SHARK-A-THON!! Day 18 DINOSHARK!!

Day 18 DinoShark

Nothing like a SyFy style film to lift your spirits and dash them off the side of a bullet train, am I right? Well so far it’s about 40/60 and you can read into those as you wish.

But that’s what brings us together today. A 2 million dollar dinosaur shark movie. Not Jurassic Shark though. We chose to exclude that from the list. I’d rather not delve into that directors ‘work’ again if possible. Pluss this looked fun. It could be horrible and leave us broken again. Bit we can only hope, right?

So lets dive on in and see where this one takes us.

Roger Corman, take us away!

Dinoshark

Tagline; Fear What’s Just Below the Surface

Synopsis: A baby dinoshark evolves into a ferocious predatory adult, terrorizing tourist and locals offshore from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

Short and to the point. Love it.

I know I mentioned SyFy and that’s because it did at one time air on there. But this was made for Starz originally I do recall. It’s also produced by Roger and Julia Corman, so. That gives us a marked seal of approval right off the bat. Sort of. As long as films like two headed shark aren’t in your head.

We begin our film with a really wonderful and amazing sight to see, I’ve seen once thanks to family being on an Alaskan cruise, and that’s seeing chunks of a glacier crack and fall free. Only this time around the glacial ice falling free happens to set free little baby dinosharks! Which manage to survive in the incredibly changed water temperature from what it was used to many millions of years ago. Again we won’t question the science. We will just accept that it works. Also its Roger Corman, the man gave us a maggot that humped and squashed a woman so. Yeah.

Anyhow we are skipping ahead 3 years. Giving this Dinoshark time to grow and get used to its surroundings. A man decides this little spot in the ocean is just as good as any to go for a little scuba dive. Only he’s wrong.

Dead. Wrong!

Yes he gets eaten by the dinoshark. Is the death glorious? Or is it lackluster. It’s Roger Corman. They aren’t hiding anything. We get a slow motion girl coming down the stairway for prom shot of the Dinoshark, in all its underwater glory. Just before it swims up and chomps the mans arm off taking him down below the surface, and calling him lunch. It’s a quick death for tv. Not much in the way of blood and the attack happens quick enough you don’t really notice much of the CGI. They just wanted to make sure you got a good look at what they made before the attack. Nice and to the point.

First kill out of the way. Means we can move on to some character introductions. Speaking of which.

Did someone say HEROINE?!

Well there’s a man that looks like a dad trying to pull of a Kurt Russel hair style and he is unloading a few hefty bricks of it.

I don’t know where he went partying before returning this boat. But I guess he’s in the right place. Seriously this guy likely was Kurts stunt double, or he just stuck with the look because it got him something. So he parks his boat and hands the keys off to one of our main characters, Trace. He’s a man who left for better things, only to find himself back where he left. For reasons we may just find out as the film goes on. Or not. We’ll see how the run time fairs in the end.  But he seems at home, back in the port of Vallarta. He even meets up with and connects with an old friend who has also moved on to bigger and better things. From boat care to port authority. Which may hinder or help their relationship.

But we will likely get more into that later. For now lets enjoy ourselves and all the fun we can have. While things are fun.

Like surfing, partying. Drinking. Playing pool. Drinking. Surfing and being eaten by a Dinoshark. That’s right! A surfer ends up catching a sweet wave and wham. Shark food. It’s a sad end to an otherwise nice day for surfing. But no one is shedding any tears. It’s time to drink. There isn’t much else to do and it’s one of the cheapest forms of entertainment in this town.

Seriously there is a LOT of drinking and partying going on. Even as Trace finds his way to a local bar that used to be his stomping ground. Reconnecting with friends. And drinking. People inquiring what he’s been up to, what adventures he’s gotten himself into. What’s he drinking so they can drink. SHOTS FOR EVERYONE!

And then we’re back out to everyone partying.

Seriously this movie is 20 minutes in and thus far its mostly party town.

So as the people party and our Dinoshark swims around. Obviously someone must die right? Well unfortunately its going to be a lady whom asked Trace to meet them later. She’s decided to go for a quick dip in Los Muertos Reef. Yes the reef of death.

Which surprisingly lives up to its name. As we soon see after she is attacked several times by the Dinoshark. Viciously attacked even. First she’s dragged down. Then she’s released and chomped on across her torso. Finally it goes in for the kill and all that is left of our dear swimmer, is a leg.  With any luck? She was marinated in tequila jello shooters and the shark can begin to experience all that the Puerto Vallarta has to offer.

Farewell Rita. Meter maid.

Well with Rita missing, her good friend Carol is concerned. Carol actually has a lot on her plate, which is not something you want in a party town. But she has some big decisions to make, and she needs her friend Rita’s input. Unfortunately Rita was inputed into the shark.

Carol was enjoying a nice lunch out with her boss. Whom proposed a new better paying job. Which he’d very much like her to consider. But he also wants to take her out for drinks. An offer he always wants her to really consider. So these things are, things she has to consider. Thus her plate being rather full. But she will weigh her options carefully and get back to him soon. If only Rita were here to offer her safe advice.

Well maybe Rita can help after all! It seems she’s washed up on shore. At least half of her has.

It’s a cheap effect that’s done by the master of cheap. So it looks passable. We have Ritas torso washed up on the beach. Her body is mostly buried under sand, with a prosthetic placed over her midsection and a few latex intestines laid out for effect. It passes for tv gore without being excessive, and it looks impressive when you don’t linger on it too long.

Honestly the effects in this movie are pretty well done. They’re also handled just about right. When we see the Dinoshark under water, it’s in full glorious display, nothing hidden and it looks like passable CGI. The shark itself is a combination T-Rex skull, grafted to an Alligator ridged body. With a rocky looking fin.

It’s not the prettiest. But it is so far the least offensive looking. Okay fine its fun and dumb. I like it.

Before I can begin to wonder what this film is going to do as we have only one hour left in our hour and 30 minute film. Things happen!

Trace is out on his boat when he catches over the radio a distress call going out. Not too far from him actually. The distress? Is two men on patrol, investigating a distress beacon. A beacon that was swallowed by our Dinoshark early on in the movie when it attacked the lone diver in fact. So our shark is beeping away waiting essentially for its Uber eats meal, which arrives all too quickly with the two patrol men. They spot the massive fins and oddly shaped body. Needless to say they’d rather be partying versus out here on the ocean with this thing.

But luckily our shark picks up on this and decides to invite these two men to rock and roll at sea with the Sharko de Dino.

The shark rocks the boat, and one man rolls off the boat into the water. Yes he’s immediately chomped on. The shark is all about fun and games, but he is also about protein and wicked gains. So he’s gonna eat that meat.

Which unfortunately happens in front of Trace as his shop draws near and he witnesses the man thrashing in the water. Couple with thrashings from the shark itself. Showing off its impressive Dino skinned hide in the process.

So now we have a dead Rita on the beach, and a port authority man being chomped to death. Things aren’t looking good, and Trace is ultimately questioning if he should’ve waited for his return, or if his friends will claim he brought this upon them all. I mean I’d think it but. That’s just me.

Well unfortunately the one man isn’t enough for this big boy shark. So he takes down the second patrol man, and because it’s a wild waves party. He destroys the boat for good measure.

This of course as you might guess, negatively impacts Trace. He can’t believe what he’s just seen. It was a shark but not. A prehistoric looking crocodile maybe. A Dinocrock? No. That’s another movie. I’m not joking. These Dino films are a series and I’m sorely tempted to check them out. Maybe.

So far this movie hasn’t offered much in the way of character. Just interactions and a lot of death. It’s not bad, not at all. But it does leave me curious where we’re going with this. Especially with early and the guy with the bricks of heroine. So random to have that and no follow through but. That could change.

As for now Trace is headed back to the bar of his roots. He has to share with someone. Anyone who will listen, about what he saw. So who better to force listening to your bullshit than a bartender.

Only the bartender has decided he is far to sober for this news and he immediately writes it off. But he is sympathetic to the fact he witnessed two people and their boat get ripped apart by what the news is calling a tiger shark. So he gives him a beer. This town loves its booze.

Just as Trace is about to begin his one man booze party. In walks Carol. Immediately wondering why the bar is closed. But because she’s in good with these two they swing a glass of water around for her. She drinks when she’s ready to relax. Never before. Professional party lady.

She never directly learns why the bar is closed that day. Because no one cares enough to tell her. However god takes pity on her and the rest of us. So the TV news takes care of that possibly. But telling us about the two patrol men killed along with a local female swimmer identified as the lovely Rita meter maid.

Well now Carol is the saddest of sad pandas, which is understandable.

Trace did not know about their friend dying. But now that he does know. He knows what he must do.

Without much hesitation, or finishing off his drink. He announces “That wasn’t a shark. What I saw. It had horns, and scales…I’m  going out there, and I’m going to stop it.

He finishes his bear, readies to head out , but Carol stop him. “I’m coming with you”, he thinks about it, figures sure why not. So he invites the blonde shark bait along with him. We have a shark crew. Ready to kick prehistoric tail.

Figuratively.

They aren’t killing anything but time. In fact the two just chill on the rocks along the shore and talk about Rita, and their plans for taking down this shark. For Rita. For those men and their boat.

So what’s their plan? No idea. They’re saving that for later.

Why I don’t know but. We’ll get there. We will.

What we get for now however? Is another death setup. Because we need that body count and to keep you invested.  So who gets it this time? A blonde.

Not our blonde, no no. She’s still reminiscing on the beach with Trace over Rita. Instead we get a smooth talking hotel worker and an attractive blonde who came for some romance, sunshine and a white wine. Which she finds in the cheesiest of ways. The man is not subtle with his intentions to wine, done and 68. For those not familiar a 69 is, you go down on the guy and he owes you one. Get it? I’m sorry.

Well he provides a nice place for her to lounge, and some nice chilled wine. However when he seeks out payment in the form of a smooch. She turns her attention to his boat. Wondering off toward it and playfully examining said boat. Recommending he take her for a ride some time. However he’s more interested in another kind of ride, and getting them both closer to sexy time.

The Dinoshark finds this all rather dull and he can only stomach so many sad attempts at picking up a girl who’s already made her mind up and is simply making him work for it. So when the horny man thinks it’d be silly fun to push her into the water. Our shark shakes his head in disapproval and saves the woman from further embarrassment, and eats her. Which is actually a pretty fun moment in the kill zone really. She gets pulled under and immediately chomped in half. With her last effort for survival, we see her arms flailing and torso rising to the surface. Horny man grabs her arm ready to hoist her from the water. Which would be a pretty typical scare of AH A TORSO! But no. The movie takes it another more creative way. The moment he grabs onto her arms ready to reveal she’s only a torso. The shark bites back down on the torso and hers down. Taking the man into the water via his holding her arms.

It’s a pretty fun kill and I appreciate it.

We may not be getting much of anywhere 40 minutes in but, we are definitely getting some fun kills, and the movie isn’t exactly boring.

Well have no fear as we are entering into shark hunting time. Or at the very least a nice boat ride for Trace and Carol. They’re aboard Trace’s ship out looking for clues and shark sign. Which gives them more time to further their own backstories and connect. There might be a possible love connection or, at least we hope. There will be a good friendship if both people survive.

Unfortunately they don’t find the shark. What they do find however is the emergency signal. Which thanks to a quick call is identified as one from a sailboat last spotted. IN ALASKA!!

The plot. She thickens.

But she also goes nowhere. That’s all we get. Seriously. I. I don’t know why. But hey at least they’ve established a pattern and possible point of origin for the mystery shark.

So what we REALLY need. Is some true investigation. I’m talking true crime investigation and police work. I’m talking about using google from home. Naturally.

Which. Is what Carol does. This scene is. Well.

It’s Roger Corman.

I’ll explain, as this scene is rather sudden, and has an ending to it which makes no sense, unless you are familiar with Corman’s older films.

Once home and free to do internet research., Carol begins googling a local shark expert and research expert. A Dr. Frank Reeves(Played by none other than Roger Corman) She looks him up and begins sifting through his research. Leading her to eventually uncover, of all things. A drawing depicting a prehistoric shark. A prehistoric shark, which matches Trace’s description perfectly. She is shook by this. She stands up from her desk. Staring in shock at the screen. And takes her top of. Then walks off in a hurry.

End scene.

I would ask. Logically. Why a woman. Or man for that matter. Upon finding something so shocking that brings to light something your friend was saying and proves to be true. Showing you there is indeed an ancient predator out stalking the waters. Why one would feel compelled to remove their top, or in a mans case go dicks out for google shark.

I would ask this. But I won’t. Because we just had a movie last night tell us it was perfectly logical for a man to find and locate a killer shark, shoot at it. Then leap into the water with it to swim to shore and drive home and save his son. Who was miles away safe, from the killer shark. Which was 10 feet away from the man shooting at it. After that. You can’t really question much I think.

But this is, classic Corman. The man learned early on in his career, and now jokes about it with scenes like this. That in order to keep people in their seats, especially their large audience of males. You need kills, and you need nudity. But as this is a tv movie. We get breast in lingerie. So there you have it. Logical breast shot.

I guess.

So with a change in evening attire. She’s taking her imac onto Trace’s boat. Showing him the pictures she found and the research. She felt it would excite him and prove he was correct. But he doesn’t want to believe a prehistoric shark could survive and exist.

This frustrates her. I mean I get it. I’d be upset if I changed my outfit after some intense googling and thought I did some good for a friend to find the problem. Only to have them mock our findings.

But he decides to put a little faith into this. He begins putting together in his alcohol brined mind what had possibly happened, if this is true.

That possibly a shark previously frozen in a sleeping state would become freed by some shift or change in its frozen environment. It then could have attacked that sailboat. Swallowed the beacon and headed south for warmer waters. Which would then bring it down to their happy little Mexican port town. It’s all making sense now. But he still worries that this Dr. Frank will laugh at them both, or worse just her, when confronted with the possibility an ancient shark has been brought back and is now feeding.

She gives no fucks and tells him she’ll go alone and talk to Dr. Frank about it. So she takes off for the night. But not before Trace thanks her for her help and google assistance. She appreciated that, and he may have just saved himself. Earning a handful of goodboy points. Good job Trace.

And she’s following through with her promise to follow up with Dr. Frank. We’re finally getting our plot rolling here and this can only mean good things I feel. Good things.

It’s always fun seeing Roger Croman on screen. But what’s better than seeing him on screen? Hearing him speak. The man is the most well pronounced speaker. Ever. He’s also rather charming and hearing him speak you can understand how it is a man like that can talk people into investing thousands of dollars into his early films. I mean not everyone can sell the idea of a space movie with a ship that features breast on its design, or creatures having sex with women to bring their species population up and help swarm the beaches.

He also really, really loved filming on beaches.

Well when she approaches him about this species of shark. He is dismissive. For him, they are just drawings on his site. But he does carry a want to believe. I mean we have found species of fish thought to be long gone before so it is possible. But he’s not fully writing her off. He wants to hear her story. She tells him about what happened, and the shark description matching those drawings.

He’d still like to believe her but, the simple truth is, they need physical proof in order to confirm. So the shark has to be seen and identified. Sounds a bit familiar.

We also learn that. This isn’t possibly the only siting likely of this shark. There have been three others over the years. But nothing ever confirmed.
So we have a quest now. Once we get that done, we can. I don’t actually know. We will find out though.

I hope. I really really hope. Well all good things, right?

What about Trace. What is he up to?

Well, Trace is ignoring the wishes of Carol and has decided to go out chumming in his boat, with a shotgun. This is sounding. REALLY familiar now. I just pray his logic is better, and that his boat will remain working.

Well to no ones surprise, he is able to locate the shark. But he can’t seem to get a clear shot on it. That won’t stop him of course from taking a few shots of course. But it’s all to no effect. He does do one smart thing though. So he DOES listen to logic now and then. He whips out his cellphone and takes the first picture that isn’t a dick pick. He snaps a shot of the sharks fin before it can vanish into the water. But now he’s noticing the shark is headed back toward the mainland, which means feeding time.

Trace takes off at full speed looking to beat the shark and hopefully warn the people.

However thanks to the diligence of the ever watchful patrols. He is pulled over in his boat and it is confiscated. He was going ten times over the aloud limit in a no wake zone, and he also was packing an illegal fire arm. He had no permits or papers, so that means not a fun day for Trace. He does try to tell them about this shark. Thee Dinoshark. And they rightfully laugh in his face. I mean if he tried saying he was out there trying to find and kill the shark that killed his friend? Then that could’ve gotten him some sympathy and he likely could have kept his boat. Maybe. But telling people you are hunting a prehistoric shark well. That’s just going to go every which way but right.

So A victory in the shark hunt game for Carol, a crushing defeat and loss of boat for Trace.

So what do we do? We kill more people of course! And drink more shots!

This time we’ve moved from blondes, and find ourselves in the land of fire and redheads. She’s an aggressive one and her boy pal is no match for her energy levels. He’d like to think he can. But she would absolutely destroy him. She doesn’t even hide that fact.

The two are going out for a two person kayak ride. She’s super excited for this and he’s just glad to be along for the ride.

Until she spots with her keen vision, they are being followed. By a shark fin attached to a Dinoshark.

Now, this shark has been around many, many, many millions of years. So it might know a thing or two about woman. It becomes a Chad shark and decides to pull her boy pal off the kayak and devour him. She surprisingly isn’t thankful for this. Or she might be after the shock wears off. Who knows. But the shark awkwardly swims off and leaves her alone in the kayak. I’m assuming at least. They don’t show us and we leave her screaming her head off on the kayak.

Well Dr. Frank is a good man, he’s keeping his word that he would look into this prehistoric shark on his end, and investigate the distress beacon they recovered as it seemed to have some blood samples on it. It’s a funny as hell scene because, again. Roger Corman is a very well spoken man and a joy to watch on screen. He attends a party and talks with a friend about his findings as well as the possibility that a shark like that could survive being frozen and  return to life.

What makes the scene hilarious. Is that there is a mariachi band playing in the background for everyone at this gathering. So it makes talking a bit difficult, he pardons himself and approaches the band, and says, “Amigos, you’re music is great, but could you hold the volume down just a little bit?” he smiles and tips his glass to them. The band immediately begins playing their song softly, and lowers their voices while never losing tune. It’s great.

He discusses the shark with his friend and come to the conclusion that. While he does not believe it is probable. It is possible.

So there’s a possibility this shark killing people could have existed millions of years ago as a little pod shark and grew into an eating machine. Good to know.

Carol has met back up with Trace, who is now free of authorities and minus a boat. The two need to work together on solving this shark problem. But for once. We have something I am truly happy for. Especially given the past couple of movies.

A discussion. On what to do with the shark.

As they see the shark has headed toward inland waters. They have decided on a way to possibly trap the shark. Which Carol identifies as a Pliosaur. So it is suggested once they capture it. They blow it out of the water. Carol is upset by this and suggest they anesthetize the shark, study it. She’s told she can have its head mounted on a wall instead after they kill it. Trace likes this idea. But But Carol is not a fan, but will play along for now and they can continue this discussion again.

They didn’t shut her up. They didn’t ignore her idea. They just want to kill this beast and she feels it’d best serve her field if it were studied. For once people actually letting another character get out their idea and the possibility they’ll consider it versus telling them to fuck right off. We missed that.

So stage one of this plan. Setup a net and keep it in one spot long enough to blow it up. While keeping it from venturing further inland and possibly killing people.

That brings about stage 2. Getting explosives so they can do the exploding.

Simple enough.

So Trace sets things up. Everything should be in place and good. But they need to secure the bottom of the fence to prevent it from escaping that way. So Carol the brave dives in. She immediately begins getting to work and all the while. The shark is coming. Our dinoshark.

Have no fear though. She makes it out of the water long before it can be a threat to her. And with that? The shark is now secured.

So they succeeded. The shark is in a small canal. Which is being secured on the opposite side as well. It has nowhere else to go. It’s trapped. Ready for studying or exploding.

And just in time for this. Come two boats with patrol men. They are not hear to help. They instead arrive and immediately point pistols at Trace. Assuming he is behind all of this. We discover it was not sweet lady Heroine that was smuggled earlier on his boat by our Kurt Russel man we never saw again. But bricks of marijuana. Sweet mary jane. Add that on top of people suddenly ending up dead and missing? They believe he brought this trouble to them and is in fact the real killer. A drug running pirate!

Well the shark doesn’t like hearing this and decides to do its most graceful and truly skilled shark tricks. A leap into the air, and over the trap that held it from reaching people.

This is not going to end well.

Immediately the patrol men are shaken and begin firing. Just as sudden though, our shark begins leaping like a dog with a ball and knocks water cops into the water. Immediately eating them and moving to the next victim until it hits the Nos and surfs out of there, and into the nightmare hearts of the public awaiting it.

It seems this has now convinced the head patrolman to believe Trace that an ancient shark is the actual killer.

With the police now on his side. Its time for another plan of attack. Lets trap it again! Then decide what to do with it.

Well head water policeman isn’t hearing it. He’s calling in the big guns. A helicopter mounted with a .50 caliber turret gun. “There’s no arguing with that.”

I won’t ask you to place any bets on whether or not this thing takes out the shark. Or if the shark takes it out because. Well. You know.

16 shark films in and, you know.

We see a beautiful CGI helicopter complete with whirling blades glide into frame and steady itself “We have eyes on the shark, it is directly below us.” They are ready to finally use the mounted .50 cal they’ve spent years caring for and never getting to use. Only to have the shark leap out of the water, just as we hear on the stereo “Welcome to the jam!” and the shark, with flashes going off all around from the horde of photographers. Slams the helicopter down, roaring and splashing back into the water.

It's ridiculous, yes. But also marvelous. Like I said it’s not the best CGI. But it is far and away not the worst. It’s just right.

So now without the helicopter of hope. Trace leaps onto a boat and readies for an epic showdown. But he’s going to need some help. Help in the form of high explosives from his good friend. This again, is sounding familiar.

However. While they wait for his friend and the explosives.

Dr. frank is still studying that shark DNA. He’s beginning to put together a DNA profile in fact. Which is piecing together this shark, and we hope something worthwhile to help in the efforts for taking care of it.

Or a better way to blow the shit out of it.

We’ve got 28 minutes until this journey has to end. So maybe we got time for one more kill? Maybe. Just maybe.

I mean I’d like to find out what Dr. Frank is discovering but. The movie is telling us its more important that we now interrupt our regular programming and introduce a family stopping for a quick break before they go whale watching. We have a little boy playing on the shore with a plastic boat. He’s having fun being alive, but no a shark doesn’t come into his life. Instead a mean Crocodile spots the kid. This kid is not impressed. He comes from Florida where crocs are normal. He tells it to get lost. Literally he chucks a rock at it and tells it to get out. The crocodile is offended and also doesn’t speak English. Because it’s a crocodile. It only speaks murder.

So its moving to take on this kid and his rock arsenal. Only or Dinoshark pops up and says “This is my film pal! Fudge off you freak!” and it destroys the crocodile. Causing the kid to change his stance on what surprises him, and brings the need to change his now full pants as quickly as possible.

But the family is safe. They are on their way to watch whales and live another day.

For now!

Meanwhile Trace’s friend with the explosives and a ‘surprise’ for the shark. Is tromping around some swamps land searching for his dear friends and their boat. What he encounters instead however is our Dinoshark. Sunbathing itself. He spots this and decides he can’t wait for his friends. He’s going to introduce this shark to his surprise. He begins putting together. Which I never knew you had to put together before. A rocket launcher. Complete with said rocket. Though by the time he gets it all ready to go explode boom boom. The shark has gotten bored with him and moved down toward the public.

Which happens just in time for Trace and Carol to show up in their boat. Picking up their friend not asking why he’s packing a rocket launcher, and now our duo is a trio.

This is officially our final act. 20 minutes to go. The shark and our shark hunters are entering the Puerto Vallarta annual Regatta.

Get ready for a feeding frenzy possibility and I hope. Oooh I hope, a bunch of exploding boats from our friends firing and missing the shark.

God maybe the shark will even deflect some of the explosives with its tail.

TAKE YOUR BETS!!

But we need some added tension here. Not just the regatta. Well. We have that covered. A new Fiesta weekend event.

What Carol has been working on in her free time.

An all girl water polo team event.

These girls are super syked and ready to play. Lets hope they may it to the finals.

Actually as I watch and the shark begins ripping ass through the event, I think it’ll be better if the girls just make it out alive.

Did not expect the girls to get torn apart but they are and they are super not okay with it. #sharkssuck

Well the girls lost a goalie, but to be fair their goalie wasn’t that great anyway so it’s really the shark doing them a favor, but still not cool. Another girl is lost. But thankfully she was a bit of a bitch to one of the girls so. Again not so much a loss, as it is an open seat on next years team. Always focus on next year.

Or the trauma of these girls having their friends ripped apart right in front of them, and fearing the loss of their own life from a prehistoric killer shark. That kind of takes priority. I guess!

Well now that we’re ending the first annual all girls water polo event on a downer. And our shark trio is regrouping. We need. A new plan of approach. Thank the stars above for Dr. Frank! He’s finished his research and is calling our heroes. But they don’t want a well pronounced history lesson as fascinating as that would be. Instead they simply need to know. How do we kill it. And in that area? Dr. Frank is ready to assist, throwing down a hailstorm of knowledge.

The reason they haven’t been able to do any damage with guns and such to the shark? Is because its skin acts as an armor. It’s plated sort of. The only vulnerability in its entire skeleton? Is in the orbital cavity. The eye. They’ve gotta aim for the eye!

It’ll be as easy as bullseye-ing womprats in a T-16 back in beggars Canyon back home.

But we have to set up another threat. We no longer have the regatta. We totalled the girls polo game. So it’s time to carefully recycle earlier footage of people partying at the beach, windsurfers, the regatta. Parasailing. You name it.

It’s a buffet of carnage.

And the shark knows it. Our Dino buddy is leaping out and attacking one unlucky surfer. But he isn’t finished. He’s going after a jet ski. Is he successful? Your darn right he is!

There’s also a balding middle aged parasailer trying to get his groove back. How bout you move back. Back up into these jaws! Another man down!

Oh hey families taking a cool boat tour, want a picture that’ll last you a life time? How about a picture for your obituary! The shark is unstoppable!!

Oh hey little timmy! You remember that crocodile I saved you from earlier? I’m not sharing meals kid!

Yes that’s right! The shark did not forget about this little kid and his parents!

This movie is absolutely bug nuts insane, high octane pure gasoline man!

This shark is on a roll and it is not slowing down. It takes out the kids parents! The little guy gets to watch the shark that saved his life, ground pound his parents into another meal. He’s not even chewing at this point. He’s just chugging meat bags. And now? Now he wants the kid. He wants to complete the set and reunite that kid with his family!

This is just absolutely mayhem and it’s beautiful. The film was building up to this insanity and if you aren’t on the edge of your seat squeezing the grease out of the five slim jims you should be pounding back. You are not living my friend.

Trace is not gonna let this kid die. He abandons the boat and Carol for the jetski. Its owner won’t be needing it anymore. He….god this is pure golden cinema.

He is charging full force toward the shark and the kid. The Shark is almost there. Just then, at the last minute. Trace pulls up hard on the water jetski and goes soaring into the sky. The SHARK is joining him. Please sweet baby jesus tell me he’s going to roundhouse kick the shark in the eye.

The two are getting close to colliding and me achieving a life goal of a shark roundhouse kick. But no! Trace pops out a grenade, pops the pen and chucks the grenade at the shark! BOOM!

We have a shark down. Repeat shark down! But this shark has seen Rocky 5 unlike a lot of you. With one bloody eye the shark gets back up and in sharkonese says “I didn’t hear no bell”, The little kid is pretty much accepting his life sucks so hard right now, and Trace is agreeing fully with him.

But send in Carol! She’s got a harpoon gun and gets her one jaws line. Take it Carol. It’s all yours! “Welcome to the endangered species list, you bastard.”

It’s a grand slam! She shot the shark right in the eye and with a roar the shark sinks to the bottom of the ocean. Our heroes look on at the devastation, and the movie fades.

Not to black and white. But back to Alaska, as ANOTHER chunk of glacier falls, and another. Yes. Another baby shark is born.

Cue the familiar rock music but not so familiar it causes a lawsuit and roll credits.

The End!!

YEAH!!!

Now THAT is an ending.

This movie was. Well it was far from boring. That’s for sure. But it wasn’t exactly action packed or thrilling, until the end. Because holy cow that ending was just fully held back insanity. They went for everything and left no stone unturned.

But a good ending, does not save a movie. I mean granted it can make a movie worthwhile. Absolutely. It’s like the movie Blood Debts. Okay movie, kind of funny in its horribleness. But the ending is insane and makes it worth watching.

This thankfully is not the case though.

This is very much made in the vein of classic Corman films. His movies were always drive-in successes and midnight money makers because he had a formula. He stuck with it, and it worked. You had story, interjected with kills, but saved the best for last. And yes the nudity. Which this was without as we said because it’s rated for TV. But also he may have changed with the times as well. His movies can get a bit long in the tooth. And take a bit to settle in for. Like Galaxy of Terror. Great science fiction, very long flick. Not a lot of action but the scenes there are, are definitely memorable and worth it. But there is a lot of talking.

But that’s why his films stood out too. He didn’t direct this. But it has his hands all over it. You can sense that. And it’s a good thing.

The shark CGI was appropriate for the budget. They never tried to impress anyone. It was what it needed to be and that was all it needed to be. A movie monster. It also thankfully stayed the same size. Which is greatly appreciated.  The film was slow at times, yes. But not slow enough to distract, not in the least. It holds your attention. Scenes are given time to linger, do what’s needed then move on to the next in a nice and natural flow. It felt like a movie, and not a SyFy crapper, or asylum try hard. It was a good old B-movie and that’s all it needed to be. Simple and sweet.

The actors weren’t stand out performances, but they also weren’t horrible. No one felt out of place or unneeded. They didn’t over act or under perform. They all did they jobs well. They were likeable enough and it helped. The kills were great. Not a lot of gore just flashes, and like others we’ve seen they handled it mostly off screen. A few of them I even noticed were animated too. Like the woman’s torso swimming upward and arms waving. It didn’t look completely natural. But it also didn’t really look CGI’D. It’s using old and new tricks to achieve the desired effect for the movie and it worked.

Hell even scenes with the shark chasing people under water worked incredibly well. You knew it was CGI but it didn’t stand out in a gross or laughable way. It was done well enough to work and be believable. Gave you something to look for.

Honestly they all did a great job with this one. I wasn’t sure at first because of the slow start. But once I settled in, and the movie did its thing. It just got better and better. Then that ending came and just blew things up and out of the water by a hundred. Seriously that was pretty amazing and I love it. Did not expect it at all, and that’s even better.

Even funnier, and I should’ve mentioned it but there was just a lot more to go into while watching. The music in this thing.

It’s hysterical and funny if you pay attention. There are times they did their own version of the jaws theme. Just enough of the real theme not to get sued, but enough you knew what it was. They also took familiar songs you definitely will know, Like the song they repeatedly used for the parties. Its going to sound like Gloria Estefan’s Conga. You are NOT entirely wrong. It’s an as close to that song as they can get to sound like it, carry the same vibe and just when your mind is about to click and go ‘HEY! I know this!” they change it just enough that it’s close! But a micro beat away from being that song. They also did the same with the end credits playing a VERY Led Zeppelin sounding song, But again. Few little note drops and you got royalty free music.

Its great and a classic money saver.

Which is saying something for a film made for roughly 2 million dollars.

It’s classic low budget in every sense of the meaning and just as entertaining as one of those films should be.

Really you need to check it out and enjoy it with friends or a shark plushy. You won’t be disappointed.

I’m really glad we picked this one and it’s definitely going in a favorites shelf. It wasn’t amazing, it wasn’t the greatest. But man it was fun and entertaining.

Check it out and until tomorrow. Even though it’d be cool as hell. Don’t roundhouse a shark in the face.