Spooktober Day 2 BLADES!!!!

Day 2 BLADES

Okay, firstly. God bless Lloyd Kaufman, and god bless Troma.

If not for them we wouldn’t have amazing memories and films that somehow. I emphasize that now. Some. How. Got made, produced, and lord help us all, distributed.

You don’t know if the people responsible were on drugs, BUYING drugs, or how they even had the money to see their idea, as bug nuts pants crapping insane as they were. Actually get approved.

But approved they were, and humanity as a whole, on the hole. Was made better for it. Treating our eyes and VCR’s to cheesy schlock and nudity. Outrageous gore and stories that never make sense, no matter how many times you try to justify it. But somehow. In their majestic beauty. They just do. Leaving us wondering what we did with our lives, and why we decided to rent them, let alone own them.

This is one of those glorious films.

The Tall Grass Country Club is approaching their annual championship and things are alive and kicking. The rich are enjoying the award winning golf course and everyone seems ready for the big event. That is. Until tragedy strikes.

A man is found dead in the brush, guarded by his loyal furr bag of barking fury. But who could have done this, and why?

Disrupting happy hour for the rich, the owner is dead set to uncover this mystery. But to no such luck as another body soon appears. But this time. They have some clues to the murderer. A cocky coroner hands off to the owner a sliced up gold ball. Because why hand potential evidence to the authorities. With a careful eye and a drink of rye, Roy the owner begins to suspect something, not a man. But much more. Made even more sure of this by a bald muscular groundskeeper. We soon discover, those slashes on the golf ball? Were made by blades.

That’s right. Blades. Lawnmower. Blades.

I am not joking when I say to all of you. This is the greatest JAWS rip off of all time. Of. All. Time.

Yes this is literally is Jaws on a rich golf course. They aren’t hiding it, at all. Instead they’re pretty goddamn clever about it and relentlessly fun with the whole thing. I mean you’d probably ask yourself “Well how did they handle the little boy being eaten during a big swim day at the beach?” Ooh they did that scene. “Well how about the town hunting the fake shark?” They did that too, even the autopsy to make sure it was the shark. “Fine, BUT, how did they handle the group hunting the shark down on a boat. A BOAT!!” Oh they handled it perfectly. They really really went all out and did it.

We have a mean no nonsense groundskeeper telling us about lawn care and a deadly mower. What it can do to a man. Always skulking around and ready to warn us all. But no one takes warning until the death of a young caddy. During a popular lesson by one of their leading employees. A young boy out a few hundred yards retrieves every ball the instructor fires off for the crowd. Until suddenly he has to head into the marsh nearby. Screaming out in terror as he is devoured in the marshy brush. Well okay not devoured but sliced and diced.

It shocks the entire club and within literal moments. Every member of Tall Greens is dressed in army fatigues, carrying weapons, swords, shotguns, rifles. Golf carts are decked out with protective gear, netting, and tires for..frontal assault protection.

They all head out into the woods, launching bombs, setting fires. Hunting down….a lawnmower. A killer lawnmower.

Let that sink in. A golf course, of old rich white people. Destroying a golf course, hungry to be the ones taking out a rogue lawnmower. It’s beautiful.

So naturally they find one. But not only that. It was a lawnmower being used by. Well we’ll call him who he is for us. Quint. Quint the lawnmower hunter was mowing with a. Well mower. Which these men hunted down and brought in. They even hoisted it upside down, showing off its dangerous blades. But more impressively, and tying in with how perfect a Jaws rip off this was. The name brand of the lawnmower is also the Spanish name for Tiger Sharks. Which, in Jaws is what they first caught and strung up.

Okay maybe it wasn’t entirely the name but its pretty damn close!

Not only do they string up the sharkmower. They recreate the dinner scene, with Roy and our lead actress enjoying a very red smoothy, discussing going out and investigating the mower. Which. They do.

They go out to the still strung up mower and….Roy warns her to look away, as he cuts open…the grass bag. Emptying out dry leafs and…a golf ball. But no caddy!!

GOD!! I just skipped over one of my favorite bits in this. After the sharkmower is caught and everyone celebrates? Roy is slapped, in the face. By an old lady In black, cursing him for not protecting her son and telling people at the club about the other deaths.

Seriously this movie is the greatest love letter to Jaws. Every scene was purposely done to recreate key moments, even subtle ones from the film.

So okay. We have a strung up sharkmower. We have Roy slapped by grieving mother. Where do we go from there?

Why to the boat of the fishermen who never returned to port.

Prepare yourself for the most wonderful of scenes. Proof they are really going there, and full hog. Buy the ticket take the ride.

They discover a golf cart and its renter didn’t return. So naturally. They go out, in Roys golf cart. Complete with a night time search light. And just when you start laughing and thinking “There’s no way they’re doing this. How the hell are they-“ and then there it is. Stuck, half torn up, in a boggy marsh. IS the unaccounted for cart. With slashes and gashes that match the width and measured reach of the rogue mower.

Which yes, yes they do that scene too. Telling us the width and length of the mower blades on the captured shark mower, did not match that of the mower they found. But instead a much larger, threatening mower.

If by this point you are still surprised they’d go to this extent, and you are still wondering how far they’ll go? I feel sorry for you. You know they did the “Lets keep the tournament going!” complete with extra caddy’s looking out and listening for mowers. SIGNS of mowers. A reporter talking about the murderous mower and the capture of it.

Of course it follows jaws and we find ourself with another tragedy. Leading to my absolute favorite moment, and lead in for the best finale of all time. ALL TIME!

They decide to hire and work with the groundskeeper and hunt down this deadly machine. They….god help me.

They begin readying. A black van.

Loading it up with nets, ropes. Loading up equipment for…mower hunting. And their chum. In place of chum, we get hay bails. In place of barrels with air? We get balloons attacked to the bails of hay, with smiley faces on them.  Quint comes armed with his rifle, and Roy with his driver. They are now ready. To find and kill, their great mower.

Yes the mower takes out the hay bales. Yes the balloons mark where the mower is. 3 balloons even.

We also are treated, to a deeply moving speech and moment, of Quints. Where he tells us his deep scarring secret. The killer mower? Was his fathers mower.  I won’t ruin the story, I will just say it’s totally on par with the Jaws Indianapolis speech. Maybe.

The truck has issues of course, so they. They have to pull over, on the course, and our leading lady has to repair. Leading to a tense encounter with the mower. But that’s not the next best moment. That one goes to quint. And our finale.

Yes quint does. He slips and is unable to get back into the fan, and the mower climbs up the van and…Quint gets chopped and dragged off onto the course. For some reason. Mysterious reasons. The van suffers two sever flat tires. Which toss the van off balance and tip it onto its size. The sharkmower attacks and as they have no air tank. They instead lob a large wad of explosive C4 onto the shark mower.

I held back this moment, because it is a testament to the filmmakers setting things up. Even in a movie like this, where you feel it was just all for funsies without thought. As Brody in Jaws had his fear of the water, which he then had to face down at the end of the film. So does Roy have his own fear. His fear, is he used to be a great golfer with a perfect swing. But he suffered a huge loss and was never able to really reclaim that perfect swing. But here he is. Facing a killer shark mower. Headed toward him and his gal pal. Ready to take them both out. So he lines up his four shots and. Well its Jaws. Of course he succeeds and the mower, blows up spectacularly.

This film though entirely cheesy, tongue in cheek, perfectly formulated for Troma, and made with who knows what kind of a budget. Is made with absolute heart. These guys wanted to make a jaws riff on a golf course. They both loved the movie and watched Jaws hundreds of times. Enough so they knew every detail they needed put into this film to make any jaws fan happy and take notice. I mean good lord. Seeing an actual beat up van. Loaded with hay bales, rope latters on the sides, A freaking wooden deck complete with rope ties and look out perch on the roof. You can’t fake that kind of love.

It’s the kind of riffing you don’t really see much anymore, and everyone involved is absolutely committed. They maybe should be committed but that’s aside the point.

Praises to VinSyn for again digging this one up and giving it to us in 2k resolution. Like the director Thomas Rondinella even says during the commentary, They just don’t make movies like this anymore. For good or ill it is sadly true. I can promise you that if you pick this up, you will laugh. You will not question having bought it. You might question the price sure. We all do. But you will forever hold it in high regard. Seeing people on a serious mower hunt, pulling a hay bale behind a van. Having a serious conversation.

I love this movie, aside being a huge jaws fanatic, and a Troma nut. This movie is a treasured gem. For the love of all that is good in this world. Find it. Watch it. Buy it. Thank the director for it. Or not. Just please watch it and enjoy the kind of movie people had fun making, everyone enjoyed, no one went home upset. But they just gave it their all and got it done.

Check it out and thank me later!