Spooktober Day 26 TERROR TRAIN!!!!

Day 26 Terror Train

Well of COURSE I was going to do this one as a followup! xD

I mean hell why not. We boarded this train with terror, so lets see where the next stop is.

Especially after God and Satan crashed our last train.

Seriously, how would you feel if you were riding a train. You hear that the big G man himself is on board, and so is Satan. So you decide to ask some questions about the meaning of life and your own experience. Only for them to say ‘Buckle up sweetheart, yolo’, and then boom bam bamalama bing bong you crash. It’d suck.

Well this time we exchange deities for horny teenagers on a train. Which if we are passing the special smelling cigarettes around, I think I will share my own head canon. That these two films are connected. The teens party rocking on the train in Night Train to Terror, for me. Were the kids from Terror Train. This is the first half of that story before god plows the train into a mountain and off into eternity.

So join me and Jamie Lee Curtis. Lets dig into this one and see where it takes us. Kicking off our final 5 for this years Spooktober.

We begin, much like JAWS, with a bonfire and some party happy teens. They’re celebrating the new year, out in the cold snow. Surrounding a bonfire and setting fire to symbolic items and voodoo dolls. While also trying to get laid, drunk, and into a fraternity.

Well mostly the guys are trying to get laid since it’s the end of the year and. Apparently a thing. You know what else was a thing? Pranks! That’s right. And what better prank to pull than the thought of this being your lucky night to get laid. And who better for that prank, than the nerdy guy.  This is a recipe for success people and it can only go one way.

Hilariously!

But then again, this is a horror story. So lets back up this hope train as it turns into a nope train.

Jamie Lee is told by her best friend, and some frat brethren, that she is to play the part of the cute hot girl that’s going to sleep with the nerdy guy. She’s inside the frat party house, decked out with flashing lights to illuminate the darkness within.

Meanwhile outside 4 men, including our lead Prankster, are goading Mr Nerd to go upstairs and get his candle lit, if you know what I mean. I mean penis in vagina intercourse.

So he decides why the heck not. I like this sex that I have heard so much about. But Jamie Lee isn’t so sure about this. She knows it’s a prank and she is afraid of hurting his feelings. As well she should be as girls do have it pretty rough in college and it gets worse when you get any kind of reputation. But her frat sister says DO IT!!. So she coaxes the love nerd into her sin din and he begins undressing, right down to his yellow nut huggers. That, is certainly a choice, and a look.

Well she’s standing off in the shadows, hiding. Telling him to join her on the bed. Where we see what looks to be a dummy of some kind. You can see where this is going.

He slips into the bed and Jamie Lee whispers for him to kiss her, but as he leans in for that smooch of all smooches. We realize. The prankster who set this up is pretty fucked up, and that’s coming from me!.

The dude did not setup a dummy on the bed. He didn’t use a blowup doll either. Dude put on the bed, a full blown real deal gutted and arms removed cadaver from the medical building, into that bed. For nerd boy to makeout with. Which thankfully he does not. He just stares in absolute terror as this body is laid out on the bed beside him. As he begins losing his collective shit, suddenly the frat bros are all standing in the room laughing. Jamie Lee is concerned. Because he gets so freaked out he stand up, and in his panic. Begins tangling himself in the thin lace hung above the bed. Quickly becoming tangled and then..chokes.

So that’s our happy cold open folks.

College protip #1 When attending college, immediately make friends with the person in charge of cadavers. It’ll lead to friendships. Both living and otherwise.

So now we can begin our much needed title sequence and bring into frame the titular Terror Train! Choo Choo!! Mother Trucker!

And for those wondering and raising your hands on the bus before we board the train. This is now 3 years after that fateful night. The students are all in costumes, in relationships and fell into their own groups. Jamie Lee has a boyfriend she loves very much. The head prankster is still an asshole, and now we have to stop for a segment that is very needed for this review as it is key to the films enjoyment. Terrible Joke Guy. His soul purpose and reason for being. Is bad jokes. Which he begins with thus.

“Anyone seen my girlfriend? She’s the one with the big caboose!”

Yes he is proud of that joke.

We should ALL, be so proud.

Almost as proud as he was of another moment where a man pulls out a Schlitz beer “Let’s have a toast”, to which he has to point out “Hey, my goodman, that’s not toast!”

Oh we are just getting started.

“Hey Mr. Conductor! Did you say all aboard? Well they can’t be all bored, I just started!”

If you begin to feel a tingle at the base of your spine. Don’t mind that. It’s just your will to live, seeping.

But oh wait, he isn’t done. He finds a poor soul with a blowup doll and ask her to open her eyes and look at him. Which it can’t. “Just my luck, she’s a lesbian!” They can’t all be winners, or soul suckingly horrible.

The men working this train are going to need all the alcohol they can get ahold of to deal with this.

Between pranks, bad Groucho jokes, rampant horniness, and eventual deaths. Well. One of those can’t come soon enough. You can pick which.

Okay I’ll pick. MURDER!!

Yes, we get our first death and it’s literally out of the blue! But who. Who could be our lucky victim!

Why its…oh crap. Well. Goodbye Terrible Joke Guy. That’s why I focused so much on his jokes. I had to get you thankful for their passing. And as he passes onward to hell, for surely it is the only place that could stand him. A mysterious figure claims his groucho mask and boards the train, along with the sword that was planted in his belly. Things are looking up now!

Speaking of up. Some of these costumes are not even costumes. They’re just pants. I am not joking. There is a girl, dancing with the highest high waisted pants. They come up just around her breast. It’s. A choice. And both the worst way to cover your breast, as well as the worst cameltoe you could give to yourself. In the history of toes. These kids are all punks and their costumes look like they grabbed them off a rack. Which. They likely did. So moving along.

These kids are full on partying and the train just got moving. Our killer is lurking around, and people are getting drunk. But more importantly to the story, and for us. Prank Lord is sharing the story of his great prank from 3 years ago. Telling the tale of how he made friends with a clerk in charge of the cadavers and just happened to get lucky that night and ‘borrowed’ the body of a woman who’d been cut into pieces. Jamie Lee is not amused by this story and decides to tell them all how his prank put Nerd guy in the hospital. They never say for how long though, and what kind of hospital. So yay for him not being dead! But sads for him going to a possible mental hospital. But we needed him there to become our killer.

But before Jamie Lee can gas light the Prank Lord further, he reminds her that she too was there, and played her part. Which she brushes off and decides “It’s the new year we should be happy and drinking! Wooooo!” So they decide she is right. Forget all that scaring someone into a hospital business, lets get wasted!

SO hows our killer doing? Well. He’s busy trying to get the attention of a blond girl on the train. But she’s not really the brightest. He pulls out a cigarette case with a severed finger and a few cigs inside. This is a joke box that you could stick a finger through and make it look like you had a REAL SEVERED FINGER INSIDE!!

But the killer actually DOES HAVE A SEVERED FINGER IN THERE!!! Only she thinks its fake and simply says “I’ve seen this trick, it looks gross.” Takes a cigarette and ventures on her way. Well he figures that plan didn’t work to spook her, lets follow her and try another. So she jokes about helping him find his blowup doll girlfriend. But he’s more interested on if his hands can fit around her throat. So he ops to find out! But before she can begin experiencing the sensation of being choked out, they are interrupted.

By a lizardman. Well a kid dressed as a lizard man. Who laughs about the jokes Terrible Joke Guy was telling at the tracks, and how cool AND funny it was when he had that sword through his belly. As the killer stares daggers into his face, through the Groucho mask he took from Terrible Joke Guy, Lizard man decides to ask Mr. Killer, if he’d like a drink. He creepily nods to him and follows after him to a nearby bathroom. Where yes. Poor, poor lizardman is killed. But not before the killer reveals his identity to him. To which he stares back, shocked “Oh no! No please!” and wham bam, through the mirror on the train.

It’s worth saying here that the killer in the Groucho mask? The mask on him really is surprisingly creepy, he looks appropriately menacing through the mask, and it is a bit unsettling to look at. So props to  the movie for it.

I never knew he could look so creepy. Then again no one thought Shatners mask would be scary until they thinned the eyebrows and painted it white.

So we are now down two bad kids. But what of Jamie Lee you ask? Well she’s still snogging with her man. Happy to be a on a train. Which he told her he got for her. How one buys a train for someone? I don’t know. But its got her feeling all romantic in the panties. That is until Prank Lord interrupts just long enough to tell us all it was his idea. Not her sweet boyfriends. This upsets her naturally. She REALLY does not like Prank Lord. Like at all. And he enjoys that. Because it ruins her relationship. This guy only gets off when others are upset or hurt. Apparently.

BUT!!

It also leads us to a great moment in comedy, and seriousness.

So Jamie Lee’s boyfriend is dressed up as a man parrot for. Reasons.

When he sees Jamie Lee, who is dressed as a pirate(with booooooooty!) upset. Well it makes him upset. Apparently after the prank 3 years ago, she avoided him and his parties. Because he always pulled pranks and she didn’t want to be a part of it or him. So he felt that by buying a train(Again no idea how someone buys a train) she wouldn’t be able to leave one of his parties. But this isn’t the part that really digs into her butt cheeks. That comes from his own plans for the other students.

He bought the train, he also bought the liquor. So that means, he who controls the liquor. Controls the party. And what party would it be, if he didn’t spike the liquor! That’s right. He’s laced the booze with….some kind of drug. So anyone drinking is going to start tripping heavy duty balls. THAT is what sets her off. She gets so mad she walks right out of the cart meant for seniors. Upsetting her boyfriend. Because he’s kinda friends with Prank Lord, but Prank Lord upset his girlfriend. Who he’s got the feels for. So as he follows his girlfriend, we hear in parrot voice “You’ll pay for that”, after which. Parrot boy turns around and stares daggers into the man. Before joining his girlfriend.

If you ever upset a parrot man, and he says “You’ll pay for that” in a parrot voice. You know you’ve crossed a line buddy. You know.

Now, I have held a secret from all of you. A powerful. Dark secret. We have a dark lord on this train. A man who’s name we do not dare speak aloud.

Actually lets. WE GOT DAVID COPPERFIELD!!! Yes! The one and only! A very young David Copperfield is on this train and he’s…..playing a magician. A very talented magician. Who’s mostly complaining about playing on a train full of teens. He demands respect. This man made the Statue of liberty vanish! He deserves our respect! And fear!

But these kids are enjoying his illusions and tricks. He’s a nice relief from awkward kids. Like Parrot Boy. He’s trying to get Jamie Lee back on his side. Which he achieves by telling her to simply calm her tits and stop being a wet blanket! Sure his friend is a horrible human being. Who seems only to live for bringing suffering into the lives of other students. But he’s rich and did all this to entertain their friends! So get bent lady!

This obviously will score him points in the end. Or will it? No. No it doesn’t. She rightfully jumps him to go watch the magic show. Which is actually a really decent magic show. It’s well produced for a train spectacle. We have a never ending cards from nowhere trick. A levitating assistant and moving furniture. Heck he even makes his assistant vanish in mid air. Its actually a pretty nifty little show. No one knows who invited the magician. But everyone loves them, and to be fair. You don’t invite David Copperfield. He just shows up.

College Protip#2 magicians are always great, and women lose their shit with magic. Not magic the Gathering.

Well Parroy Boy is still sad. Jamie Lee wont talk to him, and his prankster friend is the only friend he has in the train world right now. So the two begin drinking. Assuming they can work out their problems mutually. Which they do. Thanks to the arrival of two lovely ladies, ticked off that they won’t get laid and their dates. Groucho and Lizardman are nowhere to be found. So Mr. Prank lord decides to use his college brain and decides the best thing they can do. Naturally. Is these two dateless girls.  Which Parrot Boy is all too proudly ready to do.

College Protip#3 When dealing with relationship issues, always reach out and bang the closest desperate individual you can.

Well, our happy conductor. Who actually is really happy. He’s having fun with these kids. They’re all nice enough to him, and laugh as his mildly lame jokes. Well, he’s making sure that everyone is safe since they aren’t sober, and that everyone who is sober, is accounted for. So when a concerned Jamie Lee hears from a friend about two girls not being able to find Groucho and Lizardman. She decides to ask the conductor to look for these friends. Which he thankfully does.

But it also leads him to discovering the dead Lizardman. That’s put a dampness on his mood. He discovers Lizardman dead on the floor of the bathroom. He can’t handle this on his own, so he ask for help from another train assistant. The two setout to recover the body. Even going so far as. Well. Following procedure. They contact the engineer and tell them about the body and plot a course for the nearest stop, and safest. Which is interesting protocol. Apparently the trains can travel in reverse back to their point of departure in an emergency, albeit much slower, but they’d have to alert other trains as to avoid an accident. Well this would cause one, so they decide to speed up the train and make way for the next stop. As they do this, the two men head back to the bathroom.

When they reach it however. Our lizardman is not dead! He’s apparently alive and well. Also he’s white now. Which no one questions.

Unfortunately. However. We know the killer is in that suit now. He’s wisely changed costumes. This information would have helped stop a lot of things from happening. Most importantly. The death of our next victim. The original blonde lady that Groucho the killer stalked and was GOING to kill, until Lizardman walked into his life. She is passing the conductor and his friend as they help Lizardkiller up to his feet. She decides to take him off of their hands and lead him back to his room.

Or. Hers.

Yep. She’s the steal your boy kind of friend. Seducing him with such lines like “You know, you and me, never really…got to know one another” and “This could be a first for us too, you know.” That last night came about not because they are virgins. But because they had to quickly duck into her bed on the train to hide….FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND!! Who is talking to Prank Lord about how her man is probably off trying to hit on some floozy, it wouldn’t be a first. Well. Blondie thinks she is about to bed another girls man. Until he tosses a severed hand at her breast and chokes her out.  Goodbye Blondie.

But we are leaving that crowd now. For another time honored 80’s tradition. Racism! That’s right. We have a chubby man child onboard who is dressed in as much red white and blue as he can. He begins doing a senatorial speech, on his position on matters in the middle east. Where he talks about bombing those camel jockies, and his, official stance on those people? “Fuck’em”. That’s the sort version of his act. Act least we can hole it’s an act.

Jamie Lee is not entirely taken by this act so she ventures on her own. Without a man, and without a friend. It’s at this moment dark being like to latch onto people and take them. So naturally David Copperfield floats over to her and begins enchanting her. With floating roses and his smoldering gaze.

I’m not saying he’s an attractive man. But I am saying I would feel safe and at home in his arms nestled into his chest. But that’s a story for another time.

Right now, we have to remind ourselves. That Prank Lord is an asshole. Even if he bought this train, and the booze. He didn’t buy the magician, so that’s something. But he’s about to prank the man who was standing up for him. Parrot boy. See. Prank lord took off with his lady friend from earlier. He didn’t plan on sleeping with this sultry loose lady of questionable morals. He intended on finding Jamie Lee, and telling her that, Parrot boy was waiting for her, back in the seniors cart.

Which of course yes, that is where he is, but that also is where HE is with high waisted pants for a bra girl.

Speaking of. We check on these two, and she is feeling frisky AND handsy. But Parrot boy is having second thoughts on his attempt at cheating. However one turn from High waist and…she now is naked. Her pants fell! YES we see her breast! Yes it’s a nice sight. YES she is wearing panties. But more importantly. Above all else! Those pants are gone, and her poor vagina can sigh in relieve that those pants are no longer riding up into her valley.

That IS relief.

What however isn’t relief. Is our poor poor conductor. I really feel for this man. I mean he was really enjoying himself on this train ride. Then he found Lizardman. Only to find them up and moving again. But he can’t shake this feeling something isn’t right. He knows what isn’t right. The lizard suit had blood on it when he first saw it. But the second time, it was clean of blood. Well he tries easing his mind and goes off to patrol the train, as he does though. He discovers cheating blonde! Dead! Dead and bloody. Now he’s back to losing it. But he composes himself well. He isn’t panicking, and he isn’t ranting and screaming. He’s being calm and collective. He runs into Jamie Lee, on her way to see her boyfriend. As he passes her, he ask if she knows who the shoe from the body belongs too. She tells him its her best friend, when she ask why. He tells her to follow him. They take off as she tells him she needs to find her boyfriend. Which thankfully they do. However luckily for him. The door is locked on his side and she can’t get in there to find him with another naked woman. So Mr. Conductor ask her to come with him once more, taking her to the baggage area. Where he finally tells her. Away from anyone else that could cause a scene, that her friend is dead. Which she immediately doesn’t believe. So they run back to the bunks and she discovers for herself. Her best friend the cheating minx, has had her throat slashed.

This is only the start of her problems though, sadly.

Meanwhile, As Jamie Lee cries over her lost friend. Prank Lord is drunk and enjoying heckling David Copperfield. Which for any other mortal would be a death sentence. However the train ride isn’t over just yet! However it is over for someone. While Prank Lord is enjoying the show. Parrot boy resurfaces and angrily grumbles at his friend for trying to set him up for further punishment from his girlfriend. So the two have a little argument. But are friends after all, so they quickly get over it.

College Protip #4 Quickly resolve any and all conflicts with your bro, and never see things from your partners point of view. Immediately shut them down.

Well, while the magic show is Copperfieldtastic. What isn’t fantastic is that Parrot boy is no longer feeling well. In fact. He’s feeling like he’s dying. Because he is. At some point, the killer pulled a Copperfield and stabbed him.

Drawing out of Prank Lord a rather convincing  losing his shit scene as his best friend and the only man he’d marked on his ballot as a guy he’s go gay for if he ever did, dies in his arms.

He’s not the only one though. There’s another death we didn’t hear about. But we discover thanks to Prank Lords behavior. He cries havok and lets slip the tears of bro, crying out and pulling on the emergency break cord. But the train doesn’t stop. Mr. Conductor is on the move and sadly, he discovers the trains engineer is dead. So he stops the train and does the only thing that makes sense to him. Gets everyone OFF the train, so they can search for the killer and other bodies.

It’s at this point, that Jamie Lee and Prank Lord put things together and realize. They will be next. For this killer surely can only be. Well okay yeah it’s easy to know who. The nerd boy they pranked into a hospital. HE must be the killer! Well now Prank Lord has a plan. He grabs Jamie Lee and heads back onto the train. Throwing her into a room with him and kicking the handles off the door, Jamming another door shut. Figuring the best thing they can do. Is lock themselves away in a cabin so the killer can’t get them. Which honestly. That sounds like a pretty good idea. And two are harder to kill than one. In theory.

But Jamie Lee is having none of this. She wants out and she wants out now. Which magically she achieves. But this leaves Prank Lord all on his own. Will he be fine? Hell no!

It’s a great scene and something that, though its meant to be terror filled, as this is the Terror Train. It is just hysterical. Prank Lord believes the killer just may be in the room with him. Hiding. So he grabs the stand from a champagne bucket and returns to monke.

This term, for those unaware. Is from gaming, when you lose all sense of control, and begin bashing and beating things hysterically, ultimately making monkey noises.

That is exactly what he does. Stabbing at shelves, the top of his closet space, and anything inbetween. All while making monkey noises.

But it doesn’t help him. As he’s confronted by….a woman. We see a hand with manicured and painted nails holding his shoulder. To which Prank Lord sighs “It was just a joke”, and his throat. Is slit.

A victory for those who drank his drug laced booze, a defeat for his parents who gave him the money for that train.

We are obviously now down to the final act here, the face off. And things are getting questionable. Like how the magician seems to be the possibly suspect, as the nerd boy was into magic. And if Prank Lord didn’t hire the magician. It could be nerd boy. But more questionable to me however. Is that Prank Lord was killed by a finger nail polished hand. Add to that, a few scenes where the magicians assistant looks…..surprisingly manlike. At times.

So we are deep in the who dunnit game now. Its anyones guess. We have swords used in the murder that seem to have belonged to the magician. Even a switch blade that was used to kill Parrot Boy. But now. We have a killer with an Axe. WHO! WHO DAMNIT! Who could this mad person be!

Well we are about to find out. As they’ve discovered were Jamie Lee is hiding out. They seem to have found her sleeping! So they go at her with an Axe! But it wasn’t her thankfully! It was the missing blowup doll from earlier! Why did she have it………………………..huh.

Well she is on the move now, running from the mystery killer. But her chase is coming to an end. She’s cornered now. Whoever the killer is. They are NOT happy with her. Sure if its nerd boy he’s be a bit peeved with her. But does it mean choking her is the answer? Choking her soaking her top in blood? Choking her soaking her top in blood and showing a very sheer bra off that displays her okay you get it.
WELL OF COURSE IT IS! They’re a madman/woman killer. Logic does not work for them.

It’s honestly a well done fight between these two. Going from a chase through the train, to Jamie Lee being put in a cage and stabbed at with a large metal crowbar, To a life and death struggle at the back of the train until she kicks the killer shouting out Harrison Fords Iconic line “Get off my train!” But no. No she kicks the killer off.

But not off the train! They are still holding on! Just barely.

It’s a very fun and legit kinda scary scene. Jamie Lee is resting finally on the train and after being told they have 15 minutes before they get to their stop. She dozes off by the window and. We see through the window. Upside down. The killer in an old father time mask pawing at the glass and slipping down past it. Creepy man! Creepy cool.

But her remaining friends are sad for her, and scared for themselves. So they ask her to please get up and join the others. That way they can all be safer together. Strength in numbers and all.

However this is a horror film. So we still have a murder mystery and potentially more stiff!

Which we do get. Yes. We have a dead train employee, and, unfortunately. Sadly. The worlds greatest magician pulls one final trick. They perform their death. Yes. David Copperfield’s the Magician has been killed. In a box of swords no less.

So who is the killer?!!

After Jamie lets loose her second signature scream upon discovering his body. She runs off to the safety of the trains luggage compartment and it is there that she finds.

None other than.

Well duh, Nerd boy.

Yep it was always nerd boy. BUT

It was TRANS Nerd boy!

That’s right. They were the lovely assistant of David Copperfield. So who was the greater magician? David ‘I made the Statue of Liberty vanish’ Copperfield? Or Nerd “I tucked my dick for years’ boy? You be the judge.

They honestly did good makeup with them, thought yes you could tell at several times the assistant was indeed someone dressed as a woman. But still. It works.

Oh nerd boy dies.

But what? Wait how? When!? Well As they confront Jamie Lee, they demand of her a kiss. The kiss they were meant to have had that night 3 years ago! Well Jamie Lee gives him what he asked for, and. No she doesn’t stab him. She just smears blood on his hands and….this sends Nerd boy into a rage. I mean a full on spinning around the room screaming rage! He loses his collective shit and just like that, out the open slide door of the train he goes. As the train passes a bridge and he plummets to the icy river below.

Jamie Lee watches triumphantly.

A victory for her and the remaining members of their school, a crushing realization she has no friends or boyfriend.

The end . Roll credits.

Actually don’t roll credits. Immediately stop as the train ventures off into the distance, and begin Night Train to Terror. You will see I am not crazy and that these films beautifully, perfectly align to form one entire film. It’s true damnit!

So the movie is good, it’s not Halloween good, true. But it is a good vehicle for Jamie Lee. She gets to do more than scream and be scared all the time. She actually gets some character bits to play with and the cast are likeable enough. Aside from Prank Lord. The conductor was a real honestly good character and change from the usual moronic lets ignore what’s happening characters they usually stuff into those roles. And hell they even made it to the end. So kudos to them.

It’s worth owning I would say. The film, though dated. Is still a good who dunnit style story. Limited budget sure but it’s a fun setting for this kind of story, and its clever how they handle everything. It has a good solid cast of soon to be and rising actors. Magic always makes things better. And the kills were pretty creative.

And the cover itself is simplistic and fun.

Yes as I said in the last review, the cover is a groucho masked man holding a dagger, standing in the entryway to a train cart room. It’s creepily lit and isn’t hiding what it is, and it has the great tag line “The Boys and Girls of Sigma Phi. Some Will Live. Some Will Die.” It doesn’t get funner than that folks.

Give it a go and seriously pick it up.