Spooktober Day 10 CRUEL JAWS!!

Day 10

Cruel JAWS

Some Italians have given us great things.

Priceless works of art still celebrated today, Vespas, Good wine, the Pizza

But not Spaghetti and meatballs. That was an American made funny enough.

They also gave us some of the worst, most bizarre, and blatant rip offs of early cinema Blockbusters it literally blows the mind away.

Like the film Contamination. Contamination was sold as, and in some placed even billed as the sequel to Ridley Scotts ALIEN. It was not. In any way shape, form, premise any of those things. But it was sold as such to garner interest and money. That movie is the most boring experience you will likely experience next to sex with my first girlfriend. Words will never be enough to explain that woman. But if you find yourself staring at your CD spindle and noticing its not in the order you kept it, and that someone likely took from it and didn’t put it back in place. Then remind yourself you are having sex. Well you’ll have an idea what Contamination was like.

But I digress.

Italians have a strong tradition of ripping off successful films, and making horrible copies, and in some cases. Rare cases. They make films like this one. Which are just. Just horrible, but also just entertaining enough to warrant saying you experienced it. Trust me, this film is an experience.

It also still plays on the Italian film market idea of riding a train of success to help further your own. When this film came out, the director Bruno Mattei, used an American name for this film, William Snyder. So the bluray offers you the original version, and the Japanese version which is a minute longer. The Japanese version is dubbed ‘The Snyder Cut’

Surely not at all marketed as such as to confuse anyone with the Justice League Snyder cut.

This movie has so much to offer its insane. We have Jaws meets Jaws 3, meets Star Wars, with Hulk Hogan on the side, with a dash of Breakin’ 2 Electric Boogaloo.

It’ll make sense shortly I promise, and oh is it wonderful.

We begin, with a ship out in a lake. Though its supposed to be the ocean, so don’t tell anyone. A sea captain has dropped two men off and decides now is a time to begin drinking.

Meanwhile the two men scuba diving encounter a giant tiger shark. A huge none plastic miniature destroying shark. Which they battle with their spear guns and eventually find safety from as one of the divers…sets up an explosive charge blocking the shark from following them into a tunnel. Good thinking chief!

Well, Paco and Jose have more problems to deal with now. They only have 3 minutes left in their oxygen tanks and whatever they were doing(Because we can’t honestly tell, and at no time are told what they’re doing) must now be put on hold. Or they completed it. Who knows? But as the men rush to the surface. It appears their early attempt to explode and block a shark, actually set it free? It doesn’t matter. They get eaten. And because of guilt by association. The sea captain also gets eaten.

BUT NO TIME TO LINGER!!

Cut immediately to a busy bridge and happy music, provided to us via casio keyboard!

So now to introduce characters that matter! Screw the initial setup. THIS is the beef of the movie!

At this point we are introduced to one of our main characters. I say that because there really isn’t one central main character there is simply a mass of characters.

But driving across the bridge listening to casio preset funky mix 7, we meet glasses guy and bitchy bitch. Glasses guy is all about fish. Loves the wet gilled creatures and studying them. Bitchy bitch is his sometimes girlfriend who would rather eat fish. She also opens by telling us her man spends every moment with fish and as on more than one occasion found herself without her boyfriend as he got lost with fish. So she’s telling him ‘not this time around! Imma get that dick!” and get it she plans. He shows us his sympathetic side by telling her they will go disco dancing, because that was a thing Italians felt Americans still did well into the 90’s, and the script also was written as if it were for the late 60’s. Partying dancing and passing out in bed after belly slappin sloppy sex. But he juuuuuuust needs to stop by and ‘see the boys’ first. Which cuts us to a place you better get well acquainted with. Because it’s a center point for most of what they pass as ‘plot’. The local amusement park. Well Water Park.

Now this introduction scene. Is going to put you through a storm of emotions. So be prepared.

First we are introduced to the highly trained dolphins of the water wark, Accompanying them is little Sally. The most awkward looking little girl with teeth that remind you, your own looked that twisted when you were a child. She swims and twirls around in the water with the dolphins, with the ease and pageantry of. Well a little girl being yelled at to spin in circles and smile. It’s awkward as hell.

But Glasses guy and Bitchy Bitch love it!

But what’s that sound, far off screen? The roaring of millions and millions of fans. Stomping their feet and pumping their fist. The very heart of America pumping and beating so loud it causes ripples in the park?! It’s the thunderous clapping of hands across the majestic plains of the red white and blue cheering for the man second only to Jesus H Christ himself. That’s right. The REAL American, fighting for all of us. HULK. HOGAN!!!!!

The Hulkster is cheering on, little sally with all the power of his pythons and showing us with a smile as bright as the future of all the worlds children that he approves.

No it is not really Terry Hogan, just a Hulk Hogan look alike. I’m not saying that because the man LOOKS sort of like Hulkster, if you were drunk and high. But because the man WAS a Hulk Hogan impersonator back then. He was only put in this movie, for that very reason. Because he would go to parties and events as Hulk Hogan. So the director felt having him there would make people think ‘Hey! Hulk Hogan is in this movie! We gotta see it!” Did it work? Hell no.

But yes, her dad, is the leader of Hulkamania. But now that your blood is pumpin and you are crying tears of eagles. It’s time to bring you back down brother. Back down to sad reality. You see, Sally is done swimming, so it’s time to come ashore. Where we learn. That little sally. Can’t use her legs.

The girl, who swims with the dolphins, is wheelchair bound, but her dreams are running with the sky.

Bitchy Bitch and Glasses. Though they have known Sally. Look at her with absolute heart breaking sadness.

Again. The people who have known her for a long. Long while, are aware she is in a wheelchair, has not the ability to walk. Go from the happiest of happies. To the saddest of sads.

But who cares. We gotta get on with this movie. So we awkwardly cut to. The most poorly cut scene. We see the actors standing still. Waiting for their mark. Then stepping forward and talking as if we just caught them in the middle of their walk.

Which grants us the best dialog from Hulkster. “In a split second I lost everything, I lost my wife, my will to live, and most of all Susy’s smile.” All while being mixed with circus music which we know was prerecorded from an actual circus. As you can hear people faintly cheering. In an area that has no stands for an audience. Because this was shot on a marine dock. But we like to play pretend.

So we get some backstory here. We learn that the Mr Asshole, an asshole. Is buying up land and property making businesses go under, and he wants the aquarium. But don’t think too hard on it. Because this movie has to move back on to horror.

It also wants to show us, that it ripped off scenes and dialog from jaws. I mean full on scenes reinacted from the movie, and dialog ripped out of the film.

Like Glasses Guy telling us he’s going to be on the Cutty Sark, a floating mad house for fish freaks. The discovery of a body in the sand dunes. “This was no boating accident”

So a body is discovered on a beach, but we can’t linger on it too much.

So the movie cuts away to. The body in the morgue. So we can watch three men. Glasses guy, the sheriff, and the mortician all putting powder under their noses before…well looking at the body. The mortician states it was likely a shark.

END SCENE!

Seriously. The movie cuts away from that, immediately to a scene where we meet the Asshole. Mr Asshole. Who is being an asshole and wont hear anything about, well you guessed it. Shutting down the beaches. Even if Glasses Guy tells him ‘This was the work of a tiger shark, with a mouth this big!’
And before we let that emotional scene sink in, we cut away to the beach and a boy stealing a towel from a bikini beach babe.

All so we can hear a classic like. “She’s like super babe. Man she’s got tits like watermelons” even the actor admitted he cringed at that.

But get ready for another fun scene. We are introduced not only to Pervy Man. But his best friend Roid Rage. Who has a sister. A sister who was talking to a boy. And he don’t take kindly to that! He also doesn’t like that ‘Super babe with watermelon tits’ is with Glasses Guy’. In fact this guy just doesn’t like anything. So he’s gonna have some words with him and let him know this! But not before Pervy man spouts out another awkward Italian line of dialog. “I’m the person in charge of pussy, I have to. You know. Check your credentials.”

Even I, in my long past history of horrible lines, one offs and terrible humor had to give a wtf is this bitch sayin look. But fear not. As the two women he said it too use the only known phrase that can physically kill us men. Just as the Knights Who say Ni, know the word can inflict pain upon others, but they themselves will be destroyed if any speak the one word they cannot fathom to hear. Men also have this. And these women use it against him.

You think I am joking, but we watch this man melt off screen as the girls surround him and begin chanting. Hold on I need a woman to type this for me as I dare not see it written myself. “Dick Brain”

Yes. These women surround him and chant this together like an ancient pagan chant and he withers away into nothingness as it is repeated until he vanishes back into the void.

As Pervy Guy vanishes from this realm. We actually get a nice transition to. More back story.

Roid Rage is chatting with his father the asshole, and they decide the all American Hulk Hogan is trying to get revenge on him for sending him notice to evict. So they need to do something about it. They also need to do something about the guy hitting on his sister. See the movie now wants a Romeo and Juliet romance. Because if you plan on ripping off multiple movies. Why not.

One more awkward cut later and we are back to ripping off Jaws. This time it’s the opening shot of the hippie girl frolicking with a guy and asking him to join her in the water. Only this time the boy does so.

And we get another ripped entirely from Jaws scene. As the camera is placed water level, and a shark. Our shark. The tiger shark attacks a girl who thrashes about gasping and screaming, as bloody water clouds the screen.

But we can’t focus solely on that so lets cut immediately to little Sally no legs feeding her beloved Seal and dolphin friends. Which she does with Juliet. Until the Hulkster tells her ‘We love having you hear brother! But as the sun goes down and the Hulkster lays his head, upon his comfy pillow. He hopes you will be doing the same in the safety of your own home.” So Romeo drives her home. But apparently decides to walk along the beach to her home? For reasons, I guess?

Which leads to loving brother Roid Rage interrupting. He shouts at the two of them, and as Juliet tries to tell Roid Rage to calm down. He punches her. Not slaps, or shoves. Grabs or tosses. He balls up his fist and slams it right into her face. Then proceeds to beat on Romeo all while spouting off about The horrible Montagues being below that of the Capulet’s and Roid Rages wish to be a fist to rest upon the cheek of Romeo, but lo his dream is reality as he pounds Romeo into the sand.

So another sudden cut of film and the Capulet gang are now headed to Hulksters water park. They have a mission. The mission? Which seems rather extreme in most cases. But believable from someone who would punch his sister in the face. They have come to the park, with toxic poison laced fish to feed the dolphins and seals. Strychnine and rat poison. That’s what the fish we are told is laced with. The poor dolphin daisy has taken part of the deadly fish. But Seal bro has come to the rescue, alerting Hulk Hogan. Hulk being one of the few to walk this earth and understand the cries of the seal. Runs to investigate. And though strychnine is an oderless tasteless toxic crystalline powder. He picks up the fish, smells it, and knows it is poison laced.

So another awkward cut and we are greeted to a much needed laugh. We are now at the sheriffs office, and the first visage to greet us. Is the most intense literal deer in headlights stare from a blonde man. He genuinely looks terrified. He has the look of someone who gambled on ‘is it a fart or poop’ and realized he bet horribly, horribly wrong.

This man. Is the man whos girlfriend was eaten by a shark on the beach.

SO after another awkward sudden cut. We are back to the aquarium. Where they I assure you are not shooting in what is affectionately called ‘day for night’ where they use a blue filter to make daylight appear light night or early morning. But they are. They really are.

So Glasses Guy is working to safe the dolphin and Hulkster is genuinely concerned. But he has little to worry about as Glasses guy informs him they should be just fine.

So after another sudden cut. We get the funniest scene since the last transition. Sheriff Hasslehof leaps over a guard rail while what we can title as ‘chase music’ is playing. Sharp 80’s guitar riff and keyboard. Exciting music. As he trots off and, goes to the aquariums theater. Where glasses guy is sitting, reviewing a slide show of shark pictures. And the music stops as the sheriff begins chatting with him about, well sharks. Believe me when I say this is not the last awkward musical choice. We have gold coming up soon.

We also have another direct script rip off of jaws as Glasses guy informs the sheriff that all sharks really do is “Eat, swim, and make little baby sharks”, followed by the only way to get rid of sharks. Kill them, or starve them.

So we get a legitimate cut to a much happier sounding soundtrack playing license free music, As Mr Asshole decides to take a look at the aquarium, upsetting the Hulkster. Who tells Mr. Asshole flat out “I will kick the asses of anyone you send to poison my animals again!.....Brother!”

Since little Sally is involved we get more awkward child line readings, and an even more awkward forced laugh as the seal barks and comes up behind Mr Asshole, to push him into the water.

After a sudden cut we are now at the mayors office, where he and Mr Asshole, along with the Sheriff are discussing their annual boat show and how it will be like ringing the dinner bell on their beach.

Cut suddenly to a great scene.

A love scene. With glasses guy and bitchy bitch. On the tv is a commercial, and what I can only describe to you as 80’s exercise music. Up beat, repeating notes. While the two passionately make out and feel each other up on the couch. Until a knock on the door from the sheriff interrupts them. Venessa and her highly visible nipples through her very thin top answer the door. The sheriff tells Glasses Guy that he needs to discuss the murder with him.

This immediately sets off Bitchy Bitch. Because she wont be getting laid.  Which pisses her off enough to ignore the sheriff and his actual need of someone with knowledge that could be of use. So she grabs her stuff, and tells Glasses Guy to throw himself off of the tallest building and fuck himself. Before storming out the door to her friends jeep that happened to pull up at that moment.

So another sudden jarring cut and we are now with Hulk Hogan giving little Sally a talk about sharks. She ask him “Why do sharks eat people?” And the Hulkster stands up ripping his shirt off, answering back. “When the almighty in his highest wisdom created the beautiful animal we call sharks. He made them the dominant predator of their turf. The Ocean. Sharks are wild free and mans most dangerous natural enemy! They fear nothing! They can’t feel pain! They go around bullying all the little fish and little creatures of the sea Susy! But your dad. The Hulkster. He knows fear! He can feel pain! But you better believe me when I say this Sunday at the Anaheim Convention Center, July the 4th. The day of our founding fathers inked out our decleration of independence and we now celebrate the freedom and truth of our land with fireworks, family, and food. The Hulkster is going to go diving into those waters Sally. He’s going to grab that shark by his gills. Wrestle him to the bottom of Atlantis and drop. The most powerful leg in all of wrestling on that shark. He will teach him fear. He will teach him pain! So whatchu gonna do Sharky! When the power of Hulkamania runs wild on you!” Sally is confused, understandably. And decides to go to sleep and ask her father for a reasonably priced explanation for what the hell he was talking about.

After this we are now at a party. The party Bitchy Bitch wanted to go too with her friend.

So of course, of all the people they could dance with. They decide to dance with Roid Rage and the now once more alive Pervy man.

Bitchy Bitch decides to complain to Roidy about her fish loving boyfriend. Which prompts Roid rage to tell Bitchy Bitch that he is. Horribly lonely, confused, and has a heart full of love. So he suggest they go off to the beach of passion, to make out.

Which also sounds like a good idea to Romeo and Juliet as they talk romantically on the beach and also, play in the sands on the beach of passion.

Seems everyone wants to be on this beach during the day.

Well night.

Yes they’re shooting day for night. Again. Which becomes very funny once you know what to look for.

So just as Roid Rage begins heavily making out with Bitchy Bitch, who has forgotten entirely about her boyfriend.

Say…we haven’t had a jaws rip off scene in a while have we.

Well they decide to give us one as the shark, for no reason. Attacks a mile marker in the water, and begins towing, not a barrel. But air ball behind it, as it chases the horny new couple out of the water.

So after a sudden cut, we are now at a town hall meeting as the Sheriff and Mr Asshole assure everyone, that between shark nets, helicopters, and boats. No one will be attacked during this event. We have his word on that.

We even get to see these well protected beaches and those protecting it, good on them for showing this. It must’ve set them back a bit. However the best thing to come out of this scene. Is an Australian family approaching the sheriff as he watches the beaches, and ask him where they can go to see the shark that’s been killing people. The sheriff in forms them the shark is dead and it’s no longer a concern. The dad is upset about this, because they came all this way to see a killer shark, and the news didn’t tell anyone that the shark was dead. In fact we were never told the shark was dead either. Someone screwed up in the editing. But the scene shows us that Italians believe either Americans are the worst, or they have a particular method to parenting. As the mans little girl tells him she wanted to see the shark, and he tells her. With zero affection, or emotion “Shut up”.

So the boat show is ready to start things off and we get an 80’s rock band playing quietly. Gently in the background. Because it can’t be too loud, or we might miss out on key dialog.

We don’t miss any dialog.

It’s also less a show and actually a regatta. Which Romeo is participating in against Roid Rage.

The whole thing is pointless and takes away from the shark. But it gives us more of the Hulkster, and Bitchy Bitch acting like she wasn’t dry humping roid rage and is now concerned where her boyfriend is now that she no longer has blue balls.

Actually its another fun scene entirely as we have once again entirely inappropriate generic music playing. As the race goes on, the shark fights through the shark net. And we get amazing trash talk from Roid Rage to Romeo. Like such greats as “Your nothing. Your shit! You’re a loser!” as Romeo is unphased by this, and believes love will guide him to victory. Roid Rage simply shouts out Death to all Montagues! And kicks Romeo off his board.

Not soon after the shark begins attacking everyone. We know where the shark is naturally because…the air ball. Thanks to Jaws for the inspiration. It’s absolute chaos as the shark attacks. People act shocked, and poor little sally is traumatized as Bitchy Bitch comforts her. The water is filled with legs, blood and teeth. While the beach is littered with jiggling butt cheeks and bouncing boobah. And a lunatic Hulk Hogan spouting off about the Ultimate Warrior and Macho Man while people scream for help. Help. That will not come.

Now, if you are easily shocked, I suggest you prepare yourself now. As poor Suzy has shaken free of Bitchy Bitch and her chair goes rolling off into the water. But Bitchy Bitch dives in for the rescue. Going in after her and helping little Suzy to safety. Glasses guy is there to retrieve her as the Hulkster was still busy oiling up and lacing his boots. Suzy may be safe, and now in a state of shock. But Bitchy bitch is not so lucky. Glasses guy gets to watch as the shark begins tugging and gnawing on her legs in the water. Apparently she has good taste, because the shark eats her.

After an awkward sudden cut we now make it to the hospital. Where Hulks theme music is playing, Mean Gene is standing by and Hulk teamed up with Glasses guy face off against Mr Asshole. Telling him he has no choice now but to offer an award to someone to kill the shark.

Which brings us to the Hulkster and Glasses guy giving the town a presentation on how to kill a shark, but to be ware as it will be the toughest match of their lives.

So we cut away from that because its boring. Instead we need a scene where Roid Rage sneaks around with the ease of a porn star in a scene sneaking by in plain sight, as Mr Asshole makes a feal with. The mob, about handling things, and getting rid of the Hulkster. The shark is driving prices and destroying Mr Assholes deal. So they need this shark dead and dead fast. Or Mr Asshole, will be the one sleeping with the fishes.

Seriously this movie has everything going on.

Speaking of. We have finally arrived. To the most amazing, stupendous, astonishingly astounding astronomical ripping off of a single piece of music in the history of cinema.

Roid Rage, Pervy Guy, Dick brain girl and friends all board a boat to go shark hunting, and as they leave the doc, as god as my witness the film score decides to use the beginning of John Williams Star Wars Theme. If you don’t pay for this movie? Shame on you. Go to youtube and google Cruel Jaws Star Wars. Your welcome.

Now don’t worry. We don’t get a Quint in this movie. Instead we get amazing dialog from people who have never been on any kind of boat. The shark which is twice the size of Roid Rages yacht. Is coming for them. Roid Rage shouts to Pervy Guy “Pull over! Pull this thing over so I can shoot it” Obviously you need to pull over safely in a lane to do so. In the middle of the ocean.

The scene is beautiful because aside, terrible dialog. We get more fake forced screams. And cuts of great white sharks eating meat. Which is another Jaws rip off as the girl tells them as they put a hook through the meat she brought as bait “I sure hope this works, its my holiday roast”

Thankfully for her. The bait does work, and the shark attacks it. However what isn’t so great. Is the absolute stupidity of those on the boat.

Allow me to paint for you the scene.

Roid Rage has been knocked off the boat and the shark is about to eat him. Pervy Guy goes hunting for a flair gun. Dick Brain girl goes and finds. A 5 gallon gas canister. Which she holds above her head.

Roid Rage is beating devoured by the shark. Dick Brain girl screams in horror. While dousing herself, Pervy Guy, and the boat in gasoline. While Pervy Guy points the flair gun at the shark. If you can see this scene going anyway other than perfectly planned. Well.

Yes they end up blowing themselves and the boat up.

Which even though the S.S. Dipshit which explodes in the middle of the water. Hulk Hogans boat is somehow close enough to hear it. But not see it, or the boat. This obviously troubles them. But who cares, the coast guard tells them come back in it aint safe. So that’s what they do.

So we suddenly cut to…coast guard sheriffs office where. The sheriff is loading up a rifle, and holiday roast into his helicopter. He has. A plan. The most fantastic plan imaginable. In the history of all shark hunting.

He flies out to the ocean. Finds the shark swimming around. And. Puts the roast onto a hook. Which he lowers into the water. With the intent of shooting the shark from the safety of his helicopter.

It’s a wonderful scene because we get to see more of the shark. Which is also great. The shark seems to like idling in one spot, and keeping 40% of its body out of the water. And no. No the shark does not leap out of the water and destroy, or eat the helicopter. Instead the shark does take the roast. While the pilot states “We need a bigger helicopter”, the sheriff begins firing rapidly at the shark. But the shark is the chosen one and bullet time dodges every bullet. Dragging the helicopter down to the water. Where its free to eat the pilot and sheriff at its leisure.

But before we can let that settle in. Yes we

Cut suddenly to a scene of the mob further threatening Mr Asshole

And we cut to more important things. Backstory.

Is it really important? You have no idea.

So glasses guy informs us. The pattern of the sharks territory, as sharks are territorial feeders, which is a theory he firmly believes in, Like Matt Hooper in Jaws told us but never mind that. We learn from its pattern that. The shark came from a naval animal testing facility where. Get ready for it. The navy was training animals to attack targets and fight wars.

But they also have a good idea exactly where to strike. So its time for action.

And another sudden jump cut, as two mob hitmen.  One in tropical orange shorts and matching shirt, the other in ball hugging dick defining spandex shorts. They’ve stolen the maps and are headed out to kill the shark themselves!

But the Hulkster isn’t going to let this go! They’re repairing the S.S. Hulkamania to pursue them and get that shark.

Which if you think about it for a minute. If the mob wants the shark dead.  Isn’t that the best thing? I mean is it really that bad if the bad guys get to the shark and kill it?

OF COURSE IT IS!! They need that reward money so they can save the aquarium!

Besides the Hulkster has been training for this match. The battle of beast and man. The jaws of the ocean versus the fist of freedom!

But also the mafia hitmen die. Another award worthy scene because. No the deaths aren’t gory but. For literally and figuratively no reason. The boom operator farts. That is the only legitimate guess I can make. But there is an audible fart noise as the shark goes under water with the body. It is not an accidental sounds like a fart noise either. It is a Brrrrrap fart. Explain it to me, please.

We also get to see the Hulk and his boat go off to fight their fight with the shark and. Once again. Because to hell with copyright infringement and blatant use of another artist material. We get to hear the first section of John Williams Star Wars Main Theme again.

Why they did it, how they did it. Knowing its wrong but still doing it. We will never know.

It’s just more to enjoy with the film.

I mean come on. We have a giant sized attacking, trained by the military tiger shark running shark ops on a small town, with Hulk Hogan and his wheelchair bound daughters water park down in Florida. What more could you ask for.

Unless you live outside the box and in the realm of things like sense and reason.

So the guys setup multiple traps, booby traps, explosive traps, dynamite. Everything except the Hulkster dressed up as a lady shark, all in preparation to take down this combat effective shark.

It’s go time and we are ready.

Well the shark evades gunfire top side from Hulk Hogan and his shotgun. Cornering some of our heroes. Well Glasses Guy is going to get in the water and be the best all American hero he can go. He doesn’t even take the time to properly strap on an oxygen tank. He just leaps in with it and he’s ready to fight. Well actually he’s ready to fix a small oopsie in their plan. The shark was knocking around things and managed in his expert training to snap the detonation cables they setup. So Glasses goes down below to repair this expertly setup trap. And just like Arnold and The Predator when he taunts the Predator to come for him and kill him. Glasses does the same. Sort of. Actually its unclear as it’s a bunch of sudden cuts and confusing scenes. But the main point here. Is he fixed the problem. The explosives go off, and the shark, along with anything below their ship are completely destroyed and sent back to hell.

So we get our happy ending.

The shark is dead.

The water park is saved. As we see now. Complete with an actual crowd this time. Watching the seals and dolphins perform. Even Mr Asshole is trying to enjoy himself and the knowledge he is indebted to the mod and they will kill him. But as he gets up to present Hulk Hogan with his check, and thanks for the work he did. The seal. Our hero. The peoples champion if you will. Sneaks up again and pushes him back into the water. Where Mr Asshole flails hopelessly and the seal taunts him swimming around him with a flipper in the air like a sharks fin. As Suzy laughs and Hulk Hogan laughs the hardest and we are carried off to the credits with LL Cool J’s great American hit from Deep Blue Sea “My hat is like a sharks fin”

Actually no. Not at all

So we get a sudden and final jump cut from the laughter of Hulk Hogan to the ocean floor where, a shark is swimming we can assume, and the title once more greets us and. For one final time. We are greeted again, to the music of John Williams, for a few bars and then a song mixes with it once more. To show you it wasn’t entirely ripped off. Just a few bars of it were.

The End.

This movie, I know I keep using the phrase a lot lately. But this movie, truly is an experience to behold. The best thing to watch while drinking with friends. I’ve shown it to multiple people and despite how cheesy and horrible it is. They all love it. They all laugh at the dialog. Scenes cutting awkwardly, the ripped off scenes and lines from Jaws, the Star Wars Music. Hulk Hogans impersonator. I mean everything about this thing is gold.

And that’s just the film itself. There is so so much more. Remember the Italian tradition I mentioned of ripping off films and passing them off as sequels to get them made? This film was no exception. This movie was sold to investors and billed in some theaters in Italy(until lawyers got involved) as Jaws 5.

They seriously sold this film as that. A continuation of the Jaws franchise, after the disaster that was Jaws 4 The Revenge. There is a variable treasure trove of things like this for the film. It only helped build a legacy for the movie to forever be remembered as one of those great video store and film oddities.

The poster, while original, and still selling itself as. Well what it is. Was a very hard thing to spot. Because no one really cared to carry it. Unless you were lucky. Or cursed. So I will present this with the Jaws 5 poster. Until legally told otherwise.

Please don’t sue me.

I am poor as hell. I do this for nothing.

Eitherway. Buy it, rent it, watch it free on Amazon Prime. But as always. Check it out!