SCORETOBER!!! Day 5 Chopping Mall!!

Day 5 Chopping Mall

Oh this is a good one.

It’s also one of those I file under tainted memories fun. We’ll save that story for the end.

But this movie is just pure joy, and a tale of the dumbest white people doing the dumbest stuff only white people would get away with doing.

It also has by no coincidence, one of the funnest scores to a film.

This was another video store find growing up, and the cover art did not prepare me for what the film would unleash.

So lets jump into this one already! Short intro yeah!

Because seriously this is a fun film to watch sober or otherwise. Especially otherwise.

The Film

We open on a mall during the lawless time known as the 80’s. Where men with mullets in dirty jeans and oil stained wife beater shirts roamed ready to commit robberies

Which low and behold that is what’s happening right now!!

Yes, an unshaven delinquent is breaking into a jewelry store and stealing all he can. But soon after he began his crime spree, he is met with the mall protector. Coincidentally a robot, called The Protector.

Well criminal, your days are through! A chase begins immediately and the criminal tries shooting our metal mall protector. Only to find well…shooting metal with lead doesn’t always go how you’d expect.

The funniest part of this. Is the protector bot begins threateningly clanking its clacker hands. This is the 80’s. Robots didn’t have hands. They had clamps or if they were lucky and like Johnny 5. The y had 3 clamps for fingers.

Imagine if you will, the tv infomercial for The Gopher. The extended reach grabber tool. Or better yet the robot arm toy in toy stores.

That’s what this bad boy bot has goin for it to protect and serve.

Its adorable

But don’t let the clacker hands fool you. This droid is down to mess you up!

As our robber soon finds out. As he takes off running the Protector shoots out a taser cord. Taking the guy down and filling his ass with jolts of electricity!

This ends our commercial video.

Yes it wasn’t a for real robbery, or a setup. It was just a well produced demonstration video made by the company for their mall presentation on selling this mall their Protector bots.

Which leads directly to two fun character actors. Of which this film is full of. As well as the most what the fuck and mildly 80’s racist comments. Which are even more what the fuck.

As the salesmen is pitching his robots to the small crowd gathered at the mall, two people in the audience. Paul and Mary Bland, played by Paul Bartel and Mary Woronov. These two needed more screen time in the movie. Hell they needed a sub plot entirely about them in this movie.

As the salesman is going on about his robots, Mary makes the innocent off handed comment that ‘They look like the three stooges’, while Paul gives a more critical view by adding, “I don’t know Mary. The one in the middle has an unpleasant ethnic quality.”, he says with a grimace.

An unpleasant. Ethnic quality.

“Maybe we can use one at the restaurant. Get rid of people we don’t like”

Surely Applebees isn’t that bad.

“They remind me of your mother, it’s the laser eyes.”

This guy…jesus.

I love it. It’s so random and what the hell. Even when they hear that the machines don’t kill people. They only neutralize. The first thing Mary wonders aloud is “I wonder if they can kill cockroaches”, not missing a single beat Paul leans over and nods, “They can probably be programed to”, because why not turn a non lethal machine into a killbot.

But yes that is a rather important fact to remember here.

These Protectors, despite any unpleasant ethnic qualities they may have. Are non lethal. They are all armed with pincher hands I like to call clackers. Sleep darts which knock someone out in under 30 seconds, and a taser that’s strong enough to incapacitate its target. There are no possible hidden features that also could kill or harm anyone.

Once a target is incapacitated, the protectors communicate with a tower setup at their job site, which then allows a report to be sent to the police. Alerting authorities that a crime has been committed, and the protectors have the thieves in custody.

As an added bonus feature. All customers who order and use the protector bots security program, are immediately given steel security door upgrades.

These steel doors are super high tech military grade cut off your arm if it gets stuck in it quality sliding doors. Seriously these doors would fuck you up in a second.

So obviously your mall better have a huge ass budget to afford these droids, otherwise Paul Blart is your best chance at safety.

With that and the promise that any mall using these protectors will be 100% safe, Our comic relief couple roll their eyes and we finally get our opening credits.

Which is another thing. The original title for the film was Killbots.

Honestly they made a wise choice with Chopping Mall.

So how bout those opening credits?!

We get the most robotic synth score to ever score, all partnered with some of the greatest mall shots we will sadly never see again anywhere as malls are being phased out.

This is just to the extreme and I love it.

We got a high with stolen records stashed inside his shirt and not at all in an obvious way. We get a young couple making out heavily on a bench with no care who sees them, while an elderly couple watches nearby and decide to get a little ‘saucy’ themselves with a lewd peck on the cheek. Freakin mall sluts!! Get a room! Next you’ll be holding hands!

WHORES!!

Anyway moving right along.

We get a kid skating boarding in the mall, between bikini models which…honestly security would be all over that kids ass and throwing him down face first to the floor. Who rides skateboards in a mall?

The old man ask while someone in their 20’s will say “What is a mall?”, and we all cry.

Honestly the best gag here is a woman who is trying to balance a tray with six drinks and lunch while navigating one person after another that all nearly knock over the tray. Only to have the tray fall and spill its contents once she reaches the table itself.

Bringing us to the best scene, and greatest mall restaurant. Which used to be a thing believe it or not.

Much like malls also used to have theaters inside them too. It was a big deal. Back in the day…back in the day.

ANYWAY

We enter an Italian….pizzeria…house of pasta…let’s just call it an Italian place.

The walls are lined with every movie poster that represents the work our director Jim Wynorski has written and made with Roger Corman(mostly) It’s a fun think to spot in the background.

But the big takeaway from this scene is our chef

This motherfucker…

If you wanted a true 80’s icon of manly energy. Look no further.

The man is wearing a shirt that at one time was white. Now it’s covered, and I do mean covered in grease, pasta sauce, and meat juices. Which he adds to as the short scene with him goes on. Seriously the guy rubs a spatula across his chest soaking his shirt even more in grease. His hat is filthy. His face is filthy, hair nets were not enforced and most of all. Big sexy is puffing away at a cigarette with about a foot of ashes sitting on it, waiting to fall into the dish of an unfortunate customer.

The man is a sex symbol. Obviously.

He’s also playing up the most amazing mall food combos.

With such great plates as a slice of supreme pizza, with a side of corn.

Fruit salad with a plate of salad.

Meatballs served with pizza.

Pasta served with butter and salad.

Were these made up for the film? Were they actual mall food you’d find?

Who can say! Who knows! Anything is possible with a food handlers permit and a dream.

The scene does have one important factor to it. It’s introducing two of our main characters and their plans for the night. Which these ladies are looking forward too. We also learn their male counterparts are also looking forward to this evenings plans. What are these plans you may wonder? Well wonder no more!

If wondering around Walmart at 2am is the whitest white thing a white person can do. Imagine a group of white youths staying over night in a mall after hours for a booze and sex party!

Seriously this is a thing.

Now growing up. I will admit. You were limited in your date spot options. So the mall was a good overall spot to hang out, make out and hold hands.

But no one was making plans to stay in the mall after hours and bang in the mattress store.

We did the sensible thing. We had that idea in our twenties and we all would joke with our partner about climbing on the beds in the store and just goin at it, telling the employees we wanted to test out the mattresses.

But maybe this film was just ahead of its time. We live in a day and age where people make freaking internet challenges out of stashing yourself in a store and staying for a full 24 hours. Yeah good luck with that. Enjoy your post online followed by arrest, take a picture if you can of the officers reaction when you tell them “I didn’t think this was illegal, or that I did anything wrong.”

Again. The whitest white thing, and that’s coming from a saltine cracker.

So yes, that’s our great plan for this group of youthful 20 somethings. Stay after closing, get crunk, play some music and eat ass like a three day starved beast.

Good times.

But not all things are good. There’s a storm outside. Well more like god reached out from the heavens and zapped the Protectors tower like “People staying in a local commerce area for fornication and drink? Not on my watch!”. So yes. Lightning strikes the tower and with that, our Protector bots because Kill bots.

How does that work? Well that’s a good question. Which is never answered. Really.

I mean sure a short circuit could make them lose their shit and fire off a few extra sleep darts. Yes it’ll kill you. But you’ll be so comfortable you won’t care. But just how lethal and evil…..lethal evil. Can lightning really make a killbot?

Apparently lethal enough that the little fuckers decide ripping out throats it a viable option versus tasing and sleep darts.

I mean it is certainly effective. As they interrupt a protector tech from looking at his titty magazine and rip his throat out with their little clacker hand. Of course this now. Means our sex and booze party is going to be off the chain.

But let us not get ahead of ourselves. We need to focus on an important detail and scene in this story.

We need to focus on the fact that this mall. This mall not only has a disgusting pasta palace that serves pizza with corn. And a theater. It also has a ladies locker room and shower.

Yep. We are headed for the ladies locker room where we get to see, well. The ladies getting dressed, undressed. Changed from their uniforms into sexy clothing. Its totally not setup just to see a woman walk by with a towel while showing us her breast and 80’s pubic hair fashion.

But it is there.

So anyway we got this storm and something just as worth staring at as a lady and her front yard. We have another character acting legend and someone from our Childs Play 2 review. That’s right. It’s our favorite man of many talents, Gerrit Graham.  As we’ve said before, and this movie proves true. Anytime he shows up. He’s gonna die. So naturally he does. He’s the official second victim of our Killbots.

BUT. We can’t rush a master craftsman.

Instead. We have to begin our dance party and get down to the sexiness. Trust me when I say. This is like a nature documentary on the mating habits of spoiled rich brats. In fact one of them looks like a proto Ron Perlman neanderthal. His jaw makes up 60% of his face. His teeth make up the rest. His name is, John Terlesky. Who some of you out there may know him for his role after this film as Deathstalker in….Deathstalker 2. Or maybe as the director of 26 or so episodes of Castle? You know what nevermind. The mans jaw is a monolith.

The party is the usual mix in horror of party guys, party girls. Horny couple, and nerdy people. One of whom, is slowly but surely strangling her vagina. This movie, is famous for two things. One of which we will see soon enough, and one we see just enough to know. That this poor woman was strangling her vagina in her pants. The character Alison Parks, as played by Kelli Maroney. No one dared tell her during the making of, and it wasn’t until after the film was done did she notice, what many others had. She has the best/worst, and most featured camel toe in cinema. She later jokes about this fact and wanted to assure many that yes her vagina survived and is doing just fine.

You think I’m being a man, but it’s true. All of it. Every word.

But we also have another lady of note, and one that would teach us an important dating lesson. Suzie Lynn, played by the always wonderful Barbara Crampton. She has a special boyfriend in this film. Who has a special way of making a lady feel sexy.

Her boyfriend Greg tells her as they smooch and get close, “You smell like pepperoni”, to which she rightfully pulls away and quips “Well, if that’s how you feel.”, you’d think that ended it, but no. Greg has the perfect follow up. “Wait a minute, I -like- pepperoni.”

This raises a few concerns. None of which are that Greg enjoys pepperoni. That’s just a natural thing.

One concern. Is that, women are very aware of their smell. They do a lot to smell clean usually. Believe me when I say that if a woman isn’t feeling clean or believes she smells bad. She’ll take the time to change that. Especially if you’re going to be intimate. Even if you don’t mind! It will bother them. In my experience. So knowing the mall HAS a locker room AND shower stall. Why did she skip it?! Or is pepperoni like her Spanish fly.

Also when a woman doesn’t like the fact she works at Taco bell and comes home smelling like taco bell. Telling them you love taco bell doesn’t really flick the ‘bone me now big daddy’ switch. It’s cute to say, but your ass is gonna have to hold that energy until they shower.

Also also, we are taught, at least some of us are wisely passed on the knowledge from other men in our families. The subtle secrets of complimenting a woman, and things not to bring up. Now you may enjoy a pepperoni pizza, and if your partner comes home smelling like they’ve been rolling around in pepperoni all day? It’s not really that big a turn on or good idea to tell them “Baby you stink the stink of Pizza Hut, mmmfuck yeah pizza hut”

It is ESPECIALLY not a good idea. To say so, when in close proximity to intimate areas of your partners body. No one wants to be told they have a pepperoni smelling dick, and if your vag smells like pepperoni? Either your fuckin Mario, or you need to seriously make an appointment. Because that ain’t normal.

But I digress.

Our characters are all getting it on and flirting. They’ve graduated from the drinking and butt rubbing dances, to literally raw dogging on display bed furniture. Good luck selling a bed with the stank and skid marks of booze banging and ball dragging.

Even the nerdy couple, who are watching tv while their friends pork their brains out and moan about pepperoni. Yes even the nerdy couple eventually give into their hormones and begin deep smooching.

But Donnie you say, Where are the killbots? Are they idly standing by? Do they approve of the debauchery going on? Or does it fry their circuits into rage?

Well as luck has it, they are freely patrolling the mall now. Doing their intended jobs. Which brings us to kill number 3, and another legend in character actors.

Dick ‘Mother Fucking’ Miller.

This man was the king of character actors, bit parts and B movies. The list is far too long so I will simply say. If you’ve seen Gremlins and Gremlins 2? You’ve seen Dick Miller. If you saw the kids movie The Explorers? You’ve seen Dick Miller. Weird Science, The Burbs, Star Trek the Next Generation AND Deep Space Nine, Eerie Indiana.

The man got around, and much like our other legend in this film, Gerrit Graham. He too lives to die, and sometimes makes it another day.

This unfortunately is one of those times he does not make it another day.

He plays Walter Paisley, a janitor. Who gets the best job a janitor can hope for. Cleaning up vomit. A crap ton of vomit in fact.

Which his fellow professionals of the custodial arts mock him for on their way home. He swallows his pride and mops up the puke as best he can. The old fashioned way! Sure cat litter and saw dust clean that stuff up immediately and so much better. But he’s a man who believes in hard work.

He also is a man that has a run in with a Protector bot. Which immediately ask for his identification.

For those familiar with the film Robocop. We are about to get a smaller much cuter version of the interaction with ED-209. Dick flashes the bot his work badge to let him scan it. But the killbot is not cool with this. He threatens our janitor friend and then fires off his taser darts. Completely missing Dick Miller. Who even seems surprised by this. He also is rather upset the bot tried to tase him, so he lifts his puke covered broom ready to smack the 80’s visor of Killbot. Only to then discover the killbot did not miss. The killbot wanted to land its taser in the puke puddle Dick was standing in, and used it to electrocute him. To death!

Dick has been fried.

Well, as dick sizzles. Mike the walking jawbone has been asked by his recently satisfied girlfriend to go get her some smokes. So he slips on his jeans and heads out, but only after Leslie his girlfriend, played by Suzee Slater, Decides to flash him, and the rest of us her rather full breast. This is enough incentive to get him moving and getting those smokes!

Which will prove to be his undoing.

Not her breast, but going out.

If you want a case of breast being incentive for death, you need to watch Leprechaun in Space.

Here unfortunately Mike while looking at some smokes, runs into a killbot. Who politely ask shirtless mike for his ID. Mike chews on his tongue and cheeks for a while, or its chewing gum. It’s chewing gum. Then he presents his ID, and insults the poor killbot by quoting The Day the Earth Stood Still. “There you go, Klatu, Barada, Nikto”, this obviously is a dick move. So the Killbot lifts up its arms, begins clacking its clacker hands and approaches Greg Who then gets darted. Passes out and should be perfectly fine.

If not for the fact the killbot decides to move over to his body and rip a strip of flesh from his throat. Goodbye Mike.

Well Leslie is having what smokers call a “nic fit”, so she decides to go after her boyfriend. If her breast were not enough to motivate him to get her smokey treats. Then she will have to take matters into her own hands.

So we follow Leslie from behind, and about 3 feet lower than her head.

Yes. We are following her ass. BECAUSE, its in playboy blue panties. Which when viewed from the front. Well you can see the movie yourself.

So we follow Leslie as she takes a walk that will lead her into horror history.

Leslie discovers her lazy boyfriend and scolds him immediately for his laziness laying on the floor instead of retrieving her smokes. But as she approaches she soon discovers that Mike. Is not sleeping, nor is he messing around. His throat is missing a strip of skin and he is no more. He has past his expiration date.

She screams and takes off, just as two killbots decide to follow the pantless lady. While introducing us to a new feature not previously mentioned during the demonstration at the beginning of this film.

Apparently the killbots have death lasers in their visors.

Now there is some theory to this, believe it or not.

Some people debate that, as they have built in laser scanners to scan ID cards. It is possible sense their circuits were fried and kill mode was engaged. That they simply over power their scanning laser and it creates a focused beam of pure energy.

Some people also debate that the killbots were originally manufactured for military use but were then sold commercially. That they were given lethal means of killing. Capable of running ops missions and taking out entire buildings with explosives built in and deadly lasers.

There is also the possibility it’s just a goddamn movie and it’s a fucking Killbot with a death laser and maybe we shouldn’t over think the movie SHOULD WE SUSAN?!

So they have death lasers now. And they’re using them to playfully zap Leslie in the butt, and thighs, and shoulders. Because why not. But they wont kill her. The want to hold off on that for the right moment. Which is right in front of her friends. Who instead of opening the door to help let her in. Watch from their protected glass door and wall as she stops. Stares at them, and a killbot makes history, as he lets out a powerful laser blast and gives us the second most famous exploding head in horror movie history. That record still stands by the way. Scanners takes the number one spot if you were curious.

And yes the actress is very pleased with this fame, and her breast. Which she should be because honestly. Good for her. Good for her.

So with the public execution of Leslie now done. The real movie can begin, as all our mall inhabitants now are aware they are targets for their depravity and breaking mall protocol.

Which to be honest. If you work for a mall. If I worked for a mall, and they told us they were bringing in robot security? I would not fuck around what so ever near them and I’d transfer to the day shift because my cracker ass is not going to get killed by a killbot waiting to kill, and I sure as hell am not going to give it attitude when asking for my ID. My ass is getting paid and headed home. Believe that.

So now protector bots 1 and 2 are headed in to storm the mattress store. They smell the stank of sex and this violates store policy and health codes. So its dying time assholes!

They crash the glass with laser blast and immediately begin using sound effects straight out of Orson Welles War of the Worlds as they chase our 6 remaining party goers into the back room. Where they all decide to take time getting dressed, and listen to the killbots activating the steel security doors. Which shall remain sealed until daylight. So they are royally screwed now.

Unless they manage to live for the next 9 hours.

Now. This is a great moment. Because if you have never seen this movie before. If you saw it for the first time recently. You are about to witness something you’ll likely laugh at, but will be shocked to realize was an actual thing in malls at one time.

The guys decide the best course of action in their survival? Is to visit Peckinpah’s Sporting Good Store.

Firstly. Yes it’s a gag on the director of the at the time most violent western The Wild Bunch. MORE importantly though, and also this did exist in malls. The store sells hunting rifles, shotguns, pistols and assault rifles.

Yes getting guns in the old days was a lot easier than it is now. It also was possible in some malls to walk in and buy a gun. Also Big 5 Sporting Goods used to sell guns as well. Until recently they finally stopped and many a gun owner was mad.

But who cares. Just know that at one time you could buy all the pixie sticks you wanted, and a shotgun. Like god intended.

So now armed and dangerous. The men patrol the mall, with firepower, and the power of science. What science you ask? The science of. Again get ready for this. Propane tanks. IN A MALL!!

Want another wtf fact? They also sold flares! GASOLINE TANKS FULL OF GAS!!

You could literally buy everything to make your own meth lab AND pipe bombs at a mall!

The 80’s were a different time my friends. An awesome radical time.

So the guys encounter a killbot and begin firing like crazy, and also missing like crazy. Then out comes nerd boy to toss a propane tank toward one of the killbots and NOW they have a target to aim for. And this time, they actually hit their target! Exploding the propane tank and for the time taking out one of the killbots. Which bleeds fluid. And as Arnold taught us in The predator. If it bleeds, we can kill it.

But the mens victory is short lived as the downed killbot rights itself and is back in action. But the men have a plan. They’re rigging the elevator with propane tanks like one giant bomb. Which I am sure will come out of their paychecks later.

Meanwhile the 4 girls are busy. Busy puncturing holes into the gasoline cans, and inserting clothes. Yep they’re playing with fire!

They have a test subject for their fire bombs it appears, as one killbot has assigned themselves to chasing the ladies. So they dive for cover and wait for the killbot to get closer. Close enough for one of them to light a tank on fire and push it out for the killbot.

Which yes! It sets the bot on fire!!

But doesn’t explode. Doesn’t kill it. All they’ve accomplished is arming a killing machine with fire armor.

The ladies recognizing their failed attempt take off running. Leading us to the most avoidable, and hilarious deaths. Pepperoni stank lady has tripped and fallen as they run for cover. She has exactly 50 seconds to allow herself a chance to get up to her feet and run. Or casually stand up, dust her knees off, and limp away. OR scramble on her hands and knees to a running sprint and to cover.

Instead she pulls an Austin Powers and screams bloody murder for 50 seconds as the killbots slowly advance and eventually shoot the gas can she was carrying her.

Immediately setting her ass on fire. And she burns to death. Screaming in pain, a few feet away from her friends.

Seriously pepperoni pants could’ve lived another day. Hell another hour. But no. She slipped and decided she was done. It’s sad, and now she’s a corpse. That wreaks of fried pepperoni. #Bless

Now everyone is rushing to group up, But not our men. Well at least not all of them. Pepperoni lover is on top of the bomb elevator and coaxes a killbot inside. Immediately leaping from the elevator as the door closes, demanding they shoot the propane tank. Which our nerd boy tries. And fails. Horribly. So nerd girl takes the gun from him, reminds everyone her Dad is a marine, and one shots the tank. Exploding and for sure killing one of the killbots.

But even his victory is short lived as another Killbot is there to congratulate him and kill him.

Our group is now down to 4. A good even number. 2 men and two women.

Well these are certainly much better odds.

So the group is patching their wounds and readying for the next stage in their useless strategy of escape. Only this time. They actually have a somewhat good idea. Which mostly could work. Mostly.

There are two killbots remaining. So they need to set up a distraction and trap.

So the idea is setting up mannequins! The perfect trap! Well the Killbot is not entirely impressed with this. But it appreciates the effort and target practice. I mean the idea is to make it think there are multiple human targets. Out of these mannequins you have two humans with guns. Firing at the killbot. While the other ‘humans’ remain still.

Now. I don’t know the mind of a killbot. But I would think. If I had multiple bodies facing me. But only two firing. I should maybe focus on the two firing?

Well this killbot is dumb as hell, so it shoots at anything. But this was only stage one in their plan you see. Stage two is the real genius of the plan. Stage two is pulling back a sheet and revealing behind the mannequins. A set of full length mirrors!

So as the killbot begins firing its death laser, striking the mirror. The mirror reflects the laser blast back toward the killbot. Frying its circuits causing it to short circuit and turn into R2D2, as it spins around. Tiny arms lifting and flailing while blasting off its laser in a 360 spin.

Which unfortunately takes out our classy brunette Linda, played by Karrie Emerson.

She takes a laser blast to the tummy and she is gone. Her boyfriend seeing this and assuming no responsibility at all, and also who didn’t shout out at his girlfriend to get down, find cover, or run. He just let her stand there idly and watch the spinning death laser firing robot dance. Well he charges the killbot and, with the aid of a cart, some water, and a little miracle. The killbot electrocutes itself, and her boyfriend. With any luck, they’re holding hands together and making out in hell.

So now we are down to Alison and her boyfriend Buddy.

Well realistically we are down to one and only one of these two. Which we soon discover whom it’ll be as the two encounter the final killbot. Who chases poor Alison until Buddy enters the fray and tosses a fire extinguisher at the killbot while shooting at it. Now this killbot can’t use its death laser, because Buddy has the luck of shooting it dead center in the eye. So the killbot has to rely on good ol’ blunt force trauma to take out Buddy.

Which it does by picking up the fire extinguisher and tossing it back at full strength right back to Buddy. This instantly destroys his rib cage and crushes his heart. Goodbye Buddy. We hardly knew thee.

The movie now falls squarely on the vag strangling pants of Alison. As she enters another past time long gone from most all malls now. A pet store. Which exist solely for the purpose of covering her in snakes and tarantulas while avoiding the killbot, doing her best to hide out as the various pets and animals now run freely through the mall.

Honestly I kind of wish she pulled a Pee Wee Herman and ran back and forth from the shop saving the animals. But the building wasn’t on fire so no need.

Instead she’s able to escape and readies herself for the final battle. The final conflict with the killbot. The most epic of epic showdowns to ever melt away your VCR!

Alison runs into a paint store and begins. Opening cans of paint, and paint thinner. Dumping them onto the floor. Can after can is opened and tossed down. She calls out to the killbot, coaxing it to come at her.

And so it does. Going directly for her death trap. Alison escapes unnoticed and shouts out at the killbot as she pulls out of her sweater top a road flare. “Hey! Have a nice day!”, using the killbots own catch phrase against it. You classy bitch!

Well naturally when fire meets alcohol. It ignites. But this time it explodes, and ignites. And this time its enough to kill the Killbot. Who circles and flails its tiny arms before stopping and exploding. Alison slowly getting to her feet, claims her trophy, a blown away clacker hand from the killbot. She stumbles off away from the carnage, her mind calculating the unholy cost they’ll deduct from her pay over the next 20 years at the pasta shop. But then a pleasant surprise.

Buddy? The man we thought had his chest crushed and caved in? He’s alive! Apparently he’s just bleeding out of his head, and all he needed was some rest and a roll of toilet paper to soak up the blood.

He’s alive, she’s happy, and the two will hopefully if there is a god, shower before they’re intimate, and make no mention of the scent of pepperoni.

The End.

This movie is a trip. It’s cheesy fun, it’s never cringy. It’s just the result of a director and his crew having an absolute blast with a silly concept and making the most of it. And it pays off.

It’s classic Corman fodder in that we get our terror, a monster, nudity, and comedy. All the keys to a successful film back in the day. Especially horror.

There are bits I did leave out yes. But mostly that’s because I’ve reviewed this film before a long time back, and I’ve seen it so many times that well, my old man brain kicks in and some stuff seems less important.

Like did we really need to tell you about the classy brunette promising her boyfriend she’ll wear sexy blue panties and a lacy bra if he goes to this party that night? And even hands them to him before hand so he can see for himself what she’ll be wearing? No.

No instead telling you in great detail about why you don’t tell a woman her coochy smells like pepperoni was far more important.

But also its so you will rewatch the film. Because you should. It’s a fun ride, you won’t be disappointed, and it’s a magical run time film too. Its an hour and 12 minutes. The perfect run time for a film like this.

So yes. Please enjoy. I did promise an embarrassing story didn’t I? One that involves an ex. A trip to Walmart at 2am, an extended arm toy with clackers and a transformer face mask with voice changer.

Well that’s a story for another time. It’s nearly 3am and I need to talk about the best part of this movie.

The Music.

The film was scored by Chuck Cirino. The man has scored so so so many beautiful cheesy B movies. Including Alienator, Deathstalker 2, Sorority Houe Massacre 2, Evil Toons, Munchie and another favorite of mine. The Return of Swamp Thing.

This score is a synth score in its purest form. But. It’s also the most robotic sounding synth. It’s truly some funky beautiful music and it’s also one of the first soundtracks I was shocked to find existed and bought specifically to listen to on my first record player. Again it’s a score you can listen to from beginning to end without skipping a single track.

The guy grew up loving old 60’s tv show and film music. He could come up with 5 notes of music and create a killer track. They all had a fun theme to it and it matches the tone perfectly. Without ever losing itself. You never lose the tempo. The theme stays the same. Robotic, menacing and beautiful. The killbot theme is great. There’s even samples in there of the clacker hands. There is also great use of synthetic choral music, organs.

Its also a music score that fans of the film all agree is the best part of the film. It perfectly matches everything and even the director admitted, the moment he heard it. He felt it was better than his own movie was. The score was too good for the film!

That’s not something you hear often and it’s really true. The score is just beautiful.

The main theme gets repeated throughout the film in bits and peaces. Like a classic film. It’s catchy and gave the film a real musical voice. But even better than the main theme, we also have a beautiful track which sort of becomes Alison’s theme, but was later renamed Love Theme. Its only maybe a minute long. But its really a lovely peace of music. If you didn’t know it came from this film, you might surprise people with it. It’s just a wonderful piece of well written music that really does embrace the character so well and fits them like a pair of tight high waisted pants.

Yes I could’ve stopped myself, but here we are.

But if I’m being honest, which in these reviews I am brutally honest, and sometimes funny.

The best track on this films score, on any version of the album. Is called Showdown. Originally called ‘The ecstasy of robots”, which was a take on the “The Ecstasy of Gold” from The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly.

The director wanted some kind of western track in the film if possible. Something to pay homage to spaghetti westerns, and Chuck Cirino delivered to his friend just that and a whole lot more.

It’s both the weirdest, and coolest thing you’ll ever hear on a synth. It’s like Ennio Morricone on acid as played by Johnny 5.

It’s pure fun, and the very thing you never knew you needed but praise be it exist.

The score was really made in a very old fashion way which made sense given his background of music love from back then. It takes one central theme. The main theme and just carries it throughout, with alterations in speed, additional notes. But does so in a way that just creates something new for each track. While maintaining the original theme. I know I am repeating myself, but its really the only way to put that so I apologize. But it really is a beautiful sound track and knowing I’m not alone in my praises for it. Makes me all the happier. I’d almost go as far as to say if you enjoyed the movie, I bet you also enjoyed the music. Because it just sets that fun tone and carries throughout. Which really when you consider how many films like this were pushed out back then? The music isn’t always the best.

Which is why I enjoy getting to talk about the music and share that now. Because horror was not always treated so good. Believe me. It’s kind of crazy to think but the idea of using orchestral music for horror films? Even scoring a horror film was so taboo. Christopher Young who came along later and gave us the music for Hellraiser. Up until that point you didn’t have that kind of music accompanying horror. It was mostly quick cuts of pieces and well yes. Synth.

Synth was cheap for most filmmakers, but the scores weren’t always as rewarding as something from Carpenter, or Cirino. This was just a really lucky film.

From my understanding it really was just as simple as, Chuck sent two tracks of music. The director absolutely loved it, told him it’s perfect. Keep doing what your doing, and Chuck did. He fell in love with the design of the robots. He heard everyone on the film had fun making it and being involved with it. He got to work with his friends which added to his own enjoyment. The guy was having a blast and from that came an amazing original score.

Again I loved it growing up because to me, it just sounded how you almost felt robots talked. I’d never heard anything else like it. Like you know when you hear Carpenter’s music. Even on his tracks he released working with a band and his son. You hear it and you ‘know’ it’s him. Same with John Williams. You can tell when other people are doing their take on that type of music and this? I’ve honestly never heard anyone else make their own take on it. Which makes it all the more special to me. It’s a one of a kind. Another example of how a few simple notes, put in just the right pattern. Build something fun.

Absolutely check out the movie. I’d say buy the album but again. Wait for it.

Its been sold out forever, BUT a new repressing is coming out soon I’ve heard. But thankfully you can pick it up digitally and you really should. Hell you can even listen to it on Youtube. But should you?

Yes, the music is just so damn good!

So for now. Check out the movie and the music, let me know what you think, I shall see you all tomorrow and remember,

Never think telling your partner they smell like pepperoni is sexy. Unless you’re a Ninja Turtle. In which case. Cowabunga.