Spooktober Day 25 NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR!!!

Day 25

Night Train to Terror

When you’ve got one chance left in a nine lives cat, a dog eat dog sly smile. You got a Molotov cocktail with a match to go, and you smoke your cigarettes with style? Well I can tell you honey you can make your money tonight!

Yes we will be loaded like a freight train

You could be flyin like an aeroplane

And if you are feeling like a space brain

You won’t be the only one tonight.

Bless Guns N Roses for Night Train

But that is not this what so ever in any way shape or form. This is a night train. To Terror!

Is this the movie you are probably thinking with Jamie Lee Curtis? NO!!

Is this not the one with a kid in a mask killing people on a train? HELL NO!!

This is the sometimes over looked one with the very cool cover of a bloody kitchen knife STABBED into the train tracks.

This is the one about a train bound for hell.

Yes that’s right, a night train TO HELL!

This is as classic as classic can be when you want a good old fashioned horror story anthology. Yep. We have God and his buddy the Devil deciding on the fates of a few select souls on their way to the afterlife. We have three stories and we shall do our best to accommodate them all for you right here and now. So present your ticket, plug in your headphones and ignore the train announcements because you already know you would be looking for a plug to charge your overpriced iphone and listen to some music.

So here we go.

THIS PARTY IS ROCKIN!!!

Who knew, let alone imagined the train to hell would have such rockin’ tunes AND dancers. Seriously this is a happening place, people are partying hard, rocking out to some kick ass music of the times, while a very elegantly bearded God discusses with Mr Satan the lives of the people on board. As this train is going to crash soon and deliver these souls where they need to go.

It’s a fun conversation between the two as they debate how each one handles. Well. Our lives. God tends to take a more hands off approach and let us live as we wish. Where as the devil likes offering us distractions, like cocaine. He’s actually really happy about that one. He likes having a bit of fun. But god doesn’t like his shortening of life, he prefers the easy breezy drug free lifestyle. Which isn’t terrible. But we aren’t here for this, we want stories of terror on our terror train!.

So God tells Mr. Satan they need to get going before they reach their…ahem. Final destination. No? Okay whatever.

Case#1 HARRY

Harry is an asshole. But a fun loving one. He drives a car that looks like it was placed through a Wonka machine and turned a mini coupe into a tall mini coupe. He also likes to drive so fast it scares the literal and figurative piss out of anyone with him. As God informs us “By day he’s a hard working salesmen. But by night he loves fast cars, women and booze. Sometimes a little too much.” And he’s not about to slow down any of these things. Especially on his wedding night. Never had an ‘accident’ looked so hilarious, as when you have an insanely fast moving stretched coupe. Cutting to a bride calmly asking him to slow down. Only to speed up even further. Until they crash off a bridge.

Unfortunately she dies. But Harry Asshole lives. Which is unfortunate. But he has found himself now in a hospital of some kind. Not one looking to help so much as, commit.

But it doesn’t end there. This is an asylum….wait for it…..

OF TERROR!!

It also employess Bull from Night Court. THAT is the greatest reason to come here.

Actually it’s not. Bull is an orderly….murder person. With incredibly beautiful masculine hair.

But he also kills men, and fondles topless women. I seem to be getting ahead of myself.

We cut away from Harry Asshole so we can see the outside of this place. Just as a young happy couple come approaching asking for assistance. Bull invites them in and…drags the man off to his fate. While taking the woman to a padded cell. Which he visits later and we find her bare breasted, with very. Very tall nipples. Nothing wrong with that. Just very tall and proud. But Bull is not going to do something very proud to her, though he is very tall.

All of this happens of course, while Harry Asshole is given a drug and placed under hypnosis. But why. Well that’s easy! Actually it’s not because the film doesn’t really tell you. But thankfully I am here to tell you and hold your hand while we make direct awkward eye contact the whole. Time.

Actually I won’t. We’ll just go with it so you get a nice treat.

But we see a flashback of Harry. He’s at a bar and tossing drinks as to make it appear he is drinking to get drunk. He orders drinks for the bar. Which is usually very friendly. But there’s only one old man there with them, and he also flirts very heavily with the blonde bartender. Who seems into it.

So we have booze that he loves, and women. Two out of three for night time Harry.

But by morning, our bartender is singing in a church, and good old Harry Asshole attends, singing beside her and also grabbing a paper cup of red wine as they are passed out at the church. But he slips a little something into hers and. She now is topless, and he is. Well like Mr. Bull all hands on deck and using her nipples like radio knobs. I guess. We don’t see actually.

But it doesn’t stop there. Oh no! We also see Harry picking up a curly haired brunette at a restaurant. Having wine with her, and then axing her. As well as a short haired brunette. This man is on a kill streak!

Though he isn’t alone. Back at our hospital. The old man from the bar is visiting. Which seems a bit odd. But he seems, possibly to be a policeman? Maybe. He ask the doctor in charge, and Bull. If a young woman and man had come driving by there recently. He says nope no idea what you are talking about. Leave my property. But old man cop whips out some information he got from the public library, or DMV. Which states the car they drove was registered to…that hospital! Well that’s an odd thing isn’t it? Well the doctor tells him “Look bro, I don’t know what you’re up too but they ain’t here.” So old man cop ask to take a look around, so they can sort out this car ownership business. So they relent and let him in.

Is this the end for old man cop? No actually. They don’t kill him. But they do, however, and rather oddly. Choose to show him, the very girl he was asking about. Our blonde from earlier who was attacked by Bull. Well she’s now lost her mind. She’s sitting in a padded cell, rocking back and fourth and not speaking.

Which prompts a funny but wrong scene as the old man calls out her name very gingerly. No response. So he shouts her name out as loud as he can! No response. Though Bull tells him to shush, “She’s not all there sadly.” The old man cop leaves saddened, but Bull is in high spirits and shouts out the girls name just as loudly at her, laughs and takes off. He’s in a good place right now.

But our topless ladies however, are not. And Bull isn’t done just yet. Back in the hospital he’s got a woman in a bikini paid out on a hospital bed. Handcuffing her to the bed and strangling her. Odd choice to focus on Bull but don’t worry. We’re getting back to Harry.

But not before Bull moves from Bikini babe to a redhead also strapped to a table. Only this time. He’s helping her remove her clothes, displaying her breast implant scar, and then taking a saw to her leg. Which until it was cut looked very nice.

Also unfortunately. We see that there is, an entire ROOM filled with cut body parts. All in a hospital room. All being shipped and collected. Just what the hell is this madman doing!

Well they are selling bodies for money. We learn this with narration which says “Bodies for money. Bodies for money, these evil doctors kill them and sell their bodies for money, to medical schools and hospitals around the world.”

Well how the hell does this bode for Harry? Is he too going to get cut up by Bull?

No.

You see.

These aren’t flashbacks at all.

Harry has been hypnotized and made to go out and collect these women, drug them, bring them to the asylum, and Bull has his fun, while also cutting and collecting their parts.

We learn this as during these murders, the doctors helpful assistant pays some extra attention to Harry Asshole. Because she seems to like him. We know this because she’s administering some medication oh im to help bring him back from the hypnosis, and is doing so in lingerie. Which is not typical of anyone in the medical field. But to be fair nothing is typical in murder asylum either.

So the story shifts now. As we are made aware what is going on and that, Assistant lady seems unhappy with things. She doesn’t want any harm coming to her Harry Asshole, so she wants to protect him, and the best way to do that? Is to drug the head doctor and cut him up. So now its just her and Harry running things. But while she wants to run murder asylum with him at her side. Harry Asshole wants a normal life. Whatever that is at this point. Well we find out from Harry. That he wasn’t being helped. She was keeping him under her control! She was giving him injections and taking him from the doctors control to her own. Planning on delivering more bodies and getting rich. But Harry says nuts to all that!

They end up fighting and harry knocks her out, strapping her to a table. Leaving her for the crazy patients to find and torture. Which yes. There are crazy patients. Including the doctor! They didn’t cut him up at all! They just did brain surgery on him! But now the doctor is performing crazy surgery on his former assistant! All while Harry fights for his life against Bull. Which, his name should tell you. Is not as easy as it sounds! The two are locked in a life or death struggle, Bull always gaining the upper hand. Until Harry says “Oh they’re ready to film you for Night Court.” So Bull understandable turns around, and Harry whips out his large butchers knife, beheading our beloved Bull. Well okay he’s not beloved in this but, nevermind.

So harry is now free to escape, and free the remaining girls he’d found that had not been cut apart yet, escaping this asylum of crazy murder!

Thus ending our first story.

Yes it’s not that easy to follow initially. Because it doesn’t give you much to go by. Not so much from poor writing as it is that the story was really only 20 minutes long and told in a gothic horror story way. But with a strong 60’s flair. The action, gore, and music are very reminiscent of things like A Thousand maniacs or Blood Feast. Right down to the music eerily enough. But once you get what’s happening, and if you figure it out before you get close to the end. It’s a pretty cheesy fun romp. With long tall nipples. Sorry.

Well god wasn’t entertained by that story. But Mr. Satan really enjoyed it. Even as God debated with him that Harry did turn things around at the end. But he isn’t sure he is fit for heaven. So he earns himself 100 years in purgatory!

Well that’s not so bad. The doctor and his assistant however earned one way tickets to hell.

You want some more rockin out? Well you got it!

This train is a rock video happening at all hours! These souls are still rockin out singing the same damn song they were 20 minutes ago. But they are giving it there all! For our benefit! Seriously it’s pretty hilarious and out of place. Which makes it even more in place than it was.

But now we have our next story. One Satan is excited for as he really wants this soul. The soul of.

Gretta.

Gretta is a young girl, who came to the big city to find success as a musician, and love. She worked at a carnival selling popcorn. Until a man pushed four hundred dollars down her top, tossed away the popcorn and she says “Why the hell not.” The mans name is George. She gave herself over to him, which we discover as he’s dressed her in the finest sheer nightwear available. He also helped her find success. By making her a movie star. In his porn films. Yes. This is now her life, as he used her for his own devilish means and ruined her life.

But there is hope. Possibly. As a man, named Greg was beating off watching Stag films and happened to see Gretta on the screen. He immediately felt his heart throb like his manly bits and decided to track her down. Discovering the club she worked at. And just like that, with the most “I am bat shit insane and unstable” gazing this girl could give Greg. The two end up in a relationship. Sharing an apartment, receiving gifts from strange nameless men, because she ask for them. The two seem to be in bliss. They even go out for real dates too! Where she doesn’t have to pull favors. In fact one of these dates lead them to where it all started. The carnival.

But George isn’t too happy with this. Not too happy at all.

So George invites them to his, Death Club.

Now, I am no psychiatrist. But if a man, whom you took his girl from, invites you to his Death Club. You should. Understandably, and calmly decline the offer.

But these two are stupid decide why not, yolo and all that.

So they are brought to the murder club. And what happens at murder club? Well death. Not murder. Kind of. Let’s catch everyone up.

So the group sits in a circle, and they talk about playing, essentially different variations of Russian roulette. Where like tonight, right now. A guest of there’s came with a giant pupper beatle, which he says is a Tunisian Beatle. That has ONE sting from its stinger, and that is enough to kill a human being. So he suggest they all let this thing loose in the room and see who it kills. So these people are death junkies who get off on the possibility of dying.  And also stop motion beatles.

The only thng we are told about this creature is that movement of any kind is likely to cause it to attack. So stay still and don’t cause a fuss. Or its your ass!

So they let this thing fly free and it roams the room happily. Flying around while these people wait their turns, watching it land and approach them one after the other. Waiting to see who will flinch, WHO will die. But sadly/thankfully no one does. At least not in their club.

As they have the window open for this game. With the idea it will either kill one of them, which they want. Or it will fly off and they are therefor safe. However anyone else outside? Not so much. WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS! And comically too. We see the thing buzz on out the window and stumble on a woman straddling her man on a park bench. The mans about to reveal her breast and. HERE COMES THE STING!! Right in the cheek. His face balloons outward and blood explodes all over the ladies face.

Everyone is all smiles at this point. Even Gretta is smiling. Horny smiling. However Greg is not. He wants no part in this, and the very thought that his pure, gold hearted former adult film star girlfriend could be into something so crude worries him.

But not enough he doesn’t stick around for more murder games!

Next up is every kids must have Star Wars toy. The Darth Vader shock machine! This thing looks like Vader and you can’t tell me it wasn’t on purpose.

But unfortunately it’s not called that. It’s instead ‘The Contessa’s electrocution computer. It’s operation is to administer a shock to random people. They receive a small shock, no shock, or ‘the ultimate’. They also. Leave one seat open. Just like Russian roulette one of the chairs is left empty. Giving the chance that. Well yeah.

Also for some reason the Russian in their group, has decided to hold a gun. Because well. If he’s going to fry. Why not kill someone else as well?

Unfortunately though. Greg is still not happy. Though his girlfriend is having the time of her life. She even teases him how cool it would be if she just had her head pop off during the game. Greg, expresses how upset he is with all this, by telling her he really hopes she does die. So then she’ll be out of his life for good.

So does Greg bite it? No. Does Gretta? No. WHO DOES?! Geourge?! Well actually no.

The man who brought in the Tunisian beatle gets shocked to the point his face melts off. It’s enough that Greg is done and he is out the door for good. Gretta however returns with George. But not for long fortunately. Or unfortunately. As she has lived on the edge now thanks to Murder Club. She is no longer threatened by George, and feels his isn’t worth her time. So she leaves him and returns to Greg. To live a normal life, without murder. Which. How you could go back to a man who saw you enjoying yourself doing something, you enjoyed, and tells you they wish you’d die so they don’t have to deal with you any more well…

Anyway he takes her back. Life is looking pretty groovy for them. Until we remember George doesn’t give up easily. So one night while our happy mental couple are in bed cuddling. Some men break into their home. Causing Greg to get up and fight them, and Gretta to put some underwear on. Well the fight is short lived and Greg and Gretta are brought back to murder club. For one more game. This time. A giant weight is hovering over the group, swinging by a rope. A rope being cut by a saw blade each pass, and eventually. It will fall and crush one of them. Greg is kept at gun point by George. So we watch tensely as the group, laying on the floor in sleeping bags watch the weight swing above them making the rounds.

It does eventually fall. On who though? Well. The Contessa. Unfortunately.

Which ends our story.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! Yep. We cut back to the G man and Mr. Satan. Where they ask the conductor to end the story. Which he tells them/ and us. That after the game. Gretta returned to the arms of Greg and the two went off to live a very long happy life together. So Mr. Satan won’t be getting her soul. But God does grant him the souls of those in the murder club. So all’s well that ends well. I guess!

Now, for our final story. Which by all standards of anthologies should be our strongest one, or the most interest. We shall hope and see. Because I did kind of like Murder Club. But Gretta was really a mess, and it didn’t all together make sense why Greg would want her back. But he did find her in a porno and took her from playing Piano in a club. Which is hilarious because her job aside sex films, is to provide music for George’s club. So you see her at the piano, but later when she ask for a Piano while living with Greg. She plays it and….she can’t play. She barely. BARELY makes it through Mary Had a little Lamb. Which is something you learn when first learning an instrument.

Anyway back to our last story.

Claire!!

Of course she loves God, Mr. Satan complains. Because he made her rich, gave her a good husband, a happy life. But God tells Satan he will inform him of her life.

Which starts off with a dream. Of girls playing instruments for a party. The NAZI party!!

Yeah. We got makeup wearing Nazi’s in this.

But why, why does she dream of Nazi parties?

We’ll get to that.

For now it’s time for Nazi hunter CAMERON MITCHELL!!! Who is at his most Cameron Mitchell. He’s shouting out lines of dialog and trying to convince a jewish man, that this person he saw, whom he KNOWS is a nazi. Can’t possibly BE a nazi as he hasn’t aged a single day!

Well he doesn’t trust Nazi Hunter Cameron Mitchell. So he goes after this Nazi with his own pistol. Finding his home and. Yep. It’s a vampire. A vampire Nazi. Oh this story has it all folks.

But Cameron Mitchell, hearing this. Has little choice, but to continue this case. As they report the mans body was found with multiple bruises, cuts, a concentration camp tattoo and, oddly. A 666 tattood on his body, the night he was murdered.

So. Vampire Nazi cultist.

Also we have Bull returning for this! Another new character. Keep up people we’re moving fast and furious. Bull returns to us as a television show host. Hosting a show, focused on dispelling myths, legends, and religions. Promoting the sale of his new book he spent 4 years writing. It’s the most important work of his life. It is titled “God is Dead”, naturally. His wife. Claire. Is not thrilled with this. She ask him to stop the publication of his book. But. It’s the most important work he’s ever done. So he declines.

Even when a Rasputin looking man baring the mark of the devil on his chest arrives at his home, asking him to chill it with his writing and talking on tv. Well he turns him down as well. Naturally.

However Rasputin has decided to hang around and eat their trash outside their bedroom window. Why?

That is an honestly fair question at this point as this story is throwing a lot at us.

Do we focus on Dracula Nazi. Or on Satanist? How do they all tie together?

Will Cameron Mitchell save the day?

IS there a day to save? We will see I guess. I hope.

Well actually. I can help with a lot of this confusion.

Our Vampire Nazi, is not what he seems. Entirely. He’s more. Much more. The movie wants to slowly reveal that to us, and its. Interesting. But when it does reveal it to us, it begins making sense of all these random events very quickly.

Yes he’s got vampire fangs. Yes he was spotted partying it up with the Nazis. But as he undresses preparing to sex up a girl. He removes one of his stockings and reveals to us. A hoof!! So what the hell?

A Satanic Vampire Nazi? Close. He’s the SON of satan of course! Naturally!

So he’s everything evil, wicked and cruel all rolled up into one 70’s bombshell. Which Nazi Hunter Police Lieutenant Cameron Mitchell is not happy with. See even he gets to be multiple things in this story. While Bull from Night Court, only gets to be a God hating television host promoting his book, and married to a woman having Nazi dreams.

Oh and the girl who was being sexed up by our Vampire Nazy Son of Satan? She is traumatized naturally. And her boyfriend treks off to hunt down this terror of man, which as we know did not work out well for the holocaust survivor trying to kill a nazi. It of course does not go well for the boyfriend looking to avenge his traumatized girlfriend. Yes. He dies.

But what of our title character. Claire. What the hell has she been up too. Well. As people are dying, and she’s having nazi satan dreams. She decides to pay a visit to the local church and seek guidance from a priest. So she tells them “Look, I’m having nazi party murder dreams. I see this handsome unaged nazi fly toward my window at night and show me his fangs. But also I’m haunted by visions of evil spirits. What gives?” So the priest considers this and nods thoughtfully before answering back. “Well, you are the chosen vessel to do battle with the son of Satan. You are the chosen and must do this for all of the world to survive. I place a box at your feet, it’s kinda cool and made from the cross Jesus was hung on. So, keep it safe and also good luck fighting evil. We’re all depending on you.” Which she takes rather well to be honest. She’s okay with it and collects her free Jesus box.

I know I took some liberties with the dialog. But that’s really how it all went down. So can’t say she doesn’t have an open mind.

However, Cameron Mitchell does not have an open mind. He believes in FACTS! Not Draculas and Devil children! So if facts are what he believes in. He needs to look more closely at them. Which he does.

He returns to the home of the holocaust survivor who tried convincing him before that this man was immortal. He didn’t believe him then, but he’s trying to believe him now. So he investigates the mans murder wall and discovers. This man isn’t just a Vampire Nazy Son of the Devil. He’s also taken part in World War 1!! And wars before this! The most evil people in the world, and the most vicious of wars, all started by this man!

Well Cameron Mitchell isn’t blind to the truth anymore! Though he does believe himself to be a god, as he decides to walk right up to the Devil Draculas Nazi palace and take him on. This is truly sad as he’s a national treasure, the film wouldn’t possibly kill him would it? Actually no they don’t. Entirely. As he leaves to go take on the man with too many names. His partner is attacked in his car. So Cameron goes down to help him. He’s gotta save his buddy! However the car becomes filled with gas and then. EXPLODES! Possibly killing our Cameron Mitchell Nazi Hunter, police Lieutenant, demon slayer.

Before his maybe possible grave is even cold though. We are brought to Claires husband. Who was sent to meet with Devil boy. It seems the Devil boy wants her husband to pledge himself to his dad. But her husband believes this would make him biased so he says no thanks man. This of course upsets the son of the devil. So he kills him. A crushing loss for Claire, A rise in profits for his book as its value jumps up with his death.

But Clair isn’t having any of this shit! She is a woman of action, and even though Cameron Mitchell is a patron saint. She is our one hope. So she does the smartest thing she can think to do.

I am not going to spare you any details in her plan. It’s how she acted it out, and exactly what happened.

Claire The Surgeon, believer in god, rich, and having weird Nazi demon vampire dreams. Gets in her car. Runs over the son of Satan. Who is rushed to the hospital. For her to perform surgery on. Which she does. Removing his heart, and placing it in her Jesus box.

But…Son of Satan is not defeated. He is reborn and, kills Claire. Unfortunately. Ending her tale.

Does she go to heaven? Does she defeat the devil in the end?

WHO CARES! LET’S DANCE! YEAAAAHHH!!!!!

That’s it. That’s the end! We end with the two not reaching a conclusion, crashing the train as they intended. And the movie ends with God and Mr. Satan discussing doing this all again, and our radical rockin party hardy teens are back playing the one song they know. For all eternity. “Dance with me! Dance with me!” It wiggles into your brain and eventually your soul. Just go with it. Even the credits can’t get enough of it. For good reason too!. It’s lit as the kids say.

So that was out movie. Yes typically horror anthologies aren’t always the best, or most consistent when it comes to keeping quality. But they are always fun, and interesting. This one certainly had its moments of confussion because of time allowed per story. But they were still pretty fun once you got there, and it’s a fun party film too. The stories are never boring. They move pretty quickly and that’s what you want. It’s a well done, well produced, and fun acted ode to classics. Like the past few films I’ve talked about. Gothic film style. With a modern twist. It’s more than worth checking out, its worth picking up for sure. Believe that!

And as I said earlier the box office was definitely something that caught your eye in the video store. And did often get confused with the Jamie Lee Curtis flick Which is understandable I mean. You have this one. Night Train to Terror, a bloody kitchen knife on a train track with a night sky in the background. Then you have Terror Train, with a masked Groucho looking guy holding a knife with a train just under them. It happened a lot, and I know I confused the two as well a time or two.

But yes. Do please check this one out. Rent it, buy it, lease it from your friends and neighborhood smut collector. It’s worth it so, give it a look and I’ll see you all tomorrow. Top 5 in bound!