Spooktober Day 13 WINTERBEAST!!

Day 13 WINTERBEAST!!

Oh the crappy slappy spoopy films of a golden era.

When literally anyone with a handheld 8mm and 16mm could go out and film whatever they wanted, and get it distributed.

Still true today, but most of that ends up being porn or Hellraiser Judgement. And no I am not kidding.

But then. There are truly magical movies that you can just tell. This person had a vision, and this person failed horribly, so so horribly. But damned if they didn’t get it made, and more importantly. Scene.

Which brings us to a very indeed rare oddity, known as Winterbeast. This was. A labor of love, and trust. Trust that what you are doing is for art, and love of doing so. Because I know of no other reason why anyone would made this thing. But here it sits on my shelf, and there it was for people to rent in store. This is definitely one of those watch it with friends and some form of inebriating relaxant films. So lets dive on in and get to it. Because oh dear lord is this thing an adventure.

To kick things off, and let you know just what you and your friends are in store for. We begin with what I have to credit as being the most upbeat and fun scores so far on these films. Kudos to the music man on this. But that only acts as the place holder for your table. The real starter to this dish is a police officer. We know this, because he has a light blue shirt, black tie, a silver badge on his chest and nothing else what so ever to distinguish him as a policemen. But well, he’s approaching a man seated in a dark room, on the floor. Staring at some painted glass. When he’s called out by the policeman he turns to face a mirror, when the policeman sees his face. He lets out a high pitched scream. It’s truly something to hear. But what could make him scream so? Well the wretched twisted face of the man whom he called out! Which we see right away! It’s. like.

When you see one of those makeup kits at a Spirit Halloween shop? With a near picture of what it should look like? So you go put it on yourself, and it looks nothing like that, but horribly cheap and you decide eh it’s good enough? That’s what it looks like.

So basically like the zombie makeup they did on me for the unholy abomination we won’t discuss.

Also we get Claymation! It’s pretty darn spiffy too. Imagine a melted heman figure with blood and flappy arms. It’s all too horrific for the officer! Couple that with the twisted face man smiling at him…taring his own flesh off while his stomach bleeds. Pretty intense right?

Well don’t focus too much on it because we have even more scares coming. We cut from that to a random man out in the woods, screaming in agony and taring his shirt open because. He has a bloody rubber skull mask being pushed through his stomach by a hand. It’s silly, bloody. Intense, and funny because you can see the mask collapsing around the hand.

BUT don’t focus too much on it. Because we’re cutting again. To a station house, with a man flipping through a nudy magazine. Asserting his hetero standing for us as his friend tries calling him gay, and the two go back and fourth on this because. It’s. Well not important. It’s just a thing.

Now the important thing we need to focus on. That might help give us a reasonably priced explanation for just what the hell is going on here. Is the station house, the rangers station they’re all in. Well. The officer we saw in the beginning screaming? He’s in this place now. Calm as calm can be. Not a word about what he saw. If it was a dream, or a jump forward in time and now we’re going to find out what started all this. We get NONE of that. We just. Simply end up here and can only imagine where we go from here.

We also get a lot more nude magazines. With a running joke of. How some of the pages are stuck together, and tare apart. Because they’re stuck together. I can’t…I don’t know. It was plaid for laughs, but thus far the characters and their dialog are what works for us.

But I am going to say, lets treat the beginning of this film as the end of the film. Leaving the rest of the film as a lead up to the horrible monstrosity that awaits us.

The dialog is setting up for us what the visual gags already did. Porn guy is horny looking for action and into the porn. His buddy who challenged his masculinity is dark hunter man. Hes into hunting, anything he can. That’s actually a line he says when the officer ask him how he hurt his arm. He tells him ‘I was hunting’, when asked hunting what? He tells us without emotion “Anything I can” So that’s our three guys.

Hey, did you want breast by chance? Because we’re getting them. They managed to talk someone into doing a topless scene and. Well that’s their characters only reason for being here. But trust me! It’s worth it!

How? HOW can a woman who’s only purpose is to appear topless be THAT worth it? Well she gets attacked, by a Claymation Groot. It’s a tree with an angry face that looks like Groot. He growls in disapproval of her tan lines. It’s the silliest Claymation monster attacking the outside of an obvious built miniature. That is until it reaches inside to drag the woman out and. We get an even worse looking clay figure that’s supposed to be the woman. He kills her and, we are left to wonder what could have happened had she kept her flannel shirt on and wore a bra as well.

I mean look, I’m not a woman, but. Any human being, out in a cabin, in the snow. Would know that wearing a single layer of clothing is not enough to stay warm. Wearing a flannel and no bra? That’s just abusing your breast and body warmth.

But we aren’t going to focus on that any more. It’s time for a great and wonderful scene. A masterclass in filmmaking and acting.

The bar scene. Ranger policeman and Ranger porno are off to the Wild Goose bar. To as Porno guy says “Check out the action”, which gives us a new character introduction. A white haired man with a very distinct voice that sounds like an impression of Rip Taylor, and Andy Dick in Wet Hot American Summer. It’s a sight to behold. As is the change in pitch when he speaks far away and up close. But Ranger Policeman wants to talk to him, about a recent event. But apparently the man already knew he would be coming to talk about this. So as they talk. Ranger Porno is busy setting up another joke. He’s hitting on an elderly woman. Inviting her to the station house, promising to give her a free map. Because he’s so horny he’ll bang anything, get it? God it’s painful. BUT FORGET ALL THAT! We get a sudden cut and establishing character scene with Ranger Hunt. The Hunt anything Ranger. He’s at a table having a literally mumbled conversation with a man that suddenly without warning erupts into a full on knockdown drag out fight. They go at it so hard at one another they even shake the set, threatening to collapse it!

Well. To be fair that happens a few times throughout. The topless lady backing herself up against a wall earlier. Well that nearly took down the fake wall. Now these two guys wrestling it out almost takes it down too. A mark of true filmmaker quality. Like the scene in Ed Wood when they pointed out the actor moved the set “Leave it in, That’s something he likely has to deal with everyday” So why not.

  Thankfully that scene didn’t last too long. So it’s time for some action!

But not. Instead we get more comedy between Ranger Hunt and Ranger Porno. Discussing breakfast, coffee, and being up too damn early in the morning.

It’s amazing the amount of back and fourth these two have, while never once doing their job.

Also, this music is just kickin and screaming through this film.  But the question is, do we get anything of note? Yes. Why yes we do.

After a very short montage of downtown where they filmed, and driving around in a truck. Our rangers begin searching the actual woods. Leading us to the discovery of  a totem. A totem of Chocura.

What is Chocura? No idea. But in this film it’s a four armed half tree half skinned playdough thing. Which seems oddly familiar to our Ranger Policeman. He’s sure he’s seen it before, and more so. He is so sure about it that he needs to repeat this to the others until they also believe him.

Which is the one thing of merit worth mentioning in this odd scene, as it’s one of the few moments in the film where the filmmaker shows us. He knows a thing or two about a thing or two. Specifically shot composition.

So lets put on our directors hat and set the scene. You are in the woods. You discovered an odd totem. You have 4 people in this scene. 3 of whom need to have a conversation. So how do you setup the shot. So you can have those three talk together?

Normally you might think it best to have them stand together and talk to one another, looking at the person they’re speaking too. Or use a few cuts between them, going from one actor to the next. Maybe even shoot them all staring up at a thing and looking to one another as they discuss this find.

Well the director decided to setup things their way. He lined the three actors up, close to one another and focused on their heads. So we have Ranger Porno, Ranger woman, and Ranger Hunt. All closely put together. But spaced just enough apart that their heads line up in a perfect side profile shot. They never once look at one another, or dare to move thus ruining the shot. They stand like models, posed staring off to their right. Perfectly still. While reading out their lines.

It's cinema. To someone.

Whether they learned it in a workshop. Or saw it on a stage play. Who knows. But they sure felt fancy shooting it.

Well we don’t learn much of anything. Except that Chocura was worshipped and offered sacrifices. Which they think that totem could be. But they don’t know. Chocura for them is part of, get ready for it. Native American black magic. Sure why not. So this black magic and Chocura, are behind a string of recent disappearances and mutilated bodies. So the Claymation creature we saw kill the topless lady is behind it. A viscious murdering monster summoned by native American black magic. Ranger Hunt and Porno believe its something mildly concerning, but nothing to worry over. While Ranger Woman remains the most serious of the bunch and tells us every chance she can. That this isn’t right. She knows it’s bad, and that things will get bad. We are all doomed. Doomed! The script was not the strongest here. But boy did they give the best material to Porno and Hunt.

It doesn’t get any better. But MAN these setups.

Not to let us feel we might be headed toward an actual professional movie. The film takes us back into town, because Ranger Policeman has a sneaking suspicion he needs to talk to our white haired friend, who we will call Whitey. So back to town and random shots of businesses they likely talked into allowing them to film for free publicity. Which Massachusetts doesn’t need from them. But they’re getting.

We get two shots here. One is useless. The other is important. You can decide which one it is.

Ranger Policeman finds Whitey by a trashcan and tells him they need to talk. Whitey again seems to know they need to so he tells him “Okay, lets talk. But not here.”

So the scene ends and we pick up with the two talking behind a mens restroom, where Whitey informs the ranger, that it’s not uncommon for people to just wonder off, or for rangers to just get tired and walk off leaving their job. Doing so in the middle of the woods. Which Ranger Policeman doesn’t buy for one second. The two men seem at odds with one another, and they don’t plan on becoming friends it would seem. So really the talk would seem pointless. But we DID learn that Whitey doesn’t care about missing people.

But Ranger Policeman does, so our heroes gotta go out and hunt for these missing people. Or at least discuss the possibility of doing so.

One day our rangers will brave up the courage to wonder those spooky old woods alone.

But it is not this night. No. We have a much bigger, better scene to unload on you all. I have waited for this, and it is time. This is one of several key scenes making this movie worth watching. So here we go.

Back at the lodge, Ranger Policeman is sitting with a woman, and flannel man. Flannel man presents a wooden box to the pair and begins this very, very. Important dialog.

“Now over the years, I’ve collected and saved my favorite pieces. Just to save and show friends when they come over. Most of them are from the Algonquin tribe, and the rest of them were from the remaining Manahoac. But. A couple of years ago, a friend of mine named Burning Wolf, he brought this into me. And now I never showed you this before, because I knew you wouldn’t believe me, but now’s the time. And I want you to keep an open mind about this.”

As he ends that sentence, he slides the box over to them and opens it.

The contents of this red box lined with velvet, are something to truly ponder. Because remember. These key things.

These are items he has collected from two native American tribes.

These are things he saved, and shows to his friends.

This is something he finally feels his friends are ready to see

And to keep an open mind.

In this box we have, a beaded necklace, a carved wooden figure, another beaded necklace. And a very predominant, veiny, dildo with a thick curved head.

There is no way. No way on the face of this earth. Before gods eyes, and the eyes of all witnessing this picture. That this thing, is anything else but. A sex toy dildo. A very well defined sex toy dildo. It is not small either. Like this thing is maybe a good 4 ½ near 5 inches long. So it’s taking up a lot of real estate in this box. The other items are an inch to 2 inches at best. So right there, in this box, diagonally lined is a pink skinned dildo. Which makes it all the more hilarious when Ranger Policeman ask “What is this?”

Did he forget being told to keep an open mind?!

This reminds me of a very horrible cook I knew. The man was an alcoholic, and living troll. He liked to mess with people and never follow a recipe. He was famous in our kitchen for making biscuits the side of a plate and 6 inches tall. Making 5 gallons of sweet and sour sauce, for only 10 plates, and managing to be shown a menu of 20 items, and managing to make 20 completely different dishes.

Anyway one day while working with him, for the one week he lasted. He asked me if I’d like to see a picture of his parrot, he remembered me mentioning my parents having an African Gray. So I said sure lets have a look. He smiled patted my shoulder, took me over to his duffle bag and pulled out a polaroid picture. In the picture. About 90% of the picture. Was a naked tanned woman, her bare breast, and carpet to match the drapes.  With 8% of the remaining photo going to a headboard, and the last 2% a parrot perched on the womans hip.

Why he did this, I can only say. Because they are a living troll. No normal person would do this. But there it was.

So yes. Exactly like this moment, in this film. A box of native American relics. And a Dildo. Keep an open mind.

So when asked by the ranger ‘what is this?’ he responds that “It was given to burning would when he was very young, and that the history of it dates back to the earlier tribe. He said it was the work of a medicine man who took it from another tribe. From the body of a warrior who’d been killed by Chocura. So it was made as a charm to protect others.”, sadly he is not talking about the dildo. But a carved piece of antler which looks like a tooth, I guess. But still far less phallic than the sex toy dildo. But Ranger Policeman believes it could be just the tooth of any large game. Well Flannel guy believes it to be the tooth of Chocura, therefore making it genuine. But he believes it is important to them now, and needed.

That scene had a dildo, and no one wants to talk about it. Or they did as he said and kept an open mind. I mean he could’ve removed the dildo. Even told the story of the dildo. What tribe it came from. Its meaning, purpose. But no. It did not concern them.

Well who needs that scene anyways. It’s time for another death. But this time by a completely different monster. This time a hairy monster, with large eyes. And yet another women claimed. Why? Who knows. But at least she kept her top on. So good for her.

Now. So far this movie has been a lot of scenes where. People act like we know what’s going on. They briefly mention something going on, and their doubt of said thing. As well as the ever classic “I don’t know, lets talk about something else.”, Well it’s halfway over and we are no closer to anything really tying this all together. So surely Ranger Policeman talking to Whitey again will warrant results. Especially! Especially if, he presents Whitey with photos of the totem, while wearing a sleeveless flannel, over his blue uniform shirt. Because that makes sense. When your on meth.

So he does just that. Catching Whitey in the town library…or book corner of the lounge. Who the hell knows. He catches him there and corners him into looking over some totem photos. Which he doesn’t care to look at or talk about. Because “Look it doesn’t matter, lets drop it” Well Ranger Policeman is all business, so he wants answers! We ALL want answers! Do we get any? Hell no. Whitey looks at the photos and ask a reasonable question, “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”, he declares it all bullshit, and excuses himself from the scene.

Which is good, because it means we get a day for night scene of roaring animal noises, as the creature roams the towns streets. Which mostly are reason for the camera to focus on native American sculptures and faces. Because Native American black magic.

The creature is angry and demands another sacrifice. I guess. Anyway some poor soul mountain climbing is confronted with another Claymation horror. Only to meet, his doom. The threats are growing, and the people are vanishing. But its still a mild concern.

At least that’s what you’d expect given 45 minutes in and not a damn thing has been done or said to establish SOMETHING, ANYTHING should be done! But Ranger Policeman is finally doing what needs to be done. He’s closing the lounge!

Why.

Well at least with the lounge closed the creature can’t get a drink?

Actually he says he’s doing it because he needs all the men he can get up on that mountain. Which upsets Whitey. Whitey doesn’t like when you close businesses down! In fact Whitey gets so upset they go around spreading fake news just to try and get the business reopened.

Even with two rangers now missing, Whitey is only concerned with the fact that, yes people are missing and dead. But so are Whiteys people! They got people missing too! So who cares about black magic Claymation monsters! The only one causing any disruption and bringing trouble according to Whitey, is the law!

Well. It should be noted now. That to no ones surprise. The owner of the Wild Goose tavern and lounge. It’s plaid suit wearing entertainer and hostess. Whitey. Is in fact behind this. So sudden right? Well the movie had to come and realize it was near its own end yes?

Yes I believe so. So we get Whitey listening to an old record while. Posing rotten and fresh corpses in his lounge. While wearing a creepy old clown face mask. Which Ranger Hunt gets to witness.

This is perhaps the longest the movie has focused on one scene, since we began this journey. It’s the oddest thing too. Yes we could have simply shown Whitey prancing about and near a dead body. Scene done. But we have to remember. This was an low budget presentation. These people were really proud of their work and creations. Which I can understand. Editing my own project and dicking around on a keyboard then happening to make something resembling a song. You feel pretty damn proud.

So someone showing off they know how to make scary makeup costumes and props. Well yeah you wanna show it off. So they let Whitey caress and prance around these bodies. So now everyone knows Whitey is to blame. Which means we get something unexpected!

We get a reasonably priced explanation for just what the sam hell is going on here!

The man we saw earlier with the skull ripping through his guts? Well? That was Whitey! Apparently. At least its implied. So go with that. We learn this as Ranger Policeman tells us “I knew it the whole time.” And Whitey simply laughs wickedly, and burst into flames. Melting his skull away. So the good guys win!

So crack open some PBR and Milwaukee’s Best, it’s time to celebrate. Also time to desecrate Native American black magic totems. Ranger Hunt is out and with an axe. Ready to chop down that totem and do away with this craziness. However. It’s not just a totem. It’s the for real thing! Oh god no! The Hunt is over!

See I was going somewhere with that one.

Well now it’s time for Rangers Porno and Policeman to go out and hunt this thing down once and for all. Which is another key fun scene in the movie. The most awkward chase, monster fight, and death in a long time.

Ranger Porno is trying to hide from the monster, while Ranger Policeman is. Well he fell into some loose floorboards and is now stuck. Awkward as can be. So Porno is on their own. Finding a hub he can dive into for safety. That is until the monster comes for him. Now he had two options. He could run down the stairway and possibly to safety. Or he could shoulder back the porch and stand up only to die.

He chose to shoulder bash the porch and stand up. Only to become an I shit you not. Cardboard cut out of himself. Standing with a look of shock. As the monster dives down and chomps him. Bending the cardboard and causing an awkward cut so we don’t see the cardboard bend. It’s a sad moment for fans of Porno. But a victory for the beast.

Meanwhile more monsters are attacking. Because one would be too simple. We need multiple monsters, but only one boss fight.

Which happens between Ranger Policeman and, a man in full body makeup, shot to look like a giant woodland troll. This is where I give the movie credit. Credit it may not deserve in most peoples eyes. But it looks like this scene. This last stand fight was what drove them to make the film. Like if you are a writer. You get this great idea for something. You think it’s amazing. You know people would like it. But now you just have to write a while story so you can get to the scenes you pictured in your head. The problem is filling those scenes in to get to that moment.

The winterbeast looks great. A tall person in full body costume and makeup. Wearing prosthetics and shot moving in slow motion, using some form of forced perspective to make them seem much larger than they are. A teamup of Rangers  taking on this Native American black magic beast.

Well after many attempts and failures they end up defeating it. A well fought battle, a much deserved victory, and an end to a film that made very very very very very very little sense. But we got there. We. We got there.

It also gave us the tried and true ending moment of all ending moments!!

Just as our friends are wondering off from the woods and remains of the Winterbeast. Ranger Policeman says to his friend “Hey, next time, we can hunt bears Hahaha” and laugh oh lord do they laugh.

So what the hell was it we just sat through and watched?

A home made, locally produced, GMO free film. It had more than a handful of horrible moments. A paper thin plot. Scenes that went nowhere. But it made you laugh. At both its incompetence, and near competence. They had people with some level of skill doing this. You didn’t see much Claymation in movies made around this time. Even the Gate. A movie I still hold with high regard used Claymation. In both its first film and sequel. Subspecies too. This film used it, but not with the most effective monsters. To be honest they looked like something from Gumby. But they followed through with it. The only real argument I could make about this movie needing something removed. Would be the lady who took her top off. I mean free the nipple and you be you and all. But is it worth dying for? And doing so in this movie? Not really. But damn if she wasn’t a trooper and did it.

It's one of those cases where the box art delivers more a promise of something wonderful vs what you end up with.

Like old Swedish made films where the monsters were either ballerinas in furr suits(or circus performers) and large paper mache bodies moved on dollies. But the poster art always promised something epic.

Well this was one of those times. Do I recommend checking it out? If only for your own mild curiosity. Yes. If watching with a group of people? For sure. If watching for entertaining in your home? Maybe find something else.

There’s only so much string you can get from cheese.

Check it out if you dare, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya!