SHARK-A-THON!! Day 19 SUPER SHARK!!!

Day 19 Super Shark

This movie is going to be oozing cheese like an overcooked mozzarella stick. There is no way it won’t, can’t or could ever be anything but that.

This shark will flop around on land, it will leap tall distances, and it may move itself into our hearts. We just don’t know.

But the trailer for this film. Which I urge you all to watch right now.

The trailer will tell you all you need to know. And what we are being promised.

If this film manages to show us all this insanity in a trailer, and then drops the ball? That’s how you get severe depression. Not really but you know what I mean. Or not. I don’t know. How are you all?

Okay lets dive on in and see what awaits us along the California coast with. Super Shark.

Super Shark

Tagline: It’s On The Hunt!

Synopsis: An offshore drilling accident releases a giant primordial shark, threatening to turn a bikini contest into a bloodbath.

See what I mean? That alone. Not even including the things Super Shark is capable of. This is going to be gold. Horrible, horrible gold.

We even have old tv personalities in this movie. Because every little bit helps.

So let’s see how how bad this thing is, and hope for the best as we begin things with a military covered beach. Complete with a walking tank. A literal tank, on legs. Imagine Battlebots, and you get it.

Why is this here?

Why are the army sending troops to the beach?

A Super Shark, that’s why!

We are getting right into it!!

Seriously this is the first minute of the film. We got the shark leaping out of the water, jumping around on land like Yoda with a lightsaber. I am not joking. This goddamn thing is flipping and flopping all over the place. It really IS a super shark. But just as things are getting started, and shots are being fired. The title sequence takes over and it looks like we’re about to get a “So you’re probably wondering, how did I get here.” Setup.

This is boding well for us, and also mentally preparing us for the fact this shark is indeed that ‘super’

This movie may require alcohol. If you didn’t guess that already. Lots, and lots of alcohol.

So the real story begins just as the synopsis told us. On an oil rig. They just dug too deep, like dwaves in a mountain. And they unearthed an ancient being. A giant shark which swims up all to happy and pissed for being woken up from its super slumber. The shark is not going to let things go that easily and swim off into the night, oh no. This shark is attacking the oil rig and taking it down mightily. The effects are….something else. A combination of miniatures and cgi. Which is something I haven’t seen in a while. This film also was made 11 years ago. Or 10 depending which release you watch.

So it takes out the oil rig station, and heads off for warmer Californian beaches. Which grants us the most amazing thing you could ever think to ask for, that you never knew you needed in your life.

A Super Shark, super soul theme song.

If Superfly and Dolemite had a love child mixed from their theme songs? This’d be it.

It’s amazing, catchy. Earworm music that you have got to download and play at the beach.

However it is mildly interrupted by the voice talent of Jimmy JJ Walker. Whom you may know..

Well actually a lot of you may not know as you aren’t, of that generation. But he used to be on the show Good Times which ran in the 70’s. His catchphrase was DYNO-MITE!, and saying it every which way he could. As he does in this movie, as he’s playing a radio DJ named Dynamite Stevens. It is what it is, and he’s going to have fun with it.

Of course this being a fun in the sun movie, we get our spread of the beach. Which means focusing on a couple of people specifically and not being a creeper about it. I kind of miss California. But I still remember it enough to know that beach was never, has never been that clean or organized with people. We are thankfully though headed for our first few character introductions. Which are shaping up to be a fun bunch indeed. Oh yes, they are.

We are meeting our lifeguards of the film. Three thus far in fact. Greg, Cali and Tyler. Tyler is the lady in charge. She also hates Greg. Because they used to date. He’s also late and she doesn’t tolerate this on her beach. We also have Cali, who is super into Greg and Tyler is cool with this as she hates Greg and is on to bigger and better things in her life.

Seriously it’s a little funny and eyebrow raising that they really REALLY play it off like Tyler is super pissy with Greg and he’s just all smiles and “Yeah okay I deserve that”, while Cali is as clueless to all of this as one can possibly be. Bless her heart.

But enough about that. We need more characters to care about! Which means Rick and Jill. Which is both the worst thing, and the silliest thing.

Silly because they are absolutely going to die. At least one of them, maybe not Jill. But for sure Rick and his friend diving taking photos underwater. Okay maybe all of them. They’re rich, out in the ocean. She’s working on her tan, he’s taking pictures and catching lobster for dinner. Someones dying and it aint the lobster.

It’s also the worst as Jill is shot in a super creepy way where the camera gets right up about a few inches away from her breast. Which she has, they may not be full valleys but she has them and the camera is just. Right in there wanting us to know. To see. For some reason.

Also, when your character is told their job is to “Look pretty” by their boyfriend. You know you aren’t long for this world.

Which fortunately we get an answer to this quary as the Super Shark is swimming into our lives. They don’t take kindly to people photographing the majestic beauty that is the ocean. So Rick and his friend are immediately killed.

Which raises the question. How will kills be handled in this film? Well they’re being handled in the “Lets have the giant shark just swallow them and plumes of blood appear after” way, so that’s where we’re at.

Jill is a bit panicked as she was working on her tan and did not appreciate the constant radio interruptions she was getting from Rick. Between asking her to drop the lobster cage, to asking her if she see’s anything like whales, or sharks, to telling her just look pretty. She isn’t getting much quiet time. She also does the weirdest thing. She gets mad at the CB radio apparently. While talking to Rick she suddenly gets some harsh audio feedback. This angers her, so she pulls out two cables from the box and steps away. I’m not saying this is a difficult piece of equipment to setup. But I am thinking, if this is the only line of communication you have to someone. You might want to keep it working as is and not get mad at it for making a noise, then start pulling out cables.

Well she learns this lesson as she soon after spots a giant shark fin in the water and sees it begin circling the boat. So she quickly picks those cables back up and hurridly fidgets with them to try and talk to Rick. It’s made even funnier when, while in her rush. She couldn’t get the two audio cables plugged in, so she leaves them there and begins trying to use the radio. I don’t think it was in character, and her just giving up. I believe it was just the actress assuming if the wires were close enough to the box it would seem like they were attached and she could radio for help.

Well all is soon answered as the shark majestically. Magically shoots up out of the water, Doing a fin stand in the water. Then comes crashing down with a CHOMP to the edge of the boat, taking out dear Jill. It’s not at all how things work, let alone that thing. But that just happened, and Jill is no more. As is the boat, which thank god for that, the boats name was “Young Guns”, it needed to be taken out. Believe me. Shark was doing the lords work.

As Jill is devoured and the Young Guns sinks into obscurity. We are following two hopefully safer characters, We meet a relaxed and happy go lucky Skipper, named Skipper. Skipper Chuck. He’s a boat skipper looking to take people out wherever they want to go, so long as he’s paid. He just happens to be hired by Kat Carmichael. Who works for the Oceanic Investigation Bureau. She’s here to investigate the oil refinery that went down. Which upsets Skipper but. She is paying, and she is doing legal work so. He’s gonna take the money.

Kat is a complicated lady. We know this because she arrived all business,in her slacks, red tucked in blouse and business blazer. Only to board Skippers boat and remove her blazer and blouse to reveal a bikini underneath. She’s beach ready, and business appropriate.

So she makes it out to the site of the former oil rig. Only to discover, not only is there no oil rig remains afloat. But there also oddly is no oil floating on the surface either. Which would indicate there was no oil line explosions or drilling related disaster. Something is definitely afoot, and she is taking water samples for good measure to see what the sea can tell us. Skipper is enjoying this little mystery tour as it takes him from his daily routine of drinking on his boat at the dock. To drinking on his boat out at sea. He also seems to like Kat. I don’t mind and it’s a bit fun.

But we aren’t here for fun no!, Kat has business. She’s going to get some answers. So she’s headed GET those answers. Which she hopes will come from Mr Big Business, who informs her they’re doing all they can do, they’ve been cooperating with everyone, and they’ve also been incredibly transparent during this event, and with their own internal investigation.

Well that’s surely refreshing. So she politely ask if an emergency call was made during the event. Why yes there was. They are  actually being helpful to her as he said they were. Honesty? Best policy. So she politely ask what was on the recording and if she can listen to it. They inform her there is no recording. It was a live transmission and they can’t share that because no one was recording it, their recording equipment was low on recording fuel and it was having issues. So sad too bad. Okay they aren’t being incredibly helpful.

Well she’s judging Mr. Business, and he isn’t too happy about it. But he also wants to invite her to dinner. She however will not take this offer. She WILL however make her own offer of drinks on the beach. He will accept and they will continue this conversation later. He may be a hardened businessman all about oil and making oil money while burying anyone in his way. But he wants to show Kat that he isn’t a mustache twirling evil villain oil man who’s all about oil and money and making money while burying anyone in his way.

He's a complicated man.

Much like Greg. Greg is not complicated. He’s a poon hound. The man is a lifeguard who’s main mission is to perform a different type of mouth to mouth and we are shown this because while he is patrolling the beach. He’s staring incredibly hard at womens butts in bikini’s. All to eager to introduce them to his face. Seriously if this man was anymore of a horndog character he’d be a literal walking penis.

But little does Greg know, there are already plans for his penis. Birthday plans. In the form of our even hornier than he could ever imagine being female lifeguard, Cali.

Cali is, has been, and continues to be a woman in search of Greg’s junk. She may be here to save lives this summer. But she has also told Tyler that she is here for the boys. In fact that’s the only downside for her and summer time on the beach is girls. “Summer means lots of hot guys. But. It also means lots of girls, and that means competition” She actually says this. She’s concerned she wont receive her own Cali ground pounding if there are too many hot girls, oh and saving lives. I guess.

But Cali has a net she wishes to catch Greg in and drag him back to her lair. She super seriously wants him in every wrong and right way. Tyler is still so totally over Greg that she doesn’t mind and she’s willing to help Cali get laid. It’s Cali’s birthday this weekend, and Tyler proposes they all go out for drinks after their first day of work. That will give Cali a way to talk to Greg, and if she can resist taring his clothes off and honking his junk. They might hit it off.

So a trap is set for Greg. But he is unaware. All Greg knows, is that Greg likes booty, and he see’s beach booty. So Greg plans to greet that booty. Until Tyler stops him and a now on the edge of her tip toes excited barely able to contain her lust Cali is smiling like a fool up at him says hi and does nothing to suppress her emotions when he says sure he’d love to go for drinks and hang out with these two. He just has some Beach business to tend to. Of the Booty kind. Cali pretends not to notice this as do we all, and off they go. Will Greg make his drink date on time? Or find that beach booty before then? Will he find a shark booty instead? We will see.

Meanwhile Kat is playing doctor. She is a doctor, but of the fish kind. She’s playing human doctor and visiting the hospital. Trying to interview one of the survivors from the oil rig. Who seems rather grumpy and dealing with a severe case of the Mondays.

Or you know. He survived a Super Shark attacking the rig he works on and nearly killed him. There’s also that.

He feels Kat is a brain doctor, who might try to tell him he’s crazy. But she tells him don’t worry. She’s a fish doctor. So he begins telling her about what happens. That they hadn’t struck any oil. But they struck something hard underneath them. What that was, he can’t tell her. Because the company will have his head if he talks to her.

So she tells him that she’s not just a fish doctor. She’s an investigator. So he’s going to have to talk about it.

Now for me this would raise a series of red flags. A lady saying she’s a doctor, who’s really a fish doctor not a head doctor, is now an investigating doctor. Well that’s just confusing as all hell. Or she just should have tried being honest with him first off.

Well he decides he’ll cooperate for now with the fish doctor investigative lady. He tells her how they’d been using chemicals for drilling, and how one night wile drilling. They struck something. That something swam up and attacked the oil rig. Leaping out of the water and dragging it down. All the head doctors think he’s crazy. Because he saw what he saw, and what he saw was a Super Shark! Which yes the Super Shark is what is IN this movie, and we will return back to soon I hope. But yes. He saw the Super Shark and now everyone thinks he’s crazy. Including Doctor fish lady investigator. But he’s done talking now. He says he’ll deny anything she tells people he said, that this conversation never happened. He's just crazy and best left alone.

Well this confuses her, but she’s going to continue doing her investigation and look into these Super Shark claims. Though she will have to hurry as she’s having drinks with the evil business man that evening too.

Meanwhile, a submarine nearby is headed into some calm waters, the crew inside is casually listening to some Honolulu music. Which is. Oddly….why would you? Well even their captain complains about it. So they’ve switched to Country music. This is obviously a submarine from hell.

But they aren’t the only ones complaining about the music. Seems Super Shark is also upset about this. Maybe it was enjoying the cool island music. Maybe it doesn’t like music at all in the ocean. So it glides past the submarine and decides to nudge them, a polite way of saying hello, would you please turn down your music? But the submarine is a rebellious teenager and it’s not going to do so. Instead they decide to turn on their alarms and raise the volume. So now the shark is greatly offended and its time to attack this submarine.

Its so stupid and silly, it kind of works, also I would strongly urge you all to be thankful the shark is only attacking them and not mounting them.

So our little submarine is not having a good time of this. They are being roughed up and instead of politely backing down and turning down their music. They decide to get rough with the shark. They’re launching torpedoes! Which how you get a target lock on an animal attacking you directly is. Well let’s go with it. So they get a target lock on our sharky, and it’s torpedoes away! Cya later alligator! Well. Super Shark.

But the shark is not happy with this, and he may be old. But he’s also Super. Super Shark! Like Superman. So he dodges those Torpedoes and rams the side of the submarine. Denting in the hull until the submarine explodes! You don’t pull that trash in his yard. He’ll pull your card and he will represent. Which I’d say he did rather successfully.

So as Super Shark swims off with his victory. We return to Days of Kat. She is changed and ready for cocktails. Which are being served at Mr Evil Oils home.

He tries interesting her in some lobster, caught fresh from the California waters just outside his home. She declines disgustedly and he ponders if she smelt his silent fart, or if she’s just a vegetarian. It turns out neither is the case and she instead refuses to eat something from these waters, as she believes he may have poisoned the waters. He ask her to please explain.

Which ruins his mood very quickly as he see’s she actually did come there to discuss business and not relax with drinks. So he’s not as smooth as he thought. She begins to explain to him, with a sampling of the beach water she pulled early with Skipper, that the water is heavily laced with chemicals. Chemicals which are used to soften and erode rocks. To make drilling easier. However his oil rig used a hundred times more than they should have used. So much in fact that it began to erode and destroy the very foundation of the oil rig itself. Which means he very well could have been responsible for the destruction of his own oil rig, by approving the use of chemicals to do so and as they hadn’t yet struck oil, its likely why they pushed to use even more of the chemical to dig deeper and try to strike again. Meaning him and his company are responsible not only for the destruction of the facility. But also the poisoning of the ocean as well. He ensures her that he is an oil man. And if he says he’s an oil man he hopes she will agree. And as an oil man he has numerous concerns spread across this state, he has many wells flowing at many thousand barrels per day.

Actually no, he’s not Daniel Plainview. He just insures her that he would never knowingly do something like that, he’s not a villain and he had friends on that oil rig. She calls off their drinks and cocktail gathering, leaving hm to consider what has happened, and his responsibility to the situation. He considers this and decides he needs to call his people. They need to talk and soon.

Maybe he actually will prove to be a good guy, and they’ll discuss cleanup options and take responsibility. Or he’s hiring a hit squad to take Kat out. We shall see.

But for now. Because we need something to squirm at and cringe with on screen. It’s time for Tyler and Cali’s date night with Greg. Featuring the freestyle mic skills of Mr. JJ Walker. It’s going to be.

Well, something.

The closer Cali gets to Greg time, the more unhinged and pounce happy she gets. She can’t sit still. She’s downing alcohol like its water, and she’s on edge. The moment he’s spotted and sits down. Even if beside Tyler his ex. She is doing chair wiggles. I’m not making this up. She is genuinely just losing her shit being this close to him. It just makes no sense.

Just like everyone cheering this wildly for JJ. Let alone the bikini contest. It’s. I’m not being harsh. I’m not trying to be mean.

But this is. Well let’s say it’s not spring break. But its summer in Oregon.

For the record I’ve never gotten the whole idea of bikini contest or the appeal. But hey each their own.

Well seeing as Greg is cheering for a few of the girls shaking their butts on stage. Cali gets a great idea. She’s going to get up on that stage, take her shirt and shorts off and flaunt her bikini bod too! Because surely this will win her the same affections as Greg throws out to anything on two legs.

She makes it up onto the stage, much to the delight and encouragement of Mr. Walker. Flaunts what she’s got and does a spinning turn to do a sexy finger point at Greg. Only to find. Greg is tongue wrestling with Tyler who is still so totally done with him, moved on, and into bigger and better things.

It’s a lotta what the hell, a little funny, and mostly confusing. She really was being stone cold with him, I don’t mean dropping stunners on the beach with him or cracking beer over his head. But she was just super, near bitchy with him in her presence.

She also broke girl code. You don’t man steal, and when you know your friend is super into some guy, you don’t shove your tongue down their throat. That’s how people get fucked up, and that’s how roommates get stuck with a purposely huge phone bill and a trip to small claims court just to call them out in front of Judge Judy.

It’s not cool, that’s all I’m saying.

So seeing the man she was seat wiggling, pining over, obsessing, planning the wedding of, now mashing teeth with a girl she thought was her friend. She is rightfully upset and storms off. But how does JJ feel about this? He doesn’t! He’s more focused on the apparent highlight of the bikini show, Being a blonde with huge breast in a bikini. The crowd and JJ are losing their collective minds over the prospect and realization that women don’t just have breast. But that they can very in size. It’s a life changing moment, and mind shattering realities in the bar for many a man.

On the other side of sanity however. We have Mr Oil meeting with one of his TOP men.

Meanwhile I’m also wondering where the hell our SUPER SHARK IS!!

Is it leaping into the air taking out jets? Planes? Warships? We are left to imagine, while dealing with Mr Oils story now. Which, isn’t much actually. He meets with his big oil legal eagle and is asked if he knew about the wicked evil bad for everyone chemical that Kat knew about and showed destroyed the facility, as well as unleashed an ancient super shark. Well Mr. Honest Oil tells him that, he WAS aware! Oh what a terrible twist of fate! The evil businessman was mildly evil after all! Oh the shock!

“I knew about it, maybe from the chemical boys or someone. But I thought it worth a try. It worked great. Too great in fact.” Well his legal eagle man tells him its worth looking into that chemical a bit more later for their nefarious purposes. But for now they need to take on Kat. As his attorney, he recommends he throw some cash around and see if he can dig up any dirt on Kat. If she’s got any chinks in her armor they’ll use it against her to bring her down. He’s on board with this of course, I mean after a sincere moment of deliberating how badly this could effect any future drinks with her. So now team evil Oil is ready to move forward with protecting themselves, thus setting up their inevitable run in with the Super Shark of Justice.

Which lucky for us, the Super Shark of justice is out and about swimming the shores of Metropolis. Or California.

But also out and about, is our dear Cali. She’s crying on the beach and looking over a bracelet that Greg gave her as an early birthday gift. One he claimed he got from some one making handmade jewelry. But most likely came from some girl he banged earlier on the beach. I’m not joking. But yes, Cali is emptying her emotional plate on the beach, staring off into the abyss. But she is not alone. Tyler is coming out to the beach as well. She feels super bad for what happened and totes wants to make it up to her. She thought she was over Greg, but she guesses she wasn’t since what happened, happened. That’s her only excuse for turning on her friend and tongue wrestling with the man she wanted. What happened, happened. Well Cali can’t take this and cries about how she wishes she was more like Tyler. More confident, and beautiful. And someone that stupid Greg would be throwing themselves at. She wishes she was hotter! SHE WISHES SHE WAS DEAD!

Well, as the Disney music swells, and a single star glimmers in the sky high up above. It becomes apparent she has made a wish on a most magical night, and a wish that will be granted. As our Super Shark leaps from the ocean and belly flops onto the land. Sliding over to Cali and swallowing her whole. She got her wish people. Tyler is screaming her head off, naturally. The shark is mildly annoyed by this and stares at her, trying to figure out her problem since he just came out and granted a wish. He decides to ignore her rude screams and go with age old shark logic. Where there’s a shark there’s water, and where there’s a backstabbing bitch. There’s a hungry shark. So he eats her.

Both ladies gone in a flash.

But what of Greg? Greg the destroyer of poon? Greg the beach banging bikini bandit?

He actually shows up to work on time the next morning. Only to find Cali and Tyler both gone. Which bums him out. But while he’s spying the beaches with his binoculars, he notices something shiny and neat, so he goes to investigate. What should he find among the sand but. The charm he got for Cali. Which he recognizes immediately and chuckles over. It amuses him that he breaks these ladies hearts so easily.

However, a woman scorned will always reach out from the veil of death to seek out her vengeance, and Super Shark splashes back on land to swallow up Greg and bring to an end our love triangle. Thankfully because wow that was just, sad.

Well, it wasn’t sad? It just wasn’t going anywhere. It wasn’t that it wasn’t going anywhere, it was that it wasn’t needed. Okay it was just a long setup for a kill. I didn’t hate it, but it just was sort of eh. But still a funny death for all three honestly. Just yeah, glad they’re gone now.

As for the rest of this California town. We got a lot going on this morning. We have evil Oil man happy over a report he was given on Kat, it apparently has juicy details he needs to lord over her. And Kat is out at sea with Skipper on his boat. Chuck is helping her explore the water and possibly hunt for ancient super sharks. The problem is, is that his fish finder is on the fritz. Because its not finding any fish at all. And the only one it IS finding, sseems to be a wha-SUPER SHARK!!

But fear not. Kat and Skipper are just fine. It was only a hi how are you run in meeting with Super Shark. We learn that as sharks emit electro waves as some films have told us before. They are also receptive to the same. So for some reason the radio on the boat was sending out a bad signal to the shark. The radio also went all silent hill static for a bit when the shark arrived. So we learned a thing. But no one is dead yet. Thankfully.

Speaking of dead though. We have a photoshoot on the beach. Involving our Queen of the Bikini contest and the runner up. It’s a pretty tame photoshoot and reminds me of a few I’d done, just without perving, or trying to get the girls to kiss each other. Honestly photoshoots are rarely really like that and they’re a lot of fun once you get your models in the zone. Before that it’s just a hellish ordeal of awkwardness.

But thankfully these girls are smart and don’t fall for pervy photographer tricks. They are not impressed by his lameness. Nor is the Super Shark. Who is swimming near the shore. The girls spot the shark and immediately panic. Our photographer sees the giant shark fin and declares the women are dumb for being so scared. Sharks are water based creatures, they can’t come up on land. Duh! These are his words. The movie feels it’s been perhaps too long, or you might have passed out from your drinking and missed it. So of course, after those words come out of his mouth. The shark leaps into the air and flourishes a landing on the beach. Swooping up the photographer, and then the brunette. But the blonde. She knows the score. She knows death is on the menu for her. But she isn’t going out like a chump. She grabs a nearby beach umbrella and she is jabbing at the shark!

She is ready for a George and the Dragon scenario here. David and Goliath. She is fighting the giant shark and not doing too badly.

But fate is, what fate dictates and she is a blonde in a horror film, she must die. And die she does. Unlike the others before her though. She will be greeted as a champion in Valhalla.

Well we got our shark kill sated for now. So we must return to the plot of this film, as we are getting dangerously close to the end of things, and it looks like we may be facing another ‘now that the pieces are in place, reign chaos from the skies’ type ending. We shall see.

So we return to Mr Oily man and Kat. Well Mr Oil is willing to concede that yes indeed. He knew something about that chemical. And he did approve its use. However. He feels she is unjustly attacking him and he’s not the villain she makes him out to be. But. More importantly. That none of this will stick in court let alone lead to any charges. Because he knows her dirty little secret.

Apparently. Miss Kat, hasn’t been an OIB agent for 6 months! She was forced out for 6 months! She corrects him saying she was on leave, and its well documented her reasons. Well he shares them with us the curious audience anyway. She apparently showed a large bias against big oil companies and trying to take them down using extreme measures and…questionable bias. So she’s passionate about her cause! But she is not going to cave. She admits she hates those companies getting away with terrible crimes against the earth in the name of profit. He doesn’t entirely hear her, because he’s a man. So he shoves a suitcase of money in front of her. Telling her to take it and forget this whole thing ever happened.  She is far from done though. She informs him that she does believe him, that he did not intend to destroy his oil rig. But it did happen. However it wasn’t because of those chemicals. It absolutely helped, yes. But the real culprit was a Super Giant Shark. That’s what took down his station. So him bribing her makes no sense. Because her findings are meaningless now that the real reason for the destruction was found. But she will happily take his money as an asshole tax and enjoy herself.

You might think he would be upset about her taking his money, and losing a large amount of cash for, no reason. But he’s all smiles at what she said and simply says “That’s one big ass shark.” So. I guess. He is okay with all of this? Question mark?

Maybe he thought she was drunk and just said that’s a big ass shark while staring at her backside. His eyes were shifted downward so I mean sadly. It is possible. Yes I noticed.

WELL, now that she’s been exposed, and she has a crap ton of money. Why not get black out drunk.

Apparently that’s her answer and she is going full on with project Get Rekt. Thankfully Skipper is there to watch over her while she does so. It’s going to be our last bit of backstory we get from kat for…well the rest of the movie as we are baring down hard on the final few minutes. She lets Skipper know that she started this personal vendetta against people like Big Oil, because of the death of her brother. She wants to make them all pay for ignoring his death and how they were responsible. But because of their corporations, their corporate money and corporates being corporate. No one was held accountable. So she will use any and all resources available to take them down. Including bribery money. She then promptly blacks out, pukes all over herself and wakes in Skippers cabin the next day. Wearing borrowed clothing of his, as he cleaned her clothes during the night and took care of her. He’s a good bro and an even better wingman.

But now that she’s sober and awake. And he’s made breakfast and hot coffee. She’s ready to take down this ocean terror. By sharing with the army her knowledge of the shark and the radio waves thing.

We are now at the final 20 minutes of our film, and ready for the madness.

Well Kat and Skipper arrive at the beach. Which is now as we saw in the very beginningof the film, swarming with soldiers. They find the man in charge and relay their intel on transmitters. The shark either loves them or hates them. But broadcasting close to the water, will definitely get its attention.

And no sooner is that sad, and a young scared soldier as another over the radio, “Is it true, that this shark can walk on land, like they say?” He’s rassured “Heh, I’d like to see it try”, the men chuckle a manly chuckle. And the shark joins in, who is beached directly behind the soldier before eating him.

It is becoming painfully obvious that bullets do nothing to the shark, and that the shark is indeed a land happy shark. It’s the cutest, dumbest damn thing. I mean imagine a seal and its playful ‘womp womp’ belly flopping on the beach. That’s basically what you get with the shark. And every time it leaps onto land it glides on its belly. It’s just funny

Until something even more hilarious becomes funny.

They are calling in the big guns, a get to drop bombs on the beach and water. The shark retreats to the water and they believe they got it. Until the shark leaps HIGH into the air. It grabs the jet and body slams it. However it’s a beautiful Olympic shot as the jet and the shark splash down at the exact same moment. Judges scare 10’s across the board. But the funny part. The why the hell did they say it part. Is Kat stares off in a state of shock and just says “It can fly.”

It fly’s

It can Fly

The shark soars

Shark jesus help me.

This boggles the army and they retreat for a second fight plan. This is the fun part as suddenly Kat is an expert on this shark and she’s officially given it a name. It’s an adaptive mega shark A…Super Shark.

SUPER SHARK!!!

But wait. Hold on movie. Why are we back at the bar?!

We have a battle to go into. Why are we going drinking with Kat and Skipper?!

Well apparently the duo don’t believe the army has any super secret devices or technology to take down the shark. So they have their own thoughts on a plan. The sharks skin is super tough, like armor. However if you attack it from the inside. Well, no matter how well armored anything is, you mess up the inside, things gonna die.

I guess we also needed this scene because. Kat has decided, given her situation, and the fact she’s rich now, and that Skipper was a good bro who helped her versus take advantage in her drunken state. She kisses him, three times. They are now an item. By the laws of smooching, three kisses seals it. But also she proposes the dating and he gladly accepts.

So with a grand slam of 10 minutes left in the movie. We get Round 2 of the shark fight. And one more painful appearance from JJ Walker and his….fashion. This whole movie has had a lot of silly what the hell moments and effects honestly. But of them. None have proven as cringe worth as Mr. Walker.

Well okay that is until we get the tank on mech legs. That thing is just so damn stupid and silly.

Like okay. At first its not so bad. It’s a mech tank. Cool bro. But then. It starts melee combat with the shark. Like the shark actually gets super close and snaps at it. But the tank leans back and kicks the shark with its legs. It even punches the damn shark. It looks so. God its bad. But all of this just turns into a moment where the filmmakers were so busy with the drugs they were doing. That a kid answers the phone when the studio calls demanding an ending for this film. And the kid gives them a play by play of him playing with his toy shark and a robot.

Again I wish I were joking but I am not. This shark is just belly flopping along the beach. Chasing a stereo rigged with C4, playing classic Rock. Which ends up being royalty free 80’s metal.

Does the Mech Tank do anything? No not really. The shark beats it. The tank explodes. It’s not really that, exciting. The shark even belly flops away. Its just silly but not entirely in a oh god its funny way? So much as its just. What the fuck am I watching.

As for the conclusion though. With the Mech Tank down. It’s up to Kat and Skipper to save the day. So Kat runs off with the radio which is rigged with explosive C4. She ends up cornered in a cave. The shark WOMP WOMP’S its way across the beach and gets stuck in the cave. Kat is panicking and throws the radio into its open mouth “Open up for Mommy!” she shouts before tossing it in, and the shark joyfully accepts this noisy radio. I mean why not. Electro waves! Om nom nom!

And as the majestic, beautiful Super Shark swallows the radio. We are forced to swallow one last humiliation, and damn near repeat of our film last night. As she arms the C4 detonator. We hear JJ Walker telling us “We have one last request. Guaranteed to blow your mind.”, she hugs the detonator and says, lord help me. She says “Now your extinct!”, she pushes the detonation button, just as JJ Walker shouts out over the radio once more, and as the sharks belly blows up like a balloon. You guessed it “DY-Eye-eye-eye-NO MITE!” and boom, shark guts everywhere.

In fact kat is covered in guts and blood. She stinks of the most unholy things imaginable. Thankfully they do an actually kind of fun joke. Until it goes on too long. Skipper runs off to Kat and tells her how happy he is she’s alive. She answers “What?”, they joke about her having been to close to the explosion and her hearing being gone. Skipper continues to make comments she can’t hear and compliments. Then reminds us she can’t hear, As does she.

As the pair walk off, we hear an interview being done with Mr Oil. About how his company is being hit with lawsuits for the use of those chemicals and how it and the sharks release are directly related and how he’s responsible. So what will he do next? He simply smiles, reassures people things are fine and he’s going to keep on drilling. Cue the Super Shark soul theme and we got credits. The End.

Okay, so first off.

Really dig the song. It’s the best thing about this movie. It really is funny and has a nice funk to it that sticks. I dig it. I really do.

As for the rest of the film. Man.

It started out funny enough and with a good premise. The kills were funny and over the top bad. But in the end the movie was more into embracing the whole, we’re going to mock how bad we are deal. Which ruins movies sometimes. But in this case? Only slightly. The thing that stopped this from fully being worth while. Was that the story took so long to build itself up, and well. Like last night film. It too took its time, but it kept you invested between the kills and what was going on. Then in the end it delivered an amazing spectacle. This tried doing the same. Only the amazing spectacle was sub par. Played largely for laughs at how bad it was, and the rest of the movie just didn’t jump as high as the shark did.

Jokes repeated themselves, people constantly had to question and joke about the sharks ability to leap out of water onto land. Only for the shark to repeatedly do so. It gets old. But I know why they’re doing it. I know what they’re doing.

Some films attempted to follow this formula and do so for the sake of making silly tongue in cheek mock yourself films. They structure the films using 50’s monster movie formulas. The whole “Gee It sure is spooky out, I hope there aren’t any ghost here. Say isn’t this that place where they said that monster was hanging out?” Then dumbass cop beside them says “Aaah you kids and your monsters. There ain’t no monsters here just old tombs and people that want peace.” Then a monster pops up and Abbot and Costello go wide eyed, gasp and run.

Sometimes it’s done right and in a way that’s weirdly fun like Lobstermen from Mars, and other times, you get this.

Don’t get me wrong I loved our Super Shark and is flopping around. But it did get old after a while, and especially again when reusing jokes. It also would’ve been nice to have done things a little different and still achieved the same end result. Like Cali’s death. That could’ve gone differently and still been fun. She could’ve had Greg and Tyler chasing after them trying to apologize awkwardly and Tyler along with Gary get eaten, While Cali hides then awkwardly cries out about them getting what they deserved. Or hell even have her leave the couple to make out and tell them how she hopes karma bites them in the ass. Have the shark kill them both and Cali be none the wiser about it.

A lot could be done differently. But also it could be left the same and just maybe trim a bit of the fat back. They didn’t need a couple shots. You didn’t need as much of the bar scenes. You could’ve lost maybe a couple of the bits in the beginning with the introduction to the love triangle. Which still when you think about it, played off really weirdly.

The reason I feel it could be trimmed is because of the way they shot everyone. It came off like they were almost going off of another script or idea entirely.

What I mean is if you go back? There’s an exchange between Tyler where she’s giving Greg attitude and ask why he was late. He makes a comment about something keeping him busy, he gives Cali a look and raises his brow in a “You know’ way, and then it cuts to Cali who gives a weird “Teehee we did something together’ look. Like it’s right there. They’re projecting off of each other that there is an established meeting that happened between them where they screwed around. That’s the impression it gives. Especially with the looks and knowing glances they give each other. And the way Tyler takes it and reacts. It’s like she takes it as such too. But then directly after. When they start the next scene of Tyler and Cali walking. She’s talking as if she just met Greg and wants to date him, which is where Tyler tells her go for it. So it’s just a bit weird and again bits of it could be trimmed and still get the same effect.

But by and large a lot of the films delivery just didn’t work well.

Especially. Especially! With Oil man. His scenes were really a bit off and felt it was meant to go in a different direction but they just kind of. Half assed what they were attempting. When you are going for the whole, sleazy guy invites all business lady to his place. You run with it. But instead they just don’t even bother. They get out the information they need to then move on. Which I mean. That can be fine. But when you are setting a certain type of scene up. Run with it. Otherwise take the tone and change it before hand.

It was really hit or miss. But I still had fun with it because of was silly. But the ending really. Really needed to sparkle and it didn’t.

The first fight was a very quick very jumbled mess. But again. They were doing the whole 1950’s monster thing. Just badly. But then you enter the second fight and. It’s somehow worse than the first fight. But you have a mech tank. Why not do more with the mech tank and maybe toss some soldiers into the mix as well. I know budget comes into play but it still feels like. Well calling upon the king of low budget and putting every dollar up on the screen. If Roger Corman can out do your ending. With a low budget and not go over it. You should be able to achieve the same. It just felt like the movie was banking on the end being insanely fun. They tease it to you at the beginning so you’ll stick around. But by the time it gets around to actually happening. It’s just a fizzle instead of a boom. It’s like South Park when the kids were being told how amazing and fun snakes are. So they buy them, light them, and all you get is a coil of ash uncurling then breaking and stopping. It’s the same kind of deal.

Maybe had people known the type of film it was trying to be, before hand? It might have helped. But the film really seemed to bank on teasing you with that ending battle, then delivering a “This is all we had time”. It’s a bit of a downer on an otherwise okay movie.

Would I recommend it? Yeah maybe. If you got time to kill and want to chill out for a bit. It’s not the funniest thing. But it is something you can put on in the background and when you look back at the screen you’ll see a belly flopping shark so. It does that job well.

Again I find that we somehow picked wisely in the two films with a similar theme going on. So if we even needed it to be said I will. Dinoshark did it better, and the ending like though cheesy. Worked better in that film, versus this one.

Take care, don’t ask about jumping sharks and remember. It can fly.