Spooktober Day 23 The SUCKLING!!!!

Day 23

The Suckling

There are very little films out there, which people are ill prepared for. Like I Spit on Your Grave, Henry, August Underground Mortem. But then there are films like The Suckling.  Which is not like those other films. But oh boy is the premise something. If you need an idea before we dive into this oddity, on whether it’s for you or not. I present to you, the amazing and bizarre opening crawl from the film.

On April 1st 1973 the most bizarre and macabre event in all of Brooklyn’s modern history occurred. Twelve people, inhabitants of a reputed house of prostitution and an illegal abortion clinic were killed. Only one occupant survived.

When found by police, she told a tale so fantastic and horrific, she was believed to be insane. Authorities immediately placed her in an insane asylum.

The most brilliant investigators spent years trying to solve this gruesome mystery…but to this day, are still baffled.

Could the rantings of a girl, supposedly insane, be true? The makers of this film believe so.

So we have a house of prostitutes, with a walk in illegal abortion clinic. What horror could have happened that was so bad, the woman who survived was committed for being insane?

Well we’ll get into that. No this isn’t a serious horror movie, but a part of me does wish it really was real. Because oh oh oh man. This is a weird fun one. Also yes, I was lying it’s not intense. It’s a horror comedy that focuses on a blood thirsty puppet, lots of nudity, and a good dose of social commentary. So it’s going to be a fun ride for sure.

Yes. There is a blood thirsty puppet in this, and no. They don’t hide that fact. So let’s begin.

Begin with thundering piano notes and our opening crawl. I gotta give them credit. This music is pretty on point and serious. Definitely bringing the terror forward. For a movie with a killer puppet. Which I really can not wait to get into. But alas, we must.

So during an appropriately heavy thunder and rain storm. A silhouetted figure walks calmly toward a sleeping woman. Carrying a straight razor, and injecting her with something we can only imagine. They just don’t want to tell us.

But we soon find this woman being carried out from her room, and brought to a nightmare hospital wheeled around on a stretcher.

Where we see many rooms, with blood, nurses in super tight outfits with their breast hanging out, holding comically fake machetes, and axes. Also covered in blood. Our lady friend is strapped to a table and struggling to free herself as a mad looking doctor draws a scalpel over her belly and…she wakes up.

Thankfully it was just a horrible abortion dream. 

She’s actually laid out on a hospital bed while her head is monitored and she’s receiving IV treatments. She’s in the asylum and a extremely tall doctor shares with a new intern the story of how a girl this young, could develop such problems. Now our REEL story can begin.

Heh reel, like film….nevermind.

So we see a run down old house and a well to do guy with our female lead, walking up to this house of ill refute. Apparently this is the combination Brothel and abortion clinic.

Which our lady friend is not to keen on the idea of. I don’t blame her. It looks like a run down crack house where the buildings owners likely began prostituting their partners to rob them midway through the act to buy more crack. She informs Mr. Well-to-do that he doesn’t need to be there or worry. She wouldn’t tell anyone he was the father, and she’d give the kid up immediately for adoption once it was born. That was her logical decision. But he’s hearing none of it. He doesn’t want her getting cold feet or worse, getting attached to the baby once its born, then him having to be a father and raise it. Nuts to that.

So he uses ancient dad logic of “Well we’re here so lets do this and get it over with”, So the two head over and into, get ready for it. Big Momma’s Underground Abortion Clinic. Yes, it’s an official business. Located just behind Big Momma’s brothel. Which is bustling with people. Mostly prostitutes, naturally.

Meanwhile we get an idea the activities that go on in a house of prostitution. Like a woman wearing a bra made of bats, baring her breast to, of all things. A man with a hat with a small spinner on top of it, armed with a vibrating large dildo, Which she Indiana Jones whips out of his hand and into her own.

And, while bored out of her mind..complete with airplane noises, and a squeaky pop. The girl shoves the dildo into the mans backside. Until her mom shows up to take her somewhere and she leaves. Leaving the man to be taken care of by another woman of ill refute. Who has a paddle board. A paddle board with nails. I somehow feel the woman with the dildo was the nicer option.

This film pulls no punches.

Even as we go back to our couple, who wait eagerly for Big Momma to see his girl and see about removing her baby. An older prostitute hits on the boyfriend. Offering him a good time and taking care of his needs, if his girlfriend can’t handle it. All while his girlfriend sits beside said prostitute.

Well the film wants to talk to us about what’s going on. So Big Momma has a nice talk with our girl. About doing the right thing. Which is aborting a child, until it’s the right time to have a child. So as not to ruin her life and just do the smart thing. But she protest. Saying that she wants to keep the baby, because her boyfriend has stuck with her this far, so he might stick with her even further right? She just has to please him and keep him happy. Well Big Momma tells her that’s just delusional thinking and she needs to do the ‘smart’ thing. Sadly Sally doesn’t have much a say in things. As she’s given a drink by Big Momma and, yes. The drink knocks her out so an abortion can be performed.

As it is, Big Momma informs little mama to ‘dispose of the body like I taught you.’, So the woman brings the aborted puppet fetus over to the toilet and flushes it down into the sewer….

Where it cries, apparently not dead, and thanks to, some Toxic Waste containers left outside Momma’s house, absorbing into the ground and into the sewer system. The baby fetus begins to grow and mutate into a medium sized, big eyed, huge clawed puppet monster.

Naturally Sally isn’t to thrilled once she wakes up. Hating her boyfriend rightfully for not standing beside her decision to keep it. He sticks to his guns and tells her he was only doing what was best for them! Well a caring prostitute tells him to wait outside and leave Sally alone. She’s going to offer the poor girl a shoulder to cry on and try to clam things down.

Meanwhile Big Momma is preparing to take care of business. But not before we see her clean off the blood and gore from her abortion tool, a coat hanger which she reforms back into shape and uses to hang her doctors frock. This film is a comedy.

But things are not going well in the house of Prostitution. One of the Johns doesn’t want to pay for his time with a prostitute. Which upsets her greatly. But the man seems rather proud he won’t pay her. Even happier once the house’s bouncer takes his side over the prostitute. But she’s not having any of it! Hearing that this man gets away with using and abusing her without payment, she grabs a gun and shoots him! This naturally will upset Big Momma and likely hurt their working relationship.

What also will hurt things, is that the toilet is clogged.

Clogged, by a mutant fetus. Who’s umbilical cord shoots out from the toilet, wraps around the neck of little momma, and rips her head clear off.

When things go bad around a  brothel/underground abortion clinic. They go bad fast.

So now, on top of an upset woman who had an unwanted abortion. We have prostitutes dying, and dealing with being, for some reason. Now locked inside their whore house. Which seems very troubling, and odd. Even Sally and her asshole boyfriend are stuck inside now. But how? How are they sealed inside. What could be keeping them there?

You’d never guess it so I’ll have to tell you. It’s not what you think. It’s far more, and worse. Is it the baby? Partly. No not the umbilical part. But its living cells. Creating flesh shields around the windows and doors. I will say again. Living, flesh, growing around the doors and windows. Sealing them all inside this house.

Naturally this upsets some of the johns in the house, as well as the prostitutes, and it’s not helping Big Momma at all. But she’s keeping calm, which you want in your pimp. If you lose it as a pimp, bitches will walk over you and you lose your stable.

I’m not a pimp, but I’ve read several books on the subject and seen many hbo documentaries. I know a thing or two.

Speaking of keeping control of the stable. This is still a horror film, and we need some more horror no? Well we don’t need to wait around too long for that it seems.

The lady who shot the john earlier? Who didn’t want to pay for his play time? Well no ones bothered to check on her or alert her to the goings on down below. So she’s comfy and enjoying her time in her room.

Which would be nice if not for the fact Preme Petey the fetus monster is under her bed and…wrapping his umbilical cord around and up her thigh to draw her to him, while the cord travels further…upward, and a spiked claw jabs repeatedly at and into her. Meanwhile the two bouncers of the place try to break in. With one guy comically fake stomping into the door, looking like one of the Bushwackers from WWF as he does so. And the other using a pistol to shoot the door open.

But they are both too late. Our prostitute is dead, and. They witness tiny red fetus mutant feet wiggle down a sink drain. They both saw it, they both know there is in fact. A monster now.

This of course is upsetting and our two bouncers argue. Because well. They are men after all. And one of those men is a bit of a clusterfuck of dumbness. So the two have a little scuffle. Which, to no ones surprise, ends in the favor of our level headed polite bouncer.

He lived by the code of Road House. Being nice, until its time not to be nice.

Which this brings to question. Do these people have any way to defend themselves? Do they have a way possibly to free themselves too?

Normally in a whore house you want to limit access to weapons. Don’t need people getting ideas, and it’s best if the muscle has the metal.

So the next idea here is escape. But how? Well. They have a toolbox. With a hammer and chisel so…well who wants to chisel their way through a brick house. No one. That’s who. So plan B (heh…nevermind). They know the monster is using the drains to travel around. So they should….try to stab it through that? Or…clog them up? They seem intent on doing both at the same time. Shoving a broom and towel down the kitchen sink. Because that’s an idea.

Which upsets Preme Petey. We know it does as he attacks from under the sink through a loose drain pipe, wrapping his umbilical around the leg of asshole boyfriend. But He’s got bouncer man with him. Who has a knife, and he cuts that cord with a “Mazel tov!” and the fetus cries out leaving as quickly as he can back through the pipes.

“Let’s keep this between us, we don’t need the others more scared than they are.”, Yeah. Good idea guy. No one needs to hear anything about staying away from any of the plumbing if they wanna stay alive. Naturally.

So Asshole boyfriend has a plan. He isn’t that smart. But he did watch a lot of Loony Toons growing up. So he ask for a rope, a safe full of weights, and ask Bouncer man to help him hoist it up. This can only go well naturally. Which it seems to. I mean if you ever wanted to see, in real life. What it would look like. Hoisting a save, full of weights. Using a rope and anchoring it to the ceiling. There ya go. Look no further.

But all good things can not last. Remember the 2nd bouncer? Who wasn’t so bright and tried fighting the calmer bouncer? Well he’s no longer knocked out. Baby Bouncer is up, grumpy and now armed with a gun to help with his confidence. He see’s this trap. He remembers it from the Road Runner, and remembered it didn’t work out well for him. So he tells Asshole Boyfriend and Bouncer this sucks, and they suck.

This upsets the bouncer, and hurts the feelings of Asshole boyfriend since he worked really hard to come up with this idea. But they all realize it was an idea best fitted for cartoons as the safe crashes to the ground because the rope couldn’t sustain the weight.

So we are left with another issue now. Baby Bouncer still has a gun, and he’s not happy about being knocked out by the real Bouncer. So he challenges him to knock him out again. Well challenge accepted I guess!!

But Baby Bouncer is no match for the school of Road House as he loses his precious pistol. So Bouncer man decides we need a calming speech about keeping our tits calm, and chilling out. Maybe play some Stratego, connect four. It’s a whore house they got tons of games they can play.

Well no one loves games more than babies, and mutated fetus monsters. Preme Petey does his best Kool Aid Man impresson and burst through the wall. Grabbing onto Bouncer Man and taking him with him.

Its hard not to laugh. It’s supposed to be scary, but the puppet is just so damn silly looking. I mean. Google the movie, you’ll see for yourself Actually don’t. Just watch the movie and endure it. Seriously it’s just. A gift to mankind.

So as Bouncer man dies, Baby Bouncer picks back up his fun and decides to shoot wildly around the house. Because that’s never not a great idea. So he takes out. Nothing, and puts holes in, everything. He feels accomplished. But we should all feel scared. Premey Petey is able to go from twice the size of a man now, to small enough to travel through the pipes. So sort of like Santa Clause. 

So Baby Bouncer believes himself to now be the man in charge. Because gun. So he starts ordering people around. Calling Asshole boyfriend an idiot for his cartoon ideas, and tells everyone they are gonna do things his way! Because it’s their fault they allowed that fetus to get so big, they should’ve killed it sooner before it could grow. But they didn’t and now it’s a problem that wants to get them and they wont survive the night. This movie is a horror comedy with social commentary.

Well not everyone is happy with the new leadership, or being yelled at about their responsibilities. So grandma hooker lets him know. With age there’s this beautiful thing we get called don’t give a fuck. It’s a beautiful world changing thing and it really does help you lead a better fuller life. And she’s happily embraced it as she tells him what a joke he is, how this is all b.s. and he has no power.

So he shoots her in the back of the head.

Baby Bouncer is going to kill this thing, which he doesn’t know what it is, but he knows he will kill it, and he needs all of them to help him kill it. So if they don’t want to get wasted like grandma prostitute. They’ll do what he says. What’s his plan? His grand plan for survival that beats out cartoon comedy? And chiseling through brick walls to the outside world?

Nothing. He just keeps everyone together, heads down to the basement and essentially enlist everyone to be part of operation human shield.

Will it work? We can hope so.

But no it doesn’t. They roam through the basement, he hears a cat yowl out and shoots toward it wildly. He misses though. Score one for the cat!

This awakens Preme Petey and he roars into our lives again. This time attacking another prostitute. So Baby Bouncer fires off rapidly again! Hitting everything around the Mutant fetus. He even hits a steam pipe. Which burns his cheek severely.

He still believes his plan is a great plan. Even as he’s knocked down by the fetus and continues to blindly fire in all directions, at anything. Still hitting nothing. He’s still in charge and calling the shots. Because why try standing up to a guy who’s more likely to get everyone killed protecting themselves than anything. Also who can’t shoot a 10ft tall 5 foot wide fetus monster from 5ft away.

I’m not an expert marksmen myself, but me and a half blind Stormtrooper could hit this thing.

We aren’t done yet. Baby Bouncer is back to the basement plan Taking the man who was being pegged by the dildo with a spinner hat earlier as his protection. Thankfully Pegger lives, Unfortunately Preme Petey gets a lesson called “Don’t stick things in the fuse box. Because Petey does and is immediately introduced to electricity and electrocution. Which amuses Baby Bouncer. So he celebrates by shooting repeatedly again at him. Hitting a lot of the fuses, but still not Petey. Which confuses Petey as he now isn’t sure if this idiot is trying to kill him, or protect him from the dangers of electricity.

But it wasn’t meant to last. Petey decides his must go, and so for the betterment of the group. Preme Petey takes care of business. Sort of.

So what’s the plan now? Well back to Loony Toons of course! But this time. We’re gonna use that weighted safe, and rope. We’re gonna bash the door down with it! Surely this will help them escape through the skin wall made by the fetus.

It.

It actually does….somewhoe…huh.

I apologize for doubting the powers of Bugs Bunny and Wiley Coyote.

So now with the front door open, they can make their way to..well a tunnel of fleshy trash. It’s like mystery tubes, lined with sheets, shopping carts, lawn trash and flesh.

So a very irate john decides he’s going to head out to freedom first. Because who cares if a monster might be out there. Sometimes you gotta do the Nike thing, and Just do it.

And he does.

Yes of course he dies, most bloodily and unfortunately, also unconvincingly. But I mean come on. This is a huge monster puppet fetus with googly eyes for cryin’ out loud!

So back to square one. They have an open door. The group is now down to Asshole Boyfriend, Sally the abortioner, and Beetlejuice Big Mama. I call her that because this entire time. She’s worn Beetlejuices outfit made into a bodysuit.

Well Big Mama needs some time alone to reflect on the day and evenings events. She’s lost her stable of tricks. Two of her loyal johns are also dead. Both bouncers are gone too. So maybe she should use this time to rethink her life. It’s never too late to find Jesus. Or commit to medical school since her abortion clinic was doing pretty well.

But no. None of these will happen. Unfortunately. Preme Petey remembers who pulled him out of his warm home and he isn’t happy. So he kills Big Mama. A sad day for all of us. I think at least. Sure she wasn’t always present, or a presence. But she was Big Mama, and this was her business. So pour out some Old English for Big M.

Well we are at the grand finale of this weird why would anyone conceive of this as a story film.

But here we are, at the end of all things, as Gandalf said. I miss Gandalf….Anyway Asshole Boyfriend calls out Petey, shouting for him to come out and get them, to show himself!

So Petey doesn’t want to disappoint his would’ve been dad. So he comes crashing through the floor and roars with pride “Look at me daddy! Are ya proud?!” Not really. It just roars, rages, pushes out of the floorboards and kills his dad.

So now it’s Mama versus baby! What will become of them? Will Mom triumph? Will baby recognize its mom and cry because of what was done? Will the reconcile their differences?

All good possibilities.

Preme Petey see’s Sally. She see’s Petey. The two see each other. Petey feels she seems familiar. They share a bond! Petey recognizes his mother! He growls out and shoves a couch out of his way. Petey makes a final charge toward his mother. This is not looking well. He’s ramping up speed. Mom freaks the hell out and tries to scramble away. She falls to the floor. Petey is going into a full on Sprint and. De-aging. Shrinking. Oh no. He’s shrinking from his final form into his teenage form. Ooooh no. Now down to his adolescent form. Oh no no no no. Now he’s a baby! Ooh sweet lord no. Now, He’s a fetus….he is a fetus, and charging toward Mommy on the floor. Between her thighs. Cooing in victory as he. Yeah. Re-inserts himself into her womb. This movie is a horror comedy with social commentary.

So now we come back to where it began. The asylum. The intern can’t believe that crazy story, but there they are. Walking off and leaving her to her fate among the crazies. Which isn’t a good fate, as the movie really wants to drive him this horror comedy with social commentary. As she’s in her cell, and the crazies yell and shout excitedly. Two orderlies are raping her. And as one nears ending his ‘love making session’ he is strangled and killed by mommies newly aquired fetus powers. Strangling him with babies umbilical cord. Blood splattering across the window to her cell as the crazies outside shout and laugh crazily.

The end

Or is it? Well sort of? But not really?

There’s something odd during the credits. Almost like forgotten scenes or, additional makes no sense scenes? Maybe it’s the fate of the John we saw the baby mostly kill? Or someone entirely different? But we see two people. A man child looking shocked with his mouth open, it’s the most convincing look I’ve seen straight out of a Troma film, and a small actual boy child. Who’s wearing a shirt that says…..I’m almost not sure. It looks like it says Fuck Boise, or Fucking Die and a large button on his hat that says ‘Schmuck, Go home and Practice.” They have no purpose. Past the Man child looking dumbly shocked, and the boy child blowing bubbles with his bubble gum and looking bored. While they watch an unidentified person. With a nearly melted off face. Peel their own melting face off, in extreme gore that had been missing from the film. It looks like someone actually tried courting Lloyd from Troma by doing something he’d have in his films. But these two are watching this and as the person melts away to a bloody skeleton. It falls down and the scene ends. That’s it. Roll the rest of the credits and we are done.

So that was an experience. Lots of things happened, and some shouldn’t have likely happened. But oh boy did they happen.

The movie, though. Is entertaining. It makes no apologies for what it is, It’s absurd, Would never in a million years get remade by Disney, and it did have its moments of pure twisted joy. Sometimes you just wanna sit back and watch the absurd play out. And be surprised, disgusted and laugh when the film goes places you had no idea were even on the menu, let alone it would or WHY it would. But that is the hallmark of a memorable film.

Because I can promise you this will be remembered if you watch it. It will stick in your head, you’ll know you laughed when you likely shouldn’t have, and shook your head a good few times. Or just got really high and laughed. Eitherway. You enjoy it. Like I said and said before. There was a time, any fool with a camera could make a movie, and oh my did they ever.

This was one I saw at many a video store back in the day, and I mean back in the day when they had posters up for the release of Evil Dead 2 on the walls still, and up until the rebuilding of Hollywood Video. See it used to be a very different place. They had the horror section in its own private room. Like I know they tore out the adult section they used to have, and just took off the curtain door. It made the experience of going and looking for horror that much cooler. Because everything was separated from the store in dim light like its own world. Which was perfect. And on those shelves I had found a cover that always stuck out for me, and I passed by many times as I wasn’t sure of it because of the title. But the cover promised many possibilities. It was a slime green cover, with an odd looking alien head, and the caption “It’ll suck your brains out!”, Later. Much, much later on I found it again with a much cooler cover, A black backdrop, and bloody alien head and creepy scrawled text The SUCKLING!

The experience of watching it was. Well it stuck with me lol.

Enough so I had to buy it when I saw of all things to be preserved for all time in glorious 2k resolution. We have the Suckling.

Definitely give it a look and rent it. I believe its on Amazon, lord only knows where else but it is out there. Waiting. Thankfully not able to shrink itself down and travel through our pipes.

That really happened, and we have it with us forever. Thank you VHS.