SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 20 Shark Encounters of the Third Kind!!

Day 20 Shark Encounters of the Third Kind

All roads have come to this point. A film I was recommended, Which when I receive recommendations, I always go for. Unless you are pants crapping insane and living in a dumpster. Well okay maybe. But it is also another collaboration between Mark Polonia and John Oak Dalton. Whom you will recall were part of the forces behind Noah’s Shark.

Which was not so well received on our end.

I saw the trailer for this. I know what I’m getting into, and getting ready for. So let us begin and dive on in. With hopes set at a safe spot.

Shark Encounters of the Third Kind

Tagline: We are REALLY not alone!

Synopsis: A group of aliens crash land at the bottom of the ocean, and via mind control use sharks to terrorize a small town full of secrets in the hopes of completing their invasion mission. It’s up to a disparate group of townspeople to sort it out, but in the end it’s sharks versus aliens in a surprising climax.

That. Well. It sounds promising, and we will hope so. It’s another WildEyes release as well. Which has put out a few of the films on our list too. I really am hoping for the best here, and not just because I bought this.

Yeah. I actually bought the DVD.

It’s not like If the film is bad I’ll take it out back shoot it, burn it and bury it. But It will sit on my shelf as a reminder of my decision making. So lets get into it shall we? I’m ready. I’m sober, and the music on this dvd main menu is not exactly something you want to keep going through your atmos speakers for longer than 3 minutes.

We have found ourselves reunited with a familiar face once more. Our local exorcist priest Jeff Kirkendall. He and a buddy are waiting topside on a boat as another man monologues about his journey beneath the surface.

His tone reading the lines, I like it. It’s sort of…commentary track over a video and he’s doing it like a Jungle Boat Cruise skipper. That’s not a bad thing, I loved that ride growing up, But I just love his lines, “Damnit…sharks. Those two never told me there were sharks everywhere. It’s looking bad. Keep your distance my friend, I have no business with you”

It’s just fun.

So our friend is scuba diving and scoping out the wreckage of a ship. He’s here hunting for treasure and trying to decide what looks to be the best site of approach and noting any dangers he’ll have to deal with. Like the friendly shark. It’s fun because the tone that’s played with here. You have a guy doing very much a serious heist sounding dialog, But then in the midst of this, a woman dives into the water just having fun. He considers this a win win! He’ll look for treasure, and there’s a hot babe in a bikini! What could go wrong!

Oh nothing really. She’s just fine.

UNTIL SHE ISN”T!

Shark attack!

Our diver is, as Egon Spangler. Terrified beyond the capacity of rational thought.

Seriously the man is not one for delivering emotion in his words. But it’s fine, everything is fine. Because the shark isn’t done yet! Yes the shark takes him too! This film isn’t messing around, and. I gotta say. After having experienced shark effects these guys did with Virus Shark? This is a step up.

The shark is appropriately poorly cgi’d but. It works. It’s cheesy and fun. The deaths are handled as most of these prefer. Shark swims up and off screen. Blood floods the screen. CGI blood. I’m so used to it now it’s actually fine. But using the grade of CGI blood they did, with the shark? Its fun. It looks appropriate and honestly I like the tone of this so far.

What made me laugh before anything else happened, because I could actually hear my sister laughing in my head. Is we cut from the horror under the sea. To a chubby man sitting on the beach, wearing scuba gear. A shirt, and shorts. It’s like he was waiting for a moment. His moment. THIS moment. Before going into the water as he was. I could hear my sister laughing and telling me, “That’s you!’. My sister and her love for throwing me under the bus and our years long joy of tossing fun insults at one another has brought me to this point. I also agree. That would be me sitting on the beach alone, wearing scuba gear. Just cuz.

Well he gets the star treatment. We are greeted once again to my favorite effect from Noah’s Shark, which I even opted to use for the screenshot on the review. The green screen an actor under the ocean and add CGI bubbles. Its silly yes. It’s bad I know. But its funny, especially with this man.

Who also gets devoured in the most horrible of ways. While being monitored by aliens and a hand puppet shark gnawing and pecking at him.

3 deaths! This movie is not playing around!  Heck we even see the start of our story happening before our eyes. The alien ship is descending and splashing down into the ocean. This…this is unexpected.

I was thinking it might be another you know. Slow what the hell is happening where are we and why are we here. But so far. It’s moving along briskly. But we shall see. Oh yes. We shall.

Seriously I want this to be fun because thus far Virus Shark was a blast in bad films and Noah’s Shark felt like it was missing something. Pluss we have more films like this yet to come so. We need some stuff to cheer for.

So what now? After three deaths by shark and an alien crash? We’re burying a cat! Come along!

Oddly enough this is the most fitting cat burial and how I always picture them in my head. Lots of cats hanging around, with different samples of cat meows played repeatedly over the silent cats as their comrade is laid to rest, and a funeral pyre ignited as they join in song into the night.

Only parts of that actually happen, and I will let you guess which. It’s not the pyre or the singing. Why are we here?

Well a woman is burying her cat and her green screened furry friends are nearby watching. More importantly over the why are we here part is the reasonable what in the name of Oden is the sound of water draining down a sink doing in this scene.

We don’t have time for that! As Doctor K is approaching, a blonde in a fitting blue dress, asking our lady friend Camilla if she’s burying another cat.

Camilla tells us that yes, she was. As we just saw. And mentions how her father used to always let her do so. Until K came along. Shots fired Cammy! Damn.

This looks like a caring relationship and I hope we can get more into it. But before that I must inform you that, thanks to a question posed by Doctor Special K. We learn why the noise of water draining down a sink was added to the film during that scene.

“Why do you mark their graves?”

Cammy.

Cammy is a special woman. She loves cats, I can’t fault her there, I love cats too. But marking their graves.

By marking, she means pissing on.

Okay I take that back movie. You brought me to the why are we here, and now you got me asking kindly, for a reasonably priced answer to just what the hell is going on here.

Granted I am sure we all have a family member whom we’d like to send off on their voyage to the afterlife by pissing on their grave as a final farewell. But what the hell. Also why does her peeing sound like water going down a sink drain? Don’t answer that. Please god. Don’t answer that.

But she does inform us that her reason for peeing on the graves of her fallen feline soldiers, is so ‘they’ don’t dig up their bodies. When prompted what she could mean by they. She motions to the sky, “Them”

The plot, like the sand she pissed on, thickens.

Well, this movie has a lot on its mind. So we have to move along. Better to look ahead than to look behind yes? Right. Yeah….

So we return to our two thieves in their boat, wondering where their diving friend went off too. They don’t think to entertain the possibility he could be dead. Or that the large body of blood on the surface of the water could be connected to either their friend or the girl that dived in close by. Instead? They determine he may have cut his line and swindled them out of their cut of the treasure. Which, to be fair. That could happen. If you get stuck doing the leg work in a treasure heist. You absolutely reserve the right to cut and run.

Only this is a Polonia shark movie. So it’s not so simple. While they discuss these possibilities, and the movie list off lazily with some random insert shots of a beautiful island, stock shots of a sunken boat, and back to our CGI blood thirsty shark. We are treated to what can only be described as. Shark undulations. Or a hand stretching out around the dorsal fin and expanding the latex. It’s just weird. But also funny.

This summons forth Thundercat powers, or the aliens. And sparks of light begin to emit under and above the water as the shark growls out.

What is going on, I have no idea.

But if you are prone to epileptic seizures. You are not going to have a good time.

However I am. I actually laughed pretty hard. These two knuckleheads seeing these flashes. Calmly exclaim to one another “We should get out of here now.”

I express. They do this very calmly, nearly politely, for two thieves who’s partner could be dead or missing with their treasure. And seeing flashing lights under water.

But that’s not what made me laugh. No. It’s the rest of what they saw. That we are now seeing.

Their boat, is racing away. From a giant BALL of flashing light and beams.

This is not something you stare at and Breen your way through because you are the coolest cat in town. This is something you both flood and fill your pants at the same time and scream while going full throttle as you escape it. Or drive into it, Manifest destiny and all that. But no they take the cool calm approach. Which makes me love it.

It’s like happening on an alien invasion, seeing a field of half vaporized corpses, an alien army seeing you. Then you just pick up a rock from the ground, nod. Turn and walk off while whistling. I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m enjoying the madness.

Speaking of madness, we get someone’s office room in a public building. We’ll call it harbor patrol as there is a man who answers the phone as such. He’s being called out to investigate as our Dear Special K found a decapitated head. A head, which has no name.

Yes that’s a reference to Highlander. I’m not sorry.

So he can confirm, this is indeed a severed head. He doesn’t care. Which is great. He just tells her ‘The sharks are pretty bad this time of year” However, he does notice something off. As the head is bobbing up and down in the water. “Hey, those don’t look like bite marks. They look like laser burns.”

That there is some lemon scented bullshit.

Of course a coast guard man would be familiar with laser burns. OF COURSE!!

More importantly though. Special K wants to know his plans for the collection of the head. He doesn’t have any plans. Actually he didn’t plan on collecting the head at all. She has to make him do his job. Which he seems indifferent about. He’s joking about if she has a plastic bag or not, because he doesn’t have one and it’d be highly useful. This goes on for a while and he even jokes about putting it over some ice. Which. He tells her was a joke. So she doesn’t think he’s an asshole. He’s just admittedly sometimes an asshole. But it keeps him alive.

I can’t explain why little things like that entertain me, but they do. Is just silly quipping and a go nowhere moment. But it cracks me up. Always has.

But enough about that for now. This is a short movie, we have a lot going on in a little span of time. So that means jumping around and unfolding this burrito.

Which brings me to a slap in the face by this movie and a moment I had to stare at the screen like a dog with its head turned to the side in confusion.

Our scuba diver, the man in shorts and shirt. He. He’s alive? Somehow?!

So the shark nuzzling and nibbling wasn’t fatal just passionate?! WHAT?!!!

Even more confusing. He lives in a room full of toys and anime?! WHAAAAAAAAAT?!

Now he’s having dreams of. Oh god.

He was abducted by aliens. While the shark…held him for the aliens to grab him? Is. Is that what happened? I’m watching the movie and I’m asking you all what just happened and how. Why?

This mans home is full of video games, anime, horror and toys. I want to comment on this, but I have a wall over flowing with movies of varying horrible quality, and just bought markers to help with my Gunpla models. So I can’t. Really. But I am. Because this movie…oh god.

He tries sleeping, only to have his mind racked with memories and flashes of his abduction and possibly probing. We won’t rule it out, though I really want to. He decides to get up out of bed and roam to the next room…only to go back to bed and try again to sleep. Powerful. Engaging. What the hell.

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT THAT. Who needs to ask themselves how someone went from being dead to only being held down by a sharks powers and intimate neck nibbling to being abducted and probed back into our lives, when we have a hot babe in a bikini on the beach!

We KNOW she’s a hot babe in a bikini on the beach, because the film starts playing the hot babe in a bikini on the beach scene music. I have nothing against it. I get it. It’s just a matter of why the long setup for someone we know is going to die. You know?

I enjoy a salad before dinner, but I also like the salad more with croutons and a nice dressing. Otherwise it’s just a salad and asking the waitress for extra dressing to actually coat the salad so you taste it will take so long, your meal will arrive along side the dressing and now you’re rushing your meal.

Well we get to see her arrive first in shorts and a top. Which she can then strip out of, intercut with a CGI shark in a CGI ocean rushing toward us. It’s using shark powers in a much more appropriate way.

This scene. Is the scene we needed with the man in the beginning in scuba gear.

We see her ready to go into the water but she stops. The shark is using some sort of power on her. Or aliens are. Or both. And she ends up bowing down and in a yoga pose you usually go into when you need to relax and breath. But for the sake of the scene it’s a position of submission. Then we see them. Two aliens with ripped plastic shielding their eyes, looming over her. A few wha-wha effects later and she’s mind controlled into the water, and devoured by a shark. Leaving a bloody stump of a leg. Which I award credit. It’s a nice prop severed leg. Really It’s not bad looking. Good job.

So we’re now, going to get some backstory into aliens and abductions. Apparently people on this island have all been visited and abducted at some time or another. As we learn with a man talking to Special K about his abduction. He informs us that some people had positive, and negative chips put in them. I love it.

Not the putting metal in their body, that’s freaking. Ask me sometime about the cyst doctors removed from my skull that had metal in it.

No what’s funny is how he breaks it down. That the aliens put these chips in the people correctly. Or they put them in wrong. Because the positive and negative chipped people can’t stand one another. Because of the energy exchange. So even in space. Aliens sometimes don’t read the panel right and put the watch batteries in wrong side up.

But it gets better. I really do mean that.

Doctor Special K ask him to go over his alien abduction stories again. For our sake. So he recants a tail of his first abduction.

But enough about that for now.

On a pier, a man went wondering off and spotted an Alien, next to an odd machine. The aliens are all wearing black or brown full body robes, or snuggies. Their heads varied from round large green or gray heads. With plastic eyes someone used scissors to cut slits out of to see.

When our man spots this. Alien. He says, and I quote. “You guys aren’t from around here, are ya. Aliens. I knew they were real. I always believed in aliens. Illegal or otherwise. Hey, could I get a picture with you guys?” I mean. This takes place in California. If it were Stockton? I would say. You know what? That’s fair. That Is, completely fair. We had Asparagus festivals in Stockton. This would be fair.

NO the aliens do not pose for pictures with this man! Instead he extends a hand out in high five. But its not a high five of friendship. It’s a ZAP! Got your arm! High five! He zaps this poor bastards arm right off. He didn’t ask for this!.

But wait!

There’s more!!

The mans arm is severed. The alien picks it up, and. Tosses it a few feet toward the shore. A shark races for this yummy treat. We see the alien use…a device. Capturing our puppet shark in a bubble.

It is shrinking this bubble…and bringing it out of the water into the palm of the alien. The alien is using a device to…do something. To the shark?

Where is this happening, what is going on?! Is this a flashback or current event? Did they not have control of the sharks before? Did they have control but now seek to control more sharks? Is this man okay?!!

My brain is being scrambled but I can smell the foie gras and truffle butter so it’s not entirely maddening. It. Makes sense?  Trust me?

But who needs answers! On to the next scene!!

It’s important to note. We are 30 minutes into this movie, and this. All of this. Is what we have going on.

But onward and upward, through the Polonia Chocolate Shark Factory.

We are back with our priest turned heist criminal, in a seedy bar playing pool asking his friend what they should do. It seems they’ve found a new sucker to help them out. Which is a master class in heist planning.

I don’t want anyone getting lost so I will help us catch up with the heist story. So that way we’re all on the same page, if not mentally, at least on paper.

So our former exorcist priest from Noahs Shark. He knows of a story he’s always believed in, and is true. That a submarine, crashed into…Smash Up Island. This submarine? It’s full of Nazi gold. He was told this story many, many times growing up. Don’t laugh. I mean it. Because up the coast around Oregon? A group of kids found a treasure map to a pirates ship, by the name of One Eyed Willy. So. A Nazi submarine smashing into Smash Up Island and sinking with its hull full of Nazi gold. I mean. Well that’s his story. So the sunken ship shot we saw in the beginning. Is supposed to be a submarine. And that’s what we’ll go with.

Now. Him and his partners planned to steal this Nazi gold and split it three ways. However they are minus a partner now. So the plan has changed. They aren’t so concerned now about a new partner to split the treasure. They just need a dumbo dingbat to dive down. Get the treasure for them. And the two of THEM can split it. In fact. Their next partner can be on a strictly need to know basis. Meaning they don’t tell him anything, and they keep everything.

That’s where they’re at with their story and plans. They need to find a new, dumb partner. Who can dive down. Get what they need, and then dump him. Without them ever knowing what they were after.

A simple plan.

So they found a prospect hopeful that fits the bill.

They then tell them about the crashed submarine. The nazi gold. Their partner that left them.

That. That’s an option. Okay. Sure why not. Yolo.

Well he isn’t exactly believing their story. In fact he feels its almost a scam. Which makes these master criminal minds begin to question this mans integrity. In fact, Priestman’s partner thinks he recognizes him from somewhere. Is he a cop?! No! Worse! He’s a reality show star. He was on a survival show, as the partner puts it “running around bare ass like jesus”, which. Is a line. I’ll give that.

“He didn’t do to well on the show, and because of paperwork he signed. He couldn’t sue the show when a snake bit him in the balls.

“So, seeing as being bitten in the balls isn’t a disability.”, I don’t even care. I love that this line got written somewhere, and this man said it.

My sister and her best friend, then later myself. Began this game in college. Where you walk into a fairly crowded place, or better yet your classroom. And begin like you are carrying on a conversation from outside. Which always went like this, “So there I was, balls deep in this guys ass.”

My sister, a respected person in her field. Used to love saying this. Again, ask me sometime about our adventures, but not the slither of metal in a cyst on my skull.

So seeing as he got bit in the balls, and can’t collect any money from the insurance, or sue the show. He could really use the cash. Fortunately for him Priestly man has sympathy for any man bitten in the balls. So the three toast, and a partnership is formed. The heist can once again continue.

BUT ENOUGH. OF THAT. AND BALLS. FOR NOW!

Yes its time to move on. We are back to our shark attacked alien abduction survivor. He’s sorting through his collection of VHS treasures. Until he locates his prize. A tape on Alien Abductions. But not just Alien Abductions. It’s a tape on REAL alien abductions.

More importantly. On top of the VCR, is a Gundam figure! I recognize it, I have one like it. My god maybe I am this man. Is this film like an updated version of The Never Ending Story?! How does it know my name!!!

Anyway that’s all over with. He just wanted to put the video in, flex his hands nervously and listen to stories about alien abductions he could relate too, and learn about the importance of wearing tin foil hats.

Honestly the more of this movie I watch, the more I genuinely wonder if this was filmed around Oregon. Oh I’m sorry, random thought I know.

LIKE THIS MOVIE!! It’s full of random moments that somehow are furthering along A story! 40 minutes have gone by and if you asked me what’s happening, I’d stare at you, point, open my mouth and make a hideous noise.

But trust me.

It. Works. Somehow.

So lets see. We’ve abandoned cat piss lady. But we have caught up with alien abduction shark attack guy, Our thieves. OH. It’s time to catch up with Special K and her abduction group.

She’s busy getting free coffee in a coffee shop, while giving us a bit of backstory about her dad helping people on the island and the belief in alien abductions. We also get an awkward scene of Special K’s mother driving through the woods. Until she pulls over because of radio static and her own alien encounter. Which is genuinely puzzling but in an intriguing way. The alien is trying to connect with her, or dig something out of her mind.  It’s also kind of funny because they’ve tried keeping the aliens sort of shapeless. That’s why the black thick robes. But this alien wasn’t so fortunate. This alien is, well I won’t say it. But it’s a female alien. I leave the rest up to your imagination.

But before we can gain anything more from that scene. It is taken from us, we are brought back to the coffee shop and are now joined by coast guard asshole. Who is back to his jokes and devil may care attitude. He’s here to let us know that he’s free for anything going on, and that the medical examiner is busy with that severed head. Which we get to see.

For the sole purpose of the medical examiner getting her brain scrambled by an alien. I guess they wanted to cover up what the coast guard already told us, which was that lasers cut the head off, not a shark.

BUT most importantly. We learn the identity of the dead mans head. The coffee barista, knows him. Rather he identifies his severed head photo. Which is a severely. Poorly done severed head. I love it, and I’d pay $40 to own it.

$50 tops.

He recognizes him as a drunk guy who talked about nazi gold, hunting treasure and small crimes like that. Well naturally this is. Interesting. But we have to move along. So Special K and Coast guard are going to hang out at her dads home by the ocean. So he can chill there and do his job, scouting out the ocean. From the porch. I love this guys devotion to his job. I’d do the same.

We also have Special K’s mom speeding off cartoonishly down the road. I am guessing the filmed her driving the speed limit, and sped up the film to convey the need for speed. But it was done in a pretty comical way. I don’t hate it. It works. It’s pretty funny.

It’s worth noting though. Well. Two things. One makes no sense. But the other makes it worth while.

So lets go back and catch up a bit. Right.

So the man Special K was talking to, that informed us about positive and negative chips in people who were abducted, and how they can’t stand being in the same room essentially. They can’t communicate. Well he’s back now. He’s also acting weird. He can hear a sensor calling out to him. Messing with his chip. He knows aliens are afoot, and more so. They are likely coming. An abduction is on the horizon. He stops by Special K’s home while aimlessly wondering.  Following some signal that only he can hear.

So as I said he shows up on her property. Stumbling around out of it. He tells her, they’re back. But when prompted about who they are. He instead lays out a new story for us. Actual plot story. “All those stories, about Nazi gold? That wouldn’t even make a believable Tom Cruise movie! My grand daddy was on that ship. Coming home from the war. That wasn’t no German ship that went down. That was an American ship! Right off smash-up Island. And it wasn’t full of gold neither. They were coming back from Martial Islands. They had wreckage of a crashed UFO onboard. Amelia Earhart’s skeleton too!” I love this. Every word of it. We’re getting real back story, and its hilarious.

Special K ask a fair question of crazy pants, and one that some of you might ask yourselves. Why now? Why would the aliens come now after all this time?

“Time don’t mean nothing to them. A million years, or just a second. The stars. They just keep staring down at us. With them glowing eyes. Forever. Forever!”

With that, he wonders off into the woods, taking a breather from being crazy. Then its back to charging the beaches of Norm…California. This is his moment. He’s charging the beach and taunting the aliens “Come get me! What are you waiting for! Do it!” It’s not exactly Arnold in Predator, but it’ll do.

He roams the beach doing this, but no alien answers the call. He then finds himself on the roadside. Still wondering. And then. From out of nowhere. The director does their version of a live action Wiley Coyote and Roadrunner scene.

This is the greatest thing I’ve seen in a night or two, and it genuinely made me laugh out loud.

While on the side of the road wondering around looking for Aliens. Barreling down the road at comical speed is Special K’s mama. She is affected by her alien encounter and lacks the ability to speak and or be distracted. She drives by him and he takes a phantom hit from the car. Crashing down dead onto the ground. We then immediately cut to coast guard man watching the heist guys on their boat, and then him looking over to Special K and saying “Hmm, those boys look naughty. Those three pluss me, maybe they’d let me play bridge? Well see you around the poetry readings.” End scene.

I mean. Goddamn.

A man gets his by a car and dies. And the first line of dialog we get, is “Hmm, those boys look naughty.”

What the hell man.

Again. It’s both the worst, and funniest thing. I love it.

I really, really shouldn’t But I do.

Well as I said before, we’ve caught up with everyone else. But we have one more lost soul to get back too. Because everyone deserves their story to be concluded, or furthered. This time. It’s back to cat piss girl.

She is back out into the woods, feeding the army of cats she’s assembled. But as Jesus took fish and bread, and fed many. She brings one bowl of cat food, and will feed them all. She is sort of like Jesus. If Jesus pissed on the graves of those he buried. They leave that out of the bible, generally. Trust me.

Well as she settles in to pet each member of her feline forces as they come to feed. Aliens approach her. Each and every cat , green screened or in a tree. Is meowing out the same repeated wav file meow in alert to the alien presence. Their meows are becoming electronic. The cats are techno cats. It’s too much for cat piss girl. The worst possible fate awaits her.

In artistic style. We’ll go with that. Artistic.

Apparently the aliens used their mind powers to, communicate with the cats, and turn comrade cats against their leader. As they descend on her, and eat her.

I don’t want to say piss on her grave. But I feel it’s what she would’ve wanted.

Pour out some milk and sprinkle a few buds of catnip on the street corner for the fallen.

Well. Now we are left with two, well three stories left to conclude here.

54 minutes into an hour and 14 minute film.

Special K is not that concerned about the earlier run in with one of her patients who told her about nazi gold being ufo wreckage and taking off, She also wasn’t concerned about patient piss going off into the forest either. So she hangs out inside her dads house, waiting for mom to arrive.

Well hey look at that. Her roadrunner mom made it home. Now she’s just going to stand out front. Staring wide eyed at her daughter through the window.

As for our special heist team? They’re out on the water, speeding beside a CGI’d shark with its own CGI wave wake, as it hits the NOS and zooms past the boat, and Mr Coast Guard is out there as well. Naturally these guys don’t see the shark, but they DO see the water cop. Who is just sitting out there, looking at the water. Spotting a CGI shark shadow. Which alerts him enough to grab his flair gun.

It doesn’t look good for him as he’s looking over the sides of his boat. You know he’s about to get chomped on. And sure enough a shark comes up to do just that. But he’s too fast!

He gets out of the way, and grants us what I will be using as the screenshot for this review. The most amazing dead shark effect ever. In any of these films. It stands beside Bad CGI Sharks destruction of their shark. It’s a still image of the puppet shark. On its side, photoshopped on top of the water. With CGI fire added on top of it. And blood. Before the body sinks and becomes animated again.

I swear these movies. The CGI, the effects. They make these things an experience that will forever stay with you. Like herpes. Only you don’t mind it telling people where and how it got there.

Things are coming to a head now. We are back to Special K and her mother is now in the house. She’s still crazy eyed and super focused. What is she focused on though is the question. Killing her daughter Doctor Special K is the answer!!

She’s got a steak knife and she’s using it! But Special K is using a pan to defend herself. It’s a culinary showdown! But mom cuts her daughters knuckle, and anyone who’s been cut there knows that hurts like a beeeeeyoch!

Well Mom has the upper hand. She decides this is it. This is her moment. She throws her hands up for the Diamond Cutter. Ready to bring the pain. But BLAM!! Her hopes are dashed aside as alien controlled mom is down and dead. Possibly. We don’t know. People have a habit of looking dead then coming back.

Speaking of coming back from the dead.

CRAZY PANTS SHOT MOM!! Yes! Tons of fun crazy pants patient who mama ran over earlier and we thought was dead, is NOT! He’s alive, he shot and killed her. Unless shooting someone frees them from alien control we don’t know and won’t rule it out.

But its funny as hell, because after he shoots and kills her, and Special K looks over to him. There’s a moment of super awkwardness between the two. Like. She should be upset he killed her mom? He is a crazy patient of hers. But at the same time, her mom went crazy trying to kill her, and he saved her? She’ll roll the rice on that one later.

He tells her how he said they’d be back, and he was right. Only it’s worse. They aren’t here to abduct more people. They’re here to clean up their mess. Like Alien VS Predator 2, sending out the Predator to clean up all signs of the crashed ship and predator xeno hybrid. Yes I am comparing this films logic to a shitty movie I can’t stand but still watched because I love both franchises.

So now. As we wind down this film as we are nearing the final 14 minutes. We need action. We need closure.

We are getting the chubby glasses guy who survived the shark encounter alien abduction finally finishing his video?

NO WE AREN’T CUTTING TO HIS STORY!!!

The movie faked us out, it just. Randomly inserted him. Because maybe he’s watching all this ON his VHS. Maybe this IS his Neve Ending Story.

Oh god.

Maybe this movie is working on both present, past AND future events!

Maybe we’re getting stories told from all three time lines and we’re alternating between them all as the story unfolds in both its past events, what’s happening in the now, and glasses guy is the future yet to come. Oh god has this movie broken me? Did it take 20 shark films of shit quality to finally reduce my brain down to this?

NO! Alcohol was working on that, and I’m not broken or insane! I’m just trying to make sense of just what the hell Is going on around here!

Crazy pants is still going on about sham wow island and the not Nazi gold. Alien cover up, government cover up. It’s a lot of stuff to take in. Special K stops his crazy train and ask him if he has a boat so they can get to shamrock island, and he debates this.

THE DEAD HAVE RISEN! Just like the Undertaken when you think he’s been put down. The dead man rises up! She is back up and stabbing crazy man in the chest. But in his last moments. He puts the revolver to her throat and blows out her brains, but doesn’t Because we’re keeping this thing gore free.

So Special K loses her mom AGAIN. Possibly for good. I mean come on she came back it could happen again. Hell CRAZY PANTS could come back to.

This movie is insane and it doesn’t care!

The aliens are watching all this madness happen from under the sea. In their crashed, or landed, or parked by the government ship. The music is telling us. Things are about to go down. Things are happening. It’s getting intense. But. We are just walking to the pier. It’s really. Kind of mellow.

So Special K has arrived at the docks on a mission to get to Smash Bros island. But a female alien stops her. She’s telling her the experiment is over. It was a failure. They return now to Transylvania. But this important backstory/speech/moment is cut short. By none other than asshole coast guard water mall cop.

He is running with the flares being the deadliest thing on the planet and fires a flare at the alien. Which catches fire, screams out in guttural pain and dies.

This movie is amazing, and horrible. It’s reminding me of things I laughed and and were so random in Space Cop that it just made you love what you were watching, even though it was horrible.

But the moment is made whole, when Mr. Water Cop arrives at the dock and tells Special K, “I needed to get gas and kill aliens. No really! I was all out of gas!” So she tells him to get gas then because their asses are headed to Smash Mouth island.

The aliens. Are waiting. With all their mind wavy coffee maker looped sounds, and mind controlled CGI sharks.

Actually they’re taking over a new shark. Because their last one was killed. So this new one will have to do. This one also talks. It’s telling them that, it hates them. Or the aliens hate it. Or they both hate each other. I mean anything is possible at this point.

Well back to our Nazi gold thieves. They are FINALLY ready to begin their heist. Which is hilarious for good reasons. Their props. They drop their new meat bag partner into the water, threatening to shoot him if he double crosses them. The gun they’re using? Is a plastic gun with the front orange guard that’s lawfully put on toys so you know it’s not real, removed. You can see down into the. Then when the gun is used up close. They blur it out. I love things like that. I mean it doesn’t add to a film but sometimes it can have a little charm. It’s just fun to pick up on those things.

Like the bandits dropping depth charge…mines. Into the water. They’re rusted cans with plastic insert rings, and nothing in their center. It works. Just funny.

So their heist is a bust. Their partner spots sharks down there under the water. He rightfully panics and returns to the boat. Screw the gold, there be sharks down there!

His partners are unimpressed. However seeing an alien does mildly impress them. I do mean mildly. Seriously these guys react like the grandfather in Lost Boys, complaining about all the damn vampires.

They shoot at the alien, but it doesn’t do too much. The alien just tells them that they hate humans. Well humans hate them. So they hate on each other and now sharks are involved. Their new partner is thrown back in the water. A shark lovingly nibbles his neck and he’s dead. Unless he comes back, which could happen. And these two thieves are dropping mines, depth charges. Explosive whatchamacallits.

They make their way to land on the boat. After….the most confusing event. Up to this point, along with the others.

They are dropping these explosives. There are sharks doing jiggle dances around the under water alien craft. Or they are badly rendered and just bugged. Bombs are going off, and the alien craft is now taking on water. At the same time, an alien is attacked by a shark. But after the explosives go off. There is still explosions going on outside. The sharks…are jitterbug dancing destroying the ship? Maybe?

But its about to get a lot worse, and funnier. Possibly.

The two bandits made it to shore, and they are now holding their device. An explosive control. Which changes from looking like an old corded phone box, to a very old control box. Which gets even more weird and hard to explain because.

The device they are holding. Their explosive device. Is meant to trigger the bombs they threw into the water.

The same bombs that exploded with the sharks under water.

I am not making this up. They launched their depth charge/mine/explosives into the water. We saw a few go off and kill some sharks, and do damage to the ship.

Unless they are now saying the ship was destroying the sharks?

So they have the control for the explosives, sure why not. And joining them on the shore, is coastal mall cop and Special K. There’s a showdown.

Apparently. Now lets make sense of this. Because we are not done yet. Even with 6 minutes left.

Apparently Exorcist priest plans to. Blow these explosives, and. From his reaction and words. Expects this to….blow the gold up and to the surface? But nevermind the aliens? These two are super set and focused on their payday. Even with aliens present.

Well speaking of, an Alien is also with them on the shore. The last alien. I hope. Xenu I hope. The alien is pissed and as we established, hates humans. Well the former priest turned bad guy, his friend pulls a gun on the alien. The alien raises his hand and ZAP BOOM POW! Friendo is deado. Blown to bits. Our sole surviving bandit has lots his friend. Lost his never there Nazi gold, he’s going to take down this alien. So he whips out a knife and he’s going at him. Stabbing away with all his might!

And a shark leaps out of the water, a hand puppet shark is peppering his neck with kisses and death. We have lost our last criminal and still treasured priest from Noah’s Shark.

Also he drops the detonator so those bombs go off. A second time. For the first time.

Things are exploding. People are dying, and our nightmare is possibly over. Possibly.

We are back on a boat. Leaving this island. Water cop is telling Special K how in two days he’s going to college, or was. She’s kind of dealing with a lot and not really listening. Which is sort of understandable. But something they both have to listen too and deal with. Is the signal from under the water. And a voice. Shark voices? Shark Voices, “Oceans belong, to us. Land is yours. We share the same enemies, but we are not friends. Do not come here, we will not come there.” The sharks are now in control of the alien device. They own the oceans now. So we must honor their peace accord and stay far from the beaches. For it is the land of the sharks. Get it?! Good.

And as Special K and Water Cop promise never to tread into water. The movie leaves us with some nice footage of people on the beaches enjoying themselves. The alien device left on the shore still. A woman going swimming, and CGI sharks becoming angry. Attacking her. “The oceans belong to us!” repeats hauntingly. The techno dubstep plays as we pull back and see the earth from orbit and fade to black.

The End.

So. How’s it going? Doing good? Need a refill? Refund?

WELL TOO BAD!!

Was this. A good movie? Mostly?

Was it. Entertaining? Yeah it was, mostly?

Was it better than Noah’s Shark? It was a step up indeed.

I didn’t hate it. I wasn’t mad for having watched it. Honestly Quija Shark is still by far the worst thing I have watched and even if I was harsh on that film. It absolutely deserved it and its criticism. That movie was lazy, and boring. I even compared it to Polonia bros. films. I said that even though Polonia films may be bad, horrible messes and sometimes the worst and funniest effects. But they put more heart and work into their films comparatively to a LOT of directors today making movies like this, and they blow out of the water the people who made Quija Shark. Because their films, whether you love or hate them, They are always memorable, and you can’t say they didn’t try. Because it’s there on screen.

The same goes here for Shark Encounters of the Third Kind. It’s a lot funnier a film. Its still confusing at times, I did wonder if my brain was melting but I wasn’t upset about it. I went with it and enjoyed it a lot. Character moments and lines were fun and they did further the story. Even what’s left up to interpretation. Which isn’t always good to do. It still worked more than it failed. Honestly even thinking back with the movie fresh in my mind. Even when it didn’t make sense, or something happened that seemed out of nowhere. It was still entertaining. That’s the most you can ask a film to be. Like Red Letter Media shows you on their series Best of the Worst. There’s always gold in bad movies.

Did I like it just because it was bad? No, because it wasn’t entirely bad.

I liked the story and its idea. The heist thing was a nice setup in the beginning, and they stuck with it to the very end. It was a neat concept with the alien tech and shark control. It may not have fully played out how it would’ve in another directors hands? But you still get the gist of it, and it works. You just gotta go with it.

All of these movies I’m watching are first time watches for me. I wanted to experience these for the first time and be surprised versus go over something I already know is coming. These films have absolutely surprised me, and in good as well as horrible life destroying ways.

Thanks to Polonia Brothers and their films. I will always remember these…..moments. like a shark puppet floating atop water on fire, and a priest CGI’d under water flapping his arms around as if he’s swimming. I love this stuff and I can’t really be hard on this movie. It really was an improvement.

Can I criticize the film? Oh boy you betcha!

There were some parts and things, that didn’t really work. But like a lot of these, it either comes down to budget, which also covers what was or could be filmed, and some as well to storytelling, which also can be explained down to what the director wanted or was looking for.

So some elements may not have been as important, or really a focus. Like cat pee girl. I won’t criticize them because they served their purpose. They weren’t central to the story. They were of Doctor K’s dad that she was now in charge of, we didn’t get too much into her story. But she had her story and its ending. I laughed when she died by cats, which is sad for her. But how it was shot was funny, and saves money. Any kind of animals on set means trainers, trained animals, and people making sure you didn’t abuse them. So having a cats eye view looking at her from the ground and tree? Works perfectly well. Though I would’ve laughed if they had cats laying down, CGI’d to look like they were flying toward her or extreme sudden close ups of their faces and blood splatter. It would’ve been over the top and they didn’t go that route.

But a fair criticism I think, is the loose end of the boy who lived. He was introduced. Shown to be attacked, then abducted. He digs up a tape on alien abductions, relates to their experiences. But then. He’s only glanced at once, during a scene with Doctor K and after that. He just vanishes from the film. I’m not sure why but considering the film gave a beginning middle and end to the other characters why not him?

Not sure why he was dropped, who knows maybe it was trouble with the actor and they couldn’t finish, maybe he left or who knows. That also happens in films. It just would’ve been nice.

I mean I joked about it but it did seem almost within the realm of possibility that they might actually be trying to or could go for a different timelines within one story thing. But thankfully not.

I don’t know how that would’ve gone over. So thank you.

Some scenes could’ve used fleshing out or maybe been shot differently. But as much as I’d like to criticize it I don’t feel I can. Because it comes down to the director and they put on screen what they wanted, in the style they wanted. So can’t change that without changes directors. Which is a conversation all itself. I mean there are films these guys have done that you could see being done by studios or other directors sure. But would they actually have the balls to do nearly half the films these guys tackled?

Actually, to be fair. There isn’t much to really criticize. A lot that can, as I’ve tried to point out in this. Can be easily explained. Even the weird story. There really isn’t much bad you can say about it without being either unfair or just for the sake of.

Yes its weird, and yeah the movie takes leaps. No one reacts appropriately 68% of the time. People die then come back without explanation. Sharks somehow defeat the aliens and become the dominant species over man. But it all. Still managed to work.

Hell even the music. When it wasn’t dub stepping itself out the door. It wasn’t that bad.

It was just a really entertaining, silly, dumb B movie. Honestly I’d compare it a lot to Super Shark really. That movie was horrible because it mocked itself in a 50’s style monster movie kind of cheese. Where it knew it was bad and everyone was in on it. That isn’t this. This movie was good bad because they treated it differently, and it paid off.

It really did. I actually had fun with this one, it genuinely made me laugh and I liked the characters. It also made me feel like Alex in A Clockwork Orange. With my eyes held wide open and eye drops fed constantly to my thirsty eyeballs.

But in a way that I was totally fine with.

Or aliens took over my brain. I mean at this point, 20 days, 20 films in. Anything is possible.

Just ship me out to the Satellite of Love with some robot friends, and we’ll take care of the rest.

Which honestly sounds good about now. I’d like to live in space, being fed a constant stream of bad shark movies. All of this is actually starting to remind me of a friend I used to spend a lot of time with when I was learning to cook at college. One day we were sitting in his truck. He was trying to find his bottle of water for a drink before we took off. He started tossing a few things of trash at my feet. Which I didn’t mind. Eventually it became a whole thing where he was just mindlessly throwing all this garbage at my feet searching for this water bottle until he found it. Took his sip and then asked me “what.” I looked at my feet covered in trash and said, “If I had any self respect. I’d stop this.” We both laughed hysterically. Don’t ask me about the fact my foot also accidentally had been pressing against a can of starter fluid during that moment either.

On that note, I think you should really check it out for yourself if you weren’t watching along already. It’s a fun weird trip, but one you’ll enjoy taking I think.

No I will not bury and pee on this dvd. It is going to sit on my shelf though, and when people ask me about Shark Encounters of the Third Kind,  I’ll ask them if they read Sutter Cane.

If you get that reference. Good on you.

Until tomorrow, The ocean belongs to the sharks, they are not our friends. They will not come for us, if we don’t come for them.