SHARK-A-THON!! Day 22 SAND SHARKS!

Day 22 Sand Sharks

We have had ice sharks, snow sharks too, house sharks, and sky sharks, Now we get sand sharks.

I feel once we get to Lava sharks we will be ready for Shark Avatar. You know that’d look amazing. Talk about how the nations of shark benders lived in a time of peace, until the fire sharks attacked.

But until we get to that movie. We have this one to deal with. Sand Sharks. I was almost expecting it to be about actual sand sharks and people just ending up attacked and slaughtered by these sharks burying themselves in sand under the water. But we got lucky and it’s another prehistoric breed of shark. That actually swims in sand. I called us lucky. But we will see. It might be my deepest regret since Quija Shark, and don’t think for an instant I forgot about Shark Huntress.

So enough of that. I need some shark in my life so, lets dive on in as we make our decent into the final 8 films of Shark-a-thon.

Sand Sharks

Tagline: Just when you thought you were safe out of the water

Synopsis: An earthquake brings evolved sharks that can swim in sand to the surface, residents of a small town team up to protect the beaches.

Evolved sharks. That swim in the sand. I guess it beats mud sharks. Lets hope it holds to the promise of being a fun time in the sand. I mean how can it not be right?

So we start off indeed with some fun. Bunch of kids out dirt biking through the sand dunes, having a blast. Some funky synth music setting the mood for things to come. I actually like the music and give the film some credit. I like when a movie does its own score rather than use stock or generic music. So good on them already.

This I will say, is one of the funner opening death scenes. I mean its going full hog with their premise. One of the bikers strays off down a dune and is visited upon my one of the evolved sand sharks of Arrakis.

He is taken down not by an attack underneath him and his bike. But a shark leaping through the sand and over to him. Taking both rider, and bike down in one swoop.

Luckily he has good friends and one happens to find his tracks. But only his helmet remains. As well as a flag sticking out of the sand attached to his bike. Buried under sand. Curious now, the rider approaches and investigates. Only to see not far from his spot, a large shark fin sticking out of the sand. We can only hope he managed to think to himself ‘Oh shit a shark…wait on land?” or the even more hopeful but unlikely “I walked with rhythm, now the sand shark has found me!”

Well at any rate its go time on survival and he’s back on his bike in a hot minute. Throttling into GTFO mode and away he goes, shark in pursuit. But alas hs is no match for the hunger and need to feed that is a sand shark, apparently. He too has joined the fallen and rest now in the belly of the sand beast. Which also leapt out of the sand to take him down.

Raising yet again the question, why do sharks leap all the time in these movies?

I’m still waiting for an answer. I KNOW sharks leap. But you don’t see them leaping like attack cats.

Well we got our introductory kills done. So now its time to ease on down and introduce the other big money players in this hellscape. Which will be Jimmy Green. He’s greasy as can be. Dresses like an 80’s coke head and if you tried holding his hand to shake it. You’d have enough grease to fry some fries. He’s a busy business man looking to make money and get paid. He’s here to visit with the mayor and propose an event of the century. Of all time. The mayor also is his father. Who is used to this kind of crap. He’s proposing a great way to not only make tons of cash, but to secure his dads re-election as mayor, and save the beach this town was…founded on? He’s not giving much of anything. Just a lot of promises. He keeps doing so until his dad gives in and says “Fine! What do you want!”

So his grand money making idea. To turn this town into “The Sandman Festival”, no not based on Neil Gaiman, but just sand…sand and bikinis.

He wants to make this towns version of Burning Man, a week long extravaganza for the oppressed college kids to let loose, get high, get drunk, flash their bits all over the place and shower the town in money. In reality things like this crush towns too. The local businesses hate it, a lot loose out on money and it causes a large horrible mess along with traffic. BUT we don’t need that in our movie. We need the babes and booze! His dad is sold on the idea, and we now have our festival for sharks to swarm and rip people to shreds.

Meanwhile, we’re introduced to a superstar of the picture, Sandy Powers. Whos name reminds me of Homer’s manly name Max Powers. Sandy Powers may look a bit familiar to some. Even if the movie is trying to showcase her…huge talents. She’s the daughter of Hulk Hogan, and a professional wrestler of her own making, Brooke Hogan.

She’s being contacted by the deputy in the hopes they could get Dr powers down to help investigate the possible shark attack. She’s all business and possible shark attacks interest her greatly. So she’s on the case!

She’s also going to have a LOT of work at this point with the shark killings. As we have two more souls to quickly add to that list.

The scene is almost so quick its not worth noting but, we need to know EVERY death! EVERY DEATH!!

Pluss it’s a good example of relationship advice, from me to you.

We have a couple on the beach. In the worst but best setup for this movie. The boyfriend is buried neck deep in the sand by his girlfriend. Whom is readying for a nice afternoon of sun tanning.  However the boyfriend is not pleased being left buried in the sand as he is. He feels this sucks, and he’d like to be freed. She answers this by giving him some sun screen. His response? Is to end his grumble fest with the line “I want to break up”

I know it doesn’t need to be said. But it actually does. Because there have been guys who break up with their girlfriends on Valentines day after giving them heart boxes of candy. And I’ve also heard personally two dipshits break up with their girlfriends during, and after sex.

So yes. If you are considering your relationship, and you feel its time to end it. Firstly. If applicable. Do so in a calm way, especially if you might want to try and salvage a friendship out of it. Not everything has to end up on Maury.

Secondly. If you are going to suddenly end a relationship? Just out of the blue? Don’t choose to do so when you are buried in the sand. You literally have no ground to stand on, you are buried to your neck in sand, so if you decide this moment is the time to argue with someone and list off how and why you can’t stand them. I ask you again. Consider your position. Consider yourself Anakin on Mustafar. And your partner is Obi Wan. Whom has the high ground. If you try leaping over for a verbal “We’re through and here’s why”, you’ll likely find yourself left there, or smacked around, or with sand in your ears.

It's always better to have a calm breakup if possible, and one where the other isn’t restrained. Because you never know if they’ll want to help you in that situation.

Fortunately a sand shark has decided to intervene. The mans now ex girlfriend has been swallowed into the sand. As he is officially stuck there and powerless to do anything about it. He gets slowly devoured from the sand by the shark.

It’s nice, and we support it. Even if unfortunately quick. The sharks are racking up a nice kill count and this is what the movie needs. 15 minutes in, we’ve got 4 kills, and the plot is beginning to take shape.

Speaking of story and things I want to see killed. We are introduced to more characters. The most annoying and made to die people in this film. Ever. We have Willy, who is in charge of cyber marketing for Jimmy, and Erin. The intern. Erin is, special. She still says things like Hella, and is meant to be hip, and cool. Of these things, she is not. She is however prime shark bait, and I cannot wait. Lastly we have Amanda, the lawyer, who is here to make sure Jimmy’s investor isn’t waisting their money.

This scene itself, is also special. Very special. It’s special because for some. Honestly unexplained reason? This scen is using a lot of green screen. I would guess perhaps it’s because they weren’t supposed to film in front of the location. So they did their best to get around that. Or they were feeling frisky with their effects. It’s just. I mean you notice it right away. And not just the background building. No. They also added CGI background effects. Like exhaust from a stationary truck in the background.

So our group of hellish beings are making their way down to the site of Sandman Festival. The beach. Which is honestly very nice, and surprisingly clean. Jimmy has a vision, naturally. For the success of this festival. A stage with its back to the ocean, only there won’t be a stage, it’ll all be done on the sand, ground level, a VIP lounge close to the water, food and merch booths beside it. A parking lot converted to a campground for their college crowd. It’s like Fyre fest only with far less buildup and crushing lawsuits.

Though there still could be, after the shark attacks begin piling up. We can hope.

Amanda is not buying any of this and she sees nothing but wasted money, and upset college kids. I would agree with them. But Jimmy is unshakeable in his belief this will make millions upon more millions.

And for some reason Erin has decided to show she supports all of this idea by. Suddenly taking her top off and marching off to the beach. For reasons? “Who needs beds when you have booze, beach body, and band”, what?

Well we are unfortunately not done with this group. We’re following them. For better or worse.

It’s a little of both. This movie really did not have a lot to film it seems. As we are now at the parking lot where the college kids will be camping. This is also where the Sheriff and his Deputy are, as well as a blonde giving the hungry eyes to her boyfriend while he wake boards.

We don’t have a lot to film here as the movie is again utilizing green screen, and again I have to ask why? Going to guess budget on this one. But they are using still images of the background for the parking lot. Which are just sandy hills and growth. But they are also filming on the beach from the opposite side. I can get it, if you are doing inserts and pickup shots. It’s just noticeably not so good CGI so it stands out pretty badly. That’s all.

Which does not help this scene. What DOES however help the scene, is a shark alumni in our midst. Which is a great callback character as well. We have playing the role of Sheriff a familiar face from Avalanche sharks,  Mr. Eric Scott Woods, Lest ye be reminded. He played the head of the ski patrol and temporary sheriff. He also in that movie jokingly made the remark about sharks also appearing in the sand. Good stuff. But can he bring some of that humor please.

The attempt is there in the film. It’s just not really landing all that hard yet.

So it’s an awkward gathering as the main players, Jimmy, Deputy Brenda, and Sheriff Stone.

Jimmy used to date Brenda. Whom he left with a phone bill, a cat  and rent due. The Sheriff has issues as well with Jimmy Mostly because he blames Jimmy for the tragedy this town suffered years back. Apparently Jimmy through a party and many people died from it. So Jimmy left this island soon after. Only to return, to throw another party.

Which will cause SO many deaths.

Speaking of death!!

The blonde on the beach behind our group as they bicker back and forth is still eye humping her man as he keeps attempting to ride tiny waves. Until a sand shark LEAPS out, flourishes and devours him in one gulp.

She immediately cries out and law enforcement is on it. This actually was funny. She’s screaming at our sheriff that a shark jumped out of the sand and ate her boyfriend. “Sharks don’t swim on land” he tells her. Moments before a sand shark swallows her in front of them. It’s pretty fun, her death, the sheriff’s surprised face, all topped off by Erin’s comment “Well this is going to be bad for business.”

Soon Erin. Soon…

So now the movie is switching it up and going full nose into the crotch of jaws. We have a town meeting, with the mayor and sheriff. Discussing not only closing the beaches, but also a bounty on the shark.

All of this is the worst riff and face palm rubbing terrible of scenes. Not because they’re ripping a jaws scene. They’ve all done this. But how they’re doing it and trying to make it a funny wink, wink, nudge comedy moment. The moment they mention the beaches being closed you hear Jimmy immediately shout before people can panic “Only for 24 hours”. Then everyone cuts in with how this will kill their businesses, they need summer dollars, and this stupid festival. Bringing us to the films version of Quint, Angus. Who tells the mayor he won’t kill that sand shark for a thousand bucks. He’ll do it for 10k. For that? You’ll get the head, and the shark will be dead.

The only thing likable about Angus, is that he sounds like an old man doing his best Nick Nolte impression.

The scene falls flat because it doesn’t necessarily add anything or change anything. Either from the scene they directly lifted and pasted into their own, or the story itself. Like it’s fine if you quote a scene in a movie, everyone does it. And some act out entire scenes lifted from other better films. But if you want it to stand out and not have people rolling their eyes or judging you. You should try to add something to it that helps it. Make it your own.

The closest we get is Jimmy rhyming “You give us the shark head, you get the bread” Which is not as clever sounding as you think.

But the scene mercifully ends and lets us go. Because we need to remind you that Sandy Powers is still in this film, and has arrived at the island. Ready to talk the towns shark problem.

We also thankfully get two more kills. Two redneck islanders on a raft. Trying to hunt the sand shark at night. Which is where I give the film some credit, though it may be breaking its own premise. Or making the shark that much more dangerous.

These two men were on a rubber raft shark hunting at night. While out. They are set upon by a sand shark. BUT its in the water! Interesting. So the shark is land AND water based. Well alright. The two decide to lift their raft and high tail it out of there. Walking in the incredibly shallow water. Only to be attacked by the sand shark. IN WATER!!

It’s a stunning new development, and adds to the danger of the shark. STAY AWAY FROM THE BEACH ENTIRELY!

Seriously it’s actually kind of fun they did that, but let’s just hope they don’t stray from their concept. I mean it’d be fun if they kept the sharks in the sand only. But it is a nice turn.

So Dr. Powers is on the case and investigating all the remains thus far. Which range from two heads, to now 4 hands. Of thse, she manages to snag and dig up a shark tooth. Which again, I will give a little extra bit of credit. It’s for once not a fossil. They made it themselves. It’s also explained where it likely came from in the mouth of the shark as well as it being a different breed of shark. It’s partly sand shark. Partly tiger shark. A Sand Tiger Shark. Which did exist back in the land of prehistoric sharks. Which our sheriff mentions. “So what, it’s a prehistoric shark?” And Dr Powers quips “Don’t go all Roger Corman on me.” We got that reference!

Sadly the sheriff doesn’t get it and she ends the scene with “Guess your not a fan of B-movies.” Nudge, nudge. Nudge NUDGE!!!

Well as this movie wants to rely on ripping jaws. We have the great shark catching scene. Someone has caught a big shark, present it to the town to declare the problem solved. They caught a great white. Well. Not exactly caught.

We discover Jimmy hired a guy he knows to bring a sharp carcass and try to pass it off as the killer shark so they can have their festival still, AND collect some extra cash with the bounty on the shark. As the shark is displayed for all to see. Dr. Powers begins investigating. Of course it’s not the right shark. It’s teeth are too small, what’s more, she notices the shark has been dead for over a week. So Jimmy’s plan falls apart and the beach remains closed.

Which good for keeping people alive. But also dear lord no more of Jimmy. But here we are. Jimmy has. An insane apartment. Insane in that he has no more than 8 laptops going at once. As Willy tells him, “I’ve got space, on lock down son! Ha haaaa” Much like Neil Breen, they are hacking geniuses who run the internet and the world from their room.

It’s just. Well its production value.

Meanwhile, we have some tension, we also lost power. Both in the movie and in my house. Oddly timed, but my problem was not caused by sand sharks. That I know of…….

But yes, power on the island has gone out and this Jimmy no longer controls the internet or space. For now. He is however getting a ride to the beach via police escort. Why? We will soon discover.

By soon I mean right now. Sorry. I’m not good at the whole timing thing.

On the beach in the familiar parking lot. For once not green screened as they are filming at night. Which is actual night shooting, not day for night. Good on you film!

It seems the sheriff has Jimmy’s friends held at gun point. He found them messing with the towns power. Possibly? It isn’t really clear and there wasn’t anything setting it up honestly. But here we are, Sheriff with his gun drawn holding these men at gun point. Claiming they were hired by jimmy to take out the towns power, just like they were hired to bring in a fake shark and claim it was the killer. All so Jimmy could have his Sandman festival.

Well Jimmy and deputy arrive, as does Mayor Daddy. Who still is a bit of an enigma to me. The guy went from being annoyed with his son, remembering his son and his last money making idea got people killed. But now he’s fully on board with the idea of another money scheme party and doesn’t believe sharks are killing people on land or that it’s that deadly a thing that people are dead and or missing.

But here we stand, tensions high, people slinging accusations at one another, and there on the beach. Just trying to do their job, is Dr Powers. Investigating the sand, or building a sand castle. Either would honestly be acceptable and I’d approve of.

But as she is studying and the others nearby are holding a heated debate. A sand shark does appear, and is circling Dr. Powers. Apparently the shark may be aware that her father is the Hulkster, and she inherited the thunder thighs of her father. Which could clap a shark to death. So it keeps its distance.

Which then adds another layer to the shark. Oddly. Apparently the shark works off of Tremors logic. As long as you don’t move, and don’t make a sound. The shark won’t find you. Interesting.

Soon the squabble turns its heads to the beach as the sheriff slides on over closer to get a good look. He and the others now see there is a shark fin in the sand. A huge one, and it’s circling Dr. Powers even more. She whispers to the Sheriff not to move or come near the sand. If he does. It’s his ass! But dildo the Sheriff does it anyway. Immediately putting himself in danger! But our Dr. Powers is a thoughtful soul. Or she likes the Sheriff, or cares about the preservation of human life. She whips out her own pistol and pops off a few shots at the sand shark as it headed toward the Sheriff. Thankfully distracting it, however now making herself a target. The two run for the safety of paved ground, thankfully making it.

Which offers Jimmy’s dad a moment of clarity. He tells his son the festival is canceled. It has to be! He promised to keep the people of that town safe, and no one is safe as long as that shark is around. He makes a large speech about it and how he’s going to do everything in his power to keep people safe. “I’m drawing a line in the sand here! And I will not rest until this shark problem is taken care of!”

Wait sand? Oh. Oh dear.

Yeah he’s dead. The shark leaps out and eats him. In front of Jimmy. Who feigns shock and surprise at this horrible sight.

Which is only furthered as we move from the death of the mayor. To another death coming. This scene began with the sheriff holding Jimmy’s friend at gun point. His friend, nicknamed Sparky. Is his lighting and boom boom man. He told the sheriff he was on the beach working on a light show extravaganza for the Sandman festival. So he’s going to show them what he was working on. So he wondered off before the shark attack. But now he’s back and on the beach. Setting up his big lighting reveal. Which is setting up another movie rip. This time a National Lampoon Vacation scene. Yes. The lighting of the houses Christmas lights.

Everyone is shouting to warn him of the shark headed toward him. But he grumbles and waves them off. He’s got headphones on and does not care. He’s going to show off his big lighting display and shut them all up.  He readies. With two huge lighting hookups. And just as he plugs them together. Out on the beach leaps out a huge chonky Sand Shark. Which then explodes in a Jaws 2 biting through the powerline scene, followed by a CGI scene of the entire island losing all of its renewed power thanks to the power of this lighting setup and the shark taking every bolt to the dome.

In the pluss side, they blew up the shark, and in his final act on this earth. Sparky demonstrated that he and his lighting project were the cause of the islands first power outage which he denied earlier.

So things look like they’re improving now. The threat is gone, mayor is dead. Everyone should be safe. Even if the film has 30 minutes left, surely it will just be fun and all about the party and not in any way shape or form another killer sand shark.

Well duh of course it’ll be more sand sharks.

The next day Dr. Powers concludes this. The teeth she examined earlier and now from the carcass confirm. This was only a baby shark. Which means there is a mama shark out there somewhere, and daddy shark. So they aren’t….out of the water just yet.

Ha…ha.

Well, Jimmy is ready to begin Sandman Festival. Which he is declsring a success. Because it reached a handful of people from college, which is what they want us to believe. But kudos to them on the 30 extras they got in bikinis and shorts. Listening to DJ Plan B. Yes that’s their name. Playing music which we focus on a few of the beach hotties dancing, for reasons. Honestly I don’t know what as they don’t particularly stand out. But you get what they’re trying to do and recreate from other movies.

Sheriff Stone attempted to shut this down as they have another possible dangerous shark out there. But Jimmy won’t let it happen without actual physical proof that there IS another shark out there. As all they have to go off of is just a theory? Well yeah. Show will go on.

However Sheriff Stone will be prepared this time. He knows what they’re dealing with and he’s going to be ready. As will his deputy, and our beloved Dr. Powers.

We are headed of course for chaos. We know this. So the film may go full crazy. I hope so because if not. This is going to blow.

As things are underway, the music of DJ Plan B. is entrancing people. It’s even changing the attitude of Lawyer Amanda. Who was not falling for Jimmy’s slimy charm, and seemed to despise him. She goes from this, to finding him and licking his face, then biting his lip. Apparently Plan B hits people different.

Well because we need a death curse to happen. Deputy and former love interest of Jimmy’s, leaves her post to go see Jimmy and tell him maybe she was wrong about him. Apparently the music has gotten to her as well. Unfortunately she spots him getting his lip gnawed on by Amanda. So she says the words I’ve been longing to hear since the characters introduction, “I hope you die Jimmy”, Which is pretty funny as he is actually shocked by this and also hurt. Especially after his dad has just died not long ago. So off she goes, hating Jimmy once more, and Amanda judges Jimmy, “Don’t tell me your thinking of being with Donut cop over me.” He grumbles at her and calls her a real shark, “You know why you’ll always be in debt Jimmy? You just don’t have the head for business.”, the last words Amanda will say to Jimmy as she sets it up, and the shark knocks it out of the park! Yup! The shark takes out Amanda from underneath. Leaving just her head.

It went for it, It really did.

So Jimmy begins screaming bloody murder staring at her CGI’d dead head, just in time for Willie and Erin to come around the corner and ask for a picture with Jimmy to celebrate the festivals success.

Which was going to end up a pretty nifty picture. Until Erin spots the head of Amanda on the ground. Now aware there is a killer shark again on the beach. Willie is the voice of reason now. He’s shouting about them needing to close the festival down. Countless lives are at risk! But Jimmy. Won’t have any of it. He can’t suffer another defeat. Which is what will happen if they cancel the show now. It will be a repeat of the last party he threw. Where people died, and he was run out of town.

Willie is not backing down and is ready to shut it down himself, like his own personal Chef Ramsey.

Until Erin bashes Willie’s head in with a bottle!! She’s decided that for this to succeed, you need to align yourself with winners, not cowards. So they had to knock out Willie to keep things going and the party of the century to be a bloodbath of success!

This was genuinely surprising and funny. It was a sudden turn and yeah just funny as hell with how it came about and how suddenly Jimmy’s mood just shifts from terrified to cool with everything, to scared and horny.

Topped off with Erin telling him to return to the party while she cleans up Amandas head, and moves Willie to the trailer. But as she moves his body, of course the sand shark appears, hungry and chomping. Erin. In her new found business wisdom, and embracing her new role. Tosses Willies body at the shark and promptly hides in the trailer. We are definitely headed for chaos town now.

Which is both stupid, funny, and then stupid again.

We have two college guys trying way too hard to hit on girls. They also are selling drugs. So two hotties come by asking for ‘the good stuff’ they want to see the drugs to make sure he has them. So the guy says “I’ll show you mine, if you show him yours”, she says no thankfully. “I’m not going to show the girls, to your boy” he then corrects her and says “I don’t mean show my friend your breast. I mean show…our shark. Mr Sharky Sharky.” The boys made a sand shark. Out of sand.

You know where this is going.

The girl reconsiders her earlier offer and decides fine, she’ll show her breast to the sand shark made of sand. But they can’t peak. Nor can any of the people at the party cheering her on. So as she kneels down to the sand shark made of sand. She readies to unfasten her bra, and then. Yeah. The Sand Shark made of real shark leaps through the sand shark made of sand, and kills her. Splashing people with blood.

Which the beach goers cheer.

Until not one. Not two. But three. Yes, three sand sharks pop up and begin going wild killing people.

Now this is where we enter stupid town for a moment.

The party people. All located on the beach, in one spot. Half that party, all by the stage witnessed the sharks, and have begun being killed. They take off screaming. The Deputy pushes DJ Plan B from the stage and shouts at the crowd to run! To get to safety! So one of the girls dancing stops and laughs “I smell bacon!” Everyone laughs.

Again. These people, half of them, directly beside the other saw the killings and are themselves being killed. But somehow the other half didn’t see or hear what happened beside them. Well the dancer who made the cop joke is dead. NOW everyone is in panic mode and running. Deputy is firing off at every thing around her. Its really funny because she actually is. She’s aiming in front of people be her sides. She’s just going full tilt.

Jimmy is panicking and trying to get both himself and the deputy to safety. But she’s trying to do her job! While he’s trying to save himself and possibly her.

Well unfortunately a sand shark has other ideas, and he bites our beloved deputy in half. Leading to the most awkward and funny moment in this film. Which I am going to assume was intentional. Otherwise oooooh boy.

So with his former girlfriend now half the woman she used to be. Jimmy moves behind her and hugs her torso from the ground. By her breast.

Yes.

He’s dragging her across the parking lot, hugging her breast specifically, in each hand, before planting her beside her cop car. Where he tries to figure out what to do with her guts and intestines, figuring they need to go back inside her, but where. Seeing as this isn’t helping, and only hurting her. He lays her head back against the car and tries to tell her that, even though he said he only kind of liked her when they were together, and that he also told her he didn’t like her when they broke up. But then before she saw him the other woman licking his face, that even then he may have sort of liked her. He actually thinks he loved her, and just didn’t get to say.

Prompting our nearly dead deputy to utter her dying words. “Jimmy….you’re a jerk”, and heaven gained a new angel.

Seriously it was one of the very few moments of comedy that worked in the movie. And they had been trying but not doing so well.

So we are a deputy short now and down to three main people. The party crowd is mad rushing the pier for safety. However as the sheriff tells us, that pier isn’t meant to handle that many people. They only had I’d guess maybe 30 extras if that.Possibly 40. And they’re doing their best between the party and now the pier to make it seem like even more. Which I give them credit for. It’s fun when films pull that off. And not everyone tries.

Hell even the shitty movie I was in did it. We started a night shoot with 30 people at around 8pm. By the time 7am rolled around we were down to 13 zombies that stayed. So the director spread us out over a hill side, filmed a few shots. Then did another take the same way with all of us spread out differently. It looked better, but not by much. Because that movie was gutter trash no one should ever discover. And with my help. Never will.

We are at the last 15 minutes of the film. It’s time for sacrifice, heroism, and the end of sand sharks. We hope.

Speaking of all three. We have just the man for the job.

Angus the shark hunter!!

He’s taking over the task of clearing the pier of civilians and party people. He’s packing an AR-15 and he’s ready to take down sharks. All of them. “They’ve tasted blood, they’re gonna come back. Just like a porker at a cupcake convention. You gotta make the sandbox, into a sandbox”

Our Sheriff, Dr Powers and Jimmy are loaded up with guns thanks to a trip to the sheriff’s office. They’re planning with Angus and are ready to take out every last sand shark to make sure they never. Ever. Return. Again.

We can only hope it will work. And part of me hopes Angus makes it out of this. But that’s a coin toss.

However. Angus’s plan is…………god almighty this movie is insane now.

Which makes sense given the director also made Empire of the Sharks and Planet of the Sharks.

Angus, has been working. This whole time. On the ultimate sand shark death trap.

He has lined a section of the beach with sandbags and….electric devices. His plan. Is to lure the sharks. All of them. To his sandbox. Once the sharks are all there. They will turn on the power to this under sand devices, and turn the sand into glass by melting it. Trapping the sharks in a glass prison.

That’s our end game plan. Shark glass.

Will it work? We can only hope. The sheriff and Dr Powers are collecting the speakers from the failed festival and using them to lure the sharks. As well as blood. As for Jimmy? He has gathered the last thing he has in memory of Sparky. Highly concentrated Napalm, he just keeps on hand for reasons.

So, as they begin pumping Flight of the Valkyries through the speakers to lure the sharks. We begin.

Is it working? Yes surprisingly.

Until it isn’t.

A speaker went out and not all the sharks are gathered for them to set off the napalm. Sheriff Stone is ready to risk his life to run out and check the speaker wiring. But he is stopped by a better heroic sacrifice. Jimmy.

So Jimmy makes an impassioned speech about his life and doing this for his dad, and Sparky.

He runs out and climbs atop the speakers. He’s checking the wires and. The sharks apparently nipped the wire to the speaker! So he’s stuck there now. Surrounded by sharks

He has no choice now. He knows that. So he begins singing “Row row row your boat” and running frantically. The sharks are following him and he is ready to die. The sharks grant me my wish and we see Jimmy torn apart. Not only by one shark, or two sharks. But 3. Three sharks tare him to pieces. With that, Angus pulls out his home made flamethrower. Apparently he’s decided to use the less scientific method of electrifying the beach and is using napalm to melt the sand and kill the sharks!

They. They actually did it. They traped and turned the sharks to glass

Well that’s…not the end.

OF COURSE NOT!!

There is one. Big. Bad. Mama shark!

It’s unholy huge. I mean seriously it is insanely huge. It unfortunately takes out Angus. Which is truly sad. But have no fear. Dr Powers is here! As our Sheriff tries to take down the shark in a hail of bullets. It’s Dr. Powers who pulls a finisher and gets out a cheesy line. She grabs the napalm filled home made flamethrower and tosses it at the sand shark mamas mouth “Eat this, you sand of a bitch!”

Yes. Sand. Of a bitch.

The shark explodes. The building they were in explodes. All in slow breast bouncing slow motion. We get one last fun joke that also paid off rather well. As the two heroes get up. Shark guts are tossed on them until they can’t handle it. And to top it off they both get doused with a huge bucket of blood as well. Super delayed and it works. They embrace, celebrating the end of the shark threat.

Or.

Is.

It.

Question mark?!

Well we have but one loose end left. Erin. She steps out of the trailer, now safe from sharks. She finds Amandas phone as it rings and answers. It’s the mob people Jimmy was borrowing money from. She tells them ’he's taking over Jimmy’s client list and she’ll be the one to see about setting up events. They want a beach party. She tells them she can definitely help out and set up…wait for it.

A KILLER…beach party.

And as she says the line. Yes. A tiny sand shark pops out of the sand, and she is no more.

Thank you Xenu for granting my my wish of seeing those horrible characters die.

The end.

Well, it wasn’t. That bad. It had more misses than it did hits. But when it hit. The hits followed one after the other. It’s a bit hard to decipher. But it really did feel like the film had an irregular heart beat. It struggled a bit to find itself initially. But then it found its beat and stuck to those beats pretty closely. But weirdly it only seemed to find that second life in the last I want to say 40 minutes of the film.

It’s hard to nail down the cause. But it almost felt like, if I had to guess? Maybe the stuff in the beginning was a mix of improve with the actors, or more the material of one writer, and the later half the second writer. There were two on this film though one is credited with the screenplay.

But watching the film you can sort of pick up on it. You get the sense the film was trying to rely on one set of character jokes and off film references, like the jaws scene with the shark bounty that came off rushed and a bit off. Versus later where it felt things were a bit more tighter and well executed. Hell for all I know there could’ve been rewrites and fixes made because things weren’t working initially. Just not sure. I’d love to find out as the film really wasn’t all that bad. Even comparing it to the last few films. Hell even to Bull Shark. THAT movie was dumb and boring. But it also had a sudden turn in theme and humor as well that seemed more tacked on at the end versus the rest of the film.

It's still worth a watch and an all around good film. The effects were appropriate. They were well done and not by any means the worse. Honestly its kind of funny given as we said the director also did the Planet of the Sharks and Empire of the Sharks films. The deaths in those were hysterical because the actors were bad and you could easily tell they were leaning into the deaths to make it look real when the CGI sharks would grab them.

Here the shots were tighter and a bit more well done. The deaths didn’t look silly by the actors faking falls or faking terrified. The bites worked and didn’t look out of place. Granted having sharks swallow people whole, or just leaving their head also pretty much makes your job a little easier. But still. It worked out and I applaud them.

It had some decent surprises and fun turns, for sure. It had cliched set up deaths you could see coming a mile away. But yeah it worked. If things were more like the later half of the film. Tighter, followed the same beats, humor was more on point. It would’ve made for an excellent and fun evening all around. It still is. Just a step below where it could have landed.

The characters were likeable and hateable for different reasons. But they still worked. As much as I was annoyed by Jimmy and his crew. They still had their fun moments and it did the job the film wanted. You waited and were rewarded for wait with their deaths. Can’t fault a movie for giving you what it knows you wanted and setup well. Again. Just wish it nailed the rest of it along the way. But an hour and a half flew by without feeling soul sucking so. That’s a good way to end a movie if you ask me. Which I will note. You did not.

Until tomorrow, Which is going to bring us, a definite soul sucking possibility of a film.

Take care, be safe, and if people at a festival are being killed by sharks and screaming? Don’t keep dancing. You don’t look as good as you think you do, and you might live longer.