatment of the gore and further violent thrashing taring of the bodies. However it was often hard to make out because the cloudy layer upon layer of blood filter in the water. You could make out the shapes of the limbs, but anytime you’d pause the film or just focus a bit more. It was all sort of a blur.

I’m imagining it was like I suggested to hide some of the CGI, and it could’ve likely served to help keep a certain rating as well.

But overall the movie just wasn’t that good. I mean once you get me to a point I tell your movie to fuck off when it makes a silly attempt at copying a moment from another movie, you know you’ve lost.

Hell once you’ve lost your audience there’s no going back.

Had it stayed consistent, picked a lane and stuck with it, fine tuned the comedy or ripped it out entirely. Done more with the story other than the same two people deciding multiple times the brilliant strategy is to blow up the dam, but then the next great revelation is to blow up the dam, and our only hope at this point is…I got it! Blow of the dam! It just comes off like they forgot their own movies story, or god it could’ve been an attempted joke.

If its any comfort, and I mean, any comfort. I still hate Shark Huntress far and away more. But this came deadly close to dethroning that one, and Quija Shark.

Which is really, really not good.  

Not a fun way to begin our final countdown for the month of shark movies. But they can’t all be gold. Was a fun idea though.

Until the next fin pops up, don’t play around flesh dams.

At least THAT was cool.