SHARK-A-THON!!!! Day 23 MEGALODON

Day 23 MEGALODON

Well doesn’t that title just say a lot right there. No this is not the MEG shark comedy. Which is based off of an ever funnier trashy book series. Seriously the entire Meg book series is hilarious, It’s why I read 5 of them. They were like B movies in book form and the characters were just. Amazingly funny in their horribleness.

But yes, unfortunately that is not this. This is something far different and potentially worse. We have an off concoction being mixed and brewed, that could spell disaster one way, and triumph the other. We have an Asylum film. Which lets you know it can go either way, but will at the least include fun CGI and sharks.

It also cast Michael Madsen. Which also tells us which way this could go. If you are unfamiliar with what I mean? He’s a very recognizable actor, He also has a history of being, well. Interesting to work with on set. We’ll just leave it at that and see what we get yes? Right. Well Here’s to your health. Lets dive on in.

MEGALODON

Tagline: Danger is Rising!

Synopsis: A military vessel on the search for an unidentified submersible finds itself face to face with a giant shark. Forced to use only what they have on board, the crew has to defend themselves from the monstrous beast.

A story of terror below the surface, as only SyFy and the Asylum can bring us. So far they’ve managed on this list to pump out ahead in wins, or I’ve lost my mind and this is what madness feels like. It also takes like a peanut butter milkshake. Which is. Amazing.

So we begin on a submarine. A Russian submarine. Which is busy drilling into the ocean floor, for.reasons. But the captain is unhappy. He wants the drilling to be faster and more intense. The head lady in charge of said drilling does not share his optimistic appraisal of the situation, and tells him so.

But in soviet Russia, no. I won’t make that joke. But on a Russian submarine, you have no authority unless you are captain. So he throttles that puppy into full power and we are off to the races!

Which is stressing the ship big time, and making noises that would make anyone in a Honda Civic feel like death was inevitable, While the driver assures you it’s normal and everyone is fine. Safety is assured.

Well they did do a fair bit of good deep drilling. So points to them for that. However their drilling has unearthed from the depths our heroic beast of the film, a Megalodon. Which gets its own Star Destroyer long shot, to show us just how huge the shark is.  Well unfortunately for the Russians on the sub. The too fast, somewhat feverish drilling, has blown the drill bit and caused a lot of alarm bells to go off. They are also made aware that something is coming toward them. Something….massive.

Are they priming the torpedo pods like the last submarine? No!

They are content with getting the hell out of there. Unfortunately the Megalodon is like an underwater puppy. It sees the sub. Thinks, stick! So it grabs onto a section of the sub, immediately crushing it. Sending those inside into a rightly earned panic. Followed by hard life decisions as the captain without hesitation seals a door, dooming anyone on the other side of it to a death by drowning. Leaving himself. A very right to be judging him lady in charge, and a few crewmen.

Which finally gets our credits going.

And even MORE gifts are given to us as we are given another key to the puzzle on whether this film will suck balls in the bad way, or prove itself entertaining.

We see the credit slam onto our screens “And special appearance by: Michael Madsen” Oh no. Oh dear god no. The man they credit on the poster. Reserved for our star. Is being taken by a special appearance by.

Well again, knowing their background. It can be either a bad thing, or a good thing. For us or for the filmmakers? We shall see.

But they are shoving him out front and center right off the bat! We are on the best most elite Naval ship out on the CGI seas. The crew is gathered on deck to be greeted by and spoken down to by our Special Appearance. Who is dressed in Naval camo, with two gold stars. Sunglasses and no less that 4 rings across each hand. The man is a national treasure.

But as he drones on and mumbles through his speech, we are interrupted by a side conversation. It seems the ships radars have picked up on a signal as well. Something ALSO big in the ocean not to far out from them. So that sounds like an invitation to investigate! Or begin launching bombs.

Well the crew gets their finished speech from a very relaxed Michael  Madsen. One of the very few Admirals I’ve seen to wear ring bling and give a speech while leaning against the railing with a foot on it. He’s the cool Admiral that when catching you toking, tells you smoke’em if you gott’em and knows what clubs give the best rates on private dances. Meanwhile the rest of our officers are meeting to discuss this potential threat beneath the surface. Ideas are tossed around. Including the likely possibility it is a Russian vessel. Which we are informed we already are on pretty tense terms with Russia and we don’t want to end up beginning a war with. Well the Russians. It’s important we have a plan. Our admiral of coolness steps into the room and wants to know what the plan is! Without knowing much of anything. So they tell him. We have no plan. He’s cool with it.

Until someone actually announces they DO have a plan. Apparently one of our staff has a device they’ve been wanting to use since, forever. It’s nothing really new. But its treated like something amazing. Its an underwater tethered drone that will go out and check things around them. Perhaps it is new for Submarines but I cannot back that up myself.

So we launch this little bubble butt drone into the ocean and wouldn’t you know it? They spot a half chewed on Russian submarine.

Huzzah! Our tool found a thing! Oh no, it’s Russian! But Yay we found it! Now what the hell chewed on it?!

Well thisis shaping up to be a suddenly important last cruise for our old Ships captain while our rebellious Commander Lynch is all too happy to step over people and the chain of command to do what she wants!

I mean she already prepped and launched the underwater drone without permission or an order to do so. She’s also volunteering herself and herself alone to go on a Kirk like mission to visit the submarine and check for survivors WITH…or without permission. She’s a loose cannon! But she’s got spunk and moxie. So Commander is cool with it, and the special appearance Admiral also gives his thumbs up and “Shit the check went through, I’ll put on your dumb costume” grin.

This movie is playing things fast and loose and in the most spectacular way. They’re moving us along to get into the action. Which I am willing to bet will be more people based than anything.

We’re only 20 minutes in and every scene where someone needs to make a decision, it’s played like a Monty Python skit, someone says “I don’t know if we should do that, I’ll go alert the captain.” The moment they say it, you suddenly hear. “I am alerted, your captain heard everything.” And suddenly people realize he’s standing there. The whole time apparently. Any time new intel is learned, “It looks like it could be Russians. I’ll contact the admiral immediately to get his input.” And suddenly special appearance admiral is there, “I’m hearing Russians, okay lets do something.”

This is the most efficient naval ship I’ve ever seen.

So where the hell are we at in this thing?!

Well, Commander Lynch is volunteering to go down below in a mini sub and attempt communication with any possibly Russian survivors. The captain forbids she go alone because “Things just don’t work like that Commander.”, so they’re briefing two other people to venture with them into the mini sub launching off the side of their ship. If she finds any survivors, then they will be kept out of sight and out of mind away from the rest of the crew. Naturally this will all go perfectly fine. For an Asylum film.

We are headed underwater. Which means get ready for some world class traditional Asylum CGI.

Its not Transmorphers special. But it is a special kind of special.

We also learn a nifty factoid that MAY just come in handy later. That the submarine is retrofitted with an electrical current shield to help just in case it ever should come under attack. Which seems super duper setup for helping against shark attacks.

So our brave naval crew set out for the Russian submarine. Able to give their ship a clear feed as well of everything they’re seeing. Which is nice and shows off their fancy CGI for the film. In the form of a mostly crushed submarine, with shark bites. “I know what they look like but, I’ve just never seen those that big before. I don’t think anyones ever seen anything that big before”,

They safely make the trip down and are able to latch onto the Russian submarine. At least what’s left of it. They are able to move the survivors easily to the mini sub and before they can ask what the holy crap happened. The submarine is beginning to go crazy shaking and rocking. It apparently landed near a cliff side underwater and is rapidly tipping over.

It’s actually a pretty well done scene, especially for an Asylum film. Good action, silly CGI, and a semi tense scene. They take their time setting up how difficult it will be for them to safely detach and get out alive. But they do thankfully manage!

However now they have an ancient recently set free and eager to make friends Megalodon after them. Will they make it to the surface in time?

Well before we get an answer that that, Lynch has some questions of her own. Like just what the hell were Russians in a Russian sub doing in none Russian waters! The country best known for its sexy spies and criminal masterminds Boris and Natasha do their best to fool the stupid Americans. They tell them they were surveying sharks, and encountered a very large shark which attacked them. So everyone needs to vacate the ocean pronto.

It's also worth noting that these masters of lying and spying first had to give heated and questioning looks to each other, and receive stern looks from their captain before answering.

Which always makes your honest answers appear that much more so.

But our Commander Lynch is not buying it. She does her duty and reports back to her superiors that they found and rescued the Russians. Tells them their cover story and how its all a big log of bologna. Though soon after this is delivered and the sub is making its ascent toward the mothership. Out comes out friend the Megalodon. Showing up as a giant blip on radar for all to see. And for those on the submarine, they are greeted to its lovely big is beautiful image, as well as a playful little nip on the butt of their sub.

I mean, it would be playful if not for the fact the thing is gargantuan and would kill them all with two well placed bites.

This does give us some very fun CGI shots where the shark looks like a puppy playing with a squeaky toy. BUT

Most importantly its going to give us a fun twist in the movie that, admittedly. I was not expecting.

As the shark attacks the submarine and the ship attempts to bring them up to safety. It becomes apparent that while the shark is attacking. The ship won’t survive. So the captain makes a tough choice. He severs the tether keeping the submarine tied to the ship. Leaving the mini sub on its own.

As the ship severs the tether, the meg swallows the mini sub.

So now the movie has become a survival film. With no communication, no power outside of reserve batteries. The mini sub is low on choices, and the mothership. Is in a similar situation. They were hit by the shark as well and between that and the severed link on their end. They’ve lost power and defenses too.

Both are in similar situations. But only one has crafty Russians aboard, and a few weapons.

I hate to sound like I’m trashing them. I’m really not. It’s just honestly surprising to be watching an Asylum film that is actually doing pretty well with their story and not having it go completely bug nuts, you know? Its also an actually decent setup.

On the mini sub we have Lynch trying to learn what the Russians were really up to. Keeping things calm and people from killing one another. While trying to find a way out of the shark that swallowed them.

On the big boat you have a captain who’s trying to restore power to his boat and save their fellow sailors, while now dealing with an Admiral who thinks its time to move on with our lives and focus on the very real Russian threat.

I was expecting a full on Shark vs Navy battle with missiles and cheesy leaping sharks. This is a nice and welcome change.

So yes, our Captain is wanting to make all attempts to save his Commander and crew, if they are still alive. They begin working to bring back power and communications. But our Special Appearance Admiral will hear none of this craziness. He feels once your in the belly of a shark. Well. That’s all she wrote, your dead pal. Pluss we got the looming threat of the Russians to deal with. So this takes priority. We sail off to base, report our casualties and Russian spotting. Make no mention of a giant shark.

Captain says nuts to that, and readies to begin formulating plan “Save the semen.”. This is insane according to the Admiral. Its also incompetence on the captains part as he’s taking actions that will endanger his crew, he’s emotional, and out of his mind. So this is grounds enough for the Admiral to declare himself now acting captain.

Which does not fair well for our captain and those in the belly of the beast.

But thank god it’s the American Navy! The men aren’t going to turn against their captain. So NO ONE is going to answer to the admiral. Which prompts the most un patriotic thing from an admiral ever. But also the biggest flag waving salute to the navy, “You are telling me, you all would rather risk your own lives, on some foolish mission? Instead of return home safely?” Admiral Special Appearance coughs out, and a navy man steps forward to tell him, “We are the US Navy. We take the risk so we have a home to go back too.” And eagles sore in the background carrying American flags behind them, shooting off fireworks out their asses.

They don’t actually say that but its pretty damn close and it’s just. Well good on them I guess.

So the admiral is brought back under guard to his room.

Meanwhile on our mini sub of doom. The crew are trying to figure out how to escape. So Lynch has an idea. Remember that shark defense I mentioned before? The electro shock thingy? Well they can’t use it without power. So they’re going to attempt using the backup batteries to power it and see if they can get the shark to burp them out possibly. So its time to ram the belly of a shark!

Which they succeed in!

Well they succeed in ramming its tummy, but the charge fried their batteries and they are now useless.

As is their sub. So a power solution is needed with what little they have on board. They also need to finish interrogating the Russians. Which is hilariously bad and confusing. Lynch tells them she knows their story is bull crap and she wants the really real story.

Well lady Russian specialist, who’s name we learn is Yana Popov, She breaks protocol as she hates her captain, for reasons of him being a giant douchebag, and his earlier actions of killing off a majority of their crew earlier when he sealed the door leaving them to drown. She informs Lynch that they were drilling into something, a tech or space that the Americans use for secret American things. But when prompted why they were doing this, and what they hoped to gain? She reverts back to her love of Mother Russia. She tells them they are researching sharks and whale watching. Nothing more. She may hate her Captain, but she will not betray her country. Especially to the Americans.

So yes. Whale watching shark enthusiast Russians drilling while watching sharks and whales. But nothing nefarious what so ever.

This is not helping.

But neither is not having power so they begin resorting back to that plan. We get the power, we get a shot at freedom. Either they can travel through the insides and out the sharks backside, Or they can get the shark to spit up the semen and they escape to freedom.

They choose the mouth. It’s just easier.

Above them though. Captains got help from Officer Cheng. She believes they can distract the shark and make it easier to get their people closer. Close enough to possibly save, or. If they themselves restore power. Try and attack the shark as well as save their people. The plan? They’re going to take all the meat their galley has and dump it into the ocean. They’re going chumming. In record time both groups are repairing their power and look ready to begin Operation 2 “Catch the semen”

All the meat is being dumped into one spot. With the plan of lowering the broken cable that tethered the submarine to the ship in with it. Hoping the shark will pick up the table in the mess of meat and shock itself to death.

It’s a longshot, but its worth a try. They also realize if the shark swallows the cable and they shock it. There’s the possibility that killing the shark WILL free their friends. So everyone is on board with this naturally.

Well thankfully our mini sub is also up to the task of their own saving. They manage to get their power back also. Rather. Easily.

This is taking a less interesting turn. But it is a relatively short film but. Still.

SO with their power ALSO restored. They are ready to make a run for it. And run they do, once they realize the shark is rushing toward the surface toward all that delicious meat floating above. This is their chance. They put the pedal to the metal and perform an underwater version of the Empire Strikes back escape the meteor worm scene. Which it really mirrors entirely. Even right down to the view from within the sharks mouth and back of his teeth as they ascend forward and out its jaws to freedom.

Now, again. This is mildly disappointing. I was really looking forward to a pretty tense and possibly fun back and forth on the sub. The struggle to restore power, possibly using the Russians to help them in doing so. Having to trust your enemy for a chance of survival. The small room claustrophobia and paranoia of who is going to try and take a weapon and take over. Who will snap. Added with the ship above them trying to field solutions to this situation and coming up with something using tools on board without power or technology. That sounds really cool. But alas no.

What we get is the quick version, “We have no no power. Lets restore power and keep an eye on those Russians.” A minute later, “Okay power is back lets head on out of here.”

Just a bit of a let down but eh. We still got time and movie left. So anything is possible.

But for now, what is possible. Is failure and fun. So the semen escaped the sharks mouth. Hurray. Now they need to get aboard a rescue boat from the main ship. Once their people and the Russians are all safely out of the water. They can turn the power on back to the tether, and flood the sea with electricity. Deep frying the shark.

They managed to get most the people aboard the rescue boat. Though one unfortunate Russian falls to his doom in the water. But saints be praised. The shark took hold of the tether and is primed for shocking, along with anything else in the water. Including sailors. But they are smart and wait until no boots are in the water before frying Megalodon. Which has either killed it or knocked it out. If it killed the shark? Then prepare for a bigger meaner female I assume at least, to pop up.

Once all boots are out of the water. They throw the switch and boom shakaraka. Its jazz fins on the shark and its one fried sharky. Also being fried happens to be an unfortunate soldier who was climbing a ladder to freedom. Only to slip and fall into the water. Where we get to see him fry comically. Prompting the captain to turn off the electric shark rope.

As he does. The shark turns belly up and sinks to the ocean floor. Our surviving Russians, along with Commander Lynch and her men are brought back safe and sound, minus the deep fried man.

So its time for interrogation. A funny one at that.

Our captain is not playing games. He wants to know why they were down there, and he’s going to start with the Russian captain. But Lynch is still a revel who doesn’t care for the chain of command. She’s teling her commander. Out in the open, where everyone can hear them. Including the Russians who understand English, “Sir, You should interrogate Yana Popov. She is afraid and willing to talk I think. Just put me in a room with her, I think I can get her to talk. She’s afraid of her captain so she wont talk in front of him.”

Yana gives them both a weird look and says, “I am right here, I can hear you all. Did you just forget I can speak English?”, She’s right to respond how she did, and its hilarious. I’m glad they did it, because seriously. That’s a conversation you should have in private with your commander. You don’t tell your boss ‘Hey lets play good cop bad cop and act like we know what they’re hiding, that way they’ll think we know and reveal their plans.” While the people you plan to interrogate ARE RIGHT BESIDE YOU!

I mean come on man!. So good on them for having a sense of humor about it.

Well we begin interrogations, however they go just as you’d expect. The Russian captaion isn’t giving up anything. Just talking the roles they both are meant to portray. Seriously they do a big scene between the captains doing the whole, “Why are you Russians so prideful and foolish.” And “Why are you Americans so pigheaded thinking you own everything”, they end up shouting at one another and going nowhere.

Even with Yana poprocks we get, well not much of anything. For being someone who really wants to talk about their mission, she doesn’t say much at all. The closest we get to a confession is a none spoken one. She tells their captain, “If you have to ask what we were doing, you already know.” So that’s all he needs to confirm that the Russians were drilling into an allied pipeline and attempting to steal resources or…who knows. It’s kind of played as a ultimate power of our allies that we should protect as its full of secrets and likely Nazi gold so lets keep the Russians out.

So with his interrogation over, and Russian activity confirmed. He orders a navy man to escort the Russian captain back to the brig.

HOWEVER!! The Russian escapes custody. Freeing his comrades and finding firearms for themselves.

As for the shark? Well that’s where things get a little confusing.  We see a boat with two dude bros park itself out in the ocean and they enjoy a nice couple of beers. We move to a birds eye view of the boat which means, get ready for the money shot, giant shark swallowing boat scene.

Now earlier, when they played electrocute the shark. We saw the shark go belly up and die. It sank to the bottom. Then 20 minutes later. We get this shark attack. Now I’d said we would see two sharks likely. A big ol man shark, and then an even bigger female shark. This shark that swallowed the boat of bros. was definitely huge! But when the navy becomes aware of it. They just keep on about “The shark is back”.

So either they believe it’s the same shark but it isn’t. Or I’m giving them too much credit for the possibility of a second Megalodon in the film. It could be. I mean I also thought this movie would run with the idea of ships in crisis with a lurking shark in the background. But that lasted all of a few scenes so. It’s possible.

What we end up with as they discover the shark is back, is the setup for a hilarious pointless battle. The ship has power, yes. It has brought back ship wide communication, this is true. But they still have issues with the engines, and outside communication. So these issues need to be resolved.

So they have worked on the engines and prepare to test them. What results is an unholy loud annoying sound. Which turns out to be a trigger for our giant shark. The moment it hears this. Its swimming toward the ship and attacking them. Trying to end this horrible sound. So being Americans, the navy captain shouts out “GET AHOLD OF ALL THE BRANCHES OF THE MILITARY! WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!”

Prepare for the stupid fun. Suddenly, and with authority. Flooding the deck of the ship, we have armed assault teams. All packing automatic rifles and hand guns. They are positioning themselves around the railing. Are they going to do it? You bet they are. Their leader gives the command to fire along with “Heads on a swivel!” They are firing at the shark from the boat. This is just making the shark irritated. Meanwhile the Russians are skulking around the ship. What their escape plan is exactly is anyones guess. The only sane mind at work currently is Lynch. Who is planning to line the mini sub with explosives, in the hope sending it out, and the shark attacking it, may kill it.

Meanwhile the assault weapons versus shark battle is taking a turn for the insane.

Obviously the shark is immune to regular gunfire. So its time to get men on the big 50 cal cannons, and ‘big guns’ Our captain is giving his best war face. Screaming out as he punches round after round from the big cannon into the shark and water. EVERY weapon on this ship that can be fired is being fired. It’s like The Predator jungle massacre played out on the ocean.

Its hilarious and the most ineffective thing they’ve done yet.

The only thing its done, is gotten us to the last 20 minutes of the movie. Where our captain is notified about the escaped and now armed Russians. He is understandably pissed. But its going to get a lot worse before it gets any better.

So as I said, Lynch and friend were busy loading the craft up with explosives. They also have a detonator. So the idea is to launch it and the shark eat it. Big bada boom, by sharky. However when the girls make their way to the sub. It is gone. The Russians appear all full of smirks and alert Lynch that they have launched the sub, and are planning to use it to make their escape.  Lynch calls them big dumb bastards, because now they will all die. Which she is right about.

I mean honestly, the Russians just think the killer super mad not so happy shark will let their sub go while takes out just the Americans, because it’s a secret communist? No the shark will kill them too. Especially as that craft escaped it earlier. But they aren’t having any of it. They order her friend to toss the detonator into the ocean. Which she refuses. Good call really. They’d likely kill you anyway, and if I can blow up your one means of escape, and I am pretty sure I’m going to die regardless? Yeah my ass is blowing it up.

She’s a good soldier.

Lynch tells her immediately to do what they say, because she doesn’t want to risk being shot by the Russians. What?

Well, she is a rebel so. Fight the system I guess.

So the detonator is thrown and now plan blow the shark and save the semen is done for.

But thankfully our task force that was wildly shooting at the shark have stopped and noticed the Russian problem on the ship. So we have a stand off. Russians versus Americans. Until the shark decides enough cold war bullshit I’m eating all of you without political alignment. So the shark rocks the boat. Leading to a shoot out between both groups. In the middle of this, the shark decides to screw with Lynch and swallows the submarine in front of her. Thus angering her.  But to no ones surprise they all make it out without losing anyone important.

So its time to bullshit their Captain. Lynch tells her captain there is good news and bad news. “The Russians are armed and all escaped. They’re roaming the ship hiding. They also launched the sub into the water, and the shark ate it. Also ‘they’ tossed the detonator into the water.

Wait what? Excuse me? No, no, no. YOU, ordered your friend to toss the detonator! Well I guess she’s saving her friends ass possibly. But is there any good news? Well. Maybe? Her friend the engineer. Tells the captain that she may. Possibly. Could. Might. Be able to fashion another detonator, if they have the parts.

So we have, another mission! Make a detonator and save our asses!

All while dealing with escaped armed Russians with no plan other than to not go to America and be judged.

I don’t think we have time for a montage on building a new detonator. But damnit we are getting a montage, on building the detonator.

What is happening movie? You were seemingly so focused, then you went off the board. Did actual Russians storm the filming and the script get scattered? We have 13 minutes left and a lot left to do. Or not. I mean the hand of god could come down and strike the shark like in The Omen sequel, and Stephen Kings The Stand.

The movie is rushing itself to its conclusion and we are following up our detonator building montage, with a tearjerker scene. Lynch has the detonator ready. But they need to detonate it up close. So she’s volunteering. Her captain is saying HELL NO! This is my moment! Manifest destiny!

He is evacuating the ship.

Their brave, intelligent captain. Is making a passionate patriotic speech about the marines, the greatest navy in the world, and the united states. While telling his brave crew of heroes and brave marines. To abandon ship into the water where the giant killer shark is. Fucking brilliant.

We get full on Michael bay patriotic dramatic music playing, tearful marines, and everyone headed toward their life boats, or bento boxes if you’re the shark.

But of course nothing ever goes how you want it right? Such is life.

As everyone escapes leaving the Russians and the captain. Of course once they turn the engine on and the shark is drawn to the ship. The Russian captain stops the engine. So now we have a tense cat and mouse through the ships engine room as both captains shoot at each other. Forgetting to just restart the engines and detonate.

I mean its that simple. But no. Our captain is as gamers call it a griefer. So he has to kill the Russian first. Then deal with the engine. Which by the way puts his crew he loves so much in even more danger as the shark very much sees them and could use a snack.

But before we can begin to worry about and question that. Lynch the rebel who’s never read a rule book in her life without kicking it out the window. Leaps from her escape boat and swims. In the water with the killer megalodon, back aboard the ship. To help complete the mission.

Oh, also? Our Special appearance Admiral is still around. He isn’t leaving either. He has an automatic rifle and pistol. He’s going to help our captain fight the Russian captain. Which makes Lynch returning to the ship even more pointless. Well I guess semi pointless, because she ends up having a girl fight with the female Russian. Who even though she helped by saying they were doing terrible war stuff, Is still a Russian. Because all loose ends need to be dealt with.

I GUESS!!!

So with our Special Appearance Admiral in the fight. Of course he kills the bad guy. Because he is a big star. He also suffers a grandpa bullet.

What’s a grandpa bullet? It’s where you are the big star of the film, and you take out the bad guy. You chuckle, then go “Ooh…ow” and rub your side. Oh looks like you took a bullet.

So you know what that means. When we have a captain who is retiring. A new female captain who plays by her own rules. Both who want to go down with the ship and kill the shark. But you have one big name movie star in your movie, who gets to play the real hero? While putting in minimal effort and appearance? Yeah.

Michael Madsen tells them both ‘You are relieved of duty, now get the hell outta here.”, and because he’s so cool. He sits down in the engine room, smoking a cigar. Waiting for the shark.

Enter insanity.

The shark breaks through the hull, and slides inches away from Madsen. Dude begins a dialog with the shark, “You know, my wife once told me I should really quit these things, They’ll kill ya. Guess I should’ve listened.” He then pulls an Amber Heard putting the cigar out on the sharks cheek. He flashes the detonator at the shark, gives his signature cool guy chuckle. And they explode.

He’s just so damn cool.

I mean shit the captain even spent a solid minute before that when they were told to leave, just royally kissing his ass. So you know how fucking cool he is.

So with that explosion. The crew all safe on their lifeboats. They salute the sinking ship and the admiral. The film fades to black and rolls credits.

The End.

What a horrible let down.

It was such a simple premise, that could have gone so, so well. It was interesting and looked like it might turn into an actual movie. But then it got Madsen’d.

Allow me to explain. Because god its sad.

So what happens with films like this. Is you try to go for any former star you can. Usually they turn their noses down at things like this. But then you get people like Sean Bean and Michael Madsen who will gladly take these type of roles. There are others who do this as well because. They gotta eat. Like Mickey Rourke. Especially that guy.

The thing is, when you manage to snag actors like this. They come with a caveat of trouble and stipulations. They may not be in big blockbusters anymore. But they absolutely are going to run the set, and milk whatever they can out of it.

Picture if you can, Tim Allen’s Kirk like character in Galaxy Quest, where he signs on to do fan films, doesn’t bother changing outfits, doesn’t care to listen, or read a script. Just pay me and we’re good. That’s what you end up with. However the not fun parts, is that these actors usually have vices, alcohol, drugs. Sometimes both. And they end up charging you a large part of your budget. And deliver uncaring unmotivated acting, while under the influence, and dare you to tell them your not happy with it. Because to them, they’re doing you a favor, by appearing in your film.

Madsen had issues on sets before where he’d appear and they couldn’t film him at all, because he was near blackout drunk or stoned. There were times he wanted to wear his sunglasses during the filming too. For medieval films. Because he didn’t want his bulging blood red eyes on screen. Some of these actors do this and it kills the film they’re in, and can force the director to alter scenes, cut out entire scenes and change the story. Because they can’t use their main star.

So you get credited roles with the “Special appearance by” tag. Versus staring. But you still put their name on the poster and box art. Because they tell you they need that to be in your movie. Hell it’s the ONLY name on their poster.

So these actors, with their I don’t give a fuck pay me mindset come in. They don’t care, they want to be paid and go home. They look at your lines, say what they’re supposed to, then check out. If your lucky. You can use what you filmed. If not. Well yeah.

His part in this felt very. Hmm.

Controlled.

Like they knew what they were getting into. They knew it might prove a problem. He could be clean and fine, but because of past films. They could just ready themselves for the worst. So they limit his screen time. While making him the big hero in the end. That’s the selling point during negotiations. “The shark won’t kill you don’t worry. You are the hero, okay? You’re the respected admiral, everyone looks up to you. You get to take out the bad guy, and in the end you kill the giant shark. Saving everyone, you’re the big hero.”, You sell them that, and they’ll agree to do the film. Because they aren’t gonna let you kill them with your stupid creature or cheap dime store bad guy. But you make them the hero. Yeah they’ll do it.

There’s a famous story about Once Upon a Time in The West. That at a train station. They were going to have Charles Bronson square off against Clint Eastwood, and Lee Van Cleef. Both turned it down and said fuck you to the director. Because they were big stars and they weren’t going to be killed off by someone like Bronson. Bruce Willis was the same as well in a few films. It’s not always a case of the actor is just an ass or complete trouble. They just have this weird chip on their shoulder, and they can, not all of them. But some can, and will abuse a film and its crew. Because they don’t care, and they just want a pay check. That’s why people laugh at the aging action stars doing movies like Van Damme has been doing for years.

The movie has that feel. That they hoped to draw in fans of his, put his name on the thing, because it was part of his contract. He gets minimal screen time, but gets to be the big hero. It just really carries that feeling.

But that’s not even the big issue with the film. That’s just a rant and part of it.

The film just felt it was going somewhere then decided not too. Hell even including the near insurrection with Madsen. Like why would you do a whole setup of making it out like the captain will have to fight back control of his ship from the Admiral because he’s been declared incompetent. But as quickly as that scene happened it ended and was resolved. It also gave Madsen a reason to leave the film for a majority of it.

And of course the part I had the biggest problem with. The quick resolution of rescuing the mini sub crew. Even the films synopsis gave you the impression this would be a possibility.

It really would have taken the film off in a better direction. For one. It creates tension. Even in a quick paced low budget film. I mean look back at Snow Sharks. That film went from shark attacks on land to a group trapped in their lab under water. The film had an interesting angle which it felt they were and should have stayed with. Both the ship and submersible are down and out. They can’t help each other. You need to fight against time to find solutions both to keep the sub alive, and get communication back on the ship. Radio for help. Talk with the submersible. Deal with the Russians trying to fight for control etc etc It was all setup to prove a problem they’d have to work around. But they just. Didn’t.

Problems were quickly resolved, and without showing really how they were. Much like I joked about earlier in the film how characters just suddenly popped up and resolved questions. Made scenes happen quicker. It made the film come off like a hopped up version of red light green light. Only every time they stop and it was allowed to set something up. Someone got eager and shouted green light go, and its over before it begins. Even weirder still, is how you go from a large action scene, and still having the tension on set. To deciding to donate time, to showing a detonator being made.

Could they not have spent that time on something else? I mean The Predator had its montages. Setting up traps and such. Then at the end of the film. The final showdown. Arnold and the predator are both readying weapons, traps. Healing etc. But it all went toward the final fight. Which. I guess the detonator does? But not in the big way, really.

It’s just an odd choice. They could’ve shown the Russians gathering and talking about their plan. Even that was something the movie could’ve used. Show the Russians discussing how they’d take the submersible and escape. Instead again it just happens. Because the film needed it to happen and get us along closer to the end. They sacrificed story for setup and pacing.

Asylum films. Not just the shark movies I’ve seen. But their mockbuster films, others like it. They all vary from either being story driven with grand silly CGI sets, or like this, just a slide show of a film. But they all rely on the grand poor CGI sets and effects. They all run around an hour and a half. But some seem to get their story out better than others. But a lot of their directors are repeat directors who they regularly use too.

It could easily be just a case of a director having a grand scope in mind for their story. Then knowing they have to cut it down. Just got stuck in a quick and dirty film mode and ended up running when they should’ve walked, and tripping when they tried walking because they actually needed to speed up then.

The actors weren’t horrible either. Madsen aside. There was nothing that stood out as terrible. Not the Russian accents or over acting. I mean the patriotic stuff was a bit on the Michael Bay side. But they were so few and far between it wasn’t something that made you hate the film. You just laugh at it because when the writer tried giving a meaningful speech. It just came off forced and a bit silly. But to be fair giving rousing speeches is difficult to make without having it come off lackluster or so so when you meant for it to be rousing and moving.

All in all, it just failed to land. The film had some good ideas. But they never let them come to fruition. They moved things along when it felt they didn’t need too. The shark was the shark, it wasn’t terrible. The kills that we got were quick and not bad. The shark thankfully never jumped out of the water. It didn’t do super shark stunts. They kept It fairly tame. Which good on them. But the movie felt catered to a star who’d rather not be there and didn’t care, and a story that wanted to be more but was pushed out the door running.

It had some fun moments, but in the end it was largely just meh, and something you could pass on without feeling you missed anything. Unless like me you are watching every. Last. Film. For 30 days straight. Which is insane when you keep it just the bottom of the barrel while hoping for gold.

I just wish this one had followed through, it really could’ve been a highlight in their catalogue. Instead of being Battleship meets The MEG.

I can’t believe we saw a man put a cigar out on a megalodon’s cheek. At least there is that.

Hopefully tomorrow, will be a return to form. As we have a special one for sure. Until then. Swim safely.