SHARK-A-THON!!! Day 12 Shark Hunter!!!

Day 12 Shark Hunter

I am going to give a trigger warning before this review, for your own sake and mental health safety.

This film stars Antonio Sabato Jr. I have no care in this world for what his characters name is. He will be referred to by his full name for the entirety of this review. If this scares you, or fills you with an uncomfortable feeling of needing to be warmed by the fireplace with a glass of merlot, a bear skin rug and the company of Antonio Sabato Jr. It is perfectly natural. But not everyone is ready to accept that. So you have been warned.

Also this is a film about a Megalodon shark. One of natures truly more interesting sharks that would be so totally AWESOME to find still alive and swimming today.

Which it isn’t, unfortunately.

Unless you go into the mariana trench. Trust me on this.

So I vaguely recall seeing this box art floating around and having passed it a few times, in the before times. In the long long ago, back when I was in my twenties. Back before I was polishing the barrel of the loaded shotgun aimed at me called being in your 40’s.

So we are here and ready to bring into our lives the glory, the mistake, the future of the next hour and a half of our lives. Shark Hunter.

Shark Hunter

Tagline: Danger in the Deep

Synopsis: The megalodon shark. A prehistoric killing machine 60 feet long, flashing 200 pounds of teeth and weighing over 20 tons. It's the deadliest predator the world has ever seen. The scientists say it's been extinct for more than 10,000 years. The scientists are wrong. In the darkness of the deep, an underwater research station has been viciously destroyed. Now a tough team of daring divers led by Spencer Northcutt is taking an experimental sub to war. It's killer instinct vs. sophisticated technology, deadly jaws vs. harpoon tipped torpedoes, mega-shark vs. modern man in this thrilling extreme deep sea fight to the death.

That is a mouthful right there. But there it is, and here we are.

Let’s hit that late 90’s mystery music and begin.

Seriously we start out with some synth and FL studio drum machine beats I forgot were in a lot of 90’s direct to video stuff. But more importantly. We begin with a weird family film. I do mean weird. I was almost convinced this would end up being like one of the recordings from Sinister. I may or may not have paused a great deal searching for Bagul and waiting for the family mass death scene. One of these I did find but it could also be the alcohol. We’ll get back to you on that.

But yes, from splices of a family film shot on Hi8 and cuts of a Meg shark and station, that’s our opening credits. Does it tell us anything about the story? Not yet but I am sure it will have a pay off later on. God I hope so.

Oh hey look at that it is already paying off. We join this family on a sail boat, at the dead of night. Enjoying dinner. In the fog. By lantern light. The son is understandably shitting himself with fear, especially when something unseen bumps the boat and his father tries calming him by telling him it’s just something unseen but definitely there, and very likely to kill you if you get too close to the edge.

So typical parenting.

Well don’t worry little jimmy brown pants is going to be just fine. Who isn’t fine however is his family. Yes their boat was knocked by a big Megalodon shark. Yes his dad is comically destroyed by the shark as is the mom. It’s not meant to be funny but it’s pretty damn funny. The wife is cheerfully calling for the dad to come down into the boat to help with the dishes, so he goes off to help. While our boy stares off into the dark of the water and soon spots a giant fin. A fin racing toward them. He tried calling out for his father, who pops his head out from under the boat just as cheerful as can be. Before things go tits up and the boat is tossed. Destroyed off screen by the shark, leaving our little hero alone with a life raft. Floating in the middle of the ocean.

And that boy who shat himself heroically and survived in the middle of the ocean at night in the fog? Antonio Sabato Jr.

Whom we now meet as he gives a lecture and stops midway through as he stares off into the classroom recalling that tragic night awkwardly in front of students. He’s giving a class on deep water exploration and the importance of these specialty subs to explore depths and bring back answers to what all the hell could be down there waiting for us. Like a megalodon, or Cthulu. The possibilities of terror are endless and he wants to discover them all. So say we all.

Well once he is brought back to the reality that he is world class professor Antonio Sabato Jr. a man comes in to his class and notifies him of some tragic news. A project he was aiming for and meant to lead, is now being picked up by another group. So his super deep exploration sub, The SS Sabato chub sub is going to set sail without him. This angers him greatly as the company doing so has shown no care for taking time to perfect things. This is all of course going somewhere you can tell.

Actually a lot of it was up for interpretation as the lines of dialog were mumbled and a lot of it you had to sort of piece together.

Well enough of this hoopla. We got a shark movie to get too. So now we get something really horribly low budget and fun. I do mean fun too. In the worst sense possible.

The underwater deep sea station, is about to be assaulted by the Megalodon. It is glorious and a fun look at filmmaking shortcuts.

I do not say that in a “oh look at these turd burglars” way. Oh no. It’s just a fun look at what you do to achieve certain shots in films.

This is a combination of early bad cgi meets practical sets and effects. When looking at the station it’s a really bad low quality render. But when looking at the divers working along the outside of the station? It’s very clearly guys in dive suits not underwater. But moving like there’s moon gravity. With a little cgi debris effect added. It’s kinda fun when you first notice it and realize why it looks so odd compared to other films shot under water. You also can really tell when they’re arc welding and you see sparks freely flying around from the arc but not slowed down or, well like they would appear under water.

All of that is combined with reactionary shots from some of the actors who get attacked by a giant, early 2000’s cgi megalodon shark. Who after chomping some poor nameless humans decides to pull a Jaws 3 on the station in the name of sharks rights and preserving the ocean. So the station is destroyed off screen and all seems lost.

Which is fine. Everything is fine.

Because now we get to return to the holder of our hearts, Antonio Sabato Jr. As he wolfs down a salad snarling and lapping up wine from his glass with the elegant delicacy of a bulldog at a water dish.

His friend who broke his dreams earlier with the news of his chub sub. Returns to tell him about the destruction of the station. In the most awkward way humanly possible.

Let’s go over this and maybe find out if it is just me, and I am unfamiliar with normal human social encounters. Or if this really is awkward and the wrong way to handle a dire situation, yes? Okay.

So this man. Comes and tells soul protector Antonio Sabato Jr, that the entire station was destroyed. No survivors. It was immediately decompressed. Killing everyone. All they know, all they have to go by. Is that something ‘big’ hit it, and the last image on sonar displays something ‘big’, and unidentifiable. He tells him this while getting lost in the valley that is Antonio Sabato Jr’s eyes. And from there? He is having a fine wine dinner with him, and introducing Antonio Sabato Jr to his new girlfriend, telling anecdotes about how giant fish do not exist.

If I told you an new born orphanage was attacked by the sudden escape of 30 dingos from the Dingo preserve directly across from the orphanage and how 18 infants were now dead or missing along with the dingos. Then said lets go get some Olive Garden I’ve got a deep need for some garlic bread sticks. I’d imagine you might have a what the hell is wrong with you expression.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with wanting bread sticks. Maybe its just the need to take those breadsticks and dunk them in the bottom of the salad bowl to get that dressing on them that’s driving our hunger and never minding 18 infants.

At any rate. Man god Antonio Sabato Jr is done with these games. He wants to know what the deal is. He’s told people died and a under sea station is destroyed, then he’s wined and dined and told there is no such thing as giant fish. After being told a giant something under water attacked the station killing everyone. He wants answers damnit! Frankly we all do at this point.

What’s odder, is that this friend goes from telling a story about how divers thought they found a monster catfish but it turned out to be a sunken car with the water current moving the hood up and down like a mouth. So therefor monster fish don’t exist. To then telling human angel Antonio Sabato Jr that he’s reaching, when trying to explain the stations destruction and a large blip on their sonar as possibly a submarine, a seismic shift, anything OTHER THAN A GIANT FISH!

It's giving off more and more of an impression either this man is actively fucking with him, or he needs to seriously work on his communication as well as deciding what lane he wants to drive in with this conversation and his intentions versus riding the center lane during rush hour.

Oh and to add to this, he ends the entire conversation with telling the Oxford Dictionaries poster child for beauty Antonio Sabato Jr that, “You got your wish, as of now you are going on your sub. They want answers now, not later.”

Confused? Good, that’s where we need to be right now, 34 minutes into your movie. You need your audience wondering if they need to slow down the bong rips and eat more sour patch kids.

So we make it onto the Suber Sabato chub sub and it is, a thing of low budget glory. Flat black pained walls, Styrofoam inserts painted and used for paneling and pvc tubes to make it look cool. He’s as happy as as a man could be waking up realizing they are Antonio Sabato Jr. We get a tour of this super chub sub and it’s hilariously wonderful. It’s the size of an aircraft carrier with a command center, a mini submersible sub. So a sub within a sub. Subception. There’s of course a lab and research center as well. Steve Zissou would be proud. The thing is massive and I am hoping will serve as a fun set. I don’t believe it’ll be taking on the megalodon head on. But we can always hope.

The crew is naturally torn between welcoming Antonio Sabato Jr aboard, and some questioning his qualifications. As well as another confusing character. His friends dinner date at the previous evenings scene.

She didn’t have much interaction at the dinner date. She just listened to his friend telling his monster fish story. Chuckled a bit, drank entirely too much wine and came off as, well a date.

So when the walking adonis Antonio Sabato Jr enters her lab. He is taken back seeing her there. She immediately confronts him with the classic “What? When you saw me did you think I was just some pretty face fawning over a professor? I am a well read intelligent and super science lady so back off!” It’s just so…weird. But then again this film and how it conveys events and characters is. Weird. So yes. Apparently our hero Antonio Sabato Jr thought she was a no one in a pretty dress made to impress and drink wine. Even though he seemed genuinely pleasant to her.

Well never mind all that noise. We got some exploring to do in this movie. He built this sub and now he’s gonna explore…the decompressed destroyed station. Which means, more fun in moonwalk underwater with no water!

It’s just really. God it’s hilariously fun.

When you are under water, there are two constants that film teach us to expect. Bubbles which show you are getting oxygen. And debris. From being on the ocean floor, and well. The ocean is just filthy with it.

So as there is no water, it’s a bit…difficult to always have bubbles of some kind going, so they stick with debris. They stick with debris so much. That it begins piling up on the actors dive suit like snow. On everything. His shoulders. His mask. His tank. His arms. The set pieces. His light. We’re not talking little flakes here and there. We are talking a snow storm of debris. I’m still applauding them for using this to fake underwater. But I also feel restraint can be helpful in selling your illusions. Unless you planned to turn the ocean into a snow globe.

So as Antonio Sabato Cousteau explores the wreckage of the state. We discover a floating body. Sharks teeth the size of your hand and-SHARK TEETH THE SIZE OF YOUR HAND?! That’s our record scratch moment, as well as the perfect time for a cheesy line. This time it’s “I think, we’ve bitten off more than we can chew.”

We need some comedy here, Well not especially but we’re getting it anyway, even as its unintentional.

First, we have Antonio Sabato Jr, known for being crazy in his field because he claims as a child to have been attacked by an extinct species of shark. He’s since then devoted his live to its existence despite being called crazy. He’s then sent down onto a sub station he built to investigate a stations destruction and the presence of an Unknown species attack. We have images of a giant shape on a radar. A friend who tells him giant fish don’t exist, but gets mad when he doesn’t suggest it could be a giant fish. And now a giant shark tooth is found. There is no living shark that a tooth that size could come from, other than a megalodon.

So angel eyes Antonio Sabato Jr is in his lab studying. His friend approaches and ask him, okay. What do we got. So he tells him. “I have your answer. Check it out. Boom” and he shows his friend pictures of a megalodon.

His friend. The man who told him giants don’t exist. Scolded him for trying to claim anything other than a giant fish attacked the station. Hearing this. Calls him crazy! Calls him obsessed with believing that extinct creatures are still alive and well when they are not! He even teases lady scientist that she needs to help prove to him that this is bullshit and he is crazy. He walks off with a Tommy Wiseau laugh and leaves Patron Saint Antonio Sabato Jr to discuss the meg tooth with science lady.

Now hold onto this. Because directly after this? DIRECTLY. AFTER. Antonionionio Sabato Jr, returns to his friend. Tells him again, this is a Meg shark. It totes could exist. AND HE BELIEVES HIM!!

What in the actual fuck is going on here?!

Not even joking when I say this, but it reminds me of meeting in person Tommy Wiseau. He sat and chatted with a lot of people and it was incredibly fun and memorable. For many reasons. One of which was this direct conversation he had with a man beside me. This man worked for a phone company I will not name. But he was telling Tommy about it because of the ‘potential’ it had for making quality movies in the palm of your hand. Tommy’s response was, and I remember it to this DAY, “Nooo I don’t care, I have phone. It works and I have the camera to do film with. I don’t want a new phone, I don’t care for phones and camera phones no I don’t want it….so tell me about the phone ah?”

This man. His friend in this film. Is doing in this movie, what Tommy Wiseau does in real life. “No giant sharks don’t exist. That’s stupid, I won’t believe it. I never saw a giant shark, your lying! Okay lets find your giant shark I believe you.”

Your telling a story. You are taking us with you on this story. But man I would love it if they just took a moment to make sure everyone is on the same page before going to the next chapter. It’s a brisk walk through this movie and if you stop to take any pictures, you’ll have to play catch up with the group.

But again, I will say kudos to set design. I know it’s dumb but. I really do love cheesy sets like this. I grew up watching movies like CREATURE, Battle Beyond the Stars and. Well a lot of crap. So seeing a mega sub that’s done up just like a space ship, Knowing thre are egg crates painted black for paneling. It’s entertaining and part of something I enjoy seeing in these movies.

Speaking of it’s worthy to note. The ‘tooth’ he found? The proof of a meg? It’s a fossil they made a mold of and didn’t fully prep. The back of the tooth? Is matt black. The rest of it is almost painted to match the fossil. In fact I’d almost be willing to bed they could’ve used an already made fake tooth and the back. Which aside being painted black, is also flat. Could’ve been mounted to something. It’s still more effort than most today do.

Moving on. Siren of the sea, Antonio Sabato Jr is roaming his chub sub and discovers something he apparently did not anticipate or put on his supply list when he bult it. Torpedoes. Surely this will not come into use later. He said while giving a raised eye and nudge.

The scene really only serves to further show us that some of the crew still doesn’t trust him. Or his whacky big shark theory. Fortunately they don’t sway back and forth on the I do/I don’t scale for where they stand like some do. But otherwise we are free to move on with our story as we are approaching its mid section. Which means only good things await us the closer we get to the end.

We also learn a very interesting fact. Something to ponder actually.Was this really all built for the film? Or was it pirated from another film.

I ask this because Like most subs.They use hatches for doors. The doors are either oval and use a traditional circular locking mechanism to secure the hatch doors. Or they are huge bulky doors with a metal crossbar lock.

However this thing also has, automated futuristic sliding double doors. It also has doors that look ripped right out of ALIENS. Even the effects noise for these doors is dead on the same.  Now I’m not complaining. Just genuinely curious as I noticed this, as well as other elements of the subs design. There are nautical themed accessories and machinery. Large tubing used for the passing of fuel, air and water. Things you’d generally expect to see on a sub. However their control room, nagivations room. Quarters, a few others. They are more designed like a space ship. The earlier mentioned egg crate paneling. Circuit boards. Just. A lot of it looks like something completely different versus say a meshing of the two. So, food for thought.

I also am taking the time to toss this all out there because nearly 50 minutes in and there is nothing going on. It is casual Friday on a sub meant to explore the depths of the ocean and track down our megalodon. But don’t yawn just yet. Science lady has some shark science to lay out on us. Complete with rendered examples of everything she will talk about.

Which is a brief overview of sharks. But mostly the ones who relate directly to the megalodon. She discusses how the meg and these sharks all have a lateral line that works as a network of neuro maps and canals, that can detect external motion. Which help them  to point out or identify predators and potential pray up to around 100 miles away. Fish let off little…electrical fields, pulses. That other fish can pick up on more so sharks with their ampullae that detect these fields put out by all fish and pray. Coupled with a sharks directional sense of smell that can detect 1 part blood in a 100 parts water. It’s all sharks need to hunt, track and kill potential pray.

We needed to know this because. Well I am honestly not sure. It’s basic of any shark and one sitting of Shark Week will teach you this. But it’s not really proving that helpful to them. It doesn’t give them an edge, or grounds to build a plan using this information to trap it.

One thing we do learn that I was not at all aware of interestingly enough? Is that Mandarine oranges sound like potato chips when you ear them. The one crewman who has a hardon for hating baby faced Antonio Sabato Jr, is eating a mandarin orange and making a huge mess. But every time he drops a slice into his mouth. It sounds like he’s crunching on Pringles. It’s….weird.

Oh and yes. We are not going to kill the Meg. No. That is off the table.

Why is that?

Well, our friend who on again off again believes in the shark. He has determined that. If said shark exist. Which it does for now. Then we must capture it. Study it, learn all we can from it, and anything else potentially helpful. And money making. But to kill it? We cannot let Antonio Sabato Jr. take out his vengeance on this shark!

That’s actually his words. He doesn’t want to kill the shark. More specifically have the man Antonio Sabato Jr kill it. Because this will be his way of finally after all these years getting his revenge for the death of his parents.

Which I mean, he kind of has a point. The man did design a Megalodon sized submarine to hunt the ocean floor AND it is armed with torpedo bays so. I mean.

But yes. No revenge killing for saintly Antonio Sabato Jr. Only capture.

Speaking of. This is now their plan.

Not just the capture of the meg. But they believe they can actually. You’ll need something to help get this down. But. They may have a way. To drag, the shark. Back to where it came.

They will drag the shark.

How?

They have a harness. They will make a harness? There is a harness, with which they can potentially. In a plan not meant to fail at all. Harness the shark in, and use the might and power of Televisions charismatic golden boy Antonio Sabato Jr chub sub to drag this leviathan of the deep. Back to its home.

Surely. This. Can’t. Possibly. Fail.

But  they need to fit this harness around the shark. So who would be daring enough to do so? To go out there, making a potential target of themselves. To harness this thing? Our angry with Antonio Sabato Jr crewman that’s who. Because he’s aggressive. The most aggressive submarine pilot they have in fact.

So the best way they can do this is as follows. They will chum the water. Because we just learned what blood will do for sharks. Bring the shark out, albeit very hungry and thirsting for blood. Then they will….drop the mini sub, piloted by angry man. Which will then act as a distraction. While the main subs navigator will fire spears into the shark. Spears which have tranquilizers in them. And spears that will fire toe cables to act as the harness.

Yeah…

So good plan, it’ll work. It sounds. Solid. And of course they would have giant spears, for no reason. Which would hold enough tranq in them to take out a shark over 80 feet in length. Again not at all like it was a planned murder machine by Antonio Sabato Jr.

Yeah no this plan was horrible. It goes so so horribly wrong. They needed to double think this idea and triple check the science on it.

Oddly enough there is almost a similar plan in the later made movie The MEG. Only their plan actually made a bit more sense.

The tranquilizers did not work. The towing cable they attached to the shark managed to give the shark a way to drag the submarine and do far more damage to them than it did to the shark. Which is usually acceptable to those working to help the animals. Not so much a helpful thing when you are in a tube under water that you depend on to work and keep you alive.

So this game is easily being won by the shark. Which I mean isn’t entirely that horrible, I also should note I am on team shark.

It’s also a good time to point out the effects work underwater for the mini sub is adorable. The launching of the mini sub and how it connects to the sub looks like something right out of Mystery Science Theater. It’s adorable. The cgi on the shark is still that same late 90’s you did your best cgi. And it’s also the one time everything looks like its under water. Because the bulk of the movies budget went into these rendered scenes which take place under water.

Honestly its really weird. Because the shots of the shark on its own, like up close? Really do appear almost better if not an actual step above how it appears in the rest of the movie. Any time its swimming or in proximity to the mini sub. It looks kinda bad. But on its own. It works, somehow.

Now, the big question. Does anyone die? Do we lose our angry crewman? No we don’t surprisingly. We do however lose a dumbass who decided these words they spoke, which where their last. Did not at all give them pause or warning, “The mini sub is approaching for docking. Like, really fast. Wow he’s moving fast. I should see them by now but…I don’t. They aren’t slowing down. Wait I think…AAAAAHH” and the shark launched itself up the open water port for the mini sub and chomps the man down. No blood or gore. Though we do get some red water after. Was this made for tv? Maybr, but I don’t know for sure.

But fortunately he is our only casualty, as Sir Antonio Sabato Jr is responsible for saving his life. Managing to shoot a tow cable into his sub and draw it back to the safety of the chub sub before the shark could eat it. So a victory for Antonio Sabato Jr, and a new friend for angry crewman.

So, with the submarine damaged. Moral low, and an 80 foot prehistoric shark having the time of its life. We need a new plan.

Antonio Sabato Jr, offers up his plan. Which he just came up with. Calleed Operation Blow this fucker up and Avenge my haunted past.

His friend is against this. Because they are scientist. There must be another way! But then he is okay with it. Naturally.

The only person not on board with Operation Blow this fucker up and Avenge my haunted past, is science lady. She believes it is their duty as scientist to keep the shark alive, it could advance marine biology my decades. Bring in an era of new medical finds and who knows what else. But the men are talking and they tell her three out of the four of us agree to kill this thing with our just happens to be on board torpedoes. Pluss they have no tools on board to study the shark and take it in peacefully. Even though they just said they did 20 minutes ago. Again it makes little to no sense how they jump this quickly from yes, no, maybe so. But why change things now.

So we’re going to kill the shark now.

Unless there’s another option.

So we’re going to kill the shark with the option to save it. While arming our explode on impact torpedoes. Mounted to the mini chub sub, piloted by master and commander Antonio Sabato Jr.

This is our final showdown folks.

We are going to kill this prehistoric death machine. Unless we can save it. So let the death clock start ticking.

It is the most intense game of cat and mouse  since Wrath of Khan .

In fact it is exactly like Wrath of Khan, the water is so cloudy Antonio Sabato Jr can’t see it, or anything. Neither can science lady from the spotting room of the submarine.

Until she does!!

The shark cares not for the mini chub. It wants the full hog! So its nudging and nuzzling the submarine. Which is mildly arousing and worrying. People have the weirdest boner right now I assure you.

I’m trying to make it more exciting for those not watching because what you get is the most closest visual definition for ‘meh’ in their chase. Which isn’t really the fault of the story, or the film. It’s just the reality of the time that. You are trying to have a battle between submarines. Which is already difficult to shoot and make look good. So you do what films like Das Boot did. Which is you show and create tension inside the ship. Add some explosions and the submarine being rocked rattled and tossed. Coupled with constant updates of where the danger is. Unless you can pull off something like Hunt for Red October and show submarines dipping, diving, rolling and firing at one another. This film is neither.But its trying to use these methods to help its final battle. But budget and the tolls available to them. Don’t make for the most dramatic battle. So there’s a mix of cgi rendered sub and shark again, as well as Star Trek style brace for impact shaky cam damage done to things. Any time the shark attacks, they couldn’t really animate it. So you get the shark figure nudging things or swimming off screen to attack.

It just unfortunately adds up to a lackluster fight. Or the equivalent of any modern boxing match where you want to see the fighters beat the hell out of each other and actually win by knocking the guy out, instead you get over hyped bouts where two men slap at each other while playing the points card hoping to win by technicality.

It’s sad but this is what we got and we’ll go with it.

The fight is not going well. Captain Antonio Sabato Jr is running out of power, and air. He’s being chased by a relentless enemy. He needs to lock on and destroy it the first chance he gets. But what’s this?! Science lady has discovered a way to potentially possibly, mildly save the shark from an exploding death?

No, but she has discovered that the sculpted Venus Antonio Sabato Jr must not fire a torpedo. Because the torpedo is jammed! If he fires the ultra mega torpedo of victory. It will instead explode in the main submarine. His creation.

Naturally communication is having trouble. So she is going all out. This lady does not want to die, and I cannot blame her. She’s now abandoned Operation Save the Sharky, and engaged in an actual thrilling new mission. Operation Save Our Asses!

She’s running ducking dodging and diving around that submarine to all communications ports to tell him not to fire!

Does she make it? Do we all get to live?!!!!

Have any of you ever watched a youtube show called Best of the Worst? Made by a group called Red Letter Media? They watch trashy forgotten cheesy bad movies, analyze them and joke about it, then pick the film they feel was the best of the worst. They sometimes end up watching movies that have such an out of left field ending, a bizarre twist of fate and suddenness to them. That it just makes your jaw drop, your eyes go wide and you hear their friend Rich Evans begin laughing at the highest decibel known to exist as he exclaims WHAT?! WHAAAAT?! What the fuck just happened?!. And before you know it the entire room has the same reaction.

That is the end of this movie. Exactly that. I urge you to go seek out their episode of Best of the Worst with the film Blood Debts, and watch it, then watch this movie.

This is our ending folks.

Science lady nearly trips and kills herself all in the name of getting to a comms unit. She makes it and screams as loud as she can for Antonio Sabato Jr not to fire his torpedo, screaming that it’s jammed and will kill them all. But he either can’t hear her. Or is actively ignoring her because he is so full of vengeance to kill this thing he thinks she’ll stop at nothing to save it. So he fires.

And sure enough.

We get to see the grand work of master shipwright Antonio Sabato Jr explode section by section. Every single person on that submarine is dead. They all died either from the blast. Immediate decompression. Being crushed, burned, and squished by the hull around them. Only the Raging Bull Antonio Sabato Jr, and Sharky are left alive.

He hears over the radio an emergency broadcast. Letting him know they just got the emergency signal that something went wrong. They ask if there are any survivors. They tell him they will be on his position in an hour. He tells them no one survived. He’s the only one. He looks like an emotion is about to fart across his face. But then he stares out at the megalodon. He has made the decision to ram the mini sub directly into the shark.

This man. This walking atomic bomb, destroyer of worlds Antonio Sabato Jr. Is taking head on the Meg. The shark is familiar with the fast and furious franchise so it charges toward him as well. The shark swallows the mini sub and. Crushes the mini chub sub. Exploding it.

Antonio. Sabato. Jr. Is no more.

In this film.

The shark? Did it explode and kill the shark?

NO IDEA!

The movie LITERALLY. Not figuratively. NOT ACTUALLY FACTUALLY just ends!

It fades to black, Rolls credits and starts it with a ‘In Memory of Janine Clark”

That’s it

The End.

Words escape me. This is just. Wow.

I have no idea why it did. I mean I could name reasons it could’ve ended that way. But if it was intentional? Goddamn.

I mean it does happen. And being used to horror films it does happen that your entire cast dies and bad guys win or no one wins. But It’s just the whole.

Everything I just explained happens in the span of like 5 minutes.

To have it all build up to this epic chase, and turn the film into either turning Antonio Sabato Jr into Captain Ahab? Or just a funny as hell lesson in investing better funds into your communications systems to prevent oopsie doopsies like this.

It really just boggles me, and I was laughing for a few solid minutes after. While still openly asking myself and in the process scaring my dog and cat, “What just happened? What? Why the…why?!”

This movie just….god how do I even.

Overall. This film road a thin line between being almost boring, and at times confusing. You could follow along by just ignoring how things happen. But even then it’s a long pause between anything actually happening, and anything exciting. The pacing wasn’t slow so much as it just felt that, there wasn’t really much to do. Even if you look at time constraints or keeping it down to a certain runtime for instance. You can still edit the film into a cohesive narrative. You can still tell this story and have it all make sense as well as add something. ANY thing to keep you invested and interested. But it just lacks that something.

I could easily see, and sell this film as it really did come down to, or degrade into Antonio Sabato Jr’s character giving in more and more to his wanting to destroy the thing that ruined his life and haunted him to that last day he was alive. To the point he did turn into Ahab and just wanted it dead. So much so that he ignored the pleading of his crew and their warnings. Just to have his revenge. It would make his ultimate fate mean something yes.

But you have to setup more with the shark being his white whale. Turning a literal mythical thing into a mythical thing that seems to over come in in every challenge and takes him down each step of the way. And do so in an entertaining ‘oh what will they do next’ way.

Like say they get on the submarine and they all spot the shark. Everyone that didn’t believe him, now believes him. So they need to decide what to do. He declares the shark a threat and feels it best they destroy it to save countless lives. But they still feel perhaps they should study it, discover if there are possibly more like it. So they follow it against his wishes. And as they do. They suddenly realize with terror that the thing they were tracking and following. Has now taken notice of them. And now it’s after them. You could have it attacking any mini sub that would launch from the submarine for repair work or gathering supplies knocked off of the submarine or rescuing other mini subs. And losing them to the megalodon. Until ultimately it becomes clear they need to kill it if they hope to survive, because it will not stop until they are dead. Add in some moments of the shark passing the view screen and having Antonio Sabato Jr gaze back at its large black abyss of eyes and show some flashes of his family. Start showing a change in him that he’s becoming consumed by the need to destroy this thing. That as long as it lives he cannot. And he must destroy it to save his own sanity.

Make it a full on drive into selfish madness that ultimately leads to the crews destruction at his own hands. THEN your brutal ending has a worthy pay off. The man facing the end and realization he drove himself to this point at the cost of everything. That he then throws himself at the beast to die taking it down himself. From hells heart I stab at thee. Bitch.

That gives you something.

Otherwise you get a confusing mess that challenges you to pay attention and not turn the film off, only to laugh at the end when it looks like he’s happy about destroying the shark only to destroy his crew and feel bad for all of 10 seconds then rush into death. It’s just. Yeah.

I’m actually a bit upset by this the more I think about it. Because I mean really, the more I let it sit and linger. While staring at the paused credits right after the explosive ending. The more I feel the film really was poorly executed in the end.

I feel like maybe it really was trying for a Moby Dick with a shark story. But they missed the heart of it, the moments that brought impact and meaning. I know I’m repeating myself but this is all free form here and its frustrating me to think about. Like they had a clear vision for this. But when it came to executing these ideas, and trying to have that as the heart of their story. The drive of it. They just didn’t do that well with it. There’s really only one scene that if you choose to read into it with the mindset of a director, a movie maker that leads you toward the idea this is what they wanted to achieve and that’s one moment where angry crewman calls Antonio Sabato Jr Captain Ahab. He said something to the effect of your best idea was to bring captain ahab onto this boat. Which maybe they felt that would be a clue to the audience that this is indeed what will come to be the closer we get to when things start falling apart. But again having characters that weren’t really that strong, moments where characters only resist a crazy idea for less than a moment before buying into it fully. Repeatedly doing this. Then jumping full steam into Ahab mode. It just doesn’t really work the way you think it would.

I mean hell even the idea on saving the shark instead of killing it. They had one idea. They tried it and it didn’t go well. So they decide well we can kill it as a last resort. But we should still try to kill it. Which last all of a moment before turning back to operation kill it dead. They promised to still try to keep it alive if there was any possible way. But they never stopped to think of another way. They didn’t consider anything else. So the idea is just put out there and lost. It would’ve meant something if perhaps she found a way to save it and themselves. But no. The only thing you get is the realization they could die if he launches the torpedo. Which still plays into the ahab bit but again not as well as they’d thought or hoped. It’s just….yeah, it’s frustrating. Maybe It really was just a failed execution.

That’s unfortunate. But I will tell you this much. After 12 days and 12 films? Its still not as bad as Shark Huntress.

That film is going to haunt me until I destroy it myself. For the good of us all.

I don’t really recommend the film. I wish I could but. I mean if you want to judge for yourself please do. Movies good or bad deserve to be seen. Unless your film is Shark Huntress.

Instead I recommend Best of the Worst. Or my reviews. Let others suffer for you.

Until tomorrow! Don’t play Fast and Furious with an 80 foot shark.