SHARK-A-THON!! Day 15 House Shark!!

Day 15 House Shark

Well, after yesterdays journey, we can only hope that upward is the way we’ll be going. However this poster and tagline for the film. I’m gonna hope, and have some cider on hand in case. It could also be fun so. We’ll hope so. If you don’t find it free then you can find it coupled together on DVD with our so far best feature Bad CGI Shark. So that sounds. Hopeful? We really hope so. I mean it’s a silly fun premise. A shark that attacks in your home. Also one of the starts looks like a human goat so. We will hope that bodes well.

So lets dive on in, shall we?

Yes.

House Shark

Tagline: You’re gonna need a bigger house

Synopsis: When Frank finds his happy home under attack by a dangerous but largely unknown breed of shark, he enlists the aid of the world’s only “House Shark” expert, Zachary, and a grizzled former real estate agent, Abraham, to embark on a desperate quest to destroy the beast and claim back his life. It’s Jaws in a house!

That is, certainly a statement. We already know about the cringe of quoting Jaws, and our last movie did similar with its poster.

We have another SRS release on our hands so let us begin. And what a beginning it is.

The film synopsis dd warn this was Haws in a house. They were not wrong. The very beginning of the movie is. Well it’s jaws. We get shark music reminiscent of that film and instead of a shark traveling through the ocean along the seaweed and such. We open with presumably a House Shark floating along the grass of, well a home. I kinda dig it and the vibe they’re setting isn’t very subtle. But its fun. We need fun, and not cringe.

Speaking of fun. We meet our lead character, and his son. Which given their age difference would mean dad was a very active guy his freshman year of high school.

Dad is also a retired sheriff. Which we learn as he’s readying for his first date in a long long time. Which, his date is. Close to my own experience when I returned to dating after a long relationship ended. It’s, something.

His son apparently still needs a babysitter, so we have Betsy. She’ll be taking care of his son, while dad deals with an amazing hot date. Seriously his date is hilarious.

And before anyone ask. No this movie does not look like a porno. It’s pretty decently low budget. Again the theme its going for is working thus far. It’s a good kind of humor.

Betsy has full run of the house and she’s pretty chill with the son. They have a nice friendship and she is right to pick on someone his age needing a light on and cracked door as he sleeps.

She is going to die.

Like a lot.

How though, is the horrifying part.

She’s had a busy day watching a kid, and reading Moby Dick. Which is not an easy read for most to get through. Believe me.

Oh right how she dies. Before that. I have to say something important.

We are exactly 7 minutes into this film. And I’m kinda losing it with my hopes growing for this. It’s showing signs of a fun movie.

As 10:35 roles back and dad is still not home from his top shelf date. Betsy is still reading and stops herself because. She needs to use the bathroom.

Now. Typically. When you go to the bathroom, as a man at least. We have particular groups.

Usually you unzip and go. Or unbuckle, take a seat and go from there. Some very…very rare instances you get weirdos who drop their pants to their ankles and start pissing. It’s….well a thing. Thanks to an Ex who used to enjoy wearing jumpers in Summer. I learned they have no choice but to take them off so they can use the restroom. The price of fashion.

Betsy. Apparently has to remove every article of clothing to piss. She was not wearing a jumper. She had several layers of clothes on in fact and. Removed every last stitch to sit on the toilet.

By the way? Good for her.

And this isn’t just a movie piss. Oh no. They’re going full blown with this. We are not getting the Walmart relaxing rainforest CD pee. We are getting the Niagara Falls piss. Complete with, and I love her for complaining about it. Period gas.

What the fuck movie. I’m not saying a piss scene is winning me over. But I am saying this is headed in a good direction.

Speaking of direction.

We go from a pissing farting Betsy. To our shark vision. Blue filter. We’re getting a view from the drainage pipe straight up the toilet and….right to two parked cheeks. This is not sexy, and you shouldn’t be chubbing or half clam right now. If you are. That’s your deal.

But unfortunately for betsy. Her time is done. As the shark literally eats her ass and she dies like a fucking legend. Not even screaming. Just devoured on the toilet.

Farewell and adieu, Betsy.

Meanwhile dating dad Frank has returned from his date…

What the fuck am I watching, and how to put it.

So Frank.

Frank had a big meal himself on his date, as she drives off and tells him his tongue was legendary. And we see he’s somehow grown a goatee of hair that’s not his own. Where it came from I will leave up to all of you to decide as it possibly came from not one, but two places.

Which if so? Good for him.

But seriously what the fuck am I watching. This movie is just stacking it up one after the other now and, I’m kinda digging it.

Even as Frank begins wretching after his night. We can only imagine the terrors he’s scene as he continues to wipe his mouth for several minutes while gagging.

We see the tv was left on, his poor son has yet to sleep and now we have screams.

BETSY! She’s still alive?

She is alive, but not happy. She’s on the toilet covered in blood screaming. Frank rushes upstairs to find her stuck to the toilet while her ass is being eaten. He runs over to help her pulling on her arms but she is secured to that toilet and all the blood makes it hard to grip her so unfortunately for Betsy. Frank loses his grip and falls back. It is only then. That we see betsy slowly pulled down into the toilet and is no more.

Goodnight sweet gassy pisser

There’s blood splattered on the walls and the bathroom looks like a murder scene or the result of a chipotle dinner. You be the judge.

But how do we close out such a brutal scene? This movie has won me over.

The son rushes into the room asking his dad what’s wrong and more importantly, “Why do you smell like an old tire.”

Why do you smell like an old tire…

Fuck me running.

But there is no time to answer his son as the dad hears noises from the toilet and blood spits out at him. Soon followed. By a fin. A fin, of a shark. In their toilet.

So as our father son duo try to move on from this traumatic event. We learn they can’t really. They’re selling trying to sell their home and at a super crazy low price. Which is being sold by Reagan realty. They tear down the hoe ownership wall.

This movie is just…what we needed. I love it.

10 minutes in for an hour and 52 minute run time and you’ve won me over. Please don’t break my heart and drop the ball.

Seriously I am loving the humor of this thing and with that long of a run time, It’s got a lot to hold up for, so I hope it can.

Father and son find themselves now living outside the home. In a tent. More like tarp but still. This is their life. Roughing it in the wilds. Which we unfortunately get to witness. From brushing teeth and using a yard hose, to cooking a can of beans on the grill for supper, and using the yard as a toilet. And you thought rummaging through the junkyard on his date was the lowest point in Franks life.

Anything beats living in a house where its not save to shit.

And another thing. Which says a lot. This film is giving us yet another jaws reference. I feel there will be many. But its clever, dirty fun enough that as said before gives it a pass. It’s mostly when your film is horrible and the attempt is cheap when you rip off jaws scenes and quotes that it becomes groan worthy. What scene are we taking this time?

A pretty fun one. Father and son are sitting down enjoying a plate of beans, and the son begins mimicking everything the father does. Yes that classic scene. It’s funny as hell actually. As the father notices the son miming him, he doesn’t find it cute. He actually grabs him by the shirt collar and shouts “What the hell kid! Can’t you see I’m going through hell here?!” Shit like this cracks me up, it’s a fun take on the scene and good jab at humor. It’s appreciated.

We are getting a new character introduction as well now! Which is just as what the fuck funny. We now meet his former wife, and mother of his child. She’s not here to cut his balls off. She is however here with a choice for Frank. Either get a new house and keep their son inside it. Or she’s suing for full custody. Which triggers the manliest of man crying from Frank. He is a complicated man going through a lot right now.

What nearly made me spit up my drink was the fact that. When Frank sits up from the tent he crawled off to cry inside of. After his few seconds of manly crying. His noise and mouth are now smothered in thin green slime.

Seriously movie don’t stop this, It’s great and I’m cheering for you now.

Even funnier is him tryng to explain to his ex wife that he can’t forget what he saw and what happened. That there is a shark living in his plumbing. To which his wife tells him, all that happened with Betsy.

Betsy the woman who stripped naked and exploded the room in blood and guts, who’s remains filled the toilet and the rest of vanished.

Was, “Nothing more than a plumbing accident.”

A fucking plumbing accident ripped a womans body through her ass and exploded her all over the bathroom.

This was no plumbing accident! He knows its there in the house. “It’s looking at me.  Undressing me with its eyes. Violating my every orifice with its sick, twisted, perverted mind! It’s got a penis, but tits too, like some sort of shemale. And it tricks you, makes you think it’s a woman, until you’re at home alone with it. All naked and horned up and you think, hey! Why let my first real boner in months go to waste?!”

Frank is….Frank is going through things. Right now. In his life.

He just wants his ex wife to believe him!

But she does not. She believes he needs help. Serious help. He’s a man alone.

Speaking of a man alone.

It seems the real estate company looking to sell his house. Is looking to do a little more than just that. Reagan Real Estate is. Actually run by a bearded man. Named Ronald Reagan. Which leads to a grand what the hell setup and scene. They’re going full hog here,  and it’s great.  We learn the history of this company. About Ronald’s great grandfather who came here from Italy. Ulysses “Bubbles” Grant. Who is a real person posed as a statue on his office. With a growling face and creeper hands out like claws. . Ulysses came to this country with one great goal. To dominate the real estate market of the United States. Which they’ve done.

He's giving us this history lesson because George, his employee hasn’t yet sold that house or retrieved it. They need this to happen. Or George will find himself missing, like their competition. “We have a 97 and ¾% closing ratio” This makes them the cream of the crop as our patron saint Macho Man says, “And do you know what happened to the agents of the remaining 2 and ¼%, George? Well let’s just say neither do their families! Sell the house George. Or you’ll find out what happened to the other 2 and a ¼%!”

With that he slaps George and tells him to get his sweet ass out of there.

His actual words. To nail home this simple joke of the character? His secretaries name is Nancy.

They’re jabbing at a former President. They aren’t going overboard. It isn’t a person made up to look like them. They just go with the simple joke. It works and had they not. It would’ve just been awkward. Kudos.

What’s more important I think with the humor in this. Is your given a moment to take it in and laugh. Then they move on. It’s never lingered on or left hanging out there, which usually wears out its welcome. Its actually well done with all the jokes so far and they’ve remained consistent  nearing 30 minutes of a surprisingly long haul of a film.

Honestly I was expecting another shark parody which I would’ve had to question reviewing but again, much like Bad CGI Sharks, this film is going the opposite while poking fun at the familiar. The jokes are great site gags and setups. It helps make things enjoyable and again invest you in the story. Pluss it’s actually moving on with the story in each scene instead of existing solely for a joke setup.

Which brings us back to the shark infested house. Frank spent his day out at the library researching his housing problem and the shark attempting to violate his orifices. This lead him to discovering House Sharks are a breed of sharks. Albeit rare but still a thing. More so there is a leading, and only expert in these matters. So he has hope!

Meanwhile George is taking to heart the threat his boss made against him. So he’s showing the house of shark to a couple and their dog. With Frank not present he actually gets the couple inside the house. Frank has no intention of selling the house though. His sole plans for the house are to see it burn. Burn it down to the ground, desecrate its ashes and bury the ashes in blessed soil topped with salt to prevent Warlocks from unearthing it.

Julian Sands taught us that salt is painful to warlocks. That’s where I was going…moving on.

As Frank returns home to find his home now with people inside it. He rushes to the front door. Immediately breaking out into full blown prophet of death, he even shouts out the classic line “Your all gonna die up there!” While George holds him off at the door, and Frank, like a child flails his arms outward trying to reach and stop the couple. George kindly shoves him outside and the two have a word. Leaving the couple inside the house. This can as you guess, only go well. He tries sympathizing with Frank and mirrors his ex wifes sentiment but in a much funner way, “I read the police report. They didn’t find anything. It was some kinda freak suction built up in the pipes from the waste station”

Feak. Suction. My god.

Well Frank is not having any of it, “But what did the coroner say, huh? What did he write at first huh? He said it looked like a shark attack!”

But it turns out no. No the coroner did not initially say that. But Frank is pretty sure the coroner atleast thought it!

Well, while these two try to settle the debate on whether or not Betsy was freakishly sucked off through the toilet or had her ass eaten on it. We have our two potential home buyers still in the house, and unattended. Which I’ve always felt weird about having people walk through your home you are attempting to sell with all your stuff out there? For the taking? Just not cool.

But these two aren’t thinking of taking anything. Unless you count taking their clothes off! As stated by John the hard rock husband who tells his lady friend Dolly that ‘The first place I’m gonna make mad monkey love to you? Is right here.” She’s surprised by this, asking if he means right now and he lets her know he MEANS right now, with a swift hand on her backside and the sweetest five words you can tell your lover, “Give me the stink baby!”

This movie, fuck my love lol

Well as his hands get super gropey, She makes the all to familiar horror call of “Where’s the doggo?” it looks like unfortunately the lil pupper has met his end as we are shown a leash on the floor, minus its dog. And sure enough as this film is on its mark. We switch to that familiar azure gel filter and up those stairs comes our House Shark.

Our not Jaws theme begins to play. The shark is circling closer off camera, Dolly is unsure about this situation as something feels uncomfortable, she then states, and I love that these words were uttered because yes I love the humor, “John stop, I don’t want someone to catch us with your fingers up my butt.” Of al things.

But it gets better. This entire sequence is just. Gold.

Because again. If it wasn’t entertaining, the jaws riffs would be groan worthy.

We cut from johns butt digging fingers, To Frank and George having a scuffle outside the house, when George notices movement at one of the windows. “Wait! What’s that?”, we turn to look and find John screaming at the window before being pulled off screen. And suddenly. Between the two men. Comes a woman loosely dressed, in a very 70’s attire just as the same woman in jaws was, and uses the same lines, “Shark….it. It’s a shark!” pointing at the window, and then faints.

Goddamn man.

George and Frank make way to the window and we are greeted to screen filter, after screen filter of blood splatter. Added in layers on the screen. Until it’s flooded red.

We are at 30 minutes and this is how much we’ve got going on.

And if you hadn’t caught on by now, or by the very true remark in the synopsis. This is Jaws in a house. They’re doing it right and I love it. The last, and only film I watched that did a fun Jaws riff beginning to end, and they went balls out on every reference and scene. Was BLADES. About a lawnmower on a golf course eating golfers. We’ve still got a lot of movie left. But I’m really stickin with this one landing its ending and continuing with its streak.

Well, after two people end up dead in a house. And George can no longer deny what it was doing the killing. We’re at the police station and…there are too many background gags to count in this. You have to see it. You SHOULD be seeing it right now in fact. Or before this. Well Franks ex has been alerted to what happened. She’s rushed to see that he’s okay and for the first time in. Well 10 minutes. She tells him he was right. She doubted him and he was right. But she’s not here to patch things up. She just wanted to make sure he’s fine. She agrees to take care of their son Theo and let him handle this.  Of all things That can only push us toward another jaws scene. The hospital scene after the shark ate a fisherman and the mayor was in shock.

Frank grabs hold of George and leads him down a hallway. Informing him they have to do something now. He’s got someone he can contact. Someone who knows how to deal with this situation and he’ll get him to help. George shakily nods and tells him to do whatever he needs to do, and the two part. He even has the papers on the House Shark expert folded up and pushed into George like the damn Sheriff did in Jaws with the papers needed to hire Quint. Nice.

BUT NOTHING IS NICE! No!

While Frank readies to bring the boom to his house shark. George is getting another reaming from Reagan. He still wants that house sold. Especially with the real estate market being as low as it is! But George tells him he believes what he saw. House Shark is real!

Well fortunately, or unfortunately. Reagan has a plan for this. He’s bringing in his TOP home inspector.

Darth Squanto.

He is literally a native American man. Wearing a sith hood, and black armor.

They are not backing down from any of these jokes and. It’s kinda great.

But don’t under estimate his powers. Or mock his outfit. It’s pretty amazing.

Frank makes the mistake of asking him what he can do exactly. So he gets a force backhanded slap. And then tossed around the yard. Aaaand then force choked for good measure., A bit of a way to for George to knock out the setup with “his people are vert sensitive.”

But none of that can bring to words. What scene is coming. As Frank and George ready to enter the house with Darth Squanto. Who prepared himself with a toy hatchet, bow and arrow, and Billy’s machete from Predator. We gotta fit in one more Jaws scene.

As the trio ready to enter the house. A gang of little kids ride up on their bikes. Frank goes off to ask them what the hell they’re doing there. A little girl walks up to him asking if he’s Frank. He says yes and. She swiftly kicks him in the balls.

We are doing the Mama Kintner scene.

As he rolls around cradling his groin she delivers her version of the speech and it’s just wonderful.

Girl “John and Dolly were my parents.”

Frank “I didn’t think they had kids.”

Girl “Well,they didn’t. They were going to adopt me. I heard there was a shark attack in this house. And you did nothing. Nothing. And now it’s back to the high kill adoption shelter for me. You dick.”

He weakly apologizes to her, and she kicks him in the ribs.

Well enough of that! It’s time to get to business! The time of sharkening! These mighty warrior are going to match wits and strength with the shark. At least Darth Squanto is.

Or was. He’s dead now.

Yeah! That’s right! Dude enters the house, and immediately gets eaten. And our duo of Frank and George are once again sprayed in the faces with blood.  The movie is relentless with the blood spray.

Another weird thing these guys do in their movie. It’s just a quick fun thing. Is at random moments of the movie. Frank tweets about what’s happening. He tweeted when his ex came by in the beginning. Tweeted about preparing to fight the shark. And now with Darh Squanto gone. He tweeted a sad face and “Lost a good friend today” with an attached picture of himself getting a full back Darth Squanto memorial tattoo.

They’re little quick gags. And they’re great.

This reminds me more and more of something my cousin and I would’ve rented from Hollywood video on a weekend. We used to rent just the weirdest dumbest crap, to veg out, laugh at and eat left overs as we did. Was good times and was how I came to find things like Orgazmo, Cannibal the Musical, and Sargent Kabukiman NYPD.

I love that shit, and this would’ve fit right in as a legit find.

Well Reagan’s specialist sith failed. So now he’s worried. Whatever will he do. Well. He’s visited now, and FINALLY by the man who’s beard and hair is so horrid he looks like a man transitioning to full goat. Abraham.

Abraham, who talks like Nixon, but looks like a drunk Great Value Abraham Lincoln.

“Finally crawled out of that ditch of vaginas and vodka you’ve been living in on the edge of town I see.”

This man. Abraham. A drunk from a whore house. Abraham Lincoln bearded. Nixon sounding. Poorly dressed man with his fly down and shirt tail sticking out of it. Is our Quint.

God help us.

But we are missing someone. We need our Richard Dreyfuss character. George is our mayor so he can’t fit that roll.

Well as it’s no surprise, or maybe it is. We have him now. Our shark expert. From the institute. Zachary. Zachary Valor.

This man. If Abraham was a bit over the top. Beet the tip of the top. Zachary is a german young man dressed in lederhosen.

The two begin looking around the outside of the house, talking about land death facts, That more people die from vending machine accidents than shark attacks. Their shared fear of the ocean after having seen Jaws.

It’s our night on the boat scene from Jaws, and just like that scene. Frank eats a sandwich and tries talking like Brody did with his mouth full. And just like that scene. Zachary finds a shark tooth embedded in the window frame of the house.

However we don’t get a severed head jump scare. We get something far more…grand, twisted, and fun.

Rolling into frame and leaning against the window, we get Johns torn up face and corpse. Which mildly surprises the men. What surprises them more so however. Is what they find. On his finger.

Yes. It’s an anus. With his fingertip through it. Frank leans in and sniffs at it. “It smells like…flowers and honey.”

What the fuck.

To add to this. When they confirm it’s not his own anus on the finger. Zachary has to ask the followup. How did it get on his finger? Which. For some reason? Frank decides. He needs to answer him “I don’t know.” With the most longing, sensual stare at the side of Zachary’s face, and even a playful nudge of his lips toward his ear.

You know what? Good for you. Movie.

Well Zachary thankfully didn’t drop the tooth in fear. He just  casually mentions to Frank who ask to see the tooth. That he dropped it inside the house. For no reason.

Confusing Frank, but it’s no big deal. The two move on and to a bar for relaxing drinks and bonding.

A bar is also the one place they will run into Abraham.

Which they do!

We are steadily and surely moving this big lug of a film along. 50 minutes in and we still got another 100 to go. I keep mentioning it, because it needs to be said. It hasn’t lost steam and it’s actually pulling through the run time. No small feat for a B novie comedy.

So our wonder twins become a wonder trio with the introduction of Abraham to Frank and Zachary. We also get Abrahams backstory as to how exactly he fits into all this and would serve to help them deal with the House Shark.

It appears that Abraham had a run in with this house shark over 10 years ago. The house shark bit off both his arms and legs. Which he still has.

Because he was able to stitch them all back on. Which seems improbable. But we won’t question him.

SO he ask for 10 grand to work with them and kill the house shark.

But Frank is broke.

So Abraham will do it for 100 bucks

Frank is dead broke, he can’t even afford the drinks he’s having.

So Abraham will do it for free.

But no. Frank now wants Abraham to pay HIM 10 grand!

Abraham won’t have it!

Frank tells him take it our leave it. So Abraham takes it. Because he really wants to kill that shark. So 10k, pluss meals and drinks. And our adventure begins.

At long last.

Our trio make it to the home. The murder playground of the house shark.

But they wisely decide to wait until they sleep off their drunken state before battling.

Apparently Abraham is an early morning kinda guy, even after a heavy night of drinking. He’s well practiced. He makes up some coffee, which turns out to be hideous, and pours out the rest of the boiling water he made onto Zachary and Frank as they sleep in the tent. Scorching them but no less still waking them up.

It works effectively. But now our two heroes are indeed scared in the face with 3rd degree burns.

They need a plan of attack. They can’t just rush in the house, unless they want to end up like Darh Squanto. So they need a way to lure the shark out.

They can’t go with Franks plans of blowing the house up with nukes, or burning it down. As that might just give the shark a chance to escape it. And start the terror elsewhere. So they need to do battle head on with the shark. Stop it once and for all. But that means going into the house. Into it’s territory.

So they need to make sure it has no way of escaping. Of course House Sharks can only escape through windows and doors. So that obviously means they must have a montage, boarding up the windows and the doors.

Even if it means they just locked themselves out of the house.

We did the jaws montage scene on the boat, prepping for our mission. We seemed to have skipped over the leaving dock scene.

They did not forget this. We’re doing it. Oh we are so doing it.

Franks Ex shows up, worried for him and what he plans to do with his new friends. She thinkgs its suicide and they’re morons. But she tells Frank that she and their son will be waiting for him when he gets back. This surprises and delights a depressed lonely Frank who has long since forgot about his deep oral digging through a tinder dates rabbit hole.

The two makeout heavily and Abraham rightfully calls out that frank stop doodling around with ‘Sponge Bob Ugly face’ and get down to business.

So say we all.

We make way finally into the murder house, and. We must wait now. There is no way to truly lure out the shark, it will come out when it is ready. So patience is the key. Which gives Abraham a nice bath tub to sleep in, which he’s likely accustomed to doing. Frank plants himself near the doorway and Zachary feels sitting by the toilet is a nice spot to get cozy.

I should remind you all, to help better setup the scene. That this is the bathroom where betsy exploded blood and guts all over.

I should also remind you. That this bathroom has not been cleaned since that day. So every person that’s come to see this house, and was unfortunate enough to be inside. Including John and Dolly. Have seen the toilet bowl lined with and flooded with Betsy’s insides and torn muscles. The walls are still marked in blood, the carpet soaked. And all three are gathering here to patiently wait for the shark.

Bless them all.

Especially for what’s to come. Their first joke that goes on and on. But actually worked. Unlike a good deal of Family Guy’s overly long jokes. It’s true. We can admit it now.

Well everyone is dosing off. All but Frank. He’s staring daggers into that bloody toilet seat. He wants to end this shark. He even pulled out his service pistol he used when he was on the force. Zachary being a german from the institute created a laser pistol. Which scared him to hold. And Abraham is packing a crossbow. For reasons.

Well, all this waiting around has filled Frank with the need to relieve himself. So he pops the lid on the toilet and lets loose for a very long pee.

He begins to feel a creeping fear, which prompts him to look off to the hallway. Where he sees the shadow of a large shark head. He begins to slowly in terror turn. Eyes glued to the shape. You can see where this is going.

As he turns. Slowly it becomes clear. He’s about to hiss all over Zachary’s face.  And so he does. And so. He does. Prompting a big what the fuck as a dreaming Zachary smiles and mumbles “Thank you mien Fuhrer.” This film was made in 2017.

Eventually a smiling Zachary wakes up, pissed off from being pissed on. But Frank motioned for him to look. He too see’s the shark shadow. Frank is not only still pissing. He’s arching his piss up into the air. We keep going from the sharks shadow growing closer and closer, to the shocked expressions of Frank and Zachary. And the impressive arch of piss. Even Zachary takes notice and is very humbled and impressed. It. Is still. Going.

But Abraham is awake and will have none of these piss games. Even though he also gets hit by the arch de urine. But he seems used to that. Shouting at Frank to tie it off and the three ready for battle. Their first encounter.

But shark shadows are cast from things not in front of you. But behind.

BEHIND THEM!

The shark pops out from behind them. Much like jaws it’s the first time we see the shark in its full unhinged glory.

This is no cgi shark. It’s not even a rubber hand puppet.

It’s a full blown full size shark puppet. With 4 eyes.

It’s the most beautiful shitty thing I’ve ever seen in one of these movies. In any recent low budget movie.

We now have two top sharks in this months watch a long. Bad CGI shark and their multi skinned cgi shark. And a practical full sized puppet shark.

Now. Where can this crazy ass movie possibly go from here?

We are going into the crazy shark cage idea from Jaws. And. A bonus. We are going into Quints shocking backstory, via Abraham.

So. Shark cage in a house with a shark? No. No there is no shark cage. It’s even better, and more what the fuck.

Zachary has brought. A female shark disguise. It’s a felt shark head. Complete with shark body. It’s a female shark because it has a pink apron. Someone is going to bait themselves as a pretty lady shark. Risking their butthole, while the others ready to take it down. The shark not the butthole. The house shark not the female shark.

Frank is chosen to put on the female shark costume. Why? Because Abraham is paying him 10 grand, so he’ll wear whatever he tells him to wear.

As for dear Abraham’s backstory? It’s a troubled one indeed. One eluded to in fact from the internet research that Frank did earlier in the film about the only other known house shark attack. At the Syracuse Parade of homes, back in ’04.

Now Abraham doesn’t have a tattoo like Quint does for Frank to take notice of and ask about. No. Instead Abraham has a name tag. That he’s never taken off since that fateful Parade of Homes.  So we begin. And I present to you. His backstory.

“Syracuse Parade of Houses. 2004. Biggest home sales event in the Northeast. Hundreds of families touring homes. All across central New York. I was the head realtor for that event. It was a normal day.  Sun shining bright. We were poised to make hundreds of thousands. But I knew something was off that day. Storm clouds on the horizon. Seemed to hover there. Like a storm was brewing. I didn’t get the first hint, that anything was up until about lunchtime. A couple missed their second showing. Another family disappeared on the second floor. I thought they’d slipped out before I could give them the old fashioned hard press, you know? But then I saw my buddy. My co-worker. Tommy Jefferson, he was a young guy. 30’s, but looked like 12 like Mr. Taylor, here. I thought he was sitting, resting in a chair. I put my hand on his shoulder…he fell over. He was bitten in half. After that CHAOS broke out. People were running and screaming. There were blood and guts, balls. Vaginas. Human insides! Half digested clam chowder if you know what I mean. It was everywhere. That’s when I saw him, for the first time.  The house shark. He had the blackest of eyes. Cold and dark. Like a porn stars anus before its bleached. He lunged at me! He bit off both my arms and my legs!, my head. All in three quick moves. I woke up three days later in the hospital, the good doctors had managed to stick me all back together. I’m not sure how many people died that day. Three, four? Maybe none. I don’t know. I never saw the house shark again. That is well, not until today. Came close a few times. Could always since him near. But he managed to allude me. I’ll never sell another house again, Mr. Roosevelt. But I will kill that house shark, if it’s the last thing I do. Life can be terrible, hard. But we push on.  ‘Cause that’s what we do. We’re Americans. We stand together, as family. We fight. God bless you and your family. God bless America.”

If that didn’t make your eyes swell up in red, white, and blue. And cry out an eagle of freedom. I don’t know what to tell you then.

I don’t have to tell you anything.

BECAUSE THE SHARK IS ATTACKING!

Yes we’re not singing a bar shanty. We are going straight into a full fledged shark attack.

Of absolute bizarre what the fucketry.

The only way. Rationally I can visualize this for you. Is to imagine a man. Dressed up as a lady shark. Holding a 9mm pistol. Next to a skinny german man still in lederhosen. Holding a Re-Animator syringe of green fluid. While Abraham fidgets with his crossbow, and at the opposite end of the room, a giant full body size shark puppet menacingly threatens them.

While Zachary screams at Frank to get close to the shark. Present himself and let him mount him, so that he can inject the shark with something to knock it out. Frank is not willing to let that giant shark put even the tip inside him. He refuses to be mounted, or flash his felt shark lady parts.

Thankfully Abraham has his crossbow ready to take out that pesky shark. But the shark has a surprise of its own.

THE SHARK IS PACKING HEAT!!

I am not shitting you. The goddamn puppet shark now has, of all things. A laser gun. Which its fin is holding.

This is insanity topped with whip cream and chaos sitting ontop of. Bare ass ontop of cake.

Abraham dodges out of the way and everyone goes flying as the shark fires off its futuristic side arm.

Seriously. I can handle the crazy perverted shark story and trying to turn the shark on to distract it. But things are getting seriously the fuck out there.

I love it just. Man they are going full blown crazy. Buy the ticket, take the ride. They aren’t slowing it down or letting off one bit. Good on them. We needed this film.

So the shark is able to escape in a hailstorm of laser fire. The men are left sharkless and spirits are down.

But someone has a dirty secret it would seem. During the chaos. Zacharies bag of tricks went flying and spilled out onto the floor. Revealing of all things. A framed picture of him smiling beside a tiny fish bowl. With the house shark.

So now it’s time to interrogate Zachary. He’s got some explaining to do.

It turns out Zachary was a scientist for a private lab. When he was a teenager. He had some left over plutonium, only this was no ordinary Plutonium. It was highly weaponized. They were testing it on animals. It gave them advanced knowledge and the power of transmutation. As well as melee combat and hand to hand combat. It didn’t really work. But he was still using it, trying to fix it so he could turn himself into a real life spiderman. And score with babes. But something went wrong. There was an explosion and his shark became exposed to the radiation. He didn’t die. Woodrow the shark transformed into the House Shark. It didn’t try to kill him. It was confused and escaped down a kitchen sink.

He loved Woodrow. But he realizes it must be killed after all the death and carnage it has caused.

The most shocking thing of all these facts and stories? Is that Zachary has been faking his accent. He’s not German at all!

So they have a. new plan. Involving some of the plutonium and. NEVERMIND THAT! Abraham as a better plan. Good old fashioned American firepower! As well as putting Zachary in the lady shark costume, and a cage. A shark mounting cage.

Complete with a kissing booth sign

They really want to get that shark laid.

But it STILL isn’t working.

Well. They still have some jaws moments to rip into this crazy train. So why not a shanty!

No they don’t sing THAT shanty. Instead. We get a fitting one for the occasion. Sort of.

We get the weirdest. Sober, sort of trio singing, I want to say The Saucy Sailor.

You have to see it, hear it. Let it sink into your brain. It’s obscure and I love it. I can understand why a dvd would pair this with Bad CGI Sharks.

It’s funny and dumb in the best way, and it works just like the song in Jaws. Angering the shark to make an appearance. Directly behind is caged former owner now dressed as a lady shark. His anus now in true danger. Everyone is in danger actually.

The shark spots Frank and goes directly for him. Chomping away. But Abraham is on a quest. He said he’d kill that shark if it’s the last thing he does. So he calls out for the sharks attention and begins making kissy faces at Zachary in his cage Telling him he has a cute girlfriend and he might just be in love.

Of course this angers the shark! He charges for dear Abraham the living goat man! Abraham fires off his crossbow FINALLY! But to no avail. The shark is on him and hungry for flesh. Will he meet the same end as Quint now? Hell no! He grabs the closest thing to himself to help fend off the shark.

A freeloading dirty squatter, living in the house because no ones lived inside it for months! So Abraham picks the man up and begins…fuck me.

He begins beating the man against the shark. Like a blank of wood.

Until the shark eats him.

These guys are running out of options and the movie. The movie? We are looking at 20 minutes left here folks. This thing is relentless and we’re in the final act.

Well Frank is done with hiding. Guns don’t seem to harm it, Crossbows do nothing, and it doesn’t seem interested in shark booty. For the moment. So how do you take down an intelligent shark with knowledge in both hand to fin, and melee combat?

With Zachary’s futuristic gun that’s how. . Well I mean it was worth a try at least. Frank tries it and. No. It only angered the shark.

The shark is so angry in fact. That it grabs the cage with his lady shark. And takes off down the sink. As Zachary rightfully screams.

Now.

If you thought this movie has gone as far as it can go.

You. Me. And grandma watching us from heaven are all wrong.

No. They do not show us shark sex. Thankfully.

But Zachary is not dead. In fact he is alive. And waking up.

And smothered. Soaked head to toe and felt costume. With shark jizz.

He is not even partially covered. Or just head and face glistening. I mean he is smothered to the point when he makes a fist in vengeful rage promising to get Abraham and Frank for leaving him to the sharks whims. That when he makes a fist a huge hand sized wad of slime squelches out.

By Odens beard, holy hell.

This is a first. Not a proud first. But it’s definitely a first. And my caps off to you movie.

Where else can we possibly go from here.

Well aside a tweet promising revenge on his once cool friends, complete with hashtags #houseshark #revenge. We have another encounter with the shark. But this looks like a final encounter as the shark is not messing around this time. The shark has pulled out its future rifle and ready to take our heroes out.

That is until of all people Reagan arrives and bashes the laser gun to pieces with a bat! He’s beating the hell out of the shark and HE. HE has a plan. What’s his plan? “I’m gonna do what they always do in mutant shark movies. And in the first Men in Black movie.” He pulls out a hand grenade. He’s going to dive into the shark!

Reagan heroically sacrifices himself. Jamming his body down the sharks mouth. Pin pulled on the grenade and BOOM.

….

Yeah he’s dead and the shark has a case of heart burn.

It didn’t work!

This movie doesn’t want to end! It wants to keep going! Maybe the shark will be like Audry 2 in Little Shop of Horrors and end up killing everyone!

But no. We need this to end. All good things come to an end, right? Well mostly. We have one. More. Final. Act. And another final boss. Zachary.

He was serious about his vengeance. He makes an explosive out of the houses water tank. Which explodes and is now. Of all things. Filling the damn house with water.

Holy shit this is going for it.

Now this far nto shark movies. 15 days in fact. We’ve seen good and bad water effects. Like Shark Hunter and their moonwalk while we make it snow debris without water, bad green screen with horrible water effects in Noah’s Shark. And real water in Shark Zone.

What do we get here?

We get Abraham and Frank in life vest. Acting like water is filling up around them. As the lens has a plastic tank filling with water trickles, and fake bubbling water. All layered in front of the camera. Until they both become submerged and. Pull of a beautiful silly effect.

There is no water. They look like they are holding their breath and doing the slow moon gravity walk. With a blue lens effect, bubbling water noises and little dust ball filter. Its actually working. Seriously they even nail the water walking it’s pretty damn fun and looks incredibly decent. Again, well done guys, well done.

So they march to the basement. Cheeks full of air. And they discover Zachary. Its time for mini boss fight! Zachary fights Frank, as Frank fends off a now in its natural habitat shark. They need to drain the water AND stop Zachary. Pluss the shark.

So Frank does his best. Fending off an angry now clean of jizz Zachary. He’s able to remove…the bundled up towel from the floor drain. And in an instant the house is bone dry of water.

Zachary is nowhere to be seen. He took off swimming like a human seahorse.

The shark? Very much alive. Our two men are having to hide in plain sight. From pretending to be a lamp. A table. Even Book shelves. Al while the shark decides to take a nap. A nap that almost kills them. But doesn’t

I know I keep saying it, and even I’m beginning to finally feel it. They need a plan. So this thing can finally, mercifully end.

I love this movie. It’s kept its base. It’s kept the jokes going. But man. Even now it’s getting a bit long in the tooth.

But they want to keep us hanging on so we have another plan.

The plan? Mantis.

Abraham believes. With all his drunken heart. That the sharks natural enemy. In the sea. Is the praying Mantis. Therefor. He must train, to fight like the mantis. Thus killing the shark.

We get a full training montage. Like they decided, hey we still got time. Lets thrown in a ROCKY training montage for funsies. It’s the one section of this movie. That actually did go on a little too long. Did not belong. And began to make it feel like the joke was going on a bit too long and your ready for them to get to the punchline so you can relax and let the 4 beers you pounded settle along with the melted chedder over chips.

He has trained endlessly and is ready to fight the shark.

The shark immediately and without hesitation kills Abraham. But not before Abraham can toss out instructions to Frank on one. Final. Plan.

To shoot him and explode the shark. Because Abraham is more alcohol than he is man now. Which is true nearly every scene before and leading up to this moment. He has been drinking constantly.

So with that, and one final tweet of a sad looking Frank, and Abrahams feet hanging out of the sharks mouth #IDontWantToTalkAboutIT

Frank pulls off the last Jaws riff. Shooting wildly at the shark until he shouts out “Smile you son of a biscuit!” He shoots Abraham in the foot and.

They land one final joke. The biggest yet.

Abraham is so full of booze. That when he blows up. It’s a death star size explosion. Not just the house shark explodes. The house itself explodes.

Not just the house explodes either.

The entire neighborhood explodes.

Not just the neighborhood. The entire world has just suffered a nuclear sized blast as the shark was made from Plutonium and ignited. Causing a nuclear vortex. The sky is a glowing red. Nothing exist any more. Except for Abrahams talking head. And Frank.

But they are excited! They did it! They killed the shark! But at what cost! So as Frank gathers the remains of Abraham, so they can stitch him back together again, and the credits roll.

We get one last mercifully quick ending scene.

A now pregnant Zachary, panting and recreating a scene straight out of Terminator 2 Judgement Day, is panting away delivering the last line from Miles Dyson. “I don’t know. How much longer I can hold this.” And the camera pans down. To show a baby shark pushing through his stomache.

Thee Fucking End.

That was. A very long. Incredibly long low budget shark movie. Actually it wasn’t It was about two hours. Well a bit over.

Look it was long okay. Really. Really long.

But worth it.

They still managed to save the ending. Even if toward that ending it just seemed they couldn’t settle on an ending. So they went for all the endings.

I really enjoyed, and needed this movie. Especially after the last one. This is again the kind of fun you want from a bad shark movie. It was way over the top. Almost too much. But they stuck with it. They didn’t hold out for one giant gag joke and then lower the bar. They just said hell with it and hit the ground running, arms flailing and screaming.

We had a woman get fully naked to take a piss

We had a man die with his girlfriends butthole around his finger

A man. Was covered. In shark jizz

If this were a Troma film I’d understand. It wasn’t. This was another brought to you by SRS.

Yes it was worth diving into and sticking with.

I’m not even hyping or simping for this thing. It just really was that fun. I was just genuinely shocked that the movie. As long as it was. Kept up with its premise and remained funny throughout. Sometimes movies like this can start out as comedy. Then they all usually take that serious turn. Where like Bad CGI Sharks referenced. You have the disagreement and everyone goes their own way. I mean you even had that sort of with Zachary. But they never took themselves seriously. It was full comedy and they knew what they were doing.

The actors were good, they played the parts fine, and delivered the lines straight faced. God knows how many takes they went through for a lot of it. But they did it.

I really was getting worried toward the end there when they just kept going and going. But they saved themselves with the apocalyptic ending. It took a LONG time to get there, like a Family Guy joke. But they got there, and it made up for it.

Very few faults, and a lot of good laughing points. That’s the kind of grading you want for your movie. It’s the perfect get drunk with friends and watch movie. It’s never offensive enough to turn it off or dismiss it. It’s just good tongue in cheek. Or finger in anus. Which smells of flowers and honey.

Seriously a lot of these jokes are gonna stick with me and make me laugh. Thank you for that.

I wont keep you here any longer than I have. I want to end this thing positively. Because there’s not much left to say. It’s a lot of dumb fun. It has some clever moments and good gags. Definitely check it out, and I shall see you all tomorrow. For day 16.