Spooktober Day 12 Grandma's House!!

Day 12 Grandma’s House

Who didn’t love their grandma? Or still do.

Mine on my moms side was fun, she also was a kleptomaniac. Among other things.

But I remember as a kid faking being sick once so I could stay home, and she backed up my story on not feeling good. But I also remember her not letting me watch Poltergeist once it got to the bathroom scene and the man peeling off his face. She determined it was too much for me, and off it went.

Thankfully though, I never recalled my grandma killing people. So I mean, there is that.

This is another fun odd subgenre of horror. Family! What a fun group of films it is too. They usually revolved around a crazy mama, or redneck murderous family. Sometimes a mom and dad murder duo. And in this instance. A gran gran and peepaa.

In our journey down the rabbit hole of video store oddities. This one definitely holds a place, as does our next one and oh is that gonna be a fun one when we get to it as it was a part of me and my sisters famed childhood.

So grab yourself a slice of apple pie and scoop of ice cream as we dig into this one. Or meat pie if you really wanna go for the full spoopies.

Moral of this film? DON’T TRUST THE ELDERLY!!

I mean you shouldn’t already but. Yeah. More so in this case.

So we begin with out two completely 80’s fashioned brother and sister. David and Lynn. They are recently orphaned as their father unexpectedly passed away. They came from a single parent household and now. They are bus bound away from city life and off to the country.  Which is always a good start.

What’s even better for a good start is a bus driver nearly running over a hippie lady standing in the middle of the road with a guitar, instead of just pulling over or calmly slowing down. But no. This bus driver believes very firmly that the bus stops only, and ONLY at designated bus stop areas appropriately marked. So screw slowing down. This sucker is putting the hammer down and haulin ass to grandma and grandpa.

Once the kids get over the fact they almost witnessed a murder, after losing their only living parent. They make their way to their final destination. Which thankfully has all their stuff waiting for them. Good thinking Grandpa!

The house holds few memories for them. Having been there as little kids. Mostly they remember their parents having taken them there. Of course none of it is awkward. Until dinner time where they are served chicken soup. Complete with bones. Waste not want not.

Also grandpa trying to box David. Slapping him around, talking about how when he was little he used to be able to whip him. But now, David could whip him. Which brings about sad grandpa face. Seriously he looks like he’s ready to cry.

But enough of that! We don’t need to think on Grandpa talking about whipping people on their family plantation. We got terror to get too.

Like David spotting, at the dead of night his grandparents hauling a body wrapped in a tarp, out of the back of their car! Bringing the body into their home to Grandpas work station. Well. Butchering station.

This is the kind of movie that doesn’t waste time on backstory kids. This is the kind of movie that gets up and goes places! Also it’s 90 minutes which is perfect.

So gramps has the body on a slab, and he’s getting ready to go to work. Sharpening his carving knife and getting ready to carve up some street hippie. Hey, if you scared go to church! If you’re a people carving grandpa go to work!

Which he’s about to do. But David the nosey little shit knocks over a jar of preserved orange chunks and. Does the worst stealth hiding trick of all time. After knocking down and breaking grannies preserved oranges. He spots a blanket on the floor. Does he use it to huddle in a corner and hide? No. He dives right into the middle of the floor and covers himself with it. Truly a master stealth ninja.

But grandpa, having scene all this. Because it’s right in the middle of the goddamn floor. Is not going to pretend. He uncovers David and ask him just what the hell he’s doing.

David tries to sell a story about sleeping, and not seeing him carving up a hippie lady. But Grandpa won’t have any of it. He may not be able to whip him like he did back in the day. But he still has his stabbing arm. So just as he stabs David…..David wakes up. It was apparently a dream.

Oooooooooooooor WAS IT?!

No time to linger, as it’s time for young David to do what David does. Which apparently is being on the swim team. Which is somewhat awkward. Not because it’s after a dream where your grandpa carves up some hippie then guts you like a pig.

But awkward in the sense that Davids new teammates are inquisitive as to which girl is his sister. So one points out “is it her? The fat one?” To which David pays no mind and points out his skinnier more attractive sister, Lynn. To which one of the boys declares, and I quote. “If she were my sister? I’d boff her all the time.”

The 80’s was……..a different time.

They also say this as we see his teenage sisters backside, in a bathing suit. Again…the 80’s

But calm your hormones people! We got some racing to get too, and on top of that, a reoccurring for some reason hidden under the bleachers hippie lady with a guitar. Surely this is coincidental and nothing to get into later. Right? Right. Even though she looks like the lady from his dream his grandfather was going to carve up, and the lady their bus almost ran over.

So sadly David spots her and he royally screws his team over in this race. I mean he blows it hardcore and surely has earned the soap bar in hand towels beating that awaits him. But the funniest part in all of this. Is grandpa. Grandpa won’t pay no snack vendor for treats at this event. No! Grandpa brought a jar of pickles.

Dude is straight up chowin down on full ass pickles. Which we get to watch him open in slow motion, and even spill pickle juice. Everywhere. Which only enrages him further. As the elderly tend to be easily enraged.

So David Lost, but what of. His sister? Well don’t worry she has a part to play in this scene as well. She isn’t just there for some kid to talk about incest dreams.

No. Instead Lynn is the subject of Grandpa and Grandma as Gramps points out “Looks like we got a problem” and grandma stares shaking her head in disapproval stating “Guess I’ll get the chastity belt.”

It would be nice to see what the hell they’re talking about. But hey look at that! We do get to see it. After the fact.

She was just getting into a swimming pool, and a boy was staring dead on at her backside. Even splashing her. Which she did not approve of. At all.

But this is enough to warrant team grandparents into nearly calling her a painted up harlot.

Well because every man in this town is the biggest of all creeps. The guy she talks to has to represent. But it seems he knows Lynn from being little kids. So he could possibly be a friend.

Well that is until he dives under the water and circles Lynn looking her over, giving us a butt shot and well. Yes. Showcasing her thin bathing suit.

Appropriately Lynn is not approving and weirded out by this. More so his grin. So she rightfully ask him just what the frickin hell he was doing. To which he proclaimed “Lookin, and oh man…do I like what I see.” Truly a casanova of the pool.

Well she isn’t having it, so he employs the tride and true method of capturing affection and stating your intent. He grabs her and forcefully kisses her. Which she very heavily is against. Thankfully this assault is quickly ended when our life guard blows a whistle and says ‘Hey you curly haired fuck! That was assault! I’m calling the police! They’re gonna throw you in jail! The jail where horny bad men will turn your backside into an open wind tunnel!’ No actually he doesn’t. He just says “No….necking”, which makes both Lynn and her assailant feel awkward.

So lets get hot dogs!

So as our family hurries home, they discover search and rescue crews, and an ambulance near the property. Unfortunately they discovered a dead body in the water. With no idea how the body got there or what happened to them.

Could it be related to Grandpa? Not likely as the man was in one piece! But perhaps we will see.

But enough of that. It’s time to get home and get comfy. In fact. Let’s have a party!

What does that mean? It means old people gathering and drinking frosty drinks while discussing death and random gossip.

It also means the kids getting time alone with, well other kids. Which also offers us some confusion.

Remember the kid who forced a kiss on the older sister Lynn? Well the girl talking to her and doing her nails mentions spotting the two in the pool. Apparently Lynn’s physical protest and verbal protest were simply misinterpreted and the girl is actually into him, as she grins awkwardly and ask if this girl knows him. It’s genuinely weird given the earlier scene but. Blame it on the times. I guess.

Meanwhile David gets a history lesson on bodies. As the boy he wonders off with wants to tell him about other bodies floating around at that lake.

According to this kid he once found human ears floating around. But that’s up for debate. As the two kids head off to a sewage drain, we can only hope they remain safe, and don’t stumble upon any extraterrestrial beings that feed off fear, and take the form of clowns.

Instead what we find. Is that David’s friend. Is an odd friend. He’s the kind of friend. Who tells him, that he needs to ask his grandpa about the body. He also tells him there’s a womans body hidden there. Well not hidden really. He points out “That’s her hair, sticking out of the concrete. Where he put her.” To further prove his point and possibly made up story. He digs around the sewage and pulls up what he tells him are. “These are her panties, I could make you eat these.” Why he would say this, no one knows. But that’s just him. An odd friend, who likes to travel the sewers to get around.

He's also the friend who breaks into boxes of Class C explosive commercial fireworks. Which he does.

Because he wants to prove he is right. About the bodies. The bodies hidden in that lake. Which means taking old tin cans and emptying explosive playdough from a firework rocket into those cans. Inserting a fuse and telling us that, once you let go an explosion underwater? Dead bodies will float to the surface.

So naturally we hope they don’t die. So what happens? Do they actually float some bodies?

Well they did explode stuff, and it scared the shit out of them so they ran off before they could see if their experiment worked.

But what of Lynn you ask? Well this whole time her and her friend had been discussing Kenny. His cuteness factor. Ranking him 1 out of 10. He scored an 8.

More importantly what are grandma and grandpa up too? Well. That lady? The hippy the bus almost ran over? The one from David’s dream? The one that cost him the swim team match and earned him a royal beating by his team mates? Well his grandparents found her, and WHACKED her with a shovel!!

Terror of terrors! David wasn’t having a nightmare this time. He was wide awake when he saw it!

So to further make sure he’s awake and that he didn’t die in the earlier firework lake explosion. He ventures down into the basement. Hoping not to find what he thought he would. A body on a table ready to be cut up. The body. Of the hitchhiking hippie!

Well he doesn’t find the body. But he does find a butcher table and tools. Like the ones from his dream!

He also finds, an old fridge. An old fridge, with a body in it! Yes, the hippies body! So it is real. It’s all real!

Well what did you expect, this wasn’t a Disney film. Though god Disney made some amazing dark kids films in the 80’s.

Well, even though he is terrified with his discovery of the body. He’s even more scared as he discovers. He has been found! Yes. He was found by Grandpa Murder. So Grandpa Murder now knows little David was snooping around. So he earns the accusing stink eye from Grandpa. Which is short lived as the Sheriff comes over for a visit and immediately calls out David and his explosives loving panty eating friend. Apparently, shockingly. The Sheriff knew these two were up to it. So he calls Grandpa over, and Grandpa in turn calls over David and his friend. They venture out to the explosives shed and…Grandpa Murder takes the rap! He says its all his fault and he should’ve done better keeping things stored. So as the Sheriff ask if David has anything else he’d like to tell him, and Grandpa waits to hear if he DOES. Well, David decides to play it cool and not rat. Not yet at least. So this buys him some time with Grandpa.

Actually it doesn’t. These old people are ruthless. They’re just like inmates doing life sentences. They know they’re going to die. So they got nothing to lose. We know this as Grandpa Murder tells Grandma Hardcore that he isn’t sure if David saw anything. Well Grandma doesn’t give two shits. She tells him to send the boy to his room, and they’ll deal with him once everyone is gone.

So David has accepted he will die if he stays in that house. So. He escapes to the rooftop! Meanwhile Lynn, is scent out of the house as her would be attacker has come over to take her out for a drive. Which she accepts, as he intends to teach her how to drive.

By that, I mean he gets her in the drivers seat and proceeds to feel her up, makeout with her and just as they’re about to get into it. She decides no, they should find a better spot. The dynamic between these kids stories is, wonderful.

Well they can’t drive off anywhere as he decides to let her drive his car. Which makes sense as she’s never driven before. So naturally she backs up hitting a post that traps the car. So she has to go back home to get a jack so they can free the makeout mobile.

Things are beginning to happen now.

As Lynn returns home. David reunites with his sister and informs her they need to get the hell out of here. But the sister is thinking about her would be rapist and their makeout. So David decides to cut through the bullshit and says “Hey look the hippie lady they had in their fridge is alive and handcuffed to grandpa murders truck. Now Lynn is on board for getting out of there and fast!

The kids talk to hippie lady and she tells them there’s a number in her purse at her feet they can call for help! David goes looking but can’t seem to find it. What he does find, and we discover. Is the hippie lady was lying! There was no piece of paper, but instead the keys to the handcuffs! Which she uses to try escaping while threatening David!

Could it be? Could it be that she was the real murderer? That Grandpa and Grandma weren’t murderous old plantation white people? The kids leave the garage screaming as Grandpa Murder emerges from the house with a shotgun. They begin immediately telling him about the lady trying to assault David. Grandpa. Doesn’t kill them! Instead he tells them to find Grandma and stay safe!

Well things have indeed taken a turn!!

But hold onto your butts. We’re about to get some revelations.

The kids run off and find the sheriff. Returning him they can’t find Grandpa Not the Murderer or Gradma Innocent. We can’t even find hippie lady.

Well. The sheriff decides then and there, to lay some heavy truth on the kids, and bring down their fragile world.

The hippie. The lady the bus driver almost ran over. Who distracted them at the pool. Who. Okay yeah you know. Well. She’s their mother!

She didn’t die like they were told. Instead she was committed to a hospital for mental health issues! She escaped!!

So Grandma and Grandpa were actually trying to help keep them safe! Apparently. Which makes no sense with Grandmas earlier remark about ‘taking care’ of David.

But we’ll run with it.

Which the kids have to do as Crazy hippie mom is now after them!

So. We got grandparents protecting their grandkids from crazy. A sheriff trying to keep everyone from killing each other. And two kids now on the run from their crazy mama. This is where the fun begins!

Usually these kind of films, you end up with the ‘are they or aren’t they’ and find out in the end that, of course they are. But it’s a nice twist seeing them break from that norm and tossing a mommy wild card our way.

Now would it have made a lot more fun a film had we had some actual deaths? ABSOLUTELY! But this is STILL a fun film! Even without the deaths. But we still got a good solid 30 minutes left here. So anything is possible!

So crazy mama is crazy running after her two kids. Why they need to die, no one knows. But die they must, and will if she has anything to say about it.

So after a good long chase where….nothing happens. Kids avoid mom, mom chases kids. Mom gets in a truck. Kids run back to the house. Mom almost catches kids.

The only fun part of the whole ordeal is Mom VS Geese.

So back on the homefront we have the kids searching for wats to defend themselves, and check on their grandparents. Which sadly. As David is learning how to work a rifle. He discovers the body of Grandma.

Which leads us to a wonderful moment with his sister when she comes up stairs with knives and forks, she discovers her brother. Painting his face with their grandmothers blood.

One would be right, in asking just what the hell he was thinking. But we don’t get time for that as he simply shoves a picture grandma was holding in his sisters face. Of their crazy mom. Shouting at her “They LIED to us! That’s our mom! And she’s down there!” But his sister is more concerned with ‘Why are you looking at pictures up here when we’ve got all this going on!” She’s right. But who cares!

It's emotional filler! We got a mad woman to stop, and the ultimate testament to kid paranoia.

The siblings hear a window downstairs break. Surely it’s their mom! David declares it came, from the basement! So he gets a great idea. Go find one of the large class C explosives fireworks! Launch that sucker into the basement! So he does. With vigor and determination. He takes off and returns with the rocket. Lighting and tossing it down the stairs with reckless abandon hoping it will explode and end. The threat of their mother.

But it’s a very slow and old fuse. So it’ll take a while.

But AH HA! There’s a knock at the door! They’ve been had! David immediately takes aim at the door with the gun and shoots first ask questions later! Let god sort them out David!

So did he do it? Did he kill crazy mama?!

No! The damn kid shot Kenny the sexual assault king of the pool! A victory for victims of assault in the 80s, a crushing blow to the dating life of Lynn.

To top it off. Because the movie hadn’t forgotten it. We still have an unexploded rocket in the basement!

So does THAT kill crazy mom?!

NO! No it absolutely doesn’t!

Grandpa was in the basement!!

This kid is officially 2-0 on the crazy mom killing front. It’s astounding the level of destructive stupidity this kid is working on. But trust me when I say, playing Call of Duty and having Kids join your team. Those kids shoot at anything moving, so it makes perfect sense this kid just goes Ultimate Warrior on everyone assuming the best.

Well thankfully his reign of terror is put to an end as the Sheriff comes around and is able to take away his rifle.

So we have one dead cop, one dead grandma. Grandpa is either dead or very unhappy, and blind from the indoor firework explosion. Kenny is shot but likely to make it.

So they take the kids to the hospital to be looked at, taken care of and checked up on. But David will have NONE of that!

He packs his crap and gets the heck out of dodge. Because he sees something. Something that concerns him. Why its his nearly exploded grandfather! And Gramps has his mother! So he’s off and headed. Yes. Back home!

This movie has Just. One. More. Twist!

As David comes home, we see his nightmare come true! The mom is on his butchers block, tied up. Grandpa is sharpening his knife, monologuing everything for us.

What possible twist could there be?

Well. Two twist actually.

The first being. Grandpa is not just Grandpa. Grandpa, is Davids Dad! He’s Grandpa Dad!

That’s right. Grandpa raped his daughter and David was the offspring, as he always wanted a son, but never got one. This drove mama insane, and explains I suppose why she wanted to kill David. Maybe. So David obviously is shaken by this, and decides enough is enough. Just as Grandpa Dad begins to bleed his mom. David steps out with an Axe. Challenging his father to a Japanese duel of honor. Actually no. It’s just David beating up the elderly. And then hacking Grandpa Dad to pieces with an Axe.

The last twist in the movie though? Is when the director paid homage too Deadly Pray. David shouts out his manliest “AAAAAAAAH” as we zoom out of the house and into some wild trees and palm trees around the area. Fading to black and thus, ending our movie.

This movie was, is. Always will be an odd journey.

But you gotta admire its twist and turns thrown at you. Though granted if you end up more confused by the end, or more fairly wondering if the director just couldn’t settle on an ending. Or even more fairly, perhaps he forgot what ending they were shooting and just made it up as he went along.

ANY of those are possible. But it’s still a good way to go. I like when a film isn’t predictable. I mean look at Hard ticket to Hawaii. Who would’ve expected a toxin flooded cancer fueled killer snake saving the day, only to meet its end from a quad missle launcher. In a living room. Those are the things we need more of. Not specifically toxin filled cancer flooded snakes of unusual size. But you know what I mean.

Dare to be different, and this film did. Beautifully. But it still could’ve been something different.  Or at the most consistent. But again. Be different. But within reason. Otherwise you become remembered for going too far, and not all of those films are worth revisiting. But this one was.

Please, do. Check this one out when you can.