SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 21 SHARKMAN!!

Day 21 Sharkman!

Sharkman. I think we can just walk right the hell off the cliff now. Is he more shark than man? Or is he mostly man, but also shark. Is it a batman situation where a man fights crime using the power of the shark? Dressing like a great white to scare criminals? Do the police find the bad guys tied up doused in salt water, with a shark tooth planted on their foreheads?

Well given audiences today they’d need a darker, brooding sharkman so he’d have to dig the tooth into their skin. Leave bad guys with shark bites.

Of these things, the film is not. It is not so fun in that regard. It could be a fun trip. It could also end up being a horrible trap too. Be as always. We wont know until we dive on in. So lets not dilly dally. Lets get in the water and meet. Sharkman.

Sharkman

Tagline: A New Breed of Predator

Synopsis: A pharmaceutical team journey’s to a remote island to meet with an enigmatic scientist and discovers that his experiments have created a monster.

So yeah. Sharkman. With the powers of the shark. I guess. I don’t know, and I’m a bit scared, though curious to find out. I just. Don’t. It’s also worth noting, should you try to find this film yourself to watch along? You may find it for rent, or for free. It depends what name you find it under. This is another made for tv film that goes by two names and two different release dates. It premiered as a tv movie under the name SHARKMAN in 2001. But you will also find it as HAMMERHEAD, released in 2005.

Keep that in mind, and you’ll still find the same movie, both with horrible cover art, and the same story that awaits us now.

So we begin, in the Western Pacific. An unnamed island as all evil layers and science experiment hideaways are.

There’s an unfortunate couple enjoying the ocean from their personal boat. They last all of 10 seconds before having their collective asses torn to shreds by…a creature resembling something between a half digested shark and a man. All that remains of them, as we can tell. Is an arm each. You would think having a secret laboratory island would mean higher security and keeping people out. But who needs the extra man power when you have man sharks right? Right.

Well soon after they are devoured. We move on, to within he evil lair of..Science.  Where a man is playing god. Or a heck of a screen saver on his pc.It’s hard to break down, so with the aid of fermented apple juice I will do my best.

It looks like a cloning facility where a woman strapped to a table might be readying for a breeding process which will implant into her body a Sharkman. Or they’ve got her setup to a table and machine extracting stim cells from her body, using then to create a Sharkman from dna coding and changing the cells to fit whatever the hell they need for the unholy science.

But the guy also has a really fun screensaver. It’s a looping screen showing a bio readout for a Sharkman, and how close they are to. I guess cloning, birthing one?

All we know for sure. Is Mad Scientist man is not happy with results so far. He is saying their creations is too much shark than he is man. Angry. Aggressive and uncontrollable. Which is demonstrated as he rest his hand idly by a large fish tank and our good doctor has his hand attacked by a surely enough. Aggressive angry shark.

But enough about that for now. We are moving to the most boring city of all cities. Seattle.

I immediately recognized it by two things. The R2D2 building and the Ferry terminal. Which has changed considerably. Yes we have a building everyone knows as the R2D2 building. It has a rounded dome ceiling and it’s panels are reminiscent of R2D2’s dome head.

But we are here for the evil art of business. Evil business. And ADR. Businessman Whitney is busy with business. Business busy. He’s having a conversation which though he has a phone, is told with himself talking into a microphone. It’s not uncommon in films. They often do pickups and record lines they weren’t able on the day of filming, or simply dub the lines in later. Or in this case likely the hallway was too noisy and the audio unusable. This movie came out in 2001, it’s a but horrible as the ADR audio is right in your ear and not at all coming off like a natural phone conversation.

Well Mr. Whitney is rich from business. What kind of business? The big pharmaceutical kind of business that’s what kind. He has a new pill coming out, to make him even more millions. But he also has something else slipping across his desk. Which seems to be the draw card of our film. It seems local genetic crazy man scientist has been working on pills with stem cells that. In his formula, will allow him total control over the cells to create exactly what he wants. Which is the one thing scientist and doctors have not been able to accomplish. But Doctor King somehow has.

It sounds like an interesting scene and premise. I’d love to hear more. However we don’t get it. What we get instead is a really hilarious character information drop seemingly out of the blue. How its presented, when its presented is just. Well you be the judge.

Mr. Whitney is telling his top lady, Amelia. Our leading lady. That he wants to get full rights to this medication Mr King is working on, he wants to secure them before anyone else so he can make millions. He wants her to go visit him and see what it is he’s working on exactly and learn more about the medication he’s just secured all rights too. He then immediately follows it up with “I know you have a history with Doctor King, but that’s in the past, you need to let it go and move on so you can do this now.”, It’s sort of jarring how that just gets tossed out there like “Yes Floyd I want you to escort our new executives around town. So take them to a classy place. I know you went to a strip club a month ago and got the worst rash of your life on top of crabs. But you need to get over that and buckle down buddy. We need these guys to feel welcome, and not like they need to sanitize their hands after being near you.”

There’s a time and a place. This is neither. Also it appears she is dating someone on this companies board and they immediately raise the highest curious eyebrow since Dwayne Johnson did so on WWE.

Well obviously you drop something like that you need to explain it. So apparently she was engaged to his son many years back, and it unfortunately did not work out. His son died 5 years ago to that day and she hasn’t been in contact with that family since then.

My shark senses are tingling. Could the mad scientist be trying to bring his son back via sharkman? Manshark. I mean honestly how much shark versus how much man are we talking here. It really makes a difference in the name.

But enough about that. Who needs more setup and backstory. We surely don’t. But god it’d be nice.

Instead we are headed back to Nightmares of Humanity island. Where we are greeted by the visage of a sweaty medicated woman in a super translucent bra that makes you wonder why even bother when you can see what kind of lipstick shade would best fit her via her nipple color. You know you clicked on that article when you saw it. I know you did.

rrf

Our mad doctor King is at it again. This time doing what all great villains do. Monologue his evil. He finally feels he’s reached the point he can successfully disseminate…basically he believes he has found a way to make a child less of an eating machine, and more of a normal human being. But one with as he declares “The superior strength of a Hammerhead shark, coupled with the intellect of a man.”

As he is saying this, we are preparing our mostly nude female subject. For what I can’t really say. They had her strapped down for several scenes and being seemingly experimented on. But now she is. Let free, misted with some sort of drug, and able to roam freely on drugs through the potted plant section of Lowes. It’s seriously just a room with a bunch of plants and vinyl laminated floors. She’s roaming around damp breast out , and being stalked by the Predator.

Sorry no. It’s just something mimicking the throat noises of The predator. It’s a sharkman. Thee Sharkman. He is stalking her. I am assuming they wanted him to mate with her possibly? Or they decided to get rid of her so they fed her to the shark. Manshark. Sharkman.

Sharkman.

But enough about that. We have some important business to handle.

BUT BEFORE THAT! We need to address that this film will test your knowledge of film actors. See. If you look up this film under its title of Sharman, and not Hammerhead. You will for one receive a different name of cast, and a far shorter list. But you will also miss out on something I do enjoy in this movie, and a shame on you if you didn’t spot the actor playing Dr. King. It is none other than our own lord of Re-Animators, Jeffrey Combs. Granted in old age makeup which is late 90’s good. But still. His voice is unmistakable and I love that he’s in this. Sorry for him being in it, but glad our suffering is reduced somewhat. He makes the shark rants worth hearing out, and he’s made for things like this. Which is both good and sad.

But bless him none the less.

So back to what we were discussing. Remember how Amelia’s boss told her to go and see what it was exactly that King was up too? How he’s sending her off there and the whole ordeal of, having to face the father of the deceased son she was engaged too and avoided for 5 years?

Well apparently her boss, when he said “I am sending you” actually meant “We all could use a vacation so I’m bringing the entire board to science horror island.”

Because literally everyone is going. From her boss and his new girlfriend, to Amelia and her love interest, all the way up to and included our favorite couple. Who nobody knows.

This is what we call lining the bodybags. These people are here for our slaughter. They just decided to awkwardly do so while forgetting they told us that only Amelia was going. Sort of like how they released this in 2001 as Sharkman, but then renamed it and released it in 2005 as Hammerhead. But who’d bring that up.

So back to Dr Fun time King. It’s getting confusing and making sense. Apparently they killed off the girl earlier. Because she was a failed part of the experiment? I am only guessing here as we have another lady this time. Writhing in agony. Also strapped to a table and. In the process of giving birth it seems. Birth to a manshark hammerhead? Or Hammerhead Sharkman. Sharkman.

It’s a miracle of science! She’s going to be the first human shark mother bringing into this world a swimming finned bundle of aaaand she’s dead.

She died in child birth, and her deformed ugly baby is dead also. King is not impressed by this, and leaves let down,

But his sadness will be short lived, as it seems our guest have arrived at Isla Nublar.

I’m joking of course, or am I.

Forget the fact the facility looks like Jurassic Park, forget that they arrive in jeeps, forget the John Williams music, and a tour of freakish creations that could kill you.

Yes. We get a tour of his greenhouse. Which is full of carnivorous plants that could poison you or eat you. Whichever it feels like at that moment. We are also getting ready for a dinner. As well as learning this island is almost an Island of another Doctors. Who liked genetic mutation experiments between humans and animals.

Of course nothing bad could possibly happen here on this island. Where Doctor King is going to be surrounded by his former colleagues, whom all betrayed him. Amelia’s boss who stole his research and cost him his job. Amelia who doesn’t wish to see him or be near him, her lover who took his job position. Naturally these people are safe.

I mean how could they be anything but save on an island with freakish experiments, a three eyed pig for dinner at a BBQ, complete with sexy dancers and fireworks. It’d be crazy to think they would all be killed off one by one.

Or. IS. It.

Well partying and dancing is fine, but we came here for the mad science. And we need to hear more about it obviously, so we can get this ball rolling on what you likely have already solved 10 or 20 minutes back.

That the Sharkman is going to end up being his dead son. Because why not.

Well we shall see. For now, it is the time. Of Doctor King to tell us what he’s been up to exactly. And what his medication can truly do.

It can do everything.

Essentially. It can cure cancer, making it a thing of the past, repair damaged hearts, brain cells.

If you took bets on whether or not. He brought back his son? You would be correct.

Our dreaded nightmare of a creation, The man who is mostly shark but half a man. Is indeed Paul.

On the pluss side, Paul is cured of his cancer that was supposed to have killed him 5 years ago. On the downside he’s a flesh crazing Sharkman.

Just as a healthy aside, I think it only fair to mention this for any future scientist. If you intend on creating a superior race of human beings by blending and splicing DNA from sharks or any other number of nightmare beast. Maybe don’t tell people about it. Maybe just stick too and market your research drug that could cure cancer and restore organs to healthier fully functional organs. It can save you a lot of awkwardness and people freaking out.

Dr. King did not do this. He instead went from selling his friends on a presentation. Where he admits what the drug he created is capable of. As well as its limitless possibilities once it goes global. But he also has to mention his crowning achievement. Saving his son from cancer and making him a super powered human shark hybrid. Well understandably Amelia’s boss is disgusted by this knowledge. So they declare it is time to end this party, and head back to sane island.

Well Mr. King will not allow this. It’s his island after all. So he can do whatever he likes and they just have to deal.

Everyone begins to understand that the man they collectively screwed over and forced into isolation, could be an evil island scientist. They are even more sure of this, when he calls out his armed guards carrying AK 47’s, and shows them his hammerhead shark boy son.

He doesn’t expect them to survive, no. He expects them to die. So the games begin. Doctor Kings true intentions.

He has orchestrated this meeting and BBQ as a means of testing his son. He has test him. Test his hunting, his strength, his intelligence. Everything. Against a group of tough Seattle yuppies. I mean….when you run out of homeless and junkies. I guess Seattle is where you go for….no. You just don’t.

So our brave idiot targets find themselves in a room that is quickly flooding with water. Which will lead to them having a friendly not so friendly possibly face eating meetup with Dr Kings shark son. See now that’s a fun title. Shark Son. Sharkson. I could do this all day. Anything but this movie. Really it’s not all that bad but it’s really not that good.

So our group just fight to survive now. They have limited options. Either they try collectively to close a door which cannot be closed and is going to continue draining water into their room. Or they ignore it and climb the mythical “Ladder of Freedom”, They choose the ladder. But only after the room is nearly flooded waist deep in water. They aren’t the best. But they’re Seattle bright.

They manage to escape being made into a feast for Sharkman, and find themselves on a lovely beach once more. Hunted, cold, and at least a few of them hopefully pondering how safe it was to ingest 3 eyes pork.

Seriously would you eat mutated pork? I’d kind of worry, but it is science. Science can be delicious.

Or it’ll mutate your insides. Anyway.

Our group is soon faced with the realization, they are stuck here. That either King will slowly get them and feed them to his boy, or they may actually reach the safety of finding a boat. Some way of getting off the island. They also have to try their hardest not to die from stupidity. Which is easier said than done.

It’s also demonstrated for us. As our business casual group traverse the terrain. The new girlfriend of our rich boss, slips to the ground. Her poor foot slips and is dunked in water.

It’s goddamn hilarious.

Seriously. Her foot falls into the water, JUST her foot. People start panicking and losing their collective shit. The music goes super tense. She’s got her foot in the equivalent of a puddle. But they’re acting like it’s a water vortex sucking her down.

It isn’t. She’s not.

So we are reminded just just fragile life really is, and the need for them to be careful!

Which leads to another great scene.

These clowns spot a boat. In the middle of the water. They assume this is a trap. Who would leave an escape boat in the middle of the water. Honestly.

So these collective geniuses have decided. Lets go to the boat. They will leave behind the two women, and the three businessmen will swim. Yes swim. In the water Sharkman is swimming in. To get to the boat. To try to talk to whatever captain may be there, or bribe him to take them to safety, as Amelia’s boss is mega rich, so much richer than Dr. King.

So these men swim out there to meet up with the boat. Swimming the deadly shark infested waters, while trying to avoid dangerous shark men. In the same waters.

They make it to the boat, there IS an actual captain. He’s even wearing a captains vest and cap. Because sure why not, makes sense. They start off with brave Tom. Tom has a calm approach. Let’s talk to the captain. See if we can get him to reason with us. Give us a ride out of here. If it fails we can try bribing him. See what he wants and they can offer him. So Tom attempts this dialog, he gets as far as “Can you please give us a ride.”, before Amelia’s boss immediately interjects “We’ll pay you!” throwing himself forward. The captain is like a scared kitten so he immediately resorts to pulling out hia pistol. Apparently he likes to squeeze gats till his clips are empty. This plan is not going well at all.

The gunfire is heard by other guards. They are the best guards a budget can buy you.

How do we know they are great guards? Because they elevate this damn scene to comical splendor. As our group of three male try hards struggle to take down an elderly ships captain. Two guards along the shore appear. Armed with AK 47’s. They are witnessing this event and decide, well. They didn’t get dressed up for nothing. So they fire the highly accurate AK47’s

If you know anything about these rifles? Accuracy is the furthest thing from what they represent. When you see people letting fly an entire clip of ammo from one? It’s not to look cool. It’s because it takes an entire clip to land a few shots at what you intended to hit. So needless to say, the same applies to now.

In their attempt to help out. They are destroying not only the boat. Not only their own people AS WELL as the business people. They are killing every fish in sight and even the water. There is nothing safe from their devastation.

This entire plan has failed magnificently.

But it’s just the start.

The boat is blown up. So no one is leaving via boat. Shakman is eating anyone it can. But somehow skips out of Amelia’s boss. However it does go after Tom. But he must not have tasted good as he spits him out. Our only hope is that Tom feels a bit broken inside now because of this rejection. Amelia wants to tend to his wounds and keep the group together, find a new path and a new plan.

But her boss is not having any of it! He and his girlfriend are getting off this island! Alone!!!

So the two take off for their own wacky island adventure. Which will go every which way but well naturally.

If it seems like I’m no longer fighting to stay awake for this film, and am not energized. It’s because something worth a damn is finally happening in this movie! See late 90’s early 2000’s films had this magic to them. The made for tv films put your ass to sleep faster than Tylenol PM, There’s no explaining it. It just works that way.

But yes! We have things happening. It only took 40 minutes to get there. But. Get. There. We. Did!

And oh its worth while. Her boss is a treasure to behold, and his lines are mesmerizing. As he and his blonde young lady friend go traversing through the forest, He is reciting A Midsummer Nights Dream, in an attempt to charm and relax both of them. Help make light of their situation. Which falls flat as his girlfriend is far more concerned with living, and the state of her shoes. They have a cellphone with them, which because of the time it was made, looks like a house phone. Really cellphones back in the day are a trip to look back on. Well they still have no signal. The entire island has no satellites around it, and no phone signal. But what it does have? Are ravenous hungry wrap around you vines!

Which are kind of rapey looking. I’m not projecting. I’m not. It’s just. If you’ve seen the Evil Dead. You know what trees can do. But also the fact these fines wrap around Boss mans lady friend. And its highly suggested that these vines are, not just around her thighs, but up higher and aimed a particular direction. It’s gross, it’s weird. It’s not anywhere as fun as Evil Dead was. But what makes it fun. Is that Boss man see’s this happen. Julie his blonde young girlfriend is screaming, and he remains semi calm telling her “Julia shut up. Shut up Julie. Julie shut up.”

How better a way for you to know your boyfriend cares to save your life. Than to hear him repeatedly tell you to shut the hell up while you scream preparing to die. “It’s okay, your fine. You still have your sunglasses.” He actually says this, as he beats the vines. With a rock. Freeing her and the two limp off.

That was insane, and it actually happened. I won’t ask why. I will just accept it and embrace it. It was needed. Thank you.

So the island needs more henchmen. Which is weird. They need henchmen, so they can capture the group. They want the shark to kill them. So that means either separating them. Or gathering them and placing them in areas the shark can attack them. Problem solve and hunt them down.

But they are heavily arming these guards, and the guards are shooting on sight. They’re even preparing traps to take them out. It’s sending a lot of mixed messages honestly.

But no matter. Our group of Boss and girlfriend are on the movie. They are not giving up yet. They manage to make their way not only to the coast. But find the highest point on the island…supposedly. So this means they should try their cellphone again.

Julie is not so sure about this. She doesn’t feel safe out there. But he shuts her up telling her they’re fine and besides. “Sharks don’t walk on land. Idiot.”

Sharks may not. True. But Sharkman can! Also helicopters can work above ground. And that’s exactly what finds them. Boss man shouts for Julie to run. But that bitch is already way ahead of him and sprinted minutes ago. Good thing too because boss man gets taken out with a missile fired from the helicopter. Again mixed signals.

How ever Julie is back in the forest and feeling safe. Because again, Sharks don’t walk on land. Unless they’re Sharkman. She is deader than dead. She is chow. Devoured and nothing more than a wet blood stain on the ground.

As for group 2? Well they are fairing a little better. They managed to find the morgue of all places. Which is housing as you’d guess it. The bodies on the island. Which include a few females. As well as an information dump.

It turns out we were semi right in the beginning after all. These women died pregnant, or during giving birth. He was capturing and using women to try and breed with his son the Sharkman. But they either died in child birth, or his son would eat them in the not pleasant way.

We also learn that this Sharkman has a weakness. It’s out of control and its body is swarming with lethal amounts of nitrogen. Sharks have and pump out large amounts of nitrogen. Humans however cannot. This is something that sharks use to tell pray apart. They feel this is something they can use and vow to look more into it.

But not right now. As they need to keep moving.

Because this story is getting dangerously closer to something resembling a third act. In fact we only have about 35 minutes left! Who will survive! Do we care?!

Well the guards care about who survives. They’re being offered a HUGE bonus for whoever finds and brings in the survivors. Again mixed signals.

Of course this puts our group in Peril. But it also means we have room for more comedy. A lot more comedy.

Like the fact Boss man is alive! He survived the direct missile attack. He was almost picked up by guards but thanks to Sharkman attacking them he escaped. Leaving a perfectly fine jeep for Boss man to take off in. A jeep they could use to escape in possibly? Or at least drive around the island. No the jeep doesn’t blow up!

NO a sharkman does not attack the jeep!

Instead something great happens. Our group spots him driving the jeep. At first they assume its guards so they ready to fire. But then they see, oh. It’s her boss. So instead of flagging him down, Amelia shouts his name. He turns and looks to her, and drives the jeep directly into a tree destroying its engine.

What the hell even is this movie.

Of course he’s fine and doesn’t care that they startled him and he nearly died. Again.

However what he does care about. They all should care about. Is they are going to meet a possibly friend! One of the evil Dr Kings assistance, a Romanian sounding woman. Has decided she is done with all of this. She will take no further part in what is now obviously the doctors mad attempt at revenge. Sure getting women raped by a sharkman and genetically mutating DNA is evil and all. But its far better a science, than the science of revenge.

So she’s offering to help the group out. Taking them to an airfield possibly, where a helicopter could be of use to them.

Well she gets rocketed off the island by a rocket, and ends up devoured by Sharkman. So her time to shine is gone. Seriously it all happens in the blink of an eye and it’s rather funny in a bad way. The group finds themselves once more on the run through harsh nature and forest. Being stalked lazily by a man shark which is the most hilarious rubber suit.  And again by guards who don’t understand what bring them back alive means.

But thankfully they won’t have to worry much longer. The group stops for a minute as the last surviving blonde on the island begins to itch as large bumps forming all over her. She is immediately told, like all mothers know to tell us. Stop itching, or you’ll make it worse. Well she is her own woman! She doesn’t need others telling her what not to itch. So yes she keeps itching her leg, her thigh, her hands. Her face. Before you know it her whole body is covered in puss bubbles and she is poisoned by something that’s only getting worse. Amelia begins to consider. They should find something to neutralize the poison and help her. But their friend has decided, fuck that. I’m going to bath myself in the river water.

 Of course Sharkman also enjoys river water. He’s a brackish shark. Apparently.

Yes she does get devoured. While boss man continues to tell them they should leave, and leave her because she’s just going to die anyway and they should get to the chopper. He is told to shut up each time he said leave her. Only to be proven right when the group DOES finally leave her, but only once the sharkman is halfway through eating her body.

For the sake of saying, this island really is horrible. I mean between the roaming sharkman, guards shooting missiles like they were on sale at Lowes. And every plant on the island is mutated to kill you. It’s not what I’d call a vacation destination. Let alone a place you’d work from.

So when your boss tells you, his henchmen. To go out and bring his murder crazed constantly hungry shark son back and into his water cage. You would have every right to question if you want to do this. Or how you will want to die.

Well this assistant doesn’t have that choice. Instead he is mounted and devoured by the sharkman. Because we needed the body count this late in the game. We really didn’t. But we’re getting it. It’s appreciated. But not really.

Speaking of body count. The orders are still to bring in the survivors. By any means necessary. Because fuck it why stop trying to kill them now.

What this means is that our group, thanks to taking out a few guards who tried killing them. Are now armed. Boss man informs us he used to fight in ‘the big war’, and he can pilot a helicopter. So we have the possibility of escape.

So lets look at this setup. We have guards, heavily armed to peacefully take in the survivors. Survivors are armed with weapons that never run out of ammunition. We got ourselves a battle people.

And it is a comical battle for the ages. We got Boss man grandpa with an AK shooting guards off boats. Taking out mercenaries like it’s going out of style. Even Tim is chipping in and apparently has carried a deep sated bloodlust in an office job that only needed to be triggered with an automatic rifle on murder island.

This is of course also a point the movie falls into the 90’s action crazy logic. Which is, if you are evil, and have your own island. This means you have a crazy amount of guards in an otherwise before established facility with only a handful of guards.

Yes, the guards turn into a machine pumping them out one after the other. Giving us an action scene and body count to make you feel justified in investing in this story. But to be fair it did this also weirdly during the BBQ where it went from a handful of guards. A PRIVATE. ISLAND. With scientist and guards only. To suddenly we have male and female Hula dancers and fireworks.

The point of having an evil science island is to keep it away from the public eye. Not on the other side of the Ramada Inn.

So during this Blitzkrieg of bullet fire, actual fire, and blood raining from the sky. Our heroes make it to their escape helicopter. All looks to be in their favor. Old Boss Man is starting up the engines, proving he wasn’t full of crap. They’ve go fuel and are good to go. Even Amelia is ready. But Tom is still quenching his blood thirst. Seriously it’s the weirdest and funniest thing seeing this guy in a sleeveless white shirt under his business shirt, and khaki’s toting an AK and slaughtering everyone with a stone cold murderer gaze.

Dude pushes pencils on a desk. Now he’s got a hardon for murder.

Well, old Boss Man is still his old self. He wants to leave now. If Tim wants to go out in a hailstorm of bullets and death, let him. But Amelia fights him naturally. Because we hadn’t learned three previous times already waiting gets people killed.

The entire time they are waiting for Tim, the helicopter is taking massive damage. It’s beginning to leak fuel even. So as Tim approaches, they ready to FINALLY take off, and away from this island. Amelia alerts everyone the helicopter is about to explode!

How the hell does she know what a helicopter is going to do or not do?

Oh she was right. It exploded.

Well have no fear. Our cast of survivors are immune to Missiles. Rockets. Flaming helicopter crashes. And three eyes bbq pork. They are however not immune to Sharkmen.

So yes they survive. However they got the wind knocked out of them. Normally the guards would be shooting their bodies full of lead. But they actually learned the meaning of “Take them alive”, so they bring them back to the lab. Alive.

I don’t know why this movie chose it’s last few moments to become hilarious. But it did. It’s like being n a cruise ship and having to suffer the crews variety show, and suddenly someone gets the bright idea to try something risqué like pulling the shorts down on one of the older crew members and the audience who is also elderly gasp and giggle uncontrollably as the boring act of death was suddenly made entertaining.

But this movie is doing it. And I appreciate it.

There on the operating table, are Amelia and her boss. Her boss is funny as hell. He moans out “Where are we? Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhg.”

It’s a sentence. He said it. Acted it word for word. It’s not even a natural groan. It’s just one of those overly acted and emphasized to be a dickhole when someone tells you to do something so you go “UUuuuuuuhg Fine!” It’s hilarious and highly out of place. But who cares. We got ten minutes left.

Well it appears the guard were able to capture everyone BUT Tim. As Tim finds himself on a boat, searching for more weapons. Which doesn’t make sense as he has an entire field of corpses loaded with ammunition and rifles. But whatever.

He’s gearing up for a rescue mission.

While Dr King is preparing Amelia for a breeding tube. Yep. She’s stripped down to bra panties and a slip. Remember she’s business dressed still. She’s being put into a tube and we scarily might be gearing up for an intimate encounter of the shark making kind.

Amelia ”Your going to impregnate me?”

Dr King “No…he is.”

Good god they had to say it to make it clear.

But Dr King is showing he’s learned from his previous attempts. Since his son either eats the woman and kills them. Ignores the woman, and kills them. He feels feeding his son before mating, might help him to focus on wanting to bang. So King is going to sacrifice Amelia’s Boss, as a pre baby making meal.

Amelia is strapped in her tube, drugged and made to hover over a water tank. Ready for love, of the shark kind.

Dr King calls out to his son, figured if his son can pick up Amelia’s scent, it may trigger a human response, trigger his memory. Trigger his love for her.

Instead Sharkman attacks and rips off his fathers arm. He’s more shark than man after all it seems. Now we just have Amelia hovers above our shark. Ready for love.

But her boyfriend isn’t going to get cucked! He shows up with. God help me.

A harpoon gun, which he uses to take out a guard. A pistol to take out another, and an industrial leaf blower converted to pump out liquid nitrogen. Which he showers. All over Sharkmans face.

It was at this point. The movie new it was screwed. Seriously. The movie hit a moment where it had too much to try and explain.

Like for instance. If your lead female is hanging 2 feet above the water of a water tank with the dangerous Sharkman. You can’t move the tube to free her safely. You need to do so over the tank. The way the tube holds her? There is no way for this to happen. She would have to be moved by crane away from the tank, then slide out through the middle. Doing this over the tank would drop her right into the tank. Into her death. The shark is also the size of a man and can stand up. So how do you rectify this into an ending?

By repeatedly fading in and out.

Yes. That’s what happens.

Her boyfriend is attacking the shark with a stream of nitrogen, stopping so he can free Amelia. Amelia is climbing out of the straps and into his arms. The shark is standing up and growling. Getting a face full of nitrogen. All of this is happening with fade ins and fade outs to black. So they don’t have to show you this makes no sense. They just use the cuts to make it, make sense.

And then the shark blows up.

All the nitrogen to the face blew its head up. But that’s not the end. We now have to blow this lab up! Including the embryo room. All of it! So no one ever conducts these experiments again!

Which means one more jump scare boss right? Right.

It’s no surprise. Its Dr King. He was after all only missing an arm. So he pops up holding an Ak, “I am afraid, I can’t let you do that. My dear” he says to Amelia. But then her boyfriend shoots him and he’s dead. Problem solved.

They torch the place and we get a large scale horrendous CGI shot of the greenhouse exploding as out two now fully in love characters run in slow motion and escape the blast. Proclaiming their love for each other as we fade out on the sunset and the credits roll.

The End.

OR IS IT?!!!

Yes it is.

Right so let’s begin. Right off the bat. This movie was a sleeper. Like I joked about but was also being honest. This movie, like Shark Attack. Just has this late 90’s screen haze to it and slowness that puts you to sleep more than it does reel you in. It’s not that it wasn’t made well. It’s made. Okay. Just tv movies back in the day, were not known for their quality. They really were sleeper films. This carried on even and up to the early 2000’s. So the film isn’t the best. The acting was okay. It wasn’t low grade by any stretch. You had the usual casting for a project like this which was a mix of no names, named, and past known actors working together. We had Jeffrey Combs, William Forsythe and Arthur Roberts. Most of whom had careers in day time soaps. Which is also a thing itself watching actors who are used to Soap opera acting over Hollywood filmmaking.

It’s a lot of little things, that all come together and make either a mildly entertaining thing, or they make something that will help you pass out finally. Unfortunately this was one you had to fight to make it past the first 30 minutes of to get interested, and even then it was more an interest out of the silliness of what was happening more than anything.

Yes the silliness makes this film a good pay off, but does it mean its worth watching for? Not especially. There is a lot better out there you can waste an evening on. But it’s not entirely that bad. It’s interesting. Interesting more because how it was made during that period of transition for low budget films. Where you were still seeing practical effects, but CGI was becoming more a thing you’d see. It sounds dumb when you think of it like that, I know. But CGI really did take a while to move and be adapted to other films. For a long time it was super expensive so not everyone used it. And then came a torrent of CGI programs and plug ins that ranged from god awful, to things me and my sister used to play with for fun.

So seeing a tv movie use a combination of both terrible low grade TV CGI, and practical effects? Like man in suit. I can appreciate that, but I won’t endorse the film for that alone. I learned that lesson.

I famously told my cousin and sister Deep Blue Sea was an amazing movie. I tried explaining why I dug it. I loved it because of all the references to the ALIENS franchise scattered through the film. I just thought it was really fun and the movie was so dumb I enjoyed it.

They absolutely hated it and me for telling them it was a great film. They didn’t hear me on why I loved it so much. They just heard “its GRRRRREAT!” and I got the blame for it.

Yeah, if a film is mildly entertaining but overall forgettable and not worth it? It’s safer to leave it as a film to put on when you want guest to leave after a party. Or you just get curious.  Just know what you are getting in for.

Like all tv movies the kills were very minimal on gore and followed tv grading. But this did get away with blood puddles, Mostly because you didn’t see squirting blood, and the mic of CGI shark attacks, mixed with prop arms that had additional fake flesh latex added for ‘torn’ flesh effects. You got away with it, so long as there wasn’t “gore” like muscle tissue, goop, or muck blood piles. It’s funny thinking about when you realize what they would classify as too much, given we live in the age of violence and gore from Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.

TV’s come a long way. But things like this can stay where they were.

I can’t hate on it too much. There’s nothing really to criticize so much as again just chuckle over.

I’m glad the silliness was there, otherwise I would’ve really had a struggle on my hands. When I review these, like I’ve said before. I do a live watch along while I write. So an hour and a half movie? With breaks and pauses for writing, or snacks? An hour and a half movie can take 3 hours or so to write up. So yeah. If a movie is so boring it puts you to sleep? The review becomes your entire evening. So we try to avoid that. Thankfully this didn’t turn out like that.

As for what the hell this was? Hammerhead, Sharkman? That’s anyones guess. Usually its what happens when a tv movie gets made and premieres on tv first. Where it usually goes to die or be forgotten. Then sees distribution release and can sometimes go under a different name as to try and lure you in to thinking it’s a different movie, and not the one you ignored or fell asleep during on tv. So in that sense it works out and makes sense why they would. But its still anyones guess. Any name you give it. It’s still just a so so movie, even if you skip the first 35 minutes.

But you can trust me on it, or venture out yourself onto the island if plant death, sharkman death, and guards who will kill you as a means of taking you in alive.