SHARK-A-THON Day 14 Quija Shark!

Day 14 Quija Shark

That is, well. That is a title.

What’s funny though? Is I had the debate of “Does House Shark fit this? Or will it be too sill”, then I come this one and.”Gold Jerry, pure gold” So I’ll allow it.

That likely will be a mistake but. We will see no? It could surprise us as some of these films have in the past. We’re 13 films down at this point so it has that potential. It’s from a familiar group we’ve witnessed in the past. It’s just one of those we already have some expectations. Will they be met, or will they be dashed to the side. Honestly I am hoping for one of those more so over the other. Les us not linger at the edge of the abyss! Let us dive on in! We fear not of death or the end. Bring it on!

Quija Shark

Tagline: Gonna Need A Bigger Board

Synopsis: A group of teenage girls summon an ancient man-eating shark after messing with a spirit board that washes up on the beach. An occult specialist must enter the shark’s realm to rid this world of the deadly spirit ghost once and for all.

If that alone doesn’t tell you what’s coming. You can’t get off the ride now. The bar has secured us all and the ride has begun.

We begin with a trip down memory lane. I mean that figuratively. Not because the movie is beginning by showing us a bunch of images of the devil, evil happening and killer sharks. Not like that was my life as a kid with my library checkouts.

But memory lane in the sense that the music actually sounded like a Leprechaun film soundtrack and it had me both hopeful and disappointed I wasn’t watching Warwick Davis.

What I am watching instead however. Is now a woman who’s either into good music, or a suicide girl hopeful. Neither of these are inherently bad things. Actually there is one bad thing. It’s usually the sign of we made this ourselves. The metal head is wearing a shirt of the bang who did the closing theme for the movie, GOAT. We ALSO see a truly fun low budget key moment. The director and camera man holding a camera filming this, reflected off her car door.

Our lady friend is parked in a parking lot in the woods. Waiting for her friends so they can meet up and go swimming in the woods. I actually had to pause a few times. Not because she stripped down to her bikini. Not because she decided to lay down on a beach towel first on rocky sand. But because the area she was at swimming genuinely looked like this was filmed in Washington. But I believe it was Canada. I just really had to stare off at the distance a while to make sure it wasn’t the Puget Sound.

I mean don’t get me wrong the actress is cute, but I really was kind of hoping this movie was made around the area. I was hopeful because the last movie I saw with this low a budget made in Washington was one I was part of, and the closer we get to removing that stain from our state and my life. The better.

So our lady friend is enjoying less of a swim and more of a squat in the murky brackish water until something pokes at her. No it is not a shark. No it’s not a local pervert. It is however the item of our film. A Quija board. Which appears to have been hand carved onto wooden planks. Possibly from a ship. This would be a cool find for anyone and I’d drag it home as well and put it on a shelf. I would never use it because I honestly do my best to avoid inviting demons into my house. Had enough problems with them in the past.

So after this find she has decided it’s a good time to go pack it in and head home. Also this is because our film is exactly 100 minutes long. Consider this a blessing.

It’s also funny to note. Well this happens with low budget films and it’s kind of funny. We call them honest moments. When you are acting you perform a certain way. You aren’t going to usually react the way you normally would to something. You try to do what you feel an actor/actress would do and run with that. In low budget movies its funny sometimes because you can get honest reactions from people during the movie. Either a smirk before saying a line you laughed at before hand or felt would be hugely funny. Or during car wash scenes where you get playfully hit by water and realize holy fucking jesus tits that water is ice cold so instead of looking playful you freeze up and back away from the water. We get that in this scene where she discovers the board. She immediately tries to jump up and back, and her first instinct. Which rightly makes sense in the real world. Is to immediately grab at and hold her top in a practiced maneuver to make sure her breast don’t pop out of the top. And the director kept it in.

Bravo to you lady. I’m not poking at or perving. I’m just genuinely entertained because of moments like that and I had an ex who was the same way. It’s just fun.

Seriously though this movie is 100 minutes long, and I think if you haven’t figured it out by now? Was made with a $300 budget. In Canadian currency.

We are in for a treat.

Well we met the one lady. Now lets meet the rest. As we cut from the state park now to a suburban neighborhood where our friends are getting out of their cars and preparing for a girls only party and swimming pool jamboree. I say girls only because its explicitly stated there will be none of these penis havers at the party. Which is rewarding news for one of our girls. The one in the glasses. Why is it always the glasses.

If you are hoping for action any time soon. You haven’t been paying attention to films like this.  Usually the first few minutes, especially in concerns to the women you hire. It’s spent trying to be playful, and pervy.

I say this because there is a difference between shooting a girl to make her look attractive, and making it look like Tommy lee filming on his honeymoon. When a film shows you a girl in a bikini lounging. It chooses an angle that best shows off the actress and usually at an angle that’s considered more flattering to her. We also learned this in photography that when photographing women you tend to do so from a bit above as it usually hides things like double chins and wrinkles, things someone might usually otherwise be concerned with. You also can, in filming. Follow the curvature of their frame to show this off as well. It’s done with a certain style.

What you get in some films like this, instead. Is a guy trying to mimic what he thinks is sexy, and instead looks like something filmed by the only guy wearing clothes at a nudist beach. It just doesn’t look flattering or sexy. It just looks pervy. I also feel for the women there may have been single moments they were cool with it, and others they cringed over, for reasons.

These films also ask a lot of their female characters. Like knowing they are attractive and will now have to pretend a middle aged neighbor with a beer belly is the most attractive man on the planet and you’d do anything to get close to them.

Bet your wishing we had our sharks about now right? Incase you were wondering? We are nearly 25 minutes into this film. Yeah. Breath that in pal.

So we have 5 friends, all enjoying a pool party together. We know this as we see them all having fun in a pool. Another of those fun reality moments where it was either incredibly cold or incredibly awkward because while two actresses seem to be having fun playing the most careful game of splashy splashy with each other. Another is hanging out near the ledge of the pool and seems to have become a living part of the pool. She is perfectly frozen in place and looks caught between playing the deadly game of “Is it a fart or something else”, and “Its so fucking cold get this over with.”, later on to show she too is having fun we get a shot of her awkwardly walking in the water trying her best to keep her hair dry. It…well it’s a pool party!

Minus pool noodles, and we only have the one thin raft so. Make the best of it you can. POOL PARTY!

But what you ask, of glasses lady? Well she’s the one chosen to lose herself and create a water geyser in her shorts over the man with a beer belly washing his car. It’s also funny as she’s told to do the ‘sexy hair whip’ and her expression doing so is. Well yes, its fun. Until the director films it in a creepy way.

So as our run time has so far belonged to watching girls in bikinis and filming them in the wild. Having fun and reminding us female features exist. It is time. We begin moving along the story and the reason we are all here. That’s right. The moment has come. The girls have eaten all the hot dogs and they are now ready for festivities. So metal head breaks out the Quija board she uncovered and with no hesitation Because girls are always the ones interested to play with demon summoning devices.  We can finally begin!

So they will keep it simple at first. They go over the basic rules of Quija. Ask simple questions and then escalate them as the session goes on.

First they jokingly ask “Oh spirit of the Quija board, can you tell me please, please, please. Who wrote the book of love?” Her friends immediately slap her and protest “HOW CAN YOU MAKE A MOCKERY OF POWERS YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND AND WHO’S DARK POWERS NOT EVEN A THIMBLE OF YOUR FEEBLE MIND CAN COMPREHEND! WHO ARE YOU TO DO SO!” Actually no, they just tell her to take it seriously.

But the board demon is cool with it and answers. No.

Well now the ladies are invested. So time to get their shit together and ask the important things! Which is “Spirit of the Quija board, are you a good spirit?”, Well Glenda, the answer is again. No. Enter foreboding music.

Naturally this makes a few in the group feel uneasy. Which stands to reason when your dealing with spirits in the middle of a sunny day, sitting on the grass in your backyard.  So what next? Well they ask the logical thing. “Spirit of the Quiji board, how did you die!”

Well finally the board has more than just a yes no answer. It begins spelling out its answer which is…

H-U-N-G-R-Y.

Well that’s certainly odd for a spirit. So they ask another. “Spirit of the, whatever. Where are you from?” It answers quickly this time.

H-U-N-G-R-Y.

“Well, this board has a one track mind hahahaha” the girls all laugh and some of us collectively sigh.

I have thus far in my life, made it through without using a Quija board. I’d always thought they were near, I’ve seen some pretty cool and highly over priced ones too. But I’ve never owned one. But I can say with some level of certainty. If you or your friends. Are contacting spirits. Be it through Quija, soundbox, emp, Zak Bagans penis.

If you are contacting spirits, and the first thing it tells you is it is not a good spirit. You’ve done fucked up. You should immediately ask all bad spirits to leave, they are not welcome. Only good spirits are. You light some candles, say some words. Burn some incense and go eat your pizza hut pizza. YOU DON’T CONTINUE TO ENGAGE WITH IT! Evil spirits are not bad boys you can change. Trust me.

To add to this, it continues to talk to them. After saying it was hungry the second time. It adds D-I-E

Again, I make my point to you all. Just don’t.

Well during all this, and the girls now officially being a little spooked in board daylight in the backyard, on the grass, talking to evil things. They could stop. A few even begin withdrawing their hands. But metalhead tells them all. Pushes them even, “Don’t remove your hands! Keep touching it, concentrate!” The centerpiece they al have fingertips on begins circling and with a flash and a whoosh. We get a mostly transparent ghostly visage of our dear familiar friend. The shark hand puppet!

Or evil killer Quija shark if you will.

It’s worth noting, I’m not just picking on metalhead lady for the sake of. She genuinely is the root of evil here and cause of future death. Any time they thought to chicken out of the game, to pull out. She’d stop them and pull them back in, holding them in place with little choice. “Don’t stop! We must keep going!”, Even when being told they will die. She wants to keep going.

SHE EVEN ASK IT WHO WILL DIE FIRST!

If you are trying to get your friends to help you talk to demons. And the demons tell you that they are angry. They will destroy your lives and kill you all. You kindly excuse yourselves. Go to church, get some official blessings done and ask a priest to perform a cleansing and exorcism on your home to protect you. You don’t ask the angry hungry murderous evil ‘So who’s gonna die first” Only a mad person does this. The same kind of person who hears a house groan out and shriek you will DIE! And says “I wish you would.”

She has doomed her friends, doomed herself, and now all the girls can say the only joy that had the last day of their lives was swimming in cold chlorinated water, and eating hot dogs.

Which I mean, that’s not really entirely bad but. OF COURSE IT’S BAD!! DEATH!!

DEEEAATH!!

Well actually no. We’re pretty fine for now. Which is surprising given our run time. But the girls pack it in and try to forget about summing the spirit of an evil entity shark and enjoy themselves. Which we do not get to see. We instead rush toward sleepy time. Where metalhead is having a nightmare. Or had one. Which we also don’t get to see. She just makes a few faces then wakes up. Calling her dad. Who I kinda love for his role in this. His lines are, something else. She calls him, concerned with the nightmare she’d just had. As she tells him she had a bad dream, his answer is “Dreams can be a doorway, to the unconscious mind. Tell me about t.”, I recall my own parents saying similar when I mention dreams I have. Heck I say the same when people like my sister mention having a weird or bad dream.

She proceeds to tell him about her dream and the discovery of the Quija board. “You know what I’ve told you before about messing with the occult.”

As often my parents would say as well before sending me off to friends houses for sleepovers.

Well he concludes that he will have to research these things, especially things like a quija board giving you visions of a shark. A quija shaking and moving on its own. So for now. Chill out, relax. Don’t worry about it. So she won’t. For now.

The movie then introduces us to two of the most unskilled and awkward actors I’ve seen in a hot minute. We have a woman trying her best to over act, and a guy doing the absolute worst awkward boy with a cute girl act I’ve seen since High school helping super awkward friend with a girl they like talk to said girl.

Seriously this isn’t even freshmen college drama bad. This is first year high school bad. And funny.

We are now at a bright sunny day, in the forest park from the previous day. Following two new faces. They come upon a rest area which for the unfamiliar is usually a concrete slab, with a bench and a large roof overhead. They lay a blanket down on the bench seat and the girl sits down awkwardly, the guy joins her, heavily awkwardly. She declares this is the perfect place to catch some rays. She tugs off her top revealing another bikini top for us all. Slaps on her big rim sunglasses and. Proceeds to catch those beautiful…sun rays…while under cover of a large roofed rest area.

Fuck my life.

I really wish they were playing this as a joke. But there’s no humor in this. It’s legit. They are on a bench under a huge ass roof. So she can catch some rays. It’s just. I mean….goddamnit.

The sun is right there!

RIGHT THERE!

6 goddamn feet away from your pale ass and your sitting under shade talking about ‘catching those rays’, even Ray Charles would tell you his ass can’t feel the heat of the sun so you better move your ass into the damn thing. FFS

It’s made all the worse by their acting which even for B movies is horrible, and bad. Horribad. But thankfully it is  short lived. The awkward man boy is awkwardly asking her in the most awkward way while sharing and eating awkward crackers, wanted to ask her something. But he is distracted when he spots a ghost. And the girl looks over and spots a shark.

NOW it’s turned comedy.

Well thank you very much for making a choice movie!

As the two take off, the boy is unfortunately chased by the shark and the girl takes off her own way. She spots the guy she went to prom with and see’s him running for dear life. She says “Oh good, it’s going after him.”, hold for laughter and cut back to the boy running off and hiding behind a tree, catching his breath and hoping the shark doesn’t find him.

Which of course it does, and the shark comically waits behnd him. Playfully nudging him before it attacks him off screen, complete with fake cgi blood spurts.

The girl though, what about our tanning queen? She is now marching through the spooky well lit woods holding a stick and asking politely that the “Sharkghost thingie leave me alone.” Which of course it does not, and takes off after her. Where we get to watch a camera man keep up behind her as the mic picks up her runners breathing while we jog and then for reasons stated earlier by me on the topic of the camera man, we pan down to look at her ass. Before she stops and is killed also by the shark.

We are on a tight schedule people so don’t expect a break any time soon. In fact we’re moving on to our next potential victim.

I lied. It’s our next victim. As stoner girl steps out of her back door and sits by the pool Dipping her legs in exactly what I said before. Incredibly freezing water. She sparks up a joint and starts taking a hit. Already stoned out of her mind. “There’s something you don’t see every day.” She says as we dramatically cut to the horrible visage of a toy shark made up like a jedi ghost, floating over the pool. The girl giggles over this and ask the shark if it would like a hit. Which she offers and the shark seems to accept. She believes the shark is a figment. She ask the shark if it believes it is a figment. The shark ponders its own existence for a hot minute. And then eats her. Mystically. Like the shark moves to eat her and they both vanish into the void. The spirit world.

So we have a summoned shark on a hunger spree. It did say it was hungry and we are now at a body count of three. And almost right at 40 minutes into this film.

But there is worse. Far worse matters at hand. As metalhead and two of her friends wake up hung over and groggy. They discover as their blonde friend puts it, that they have no Brekkie.

There are no steaks in the freezer. No cereal or pancake mix.

No Brekkie.

So off goes our blonde on an adventure to retrieve brekkie for our group, while metalhead and friend stay behind to clear the table and clean up the party mess.

Meanwhile we return to the star of our show. Google dad. Metalheads father said he would research things from her dream, and he wasn’t shitting her. He actually pulled out the google machine on his laptop and he even has some boks. Which oddly enough features some of the artwork from our opening credits. I actually like the scene only because he has the single best line worth screenshotting. “Why would anyone want to summon a shark?”, bitch me too. After all these movies, and now this one. Who seriously would want to summon a shark.

In this case his dumbass daughter did. She summoned it. Its all her fault.

Another reason to absolutely love this scene? Is the dad goes from researching online about sharks having great survival abilities and spiritual powers. To pulling out a tarot card deck to do a reading and help him determine the danger factor at play. These tarot cards. Were printed on a home printer.

I am not joking.

These are not full sized tarot cards. They are white card stock on one side, and near empty printer ink images on the other. Tarot decks are between 20-40 bucks usually, and go higher depending the type and art involved. So, squeeze every penny. But the main take away is we have a summoned quija shark.

And so now people must pay. With their tasty lives.

Speaking of  back to the danger. We follow blonde friend for a while. Who genuinely is at risk here. She’s blonde and in a horror film. This means she is doomed. But so far not that doomed. I mean she somehow ended up walking through the state park, like everyone else in this movie because apparently state parks are best for walking from a house to the store? Well she locates the Quiji board out in the woods, even asking the logical question of. What is this doing here? She then ALSO wisely decides to leave the board there to rot in hell. Because she knows a cursed shark board is best left in the woods.

The film is now getting a touch of the wild side. We are closing in on 45 minutes of 100 minute run time and they want to introduce more characters?! Brave move movie. I don’t know what your plan is but. Brave move.

We’re now introduced to the mother of sun ray catching girl, and police officer man. He’s busy giving a ticket to a jeep left parked at the state park when her mom comes over and makes a missing persons report with him. Her daughter’s been missing for all of one day. Which is odd. Considering she died the day after the party. Which is the day we are still on. But this constitutes having gone missing all day? Fuck it lets go with it.

So he tells her he’s all over it. He even calls up his deputy. Deputy dipshit whos drinking on his lunch break at a bar and informs him he needs to do some actual police work, or else.

Well the deputy agrees, makes a flat joke about only coming to the bar to stare at the bartenders ass and breast. Then waddles away from the bar grinning, and even looking at the camera man before the scene ends. Why they left that in I will not bother to ask. It’s there, for all of us to enjoy. This is also not the directors first, or only film. Quick and dirty is the key people.

The law abiding deputy is on his way out the staircase to whatever work it is he had planned. When he decides the hallway is as good a place as any to stop and take a piss. Well Quiji shark decides that’s not cool so he gets chomped down on. We introduce people just to murder them.

Speaking of murder. Back to our endangered blonde in the woods. During our break in the film. She made a stop at the grocery store and picked up brekkies. She’s still in the goddamn woods, walking back now. She also just for the sake of saying. Was going back to the home, in the woods, down the same exact paved path she walked the first time when leaving the house.

They had this actress walk down the path to show her leaving the house.

Then filmed it again right after, but this time while holding a bag of food.

Quick and dirty people. That’s the film we’re making. Every frame is used, nothing wasted.

She unfortunately has been spotted by Mr. Quija shark, who is hovering happily in the woods, after having visited the bar. And now is dead set on killing her. So a chase begins and surely enough, sadly enough. Jen the blonde is dead. Chomped down in her prime after finally getting brekkies.

No brekkies for anyone today. No brekkies ever.

It feels like we could use something to laugh at, yeah? Something to lighten the mood up and make this experience feel not incredibly soul sucking? Well who else better suited for the job than mystic master Dad. And oh boy does he have news for us all.

After dad has finished his googling research. Which was still hilarious. He’s decided its time to help his daughter further, as well as drop in some backstory as well.

I will include not only their backstory. But the entirety of Google dads conversation. For the sake of entertainment.

“You need to find out who that board belonged too. I believe they’ve used it to entrap an animal spirit. Find that board, I am going to consult a medium. I’ll let you know if I learn more.” Metalhead daughter worriedly tells him she still has no idea who the original owner is let alone how to find out, bringing us her families backstory, “Jill, you’ve denied it for years. But your family has a history with the occult. That’s probably why the board was drawn to you in the first place. That same connection will help you find the owner.”

This movie is….something else. I kinda like it. But it’s just. So. Yeah.

So now Jill the metalhead has a task, and has to come to terms with her families passed with the occult. And oh hey would you look at that there’s a floating arm in the pool. Her friend notices this and, for some reason decides she should reach into the pool for the arm. Of course she has to die. Which she does. Vanishing like the other friend. So Jill takes off at full force out of the yard and out down the road. Running into glasses girl. Who is still dressed like her firned, in the same outside as earlier. Because it was all filmed the same day. So Tiffany never made it back to the party with her friends. She actually spent the entire day with the beer belly guy.  We know this because as Jill runs by the front of the house, her friend with the glasses was still outside by the front gate hanging out like “Hey whats up did I miss anything?” Jill grabs her arm and takes off running with her.

The two take off for. You guessed it. The park. Running through the woods evading the floating shark. Which they mostly do, successfully. Until glasses girls phone rings. Likely from beer belly guy wanting to know where his brekkie was.

This. Somehow. Causes glasses girl to slip and fall. And tell Jill to continue without her. That she’ll meet her back at the car.

Which unfortunately is not true. She is going to die. And does die. Pour one out for glasses girl.

Now because she was promised it, and told she’d look badass when they did it. Jill the metalhead is going to have a hot topics presents badass transformation.

She made it to her car and opens the trunk. Inside the trunk is her black leather gear. As the music shifts to let us know this is her moment of transformation. She slips into black pants. Zips up her black leather boots complete with zippers, slaps on her black leather jacket, and polls out a shotgun which totally doesn’t belong to the director, and cocks it. It is now declared officially. Game on.

God help us all.

So she takes off into the woods, now armed and feeling protected by at least +15 with her hot topic armor. Again though this movie is 100 minutes, and we’re now at 50 minutes here of our 100 minute 275 dollar out of a $300 Canadian dollar budget film.

As she’s in the woods sneaking and snooping. She stumbled onto a hooded figure. Great she’s about to ruin a larp event. But no. This hooded figure has the Quija board! This is the owner of said board. The man who trapped the shark here in the first place. Providence bless us!

Well not really. Apparently the hooded mystery man with the radio voice didn’t really know what he was doing? He dabbled in things he shouldn’t had, and admits that not even in death can the hunger and rage of the great white be contained, let alone controlled. He just knows the board controls it and maybe they could put it back into the board? He’s not entirely clear and his wiggle room for if things will work out or not is really tight. So he’s not at all helpful for being the one who could stop this.

But there talk is interrupted as the shark floats over head and Jill must quickly hide. Though when she looks around after the shark passes, the hooded man is now gone. She is left on her own again and picks up the quija board the man dropped. We are greeted to the knowledge their camera has a built in mic as we hear every twist and strain of her leather boots and jacket. She is running once more, firing at the shark as it passes, pushing out the board as a shield to defend herself. Until she stumbles upon a wooden shack. Which they must have had super bad audio on that day, or people near by because it’s the one scene in the movie where there is no audio what so ever and they cover it with music.

Meanwhile, Google dad is seeing the medium he said he’d meet with. Who is a young woman made to look a older, wearing a headband, gazing into a color changing plastic ball surrounded by red drapes and fake flowers.

Jill’s dad informs her to save the theatrics for the rubes. He’s been on google and he knows a thing or two about a thing or two. So she continues the theatrics and tells him. Us. That Jill is still in danger. Shes in danger right this moment in fact. And with her super real powers as a medium. She can help protect her. Possibly. She will try to track this thing that is after her. And help. But she must warn that if the thing becomes aware of them, it might turn its attention to them, if it does that, they could be at risk. Because the quija shark will find them.

He says it is worth it, if it keeps her safe for a little and helps her find the answers needed to save us all.

It sounds reasonable and like the setup for a good plan.

But it’s not. Because this movie is low on time and we have to keep it moving. So in the exact same moment this is mentioned. The medium says the shark is aware of them, and she must stop touching the crystal ball to sever the connection and protect them from the shark. Dad cannot let this stand. He must give his daughter any chance of protection he can.

So the dad picks up the crystal ball and looks around the room wildly. “Come on! Hey hey you! Look over here! Fresh meat! Come on you son of a” and the shark roars. Beginning the dumbest looking guess what’s happening sequence. The shark head appears and pecks at him. But in spectral form. Several times left and right above and below. He’s comically screaming but he doesn’t look like he’s in pain. Is the ghost attacking him and unable to kill him? Because there’s no chomping sound effect. There’s no blood spurts. Nothing. Apparently no. The shark was actually attacking him because after this series of comical hand puppet pecks he vanishes. Leading to the dumbest line and moment of comedy. It actually triggered a full groan. The first in a long time., Having just witnessed the man vanish in front of him after being attacked by a spectral Quija shark, she says “Mother told me there’d be days like this.”

How does that even…. Jesus wept.

So what else could they do now that that’s over with. Oh hey  it’s the sheriff, we should do something with that character. Cant have any loose ends. He comments on how the forest feels unnaturally cold. I am guessing as sheriff of the forest he’s used to the temperature so he’d certainly know. Surely enough moments later our shark appears and is after him. He’s firing a pistol which sounds like the movie actually may have recorded actual shots because unlike the shotgun. This sounds legitimate.

However despite shooting at a ghost shark. Much like Jill did. He survives. Having discovered the shack Jill has put herself in. Using the board to protect them both.

The scene is worth pointing out that for low budget reasons. You don’t see the shark put into frame when the sheriff is running off. Just while its chasing him. It’s not a fault, or feature. Just a fun notice it thing.

So now partnered together in the mystery shack. Which looks like someones personal cabin. She’s about to lay out for him everything she knows about the Quija board. Actually she isn’t. I mean she promises him, says that she will. She says she’ll explain it all. She doesn’t. She just tells him they need to use the board. So she tries contacting someone to help them.

Its hilarious.

They have no center piece to use on the board. So sheriff man tells her to use his pistol.

It is here that we learn up close. This pistol is a painted toy gun. We learn this because the barrel top of the gun is flaking paint and you can see the orange of the plastic peaking through. The more she scrapes it across the board. The more paint flakes off.

Naturally as she is contacting the dead for help. The only spirit able to answer, to help them. Is her deceased father. Whom we get to see in the spiritual world as he fist fights the shark. Stopping only to realize and then vocalize “Oh my god. I’m dead. You hear that? You can’t hurt me anymore! I’ve got to use my occult training!” Thus begins our great spiritual battle. Shark vs man. In the spirit world.

To say this is a hilarious wtf am I watching moment. Is pretty accurate. Minus the hilarious part. But it surely is something when you see a man defiantly tell a summoned ghost shark “I’m dead, you can’t hurt me!” only to have the shark fire off a spiritual ball of energy to hurt him. Top that off with using occult training to create literal Doctor Strange hand shields using wax on wax off motions. Deflecting these spirit orbs, and eventually firing off his own.

It’s a short battle because we have 9 minutes left. But Daddy Google. Our Google dad has beaten the shark in the spiritual world.

However it is still very present in the real world.  Our lady of leather action is still committed to firing shotgun burst at the shark. Which still do nothing. So she decides why not shoot the board. That’s a good trick.

And just like that. One shotgun blast to the board and the board is destroyed. The shark is destroyed.

Jill and cop man make it out alive. They are both in need of a drink. She adds that she’d even love some sushi and cop man throws up his hands “Too soon”

Before we groan again. The movie has one last what the fuck are you even doing moment.

Prepare your anuses for this one.

The empty house is not empty. As our heroes leave. The hooded man returns. And makes a phone call.

To the fucking white house.

A very over the top Trump answers the phone, which is directly next to a “Make America Great” hat. He enquires how the project is going. He is told it went as planned. Everything is ready. The president is happy to hear this and insist, complete with overly pasty white lips and orange face pain, ‘Operation Quija Shark must be ready. It’s gonna be huge.”

And the movie ends. With thinly vailed badly done Trump, laughing wickedly.

What even the fuck.

Like. Christ okay lets unpack this lump of shit.

First off, no fucks given for Trump. Seriously non.

But how is this a funny ending? The movie makes no goddamn sense, you vaguely imply the shark was summoned into a Quija board and then set free by dumb bored drunk ladies. You then imply it can be imprisoned in the board, or just as we saw destroyed when the board Is destroyed.

How the fuck. The actual theatrical we made a script for this shit fuck. Does it make sense, that this is an operation? Like what the. How the fuck does this work? What illegal drugs did you misuse to come up with this?

I’m actually getting pissed at this movie, and not in a how dare you way, or an I want to burn this film way. I just want to understand how you could make something, with a simple concept. Then just toss it all in the air and say OMEGALUL.

I mean fuck you. Seriously.

Like a puppy peeing in the house, lets shove our noses in it and look at what we just did. Okay? Okay.

Girl finds washed up Quija board.

Girl and friends summon shark from board

Shark kills people

Girl seeks way to stop shark

Girls finds way to stop shark

Movie ends

This. This is the simple base story for the film. You follow this, you have a film. You write scenes to match this ques. Simple. To the point. Your movie is done. Makes sense.

Really. It is that simple a formula for your story. These are the beats you follow and you have a cohesive movie with a beginning, middle, and end. Just that simple.

What this fucking thing did. Was took that formula. Some ones simple idea. And shit out all over it. Then pissed on it for good measure.

You add a bunch of useless crap and silly moments. Fine. That’s fine. Those things happen all the time in movies. But when you keep shifting and changing it. For literally no reason. Then try to end it with a cheap joke that makes even less sense than the rest of the movie. You have succeeded in being a massive dick who just wasted some ones time

Girl finds bored.

Girl and friends summon shark

Shark kills people

Girl is told find way to stop shark

Girl finds man who trapped shark

Girl fails to find way to stop shark.

Girls father fights shark and wins

Girl still has to stop shark

Girl finds way to stop shark

Guy who trapped shark is behind government operation

What even the fuck dude?

It’s like taking your idea and running it through a madlib then filming it. It’s the dumbest shit. I can forgive a film for having bad cgi. It can still be good even with that. But when you make a movie that can’t commit to one thing. Introduces pointless characters and scenes. Kills off the characters it introduced in the same scene. Gives two endings and then tacks on the joke idea that a board. A quija board with a shark trapped inside it. This is, a government plan? To do what exactly? You release a bunch of shark boards on the eastern coast and what? You get a bunch of drunk dumb bitches to free killer sharks and hope it takes out a few hundred people? How does that make sense?

In the history of dumb ass ideas and one off jokes. How the hell is that even anything else other than dumb as fucking shit? It’s not even chuckle worthy on the lowest common denominator. It’s not even stoner funny. It’s just lame as fuck. Even the idea you kept changing your ending. You kept adding unneeded, completely unnecessary bullshit to an already short film.

You added confusion. Pointlessness, and ended up dragging out an idea that would’ve served better as a short film just to make it meet feature length run time. You purposely ruined a movie by padding it out, drawing it out and trying to insert lame jokes. Just to make to breach that time limit didn’t you?

That’s really what happened here.

You have an idea for a movie. It sounds fun so you decide okay lets shoot it. You write up a script and when you figure out the run time you realize shit. The movies only about 35 minutes. We need more. We need to make things happen. Okay so lets add some things. Lets toss in some side characters for the shark to kill. Okay that’ll add a few minutes. Crap we’re only at 45 minutes. Alright well. How about we extend the final act. Okay lets sacrifice the father. That’ll give us an ended. We can use him to fight the shark. As a spirit he’ll be more powerful. Okay great there’s our ending. Well shit we just broke an hour what else can we do? Well I don’t know how about we change the ending? No I don’t mean get rid of the ending. We keep it but make it a fake ending and have another real final battle. Where does that put us? Oh that’s great! Okay cool lets tack on a joke, credits will fill in the rest and we’re good to go. Just edit it all together it’ll make sense. Someone will rent/buy it.

And they did. They bought it assuming they’d have a fun time with a fun concept. A shark in a quija board. Okay lets go, sounds fun. Then you unleash a poorly edited, badly paced, failure of a story made solely to meet a run time for it to be called a film.

I hate it because people that do shit like that and continue to make films, bother me.

When you are faced with watching something like that. Or watching not even one, or the entire Polonia brothers collection. Bust just 5 of their most poorly reviewed films? I absolutely will choose Polonia’s worst 5.

I would sit through Noah’s shark and watch it on an endless look for 42 hours. Versus dedicate another minute to low effort shit like this.

Why?

Because Polonia brother films are that bad?

No.

Because even their worst movie, is still a film they put more work and actual skill into making and putting together versus this kind of lazy uncaring crap.

Those guys can take a plastic kids toy shark. Cover it in playdough. Paint two claw arm toys silver and make a scene that is more entertaining. Hilarious, and worth watching and showing to others again scene. And it’ll still be worth more than the entirety of this films run length.

That’s just the cold hard truth. Those brothers, with an entire catalog of bad, horrible, shit, entertaining, low budget gold. Have put in more effort with their low end do it yourself effects. Have paid writers who actually will care about what they’re saying and putting out there. Will structure a story and even with scenes missing and stories cut short for budget. They still make a full on legitimate film you can talk about after as having enjoyed, laughed at and not believed you just saw.

You make something like Quija Shark, and you want to ask for a refund, or in my case burn the dvd.

If the movie had followed some kind of cohesive plot. Stuck to a story and not done what it did. I could pass it off as ‘You know what? It wasn’t great. It was mostly so so but eh. It had some moments.’ Which even that is being generous, but I can’t.

Even my problems with the film aside? Everything about it was a lost cause. I watched hoping for a payoff. Hoping it would go somewhere and I’d enjoy where it went. But I didn’t. The movie was just a lame duck. I wasted my time on a movie that couldn’t be bothered and felt like it was just a waste of time.

I can’t believe I’m saying this. Because I’ve never to this day compared any film to being on par with it. But the absolute trash I was in as an extra. A fucking zombie, made up of gray and white paint, with latex and toilet paper made to create scars. In a film that never. Ever would have been released if not for the director re-editing it to include film grain and try to get it put out there as a grindhouse film when Tarantino and Rodrigez put out their Grindhouse film. Seriously the movie me and my sister appear in never was going to find distribution and only did because the director added those filters to it GOT IT released because of the grindhouse craze. Even that movie which none of my family. None of my friends could sit through without great torture and only did just to get to the part where you see us. That film still had a full story . A boring ass poorly shot and even worse acted story. But a full beginning middle and end story. Following a formula. With a basic structure. Was far better done. Made. Put together and released. Versus this.

I know it sounds harsh. It should. It’s the truth. You want to find out for yourself? Don’t I still don’t want people seeing that film. But I still endorse and hold it over this one. Because that director as thieving and crappy a human being as he was. He still fleshed out a story and made it. Things like this though. If you can’t give it a moment to piece it together? If you can’t write it yourself? Pass it. Or make it a short film.

There are many ways this could have gone differently, and better.

Shall I prove it?

I’ll even use the first few minutes provided by this movie to help us out. Girl goes swimming finds a washed up quija board. Brings it over to party. Friends are drinking having fun, fast forward to the evening and nothing else to do. Girl mentions the board she found and tells everyone how weird it was and how it was kind of spooky. So friends start asking to see this board. The girl reluctantly brings it out and shows everyone. They decide well. We have a quija board, why not have some fun and try it?

The girls try out the board and sure enough. There is an entity in the board. They continue playing with it until a shark gets released. The lights grow bright. Power goes out with a roar from the shark. The girls scream then laugh, but Jill is left in shock. She feels something bad happened. She swears she saw something come out of the board. But her friends don’t buy it, they think she’s trying to have fun since the power went out and it scared them.

As the night carries on they begin experiencing and hearing weird things around the house. Running water, splashing, growls. Objects moving on their own. One of the girls gets up to get herself something to drink as the others ready for bed. As she goes down stairs she sees the Quija board on the table still. Now lit by candles. She lingers a moment then decides to have some fun on her own where her friends can’t tease her for believing in a dumb game. So she begins asking it silly questions. Will I be rich, will I find a handsome husband, or wife. Will I live a long life and have lots of children. The board tells her no. She gives a weird look “What do you mean I wont live a long life?” Overheard hovers the shark and Chomp. She’s dead and gone. Drink left on the table.

That night Jill has a nightmare of her friend calling out for help from the ocean maybe. She reaches out to her friend but a shark swallows her up. The dream woke her up , startling her. But slowly forces herself back to sleep. Surely it was just a weird nightmare.

The girls wake up the following morning and file downstairs. No one knows where their one friend went off too. They assume she woke early and went for a jog maybe. They all tell Jill not to worry and they’ll all hang out again later. But for now its time to clean up and go to work. Jill isn’t so sure and then ask her friends. Where her Quija board she found went. No one knows.

From there. One by one the girls are finding themselves in similar situations where while at work doing their duties. While studying in class, while practicing at a school gym. They all encounter the Quija board. And each time they all feel compelled to put their hands on it. “Who’s there?” “What do you want?” “Who placed this here?” all of them ask similar questions of the board and one by one they all meet the same fate. And each death triggers a reaction in Jill. She gets flashes even while awake of each friend as they meet their demise.

Her family seeing her in such distress ask her whats wrong but she doesn’t know how to explain it. She just knows that something is deeply wrong with her friends and they’re all going missing. A knock at the door introduces her grandma. She arrives telling the family that she was worried for Jill. She sensed she was in danger.

It is then that Jill relays the full story to her family in the presense of her grandma, and they all look gravely concerned one to the other. Grandma then explains to her that because of their families connection to the underworld. This board was drawn to her. They explain how her grandmother used to help rid people and their homes of evil spirits, how she’d use objects to trap the evil inside of them, and then destroy them. How she encountered a truly wicked and cursed spirit that nearly ended her. It took all of her strength and power. Along with that of her daughter. Jill’s mother to trap and send that spirit back to the underworld. But it swore it would find them again and destroy the world.

So here they are now. Possibly facing that same evil. Having found a way through this board to bridge the gap between the underworld and ours. She learns she comes from a strong line of mystic women who could call out and destroy evil spirits. They kept this from her as they wanted a normal life for her. As her mother had wanted. But they know that can’t happen now. Not until this evil is dealt with once and for all.

They need to retrieve the board, and all of them gather to perform a ritual that will trap the evil shark, and destroy it along with the board for good. Until then. The sharks spirit will roam freely, but only through contact with the board can it do harm.

Thanks to glasses girl and another friend they are able to find the board and bring it to Jill’s home. They all gather at the table for the ritual. Of course things don’t go so well the first time. The shark circles the room. Threatening everyone present. They’re all told not to break the circle of hands otherwise the evil could attack them. But the circle is broken when the shark seems to have vanished. Only to pop up from the middle of the table roaring jaws chomping.  Unfortunately in the chaos of this and the hands being broken. Grandma is claimed by the evil shark. All truly seems lost as the family has lost its most powerful member.

But Jill, more determined then ever. Is ready to take up the mantle of her family set down by her grandmother, passed to her mother. And now to her. She won’t let this evil shark take her friends and her family. She isn’t beginning a ritual this time. She’s using the board and summoning her grandmother for help. Through chants and belief. With the help of her friends and their love for each other. With the help of her mother holding hands they are able to call her grandmothers spirit. They now have a warrior in the spirit realm that can help them battle the shark.

An epic CGI battle takes place between the spirit world and dining table as the grandmother clashes with the shark. Any time it gets close enough to attack her family, she commands aloud and cast spells drawing the shark away. Striking at it. All while her daughter, Jill. Her friends all chant and continue now with the ritual her grandmother had started. But it’s still not enough.

Things look bad. Her grandmother is losing the struggle but doing her best. Her spiritual powers are weakening. Jill and her mother look nearly defeated. The house is a swarm of flashing lights, bulbs exploding and dramatic music. When into the room walks Jill’s dad. He had wanted no part in this as he felt the loss of one family member showed they were only risking losing more. It wasn’t worth the fight. But seeing his daughter and the strength she puts out. His wife holding her hand and lending her own strength. He’s never been prouder and more full of love. He believes in them. He believes this can work. He slides between the two. Sliding his hand over each of theirs and the family is whole again. Their hands slip into his and now with the full love of Jill’s family combined with the spirit of their grandmother. They are able to over power the shark. Grandma has beaten down the evil spirit and broken its hold. She commands to Jill “Do it now! Finish the ritual!”, They give a tearful goodbye to one another and the family, along with Jill’s friends complete the ritual. The Quija board begins to shake and rattle as does the house. The board is cracking and glowing. The spirit of the shark swims over heard roaring in pain as it spirals down into the board.

The board lifts from the table and at last explodes into sparkles and dust. The house settles and all is quiet. The shark. The evil in the Quija board. Are gone. Grandma is at peace and the family embrace tearfully.

We end with the next day. Jill is happy once again. Her surviving friends all with her. Ready to face the new day. And they notice Jill has a marking now on her wrist. A mark in the sake of a sharks tooth. A symbol of her battle, possibly a mark of power as it glows for a moment then stops. The trio of friends take off and we end on a happy theme.

There’s a story. Off the top of my head.

Combining elements of taken from Insidious, Nightmare on Elm Steet, and Poltergeist 2.

I just came up with that shit off the top of my head.

What’s more? I could’ve taken it three other directions and had full beginning middle and end for each. They all would fill out an hour and 10 minutes. Hour and 30 even. Without the need to pad it out. You could absolutely do it on a budget. All of that. Could be condensed down even, and still make sense.

If you wanna go really out there? You could take the entire film that was Shark Huntress, and added a quija board into it. Taken out the green peace crap, and it could work. You could take the movie Witchboard, and replace the villain with a shark and that’d work.

Hell take the story from witchboard and use a hand puppet shark. You can make a film that’s still better served and makes sense.

Making bad movies is not a crime.

Turning in a film you had to force yourself through to meet a minimal runtime is.

It’s just upsetting when you have something that could have gone somewhere and in the end. Didn’t.  It makes for a film that feels less like a shitty shark film and more for a why did you even bother.

Sometimes its worth putting in the effort, over just seeing what you can do for $300 bucks and a six pack. But they still did it. Are still doing it. I think there’s even talk of a sequel. I hope not. I really hope not.

Of course I don’t endorse seeing the film. It promised humor and it didn’t deliver. It promised fun and it was barely there. It just wasn’t good and it fell flat. This was a low point in the 30 days of shark, I need something to lift me back up after this. They can’t all be that bad. But we made it through. We didn’t turn it off or replace it. So we will soldier on.

Just. Yes. Don’t rent this, Please. Let’s go home and watch Dangerous Men instead.