SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 16 Ice Sharks!

Day 16 Ice Sharks

Well, what new fresh hell is this?

We’ve had an avalanche shark, five of them. We’ve had a tortured ghost shark, A shark that kills from homes. A CGI shark. Even corn sharks.

But now we have. Ice sharks?

We also have another Asylum film so. That’s happening.

I read the title and I genuinely was hoping for a moment that we’d get a special shark. Like the avalanche sharks were ice-ish looking, you know? So why not! Would be awesome to see a shark made of snow.

Then again we might end up with a snow shark looking like the snowman from Jack Frost. The one with ice teeth and a carrot for a dick. Not the heart warming family film with Michael Keaton.

But no. We are getting plain old sharks. Busting through the ice and killing people. Which still could be fun. We are certainly ready to find out. I know I am. I’ve watches 15 straight days of this shit, I no longer fear death.

So with that being said, and a fist full of hope. Let’s dive on in to this one.

Ice Sharks

Tagline: Just When you thought it was safe in the Arctic!

Synopsis:  A new breed of aggressive, ravenous sharks cracks the frozen ocean floor of the arctic research station. Devouring all who fall through. As the station sinks into frigid waters, those alive must fashion makeshift weapons or suffer the same fate.

So a ticking ice bomb of sharkitude, in the frozen tundra of the arctic. Let’s do it. I won’t say it can’t be that bad but there’s always that soul shattering possibility.

The director is. Interesting. He’s made a few pictures. Not many but a couple, most notably on my radar. Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark. I did not know the Mega Shark franchise was still going but, there it is.

However the real interesting thing about the director is his career outside of directing. Dude has done visual effects for a lot of big projects including the Battlestar Galactica reboot, the Firefly series and film, The Sharknado films, even one of my favorite assassin films The Jackal.

It’s pretty impressive for visual effects work, and here we are. His vision of sharks in the ice. Well now I’m excited!

I should also note, if you look up the director on IMDB? His photo looks like a man who enjoys a different white powder.

Just sayin.

Well we begin this adventure with snow doggos. I can approve this. A man out with his sled dogs investigating we can only hope his puppies will be safe.

And they are not. Holy shit they’re just eaten right in front of us. Wow. That was. Sudden.

Like super sudden. It was also hilarious.

I held back that this is also a SyFy film. If that doesn’t dash your hopes aside and give you a better idea what to expect with the death that just occurred? OOoh buddy. You are in for a time.

As the sled master is mushing along. His dogs stop suddenly as they reach rather confusingly. A huge break of water instead of more ice to paw around on and run. The dogs are supposed to have been attacked by another leaping shark(What is it with SyFy films and leaping sharks?) but if you watch the dogs. They’re running toward their death. The dogs are heard crying out one after the other. And little silly splotches of blood splatter each time one is devoured. Until finally the sled is pulled away from our sled master. But his foot is tied to the sled so. He’s going right to hunger town. Population chomp chomp.

A shark leaps behind him and he is pulled under water.

Its hilarious, charmingly horrible effects. And the director? He’s also credited with the visual effects. Bless his heart.

Seriously, pulling double duty like that in your own film. That’s something.

We thankfully move away from the sled dog murder scene and onto our research station. Where we are free to roam our guided tour and meet the players of this little shindig in the snow. We have deep diving specialist working on their equipment. Scientist poking at little sea creatures. Guys hopelessly flirting with co-workers. It’s just a regular work place on any given day. But it appears things aren’t as good as they seem. Apparently there’s a faulty sensor out there and they need to investigate it. But he has to be very careful. Not just because the thin ice outside. But there’s a storm heading toward them in 12 hours.

All of these things are adding up for a good reason things will faul apart horrible and strand our researchers in a perfect shark feeding frenzy. Which is a thing I’m surprised no one has said in any of these films yet. Then again we haven’t seen that yet. It’s weird right?

So, we have a Dr. Tracy and her lab partner slash belly warmer David. They are our lead people in charge of this kangaroo station. But below them. And I do mean directly below them as this station looks like two shipping containers stacked on top of each other, Michael the nord controls the dive unit.

Well Tracy is concerned about this sensor. They need all of them working perfectly to send back perfect data to the head of their entire research department to prove…………………………whatever it is they’re hoping to prove.

So local dead meat man, Sammy. Volunteers as tribute to go out into the land of the ice and snow. Throwing himself out there as dead meat for our entertainment. I mean most likely at least.

But before parting, because he’s just that playful of a guy. He tells Tracy and her man partner David to behave themselves while he’s away.

Which gives the impression Sammy has caught them in that science room going ass to mouth or worse. Misusing the equipment. So the moment he’s out the door these two are ready to play doctor scientist.

But before David can hand Tracy the Speculum while she grabs the pineapple. A distress call comes across the radio. It’s another station calling about their missing hunter. Our sled dog massacre team from earlier. They’ve noticed he’s gone missing and not reported in or responded in any way to their calls. Which naturally worries them. Not just for his being missing. But the fact he isn’t the first hunter they’ve recently lost. This is troubling.

Well why contact the love shack? Because they are 30 minutes away from his last reported location, and it’d take the others a full day to try tracking and finding their buddy. So they put away their tools and head out to check on this lost hunter. Which makes little sense as they had Sammy out already and he likely could’ve just gone and checked himself. I mean it’s not like he’s insanely busy or anything. But no. These two are going out there, Hopefully not for snow sex. Trust me it’s not pleasant. At all.

So they head out into the cold. Racing and having a fun time of it. Things are fun when they’re fun.

But that’s short lived as they find no sign of the missing hunter and his dog team. What they find instead is a large red snow patch.

Dr Tracy hugs her stomach and does her best to keep from blowing chunks all over the ice. Which freezes very quickly when you do. That I do know.

Thankfully she doesn’t discover this. She’s able to keep the contents of her stomach under control. As her lab partner David assures her “There’s no cloth, and there’s no bone, it was likely a seal some polar bear ate.”

Well now I’m sad, I love seals. And at the same time I’m shocked theres no furr or harness bits from the dogs. Guess the sharks are very thorough.  It’s funny because one moment she’s ready to explode her stomach out onto the ice and she’s squeamish. The next she’s totally fine and says “I will collect samples. Maybe the seals are eating something, that is causing the bears to act out this way.”

I love the acting talent they all bring into these kind of movies. I really do.

So the two return to their playful nature and begin digging samples from the massive piles of skin tissue, meat, and oh hey shark teeth.

SHARK TEETH!

Not just shark teeth. But preserved shark teeth.

I don’t understand, and haven’t understood. Why it is whenever they pull shark teeth in these films. They’re always yellow and preserved.

But enough about that. We have a true moment of ‘For your consideration’ acting talent.

Tracy is investigating the samples she’s found, and David spots something interesting. A fingernail. A human fingernail no less. Her ice senses are tingling and she senses something wrong. In fact she senses a smell in the air. Ammonia. With that she panics, for reasons. And with all the urgency and pure shock she can muster. She shouts out at the lowest excitement and urgency one can muster, “David, get away from the water. Now.”

It's seriously the funniest thing I’ve heard since the film Trucks. A low budget remake of Maximum Overdrive. There was a scene where this woman was supposed to be hysterical and shaking with fear. But she only had one emotion. No emotion, and she made my entire family break out laughing because she stared blankly at another actor and said, “Scared? I am frightened beyond belief.” She just said it….in the worst way. It’s stayed with me to this day, 20 pluss years ago. Now we have this.

Well she makes it out of there, but David is not so lucky. Unfortunately for him a shark leaps through the ice and snow, whipping him with its tail and sending David flying back and into the water. Not even a foot into it away from the ice. But like a solid 20 yards out.

Immediately he is set upon by sharks. But he is truly lucky as none of them are hungry having still had full bellies from eating sled dogs. They just nudge at him and boop him several times.

Which brings about ANOTHER hilarious scene, as Tracy runs to her snow mobile and pulls from it a spear gun. Which she takes her time to put together, and load up. All while David is screaming for help and his wish to stay very much alive.

It’s hilarious because they want this to come off as tense and edge of your seat. But she is just futzing around with this thing, and the amount of time it takes, as this wasn’t shot to convey speed of any kind. You’d think it was a comedy bit and expect the next shot to show her reading the user manual for putting it together and going over what safety gear she needs to wear while operating it. So she eventually gets things together and we are good to go! Wait what is she shooting at exactly?

HIM! She’s shooting at David! She’s on the side of the sharks!

No. She missed and is pretending like she wasn’t trying to kill him and simply shot a spear near him, connected to some rope. She shouts at him to hold on and hold on he does, while she readies the snowmobile and pushes that throttle to maximum. He’s being dragged through a LOT of water. Seriously he must’ve drifted out further to sea with how far out he was. A giant shark is taking off after him but he is able to escape in time. Now soaked head to toe, and freezing his very real balls off.

The couple make it back to the research station in record time, and begin telling their adventure time story to the rest of the station. While the men strip down a confused David and they explain he has hypothermia, therefore its extreme cuddle time.

But for now. David is naked and safe, and held by everyone.

If you were hoping for a reasonably priced explanation for just what the hell is going on here. You might just get it.

Well we don’t get much of an explanation. But we do however discover. These sharks? Are not from Kansas. They are trapped 200 million year old sharks. From Greenland.

They explain this by saying that the high stink of ammonia from the water and off of the shark, is similar to sharks from Greenland as they tend to have a piss scent to them because of the alkaline levels in the water.

Interesting yes. But I call bullshit. But 200 million year old sharks is. Well sure why not.

Meanwhile we have Sammy on his winter wonderland adventure. We haven’t forgotten about him. But more surprising is that he’s alive out there. Good for him.

Unlike everyone else. He’s out there doing science work.  He actually reached his destination, and discovers that the sensor isn’t malfunctioning. It is in fact. Working rather well.

The ice however. Is very thin. Thin enough to cause him concern. Thin enough as well, to notice a shark under its surface. But just as quickly as he notices this, his radio begins crackling and Tracy is shouting at him to perform radio check. It’s no good though as Sammy is too busy. He’s dealing with thin ice and now. Now he’s dealing with a shark!

A shark has breached the ice and is chomping menacingly at Sammy. Now. Sammy was too far away from the shark to have been bitten. But somehow. Sammy’s leg is deeply injured. We have no idea how. But his leg is suffering a pretty serious laceration.

To say this scene is funny and silly, is a lie. It’s hysterical. But it’s also a bit accurate.Shark wise.

On the one hand we have a large what looks like bull shark now on its belly flopping around chomping away. Its eyes are rolled back which is typical when a shark is attacking. So it’s a nice detail to catch. Unless these sharks are so prehistoric their eyes are just special like that. It gets funnier the longer the scene goes on for though. As Sammy begins trying to back away very quickly on the ice. The shark is so heavy it’s cracking more ice underneath it. Creating a sort of domino effect of danger. Sammy is having to rush with a bleeding leg to scurry off away from the shark as well as away from the freezing water.

Thankfully nature is on Sammy’s side. As the ice breaks under chonky shark and the shark splashes down into the icy water. So Sammy is safe from being devoured. However, and this is even more sadly hilarious. This film really has a thing for the pulling your leg gag. We had the dog sled man dragged to his death because his leg was tied to the sled. This time Sammy’s leg has a rope around it securing his science gear to him. Well that line falls in the water. The shark yanks on it and. Sammy is still on the snow. The shark performed its version of the “I shall now remove the table cloth. But not the vase of flowers!” trick. Only this trick was “I shall now remove this mans leg, but not his body.”

And the shark succeeds! Bravo!

Though sadly for Sammy. His leg is now property of the sharks likely under the water playing keep away. Sammy begins trying to fashion a tourniquet out of his belt for his fleshy meaty stump of a leg. Which honestly the effects on are pretty spot on. It’s not gory. But…sloppy looking. Like the meat is very slick and smooth. Not torn and bloody. It’s a weird look, but it works. Fortunately he’s able to get a belt around the stump, in an attempt to stop the bleeding. However. Sammy unfortunately is too late, and he slowly falls back. Having died of blood loss. In the frozen harsh tundra of the arctic.

Dicks out for Sammy.

Meanwhile. At our heroes base camp, the research station. They are still trying to get ahold of Sammy. But are not able to, for reasons. It’s kind of funny because Tracy is doing her best to brow beat Sammy into answering the damn radio. Reminding him he has to perform radio checks. But he’s kind of dead so no luck. So after she tries and lands in frustration. A nord man walks up to the radio, believing his voice shall call home the attention of his beloved Sammy. He tried, even directly naming himself and calling out to Sammy. These two must have had a seriously close relationship. I mean seriously. To step up and decide “He won’t answer to you girly. But he WILL answer to me.” That’s just…

I mean this is not like Rambo hiding in a woods mending his wounds while a sheriff tries using a radio to contact him, only to have Colonel Trautman get a response out of him. Though that too would’ve been a welcome moment.

So everyone has given up and assumes the worst for dear Sam. But they are still going to try and send help. Maybe his radio fell off. Maybe sharks captured him and forced him to wear a girl shark costume. So Eddie, another cremate is headed out to get on a snow mobile and head out there. Only he isn’t going anywhere. The moment he steps outside, a shark fin pierces the ice and begins cutting through it. Obviously this is a Russian ice cutter shark, as its fin is as strong as the steel used on most Russian ships that break through the ice.

Seriously a damn sharks fin is strong enough to pierce the ice and create a mote around the man. But not thin enough to cause anyone let alone their outside equipment to fall through the ice? It’s weird man.

The crew inside watch helplessly as their friend is incircled by sharks and even more fins pop up, circling. But it isn’t just Eddie they’re circling. The sharks have begun circling a wide birth around the science station itself. Severing it from the larger ice block of safety.

Eddie can’t take it and decides he must get on one of the snow mobiles and race for freedom. But it’s not turning over. Our brave Nordic warrior Michael races outside, shouting at him to get off the thing. But he can’t hear him, or doesn’t care. And a shark leaps from the water, as sharks do apparently. And takes down Eddie and the snow mobile.

The nord is not going to cry in front of his friends. But he is close to doing so.

He’s not a nord, the guy just has a generic Skyrim nord face.

So what can we do? Good question. Our science team is drifting off and land is becoming scarce as the sharks are causing more of the ice to melt with their swimming and ice cutting. Or global warming is actually a thing and we’re all doomed. Doooooomed

Well maybe not yet.

David has an idea. A really. Really stupid idea.

Now there are two idea trains we can board here.

First. We have an idea offered by one of the crew, her name is Val. Val suggest that. They have emergency rubber rafts. They could use those to get across to larger frozen mass, with equipment and try to radio for help.

Or there’s David’s Idea of. Taking blowtorches and propane containers to create depth charges and blow things up.

Well because this is America, land of democracy and fairness the team vote, FUCK YOUR RAFTS! LET’S BLOW SHIT UP!!! AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

I mean granted rubber rafts, with sharks who can cut through snow. Sure it could be a death trap. But blowing shit up when you can’t see what your blowing up, risking blowing up your stations own foundation? I mean, come on!

But no. Now is the time for blowing shit up. So they create a home made depth charge. However these fine people are scientist. So this means they need to test out their newly created explosive. They need to find out how long they have before each one will explode to know they can reach safe distance from the explosion. So its time to do science and test one of these depth charges.

They’re going to test blow shit up under water.

Science is so fucking cool.

So they launch this bomb into the water. The animation of which is appropriately silly, as is the sharks. It explodes and. Shockwaves ripple throughout. So many shockwaves in fact, that it disrupts the station. They lose their long rage radio tower. There goes communication. The crew also does their best Star Trek bridge attack impressions as the camera is tilted and shaken while the station is rocked. Yes it is appropriately hilarious.

So. On the pluss side, the device exploded. So that checks off. But it did take out any chance they have at communicating for help. As well as disrupted the melting foundation of their station. So not a good all around test. But it was still cool. Blowing shit up.

But did they kill any sharks?

No. They only startled them. And hopefully pissed them off.

We do learn something important, but sad. The reason Mr Nord was so concerned for dear Sammy. Wasn’t that the two had a completely fine and acceptable love affair. But because the two are brothers. Not as fun, but we’ll take it.

So with nothing to do but wallow in failure. The team is left to. Wallow in their failure. But Val. Sweet Val has another idea. Will they listen this time? Maybe?

What idea does she have? An actually good and practical idea. Which DOESN’T involve blowing shit up!

She mentions that perhaps they can use one of their little deep sea exploration devices as an anchor to prevent them from drifting further out to see. Especially with a storm coming that could know them over if they get too far out. Brilliant! So they just need to secure a metal line to the little remote sea drone, send it down and wrap it around some coral then boom. They’re anchored. Easy enough.

Or

IS.

IT!

Yes it is. They work together quickly. Securing the  line to the drone, Michael is working on the drone along side Alex. They send little bubbler the drone out to save their collective butts. It’s a nice sequence where we get some cool underwater exploration scenes and lots, upon lots of seaweed shots. Drawing us to the coral at long last, and oh hey look! It’s Sammy’s Leg! They found Sammy! A victory for the recovery of Sammy’s leg. A soul shattering gut punching horror for Michael seeing his brothers severed leg. Even the sharks don’t find his brother appealing. Oof!

The scene isn’t going to let us linger too long on this dramatic moment of horror as suddenly the drone feed is cut! Yes if you guessed sending something on a line into the water. Given every time a line has been dropped in the water the sharks drag that line off, of course they’d drag off this line too. You guessed correct!

A shark is taking off with that drone at high speed causing the metal wire to unspool quickly, causing smoke and the possibility it could snap at any momeny.

So why.

In the name of Zuess’s butthole! Would Val think to herself. Hey. I should leave the safety of the monitor and go stand by the metal line. Which bare hands would get shredded into ribbons if I touched.

No she doesn’t touch the lines.

Because a goddamn shark leaps out of the water. AGAIN! With the leaping sharks! And Val is no more. She is resting at the bottom of the sea.

What’s even worse, or funnier depends what team your on. The science station for no apparent reason. Is now in absolute danger as the ice around it has broken off into three large sections. This puppy is sinking ladies and gentlemen.

Which yes it is hilarious. Really fucking hilarious for a multutide of reasons we are going to absolutely go over.

For one. They were already floating out at sea. In a station that has an open pool for them to dive from and send their drones through. So yes a shark is going to attack through it. Yes it’s a source for water to flood. But it doesn’t happen until the script needed it to happen and that meant separating three chunks of ice to begin the sinking.

As soon as the ice chunks tare free. Tracy and David immediately begin doing what they should’ve been doing even before the explosion. Making radio distress calls for help.

These jackasses are only now attempting to make emergency calls. Fully knowing they have no radio tower.  Seriously?!

Meanwhile Michael and Alex are in a room quickly flooding. So the two are….going to start firing at containers to trigger an explosion. Inside the station.

These two scientist. Are firing guns. To attempt an explosion. Inside their own floating source of sinking safety. Yolo bitches!

Well it’s not over yet. As the shooting fails. They move to their next useless but points for creativity plan. They decide to move ontop of some waterproof cases that are floating. And turn on power to the room as there is exposed wiring. It will surely electrocute the sharks.

Only it doesn’t? Really? It sparks but. We see no sharks fry. So they turn it off. Declare that a moral victory and finally escape the room to head upstairs after sealing it off. Doing their best to keep water from entering the top floor.

Which is good because now ALL the ice is gone and they are sinking fully now.

If you aren’t on the edge of your seat crapping yourself with excitement. Well that’s perfectly fine. This is an Asylum film made for SyFy.

This turkey is sinking folks. It’s going to sink 90 feet down and crash on the sea floor.

Which looks glorious. Truly glorious.

It’s at this point the movie decides to turn itself into the second half of Das Boot. Complete with emergency lights. As the station lands on the seabed. It becomes an actual factual submarine. Somehow. I really, really won’t question it. But it is playing out scenes from Das Boot as one of their pips soon burst and they work quickly to begin repairing this ruptured line. With actual tools and repair parts meant to stop pipes from leaking…

Well thankfully they stop the leak, so job well done. But now they have a more pressing issue. This station, believe it or not. Was meant to withstand all weather conditions. Harsh or otherwise. But it was not however meant to be submerged. Imagine that. So this means they have roughly one day worth of air. I won’t question that, nor should you. They’re scientist. If you are going to be trapped at the bottom of the sea. You want to do so with scientist.

So they have to quickly decide. What do! Well they have dive equipment. Which is now underwater unless they brought it with them before the downstairs flooded. It is only 90 feet from the surface. So it’s possible. But they also could end up shark food too. Their rate of survival is not looking good. But Alex is full of hope and would rather try surviving out there, versus dying inside there. This prompts Tracy to say a line meant for the films trailer, “They didn’t take long picking us off in our environment. How long do you think we’ll last in theirs?”. I mean its silly. But its still a fun line.

But Alex has a really good point. She mentions they have emergency floatation equipment. When deployed it could have them at the surface in seconds.

I mean that’s something right? It’s the same as using an oxygen tank like an air rocket to shoot up to the surface. Other shark movies have done it. So why not?

Well apparently no one gives a rats ass about her idea. Congrats Alex. You are now our new Val.

But hey! Someone else NOT Alex has an idea! Michael is back in the land of reality and steps up with a mans idea. Batteries! If they can crank the batteries in the area flooded with water. They could potentially deflood the room. Which if they do? Then they just might be able to both stabilize the station AND get the radios to work.

90 feet under water.

With no long range antenna. With no antenna.

This is the idea they’re going with.

I don’t get why they are so against these ideas in favor of the crazy ones but. There we have it.

To add insult to injury. And I do mean a balls in your face insult. Tracy adds “Does anyone have a better idea?” And its decided they’re doing this.

Really bitch? Really?

Fuck it sure why not, yolo.

I’m not hating this movie. I kinda like its silliness. But it is absolutely funny that they really are being this way. The movie isn’t being played as a comedy either. Unintentionally funny shit just happens. Even sending Michael out is hugrly hilarious. But I give them credit. They actually do have some for real under water scenes. Like a lot of stuff was filmed under water. And some of the shots with the sharks don’t look so bad. But the moment we go back to the cgi station and cgi sharks it looks appropriately terrible.

Well surprisingly Michael lives and. His battery plan works. A crushing defeat for Alex and the faith her crew has in her ideas. A victory dedicated to Sammy by his brother.

But the radios shockingly don’t work. So what now?

They need.

Another idea.

Now. Get ready for this.

Because Alex sure as fuck is not going to be ready for this shit. But she is because the movie needs her to be on board.

Remember Alex’s idea that they could use a device to shoot themselves up in seconds and get to the surface? The idea they ignored?

David has, an idea.

“What if we use the BC, and use it to send a device to float at the surface, boosting our radio signal?”

Michael is hard as diamonds at the idea of this, and he’s on board. As is everyone else.  So why is this okay to stay in the death trap and use this potentially life saving device to escape okay when someone else mentions it, for a radio boost? But she mentiones it to save their asses and no one says anything?

WELL we are going forward with it!

Michael is back outside in the water and sending the device up to the surface. The sharks care nothing for this device. I mean what could go wrong right? Not like the sharks have a history of grabbing onto things on lines and taking off with them right?

To quote Michael. EVERYTHING IS BAD!

The sharks SURPRISINGLY took off with the device secured to a line! Oh the horrors! Who would have guessed such a thing could happen.

Yeah. So Anyway!

There is hope on the way. Quickly approaching. Which is good as we’re 20 minutes from the finish.

Which is really surprising, and not really in a good or bad way. Just. Really surprising because. Well we’ll get into it soon.

So the hope that is coming? There is an icebreaker ship headed for them. They’re a few miles out but they will be there soon enough to rescue them. Since they cleared out the one room and have a way to actually get out. This means there’s a way to rescue them. So the ship is sending a rescue helicopter. We can only hope the sharks won’t keep leaping out of the water like they had been and end up taking out the helicopter.

I’m not taking bets but.

Bets are available.

So how will they rescue them? Only the best way possible.

The helicopter is going to release. A cable. Into the water. They just need to secure the cable to the top of the station, and then they can lift them up. Just so long as the sharks don’t kill Michael, or go for the cable like they have every other cable.

Place your bets people.

Now. If you need something to help with your bet decision? Try this. The cable. Which is going to be secure to them. And lift a few tons of steel surrounded by water. Is secured to a metal bar thinner than your pinky.

To give you an idea how well this will work? I’ll share an adventure in my stupidity at a very young age.

I decided in my youthful twenties. I wanted to take an old refridgerator and convert it into a keg fridge. So I purchased an old, hunk of steel fridge. The men loaded it up onto the back of the truck and we headed home. My dad wasn’t there yet to help me unload it. I was in a bit of a rush and thinking. I. A manly man. Should be able to remove this heavy solid old fridge from the back of a truck. So. With the help of an ex girlfriend. I got onto the back of the truck. With a dolly. I informed my girlfriend. “Hey. Just grab onto the bottom of the fridge okay? I will slowly bring it to the edge. You grab hold and if its too much? I will pull it back and we will wait okay?” Her response of “uuuuuh” was not inspiring.

So I wheeled this fridge to the edge. It felt easy enough, and light enough. She finally told me she feels its too heavy for her so she didn’t know about holding it. I told her I don’t want her getting hurt! So step away and I will lower the fridge down. Gently like a baby. Using my own strength.

She moved 20 feet away.

I began my magicians trick of slowly getting the fridge to the edge of the truck bed, and finally pushed the wheels off the bed.

Within split seconds. I successfully recreated a scene only repeated in WB cartoons. Involving a coyote falling while holding a heavy object. I was propelled forward as this thing slammed down to the ground. My chest slammed into the fridge. My jaw and cheek as well. It was not a bright moment of intelligence in my life at that point. But I did succeed in getting the fridge off the truck, as well as a quick flash of my life before my eyes.

That is this situation for them.

Do they secure the lines to the station? Absolutely.

Does it work and begin lifting them? Darn tootin it does, and they are on the path to safety.

Do sharks attack the line like they have every other goddamn time in this movie? Oh you betcha.

So the sharks snap the line. Causing the station to become unstable. Michael gets tossed back and a shark carries him off to be torn apart. The helicopter of hope crashes into the water and the station slams back down into the sea bed.

They are screwed and god I wish Alex would shout out about how her idea would’ve saved their asses.

We also are greeted to another fun moment in CGI madness. As we continue to play out Das Boot with sharks. We watch the station crash land back to the ground. But David mentions “what happened to the helicopter?”, so we get a pre-rendered scene, where the helicopter crashes into the station. But the station is still sinking in this sequence. So it was something shot out of sequence, which is pretty fun. But still. They’re boned.

And again.

They

Need.

An idea.

Which…I mean god all their ideas are great. As is their scientific logic. I mean honestly this is one for the ages.

So the idea this time. Is the rescue ship should have emergency supplies. It should be able to drop those to them and they just have to go out into the water and collect them. It’ll give them a better chance to survive. Does anyone have. Any better. Ideas?!

So before this. Alex ask David and tracy. “Michael didn’t make it, did he.” They all give grave looks and she knows, he is gone.

But now after hearing this idea, and them needing someone to go out and collect these items of survival. Alex volunteers. Is it because she secretly wants to escape? God I hope so. But no. It’s because, and I quote. “I will go. I need to find out what happened to Michael.”

Really bitch? Really?

The man screamed. On the radio. While he was being mauled by sharks and torn apart. Your work place friends just confirmed for you “He dead!”, but your excuse. For braving the shark waters is. You need to know what happened. Well go find out first hand. I guess!

Does Tracy hug Alex and wish her luck? Fuck no. She hugs David. Fucking David, and tells him she loves him, to come back in one piece.

What in the fuck with these people. Why do they hate Alex?! Why are scientist doctors against ideas?!

So these emergency bundles? Are oxygen tanks. Three to a bundle. So the plan is Alex will go out and collect the bundles. As quickly as she can and secure them to the station. While David uses a flair gun to shoot at the sharks if they come near her.

So far it works. I mean she was able to gather two salvage bags. David is playing an FPS underwater firing off at the sharks. Hell even Alex uses a…hand torch to attack the sharks.

I shouldn’t laugh. No I should. I am. David congratulates Alex on fending off a shark with her little torch. She feels emboldened by this and tells David “Don’t worry! I’ll help fend off these sharks!”
And as she waves her hand torch around. A shark grabs her and she’s dead.

David lets out the most emotionless “Nooooooo….oooooo” in forever.

Now. Somehow. These bundles tanks attached to the station. Of which they only secured two mind you. I repeat 2.

Somehow with these. 2 bundles secured. Immediately after the shocking death of Alex. David mumbles blandly “I will go and activate these units” he does so off screen and. With the power of 2 out of the 4 bundles. All four corners of the station are being lifted upward by 4 air balloons. Using the oxygen tanks.

4 corners

4 packages

2 secured.

Science.

So they station is being lifted out of the water. But we aren’t OUT of the water just yes. Ah ha ha. Ha ha.

Tracy is looking out a window to see what’s going on. She sees a shark coming toward her. Recreating the scene again, from Jaws 3. The shark crashes through and is now chomping at her.

It’s another funny as hell what am I watching scene as the station is lifted to the surface. Secured on a crane by the ship. And hoised in the air. Complete with a shark flapping and flipping outside the thing with his torso inside the window. Snapping at Tracy.

Who begins beating the shark with a ladder until the shark falls out of the station window and lands on the deck.

David and Tracy are alive. They embrace and fight back the urge to work on another idea involving a group scene on the deck of the ship.

But the crew is now gathering around the large prehistoric previously frozen shark. It’s not dead! It begins flopping around and David decides to be an action hero. Doing a flip over the shark and a barrel roll. Grabbing a pistol and shooting an air tank knocking the shark back into the ocean from which it came!

Tracy embraces him, calls him a stupid man, and they kiss hard. As the movie ends not with a bang, but a whimper.

The End.

This movie was 87 minutes. It moved along at lightning speed. Things happened. And it kept moving. That’s not a bad thing. However it just wasn’t that entertaining.

I’m not saying it had to be a laugh riot or another House Shark. It was a decently made low budget thriller. But the action in the film. The setups and scenes. They were just lacking. There was no real build up of suspense or anything. Things just simply happen. Our team doesn’t have much time to react. Because they need to move on to the next thing. It’s a pacing issue and it happens with made for TV movies sometimes.

It was a decent enough story. The premise was fun. You could tell where a real movie could happen here. But it was more of a get there and get out type thing, you know?

Not saying it’s bad. But it does make for a lackluster ride. The acting could’ve been bumped up a bit. We would’ve benefited from more time spent with the crew. Like forming more of a bond between people.

Like we get one quick bit of dialogue between Sammy and Michael. But it doesn’t tell us they’re brothers. Just comes off as two friends ribbing one another. We never knew Alex had a thing for Michael, until she kissed his visor for good luck and tearfully volunteered to go out and find what happened to him.

It’s a matter of giving moments and sequences time to breath. If you give them time to settle and us to take them in. The impact is more easily felt. But when you move from one event to another. Your mind tries to follow along. But its difficult. Not saying we’re dumb for not getting it. But it’s a matter of processing what happened then moving on. You can easily lose your audience if you just keep moving.

It’s why the movie did the whole gag of “We need an idea. Okay. Oh no it failed. Okay we need an idea. Okay we got one. On no it failed! We need another idea.” It comes off unintentionally funny. Because someone we are supposed to care about just died. And your already onto the next setup.

It was an okay movie in the end. It doesn’t really earn a 4 out of 5 as amazon ranks it. More a 3 and a half out of 5 if that. That’s being fair honestly.

Like I said there’s nothing to hate. It wasn’t bad. It was just quick and though things happened. It felt like nothing really did.

You know what? It’s sort of like Star Tours.

Star Tours was, well is a Disney Star Wars Ride. You get into this machine. You strap in, a robot talks to you about preparing to take you on a dream vacation to a planet. A projector plays for you and you leave the station. You begin heading to your destination but then Oh no! The empire has intercepted you! Now you are caught in a battle involving the empire and the rebellion. Oh no a tractor beam has you, what will we do! Oh the rebels took it out, okay lets escape down this twisty turny tunnel in a ship! Oh no we almost died but we didn’t. But we’re not clear yet. Oh no space battle! We’re gonna see a station explode! Hold onto your hats. Ooh we made it! Wasn’t that fun? See you next time”

It’s an indoor seated roller coaster ride where the thing you sit in turns , dips, raises, shakes and rattles. While you see the events play out in front of you. One after the other quickly, like a ride. Then you get off and go back outside. You waited 40 minutes in line for a 5 minute ride.

It’s essentially that. You sit down. Things happen, then another thing, and another, and then you reached the end. Thank you for coming see you next time.

The actors weren’t that involved with their parts. They were just sort of there, the pacing was sonic fast. And if it had been better cast. If the movie maybe let itself breath a little. It would’ve ended up a really solid shark thriller. Even with bad cgi. It still could’ve worked. But in the end. It was just a run of the mill factory made film. Nothing really special.

Just know what your getting into if you go with this one. Stay for the bad acting and laugh at the movie moments. But don’t look for a fun action thriller. You’ll be happier with Shark Killer or Shark Zone.

Until next time chum buddies.