Spooktober Day 11 Hard Ticket to Hawaii!!

Day 11 Hard Ticket to Hawaii

Oh what in this world did we ever do to deserve Andy Sidaris.

If ever there was a human being outside of Hugh Heffner and Larry Flynt who could find a way, let alone an excuse to have women appear topless In films no one can enjoy without fully being aware what they are getting into. Much like Lloyd Kaufmen. The man made independent art and amazing cheap cheesy sometimes sleazy films. Lloyd even included a chapter in his book on filmmaking on how he got women to do their nude scenes and, as he put it. The importance of shooting those films first, before the actresses would reconsider and renegotiate their contracts. The 80’s were, a different time.

But truly, the top dogs of absolute action sleaze were Andy Sidaris and David Prior. To semi quote an episode of Wheel of the Worst after the group watched the David A Prior film Mankillers, “The girls never take their clothes off and yet it somehow feels as dirty and sleazy as a porno as if they had.”

That’s the genius these people were working with.

Which was not genius, it was just what they did with their films. But lets move past that and onto a film that needs a team of people to try and decipher it, just for it to make sense. To begin with, I will give you the back of the box description of the film:

A Hawaiian drug kingpin plans to flood the islands with narcotics all financed by illegal diamond shipments to his private retreat. When his henchmen kill two DEA agents who were trying to stop the drug lord, the Agency sends in two of its best agents to break up the drug ring and take out the leader.

Sounds simple enough, straight forward and to the point.

Let us hope it stands by this.

So we begin immediately with a woman coming out of the water onto a yacht where a man awaits her. She ask him to go swimming with her. But he has other things on his mind. Which she is all to cooperative to agree with, quickly removing a towel to show us her bare breast and, lets get right into those opening credits. All fashionably done on shipping crates. It’s actually a pretty fun way of doing the credits, so I applaud them on it.

However It also leads us to the first thing not mentioned anywhere in the movie description.

There is a giant snake involved in this movie.

But don’t worry those afraid of snakes. This is a puppet snake. In fact the worst puppet snake in a long time for. Well any movie.

A shipping crate marked DANGEROUS is smacked by a forklift and. Sets free this snake. Who hisses open mouthed at us. Terrifying.

So then we cut to a woman bouncing along the beach who then showers as her friend waits and we get the 2nd pair of breast featured in this movie. Because it is a feature, for Andy.

So now we follow these tough ladies in their khaki booty shorts and tops to an airport, where precious cargo is being loaded up onto their plane. Including a snake. An escaped snake. Which we learn thanks to a quick cutaway. That not only is the snake Dangerous. The snake is also, Contagious. Contagious with what? Oh that’s a surprise we’ll soon get too. But for now these angels of the sky are preparing to take a honeymoon couple into the sky, and their loosely held in its highly cheaply made wooden crate contaminated giant snake.

Our adventure begins!

Granting us a nice ‘we spent money’ montage of rather beautiful shots around the islands, and all backed by a beautiful song written just for this film. Another rarity in films these days. Does the song give us any sense of foreboding? Well the lyrics “It’s a hard ticket, to Hawaii, it can’t be perfect all the time.” Seem to suggest. Well nothing, that’s just a fact of anywhere you vacation really.

So after a nice trip on a plane, we are given a scene that has a shipping manager reinforce for us that, yes indeed. That snake IS contaminated. They just want us to know that, and make sure we paid attention. To remind us again. It is INFACT contaminated.

Oh hey look the bad guy has a toy controlled helicopter.

Sorry. We cut away from that thrilling scene about the shipping manager calling about the snake. To show us the bad guy on his bad guy boat, discussing bad guy things. Which leads to him sending out his remote controlled helicopter. Which calmly approaches the girls as they roam the island freely. The two women approach the odd toy and decide to investigate as it lands. What could possibly be on this thing and so important? Well it appears to be two silver cases and  suddenly they are being shot at by two henchmen who were after those boxes!

Whatever could they be! Well we lost one as the girls tossed it at one of the men shooting at them so that one is, apparently lost. Oh well.

The girls thankfully survive their near death encounter, thanks to their biplane. Which they fly off in and, decide to land. Of all places. On a golf course. Which. I guess. Makes sense?

Right.

Well the girls want to go visit the jacuzzi but first they want to unload the snake. But after that they also want to investigate the rest of the cargo. Forgoing their plans of the jacuzzi. These girls have lots of work and big plans. Apparently.

We need to talk about well crafted dialog and scenes. Most importantly. A dinner scene on the island. Where a fast talking new Yorker is trying to profess his love to a girl named Charlotte. It is so well done, I felt the need to share some of the riveting dialog.

Man: Charlotte, Charlotte thank goodness you decided to come. Charlotte I’m not just some fast talking. New York television director, I care for you a great deal. Trust me Charlotte.

Charlotte: You practically raped me last night.

Man: That was last night Charlotte, this is today! I care for you Charlotte, I care for your mind, not just your body anymore, I’m not into that.

 Waitress appears and the man stares at her breast when asked if he’d like anything he answered

Man: I’d like a pair of coffee.

Riveting.

But what does all this have to do with anything?

Well Mr Bad guy has to inform us he is very unhappy with their drug Kingpins henchmen messing up things. But we still don’t know what entirely they messed up!

AH but we do! Outside of the drugs the box mentioned, we have diamonds! Surely that is what it is?

Yes. It is.

We learn this though not from the bad guy. But oncd we rejoin the two main girls as they are relaxing topless in their home jacuzzi. The camera is mostly focused on this fact, and passingly focused on them opening one of the silver boxes from earlier and discovering yes, diamonds. This is now our third pair of breast and we are only 24minutes in.

But wait! There’s more. For some reason we need to focus on two men practicing their. I won’t dare call it karate. But playing karate fighters. As they make the mouth noises “whoosh, Wusha” and such while. Also doing their best offensive accents and spouting off ancient wisdom. And people brag about missing the 80’s.

This movie also was made in 92. But cinema was still catching up and the 80’s wasn’t shaken off yet. Believe that.

It’s the most white thing I’ve seen in a long time, and that’s saying something. But these guys are not fooling around. They’re wearing denim karate outfits. They’re also hungry. But not for vengeance. For sushi and egg rolls. Which is delivered to them by a Chinese man on a bike. Who they growl at until he leaves. But alas. They have no sushi. They were given a white bread sandwich and…a note. A note with a new job. Ah. So these are the….top….agents.

This is why we drink.

But enough of that. Back to the pilots. Lounging in their home, discussing dick sizes and spy movie posters on their walls…like Malibu Express. Another film by Andy. We also get nipples through shirt, because why not.

But don’t worry. Two men are breaking into their home and one wrestles with one of the two blondes. Until her breast pop from under her shirt. Our 4th pair of breast.

Well the moment is cut short as these men in black stockings stumble around with the girls and. FINALLY free the contaminated, dangerous snake!This thing is moving at the speed of fear and it’s only going to amp up from there.

Because no sooner does this happen. Do the bad guys get the diamonds, and both girls striggling to free themselves from them as much as their own breast fight to free themselves from their tops.

But thankfully that doesn’t happen As the snake hisses menacingly from their plane. And…a man. 100 yards away. Hears this and shouts OH NOOOOOO! And begins shooting at their plane, which I don’t blame the guy for missing. Shooting at that distance with a pistol? You’d be lucky to hit anything.

But the men let the girls go and run off to their car. Where the bad man stands scared unable to believe what he saw by the plane. But thankfully his nightmare is over as the girls shoot him from 200 yards away. They apparently knew what they were doing.

NONE OF THAT MATTERS!

Why? WHY?!

Because storage owner guy is calling the girls and FINALLY gets ahold of them. He can FINALLY tell us. WHAT the snake is contaminated with. WHY the snake is dangerous!

The snake. Which was not named as an attraction or threat on the box for this movie. The snake with puts all muppets before it to shame, and escaped from a poorly constructed box. Is infected with “Deadly toxins, from cancer infested rats. It’s a very dangerous snake, it will kill anyone it comes in contact with!”.

They have, a deadly toxin fueled, cancer filled snake.

Which is now loose on the island.

This can only mean good things, I have no doubt.

As an aside this is the longest the girls have gone in the movie thus far without their breast being shown or popping out. But it doesn’t stop them from showing off their sweating cleavage and nipples. They need to remind you. That just like the snake. At any moment!!...boobah.

But forget that. The girls are headed out to eat. Because escaping two gun men works up a casual appetite. It also gives us more wonderfully horrible dialog. Like the head  hostess informing the girls he’ll give them the best seat in the house.

His face.

Hold for laughter.

Well pervy men aside these ladies sit down with their friends to discuss recent events. Which means no time for food, though they’re hungry. No. It’s time to discuss things privately. In their friends office.

If your lost, the movie is doing what it intended. Movies a mile a second.

Speaking of. The two agents randomly thrown in. Are working under cover at this restaurant. They have a friend wearing a wire. In her earing. So they can hear the bad guys. From their surveillance boat. The Malibu Express.

The girls get involved and they begin making plans with the two agents and discuss the diamonds. Things are finally coming together. All except for the whole. Flooding the island with narcotics. We’ll get to that eventually.

Good news!  One of our blondes. I guess I should give them names. Curly and perma.

Well Curly is off to the beach with a hunky boy. For a nice glass of champagne, a walk. Also for our 5th pair of breast. And we’re 40 minutes into this spy masterpiece.

Also we get to see the worlds most uncomfortable butt wedgie thong. Isn’t it romantic. It is. Because for some reason the moon is pink.

Also the snake is out. Not just the boyfriends trouser snake. But the contaminated with cancer, Deadly toxin carrying snake.

As Curly is cuddling with her boyfriend, she’s interrupted by her friends waiting to know where they are. As this is spy gear they’re now carrying and are women of the world. Curly talks to her friends through a real world Pager. Because that also works as a walkie talkie. But doesn’t I remember when pagers were a thing.

Well nevermind that. We got action to get into here. And it is HEATING UP BROTHER! YEAH!!

Our kung fu heros are in a jeep and ready to do whatever it takes.

Until they get the greatest distraction of their life leading to the most amazing shit ever committed to film.

A skateboarder passes them by. Doing. Of all things. A hand stand. Skating down hill. To which the guys laugh and assume the guy must be smoking some ‘heavy doobage’, Well The Skateboard kid meets up with his fellow hitmen. Yes that’s right. The Drug Kingpins elite Hitmen. It’s time to take these top agents down!

How will they do so? Awesomely.

Skateboard kid is handed. A blowup sex doll. Not explosive loaded with C4 blowup sex doll. But a put your mouth here and blow. Sex doll. Oh he’s also given a gun. No this does not count as our 6th pair of breast in the film.

So they send out the Skateboard kid with his blowup sex doll and gun. For some reason. The agents Dingus and Dangus are now…headed the opposite way. It’s. Confusing. But they spot the speeding along on his board Skateboard kid, with his blowup doll. AND UZI! So they immediately ram into him. Sending him FLYING off his skateboard into the air, WITH his blowup doll. But just when you think it can’t get any better? Dangus whips out a goddamn bazooka and blows Skateboard kid away. Literally. He’s raining down in pieces and red mist.

But Dangus isn’t done yet. He even takes aim at the damn sex doll! NO WITNESSES!!

His response to all this? When Dingus ask him A Bazooka?!

“It’s the only gun I can hit a moving target with.”

Badump tis

So you likely need to cool down after that explosive action scene. Luckily. We get a much needed shot of a man taking polaroid modeling shots. Yes. Polaroid modeling shots. Of a bikini clad model on the beach. Why do we need this? Because WAP!! The snake attacks the camera man!! With any hope. The dangerous toxins got to him before the contaminated rat cancer.

But none of that matters. Only two things happen we need to remember.

Dingus even though he caught a stray piece of shrapnel. He’s okay. Also Permy is changing from her night attire and THAT is our official 6th pair of breast.

But she’s not done. No! We get to return to her changing into mom pants and a top. 7th booba!

Like the action of this film. You blink and you miss it so hold on!

Speaking of. Michelle is walking around her room in underwear and OH MY GAAAAWD!!

8!!

8th pair of breast!!

Now. This might seem like a lot. To some people. But there was this thing some. Select directors would do. They would complain while filming, which is usually done out of sync. So for the director. He might have felt “Look it’s been…however long! We haven’t had any action and we need some tits! Show some tits and get this production back on target!”

It’s a real thing. I’m not being funny. Directors have said this and scream for it. More nudity! More action!.

So we get it!

SOMEONE WAS PAYING THIS MAN TO MAKE DOZENS OF FILMS!!

So, Curly and Permy are investigating the drug kingpins lair, and his second hand man who they shot in the cheek but didn’t kill. It’s needed for backstory. But also it gives us a wonderful shot of a girl in a bikini, playing frisby. With a machine gun carrying guard. As you do. On Drug Kingpin Island.

Need something even more confusing that makes no sense?

How about the girls now going to chat with two sumo wrestlers.

Perma tells us she is like the world famous spy whom they can’t mention by name. She speaks many languages, and can handle these two sumo men. No she doesn’t fight them. No she doesn’t show her breast. She speaks, Spanish to them.

Asking where their phone is. Which surprisingly works. But doesn’t. They find the phone on the wall beside them.

Oh and we get our 9th pair of breast! But this isn’t sexy breast. It’s decayed snake devoured rotting corpse breast. But it still counts.

The girls also find the body of the polaroid photographer. Yes. The model also died and was eaten by the snake. The snake even hisses in silent malice at the girls as they pass by it. But the snake is in stealth mode. So they don’t see it.

Or hear it.

But the girls needed that scene to show us they discovered the bodies, developed the last polaroid taken. To discover a picture of the snake. To make sure. It was the snake.

If you think that scene was useless? I can just say fine screw it and tell you about a football interview they cut to where a man. Says a piece of dialog. Which includes the N word. They’re discussing football strategy and. Oh. Suddenly the snake scene seems to make a bit more sense versus a sports interview and the N word? Well good. Glad to make my point.

But the interview does have a mild purpose. Mostly tying up lose ends. Which are the television network guy, and a man who wants to be a broadcaster, and that dream being crushed before their eyes as the N word and Mother fucker are said from two drunk football players.

Because it’s comedy. Apparently.

More importantly we have the girls teamed up with the two top agents. Readying their arsenal and counting bullets. Telling us something VERY important.

The snake is so full of cancer and toxins. That it will DIE in 36 hours. From all of its toxins.

Not so importantly, we get a shot out of the blue of a woman, with facepaint and makeup. Working with Nunchucks. Well mostly holding and posing with them, Even I had to rewind the movie to see if I missed something. I didn’t. It’s just the movie.

You know, gosh it has been a minute hasn’t it? I think it’s time for our 10th pair of booba!

This time its another love scene, and the most romantic line I think a man can use on a woman. “I just wanna suck the polish off your toes.”

So Mr hoover mouth is going to be in for a long night. And we’re 65 minutes in. With 10 breast shots.

Seriously this love scene is full of gems that need to be experiences more than anything.

Much like our team of Dingus and Dangus, Curly and Permy prepairing for their assault on Kingpin Island.

Only in these movies does it make sense.

Speaking of making sense. We distract a guard with Curly tossing a playful frisbee around to an armed guard. But he’s not really that into it. So send in Dangus. Who challenged his masculinity in catching hard thrown frisbees. Now this is a challenge he cannot step down from.

So the two toss a frisbee around. Until Dangus, with the smoothness and sneaking ease of a trained ninja, switches out his black frisbee. With a frisbee he has rigged with razor blades!

Yes. He armed a frisbee and tosses it at the guard. Severing fingers and lodging into his skull.

With that. We are full on into assault mode and the girls are aiming to take down some bad dudes. And with questionable actions.

But also raising curious questions.

Like, is a bazooka really the most viable choice for close quarters fire fights? Apparenly Dingus believes so.Because the man is ready to use his quad launcher 10ft from his target.

Now. I’m not firearms expert. But I have played Call of Duty. I can personally attest to the fact that, using a missle launcher. Which is like a bazooka. Is not the best weapon to use indoors. Let alone on an enemy 10ft from yourself. Granted it kills them and ends their kill streak. But it also takes you out in the process.

But they are using low ballistic missles. So the effect is minimal. That makes it okay.

However Curly wants to use one as well and blows up a helicopter. Thus ending the raid.

Bad guys were killed. A red head we saw the boobs of is also saved from bad guys.

Everything is going swell!

Until they realize they forgot one target. So out on a dirt bike goes Dingus.

While the rest of our brave team escapes back home. To remove all the filth of their raid.

BUT OH NO! Before we could get our 11th possible breast shot. The bad guy they missed is in the house!!

Which really. Really was a bad idea for him.

He comes out and assaults one of the girls flashing his switchblade knife! But Curly is too quick for him and throws herself into a closet! He moves to rush in after her. Big mistake buddy! She’s not hiding! She was arming herself in the closet with a spear gun! Which she uses nailing the man they shot earlier in the film, with a bolt to his chest.

So this guy has been shot in the cheek. Had a spear fired into his chest. Stumbles to the floor dying. But he gets back up! Only for Curly to stab him with his own knife! Killing him again.

She’s had enough of this. It has been a day. So she sits beside her toilet, using a makeup removal pad to dab away the grit and grime. But just as she’s about to flush it. WOOSH!! The cancer contaminated deadly toxin infested, about to die in 23 hours now snake burst out her toilet!

She nopes out of that bathroom as fast as she can and slams the door shut. Only to discover. The man who was shot in the cheek with a gun, took a spear to the chest, Stabbed with his own knife is STILL ALIVE!!

So she hides. And lets nature take its course.

As the bloody mess of a man stands up, and readies to fight and kill Curly in the bathroom. He opens the door and…the snake bites him! Infecting him with cancer and toxins! Killing him. FOR GOOD THIS TIME!!

But now the snake is free!! Whatever will she do! It looks like the end for Curly.

But who should come crashing through her wall on a motorbike, but Dangus. Carrying his trusty quad missle launcher. Which he again uses in a closed space, at close range. On the snake.

Successfully blowing off its head and giving us what should’ve been the films ending line.

Dangus: Where did that snake come from?

Curly: Would you believe….my toilet?

Dangus: Just when you thought it was safe to pee.

Well sadly we still have unfinished business. Remember the drug kingpin who was flooding the island with drugs but didn’t?

They drive up to his expensive looking corporate building, and…our heroes move on to take him out. Which they do, rather easily.

The man pulls out a samurai sword to fight them. But Permy and Dingus have guns. So they shoot him and out the window his body falls.

So the team of gals and guys end up on a boat. Celebrating their victory over the Drug Kingpin. Who never flooded the island with drugs, but instead flew diamonds out. The toxic contaminated deadly snake we were never told about but was half the plot on its own.

But we need one more surprise I think. Yes. Because you see. Even as the credits roll. We need something to go home with yeah?

If you hadn’t guessed, your not paying attention.

The film ends with scenes played during the credits. Which includes, and bumps our total count of breast shown to 15. 15 pairs of breast. The filmmakers saw they only showed 10 pairs of breast and just when you think they’re done, they pull a Rocky and say “I didn’t hear no bell”, and come out with more booba.

But but BUT. Most importantly above all else. The final frame of the credits. The final TWO frames for that matter. Belong to a random ass cat.

That’s right. A cat, lounging ontop of a wooden crate. Aptly painted on the box The End. And that. Is why this film is the greatest action film of all time.

OF ALL TIME!!

But should you check it out instead of reading my play by play? Absolutely. Andy Sidaris films are meant to be experienced as well as scene. These films are great at parties. You are promised to be the talk of your circle of friends with a collection of his films. Myself for Christmas, from my parents. I was gifted a DVD of The Andy Sadaris Collection, it’s called. And no I am not joking.

GIRLS, GUNS, and G-STRINGS!

And much like the pope said after watching The Passion of the Christ, I can safely say. This collection? It is, as it was.

This film is a treasure trove of delights. Between the snake puppet, the bad jokes. Action scenes that turn into awkward fumbling and explosions. Plot that sometimes goes somewhere and does something.  Playmate and Playboy models, with women who believe bikinis are the only bras to exist, and only should be warn for taking off at the beach. Missle launching in doors.

It's like asking a bunch of 12 year olds what they’d want to do for a movie if they could make one, and Andy Sidaris is taking notes the whole time while cackling chewing on his cigar.

YES you should check it out. These reviews are not warnings. They are to entice and draw you to the side of weird abnormality films. Make people ask you “Where the hell do you find this stuff?”, But. It is something most trash films aren’t. Honest. The poster for this film shows you exactly what your getting. Man with a gun, hot girls, a plane, and Hawaii. All on a gorgeous canvas. That you kind of knew from the look of, might not be that great, and once the film opens. All your worst fears and greatest fantasies come to life.

Check it out people!