SCORETOBER Day 6!! Friday the 13th Part 3!!!!

Day 6

Friday the 13th Part 3

I don’t have to explain why. But I know I will.

I’ve left the menu running on my bluray of this movie for 20 minutes just listening and vibing to the movies main theme.

If…

IF

YOU

ARE

NOT

FAMILIAR

WITH

THIS

FILM!!!

Shame on you!

But also, good for you!

This is a fun one for oh, oh, OH so many reasons.

First its in 3D, I’m talkin hurt your eyes, flimsy material, posterboard framed 3d glasses 3D

Secondly This is where Jason gets his iconic look for the rest of the franchise.

And third? Disco Jason music!

This really is when and were the series took a turn, and the same oddly enough happened for the Nightmare on Elm Street series too. Which we may get into as well because. Well yeah.

However for now. Let us dip our toes into the funkiest of Fridays, and remember a time when these films used to take their continuity seriously, and wasn’t a parody of itself.

Grab a slice of pizza, a solo cup of coke and we are good to go!

The Film

So the movie begins in a sadly forgotten fashion I really wish the films had hung onto. But alas the films just became silly and they decided to stop making sense of things.

Which is really sad because it was nice having a sense of what happened and where we’re going.

But no more.

For now though, the events of Part 2 play out for us. At least the final 20 minutes do. We see the survivors of the last film battling Jason in his overalls and potato sac mask. The famous scene of his mothers severed decaying head on an alter with her sweater under it. The heroes attacking poor Jason and leaving him for dead. Only for us to see him begin to once more crawl off and escape.

Well duh, here we are watching his return!

But more importantly. The score! They are wasting nobodies time and just throwing that wet pasta right into our faces. Bless them for doing so.

Funky Jason music is the thing of life. The 3D credits are just a site to behold, and the thought of how many people strained their eyes in the theater trying to watch this with those glasses on is. Well it’s pleasing for some of us.

Speaking of pleasing on the eyes.

It’s time to really stick that 3D gimmick into our faces. Literally.

We are introduced to Harold. Harold the poor belittled balding man. We find him outside fixing one of the poles holding up his and his wifes laundry. Which means we get a face full of pole wriggling right at our eye holes. Because 3D!!!

More importantly though we get a rare site. Truly rare. As his wife grumbles at him then turns to the news. She sees a story pop up about the survivors of Crystal Lake, but a sudden noise draws her attention from the tv. Outside, we see the site of a bald headed maskless Jason!

Yep, we see the deformed face of Jason with a slightly newer look this time around. In the last film he was in overalls and a flannel. He had a truly unique and disfigured look, like a hillbilly inbred beast.

Now he’s a bit more human, and a lot less Hairy. Its rare you ever see him without his mask, same can be said of Michael Meyers, who only ever showed his face 3 times through 10 films.

So yes it’s worth noting!

What also is worth noting. Is Harold again.

Harold is the worst convenience store clerk.

Sure he loves animals and good for him doing so. He loves his bowl of fishies, and he loves his bunny.

But the man REALLY loves drinking out of orange juice containers right off the shelf. He also loves eating roasted peanuts and putting THOSE back on the shelf as well.

The bastard even eats a damn donut out of the box!

Seeing this as a kid messed me up man! I never trusted a convenience store ever again. I’d always triple check the seals on anything I picked up, and my mom put in our food cart. I STILL do this. I aint taking any chances!

All of this is done to show us that Harold aside being a jerk, and the worst. Is a gluton for snacks. The only real justice is when he decides to try eating fish food and discovers its delicious. Until he realizes its made with fly eggs. Also his wife finds him stuffing his face with donuts. Which he’s not supposed to do as his doctor wants him to lose weight.

It’s not that he’s fat. It’s that he’s 80’s fat. Which means a little chonky. The 80’s were a different time and fat back then was what we would call chubby today. How far we have come. How far. We have come.

So now with fat shaming an otherwise healthy looking adult male, what more can we do to mess with Harold? Well why not have him put away his fluffy bunbun friend he was carrying during his snack freak out and suddenly have a snack leap out at us? I mean you could do that. But it’d look really dated and weird. Having an obvious prop snake on a fishing line, pulled toward the screen for a jump scare, that otherwise should’ve ended with Harolds death from a snake bite to the face.

BUT we DO get it! Yes! 3D is a tool to fuck with your eyes back in the day my friends! So we have possibly the worst snake gag on film happening before our eyes as a snake is clumsily jerked toward the camera with wire which we see very clearly in the frame. Back then 3D was less about enhancing your movie experience, and more about throwing shit at you. No one was thinking Avatar photo realism back then, and no one was considering the possibilities of 3D porn. That came much later. Hah.

So with a rubber snake pulled at us and Harold left running for his life through the house, the film decides to further use the magic of 3D by taking us on Harolds adventure to the toilet. Where we all hear him, thanks to new atmos audio and digitally remastered master tracks of the audio. Loud shitting.

Be thankful they didn’t make that 3D.

But kudos on going for it. I mean…if you are gonna show a man(or woman) shitting on the toilet. Why not add in the actual sound effects while your at it. So we keep our emersion unbroken. We need to believe he is shitting, and believe in the shit itself. To truly know that, in this 3D realm. The balding man is indeed shitting in a toilet, after a rubber snake caused his ass to lose control.

It’s short lived however and Harold is not one for wiping. Especially when he hears a noise not coming from his bunghole. You would think living out in the woods, in a home that also connects to your convenience store, that you’d be used to hearing weird noises. But alas.

So he leaves his unflushed scared shit, pulls up his big boy pants and heads out to investigate these odd sounds.

Only to find himself now the center prop to another 3D gag, as Jason raises a butchers cleaver and buries it into the mans chest.

We don’t get to see a blade eye view of the knife, but we do get to see the funniest acting when not seeing the film in 3D, as the actor weirdly positions himself to give the effect of his body floating at us with a knife buried in his chest. Without the 3D however he just looks like he’s slumping midway through dying. But it’s fine. Everything is fine.

Just not Harold. That man is D-E-A-D. Dead.

And that of course means not far behind him, is likely to be his wife. For she too decides it is a good idea to investigate any sort of outside noise. Does she find anything? Well not especially. She finds a 3D effect though. A mouse standing on the end of a wood plank. Which should have YOU shitting yourself in 3D!

Trust me it’s only going to keep going from here on. And soon. Soon you will be begging for these gags if you knew what’s coming soon.

Which is coming REALLY soon. Because while Harolds wife is scared by a mouse. Because y’know. Women be scared of mice. She backs herself into a door and WHAM. Out comes Jasons arm to grab and silence her, while his other hand jams a knitting needle through her skull.

Which you’d imagine would make for a cool gag. But no. No they decided to lay off it for a bit. They weren’t really thinking too much.

They were stoned.

Believe me it is a highly, very strongly. Likely scenario.

Maybe.

Fine! You want more 3D gags? Get ready pal. We are DONE killing the poor forest convenience store clerk and his wife. We are now moving onward and upward to some kids playing street ball. WITH!!

A baseball back wiggling at the camera right in our faces!

Isn’t that so much nicer than seeing something like a persons eye getting poked out and flung at the camera?

Well suck it up buttercup because its time for the horror of horrors. A true video nasty.

We are about to be graced by the amazing character responsible for creating a historic villains iconic look.

Our story is ready to introduce us to the camp counselors. Or body bags really if we must.

I’m kind of partial to meat sacks myself.

We have all the elements of its time on screen to let us know good things are in store from here on out. We have a large van, and our youthful cast coming out to pick up a friend of theirs from her home. The idea here is that everyone is getting setup with a date of some kind. Including our soon to be introduced friend Vera.

But before our friends can get that far. We are going to meet the bane of this films existence, and its prince. As our group of friends discuss the plans for this weekend, and picking up their friend. A curly haired bastard with a clear face mask and knife pokes out from beside the van. Stalking up behind the eldest of the group. The music picks up tempo letting us know obviously that danger isn’t just a foot! But it is a curly haired fat bastard named Shelly! Who ends up stabbing a fake rubber knife into the back of his friend. Upsetting him and reminding the females of the group, the hell that they are committing their friend too.

See this was a time where, much like today. You would sometimes set up your friends with single friends of your boyfriend/girlfriend. But in these movies those friends doing their single friend a favor. Usually are total dick holsters. Because the single friend their bestie usually gets coupled with. Is less a date, and more a sacrifice.

Shelly is one of those cases, though we are meant to feel a little bad for him.

We. Do not.

Shelly’s friend tries giving him some advice. Don’t be ‘such a weirdo’, a polite way of saying “Dude, I am trying to get you a girlfriend, possibly even laid. Don’t fuck this up, and don’t weird out my girlfriend and fuck up my own weekend.”

Shelly will do all of the worst things he can. Because he’s a weirdo.

Is he a practicing serial killer? No. He’s just a man who’s entire life is carried around in a small makeup effects box. So he’s awkward and chubby, feels he’s unattractive, and acts out being either a murderer, or a victim. To get attention. This kid is going places.

But Donnie, you special effects loving chubby bastard of a man you say. Weren’t you also and still are a special effects loving chubby bastard? I am. I was. I shall be.

But I have confidence. That got me places with the ladies. Lots of places.

Also I never attempted to fake murder my friend outside the house of my date.

The worst I did, much to my fathers amusement was meet a girls dad who told me to have her home by 11 or so, and I told him without thinking ‘Well, we’ll try”, my dad laughed back in the car and told me you don’t say that son, but then he patted my back and congratulated me for having brass balls not looking her dad in the eyes when I said it.

If I pretended to murder someone outside her home. Her dad would’ve called the cops.

So anyway we learn Shelly hates how he looks, and that he’s considered 80’s fat. When in all honesty he’s not that horrific. He just needs confidence. Also he needs to chill his tits with the make up effects gags.

Honestly it’s a fun scene mostly because when our group arrive at the doorstep of their friend Vera, her mother answers the door. They tell her they are friends of Vera’s and are there to pick her up. The mom glares at each of them and states matter of factly that “No! She is not going!”, the mom walks off and begins a fight with her daughter in spanish. Which the daughter gets into with her mom until the door slams shut and she smiles as if nothing happened and ask her friends ‘So, which ones my date?”, she instantly regrets anything bad she said to her mother moments ago.

But what is this? There’s smoke coming from their van! A fire! Oh the horror!!

No it’s not a fire. Apparently it’s two hippies who are coming with them, both with their own 3ft bongs, taking fat rips in the back of the van hot boxing in a suburban neighborhood. Because why not.

This was the 80’s, and weed was a different beast back then. Seriously the stuff you find in weed shops today is 50% stronger than what was out there back in the day. Or so I am told. Anyway…

Our van lifers are on the road to their eventual deaths, and it’s been a minute since we had a fun 3D gag right? Well what better gag could we the audience ask for. Than the director and crew to know what their audience is likely doing back then and not at all what so ever legally today. Shelly watches as one hippy rolls joint after joint filling up his baggie while balancing a full two ounces of pot in another bag. While his hippy wife smokes a joint in one hand, while holding an once of weed in the other hand. “Is that all you two are going to do this entire trip? Smoke dope?” Shelly laments as the hippies giggle and grin, proclaiming there’s nothing else better to do. This prompts one of the front seat riders to reach out for the joint and say “Hey how about a little something up front for the less fortunate” and we get it. The one thing Cheech and Chong never did in 3D. We get a hippie taking a puff puff pass off a joint that is now offered to us in head exploding 3D!

Yep. These are the cool kids now. Smokin dope, and riding in a van to a lake.

Well their high is disturbed suddenly as they notice a cop car behind them. The hippies immediately begin to fear for their life. Everyone else suddenly no longer wants to smoke a doobie and are rethinking their lives. No one wants to go to jail! They don’t puff puff pass in jail. They bang bang pass your ass in jail!

So they do the only thing you could back then.

Well one of. See back then it was illegal for cops to search a female, so you could’ve just crammed the weed down the girls jeans and the cops couldn’t do anything without a female officer present. So they opt for the second thing they could do, and suffer for.

They eat it.

Three people begin scarfing down large quantities of weed. If you are unfamiliar with what grams and ounces look like? It’s interesting to weigh things on your scale and discover just how many grams are in an ounce, and just what an ounce looks like compared to the amount of grams you’d usually find in say a quarter sack.

Any…way.

The hippies are eating the pot, Everyone is freaking as the cars sirens blair, and….the cop car passes them.

It had other business, and had no cares for the moving hot box of a van going down the road trailing huge plumes of smoke.

So now everyone is grumpy and aware they just ingested huge amounts of weed, and shitting is going to feel like pushing out a Christmas tree later. They might even help sprout a tree if they shit in the woods given all the stims and seeds in those sticky icky bags of weed.

What business did those cops have though, you might wonder. Well wonder no longer my friends. Those cops were called off to investigate the crime scene that is the convenience store earlier at the start of the film. Which our meat sacks full of weed snacks pass by.

You’d think they might slow down and check it out right? But no. No instead they decide to slow down once they realize there is a homeless drunk sleeping in of all places. The middle of the road. Like dead center laying his ass down catching some sun during his nap. Dead ass center in the road.

Which normally might be terrifying with a van full of people now high off their asses, bellies full of weed, speeding along the road. But thankfully a sober female friend alerts them to slow the fuck down and not run over the man, further adding anxiety and repressed memories to their trip before its even begun.

We don’t know this mans name. But he is known by many names. He has but one roll to play in these movies. He is the doom bringer.

In the first film you had a man on a bike, who talked about Camp Crystal lake having a death curse, and informing a camper they’d die up there. In the second film you had another one. He too warned the group “Your all dooooooomed”, and they were. All except two of them. He left that part of the doom prophecy out. So here we have homeless drunk doom bringer man. Thanking these kids for having awoken him and helped him off the road. He begins spouting off about having received a gift, a vision of the future, of things to come that have not yet passed. He starts showing off his cool rubbery object and even shoves it into the camera so we all get a good look at it. Thankfully Shelly knows enough about make up effects and anatomy to determine. That this man is holding and flashing an eyeball. So they all run scattering like high as fuck rats to their hot box mystery van and take off. All while the man tells them “I have warned thee! I have..warned thee.”

Now. Again. This was a different time.

When you had instances like this. You might think. Hey. There were cops lined outside a convenient store. Why not drive over there, tell them we saw a hobo with an eyeball in his hands, and get him arrested. It could be the murderer. But no. They just let him be. Because back then, you just didn’t deal with weirdos. You left them alone, and they left you alone.

True story from my childhood. We had a homeless man pass through our neighborhood one evening ad they tossed into our garbage can an army flask complete with olive drag cloth case. Me and my sister thought it was cool. My parents picked it up. Inspected it. Cleaned it out and said ‘here ya go, have fun”

It was a different time. A different time.

A different time.

So moving right along…

Our happy campers have made their way to the cabins without incident. Well almost.

As the group wonders off to investigate the lake, Chris our lead girl is headed up to the cabins, investigating. What she finds while investigating though is. Well. The most common and threatening creature in the woods. A horny boyfriend.

Thankfully there is no 3D gag with him. No worry of a penis waggling in our faces in horrifying 3D. Instead it’s a rather cute getting to know you seen where we get some background which. Well it doesn’t give us much but hey, it’s something and they tried. Her boyfriend though is an okay guy. He’s a hard working farmboy, who’s interested in coming up with good ways to get her to realize that. Yes he will give her space and let her ‘get to know you again, and this place again’, but he’s also going to make the argument they need to have sex at least once a day. He obviously understood what she meant when she didn’t want to make out and said, let me get to know you again.

But enough of that cuteness. Someones screaming in the house! And not the screams of someone prodding the wrong hole!

Chris goes roaming through the upstairs portion of the house trying to investigate who could’ve stubbed their toe on a lego. Only to discover a miracle among miracles! Shelly is dead! He has died off screen but who cares! Shelly the curly haired bastard is dead! He got an axe to the forehead and his body fell out of a closet to the floor! A victory for all, and a better weekend ahead for Vera!

Unfortunately he was only faking, as his best and only friend tickles the corpse. Which is weird in itself. Until the corpse that is Shelly giggles. Stands up and announces that he fooled everyone, with his fake axe wound and blood dripping down his forehead.

Again proving that Shelly, is a dick, that no one wants to dongle. The entire group wants to relax, and enjoy the peaceful setting of their fuck cabin and bang lake. But no one can do that if a walking cold shower like Shelly is going to be constantly faking his own death.

Somehow, Shelly seemed shocked that no one else gets that this was just a simple joke, that he was only foolin. So they all rightfully tell him to fuck off and go their own ways. Vera going the extra mile of borrowing someones VW bug so she can get out of their and head into town.

Of course as she’s heading out into town, Shelly. The boy wonder decides he wants her to take him along with her. She drives right past his ass and he’s left to further sulk. But Vera is a good sort. She’s quick to forgive, even if she really shouldn’t. So she stops and Shelly is now once again stuck in a vehicle headed on the road. Headed toward a convenience store without murdered owners.

This is actually reason to rejoice. Because the store is pumping out over the speaker system more funky Jason music. It was needed, and never not welcome. It’s the thing that gives us life.

So as our patrons have some tasty tunes to rat jam too, Vera has picked out some groceries for the week and stands ready to pay. But this town is apparently full of people with attitude, as she hasn’t even pulled out a means to pay yet and the cashier, with extra sass informs her “And we don’t take food stamps”, well damn bitch back up off her tits and see if she’s even poor first. But it also unfortunately could be because our character is Hispanic and. Well white people were uber racist back then.

So she politely ask Shelly, who is busy looking at a nude magazine, further cementing the barrier between the two. She ask Shelly for some money as she doesn’t have her cash on hand. So we get out first 3D gag in a hot minute! Shelly tosses his wallet at us like the asshole he is. Only to have it land on the floor. But as Vera goes to lift his wallet, a used leather heel steps on the cloth wallet, and the music turns up a notch. We are now greeted to the towns bad biker people. A classy lady in leather, with a bald bearded friend with a chain, and a man that looks part fonzy, part biker. All lover.

The two men decide to man hug Shelly, which he should be grateful anyone would want to hug him, even if to restrain him. Leaving Vera to deal with the female of the group. Who opens up the wallet and finds a rubber inside. Because of course Shelly is prepared for that one magical day. Only in this instance it adds to his embarrassment and the embarrassment of us all.

Vera is made to ask, nicely, and politely for the wallet as the lady makes a huge show of it. But Vera keeps her cool and does as the lady ask, and the wallet is returned without incident. Vera slaps down a 20 for the groceries and marches out of the store. The two men decide to let Shelly go because he is a spineless twat that feels clamy when they hold onto.

As they depart the store though and his wallet is returned to him. Shelly immediately decides the best approach and conversation now. Is to bitch out Vera for giving the clerk a 20 and not getting his change.

Vera rightly ignores this and simply leave it off at just wanting to get away from those damn dirty bikers, and hating people like that. Shelly, feels this is a good enough time as any to impress her, so he simply adds that next time. He’ll know how to handle a situation like this. He just hopes it that next time won’t be too soon.

If you feel in this moment, a sensation moving down your arm. Make sure its not numb. If its numb you could be having a stroke. But if this sensation moving down your arm, propels you toward the screen wanting to punch shelly for the fun of it. Well, welcome to the club. It’s natural.

Well our two survivors of the store confrontation can head home now. Safe with Shelly behind the wheel. That is until he decides to play Joe Cool and not bother looking to see what gear he’s in and backs up immediately into the motorcycles belonging to the gang. Which obviously upsets them. And prompts the weirdest funniest what the fuck Shelly moment. As he tries to drive off after hitting those bikes. One of the bikers steps in front of him with his bike chain and Shelly stops, long enough for the man to smash the front window with his chain and punch his fist through the driverside window and into our faces!

Shelly drives off at top speed, only. ONLY to stop and turn around. Vera is equally confused and suddenly begins to wonder if this. This moment is how her life ends, as she is now in a car, with the quiet kid in school, who she let drive. Shelly declares “This time they’ve gone too far.” And steps on the gas, headed straight for the biker that punched the car, who is trying to start up his motorcycle. The man jumps out of the way saving his own life. And Shelly runs over the gangs motorcycles, officially committing a hit and run, as he drives off at full speed toward the cabins. Cheering himself on at his newly discovered manhood and life as a criminal. But Vera, thankful to be alive and not driving with a murderer, congratulates him. Figuring its best to be the right hand of the devil, than to be in his way. At least until she is out of the car.

This of course in no way will setup future events with these bikers. Or will it?

It will. I mean. Yeah. Spoilers much? This movie is 40 years old. If it’s being spoiled well. What are you doing here.

So back home with the hippies carrying 4 ounces of pot, an overly horny boyfriend, and ladies just trying to relax. We get another 3D gag because well, it’s been a hot minute. We get the horny boyfriend playing with a yoyo directly above his girlfriends face. Getting closer and closer to hitting it. Her face not. Nevermind.

But he actually DOES smack her face with the yoyo. But everyone ignores it when the girlfriend simply says “hey that one was close”……bitch are you for real?! That goddamn thing conked your forehead, and your response is ‘hey that one was close.’. I’m sorry is the target your EYE?!

Well eventually she has enough of this tom foolery and takes his precious yoyo. Just as our heroes return from their escapades in town. To share their story of the broken windows, which Shelly tells them ‘We had a slight misunderstanding with a biker gang’, ignoring the car owner and his questions on what happened to his car. Shelly literally blows it off, pats his arm and informs him it’ll look good as new with a few bucks.

Shelly is not a good friend. Shelly is in fact the kid who licks the volleyball during P.E.

What’s actually worth mentioning in this moment though, is that we get another glimpse of Jason as he watches things unfold from the nearby barn. Again giving us a small glimpse of his bagless head. And letting us know he is indeed here and aware of the situation. Even giving us a thumbs up to let us know he will take care of Shelly.

Actually he doesn’t. but it’s more of a metaphorical thumbs up.

Actually. It’s more of him letting us know he’s got things under control and he’s going to prove it soon enough.

Because just as the vehicle owner decides to forget that a friend busted out his windshield and driver side window. He’s taking his girlfriend for a drive. In a car full of glass. But nevermind that.

We have another couple preparing for some sexy stuff out in the woods.

BUT NEVER MIND THAT

We got the bikers! They followed Shelly and Vera to the farm house, camp…place.

So things are definitely afoot now. The male bikers decide to get subtle revenge. By siphoning the van of its precious gas, so the two grown men fight over who gets to suck on the hose. While the female of the group takes off to have some fun in the barn. Jason’s Barn.

Jason’s Barn. The Barn Supremacy.

Well our female biker is exploring Jasons new hang out. Which he’s cool with for the most part. As she nearly impales herself on a pitchfork of her own volition. And climbs up the second story of the barn likely to trip and break her own neck.

Meanwhile the bikers have finished siphoning the gas and sucking on hoses. So its time to gather Fox, the female biker. Who has decided this stealth mission is no longer a stealth mission. She found a rope at the top of the barn and decided to swing from it while screaming WEEEEEEE THIS FEELS GOOD!

Naturally our biker friends don’t want to be caught. So this puts a damper on their day. However Fox has stopped her joyful glee and our biker friend must head inside to get her so they can leave.

What he finds instead, is Fox has been impaled by Jason, with a pitchfork. The biker seeing this realizes things are not all that fun anymore. He also feels glad to not be impaled. That is until Jason pulls out. ANOTHER PITCHFORK!!

This boy is getting impaled by pitchfork too! He’s got pitchfork for days son!

Well obviously feeling left out now. The third biker, Baldy with the chain. Comes into the barn immediately threatening his friends to put their dicks away and get on their bikes. When no one listens and Fox doesn’t shout back about not having a dick. He knows something is wrong. He really knows something is wrong when the body of his hose sucking friend gets rolled off a ledge and on top of him.

Now this could’ve been interesting. As the biker stands up, horrified. He see’s Jason leap down from the rafters and land in a stall beside him. This biker is not running. He grabs a machete and he’s ready to throw down. Up until now we haven’t really had someone challenge Jason directly. I mean its kind of fool hearty later on to do so because by part 5 he’s a walking reanimated corpse and that’s just a fight you don’t want no part of.

But here we have a still human Jason. But unfortunately the fight of the century is short lived, as Jason is able to over power the biker and the fight ends before it could really even begin.

Hey. Do you remember that this film is in 3D? You don’t? How about a reminder? Because YOU paid for the experience the film is gonna give it. This time with Shelly and friend challenging each other to a juggling match. Which honestly that’s kind of a cool throw down, and knowing two people can juggle that you happen to be around? That’s even cooler!

But Vera and her friend are not impressed. In fact her friend is bored. Horny and bored. Borny? Yeah.

So her borny friend decides she knows how to end this. So she walks over to her boyfriend and informs him “I can think of better things you could be doing with your hands heh…heh” and walks off. Immediately he fumbles his juggling and decides he’s done juggling fruits, he’s gonna go finger some butthole.

I’m sure that’s exactly what she meant, and I know a thing are two about women and their subtle pickup lines.

So as the other couple take off for some butthole exploration. Shelly is left with Vera. Who is checking on the fire, and Shelly is checking the ass out of in her velvet pants.

Because Shelly is the kid who sniffs the chairs when the class leaves for lunch.

Shelly is hoping for similar butthole exploration with Vera. So he presses his luck. Surely they’ve bonded over their near death biker experience. And she knows he’s ready for sex because she saw his condom. So he goes in for the attempt.

Only Vera is not really feeling it, and she does her best to be polite. She tells him to slow his roll and chill. Offering to instead step out for a moment of fresh air, and when she returns? They can talk and get to know each other. Perfectly reasonable.

Shelly sighs and agrees, and as she exits he cements his shriveled dickness by calling her a bitch once he’s alone. Because she would slap his curly hair straight if she heard him.

Admittedly Vera is cute. She’s also being reasonable. Sure her date isn’t the best winning horse by a country mile. But she was willing to give him a chance and talk. Get to know him before deciding if she wants to go further. That’s a sign of quality which in the end will pay off in any beginning relationship.

But Shelly Is a dick. Who can’t handle rejection.

Meanwhile we need something more horrific. We need some traumatic backstory. Give us a reason as to why one of our youths is so fearful of their return to this place. So Cruise tells her boyfriend about her past. That she had a fight with her mother and ran off into the woods to be alone. While she was alone, she had what looks to be a run in with a much younger Jason 10 years ago. Who tried assaulting her and chasing her through the woods. She ran back home barely making it out alive and told her folks what happened. But they never talked about it after and didn’t believe her. So she never returned to this place. Until she did. So Cruise is here to face her fears and confront the horrible deformed face that ran out and chased her in the woods during her youth.

But enough about actual back story. We have two stoned out of their mind hippies. Literally these two have been absolutely out of their minds stoned to the point you likely forgot about them as well, and they’ve both been passed out on the couch.

So Chong wakes up and heads out to the outhouse for a shit. This movie has a lot of shitting. No one just takes a piss anymore it seems. Bold choice man.

So he takes a shit and Jason walks by deciding to shake test the outhouse. Which Chong attributes to the power of his joint. Because why not. But when the shaking happens again. He decides it must be Shelly. Which is fair. That’s fair. It also is a good enough reason in my book to seek out shelly and destroy him.

So his girlfriend pops out beside the shit shack and startles him. Thankfully he already shit so there’s no fear of him shitting himself scared. BUT who needs these two right now. When we have cinematic history about to be made!

Vera is taking her time outside, likely letting loose all the farts she’s held in throughout the road trip. She tried emptying her gas chamber during the outing into town. But Shelly had to come along and further cause discomfort. So if the girl wants to fart out all she’s been holding in? I say let her do so in peace.

So as she’s letting out one flatulent tune after the next, sitting on a small dock with her feet in the water. She hears a sudden something near by. Her senses are tingling and she is ready to run. But alas she cannot run! Her foot is grabbed under water by a hand in a wet suit. She begins panicking until the hand suddenly lets her go. Standing up and waiting to see what or who the hand belonged to Vera watches the lake. Only to see a man in a wet suit jump out at her wearing a hockey mask. THEE hockey mask!

Of course it’s Shelly the shriveled curly haired nut sack. But he is wearing the Jason goalie mask! HE is the one who brought it!

Naturally Shelly laughs at how he spooked her, and Vera has had it with this shit. But she’s still a cool cucumber. She just doesn’t want to deal with this shit. So she finally ask Shelly why he has to be such a painful blister on her cooch. He tells her, and I shit you not. He’s just trying to get her to like him. He HAS to be this way.

To the surprise of all of us, including the creatures in the water. Vera tells him the shocking truth that, she does like him. But not when he acts like a limp dick full of cheese doing shit like this. It’s a very honest moment and a good message to a lot of guys. You don’t need to be a bag of dicks to get someone to like you or to get their attention. Just chill your balls and not be a psycho.

Well Shelly doesn’t get that. So he storms off upset. Feeling she still doesn’t like him. Even though she said she does! Like literally dude. This girl is saying there is a chance he can hold her hand and maybe. MAYBE if he stops with the fake murdering. There could possibly be boob in his future. Even dry humping if she’s drunk and decides why not.

But no. Shelly says he can tell when a girl thinks he’s nothing. So he walks off and Vera is left confused and able to calm herself and her nervous farts.

God may or may not be real. But in this instance, he might be listening to us. Because someone is gonna die. And thankfully that someone, is the one in possession of a nice face mask to cover Jason’s face.

Shelly walks off to the barn of death, investigating some odd noises. Which further cements his legacy as a pervert. As he enquires if anyone is in the barn, he enters and begins grinning looking around asking “Are you guys doing something I shouldn’t see?”

There are a lot of things Shelly shouldn’t see.

Well his night is about to get a lot better, as is our own. Meanwhile Vera is chilling out still and notices Shelly dropped his wallet. So she decides for reasons to look through it. She thinks he’s cute, but the guy just can’t see it. Unfortunately she won’t see things for long either. As she accidentally drops his wallet in the lake and goes to retrieve it. We are greeted to the first time ever, seeing Jason wearing his now signature mask. Olive drab shirt, and gray khaki pants.

Only this time he has a speargun in hand. Vera mistakes him at first for Shelly, until she realizes this man is not only freakishly taller, but muscular and ruggedly handsome in a nightmarish way.

As she realizes this though, it’s too late. As Jason delivers a speargun shot to the camera and into the eye socket of Vera. She shall be missed.

Who needs tears when we have tits!!

Yes nudity is abound my friends!

I’m trying to get excited because people joked last year I was seemingly upset any time nudity appeared on screen. I wasn’t. I really just had a preference. This is not one of those times! Nudity in Friday the 13th films is a right of passage for all of us, and there are some truly glorious moments of it throughout the series. But I digress.

One of our horny couples who were gifts a hammock as their bed just finished their fun in said hammock. The man got to use his hands for ‘other things’ than juggling, so now they both need a shower to wash away their shame. This is very notable for a few reasons.

For one, we have his female friend going off to take a shower and wash out her cooch. There’s just something fun about forms behind shower curtains.

Her boyfriend however is showing off. He’s managed to put on his jeans and has decided now is a good time to walk around on his hands. Because fuck you for being young and healthy while the rest of us have dying bodies and shit health.

This impresses her and he goes off to get them both a beer.

As he walks down toward the stairs though. Jason stops him. He’s not as impressed at the boy doing a walking hand stand. So he does his best Simon Cowell impression and slashes the boy in half. Literally right down his crotch to his torso.

This is a painful experience for some of us, and a very bold death in the films budding history.

What of the girly friend you say? Will she and her breast survive?

No! She had the sex! That’s a death sentence in these films!

So she relaxes in a cashmere bath robe on the hammock incase they are going to have a second round of fun and begins reading a magazine of noteworthiness.

Until she notices blood dribbling on her magazine and finds the remains of her chopped in half boyfriend above her head. But before she can scream. Jason pops a hand around her mouth. He’s hidden under the bed and jams his machete through her chest.

It’s a great effect and one of a few Jason will use far more as the series goes on.

If you hadn’t noticed. The movie is amping up now. It’s been an hour. We have 30 minutes left. Its time for Jason to do what he was born to do.

Who next should be on his list, but our pot smoking friends. Who for our viewing pleasure are making popcorn in a dangerously old fashioned way. On a stove with a pot that has no lid. Popping flying kernals into our faces. Oh what fun.

Well it is until the power does weird things and Cheech goes to investigate. While he investigates, Shelly returns! But he can’t scream. His throat has been cut. He’s gagging and gasping out, reaching to our female hippy. But if the boy who cried wolf has taught us nothing. It surely is now. As the hippie see’s dying shelly and tells him to get bent and stop being a dickless wonder. So Shelly dies. Having been insulted one last time.

Meanwhile in the basement, Chong is investigating the power box and discovers the problem. The problem is a huge towering madman with a machete. Who tosses Chong into the power box, electrocuting him to death and knocking the power out for good.

This alarms stoner girl and she tries to wake Shelly to get him to stop screwing around and help her. Only to discover the curly haired man is indeed actually factually dead. A victory for those still alive, a crushing defeat for someone to make stoner girl feel safe.

But she has nothing to worry about. As she discovers the house is now a place of blood and horror. Jason helps her relax. By sticking a hot as hell fire poker into her belly. Which leads some of us to imagine that when her flesh began to smoke. Did Jason get a contact high?

Somewhere, someone was wondering just that. Believe me.

So now with the body count on the rise, and Jason done waiting to show off his new attire. We have ourselves the long awaited and always worth it final pay off with the film. The chase.

So as Chris and Rick return to the cabin. They find the place is smelling of burnt popcorn and dead hippies. But they also don’t find the body of Shelly OR the stoner lady. Jason is saving them for later. So Rick decides to head out and try to see if he can fix the power. Only he won’t be able to fix the power. Jason finds him in what has to be a very under appreciated kill scene. We have Chris(or Cruise if you like) headed outside calling out for Rick. But Jason has a hand over his mouth while the other strangles him. As she heads back into the house Jason proceeds to crush the boys head until. You may have guessed it. An eye pops out of his head and toward the camera. Thank you for reminding us this was in 3D.

Now that Rick is gone and Chris is all on her own. It’s time for Jason to do what he does best. Puppetry!

See, Chris calls out for Rick. But Rick is dead. So Jason shrugs and decides “Well if you want him, here I’ll get him.” So he tosses Rick through a window into the cabin. You’d think Chris would be thankful to have him back. But no. She screams and Jason enters the house. The chase is on.

Now Jason, being of simple mind. Might have thought to himself, that “oopsy doopsy, I killed these people. They’re going to catch on to me! I know. I will pose them and make it look like they’re okay. Yes. Good as new. Problem solved” This would explain why he displays the bodies in different horrific poses around the house. Why Chris discovers her friends corpses around the house either stood up awkwardly in closets, folded neatly on shelves. Or just out right nailed to door frames.

The point is no one appreciates Jasons efforts.

ANY WAY….

She is not going to let this man get her down. She tosses a book shelf down at him and tries hurting Jason with his worst fear. Literature. It fails horribly. But does slow him down somewhat. An actually scary moment during her chase comes when he follows her upstairs and she manages to stab a kitchen knife into his thigh. Jason falls down in pain. Manages to dig the knife out just as she begins to open a blocked off door. Just in time too as Jason throws a knife straight for her head, missing by half an inch and burying the blade into the doors frame. It’s a cool as hell shot as well as being genuinely scary.

She lets herself out the window and Jason is forced to go back down stairs. Now with pain in his leg. She did this on purpose and its kind of a dick move to force someone down a spiral stairway when you stabbed their leg, but whatever. Wild women do, and they don’t regret it.

So she manages to make it to of all things a motor vehicle! Safety is on the horizon! Huzzah!.

Only the motor vehicle she chose is the Van. Which as we learned earlier had the gas siphoned out of it. So she’s taking a very short trip unfortunately. Where else can a girl hide while being pursued by a masked serial killer? To the Barn of course! See! It would come back into play!.

It also sets up one of the funniest attempts to take out Jason in a while, Even to this day in fact. It’s a straight up anime move and I laugh every time I see it.

Chris is hiding from Jason hugging onto one of the rafters at the top of the barn. Jason enters the barn and slams the door shut. Locking them both inside. He searches for her everywhere but the Jason Barn Supremacy is no more. He simply can’t find her. So she gets this idea. The best idea.

She needs to take him out. Somehow. But. How?

She decides to dangle herself down from the rafters, just in time for Jason to look up. Moments before she ass attacks him.

Yes. He drops her backside down onto his head.

I.

I will refrain from making some very obvious jokes about a woman landing her ass on a mans head, let alone face mask. But you know they are there. You know.

She tries escaping through the door but is unsuccessful as Jason has barred the barn door. So the chase resumes. With Jason taking a swipe at Chris, but she’s too fast, like Sonic fast. Eventually the pair land themselves on the upper floor of the barn and a struggle is on its way. But before that Chris picks up a shovel and is ready for Jason. He makes his way uptop and she whacks him over the head. Knocking poor Jason to the ground. But it gives her enough time to manage putting a hay bail rope around his neck and shove his lumpy butt off the edge.

NOW we have our struggle. A cuddle struggle of the neck breaking variety.

We see Jason fall off the side of the barn and a swift snap as the rope hugs his neck and he is left motionless.

Chris takes this opportunity to climb down the ladder and work on popping the wood bar off the door to free herself. As she does so though Jason is. Still hanging out there. But not for long, you just can’t keep the man down. He snaps back to attention and power lifts himself up enough with ONE HAND, so he can remove the rope from his neck.

Take that in a moment.

Jason is strong enough not only to crush a mans skull in his hands. But to one hand lift himself up with ease, and free himself from the noose. That’s some shit right there.

So he’s ready for another round!

But Chris has help this time! Out of nowhere, by nowhere I mean directly behind Jason from one of the animal stalls. Our bald bearded biker friend is back! He was rebeatedly hit in the head but he didn’t die. He was just in a coma for a few hours. APPARENTLY!

So he begins fighting Jason. Giving Chris enough time to find a weapon to help out. But unfortunately our biker friend is not so good with the hand to hand combat. As Jason slices off one of his hands, then kills the biker. It was a valiant effort. But alas. Not enough.

Jason turns around ready to take on Chris once more now that her tag team partner is out. But Chris has an axe, and she’s gonna bury it right into his forehead!

Giving his new iconic mask its first scar! One of many it will endure through the series.

With that, Jason is dead. Chris has a nightmare in which she see’s a maskless Jason chase after her, Only to have his mothers rotting corpse now with reattached head leap out of the lake to try drowning her. But she’s alright. Mostly.

Actually she is far from alright. The police find her and she is a full on screwball. She’s raving mad, screaming and laughing as a cop car drives her away from the slaughter scene, and the film hits us ONE MORE TIME WITH THAT FUNKY JASON BEAT!!

The end!!

This is one of the funnest and oddest entries in the series. Well at least until we get into the fake Jason sequel, and then the hell that was Jason Goes to hell. Nothing is worse than Jason without Jason.

But yes. This movie gave us the iconic hockey mask and machete combo. His buttoned up shirt and pants. The next film would bring the addition of a tool belt. Jason evolved throughout and up until part 7 all the films continued to give us a recap of the previous films events. Which made it perfect date night material. You didn’t see the other movies? Don’t worry, they’ll recap it for us.

The idea of adding a disco track is still, an oddity, the humor was way off into left field but it worked. The 3D aspect was…something. But I think maybe added to the whole thing of this being a bit corny while being bloody. It never forgot what it was, which is a Friday film. But it certainly did enjoy its terrible humor a bit too long.

But it works!

Even the nudity is kept to a minimum. They were still finding their footing with this series. So you got a limited amount of fun spare stuff between murder and mayhem.

But this one certainly stands above the rest and doesn’t get much love its way. It’s sort of like the magic number film for the franchise that brought new life to it. Much like Dream Warriors did with Freddy. It introduced the more comical but still scary Freddy, and this film introduced the iconic mask which people mostly think he had through the entire series. In fact most fans will tell you correctly that yes He didn’t appear until part 2, that his mother was the main villain in the first. But they tend to forget, unless they’re die hards, that he didn’t get the mask until 3. Thanks to the annoying character people wanted to see mutilated in the worst ways.  

The best thing to know about this movie. Just like Dream Warriors. It was one of the highest grossing in the series at the time. It was really something for horror back then and part of the super stardom movement for horror villains. The movie cemented Jason as an icon. It’s a good tipping point and even introduction for someone new to the series if you really wanted to skip to the good stuff, and give someone something to enjoy before the horrific pile of mutilated crap that is the later series additions after part 7.

Speaking of mutilation I wanna get into the music because. Well come on why not. It’s what we’re here for!

The Music.

As always, well. MOSTLY always, until Jason had his balls cut off by Jason Takes Manhattan. By that point the film violence and music was cut into something worse than any of his kills. This film thankfully. Was the birth of a funk. Thanks to the man himself Harry Manfredini. He’s responsible for nearly all the Friday film soundtracks. Which also offered a nice continuity. Even better he did the music for the Friday the 13th game.

The music doesn’t change terribly much though for the first few films. Which I can’t fault it for. There are some subtle differences yes, but by and large it does manage to sound close to the previous films. Which lends itself later on in the series to creating what feels like, well. Friday music.

Everything was becoming iconic about Jason by this point, and no one really wanted this to be the final nail in the series coffin. So it continues and they kept what people enjoyed. Blood, breast, Jason and the music. It was almost like Jaws in that you only knew it was a Jason film. Once you heard the familiar chi-chi- ah-ah. Which yes I know what its actually saying but fuck you this is what people knew it as forever and a day ago.

So why break success? They nailed a perfect score and sound for Jason. But still managed to expand it in little beats throughout the films score. More noticeably toward the last 30 minutes or so of each film that’s when you really hear the classic tone come in a lot. Up until we get into The New Blood, and as I mentioned Jason Takes Manhattan.

But the biggest addition is of course. The Main title theme. Nicknamed Disco Jason it was a classic. It got released as a single I believe and it also inspired a band later on.

This was, is and remains one of the most out there cinematic score oddities.

I mean sure you have something like Dawn of the Dead and Goblins mall music. Which is….very Italian, and very much Goblin.

But this? Who would have ever thought you’d see a Friday the 13th film that didn’t just include scary violins being frantically played to high screeching notes, but an actual disco funk?

You even heard this song used in dance clubs back in 82 when this was released. Disco was a dying thing before then and yet this track was funky enough people dug it. I mean again. Knowing a horror track is being played in night clubs. It was sort of a novel thing. It also became a thing later on in Friday the 13th where they would become one of the first few horror films to include a track done by a major artist. Alice Cooper and his Man Behind The Mask video and single. Was a huge hit for the film too.

But everyone. Everyone in the horror community. They know this song. They’ve jammed to this song, and it’s still the greatest thing to see peoples reaction to hearing when they see the movie for the first time.

I mean who would’ve thought something like this would fit into a horror film?!

Sit down Dario Argento. We know your ass made the jazziest of horror music but this is different.

This was again at a time when horror had its own genre of theme and music. You didn’t really deviate from it. But god alive did Harry do so, and bless him for doing so.

This also was one of those records when it came out sold out instantly. Even the repressings they did sold out. Of all the Friday film soundtracks released. Part 3 is still the only one to sell out consecutively each time its been released.

That says a lot for the music.

Which even past the funk of the main title. The rest of it really is rather nice to listen too. Tracks like “Lets go for a swim”, “Walking on Hands”, “The General Store”. It’s a leap forward from the first two films. The first especially was like finding its footing. Part two found a beat and stuck with it. Part 3 was perfecting and honing it to an art.

It’s hard to express really. But once you’ve listened to the music alone for these films? You understand and get it.

You get it that, if you were to make a play list of all the Friday the 13th music and set your music playback of choice to shuffle. You’d still be able to point out the differences between them and which movie they came from.

Again its there. You can find it when you listen to it. Yet it still manages to carry a very familiar tone throughout that rarely changes. That’s really something, and it’s part of why I love this sound track. It set itself as a standard from there on with the Friday films, it never tried to sadly top Disco Jason. But it always remained catchy and consistent. Absolutely give it a listen and seek it out. Not just for the funk. Though the funk is worth the time. But it’s a solid soundtrack and absolutely worth your time. Check it and the film out, I beg of you.

Until tomorrow. Remember. Be yourself and someone will like you. Be like Shelly and you’ll have a bad time. A real bad time.