Spooktober Day 24 GIRLS SCHOOL SCREAMERS!!

Day 24

Girls School Screamers

“In the darkness there is evil. Within the evil there is death.”

Troma! The mark of excellence for any movie!

Yes, this is another Troma film on our list this month and THAT is the opening quote at the beginning of our movie. When you want really weird bordering on near experimental film, look no further. This movie if you choose to call it that, is. A lot of things. But more than anything it’s proof that sometimes dead is better. Does that mean this film is crap? Yes, but is it entertaining crap? Well that’s up for you to decide. But what we do know is that this is the second time we’ve viewed a film by John P. Finegan, whom is the director of another film on our list, and the greatest retelling of JAWS ever made. Yes. He was the director behind BLADES. This film however, is his first feature.

Another completely independently produced film no less, and Troma does love supporting patrons of independent art.

Now the story for this film shares some other common ground with yet another film from our list too. As it follows the small genre of troubled girls getting into troubled near justified situations. Much like Shallow Grave, where we have a group of misbehaved thirsty ladies, here we have an exclusive all’girls college with a group of chronically misbehaved girls, whom are punished for their behavior by being made to clean a huge old mansion. So of COURSE they will be slaughtered in beautifully clever ways. Or Cleaver ways if we want to add onto the cheese factor.

I’m really trying, believe me.

So bitter batter, lets get at her!

As I said the film opens with a fair warning about darkness and evil, and evil and death. But really it opens with a shot of the haunted house and two kids daring one another to go inside, as kids back then often did. Supposedly. I don’t know. We didn’t live near anything spooky. Like an empty house with artifacts, a female ghostly voice, and a blank book flipping pages spookily. Let alone an attractive lady ghost calling us to her and saying she loves us.

Which I am truly thankful for as our young brave boy who ventured into the house, Tyler. Is called out by this lady ghost and is rightly curious as anyone would be as to why this lady says she loves him, and also the chance of seeing boob. But there is no boob for him to see. There is only a pleasant looking lady ghost dressed in white, and a melted gorey face with worms slithering around holes all over it.

Surely Tyler will live a long productive life forever scarred by this experience and we can only pray that his wedding night will not bring back haunting visuals.

It’s a pretty fun opening to be fair, setting up what we are in store for, and that no one is safe from that house. The house had locked Tyler in and made him run around the house until it allowed him to escape out the back. He was so scared by what he saw that it actually put him in the hospital with constant terrors.

So outlook on a normal life, not looking good.

Now onto the good stuff. The all girls school! Where we meet our girls and, well if you don’t know the stereotypes by now. Well don’t look for one because we have a large group this time. LARGE. I am talkin 8 bodies here. All of whom shall be venturing too, and living in this house. Alongside one of their head nuns. This is going to be an adventure!

Well we may not have a specific group. But dangit, we are going to try and identify a few of the main players! 8 or so girls, they can’t ALL be leads right?

So we start off with Molly Pills, named as such because she’s loading up her suitcase with beer, pills, and lingerie. While telling her boyfriend how much she’ll miss them, while modeling lingerie which does not exactly fit the roll of a lady who will be missing her boyfriend. But I won’t judge. She is obsessed though, to be fair. With her boyfriend, and not the pills. Maybe. I mean she’s thrilled her boyfriend gave her his school ring to wear. Which the girls treat like an engagement ring. Also she’s packing pot. She’s a party girl.

Now we have our next gal. She’s a dirty blonde who we find canoodling with her boyfriend, who can’t get enough of her moms brownies. We will call her Jelly Belly. Jelly Belly Jacky O’Mally. Because she wants to make out really bad, but he’s interested in her moms ‘brownies’, and when she ask him what where and who he’ll be with this weekend. She can’t help but warn him not to be near any girls while she’s away. Especially Mary Duffy. Because Mary Duffy is a class A whore who has been looking for any chance to bounce on her brownie eating boyfriend, Though he jokes about it as well as needing her protection and the number for the rape crisis center(yes he jokes about being scared Mary Duffy will rape him, she will), she gives him a final warning. If she hears any stories when she gets back, about him looking at the ass of any other girl. She will send him to the emergency room.

Well we will find out more about the other girls soon enough. The film forgot it had a limited budget and shooting time, so it’s time to get on the road. But there is one character worth mentioning, because it’s a favorite of the 80’s and sort of comical by today’s standards. The fat girl. Who isn’t fat. She’s not really even chubby. She just likes to eat. When we met her at the school? She was eating brownies at her desk. Her name is Rosemary. She also because of the stereotype she’s playing. Is dressed in frumpy clothes, a sweat suit. To be fair the only fat on her is…well. She I won’t say it. But it’s not difficult to see, with the right kind of eyes, or angle.

She has large breast.

There.

So as the girls arrive, and begin claiming their rooms. A new character walks into our lives. A doctor. A very eerily polite and possibly one of those doctors who lost their practice to do complaints from certain patients.  He informs the head nun that he is here as a perspective buyer for the house, and felt he would stop by for an early look at the property. Which she is fine with and allows him to look around as much as he would like. She also informs him that he will come across girls upstairs who will be working to clean this house, so he must not disturb their work by startling them.

Well he is an understanding individual, and likely is used to announcing his presence to neighbors as required by law. So he heads up the stairs with a polite smile and luckily all the girls are in one room chatting with one another. So he introduces himself to all of them and informs them  he shall be looking through the rooms. At hearing this, Molly Pills, sits up and strikes a sexy pose informing him “You can start with my room.”, which he politely thanks her but says he will look elsewhere. They all politely smile and he continues on his way. After he parts of course, the girls giggle and rightfully slut shame Molly for inviting the grown man into her bang palace.

But the doctor has an agenda it seems. As he’s searching the house specifically for something he hasn’t named yet.

Which I guess it’s a good time to point out something about this house. The house, aside being valued at around 500,000 dollars. It also has a large collection of antiques, artifacts, religious items and books which are all valued at 5 million dollars. Which the owner in his will states the nuns at the all-girls college may do with as they wish.

So we can imagine, there will be a good deal of people coming to investigate this house and looking for things. Possibly. Or just Doctor Giggles.

We are calling him Dr. Giggles.

Also there’s a ghost already chanting for them all to be killed. This house will not flip for near its market value. Believe that.

But nuts to all that. The girls have the house for an hour while the nun takes a power nap and works on her gains. So they’re playing Manhunt.

Which sounds really dark. But it’s hide and seek. Just. Well one person is a killer, and the other people hiding are the victims. So since Rosemary is the chubby bubby, she gets picked as the killer, while the other girls roam and hide.

Well now we get more time with Jelly belly Jacky O’Mally. She’s helpful in keeping the others in line and trying to keep the piece. Don’t ask why. And she found a nice place to hide. Under a desk with a very cool little curtain under the desk. I have no idea why. But it’s neat. While hiding from Rosemary, her head bumps the desk and ends up freeing a diary hidden under the desk. Which she begins reading aloud, forgetting about the game and as you’d expect. Rosemary snaps her back to reality by shouting out “I GOT YOU!”, after doing a celebratory truffle shuffle Rosemary returns downstairs and informs everyone of her victory. As Jacky O’Mally makes her way down the stairs, in defeat.  She has a near death experience, complete with a musical cue letting us know how close to death she was! Actually she just slipped and missed a step on the stairs. But the other girls jumped in startle over what happened.

Well that doesn’t stop anyone, least of all Rosemary from enjoying dinner. Its cheap. Its easy. This is spaghetti and your choice from a two liter of pepsi or 7Up. It’s a good meal and don’t you dare knock it.

So the girls enjoy a well earned meal after spending the day unpacking, discussing lingerie, men and the odd doctor, working up an appetite after playing Manhunt. Jacky O’Mally still is curious about what she read. So she ask the nun if she remembers all the girls from their school in that town, She follows this up with asking politely “What kind of a girl was Jennifer Welles?”, and as she ask this, the green eyed sister snaps at her immediately! “How do you know that name you unholy heathen!” Actually she just ask how she knew the name in both shock and fear.

Causing the other girls to take pause. Waiting to hear the story of miss Jennifer Welles. Or at least why the nun took such offense over the name. Thankfully the nun apologizes for getting upset over the question. Just the story of Jennifer Welles is a personal one for her. Which prompts the girls to push harder to hear about.

Jennifer was a junior at the college, when her parents were killed in a plane crash. Her only relative was an uncle who she had never met before. Well that uncle is the schools benefactor, Tyler Welles. He invited her to spend the summer with him at an old creepy mansion. THIS very creepy mansion, and a horrible, terrible, no good accident occurred.

But we’ll get into that later. For now we have to discuss a new character we’re being introduced too. Typewriter Dad.

Typewriter Dad is a very rare actor. He’s the kind of actor who reads lines of dialog without any uncomfortable tone. He makes the lines sound perfectly natural. Like Mark Hamill when he talked about reading for Luke Skywalker, and how he was able to naturally talk about power converters without it sounding like a line reading. This man is the same way.

He looks like a young Ross Perot, busily typing away at his typewriter. He is the father of Jacky O’Mally the jelly belly’s boyfriend Totinos Pizza Roll. His father ask him if he just got off the phone with Jacky O’Mally the Jelly Belly. He tells him no, that her and her friends are up at the old Welle’s place. Prompting his first line of “Ah the old Welles’ place, Valued at well over 3 million, if I’m not mistaken…well what are they doing out there?”, after he was told what they are doing out there.

The son decides not to comment on his dad asking what they are doing there, when he told them what they are doing there. Instead he expands and tells him they’ll be cataloging items. To which Typewriter dad happily remarks “Well, I hope they have plenty of help, because that place is enormous. You know, it must be over 40 years since the Welles’ place was making headlines. Actually quite tragic headlines. I don’t mean to be cryptic, or vague. But Tyler Welles, 40 years ago had a niece who went to Trinity. She wound up spending her summer vacation at his estate. She was killed in a terrible accidental fall.”

Now I am not teasing the man for exposition, or any sort of accent, no. His acting style is the very old, very 40’s and 50’s style. Where people had a particular way of pronouncing and enunciating their lines. See ‘I blame my parents’ or Reefer madness for a good reference. They tend to do very serious, emotional reading of meaningful dialog. But when it comes to being funny or ‘Oh well don’t worry yourself’ style things, they switch gears in an instant and are all smiles. Like in this case where after he finishes for us the story the nun began about Jennifer Welles, his son ask him for more information. Which prompts the mentioned mood change, as he informs us all ‘Well at 11, I was scarcely a reporter as I am today. But you are certainly welcome to come down to the office after school and check out the back issues of the paper.” Even his sons banter with him descends into 50’s film dialog.  It’s rather enjoyable and worth a good chuckle.

Enough of this chatter now. We need to move on back to the girls! It’s night time so you know what that means.

Sleep wear showcase contact the dead time!

Yes that’s right. Every girls favorite past time of changing into either an oversized jersey, A Garfield nighty, or in the case of some harlots named Molly Pills, sexy lingerie. What better way to invite communication with the dead, than an assortment of wild sleepwear.

Actually I will admit to being jealous over some girls nightwear. Guys don’t get much of a choice. Either a button up pajama top and bottoms with a penis flap. Or underwear and a thin T-shirt. Why do you all get shit like Garfield and stuff. I swear…

So back to contacting the dead. Because of course girls at an all-girl college run by nuns would want to contact the dead, and are intimately familiar with doing so. I mean they talk to Jesus so why not? But how can they go through with what one of the girls called ‘A super idea!’ and another feels the room would be perfect with the dim lighting!

But two girls also are against it as one feels this is likely to get them in trouble with the nun, and another feels this is simple a case of ‘dumb ass white girl shit’.

So with the help of letters written on torn pieces of paper, put on a marble table with a carved wooden skull as their impromptu Ouija board..table. Thing. They begin contacting the ghost of Jennifer Welles’.

But she’s not feeling like talking apparently. At least not to 4 or 5 half serious questions. UNTIL! Jacky O’Mally ask her something, which they almost get an answer. However something disturbs their session and things go flying! The girls squeal loudly and can’t help but chatter in high pitched tones in the middle of the night, which of course wakes up the poor nun, prompting her to give a terrible joke line of “You girls are making enough noise to wake the dead.” Hold for laughter.

Well our main chatty Kathy ladies head downstairs, wanting to figure out this spirit business they started. Especially since, well. No one could make out any of their high pitched dialog. Apparently they were discussing how the ghostly gust that stopped the Ouija games came from a large covered painting over the fireplace mantle. So they wanted to check it out. See what’s what. As it turns out, the giant painting is of course, none other than Jennifer Welles. But the twist. If you weren’t ready for it already. Is that Jennifer Welles in her portrait. Looks a lot like Jelly Belly Jacky O’Mally. Surely this will not come into play later. Surely.

Well Molly Pills is ready to sleep after this discovery, and the ghostly experience earlier. Pluss she has some pot that needs smoking. But Jacky O’Mally needs a glass of water before bed. She also needs to explore more of the house. Which prompts a small flashback as she reads more from Jennifer’s diary. Detailing her time there with her uncle, and how pleasant the whole thing was going to be. For all of them. But is it really? IS IT?! It actually is. She’s very thrilled and happy. Well taken care of and things are going well for her. Until her uncle kisses her and she discovers she wants it too. So as she feels her loins set a blaze in lust for her uncle. She decides its best to seek out the nuns and confess her sins. This of course will prove to be a good life choice.

But again, no more backstory until you finish your montage of cataloging. Which we do get with what I must say is the unsung hero of this film so far. The soundtrack. It’s nothing fancy. Just simple synth. And its beautiful. It really stands out nicely. Some horror films, especially early ones didn’t invest much. But even today they seem to just rely on the same kind of score and it comes off bland. But anyway.

So the girls are busy having fun, cataloging and having a grand old time. Who knew cataloging old antiques could be that jolly.

But they seem to be unaware of something we are. We’ve reached that magical point in horror. The 47min mark. That’s where things get real, and fast. Unfortunately things happen very fast, and get too real for Rosemary. She decides she can fit on the dumbwaiter so why not be silly and ride it. So she does, and unfortunately, she receives a butcher’s knife to the face. Farewell Rosemary. You may have been 80’s fat. But you were 2k hot.

Well no one knows she’s dead, sadly. And their favorite nun is not looking well. Oddly. So the girls decide to let her rest and keep an eye over her, incase she ends up getting worse and needs to see a doctor. But this also means the girls are cooking for themselves. Tonight is Jacky O’Mally’s signature irish chili and bread. Which the girls adore. Though it seems they finished off the 7Up and Pepsi, now tapping into the Hawaiian Punch and Coke. That actually sounds really good right now too. But I forget myself.

Say, it’s been a while. There hasn’t been another death. Also the girls are noticing finally that Rosemary wasn’t there for dinner, and of course they joke that its not like HER to miss dinner. But we are concerned now with Karen. She’s venturing off into the basement of the house, and stumbles upon one of the final stops for the dumbwaiter. Where yes, she finally finds the Manhunter champion Rosemary! But the killer also finds her and…Hook to the face. Yep. She gets a giant hook to the face and pulled up on a chain to kick, scream and bleed everywhere. Karen was one of the most well liked people in this group, she will be missed. Actually she wasn’t. She was canon fodder. That’s why she and the others didn’t have any backstory.

But she’s not the only victim here. Which raises a good question with this next murder.

See up until now. We’ve had a human hand holding the meat cleaver, we had a person(likely) with the hook and chain. But now we have Suzy Baka taking a stroll by the pond and….a gorey ghoulie hand covered in miss and worms crawling out to claim her ankle. Which she does and drags her off with a yelp into the pond. So, is this all the work of a few house ghost? Is it a combination of an asshole human like say the doctor? AND ghost?

Well to help answer this, we have another kill. Jelly Belly’s boyfriend came to check on her and brought a friend with him, Bruce Titus. Bruce Titus decides to hang outside and as he does. He stumbled onto a car which. Turns its headlight on and drives over him. The driver remains unseen.

There’s still a problem though that needs to be resolved. We still have a house full of girls that hadn’t been killed yet, and in horrible unrealistic ways.

Speaking of horrible and unrealistic ways. Brandy the Blonde has gone wondering off on her own and ended up in a room full of dolls, and puppets. No she doesn’t die horribly and unrealistically from killer dolls. She does however try turning on a lightbulb to light up the room. Which then electrocutes her horribly to the point her skin melts off and she turns into a meat puppet.

Speaking of meat puppets, what’s our internet celebrity Molly Pills up too? Well she’s reading. Yes, she’s of a literary mind and you should feel ashamed for thinking otherwise. But she’s grown tired already so it’s time to take some blue pills. What are they? They’re hers, that’s what they are, so she’s gonna take some and travel off to lala land. Sadly though, she is being judged by the ghost/person of the house and is dragged off her bed to her fate.

We will hope for the best outcome for our good friend. However Jacky O’Mally’s boyfriend is out exploring the grounds, which has proven thus far to be a time honored good way to get murdered. Let’s hope the choice works out for him. I mean he IS the one with the respectable dad and girlfriend so. There’s a chance.

Until he approaches a pigman in the woods by candlelight and decides to approach it instead of walking the hell back the way he came. He gets a pitchfork to the back, through his stomach.

If it feels like I’m skipping details or possibly backstory? I’m not. This movie is on the fast track too Killtown. So climb aboard. Choo choo!

It looks like it’s all down to Jennifer now.

Well. Jennifer and our brave boy Tyler. Yes. Tyler is somehow connected to events. He’s linked to the house events via ghost link. Somehow his being spooked by the meat popsicle ghoul lady from the start getting scared by her, has turned him into a sort of spirit conduit Tivo. Able to see what’s happened and happening at the house. Does it help? Hell no! Did we need to see it? Absolutely not! But its there and we get it.

But now. With just Jennifer, and our favorite sickly nun. We are in the final rounds of murder house.

Is there a ghost? Yes! Is it a killer? Absolutely.

So there’s no human killer? There is!

As Jennifer roams the fun time basement. She comes upon the final setup. All the bodies of her friends are dressed in white, sat in chairs on display. As are our two males. Dressed in black suits, sat beside a podium. Where. Tyler Welles Stands!

Yes. Tyler is alive and well! He never died. He’s a Satanist! And therefore somewhat able to escape death.

He uses his evil devil powers to bring back the spirit of Jennifer Welles, so that she may. Possess Jelly Belly Jacky O’Mally. Since Jacky looks so much like her naturally. Not only does he try, he succeeds! Yep. She’s possessed and not that pleased. Not that pleased at all.

So she decides to use her own…evil…or good….her Chaotic good powers to kill Tyler Welles! But that’s not the important thing here. No. What is? Is that our pill poppin, book readin, pot smoking, beer chugging, handjob queen Molly Pills is STILL alive! She’s awoken from her pill nap and has a plethora of questions. All of which are totally legitimate.

Our possessed Jelly Belly is cool though, she recognizes Molly Pills and gives a knowing wink and a nod. Saying she’s sorry she’ll have to witness this, but she can at least survive with her life. And with that Jennifer claws out Tyler’s eyes. And with that, ends Jennifers torment. Or so it seems.

Jennifer helps Molly Pills and the nun escape, just in time too as the doctor from earlier. Who proved to be an innocent polite doctor, and not a sex offender has returned to the house. Jennifer tells him to take those two ladies to the hospital. But she will remain. For now. She is home where she belongs.

Apparently!

Thus our film comes to an end. It’s a fun movie In that, it’s one of those rare Troma offerings where you get an actual good movie that isn’t full of Motorhead music or green froth. Which I do enjoy. But you also have a competent story and good film. So it is possible with Troma. It wasn’t until Troma became what was expected of it, that things dropped down.

And it’s a nice entry level picture for the director of freaking Blades. It has its moments for sure, and the script as I pointed out can veer off into old timey moving pictures era speaking. But it doesn’t really hold it back.

It should be seen, and enjoyed. The effects aren’t the grandest, they are fun and corny. But enough to keep you invested and not laughing each and every time. Just enough. Just enough.

And what of the art? Oh it’s had some fun covers. But I still like the old style best. It’s sort of reminiscent of Blood Hook, also from Troma. We have a girl in a teddy, looking terrified as a butchers knife is coming toward her, causing her to drop her pencil and homework. It’s pretty fun and again one of those that doesn’t try to lie or hide what it is.

So of course I say check it out, you need to rent it, buy it, grab it from a friend. But avoid mansions and little kids in hospitals named Tyler. Actually? Just never ever name your kid Tyler. It never goes well for them. Give it a look!