Day 10 Critters & Critters 2!!!!

Oh sweet childhood, how I love these furry balls of death

So of course I can't do this without the crites.

I can't even remember how young I was when we first saw this movie, but lord do I remember seeing the sequel in theaters with our family and laughing our asses off.

If anyone, anywhere, ever says. EVER says Critters 2 sucks compared to the original, you need a nipple punch.

The sequel surpasses the original by leaps and bounds!

It MORE than holds up to it.

So lets get this out of the way to get to the good stuff, the main course as the sequel says.CRITTERSIn an itty bitty town on an itty bitty farm, there landed an itty bitty ship, and in that itty bitty ship there came some itty bitty beast. So those itty bitty beast rolled out to the itty bitty farm and itty bitty fucked things up. It's alright to be a little biddy though. They don't share, they love to smile, and they'll poop you out into itty bitty balls in an itty bitty pile.

Sorry Alan Jackson, forgive me.So yes. Galactic bounty hunters, yes. Galactic Bounty hunters are called in to help aid in capturing some escaped troublesome, super dangerous prisoners, a race known as Crites.

The crites take off in a fun sized space ship and land out at Green Acres farm house in the middle of nowheres town USA. There we meet the town drunk, a terrible punk brother, a pretty cool sister, and their parents fighting for sanity on the family farm.

The crites land not far from the farm house and roll out for recon, literally they roll around to get anywhere and it's cute AF. So the critters discover human life and decide it's delicious. So they go around nomming whatever is in their way. Meanwhile the bounty hunters land not far behind and decide they can't walk around as themselves, seeing as they are a faceless race of morphing beings.

So they transform themselves into...80's rock singer and 80's man. Their outfits are completely boss, and most excellent cosplay for the coming civil war. The bounty hunters decide to team up with the town drunk because why not, they go around blasting things for funsies so people will take them super cereal, and they head off to find the furry not so purry crites. Meanwhile on Farmville. the family is under attack by the critters and it's awesome. Why?

Because the humor and horror in this are mixed oh so well and happen rather suddenly. one of my favorite moments is the critter assault on the farmhouse the mother struggles to load their double barrel shotgun while fighting the critters, they manage to get away and close the doors. The critters begin talking "They have weapons!" "So what?" the mom sticks the gun through the door, blows away one of the critters so the other screams "Oh fuck!" and rolls away.I mean it's great lolThere's so much going on in the middle of what should be horrific, but that's where the charm comes from.

So the crites, are known as the galactic asshole of all races. Which they must live up to. How so? How could they be any more asshole-ish while attacking a poor family and their farm? The critters manage to escape in their space ship, tiny and cute as it is, and....they blow up the families farm.It's the funniest galactic middle finger to the humans, that the crites were pissed for being chased off and killed, they decided 'Yeah we're free but also, fuck you!" But the good guy bounty hunters say "Nah you cant go" and they blast the critters out of the sky.

Adopting the loveable town drunk and, making him a bounty hunter.Which honestly? Is really messed up!I mean think about it.Charlie, the drunk, is picked up and made a bounty hunter, he leaves earth, with these guys, to hunt alien bounties. This man is the human equivalent of Jar jar Binks in the "I would trust him to clean a cattle prod in the bath tub" department. So these guys think he'll survive as a bounty hunter? Okay cool, I guess. So the music plays, things are peaceful, and all is well.

Until it's not!!

CRITTERS 2

So the sequel picks up a few years later. We get to see a wonderful Normal Rockwell inspired town of hap hap happy people, all gearing up for easter. But there will be no eating of eggs this year. This year the eggs eat you muhahaha...ha. God that was painful.So yes, the critters are back.

They left some eggs from the first film, in a comfy cozy barn and someone discovers them and.....decides well why not use them for easter because, you know. Eggs is eggs, no matter where they came from, and easter bunny gotta have eggs.The bounty hunters return, along with Charlie.

Who apparently wasn't violated(as far as we know) repeatedly by alien felons while hunting with his buddies. He meets up with the young boy from the first film and it's Crite time!The humor in this one is amped up, the gore is definitely still there, oh believe me it is. Again these films are a gem. They're ridiculous and they embrace it.

The bounty hunters are a good source of it to. Upon landing the main bounty hunter takes on the same face as before. While his counterpart can't seem to settle on a face. Which leads them to, well. turning into a smut magazine centerfold. Complete with an over sized staple in their midsection. Because of the magazine they copied themselves from, and huge honking boobs! My young mind was not ready for this, but there they were!The same bounty hunter also nearly transforms into Freddy Kreuger and an assortment of fun face changes. But ultimately settles on smut lady.

But sadly they die. They fall pray to a trap set by the Crites and become dinner. Which is sad. But cheer up! This film has one of the funniest things me and my sister still remember and laugh at today.

The easter egg hunt. The town of simpletons paint the Crite eggs and hide them, So once they hatch these lil guys are hungry. Hop hop hopping around is a guy in an Easter Bunny suit, who...finds some of the empty egg shells and...gets hit in the balls by three critters, as they enter his suit, through the crotch of the bunny suit, each one just slamming into the guys nuts.It is fine American cinema at its peak.The film also gives us one of the greatest things committed to celluloid. A critter ball. Which was so awesome they had to use it in the poster art, and trailer.

The critters pull a Voltron and hug together to form a giant sized rolling....critter ball. Which devour humans right down to their shaking skeleton. Also an amazing thing to happen.Let us not forget also, the fun plan for getting the critters in one gathering spot to take them out,

Dumping a huge load of raw hamburger meat, which years later Godzilla ripped off when luring the giant lizard with a huge pile of fish. Critters 2 did it first, and masterfully. So the critters are once again defeated, The bounty hunter is down a friend, but he has Charlie....but not. Charlie decides earth, for some reason. Needs him. So he leaves the galactic alien bounty hunter who befriended him, took him on adventures, and gave his life meaning, showing him things no human will ever see. Because he was needed here. On earth.

Which I took to mean they had no booze in space.There were other sequels after this of course, and still are sequels being made. But these two are the best stopping point before you end up reaching into a goodie bag and realize its full of crap, and you just reached into a homeless ladies shit bag.Granted part three has a very young Leonardo DiCaprio.

It's just not worth it.

So yes.

The sequel stands a step above the original. Sure it didn't have as much of the seriousness as the original. But it still had the gore, the humor, more of the humor, and boobs. It built on the original, continued it in a way that made sense(mostly) and hell even part three tried holding to the continuity of the first two. Okay honestly if you really want to see the critter sequels? Just skip the one in space, part 4 I think it was, and avoid the last two newest ones. They're garbage. So basically ignore the sequels, Watch part three for Leo, and then just rewatch the only two that matter. The first two.