Spooktober Day 14 Microwave Massacre!!!

Day 14 Microwave Massacre

So we have come to it. The end of days. For I must admit to you all now. I do not have a microwave.

I haven’t used one in 9 years, nearly 10.

It used to be for health reasons, I just enjoyed cooking fresh meals with fresh ingredients. It really is a healthier option for you.

But in honesty, it’s because the memory of this movie came flooding back to me. It was a buried from my childhood film, that changed both me and my sisters lives forever.

Actually it hurt my sisters sense of taste I feel more than anything because she has blocked this movie out of existence on a level that puts the Mandela Effect to shame.

Seriously though this movie is as odd and off. As Off and odd can get.

It even tells you on the poster, and box art, this is a horror parody comedy.

In much the same way The Room wasn’t intended as a serious Romance film, but a dark comedy.

There are even those who fight endlessly on the internet over Cheeto dusted keyboards on this film being the absolute worst film ever made, and the other half saying TROLL 2 is truly the worst ever made.

Neither side is right, but also not entirely wrong.

This film haunted many video stores and was pulled from a few as well. For potentially good reason. Or the government was covering it up. You know where my money is on this.

So, lets pop right in, and see what happens when you take American Sweetheart and crooner Jackie Vernon, famous to most of my generation as the voice of Frosty in the 1969 Frosty The Snowman, and for the truly older crowd the show That’s Life.

Let’s see what happens when a man like that. Takes on a lead roll in a movie like this, and squeezes out what some of us choose to forget, and others. Like me. Embrace.

We begin, with a microwave.

A microwave, and a head. A head. Which has no name.

Actually we begin with that and immediately rockin blonde boobs.

Seriously, we get rockin tunes and two breast right in the face. Then a shot from behind because SOMEONES smuggling Pillsburry dough. I apologize. But holy hell they just throw it right in your face. So you know this is the mark of quality. But also a key setup as our protagonist is a construction worker. So much like the lady in Jaws taking a night swim. Our blonde is taking a walk into danger, toward the cat calling construction workers.

Where she comes up to a board with a weird viewing window cut out. Bending over so she can, for some reason peer out at the construction workers. Which gets cut short as a man eyeing her bent over comes up and squeezes her backside. Which…

This action could have two reactions. One would be to scream, turn around and kick said assailant in the balls. The other to yelp out and turn around and spot a possible familiar face.

Her reaction is to instead stand up, and shove her breast through the oddly spaced out for her breast board. Which then pop out of her top. So we can see said breast. As she’s rocking into the board as if having sex.

This gets the attention of all the construction workers, except for good ol Mr. Frosty.

He’s more concerned with his wife who is suffering some form of brain damage, or she just hates him. His lunch is a comically over sized pita bread sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes, and a whole hardshell cooked crab.

This of course makes Frosty sad. While his other coworkers are tit hungry and headed for the board with the breast pushed through. But alas. Just as one horny construction worker ran over to fondle said breast. She pulls away and I guess the sex is done so she’s off and running now. It’s very weird. I can’t honestly say for sure what she was doing or why. It just happened.

So with the promise of boobs removed from all our lives for the moment, they return to their boring meals. Which Mr Frosty decides he wants to try and pawn off his crab sandwich to his buddies. Which one kindly tells him while freaking out that, he had to deal with those in the war, and he doesn’t ever want to have anything to do with crabs again!

Hold for laughter. It’s that kind of movie.

But don’t worry. The film wants to transport us. And it does so into a seedy bar. Complete with porn music. I am not exaggerating. I know golden age porn films. This is flat out straight from a porno, porn music. Thumpin bass hitting 3 notes, silky keyboard repeating the same notes. This aint lounge music. This is bang music.

Is the scene important? No. It’s just used for a man to talk about his wife not giving him any loving. Who these men are, is anyones guess. But don’t worry, we’ll be moving on I promise.

Infact we do. We move to the outside of the bar. Which turns out to be a strip club. That makes sense now with the music. I guess.

The best thing about this movie, and I kid you not. Is just the depressing life, comments, jokes. Anything that comes out of Frosty. All you hear, if you grew up with that film. Is Frosty talking. It’s just. Magical.

But even more magical is that in the strip club, the dancers are dressed in lingerie. So no nudity! That is until Frosty returns home and see’s his neighbor with a random womans breast smashed into the window. Which is quickly replaced by a man dressed in womens lingerie. Which is then replaced with a man and woman in lingerie. Judging him.

If you expect any of this to make sense, I am going to laugh, and cry.

But get ready for the introduction of the source to all of Frosties frustrations, of course. Because it’s another running joke. His wife.

She is cooking oddities and crimes against nature in their kitchen. Which is painted in the most horrific paint scheme and color you will ever witness, in this life time or any other.

I know the 60’s and 70’s were a different time and fashion as well as color was just, something of nightmares. But this is unreal. We call it home.

So how do we know he doesn’t care for his wife? Aside his complaining at work about her cooking food fit for not even the homeless? Well when he gets home and she informs him to keep an ear out for the microwave timer. He sees himself with a samurai sword ready to take her down. That’s how.

But is she really that bad? No. She’s just the typical stereotyped wife that doesn’t listen to her hubby and tries exotic dishes from magazines she read, while keeping a clean home.

The dinner he sits down to enjoy though. He looks at with disappointment and despair. It’s a look I gave during dinner at an ex’s family dinner. See, her mom was what the Greek refer to as ‘A controlling bitch’, and she demanded I neglect my family that Christmas and come to their home, But said it was ‘okay’ for me to spend Thanksgiving with mine. So while my family was preparing for a roasted prime rib, and turkey because my cousin requested it, fresh biscuits and my moms homemade gravy. I sat down with my ex’s family. To enjoy a cold slice of cooked ham, with a side of mustard and toast. He had a look that envoked that image for me.

But was his meal truly that terrible? Honestly no. It looked like a party tray with ham, corn, peas and beans. So nothing horrible. Just a little lacking perhaps. She even tries to flirt with him to lighten the mood, telling him “Who knows, maybe the change in mood might..give you ideas” she says while waggling her eyes at him. Which he responds as dead inside as he can be. “It’s giving me ideas, but none of them are legal.”. This movie, is something to behold.

The scene gives one great moment though, and something I enjoy pulling out now and then. She isn’t happy with his comments, or trying to be happy with what she made for them. So she calls him “A walking contraceptive” I love it.

Well don’t worry too much, because that’s all over with. We need to move on to something else. More pressing and important.

No it’s not boobs in the camera again. Instead. It’sa big breasted blond, walking in a short that pushes her breast out even more than her walking with her chest pushed out, and shorts that she converted into…thong shorts. Which show off 50% of her backside, and a camel toe that a gynecologist could examine without her having to remove her clothes.

Apparently. Her job is to roam the construction site and, search for good looking men. As she’s greeted by the man from earlier who attempted to grab onto boobs. But she has no wish to talk to him. Instead. She set her hungry eyes on a shirtless well toned man with very nice hair. She informs the pervy worker that this man is absolute perfection, and she wants to ‘talk’ to him.

Which leads us to a joke I still remembered from being a kid. The coworker goes over to this perfect man and jostles him a little. Immediately getting a reaction from the shirtless man. A reaction, showing us. He is one of ‘those’ types.

He whines in a girlish voice about hating when he does that, knowing he’ll likely break out into a rash like always. So now she has lost interest.

Meanwhile. Back to the movie. About Frosty. I refuse to call him by his character name as it’s relatable. It’s Donald. The man will forever and always be Frosty.

Well frosty decided for lunch to test out something his wife teased him about. That, their dog Napoleon eats better than he does. So he tries this theory out. Eating dog food, between two pieces of white bread. Which is mildly enjoys. Until a stray dog comes over and takes the food.

So he drowns his food sorrows at the strip club. Because why not.

But do things ever pick up? Or is it just none stop horny jokes.

Well it does actually pick up. Frosty comes home, still drunk. Demanding his wife make him a bologna sandwich, and serve it to him in the garage. She growls at him she won’t take his demands, and he will eat what she had! So. He decides to stand up and be a man.

He spits out water over her paper dinner plate. Then takes off for the living room. Scattering…..powder cement, everywhere, tossing cushions around in a controlled old man rage. Which bring about two points of notice here. Two very, distinct points of interest. Which do not get addressed in the film.

The first being. After he tosses the cushions about the room, and litters cement everywhere. He whips out his dick and pees on his wifes floral arrangement by the fireplace. Which she takes rather casually, and even talks with him while he continues to do so. In fact when she sees him peeing on them, in their living room? Her first words are “I knew there was something bothering you.” A wife knows!

The second thing, and it’s a big thing to me. Is their couch. It’s a very fancy, old wood framed couch that your great grandmother likely has too. Very fancy looking with a curved backing. The style and color of the couch are not my concern. No. My concern is that the couch has, the largest. Wide spread deep red. Blood red stain over the back. I honestly believe, with all the hours I’ve watched ID Channel, and Law and Order. That this was a murder couch, where someone had their head blown off. This likely is why it was bought at a discount.

Actually what I’d like to call attention to is the one part of this film, though she doesn’t recall it because her mind removed this film from memory. It’s a scene that breaks the 4th wall, and delivers one of the few near laughs. But at the time as kids. Made me and my sister laugh so much. We would recreate the scene when we played.  After he finishes peeing, his wife decides now is her time to rebuke his argument. So she tells him how she’s only going to worry from now on about herself and filling her belly! So she picks up her paper plate, mashes it on top of his head moving it around, and spits her tongue out at him.

He stares at her. Turns to the camera staring at us. Then back to her.

Moments before strangling her. Until she falls down. But he’s just getting started. He picks up their large, metal salt grinder and begins hammering away at her. Stopping a moment though. Not because he realized he went too far. But because he wanted to dash some salt into his hand, and toss it over his left shoulder for good luck. Then resumes killing his wife.

It's all played with no blood, no gore. Just cartoonish violence. Where we see an old Mr Frosty staring at where he is in his life, pretending to bash something not there, with a look that’s supposed to resemble anger.

It’s sort of like the scene in Ernest Saves Christmas. Where the pure hearted man who should be Santa, is playing him In a violent movie where he has to say the word hell, but he just can’t do it, even if the money is good. It just breaks his heart. But not Frosty. He’s going all in.

Maybe you are getting an idea why this film is debated as being the worst?

So why continue with it?

Because you should never give up. Even when it looks horrible. You have to finish what you start. You paid for the ticket. Now take the ride. We’re in this together.

So the scene mercifully ends, and morning comes. As does the meter reader visiting the horny people next door. It’s again another continuing joke where anyone that comes to that house is immediately pulled into it and given the sex.

But more importantly. Frosty has begun to realize his wife is no longer alive.

She’s in the microwave.  She’s IN THE MICROWAVE! He tells us this directly. He talks to us a few times. Involving us in an important discussion.

She’s in the microwave

Oh well, it’s how she would’ve wanted to go.

But she hasn’t gone anywhere. She’s still in there.

So he sets the microwave and. Well the movie is called ‘The Microwave massacre’. So he cackled wickedly and looks to us doing his best Disney Villain look as she cooks in the over sized microwave of the future.

It’s a new day for Frosty!

He’s even daring to eat, dare I say it. A Jumbo Jack with his coworkers! Gasp! Terror!

So they know something is up. Which he tells them not to worry, he and his wife are far apart from each other. They’re so apart, they’re divorced now.

They seem to believe it and he goes home happy. Returning to his task of chopping up and wrapping his wife in foil. Storing her in the garage freezer.

Shortly after he finds himself passed out on front of the tv like most of us have. With a half eaten sandwich in hand and a plastic cup of beans.

But he awakens, startled by his tv. With a new hunger. But he’s not sure what for. So he rummages his freezer until he finds some ‘cold cuts’ He gives it a try, with comical red ‘sauce’ on his face. And tells us “hey, this isn’t so bad after all. I guess May had good taste after all.” And as he goes in for another bite, the foil falls off and reveals, what we all were waiting for. He was eating Mays arm. Which shocked him. But then he looks to us and shrugs. Continuing to eat his new found delicacy.

He's so taken by it in fact, that he takes with him to work, an entire rack of ribs. Imagine this if you will. Please.

Seeing your coworker. Holding a full rack of ribs in foil. For lunch.

His coworkers are a bit jelous of this and can’t get enough of how delicious it looks! So of course they need to try some. Which he allows. Do they like it? They love it! They love it so much, they want him to bring in some more tomorrow. One even jokes, yes get ready for it. That the meat taste “Old and tough.”Which he jokes about knowing that, but never finding a way to improve that. But he’s working on it. Oh he is working on it.

Apparently being a cannibal has a lot of positive effects on your life. It makes your coworkers like having you around and ask to hang out and eat more. It also apparently attracts the attention of high paying prostitutes that hang out in strip clubs.

It’s a scene that though short lived, is loved by me. Because it features the second worst line I’ve heard while trying to compliment a woman. The first of which goes to the film The Wrestler. Which has a direct contrast to this films line.

Frosty compliments this woman of the night by telling her. “You know, you look really good in the dark.”

While in the film the Wrestler, Randy the Ram says “You look clean in the light”

Both of these men are poets of sweet talk.

Now. I should warn you all. Especially the weak of heart, and those with fond memories of Frosty the Snowman.

He does take the prostitute back home. She even strips down to her bra and panties. But she’s disappointed as it seems he’s more concerned with cleaning the house, than he is with banging her. So she wants to go feed herself. His murder music plays and. He doesn’t kill her.

Instead. Mr Frosty. Grabs her, spins her around. Then we cut to the couch moving and moaning. But that’s not it. No. Next we see Mr Frosty thrusting on top of this woman. It is not pleasant. It is not friendly. It will haunt you anytime you hear any music from that movie.

So they have sex to completion, and he buries a sunflower pillow over her face suffocating her.

But he’s not done yet. He’s going to have himself a cigarette. Which prompts him to debate. Are cigarettes better after a meal or before one?

So he carries this poor actress in her bra and panties to his kitchen. Onto a butchers block and he utters a line, you never would’ve thought you’d hear in a film, and only hear from the uncle your family warns you about spending too much time around. “I’m so hungry, I could eat a whore.”

The bolder he gets in his hunger, the more he changes, for the better? Who’s to say. But he decides after to go out for some bowling and cold ones with the boys. They’re all enjoying themselves, and he seems to be their new ring leader of the popularity game. How nice.

SO much so in fact, he gets to be the one making a crude joke this time! This is something worth seeing. It’s not him telling a joke that’s worth seeing. So much as it is him ordering food from an old as dirt original Jack in the Box. It’s creepy, and it’s fun.

No, his joke is just horrible and the follow through more so. Because it reminds you the type of comedian he is. He’s the type of comedian who told jokes your Grand parents would laugh at and ‘they’ found a bit lewd. Which even a 5th grader now would find lame.

As they pull up to the drive thru, a woman ask for their order. So Frosty puts in his order. “Let down your hair, unbutton your blouse, hike up your skirt. Stick out your tongue, and a coke!” to which all three laugh hysterically over. Does the joke end there? No. No it does not. We get to see the lady at the drive thru. Holding a coke. Tongue out. Skirt hiked up showing her ‘Honda’ panties, and blouse open.

If your sides aren’t bruised with laughter. I would ask if you died.

So after a night with the boys. It’s time to wrap up the leftover prostitute. As well as check in on the horny neighbors having horny sex. Again.

Now things seem to be going well for Frosty. But are they? Well we can find out soon surely! In fact we do!!

A homeless man walks by the trashcan outside Frosties home, he rummages for a snack and what should he find? But an arm!! With a hand!!  Does he freak out and report this to the cops? Hell no!! He grabs the arm, yawns and uses it to scratch his groin, then his back. Comedy!

But wait, there’s more! SO much more!!

Frosty ventured to a hardware store. Asking if the owner has human sized cooking pans. They do not. So he ask if they have 10 gallon mason jars. Well that earns him a one way ticket out of the store! To which the clerk shouts at him “I’ll call the police if you don’t leave!!” He even picks up the phone. Could this be it? Could he be reporting the man asking about human sized cooking equipment?!

He picks up the phone, doesn’t dial a single number and breaks into a vaudeville act. “Hello coast guard? Is the coast clear? Okay good!” Turning and spotting a mirror he stares back agast. “Oh its you again! Well we’re closed!”

But it doesn’t stop there.

See this is hell. I’ve said that before. But this is another level of hell.

Because after suffering that. We get a dream sequence. It’s something I for sure know. If I had shown this film to another ex of mine. She would have not only hated me. But thrown up.

We see a naked woman on a table. But her lower half, and soon stomach, and breast. Are covered in a thick layer. Of Mayonnaise. Her coochy. Her thighs. Every bit of her. Is going to wreak. For days. Of mayo. The sacrifices this actress made. For a comical dream sequence. Will never be repaid by a thankful society. Let alone a mournful one.

But there it is. As a large foam slice of bread is laid atop her.

Frosty is hungry, and horny. It just wont end.

Much like this film for those unable to stand it. Does it end? Well. No. The fever dream only continues on.

As he stares in horny starving fixation at a blonde, dressed as a chicken, dancing to a piper.

Yes he tries to pick her up. Yes he succeeds. And the chicken puns are great.

“Hey I’m not that kind of girl. The finger lickin good place is down the street.” “I thought you were more of a thigh man, not a breast man.” “I’m not that kind of chicken.”

All of it topped off with his last words to her. “I’ve never been that clucked before.”

And yes we see her breast, and yes she was a blonde.

Every woman in this movie.

Every pair of bare breast, every showcased body. Is a blonde.

I don’t know why…

So he kills the mother clucker, and I guess. That’s when he decides it’s time to get help. He goes to visit a therapist. To tell us he’s always been a bit of a normal guy. Sure he hasn’t had sex in 15 years. But there’s a lot of that going around. Even though that’s a lie and he’s had sex with a prostitute and a chicken.

As he spills his emotions out onto the doctor. We get another joke. That his doctor is asleep. As he confesses to eating women, and not in the sexy way. But for dinner, after he has sex with them. How he drives around the freeway when bored and counts squished dogs on the highway.

So of course when the doc wakes he informs Frosty “I heard nothing, that sounded odd. So what’s the problem!” So he has to tell him! “I can’t have sex with a woman, without eating her after!” I’ll wait while your laughter dies down. So the doctor informs him that “This is the age of free will and love! So for the love of Gatsby go out there and go down on those women! Eat away!

So eat away he does!

They don’t even bother telling us or showing us who the next woman is. We just see a pare of breast and a knife. Just before cutting to a large microwave cooking the body.

But we do get a scare finally.

See. All of this microwaving isn’t good for his health. He is having chest pains. Severe threatening chest pains!

But he’s fine and ignores it. Waving it off and bringing down the remains of the cooked woman. Complaining because his freezer is filling up. “I’ve gotta stop screwing so much, or eat more!”

But we need to end this movie. For the mercy of all. For unknown reasons. His wifes head escapes the freezer. Rolling and moving around on its own. Just in time for her sister to come visit. Worried for her sister and hating poor Frosty. This can only end poorly. Or well. We’ll see.

Her sister discovering May’s severed head SCREAMS out! But he’s ready for it. He shoves a hoagie roll into her mouth and ties her up in his closet. He’s unsure what to do with her. Because the idea of having sex with her and eating her grosses him out.

Well she’s no concern for him. Instead he’s going to see his doctor. Because. They suddenly installed a pacemaker in him.

His doctor even has to compliment him. He’s lost a ton of weight. He’s able to do things he used to 15 years ago, and he’s healthy as a horse.

So now for some racism.

A truck pulls up to his house and. Out comes. I almost hate to say his black coworker. But the man comes out. Dressed in tribal loincloth and bones. Face painted and carrying a pot with a human hand sticking out of it. Which he brings into Frosty’s home, and leaves his….furr skinned tribal coat in the closet, where May’s sister is still bound and held.

But we can’t be all racist all the time. So it’s time to go back to his horny neighbor. Who has decided to squat while watering her yard, and holding the hose downward. So that when Frosty looks over, and we get a close up of her ass in tiny shorts. It looks like she’s peeing on the yard. To which Frosty looks at with an “Well would ya look at that…huh” look.

Would you believe me if I said we have 10 minutes left?

So Frosty continues his spree. Even his friends mention it in the papers. How 10 women went missing, and how the killer is an equal opportunist! The last girl he killed was black! So, not. Racist?

Well this movie decided a while ago that it was ready to be breast friendly. So of course the next girl he picks up. Yup. Topless within moments of being cut apart. Which is played to great laughs as we hear upbeat mousic as he cuts her up and gets squirted multiple times in the face with blood. “Too many bones!”

But what. What you say of the horny neighbor? Well she is still untouched and not killed. She’s actually busy, planting seeds for a garden.

Using her vibrator, which is turned on. To make holes in the soil. Which Frosty again watches and finally remarks. “Man….what a strange girl”

Well, the horror only continues, as Frosty makes plans with his friends to go watch a wrestling match, so they can all pick up some hot girls. Frosty of course will bring the food he informs them. “But I have to go all the way to china town so I can pick it up, after my afternoon nip. It’s a surprise called..peking Chic”

Well. Donald wasn’t joking. He was cutting up and cooking a Chinese woman.

However. His friends arrive and knock at the door, Apparently Frosty was late! So they want to check on him. Only to find him dead on the floor. His friends soon discover the contents of the microwave. His black friend commenting “Oh man, I see it. But I aint believe it!” Well one of them opens the microwave door to investigate the human limbs and that’s when we see it. A sticker on the microwave “Caution not safe around pacemakers.”

So the house is not up for sale, The murder couch is brought out once more. A worker finds May’s sister, with moldy bread in her mouth in the closet. But he pays her no mind. Sister in law jokes never get old.

But one of the electricians who managed to escape not being banged by the horny neighbor pulls out a wire, informing us that “This things a death trap. Someone wired it wrong. This would be lethal to anyone with a pacemaker.” To which, we get our final scene! As the camera coast around the house eerily and floats to the basement fridge. Which opens and focuses on his dead wifes microwaved head. Does it move? No. Does it blink? No. The eyes light up! Music plays! The credits roll! We are finally free.

Free of the worst horror movie ever made. But yet so odd it’s still entertaining. Somewhere somehow to some of us. Myself included.

The movie I can say was far more funny to me as a child, when I didn’t understand anything going on, and just enjoyed the random silly death moments. I don’t remember all the nudity. But that could also explain a few things later on in my life.

Is this movie really that bad? If you still have to ask after all this. Well you have a movie to rent.

The fact it’s available. Uncut, and in 2k is. Well It’s astounding. It’s unbelievable. But I own it. For better or worse. I own the aptly titles “Worst Horror Movie of all time.”

I am proud of this. Somewhat. A little.

But like all the others before it. It stood out in the video store. A painted scene of a microwave with a head in it and chandelier. With another person beside it staring hungrily with a knife and fork. It speaks a lot. Maybe it would’ve been best if just that. But alas. It had places to go, and take us with it. And take us it did.

I dare you to check it out. Or avoid it at all cost and we can all move on.

Give it a look! I double dog dare ya!