SHARK-A-THON Day 24 Empire of the Sharks!!

Day 24 Empire of the Sharks

Well if this doesn’t put a smile on your face and splash you with entertainment. It’s probably because neither of us have seen it and we know better than to get our hopes up.

Honestly I enjoy that the art for the poster is very old school and looks like something you would’ve seen a long time back and loved just based on that alone. Which I kind of do. Now I know there will be CGI everywhere, and it has a strongly likelihood of looking like a porno without the sex. But its nice to hope, and enjoy small things. Which oddly enough sounds like a direct quote from an ex. Hm. Anyway. So we are now 24 days in on this, and today brings us what some call an official/unofficial/unnamed sequel to Planet of the Sharks. Which is mostly believable, mostly.

I mean it shares almost the same story as Planet of the Sharks. In fact it IS like 90% the same story. Just omitting the super alpha henna tattoo’d shark for a viscous warlord type. But I am curious to see, actually. So lets not waste any more time and get right into it.

Empire of the Sharks

Tagline: Mankind Just Dropped Down on the Food Chain!

Synopsis: In the future, most of the earth is covered by water and controlled by a warlord and his army of hyper-intelligent sharks. The humans are forced to pay tribute to the warlord, and the unlucky ones are caged up and kept as good for the sharks.

If this ends up being a retitling and repackaging of Planet of the Sharks, I’d laugh. But I’d also rewatch it because it was entertaining. But also laugh my ass off if they just added inserts of someone playing a warlord and CGI’ing them over the alpha shark.

But for safety sake let us hope that is not the result and dive in.

What a dive this is already. So we have a similar camp town setup, like we did in Planet of the Sharks. In fact I’d almost say this WAS Junk Town. It looks about the same honestly. Right down to the fishnet walls. The people there are all of course thirsty and starving. There is barely any water and they’ve gathered baskets of resourced. What resources and where’d they get them? Who knows. It’s really hard to say. Even harder to think. But gathered they are and awaiting the arrival of our evil warlord. Whom is arriving soon, and we are given just enough time to quickly establish our key characters. Timor who is soft spoken and apparently super caring, as we see him graciously donate his water supply for the day to a child, and we will here on out call Timmay. For reasons. And our sacred white girl with daddy issues Willow. She actually has legit daddy issues, as her father is talked about as being someone who was of importance, and in all likelihood means she’s super important. She also has a super important device which looks like the headpiece to the staff from Raiders of the Lost Ark, and makes her super special.

We see a boat, lined with skulls and skeletons from Spirit Halloween and I am pretty sure, this is a bad man. Or a man who just likes skeletons. For all we know he could be a free trades person or a school teacher.

He is the mini bad guy for the Warlord Ian Fien, we shall call him Feng Shui , for reasons.

Feng Shui’s evil man Scrim is funny. He’s a silly villain who is being over acted, and not by a first year actor either, he’s played by John Savage who I remembered from The Deer Hunter, one of my favorite all time movies. But he has done a lot of other films as well. The attitude his character has here just within the first few minutes is enough to set him up and silly versus a threat. But we will pretend he is just that.

As he arrives, he sits down on a platform and begins talking to the lowly people of this floating town. The entire time he talks to them he never once is facing them. He keeps his back to all of the people and stares off into the ocean. It’s a cool guy bad villain thing but just comes off a bit silly.

Well what isn’t silly is that this town is low on tribute they owe him. So he expects double the tribute by tomorrow. But their towns leader tells Scrim that this is an impossible task for just one day. They don’t have enough water to keep their people hydrates enough to work as hard as he’s expecting them to work, “So you are telling me you have too many people, for the amount of water I give you? Then by the power invested in me, By the Feng Shui, I shall lower your population by 10%. Go take 5 or 6 girls and put them on the ship. If you want your people back you will have my chicken nuggies” That’s mostly what he said up until the nuggies part. So they gather the pretty ladies of the floating town, and this includes our special girl Willow. Because she fights for the little people and the innocent people. This of course upsets our towns leader. This also of course upsets Scrim. So he chooses to resolve this matter, his way. In the funniest what is going on scene of the first 10 minutes. He is strapping the man to the front of his boat, and slipping on some painted power gloves with little lights laced throughout. He excitedly and happily tells us that this. Is the retribution of Feng Shui. He honestly is super excited about this and does next to nothing holding his excitement in. It also borderlines the actor just laughing more at the dumbness of what he has to do and being in this movie. It’s not that far off if you think about it, and watch him. He’s more than chewing on the scene. He’s mocking it.

So with some fancy flourishes from his gloved hands, and the lowering of a device into the water. We are introduced to our very different from Planet of the sharks, sharks. These hyper intelligent sharks as described in the movies synopsis to us. All have some kind of implant on the sides of their heads which glows green when controlled by Scrim. Each rise and fall, flourish of his hands causes the sharks to act on his whims. So the town leader strapped to the boats mast? Gets eaten by 4 leaping sharks. This begins the rest of his accurate 10% of the population cleansing as the sharks dance around with his control, taking down our favorite kind of shark deaths.

Yes. We are back to people falling over, leaping into the water and screaming while CGI sharks are made to look like they’re biting into them. Oh how I missed this, and how glad am I they kept it from the previous Planet of the Sharks. It’s shaping up to be a fun time people. Especially with a villain like this.

So as our crazy warlord takes off with his people payment, TIMMAY!! Is upset that Willow is gone. So upset in fact, he decides to take out his super secret submarine…thing. Its. Weird. But he’s kept it and worked on it, and now is the time to use it. He even invested in the thing that goes PING. He’s taking this thing under water to rescue willow, and he’s also taking a lady friend from the floating island whether he wants her or not.

Its super silly yes, but this movie actually somehow seems to have a budget which allows them more sets, Seriously We’ve got actual floating island towns and a new spiffy boat. I mean I know it likely isn’t for the Asylum, but production value does seem to be hittin up there a bit more this go round.

What isn’t hitting this go though, is TIMMAY and his rescue.

If ever you needed a representation for the gamer meme “Reload from previous save” this would be it.

TIMMAY pulls his super sub next to the warlords parked boat outside his floating fortress of Doom. His plan. Is to get out, swim to the dock. Take out a guard and then stealth his way into the base and save his lady Willow before she is taken inside the fortress.

The moment it fails is the moment step one with the guard begins. He’s immediately spotted in the water by the dock. Our guard swings an Axe at him and shouts. TIMMAY is able to toss the guard into the water, noisily. Alerting all the nearby guards. So they RUSH putting the ladies inside, including Willow, they send out a ton more security and TIMMAY retreats back to the ocean as if waiting to lose agro and try again. However his lady friend in the submersible see’s this and rushes to pick him up. Which gives us a scene I didn’t know I needed in my life, but we are getting. Under the docks of this fortress. Which is proving to be an actual fortress. There is a set of actual iron jaws doors. Which when opened unleash an army of intelligent sharks. It’s like future Mr Burns releasing the hounds.

So his rescue attempt failed, and now they are being chased by super smark sharks. Which I am waiting still to learn of their super smart feature. As so far all I see are sharks with glowing implants. But we still got a lot of movie ahead of us.

Speaking of, I forgot to share the name of the town they attacked in the beginning. Surprisingly it isn’t Junk Town though it looks like it. It’s actually Caratoa. A play on Croatoa. Which you should only ever shout out when confronted by ghost.

So TIMMAY returns to Caratoa with his friend and submersible, defeated. But he wants to try again! Because that Willow, she’s a dish and he wants to keep her safe. But also she of course has a legacy behind her, and prophecy. She’s not like The Mother of Dragons. She’s actually the Mother of Sharks. I’m nearly not joking.

Her father, as it is explained to us by several different people. Was a prophet and a leader. He saved people at the beginning of the worlds flooding by…calling sharks. Yes. What Scrim Scram does with his power gloves, her daddy did with his voice. Or something. He could talk to sharks by calling them, controlling them. He also had a sun stone, which possibly gave him super cool powers. It also helped him tell the time. In a far more complicated way compared to using a sun dial. So as she now inherited this Sun stone timex watch. She too has these powers. But! Does she have the power to call and control sharks?!

We shall find out the closer we get to the end of the film.

Again I like this kind of Asylum film. We’re getting actual backstory. We have floating sets. Dirty filthy looking people that I’d buy as their characters, and it’s all shaping up to be a fun time good ol movie. Why can’t this happen for all of them?

Yes it still looks like it could turn into a porno. But like a softcore Cinemax one. Not a parody.

So what do our heroes do now to save the lady Willow? Well they need to barter at the trades port apparently. A nifty set I kind of wish we’d seen in Planet of the Sharks. Which. If I am not mistaken, at this port? We see a familiar face FROM Planet of the Sharks Our beloved Radio guy, Mr Lookout. Well glad he made it here. Honestly I’m still stuck waiting for more ties between this and Planet of the Sharks. I mean hell its by the same director who also filmed it and wrote it, and dreamed it. But again..we will see.

AND WAIT AND SEE NO MORE!!!

My eyes, they see our queen! The lady taken from us too soon! A true Beltalowda! She live and breath! TO POCHUYE KE?!! She real bossmang and she live kopeng mi!

Our now second rate heroes arrive at this floating trades port and are immediately asked to hand over a bag they have for inspection. But the bag has all their trade goods inside. They since TIMMAY is a simp and take the bag from him, hiding inside the trade bar. But immediately this tough man is tossed out into the ocean as are two other figures and out comes walking our warrior princess and leader of the belters! She shows off a piece of jewelry from the bag, saying she’s claiming it as hers for her troubles and dealing with that thug, but hands off the rest to our friends. It is NOT just a random appearance. The two acknowledge she is a legend, “Do you realize who that was?” TIMMAY nods trying not to wet himself in excitement which trust me it appears a difficult task for him.

But she lived! She somehow survived the shark attack in the first film! IT IS her, and her character! How dare I say she somehow survived, she might find me and slap the spit out of my mouth. Of course she surived! That’s what I meant.

But she doesn’t linger for long. She has a life you know. And people to smack around. But man that was a fun cameo.

Instead of following her, unfortunately . We are introduced to a new badass for this movie. See we’re doing the classic “I’m assembling a team” bit. So we are getting our first badass. A tough no nonsense blonde who. Is at a competition in the bar for shoving your head in a bucket and seeing who can hold their breath the longest. I small part of me, the alcoholic side of me, was hoping it was who could empty the bucket of booze before blacking out. But that would just kill people.

So our blonde wins the contest against 3 others and is paid handsomely. Until her no good not longed for this film agent takes the money and informs her she will keep taking peoples money by winning this contest until he tells her to stop.

So TIMMAY is going to tell her about Feng Shui’s fortress, which is called Hawksbill Fortress. Not the name I was expecting but, it works.

I should also say this film has as the previous Planet film. A pretty decent soundtrack. Its mostly guitar riffs for the bartering town. But they’re doing it all themselves and its pretty damn fun.

Luckily for our heroes, all the people they need for their crew appear to be here at this porn. It’s the Mos Eisley of water towns.  So far we have water girl, we have a tech man working on a tech air mask who also enjoys explosives as a hobby, and gambling man who. Has good gambling memory skills?

But! Most importantly now. They need a captain. They need a captain and a boat. They need a captain CRAZY enough to take them to Hawksbill Fortress. They’re asking Miss Belter! But she turns them down! She knows a death trap when she hears one, and as she says, “I don’t plan on dying again today”, We will be missing her on the sea, but now they STILL need a new captain and ship! So they go from one captain to the next ending with ANOTHER familiar face! Captain Barrick is back!

He's drunk as ever and he ALSO is not willing to die today. It’s actually pretty funny and true to his character. He repeats their plan back to them and simply says “That sounds crazy, and we don’t do crazy anymore” The man helped save the world last time, he isn’t going to take on a Mad Max warlord this time.

Yes I am loving this movie and the fact these characters, playing their characters from Planet of the Sharks are here does make me happy. It’s sort of a sequel, but now I’m getting it, that it’s a sequel in the same since that Desperado was a sequel to El Mariachi. When it was more of a big budget retelling with the original cast and new cast combined.

So I dig it, a lot.

Thank you for this movie.

So what do our crew do without a captain or a boat? Well they prove to TIMMAY that his faith in hiring them was not misplaced. They procured a boat. Without its captain.

They stole it. And knocked out the captain.

What more though? The boat they stole, turns out to belong to the Feng Shui! It even has cargo meant for their fortress! What fortune is this!

Well it’s not really fortunate so much as it is a heap of trouble. TIMMAY has radio’d the fortress and informed them he has their boat. If they want their boat back? They will surrender the hostages, all of them. They of course don’t take TIMMAY seriously, and instead counter offer him. If he returns their boat. They won’t kill the hostages. This puts TIMMAY in a tough spot. Which is about to get tougher.

Fen Shui is not a happy man, as Mr Scrim discovers. The boat that was taken from them, has cargo of theirs. Which our band of specialist kept. Because they are thieves by trade so, they are out for whatever they can get. This cargo they kept, is a super conductor thingamabod which can power their fortress without the need for slaves. Which is good news for the slaves obviously. But bad news for everyone else considering they have an army of sharks.

Well now that they are aware their precious cargo is in the hands of TIMMAY, they have a new counter-counter offer. Return the boat and its cargo, or else they’ll destroy Caratoa and kill the slaves.

Well that’s a real humdinger of a situation forming.

So what will they do?!

We’re 40 minutes in on our hour and a half venture. Something has to happen.

Well of course this freaks out TIMMAY. His friends and entire loathsome shit town will be destroyed and hundreds of 20 of peoples lives will be lost. So of course he wants to cave in and give Fen Shui and Scrim the device and ship.

But thankfully for us, his crew are not betas. They are logical minded thieves. So they inform TIMMAY this is of course a bad idea. How bad? Well “If you give them the device, that will allow them to no longer need slaves to power their fortress? What will they need the people for then?” They make sense. They make a good point.

TIMMAY however is a special kind of stupid. His one and only concern, is Willow Ufgood and her blonde locks. He’s also a weak ass piece of jelly. So he’s trying to bargain with Mr Scrim and Feng Shui. Which his hired band of mercenaries tell him is a lost cause. They know it’s too late, and they know he is just going to get people killed by caving in. But TIMMAY don’t care. He does however wonder why his mercenaries keep telling him it’s too late now. So he ask them what they might mean by it being too late to deal with the warlord and returning his goods.

Well. This requires us to push down on the breaks and explain something that somehow the movie glazed over and we are now being informed.

Okay so. This will seem odd if you didn’t catch it. Because they opted to show not tell. But, apparently when Scrim told him to return the boat to them and they will spare the hostages. TIMMAY decided to do it! It was a quick scene where everyone is looking at TIMMAY, and his lady friend shakes her head at him. They go from standing on the boat. To watching a boat leaving. So that’s your scene of him deciding to return the boat to Feng Shui and Scrim.

The boat makes it to them in record timing. Scrim calls them back and tells them they will now attack Karatoa if they do not return the cargo stolen from them. This confuses TIMMAY. As they returned the boat and cargo. That was the impression we all are/were given.

But that is not the case. Instead. Our mercs, they are thieves by trade. So they kept the cargo and goods. Replacing it with trash.

So TIMMAY proposes they bring the good back to them. Just send the boat and they can have it. But again they said, it’s a little late for that. What they meant wasn’t just that they took the cargo. But their tech guy, and explosives expert. He also rigged the boat with explosives and a timer.

Which upsets Tim, Tim TIMMAY to no end. The guy did not know what he was signing up for, with hiring mercs apparently. It’s shaping up to be one of those “Look I wanted to do this peaceful and super easy which totally would happen with a blood thirsty warlord, and I can be tough, like real tough even though everyone thinks I’m quiet and weak, but now you guys will make him mad!”. It’s a trope yes. But here with this character. He comes off more as wishy washy.

You hire a band of mercenaries to help you storm and take down the fortress of a well known and feared warlord. He hires them knowing it will take a lot of luck and action to pull this off. But when an opportunity comes along to bargain with them, he acts tough, thinking they’ll cave to his demands. And instead he caves the moment they threaten to kill blondie and the others. Even when the mercs you hire try to tell you that your position is far more powerful than theirs is and they won’t kill the people they need to keep their machine running. But you do it anyway. Then turn full beta simp when they call back asking for their cargo back. So when you find out your mercs you hired to fight him and storm the place, Want to fight instead about them doing the things you hired them for? It’s a bit confusing but he is a weak character.

Its just usually, in these moments. The character sticks to the choice, and doubles down on the do anything it takes. Which he has. But now he’s backed down to the weak character again. It doesn’t really fit, and it could become annoying.

In fact it REALLY feels it will if he doesn’t stick to one side.

So learning about this, and the explosives on the boat. He naturally freaks out. In fact he’s so freaked out, that he warns. WARNS Scrim to get his people off and away from the boat! Scrim understands from his tone there is trouble. So he races out to warn his people to get off the boat, but it is too late. The boat goes boom boom and is gone. Along with whoever was on it.

This pleases our tech and explosives expert. It terrifies TMMAY, and Scrim along with Feng Shui are rightly upset. So much so, that they declare they will kill everyone now. So TIMMAY is super scared and pissed. He’s pissing himself and upset. Because the explosives guy did what he was meant to do, and that’s use explosives.

He even reminds TIMMAY “You hired us for this, so. We did what we were supposed to do. You want to fight this guy so. We’re fighting”, But timmy is not accepting this. “I don’t do things like this. WE don’t do things like this.”, Apparently he really had no idea what he was signing up for.

To be fair though, I guess it would be considerate, well. Okay largely considerate if your explosives guy, who loves seeing things go boom. Actually told you his intent to make something go boom. Like it really could help things in the future.

But this is the world they live in now, and so TIMMAY’s friends shall have to die. So who goes first?! Well they’re sending Willow to the shark pit.

The shark pit is just a body of water they let the sharks loose into. They put ‘food’ out there on rubber tire rafts, and let the sharks take them. But since they are super evil, they need to control the sharks at all times. Otherwise the sharks might decide, in their hyper intelligence. That they want to let them live, or they just in all real shark science. Don’t find us appetizing.

So Mr. Scrim slips on his powergloves, but our Mother of Sharks stares back judgingly. SUPER judgingly and with a little hum of her heart. The sharks aren’t responding!! Which rightfully weirds out the bad guys. How can you perform evil if you don’t have your mind controlled sharks, because someone ELSE’s mind is controlling them? Super frustrating!

Well they can’t kill Willow, so she’s going to be held in a cell. Feng Shui tells TIMMAY if he wants his friends alive, he will meet Scrim at a special meeting place. Deliver the stolen goods in tact with NO tricks! Then he can have his best friend and the others back. So we are..back to square one of the plan. Alright rock on. Progress. I GUESS!

But something good is coming of all this. Even though TIMMAY is beside himself and unable to make heads or tails of things. He only knows he wants his lady friend back so she can continue ignoring him. Only now that people seem to be aware of her abilities, and that an actual attack was successfully carried out against the shark lords AAAND the discover of the tech they have. We are getting more volunteers for this mission that no one wanted a part of before.

Including their new captain volunteer.

Miss queen of the F’n Belters!

That’s right. She’s leading the charge and ready for crazy battle time against the earthers.

How-ever.

Mr. moody poopy pants TIMMAY, does not want her help. Because she and others, consider this a blow against Feng Shui, a movement against his tyranny. TIMMAY just wants to get his friendos back and look good in front of Willow. “I don’t want to be part of your movement.”

This fuckin guy.

He is getting free mercenaries help, from top people here. TOP people. All ready to form an army and take on this guy, who’s been taking families and friends from all over. To power their generator to make fresh water. Which they lord over and sell to others at the offer of tribute. I mean come on. How can you not see the larger picture here and the mountain of good boy points that would earn you with a lady who wants to fight like her father did and stop this mad man? But that also could be why some people never ask out that one person they really like. Confidence my main. Learn it. Live it.

I mean seriously he has to know this, he can’t be that stupid. If those people can gain the ability to make their own water, the one true power and currency in the world now. CLEAN water. They’re all fucked.

But the closest he comes, is deciding fine. He will accept the help of the belters. And her ship. IF, they all work as a team. No more lone wolfs, no more blowing things up without his knowledge and or consent. So if that’s the best they can get out of him. They’ll take it.

So everyone is strapped and ready to go. They got weapons, tech. And battle music leading us to our tense encounter with the master of the power glove. I’m ready for it.

Unfortunately the movie isn’t. yet. It wants to give up a bit more story. Which is always welcome. I mean even if the movie had a bump or two where it felt like being back in school and having your teacher suddenly ask you about the video to make sure you are paying attention only to have a brain fart. It’s still good, I’m with it. Just like the last one but a bit more centered it feels. This one is letting scenes happen.

So the story? Well our local Walmart Warlord Feng Shui. He’s going to talk with Willow, and try to discover how she is able to control the sharks. Unfortunately for him, she does not talk with terrorist. So he takes a calm approach. Telling her a story. Which may or may not be true. It likely is. The story of how in the early days of the water flooding the earth, everyone fought for land and what they could get. Battles were bloody and the blood ran into the sea which drew the sharks. Him and a few thousand others were stranded and pushed off land into the water with the sharks. But one man, her daddy. Stepped up and somehow was able to call off the sharks and protect all of them.

He said that man and what he did inspired him to create the decide he now uses. To put the power of the shark in mans hands. To control the oceans. He’s very polite in asking her how she is able to do it. If its an ability she has, or device she uses. What happens, how it works. But she says nothing. Which upsets him again. So he reaches for her Timex sun stone pendent and ask if this is what she uses. She tells him its just a dumb thing her grandma got at a craft store so no biggie. He doesn’t buy it though. So when he tries to get a closer look. She glares and tugs it back. So yeah, obviously a piece of junk she doesn’t care about.

But for a warlord, dude is pretty chill and not fixed on hurting her, ripping it from her or anything bad guy related. Hell I would’ve expected him to rip it off her and try using it. But he’s being well behaved and reasonable. So he comes up with an alternative plan. A surprisingly smart plan.

“If I can’t learn it from you directly, I will take it from you, indirectly” just what the sam hell does that mean?! Well it means he’s going to watch her now, and study the device she has as well as her. Placing her in sharky waters and seeing how effective this method of shark communication or finned thwarting is.

I genuinely have to give them credit that’s a fun idea. Usually in films like this, they either revert to “If you wont tell us we’ll kill your precious friends you care so much about.” Or they threaten to kill them, torture them. Lots of stuff. But not often something this well thought out.

I like it, a lot. But Papa needs him some action now!

Which I realize how that sounds, and its staying in.

Also I’m joking, OF COURSE THEY THREATEN HER FRIENDS AND PEOPLE CLOSE TO HER!!

He’s a freakin Warlord, He’s not going to stay polite and patient!

So him and his science guy have a new idea. Which is insane and I love it. They just so happen to have a device she can wear on her head. And if they use this device, while hooked up to their laptop. His science guy can record her brainwaves and potentially discover if there are any changes when she uses her abilities that they then could teach Feng Shui thus increasing his own shark powers without the need for machinery. Making him a god!

But how will this work? Well two fold. He calls Scrim and tells him to hang a left at Albuquarque and stop at Korotoa. Then await his command to kill the town with mighty massive sharks. But wait! There’s more!

He ALSO is tossing into the water some poor old lady that talked to her like once, since being brought into this camp. So they toss her in the water and give her a choice. Command the sharks to kill this lady, or we destroy your town and loved ones!

So she has to think on it.

Honestly its funny because you assume, okay. The last minute she’ll save the lady, or she’ll command the sharks to attack the bad men. Or she might kill the poor lady to save her people. Hell the sharks could just eat the woman of their own accord and they’d fail in recording any change in brain wave activity.

Instead we get the “I douby my abilities” scene. She doesn’t want to kill this woman. But the woman tells her to do it. She’s ready to die, and she should save her friends. So Feng Shui begins an evil countdown. But as he gets down to the count of 5, she still can’t do it! She’s even crying that she is trying but she can’t attack them. Feng Shui isn’t buying it though. So he keeps counting, and just as he gets down to 1…alarms are going off.

He orders Scrim scram man to cancel his attack plan and return to base. They’ve got TIMMAY and Belters ready to shoot up the place!

It’s time for the action!

Prepare for greatness! Because oh man is this funny.

So. The good guys can’t attack them or do anything just yet. Tech guy has some tech that they can use to get a readout on the station. With this readout they can get in, rescue everyone and take out the bad guy.  But there is a catch. They need to get really close to the place in order to get an accurate reading.

They can’t get close because aside the sharks, this fortress has one single amazing defense. A catapult.

A catapult. That launches car engines and car transmissions.

They are catapulting car engines, and transmissions into the ocean.

So TIMMAY decides he will go out, on a secret vessel. Just like the last one, we have a new water tech device.

An engine powered surf board. GO TIMMAY!

The catapult takes one minute to reload. So TIMMAY just has to keep shouting serpentine and avoided the engines and transmissions.

Which he for the most part does. But its still not enough.

Transmission after transmission is lugged out at him, even the boat catches flack. But their captain is not ready to die this day. So evil Feng Shui is using his shark gloves to command the sharks out and help them fight these invaders. Which does. Nothing. Honestly it’s a bit of a let down.

But you know what isn’t? Seeing TIMMAY’s board get blasted apart by an engine! He’s in the water. It’s the sharks time to shine! Do it! You can do it sharks, I believe in you!

But the boat is there in a flash to try saving him. They are reaching out for TIMMAY, but unfortunately the one reaching out, is our explosives expert, and a shark takes him by the hand, drawing him into the water, to his death. The brave son of a bitch.

Well TIMMAY is back on board now, and the crew is a bit down. But not out! They still have a plan. They got the information they needed. They just need to get in and get the hostages, then get out. This is still salvageable. And again it sends TIMMAY out on his own and possibly to his death, so shit yeah lets do it!

His plan this time is to dive and enter the fortress through the open metal shark door. So he’s going to go directly into the water, with mind controlled murder sharks. I like it even better. Say no more.

HOW-EVER…. He isn’t going alone. The lady who can hold her breath seemingly forever. She brought a wetsuit and she’s going with him. For. Reasons. Sure why not, please don’t kill the blonde. I mean Willow is blonde and is going to survive, we know that. But you can break the blonde rule and let this one live too.

So off our brave farts go into the ocean. And what of the boat and those left behind? Well they’re pretty boned. Feng Shui did not like them circling his fortress, and even though they didn’t attack, fire any weapon what so ever, or pose an actual threat. He’s pulling out all the show stoppers. So it’s time, for his latest and greatest experiment. The Kamikaze Shark. It is a shark. Vested with dynamite all over its body, and a pressure sensor detonator on its nose. I do believe, though cannot confirm, that it may be a Goblin Shark. But its rather close.

This shark is being commanded to ram itself into the boat and destroy it.

Well, our captain and savior of our hearts. Again. Is not ready to die. So she gives the only command she can. ABANDON SHIP! Which they thankfully all do. However.

HOW. EVERY EVER!!!

Wo end up with another loss by shark. We are losing or tech man. He spoke French, and that’s about all we knew about the man.

So chaos is all around us. Scrim is yet to be seen, our heroes are dropping like flies. It isn’t looking good. Even our blonde holy diver is being pursued by sharks. Surely some good can come of this. Well it better! Because now we have sharks circling bossmang and or last lady from Crackatoe.

Well. Hope will always be there, for those who need it, and Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry was a place parents sent their kids to die. Change my mind.

So we are in the last act of this film, we need a miracle. And that miracle is going to come in the shape of a blond named Willow. The sharks meant to take out our beloved captain are in fact now coming after the very men who controlled them. That’s right Willow Ufgood believes in themselves and their magic is in full effect. She is the mother of sharks, or Sharkaleesi. Bad guys are dropping off one after the other. Feng Shui can’t help but be terrified and humbled. The captain is safe. The blonde is save. Hell even TIMMAY is safe. For now.

But things can’t always go this good. Oh no.

Willow is exerting herself, she’s stretched her magic as far as she can. So she takes a little nap. Sort of. And Feng Shui is having her body tossed into the water. “There’s only room for one ruler” he could’ve laughed super full of evil, but he did not. He just waddles off screen. But do not worry. She is going to be fine. TIMMAY knows her scent, and is part shark, So as she enters the water his senses tingle, he feels like he’s back in gym class climbing a rope again. He carries her up to the surface and she is. Just fine. Relaxed, refreshed and totes good to go. But not before the happiest evil man makes his triumphant return. Yes Scrim is back and he’s got two machetes. Ready to fight TIMMAY.

I swear this man is having an absolute blast playing this character and being in this movie. He is just over joyed and all about chewing the scenery like a cat and a box. Seriously every swing of his machetes he has the biggest smile and is making noises that almost resemble words. Before laughing. Please put this man in more roles like this.

Hell I’d love to see him in more shark movies.

And he’s dead.

What….

Yeah he died. He was about to kill poor brave stupid TIMMAY. Until Willow the Shark whisperer called a shark out to bulldog Scrim into the water. But he’s not going out easy. He stabs that shark with both machetes and gets dragged out into the water, to his possible death. I say possible death because as we learned from our captain Not everyone that dies is gone.

So now it’s back to Operation save the slaves, and possibly destroy the feng shui of fort Feng Shui.

So now the plan is to secure the components for the water device, maybe blow the place up or use it. Not clear.

And for Willow to battle Feng Shui in a Friday the 13th New Blood showdown. Sort of.

It’s really silly.

Her device the sun stone was destroyed during her amazing display of shark power. So she once again believe she is without power. Until TIMMAY tells her she is the chosen one and she believes in herself.

Feng Shui is on his boat, power gloves at the ready. He’s controlling the sharks and sending them toward her and the others. But she’s reaching her hands out and repeating, I am one with the force, the force is with me. It’s a long back and forth with sharks being aggressive on both sides. Until the amazing happens. The control units on the hyper intelligent sharks goes out. Feng Shui has no power here! But the Sharkaleesi does. She’s water bending the hell out of her powers and sends the greatest funniest damn thing. Like the movie read my mind after suffering 24 days of shark movies. Feng Shui looks up and suddenly. From the water.

From the goddamn water.

A dozen sharks leap up out of the water.

And take him down.

I’ve seen sharks leap out of the water in all of these movies. But I’ve never seen a dozen at once leap out in unison.

So once in the water the man is pure shark bait. Two sharks grab his arms, and a larger shark drives up the middle and he is no more.

The evil is wiped from the world once again. Free water for everyone, and our Shark baller, Shark caller Willow Ufgood is now learning how to call sharks using the shark paddle. From a trainer who trained all other shark callers.

And as we see her begin to splish splash the paddle and call sharks. We end the movie.

The End.

This was fun. But I do have some words on it, yeah.

Mostly it’s a small gripe. I never got the hyper intelligent shark bit from these sharks. All we did get, was a very questionable idea. So Feng Shui and his evil scientist. They devised a way. To place devices on sharks. Which allowed them to be controlled. By remote gloves. Its another theme taken partly from the first film, and I know other films have sort of played with. The idea electro signals sent out from one shark to the other is a form of communicating and they’re using it to issue orders. In Planet of the Shark we had an alpha mutated intelligent shark that was able to communicate to other sharks what to do, and they’d do it. But in this one we use man maid devices to do so. But no intelligent shark scenes. Nothing said or hinted at to give off the idea that these sharks In fact were intelligent. The closest scene we get is at the very end where Willow made an off hand comment about how she didn’t know if she was controlling the sharks, or if they were doing things on their own. But in the end it was she that was controlling them.

So not sure what happened with the super smart sharks. But it would’ve been a fun thing to play into and see what happens. Like mentioning the sharks they put control collars on were all intelligent sharks forced to do their bidding. That would’ve made the ending more satisfying. Not that it wasn’t already. But still. Just a thought.

The movie only suffered maybe a moment or two where it didn’t tell us what happened but we were left to sort of piece it together roughly. I honestly had to go back and rewind about 8 minutes of the movie to make sense of what happened back when TIMMAY went from his group being aboard their stolen ship, to then having the ship show up at Feng Shui’s and blowing up. But after I did rewind and rewatch yeah it made sense. Just it was done in a subtle way.

So things like that could’ve used maybe a bit more, just to make sure everyone got it. But again, small gripe nothing big.

The acting in this was really well done. No one was annoying or cringe worthy. They all acted. Well. They all took it pretty seriously. Which had me enjoying this, because it wasn’t played up for laughs. They were invested in their roles and it helped the story. The script was good and the story kept you interested.

But seriously huge shout out to Mr. Scrim. The dude was having the time of his life as that character and he was a joy every time he popped up. The guy was all smiles and laughs, I nearly confused him for Kevin Sorbo. Just skinnier and almost Iggy Pop looking. Which you can take any way you like.

The only actor I didn’t buy however. Though they did nothing bad. Was Feng Shui. The only way I can put it is the guy came off less like a Warlord, and more like a discount Villain. Scrim played more of a main villain type and really over shadowed Feng in every way. But the guy playing the warlord just didn’t fit right.  He seemed more like a background evil character. His outfit was a bit lacking and there just never seemed a real sense of menace from him.

Over all though this was a great fun movie. I liked having characters pop up from the first film, playing their characters from that one. I could see this being a sequel as they suggested. Either an actual sequel, maybe a prequel, or even a soft reboot sequel. It works and I enjoyed it a lot.

I’d actually hope for more in the series but its hard to know where you’d go from there. You had the planet of sharks, Empire of the sharks. What’s next. Land of the Sharks? Conquest of the Sharks? Maybe. Get in touch with me I got ideas for days.

So yes. Do enjoy this one all over again, make it a double feature, which fortunately you can buy these two together and I recommend it strongly. It was a lot of fun and definitely needed.

It’s really fun getting to explore these movies and discover them. But it’s also painful. So having sweet mercy like this is always welcome.

Until tomorrow. Don’t use hockey gloves to control sharks. They don’t like it.