SHARK-A-THON Day 13 Planet of the Sharks!!

Day 13 Planet of the Sharks

When Waterworld failed us all with flooding the planet with sharks. Leave it to TheAsylum to correct that mistake and give us this. Waterworld with sharks.

Yep. This is an apocalyptic film about the ice caps melting. The world submerged under water. Forcing people to make floating islands and survive on boats. In an ocean with an over flowing population of fish, and every breed of shark.

Even before knowing the Asylum was behind this. I knew it would be insane and the potential for fun would be high.

For those not entirely familiar with, or who weren’t around during the craziness that was the world going crazy over the horrible bad film Birdemic. TheAsylum makes porn parody style films, without the hardcore sex and lubricant. They are the movie force of nature responsible for many of the titles you likely saw in the last days of Blockbuster that had pun filled rip off titles to big budget blockbusters.

Such as: Transmorphers, Atlantic Rim, AVH Alien Vs Hunter, Paranormal Entity, Almighty Thor, DaVinci’s Treasure and yes The Terminators.

All of these films not only came out as quickly to the release of the theatrical films, but they copied every bit of the text and covers as closely as they could to make even Italian filmmakers blush with the rush of lawsuits they could have, and sometimes did have filed against them.

The company however did find success in a SyFy zombie show, as well as the never too full in the ocean of bad shark movies. Bad shark movies.

So we can only hope after Shark Hunter. That this film will. Well I know it’ll deliver on a few things. So let’s just hope boring isn’t one of them.

I give to you.

Planet of the Sharks

Tagline: When the World Floods with Water. One Species Rises to the Top

Synopsis: In the near future, glacial melting has covered 98% of earths landmass. Sharks have flourished and now dominate the planet, operating as one massive school led by a mutated alpha shark. The human survivors live in terror of the predators, and it’s up to a few survivors to take down the alpha shark and make the seas safe again.

If that doesn’t get your blood pumping. Leave it to the epic music that starts off our journey to do that for you.

It’s damn near Conan levels of brutal, and can only promise disappointment or extreme moments of action mixed in with cgi shark goodness.

As for the earth? We’re looking at a pretty low population. We open with Junk City. Which looks pretty clean for being junk. It has a moderate population of 72, and that’s pretty reasonable. I actually like the floating house designs. It’s surprising given where we see them. Really everything looks surprisingly good. Until the sharks show up. Then the movie reminds you what you paid for. Cheap CGI sharks doing 30 foot leaps into the air made to looks like they’re biting and taking down actors jumping off of high ledges, falling back into water. And people reacting to CGi boats being torn apart by CGI sharks. Junk town is suddenly under attack and sharks are literally leaping out of the water taking people down left and right. Boats are being sunk. HUGE sharks are performing a bloody ballet of murderous frenzy while people scramble for safety.

Its all happening very fast and very furiously. Luckily one person, a young girl has found a place to hide that may just keep her safe. A barrel. As for the rest of Junk City. They seem to be doomed.

But enough about that. We’re now moving on to neighboring barge down and seemingly better constructed, Salvation. With a rather impressive population of 436. Which you could never imagine that many living their given the size of the place and severe lack of housing available.

This city is close enough to Junk down to spot a signal flare shot off from their city signaling they require immediate assistance. So our friendly radio DJ decides to phone in and see what the deal is. Unfortunately everyone is dead, dying or about to die so no ones answering. Even their lookout towers can’t really make out whats left of the city. Apparently the sharks have taken it down in all of 3 minutes. That’s believable actually with a heavy population of murderous sharks following a charismatic alpha shark. I genuinely hope it has an eye patch and scars signaling its brutal checkered past.

But not likely.

So with visual contact no longer a thing, they turn to the aid of a roaming ship, The Osprey. The ship and its captain are thankfully VERY close by and able to spot the smoldering remains of the town. I don’t know what the sharks did, even though a minute ago it pretty much showed us. But they have managed to start fires and destroy the floating heap of junk that was Junk City.

But enough of that, now we’re introduced to yet another floating instalment. This one is the super rich looking establishment that is Vestron Oceanic Research Station. Complete with wind turbines, helicopter landing pads and a refinery. Unfortunately we are never told the population. But we do learn the sea captain on the boat’s name is Barrick. We also learn that everyone refers to booze now as homebrew. Which will become important. Not for them but for us. Homebrew is as I’ve made it, rather strong and tasty. So we can only hope the same goes for them.

This has all been a rather quick hasty introduction of our island towns but do not fear. We are slowing down finally. Because at Vestron town, we have three ladies in control of building a rocket. Using salvaged parts. We have no idea what the rocket is for. But we know it is important and that they are dangerously low on vital parts needed to help it. More importantly the ones they do have will only allow for a launch, not so much a launch test. They’ve been pushing their crews night and day to build this thing and they are all at the breaking point. Why the rush on the rocket is anyones guess at this point. But we’ll put that on the back burner for now.

10 minutes in and we’re on a spinning wheel of character introductions, island city glimpses and now on to what has to be the best fake accent I’ve heard in a good long time as we meet tough as nails grizzly voiced lady, She’s doing a southern….cajun. I’m not even sure what voice. It’s a combination of all the above but I’ll just call her Belter lady because I’ve been reading a lot of the Expanse books lately and after having seen the show she talks like a low tier belter so. There we have it.

She’s running barter tow..well no wait that’s wrong. She’s in charge of Salvation and it seems in charge of everything she wants to be, really. She’s concerned about Junk City, but mostly in the sense that they could’ve wasted supplies and possibly a flair as no ones heard or seen from them since that flair went up. Her radio dispatch man informs her the situation but she’s not having it.

But enough about that now. Barrick is on his way to the city and it seems just in time too, as he rescued the cities only survivor, a little girl that hid inside a barrel. Assisting in this rescue and for visual confirmation, is a helicopter pilot. Who’s able to get in close to the city and….and it is a wonderous cgi effect. I won’t say it looks like someone cut out the shape of a helicopter and stop motioned it into the scene. But I am saying that. Because it kind of does. We need that homebrew.

He has confirmed visually that not only was the city destroyed. But that there is a mass army of sharks down below and this is the most dangerous place for him, Barrick and anyone not a shark to be. He also notes on his radar that. In the midst of this shark-a-palooza is a giant single shark bigger than any shark in the history of ever. Minus an eye patch still, sadly. So now with the girl rescued it’s time to head out and off to safety. Report back to Salvation on what happened and get answers from the survivor.

I will say that even though the cgi is rather, on par for Asylum films. The scenes with the boat are nice. Mostly because you get free production value in the shape of dolphins around the boat. Not sure where they filmed this but it’s nice. Also the costumes aren’t that terrible. They are a step above most low budget films but not quite Hollywood standard. Jut right in the middle at porn parody quality. Where it should be.

So now back in Salvation we must discuss these findings. The conversation turns sour though as Belter lady doesn’t like hearing about monster sized sharks they’ve never seen before and chooses to believe the fire and destruction was more than likely caused by dumb earthers in the city destroying what belters gave them.

She isn’t happy but she’s also mildly interested in this shark talk.

But enough about that.

Back to Vestron city! Which further proves yet again that the far away cgi shots of these towns looks pretty decent and nearly possible. The close up shots are cartoonish and chuckle worthy. Welcome to the Asylum.

As Barrick parks his boat and tries to comfort our survivor, her name is Bea but we’ll call her Newt. Because she acts like Newt in Aliens. So As Barrick parks his boat and talks with her, we’re greeted to a fun white lady moment of ignoring the problem in favor of ‘Everything is actually fine sweety’ behavior. Dr. Nichols tells her that everything is fine now. She’ll be safe as they have rockets. This city is very big on rockets. Newt tells her in the best Newt tone “Rockets won’t stop them when he comes.”, this worries Dr. Nichols and she shakily as the follow up to this foreboding statement, “When who comes?”, Newt uses her newly gained thousand yard stare and simply says, “The sharks.” Which prompts Dr Karen to take over from within Nichols and passively smile at the girl while informing her yeah no, that’s not a threat. We’ll be just fine here. Everythings fine here.

After both Dr and ships captain reaffirm to Newt multiple times how safe and fine they are, here at Vestron city, and how this place is the safest you could hope for. They then inform her all three of them are going to Salvation. The not safest city, ran by a bartering belter angry at the loss of Junk city.

The Dr. needs to visit Salvation to get supplies they need and rocket building material. As well as discuss what happened. For reasons.

But enough about that.

Do you get where I’m going with this? Things randomly and quickly happen one area to the next, minimal dialogue and not much setup. They’re making the most of the first 20 minutes before the actual film progresses.

So thus far the key take aways we have are that: Salvation is a salvage base. They do the dirty work so therefor they’re a bit tough around the edges and likely to be a problem. Junk city we will never know what they did, just that they were destroyed. And Vestron is the tech happy hub who’s far better off than anyone and building a rocket for reasons we will get into finally. While Barrick we learn is a salvage operations captain contracted by Vestron who pays him in gas and supplies to help to runs for them and gather salvage for their projects. Which are mostly missle based.

That’s where we are at after nearly 20 minutes.

So what of these rockets and or one main rocket? Well we are going to get a good reason for this finally. And I do mean finally, as another character walks into frame to explain to little Newt just what the hell is going on, she’s another doctor by the way and she tells us, “We are going to attach a device to that rocket called ‘The Co2 Scrubber’, Co2 is what caused the poles to melt and the entire planet to be covered with water. So our team, which is headed by Dr. Nichols, has created this device. They’re going to put this device on the rocket and fire it up high into the the atmosphere, hoping with the right conditions that this will actually reverse the effect.”

So the rocket will in theory, we hope. Reverse the effects and drain the world of it’s oversized ocean. Which will create entirely new problems for them to deal with but that’s a problem for another day.

We also learn that Barrick puts up with a lot. These ladies all push him around and tug him this way and that. If he argues even if fairly, they belittle him and remind him what they pay him. The man puts up with a lot and again we are reminded how this film could literally at the flip of a fin turn into a porno.

It’s sad to say this, but in a lot of adult films, woman are constantly more times than not, put into roles of power and men serve as the muscle. Which is kind of sad to think that’s the one place its most common, but this movie is going that route thankfully. It’s just all the signs are there for this to be a film it is not, and we should be grateful for that. Maybe.

I mean seriously I task you. I dare you to watch one scene from this film with our lead ladies all together and not tell me this could easily end up with a random scene of someone getting boned before leading into the next.

But enough about that.

Our ladies and Barrick have arrived at Salvation. They are used to much finer and cleaner establishments, so this place isn’t ideal for them but they make the most out of it, in hopes for a quick trip.

Well they’re in luck, at the brisk pace the film is set it will be a quick in and out situation. After some tense conversations.

So science team is alerting Belter lady of the shark situation. Which she isn’t ready to buy into still as established earlier. But she’s willing to entertain the notion. Especially since its coming from science land.

They tell the belters that they need to ready themselves and evacuate the town as it has poor defenses and structure. That the sharks they saw, in that large a group, and being lead by a super large mutated shark. It spells danger for all of them. Especially after the sharks destroyed Junk City. Reasonably enough Belter lady ask them if Vestron can take in her 400 belters. OF COURSE THEY CAN’T!! Which seems funny given the large scale they’ve given to all of these cities in their cgi drawings. They all look capable of holding at maximum 60-80 people and even that’s pushing it. But to say the town of Salvation holds 400 people when it has(and I did my best counting) at most 13 house like buildings? Even if you had those people living in 6ft by 4ft spaces. Its just not…so anyway Vestron can’t help take them all in. They are a science building. Not a housing complex.

How ever. Should they possibly move some things around. They could potentially support and take in 200 people.

Oooooooor if they really felt like it, they could take in all four hundred. But that’s gonna take time!

It’s a funny argument and exchange as that’s really how it went down, just very quickly. It went from we can’t help you, save yourselves. To okay we can take 200 of you but that’s it. To finally Okay we can take all of you in but it’s gonna take us time and we have to clean up the place.

Welcome to the end of the world as run by people in their 30’s

So what do the people of Salvation do until their salvation? Apparently do what they do best according to belter lady. The town stripped most of its fishnet defense which kept sharks mostly out. They needed them for expanding their island town. So their defenses are down. But they are a tough people so they will, survive without and off the muscles of their backs, and determination of every belter. That’s the speech she gives, I’m not just ad libing more references. This lady isn’t saying how they’ll survive other than just implying they are strong and they will fist fight sharks if need be.

So if Valvoline town wants their rocket supplies they’ll need to put in a little more effort to help save lives. Which they agree to after a long deep sigh and eye rolling session. Because science isn’t about saving lives. It’s about building rockets.

Which will then save lives. Look it’s a complicated thing, that’s why they have doctors and scientist doing it.

So what happens now?

Now we see what Salvation town is all about bossmang

This aint a lightweight blow over with the wind town. This towns been here since the start and they are tough as hell! They have been killing sharks since they could walk and these new sharks are no match for them.Get ready!

Seriously get ready because we spend a good solid 3 minutes on watching this woman and her people stomp rhythmically while doing weird weapon dances preparing for the coming shark storm. As for our scientist? They’re going back to the boat. They aren’t cut out for this, manual labor thing.

So after an impressively awkward fully LARP’d scene of prepping themselves and hyping their warriors. It’s sharking time!

Which they do not disappoint. And for a brief moment in this film. The sharks actually don’t look so bad. Honestly they look rather ‘okay’. The belters are stabbing sharks right out of the water and stabbing them on the boards of their towns walkways. They’re doing pretty good to be fair. Until they aren’t.

It’s the equivalent of that “Is that all there is?”, as queen of the Belters shouts out at Dr Shaw “Dis just another day fo mah people!”, I know it’s supposed to be badass but the look this woman has, and her accent of three types is just…it’s like attending an SCA event where people dress in ‘garb’ they grabbed from the second hand store and someone is trying to do their best Scottish impression but it keeps going from Irish to british to something inbetween, while trying to sell you paintings of fairy ladies and sand dragons. Only worse.

So her people were winning. Until Alpha shark declared it was their move and now the age of man must end. So they begin fucking up the place. The horrible leaping CGI sharks reappear and begin looking like they’re taking down people who are naturally falling or leaping into the water. Our science people are mildly concerned and headed for their boat. Meanwhile I must break someones heart by telling you all that during this, and in slow motion because their character deserved it. Miss Belter has been taken down by a shark. She went out charging with a spear in her hand roaring out a battle cry. Leaping from a dock and a shark leapt up as well taking her down from the side. Another brave Beltalowda down. Gone she go, into the big empty. But she was Belta lik pashang.

But enough about that.

After a brief struggle between Barrick and another muscle man, the ship is ready for her captain and our doctor scientist ladies. As they make their emotional getaway from Salvation. Luckily and at the last minute along with the things they needed for the rocket. How conveeeeeeeeeeeenient.

Hell Even radio man makes it aboard. So at least they salvaged someone from the town.

It’s also worthy to note that as silly as seeing Salvage down destroyed with explosions and floating buildings in the sky. We get to see the mutated shark more clearly. He’s easy to make out as it’s a teenage shark with a purplish glowing henna tattoo across its face.

She’s just going through a phase, also she is controlling an entire legion of sharks so. Only say positive things to her.

I will give a bit more credit to the film as the soundtrack is better than most. A lot of these use forgettable or generic free use music. But this ones got a full score going for it that sounds like a meshing of The Dark Knight and Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s not bad, it’s pretty nice and like most films with a good score. Helps make things a step better.

I mean you know what you are watching, but the music does at least give it a feel of legitimacy and actually does fit whats on screen.

So as 399 people die while our heroes escape from Salvation. They radio to base and inform their workers that their plans must be rushed and the rocket needs to be launched as soon as possible to stop this alpha shark with henna tattooing.

Well actually we have two plans now. We have a plan for reclaiming the earth. So there’s that. We also have a plan for dealing with the shark problem. Do we have another rocket for this?! No. We have a volcano.

Yes we are going to utilize a volcano to help with the shark problem. The idea is to drop a device into the volcano causing it to erupt and emitting a few thousand megatons of energy into the ocean. To put it in her words, “Using the HAARP to trigger submarine volcanoes by zapping the upper atmosphere with focused electromagnetic radio waves. We just need to force an eruption, and that’s what the HAARP transmitter does.”

So. Why? Exactly? Well it seems the plan is that, by triggering an eruption in the underwater volcano and releasing many thousands of megaton energy into the ocean. If they get the sharks there in the area. It could kill them. So that’s the plan. How though. Do we know we will kill the sharks? How will we know they will be at or over the volcano? Our doctor scientist Shaw tells us “Leave it to me.”

The fate of the world hinges on ‘leave it to me.”

I’m not saying I doubt her abilities as a scientist, and I am not saying I doubt they can follow through with a plan. I am saying however in a world buried under water, and this being just one corner of it. You’ll likely kill a few sharks but certainly not all, and if there is one mutated hanna tattoo’d shark. There likely may be more of them out there so this is just a smidgen of a dent in the shark problem. But if it makes them feel better, and gives them something to cheer for and raise moral to help boost the building of their rocket. Yay.

So they have the device ready. Teams are busy on the rocket. We thankfully have a helicopter pilot willing to risk his life by flying above the water and doing his best to point the sharks in the right direction to help blow the volcano! Things are coming up roses!

Until they aren’t, and a shark leaps out of the water grabbing the helicopter and dragging it down, slamming it into the water and swallowing the pilot

WELP. That was a plan.

Guess it’s time to call it a day and head home.

But no! Barrick is still in it to win it.

He’s volunteering a way to retrieve the device that’s still transmitting. Collect it and guide the sharks like the pied piper of the sea! But how. Without a fancy helicopter how can he achieve such a task? Will he risk their boat?!

Apparently not. He instead has a super secret way of achieving this task.

He has a wind surf parachute…thing. We’ll call it the Guffin.

He lets Dr Nichols use the guffin to zoom zoom around on the water. Using a small parachute to keep her zooming at full speed on the water. Should any sharks get too close? She yanks a chord and off into the sky she goes. Flying on her little board. This spectacle amuses the sharks so they don’t attack her like they did the helicopter because it’s not making as much noise and is far less annoying. Pluss seeing a human fly is pretty new for them.

So she shall retrieve the device, slap it into place and let the shark calling begin.

Meanwhile our rocket building scientist are busy with. Rocket building. However they report in that while they were successful in prepping the HAARP, they unfortunately discovered that some of the controls, on this needed important device that will save them. Have been stripped to use on the rocket.  This means the device will have to be jumpstarted manually. Doing so will trigger a big heaping of plot device later on.

Yes I mean to say it sounds like someone will be sacrificing themselves.

Meanwhile at Valvoline self service science center. One of our male scientist is disagreeing with Dr scientist ladies plans. He feels it’s a waste of time and the rocket should be the priority. Which in a way makes sense as their main goal was to finish the rocket, launch it and begin their plans to dwindle the worlds ocean down to nothing or something more manageable. But he is immediately shut down and told to shit his whore mouth and never question the greater good. Questioning the doctor scientist lady is like questioning science itself and you don’t want to question science now do you? DO YOU?!!!

It's just odd. The guy has a legit question about this, he’s not saying lets not or lets sabotage shit. He’s just telling her he thinks it’s best to focus on their rocket. So her response is to tare into him. If you want to insure you’ll push someone to potentially wanting to betray you. Treat them like a threat instead of calmly responding. But I get it. Just odd in the movies context is all. But it shows she, like all the other women in this, are in control of the situation and handling things.

Speaking of handling things, Dr Nichols is surfing her way past…well no sharks actually. She’s got a good lead on them all and is enjoying herself it seems. I don’t blame her as para-surfing looks really fun. So she’s made it to her destination. I am not sure how she knows she made it to her destination directly above the underwater volcano. But she does. So it’s time to launch the device.

Which also means. It’s time to ready that rocket. It’s really interesting how a cataclysmic change can suddenly boost productivity.

Will it work is the big question. Yes it works.

Was it sabotaged by male scientist? No it was not.

The missile is ready to go. The device was installed properly and in good working order. But it still needs to be manually triggered. More importantly however. There is a danger. The systems have booted up just fine. The device is working just fine. It will need to be activated by command. Which means using a computer and an open communications line. However they need to sever communications lines. Because when this thing goes off. The energy from the blast and…the rocket. Apparently the surge will transfer through to whatever is connected to that open line and will likely kill whoever is there activating the device. Like I said earlier. Someone’s going to sacrifice themselves.

There’s a lot wrong with this plan actually. Not just the fact someone will die when the device is activated. But also the fact that much energy going through the volcano and the shockwaves it will draw. It will form tsunami waves and put everyone at risk. But at least they will have killed the alpha shark and less than a single percent of the shark population.

But enough about that.

It’s time to see if our heroes succeed!

Well the sky laser is a success. They were able to activate the HAARP and trigger the laser needed to target the device and wake up the volcano to begin its eruption. They almost didn’t have it for a few minutes. Which worried doctor scientist lady because she was beginning to wonder if male scientist was secretly going to sabotage things. Which again. He did not. He did everything he was supposed to. He just needs to aim the laser so it hits the device and triggers it. Otherwise all is lost. No pressure.

Well he is doing his best and….manages to succeed! That’s the power of science!

How

Ever

All of the time taken to aim this sky laser which is burning up what’s left of earths atmosphere. Is generating crap tons of energy. And they still have yet to sever the connection. This was the danger we spoke of earlier. And why lead scientist doctor lady Shaw told them they needed to cut off all links to Valvoline presents Vestron station.

Well it is too late now. Thankfully our science man was able to direct the laser to its target with the aid of two very old all in one bubble shaked iMac’s. So its time to disconnect and save everyone from death! Which they do. But may not have saved someone! The lady doctor scientist who earlier worried he might sabotage the mission has been knocked down and possibly dead after severing the connection herself once it was safe to do so. Well, as safe as could be. We will hope she didn’t die.

So now we get the grand spectacle of the volcano opening up. It’s hilarious. Not because of poor CGI. No not at all. It’s hilarious because We see sharks casually strolling along, then BOOM. It’s like watching a Rolland Emmerich film made by a shark. The ocean floor around the volcano begins crackling and breaking. The floor LITERALLY is lava. All that’s kissing is dramatic music and shark shops being blown away. A baby shark dropping its human shaped treat and looking up to see a large cloud of destruction waves coming toward it.

Actually we sorta get that funnily enough. Between poorly CGI’d stones underwater and fire plumes. We get sharks exploding into balls of chunky blood fire. A huge cloud eruption in the sky. Countless hundreds of sharks are being killed. And up top humans have to deal with the after effects of what they’ve done.

Which means, Tsunami.

Yep.

The one thing that worried our radio DJ. The one thing they were sure of would happen. Could happen. Did happen. Happened.

But enough about that.

Remember doctor science lady who was possibly killed by the disconnection of the lines? She’s alive! Yes praise Xenu she lives. Just in time to possibly die by tsunami. But maybe not! They are already formulating a survival plan. Possibly a plan for all of humanity, or at least one that’ll offer simple solutions in the next 20 minutes.

So what of our doomed heroes?

Well Barrick is going to do his bestest as a great captain man of the sea. With his trust filthy boat. They’re going to charge directly into the tsunami. In hopes of clearing the wave and not dying. This actually is something ships have and do attempt in order to escape possibly being destroyed or flipped over. Its never assured, but its still a good chance at survival. So we shall hope for the best. Obviously. Honestly one of the better and truly scarier versions of this was in the film The perfect Store. It was during a huge storm in the middle of the night, with flashes of thunder, you could barely make out the monster of a wave headed for them and it was incredibly tense.

This however is not. But its still a surprisingly well done scene. Good job movie.

Yes our heroes survive. This isn’t a movie where they all die and get devoured by a giant shark.

But enough about that.

We’ve forgotten someone we need to check in on have we not?

If you guessed Dr Nichols, then you’ve been watching along or paying attention to these ramblings. So what ever happened to her after she planted the device and sailed off into the sunset? Well she’s still surf sailing along the water But lurking not far behind. And in fact now stalking her for her part to play in the death of many shark bros. Is none other than the did not get blown up by the eruption Hanna tattoo faced alpha shark. That’s right. They’re still out there and ticked off in a super bad way. Well fortunately our dear Dr Nichols is well versed in surf boards and flying. Well at least she is until the shark after several flying attemps manages to take the board out from under her. Will she die?! Will we lose one of our lead women?

Pause for dramatic effect.

Wait for it.

No. She doesn’t die. She lived. She managed to swim to safety and behold! Our friends on their boat were able to locate her and get her onboard. Saving her! Hurrah! Hurrah for days!

Well saving her isn’t enough however. We also had an earlier task in the film no one cared to do which needs doing. Is it important? Not really but as the Hakaguri teaches us, treat all task big or small with the same level of importance. So Dr. Shaw shall do so. As our alpha shark surfaces to take a snap at everyone on the boat. Dr science lady Shaw. Stabs at it with a tracking device.

Remember? From the beginning of the film? She wanted to tag sharks to follow them? Well now she has. So her list of things to do is now pretty complete. Shame the same can’t be said of everyone else.

Okay so quick recap.

We launched and successfully detonated the HAARP device and caused a large scale shark genocide with the volcanic eruption under water.

We caused a massive Tsunami taking out countless human floating cities and capsizing boats.

We also crippled Vestron city with our laser blast leaving the station sinking, powerless and unstable.

We managed as well to not kill the lead shark who still has a way of sending out a signal to control the other sharks making everything we did pointless.

So yeah things are not going well and our track record is likely not to get us any recommendations later on.

Now we need a plan to salvage this film, save the world, and end things on an upbeat note. But how? We have very little left, our city is sinking. There’s no power to launch the rocket, and we only have 11 minutes of film left!!!

If ever there was a time to panic. THIS IS IT!!

Well with a room full of scientist and doctors. There is surely a plan to be formulated, without the need of a montage hopefully as well too.

AND THERE IS! Dr. Shaw has a plan.

If you have anything left in your glass, or bowl. Now is the time to finish it and grab another. I’ll wait. Because this plan is going to ask a lot from us. But it’s just crazy enough to work. It’s also just crazy enough to sound pants crapping insane.

Dr Shaw begins to lay out the ground work for her insanity, it begins as thus.

“So the fact that our shark is broadcasting electromagnetic signals to a shark that can detect it from distances, I mean. It must have a very powerful electro-transmitting organ. Now this is what my sensor picked up. A series of pulses that completely overwhelm our sensors. I mean we’re talking about kilojoules of energy here. “

To which science doctor man with a still in tact bowtie responds, to make sure he is understanding her intent. “You want to jumpstart the rocket by using the power from a shark? Come on!”

So to get this straight. A rocket, the size of a NASA we are going to space rocket. Which requires crapatons to launch it. Can’t get enough power from a huge boat, connected with batteries on the station before it sinks. Put this shark is a nuclear fountain of power! Okay cool fuck it why not. Yolo.

So operation Yolo is underway. We DO get a montage of sorts and a shark powering device is created and placed on the rocket. It’s nearly go time. But we need something. This movie needs something it hasn’t had. That Bad CGI Sharks told us all great movies need.

A romance!

We don’t especially get one, just a nice smooch moment as Doctor bowtie decides this is a now or never moment and he’s going to plant a smooch on the lady who accused him of possibly questioning science and possibly sabotaging the rocket! And she’s into it! In fact she grabs him and pulls him back to give him a kiss of her own!

Well now that we got that check marked. It is time for our final showdown. And oh sweet lord is this a showdown to remember.

Dr. Shaw has been armed with two charged metal poles. A positive and negatively charged pole to turn the shark into a battery. Imagine a potato clock and you get it.

So, remember earlier with the Belters and their shark dance? The rhythmic pounding and chanting before the attack? Yep. Its now Shaws turn. She’s got her cloves on, her electro poles and she’s stomping them into the metal flooring calling out the shark. The shark may not be the John Cena of the sea. But it is definitely the Sable diva of Planet of the Sharks. She answers the call and charges Shaw! Leaping right into the trap they set to cage and super charge her. Which they do. Gloriously.

She slams those post right into the shark and sure enough. It begins powering that rocket. Well fuck my life how about that.

The rocket launches just as their shark battery collapses back into the water. It’s all in the hands of science now. Science be praised!. Or not because the unthinkable is about to happen. Our fearless leader. Out strong island woman who has masterminded plans that mostly destroyed the earth and ensured many more countless deaths with the possibility of also drying up the ocean turning the world into a dry abyss. She has died….sadly.

Yes as she swims back to the safety of the dock. Our living shark battery has located her and turned her into a snack she eats angrily. I honestly did not expect they’d kill Shaw but here we are. This is no she will come back at the end. It’s not a trick. We see tons of blood, and the shark very angrily chomps her down to make a point of how mad she is at everything this woman has done.

Well lady scientist second in command Nichols is ready to step up to the challenge. I would ask you now to stop the movie, lower the volume, look up on youtube or Alexa a song by Thor titled ‘We accept the challenge’, play this over the next few scenes. We are right at 1 hour and 21 minutes 30 seconds in this movie. Ready that song and press play on both. It will help. Or not. Just listen it’s a great song and awesome band.

So now with  Shaw gone, the rocket launched. It’s time to take care of the sharks. Now if you recall, they mentioned earlier different signals transmitted to the sharks helping the shark to lead the others. Telling them what to attack, coordinating them. Well our scientist recorded those patterns once they began tracking the shark, and now? Now she’s ready to use them against that Alpha mega bitch of a shark! She begins using her laptop to transmit those signals and sure as Ceaser’s ghost. It works! Little sharks are attacking the alpha shark! She can’t believe it is happening.  No one can! But it is!. Though Alpha mega mama shark is fighting them off and trying to regain control of her army. Mind you all of this is happening while a super stoned Barrick watches on. Seriously the guy loosk completely in a different place of mind. But I know it’s also because he’s looking at something that doesn’t exist so. We spare him.

But the transmitter isn’t working! The shark is over powering it because it’s power levels are over 9000! All is doomed, they are doomed. OH THE HUGE MANITY!

But we have one last plan. Operation Kitchen Sink.

Barrick needs to end this all before the coming age of sand and praying for water. So he starts his boat off at full speed, aiming it toward Valvoline station. He grabs lady scientist. Forgetting everyone else and leaps off into the shark infested water just as his shop slams into the station. Just like that his ship is removed in post. A digital effects artist renders sample explosions and we get the best looking(for the budget) explosion and fire money can buy. Complete with plastic gloss pieces of boat. A shot of fire with sinking chunks of boat. Its all super dramatic and epic at the same time. Especially if you did as I suggested and still have that song playing. Once it finished you may return the volume back to its proper level and off your Pornhub audio settings. We know you have them. We all do.

So the giant mutated alpha mega bitch mama shark is dead. Blown up and her army depleted. The sharks resume their lives, swimming eating fish and humans, and making more sharks. All of them carrying the scars and broken dreams of the empire that nearly was. The age of the shark is no more. The shark will not rise again.

As for that rocket ship? Well it did it’s job. And it actually didn’t dry up the world. There’s still water. But it’s a good deal more manageable now. We end 6 months later. With Barrick and crew aboard a new ship. Sailing through Manhattan and showing a vast landscape of towering skyscrapers and the statue of liberty. The end.

I did not hate this movie. It was fun. Entertaining and the right kind of Asylum film. As much as people wet themselves laughing at Birdemic? That movie was truly bad. I don’t feel it deserves the acclaim it generated. But it is good as a one off thing. Not so much The room Midnight showing thing. Some Asylum films aren’t as fun as this. They can be the bad kind of cheese.

It’s really like buying a frozen lasagna. Deciding you’ll put it in the oven because nothing else sounds good and maybe this will hit the spot. So you cook it, it smells okay. The top looks pretty good and cheesy. But when you cut a slice you notice it’s a bit water at the bottom. It can happen but maybe its okay. Let’s wait till we taste it. Then you taste it, the top cheese is okay. It’s not bad. Sauce is thin but alright. However the ricotta is a bit chunky and not really good. In fact you question if it actually expired. So you get rid of it and hope the rest of the night won’t be an event spent in the bathroom.

It's a bit far to go I know but you know it be true.

Finding good cheesy films and low budget is a quest and often times you can rely on one brand to always supply just the right amount of cheese. But even they put out things that are a bit below the bar of acceptable trash. Like SRS. They’ve put out Bad CGI Shark as well as one of our earlier favorites Virus Shark and Sharks of the Corn. But they also put out some turds as well.

Thankfully this one ends up in the good part of the pool and there’s not much to hate on.

Sure the CGI could be better. Yes it’d be nice to watch something you don’t have to keep assuring your better half ISN’T porn anytime they pass by and see the actors. But its still right in line with solid B entertainment.

The start however. The first 20 or so minutes really did jump around a lot. It moved a bit too quickly to try and pull double duty of setting out our cities and the story. Which even then they had to eventually get too and we initially were more in a series of reaction shots eventually leading us to the unraveling of the main plot. It was surprising and a little sad that Belter lady was made to look so badass and promising as a potential baddie or just tough lady killed off too early. But that was their intent. Give us a badass you think is over selling their badassdom and will have many kick ass moments. Only to erase them and show you no one is safe. Even big billy badass got taken down.

I mean hell even Shaw got taken down and she got a great moment in the end of her own kickass self. It sucks they died but again, still very fun and entertaining.

Something I hadn’t really addressed before with these films, I think. I mean good lord I’ve written nearly 200 pages over 13 days here. But I don’t feel I’ve addressed really. Has been the gore.

So many people put a staple behind what they believe is ‘Good horror’, just like what makes “Good shark films.” They always end up listing that the films should carry a hard R rating and lots of bloody kills. A lot of fans feel the film is ruined if its not R rated because then you get no cussing, no nudity, and likely no gore what so ever.

I’m not even talking gorehound levels. I just mean like say Shark Zone. That had some decent kills and a lot of blood. Even just pure gore at some moments. It was rated R. This was rated for TV. It had zero gore and was just as entertaining. And funny because you actually are seeing people being told to fall back into the water or jump into it and then they cgi a shark poorly over them, with no blood effects, no nothing. Just a shark cut and pasted over them. Yes it looks silly as hell. But your laughing and enjoying it.

A lot of these I’ve watched were missing levels of gore that Shark Zone took the film into. I’m not a gore hound so I can’t judge a film poorly because every inch of a room isn’t lathered in blood and guts. I’ve seen movies because people claimed they were the goriest thing ever made and found it was ‘okay’, While films like, well I hate to use a tired comparison but. Texas Chainsaw massacre. It was labeled the most bloodiest film. The people who made it said they used less than a full dixie cup of fake blood for the entire film. But people remember it in their mind as being the bloodiest thing because of everything you saw happening.

You want a better example of good without being gorey?

The mother of all shark movies Jaws was PG. Well PG-13.

You had blood, severed head, torn limbs. Chomping bloody deaths. Exploding shark. And its universally loved. The damn thing is part of the reason I will still to this day not go swimming in the ocean. The most you get me, if your lucky is up to my knees. Which is still more than enough for a sand shark but that’s beside the point.

For me if a shark film has gore? Yay, cool. It’s a treat, not a feature or deal breaker. If they use practical effects? It’s a surprise. An expensive one because yeah, even if outdated by some. It still takes a lot to have it made, and especially have it work in water conditions. I don’t need to see limbs torn off for it to be scary or gory. That comes off as excessive at times.

When you start digging into how films are made. What goes into them and why certain decisions are made for budget and run times. You gain a bit of appreciation and learn as well what to expect. Which makes surprises in the films memorable. CGI is used because its cheaper. It doesn’t always have to

Weta levels of good. It’s usually done fast and cheap. To get the film out faster. And not everyone can afford it. It may not look the greatest but it does its job and helps you tell your story. Yes you absolutely can laugh at it and not mock the filmmaker. It just adds to the enjoyment of. Like I said and keep saying. Even a bad movie can be good. If you laughed, for whatever reason, you still enjoyed it.

I know even when I mention films I made my sister watch or she trusted me would be good and instead haunt her. She might sigh dramatically. But she still will admit it was ‘okay’.

You don’t need buckets of blood to make a film memorable or good. You don’t need top notch effects and photorealistic cgi either. Just have a good story. Even Marty McFly said it best, The shark still looks fake.

Dive on in and check this one out. You don’t need any excuse to enjoy it. I generally feel you’d have fun with it. It’s got a good cast of characters. Yes it looks like a porno but I swear it’s not. You’ll laugh and it’ll make cheap beer taste good. That’s the best I think I can give of a compliment to this.

It’s not the best by far. But it will definitely make cheap beer taste good.

Until next time.