SHARK-A-THON CONTINUES! Day 2

Day 2 Virus Shark

I must admit, one day in on this shark-a-thon watch and I already nearly fried my brain with Shark Huntress, I may have questioned my sanity. What remains of it. But it’s dead and buried. Its grave deficated and urinated on vigorously. So what possible harm could a film like Virus Shark inflict. Right? It couldn’t possibly be any worse. I mean…well. Could it?

Virus Shark

Tag Line: Something Deadly is Plaguing these Waters.

Synopsis: A shark bite spreads a virus across the globe, turning the world upside down. Deep below the ocean, a group of researchers race against time to find a cure. Something has infected the lab technicians and it’s a rage against time to reach the surface with an antidote before they are all killed by themselves and the sharks lurking inside the test pool and outside in the ocean.

So is this the next worst thing to come out of my decision to do this? HELL NO! This is the film we all needed. It’s covid meets sharks. It’s horribly low budget, it’s 76 minutes long! It’s absolutely perfect in everyway. Possibly I mean, sweet fish christ anything is better than Shark Huntress. So lets begin, and hope for the best.

Before we do. I feel it should be noted and said. This film cost $182 dollars. That can’t be true, but it also is true. It is also. A film by one of the original masters of horrible never watch again VHS store filler directors. Mark Polonia. One of the men behind FEEDERS, the worst film about Alien invasions. Made this film.

For $182 dollars. A Polonia brother made this movie. And I loved it. God how low is the bar.

SHVID-1

That is the deadly virus we are facing  now, at least in this film. It’s a virus that infected sharks and after one surfer was bitten, the virus spread on a global scale, infecting millions. It also affected daily life as we know it. As demonstrated with one of the films first shots featuring a row of girls in bikinis attempting to twerk flat asses and some ending up having spasms in their hips. It’s like watching someone with a spine attempt to dance like Axel Rose. Truly horrific.

We learn there is also an under water facility where humanities last hope is working on a cure for this outbreak.

800 meters above the facility the world is in chaos, wars have devastated entire cities, man has turned against man and well it’s just a bad trip for everyone.

The main thing to note here? Is this film is very incredibly low budget but the people involved actually care and it shows. They aren’t hiding this fact. They’re embracing it. They are using sound effects from free use packs, horribly cgi sharks that look like late 90’s screen savers. But damnit man it works! It works beautifully. Even the music is something. So we are definitely in for a fun time. Trust that.

So the first amazing character we meet is someone out of a fever dream. They look like Diamond Dallas Page, but with a Dog the Bounty Hunter wig, with the voice of your uncle. Imagine a gruff man with a voice like Peewee Herman.

He’s amazing. He also has received some bodies from the surface, Which we get a peak at. Apparently the virus mutates human beings into the love child of E.T. and The Toxic Avenger. Pretty neat. It’s not, its just silly but hey let’s go with it.

So we have bodie deliveries, a shark expert working with sharks, a doctor in charge of the facility, and a maintenance man that works off of tasting puddles they discover. He is a man who knows no fear. Trust me, if I saw what he did, a wall of pipes with a gross toilet layed on its side near the lower pipes leaking forming a puddle on the ground? I would not rush to dip my fingers in that and take a taste. I’ve learned that lesson in the past. Believe me.

So DDP is our mercenary type who hates being in this lap with science people doing science and would rather be banging hit chicks and fighting vs. Well doing science. Obviously.

So naturally our team of experts are hard at work. Including our glasses wearing doctor who needed the bodies from the surface. Which DDP brings to her all too happily. Which helps to establish his character and their wishes to bang and party versus science it up. The only thing we learn in this scene is that. DNA from this body brought in, is having an incredible reaction to the shark virus. The pathogens from the body worked rapidly to destroy shark covid and if she can identify the type of shark that bit this person. She could possibly create a vaccine, or cure. Whatever. It’s exciting!

It's also worth noting that DDP is packing a .22 rifle. I know this because it has an extended tiny clip sticking out of its otherwise imposing body. I also will continue to question the viability of guns underwater. Highly pressurized environments do not react well to bullets. But that’s neither here nor there. We got science!

So with our new breakthrough in blood samples. Our board of heroes decide it is imperative we capture as many sharks as possible that fit the profile. The type of shark we are after? A Mako shark. One of the fastest and nastiest of sharks.

This is. In a word. Amazing.

The sets these people use are great, it’s the act of purity in embracing your lack of a budget and using places you think would look cool for your film. Like the shark experts shark tank. It’s an indoor university swimming pool. The lead doctors office is a teachers office. The complicated network of pipes for the large underwater facility is a simple water pipe room on campus. But the best thing to look forward to here. Is the shark capture scene. So lets review.

We identified the shark type which has antibodies that repel the virus. Head doctor says lets capture and test multiple mako’s. So DDP slings his rifle off his shoulder and is ready to hunt. How does this work?

DDP begins rapidly shooting at…the sharks in the ‘containment area’ aka our swimming pool. They do a wide shot to even SHOW us it’s a swimming pool. You can see the marks and everything for it. They don’t give a crap! So he shoots rapidly and in random spots all over the water. We see a nasty super angry mutated mako shark rawr at us. Then. In all its glory. We see someone lowering two silver painted grabby hand toys down. Which look as convincing as you can imagine. These grabby hand claws dip down into the water of the swimming pool . We get a close up of the grabby claws green screened over a size too large cgi shark crashing toward us. They caught the shark!

YES WE GET TO SEE IT IN GRABBY HANDS!!

It looks like a toy shark with super imposed cgi being lifted by two grabby hand toy arms. It’s the most amazing thing to ever come out of a studio. Fuck you ILM!!

This film was made for $182 dollars.

But alas the shark they caught was a great white. All is lost! At least for the moment. So they’ll need to work on it a bit longer. So back to shooting and clamping random sharks. Science is not always exact. It takes time.

But not too long in a 76min film.

Just a reminder. Shark Huntress barely began touching on anything happening 20 minutes in, We’re already at 23min and this story is going places.

So while shark capture team, captures a shark. Glasses girl is continuing her research. But trouble is afoot! Or rather a slime. As she diligently works on making her cure to save the last of humanity. An orange blob of Gak slime flops off of the latex body and onto the floor. I fear her time may be short lived. This slime is not just slime. Its intelligent slime and its on a mission of discovery. Its learning about its place on the food chain. Actually no its just chilling by her foot. And just as she decides to push away from her iMac and rub her tired eyes. Which gives us a quick glimpse of the camera man holding a handheld camera in the monitor. It also gives us a sudden JUMP SCARE! The slime ball of orange gak has leapt onto her face smothering her! We shall miss you glasses girl.

But more shocks are on the way. Poor DDP has suffered a bite! Well not a bite, just a scratch. How a shark scratches you doesn’t matter. Trust in the science.

So off he goes to visit Dr glasses gak face. While Larry the pool guy entertains us with…his deep thoughts on the station and surprise jumps from sharks watching him. He even comments at one point “Are we watching you, or you watching us”, which I like to think is a homage to the film The Stuff when the character uses the movies tag line “Are you eating it? Or is it eating you.” Larry the pool guy also casually mentions how the station is likely going to explode. Because its leaking salt water and, apparently he never was told to maintain the place properly. Go figure.  

On top of this lead scientist man is having to deal with business lady via a shaky camera call. Which really test your eyes. I am not sure why it works this way. But any time he has business calls with her to discuss the lateness in their testing and producing anything. Her image is shot with a white cloth hung behind her, and the camera wobbles constantly for……………visual effect of poor signal under miles of water? Sure.

So armed with the knowledge from larry the pool guy that they have roughly 48 hours to escape before everything goes belly up and boomy bang explode time. Head scientist man has decided to take things into his own hands. Which involves taking their work at gun point from shark tank scientist and readying to escape to the surface without the rest of the team.

Could things get any worse? YER DAMN RIGHT THEY CAN!!

On one hand we have glasses gak girl who is now a full fledged zombie goo girl.

We have DDP having weird dreams while deadly shark virus SHVID-1 rampages like Big Daddy Pump through his veins.

On top of that?! Head science guy who has shark tank lady at gun point, is attacked by zombie goo girl allowing shark tank girl to escape!

AND. ON. TOP. OF. THAT?!?! Larry the pool guy just ran a super computer simulation and discovered he was horribly wrong! The station doesn’t have 48 hours till it explodes! The station has 10 hours!! So he casually roams around telling everyone “Hey…we’re all gonna die”. It’s the savior we all need right now.

AAAAAAAND

ON

TOP

OF

ALL

THAT?!

Head science evil man contacts business lady to inform her he is ready for extraction. Even though he’s now infected himself as well. When business lady responds she is…covered in bloody pock marks! The virus is spreading at a super triple rate now!

This is what they call break neck speed people! Blink and you miss it! Catch your breath, if you can!

So now the fate of humanity rest in the hands of a sweaty shark scratched DDP, Shark tank girl, and Larry the Pool guy. All of whom are racing to track down and stop the lead scientist evil guy.

Who is attacked again in the hallway by zombie goo girl. But he escapes unscathed!

Don’t worry. This film knows we need a break in the action to change our diapers and take in what we just witnessed.

Actually I just want to say how much I appreciate this film. It embraces itself in everyway and keeps things moving along without weight itself down in characters or forcing people to act and feel like they had a real scene. It’s sharks. With a virus. Also zombies.

Which I have to say. The infected sharks are adorable. They range from animated photos of sharks with colorful green, purple, orange, and blue circles on their bodies. To chunks of red gore on their faces.

This film was made for $182 dollars

It ain’t pretty. But it works. And that’s all it has to do for us.

How the sharks are suddenly intelligent though, still isn’t explained.

But who cares it works and it’s not Shark Huntress.

So back to our movie.

Lead evil science guy is trying to make his escape using their one and only source of escape! A lengthy elevator that goes directly up to the surface….because fuck logic.

So he takes off in their one and only way of escape, ready to laugh wickedly as they do. But he can’t! Why? Because virus shark, the intelligent mako shark attacks the elevator tube! Crushing and killing the evil lead scientist guy. So he’s met a fitting end. We’ll say.

We rejoin shark tank lady as she’s working hard at perfecting a cure for the virus. Which good for her because that orange gak is back and ready to make her part of the zombie goo collective! But she is wise enough not to scream upon seeing the intelligent gak monster. Instead she pours out some of the….possible…shark virus cure onto the gak and. It killed it! Huzzah! Another breakthrough and a victory for science!.

So now she can continue her work to completion! We hope.

Meanwhile however. Larry the pool guy and DDP are in the maintenance bay, aka the janitors supply room of the university which includes belts, batteries, cleaning supplies and for some reason coolant. Larry is studying the blueprints to the facility and decides to do his best Rainman impression by repeating “No…no…no…no…no” Naturally DDP is perplexed by this and ask him just what the hell is wrong. He tells us ‘this aint good’, points to the blueprints and is angered at the fact water is dripping onto the precious plans. But just like a confused dog who worried when you said his name, then saw his food dish. He goes from ‘This ain’t good’ to “Hey whats this” and suddenly we know things are not that bad for us. Because he found….a thing.

So the dynamic tag team run off to gather shark tank lady and GTFO. But oh no! Shark Tank lady is attacked by Zombie goo girl!! Thankfully DDP arrives in time to shoot her in the head and no one is lost. So now it’s time to escape! But how?

Well that’s apparently what had Larry the pool guy so excited! He discovered on the far side of the station a crate marked Hamdingers which had an escape pod labeled the Deus Ex Machina. Actually none of that is true. He just located an escape hatch with a pod so that’s where they are headed now.

The trio make their way to the source of their salvation. Only to discover the station is dissolving faster and faster. So much so that only her and Larry the pool guy can escape, leaving poor DDP behind.

He also gets eaten by a shark in a very hilarious fashion. Bless this movie. But farewell and godspeed dear prince.

Our duo have made it to the escape pod and are headed surface side. But that intelligent mako is there to roar and growl at them. Attacking their little craft. So Larry decides to get-r-done, and fires off electrical charges to fend the shark off. Which works.

Until it doesn’t!!

The shark attacks again! This time in a homage to JAWS 3-D, ramming head first into the craft destroying the escape craft.

Which leaves Shark Tank lady washed up on the beach. She believes Larry the pool guy died from the shark attack and their pod sank. She now must wonder the wasteland.

Which. I gotta give them credit. The film could’ve ended there, or with a big shark fight. But no. Now we are expanding this story. We are progressing in the most beautiful cheap cheesy way possible.

We meet. The infected! Poor Shark Tank girl is captured by a family of southern redneck infected humans. Who embrace the stereotype of “I’m the one in charge! No one tells me what to do!” and “We have the power now! We aint trustin no underwater skirt!” It’s made even better by Shark tank girl trying not to smile delivering her lines. Which honestly on the note of acting? Yes they’re all horrible. But they aren’t unprofessional. They deliver their dialog and it doesn’t sound forced. Its just people acting out fantasy. Not forcing themselves to show range or create a highlight reel. Which works out far better for a film in most cases.

So now these infected believe they hold all the cards now. So of course they want to use her and the cure as bargaining chips. They want to offer the cure to any normies still alive, and ask for millions of dollars and control over all the people. It makes no sense but we’re going with it.

Do we get to see the mutants? Yes we do, oh yes we do. They are glorious. Its people wearing burlap sacks and burlap tarks over their bodies. With monster mask from spencer’s gifts. Some of which hide their face. Most of which hide absolutely nothing and its beautiful.

So with a plan to use her as a bargaining chip. Our infected group is ready to head out and seek glory. But alas, the dream is cut short! Mutants attack, or as the infected call them, Marauders. Someones dad acted as an infected is killed when a marauder noms on his face. So Shark tank girl makes her escape out into the dangerous woods. While someones mom and the lead infected guy take off after her swearing revenge.

This is our final act of the film and what a final act its going to be.

The infected group mentioned having a boat near the swamp water, and how they’d use that to escape as its too dangerous to travel in the woods because of the marauders. So she heads to the ‘beach swamp’ looking for their boat. Which she thankfully finds! But also the infected find her. Well big doofus the leader informs mama infected to ready the boat for departure. The boat is a small paddle boat covered in reeds by the swamp of this small body of water we are saying is connected to the ‘ocean’. Again. Low budget at its best.

So mama states clearly how she believes this plan sucks balls and isn’t safe. But big doofus tells her to shut her pie hole and ready the boat. Which she does. But then gets attacked by a hand puppet infected mako shark. She dies hysterically and everyone reacts appropriately with mild shock. Our hero boldly declares no one is getting out of here alive. So naturally big doofus tells her “You mean YOUR not getting out of here alive.” He goes to shoot her but, off in the field. Comes our savior and the moment I laughed and clapped at the same time. A normal looking guy in old camo and war helmet. With a toy machine gun, and the best worst stock machine gun fire sound effect ever ripped off of youtube. It’s a thing of beauty and joy because the sound level on it is so poor and so quiet. It just makes the scene.

So big doofus is dead and Shark Tank lady Is safe!  Uncle Soldier tells her he has orders to take her to a base off Canadian waters, where the rest of humanity 130 people wait for her on a submarine to take her off the remote island she washed up on, and back to safety.

Soft music begins to play as Shark Tank girl leans over the railing off a stock sub traveling through the water. She stares at her hand which is now dribbling goo blood. Which means she is now among the infected. She sadly states “It really is all over” and with the grace of Rose on the back of the research vessel parked over the remains of the Titanic, dropping the Heart of the Sea into the ocean. So does Shark Tank girl, lower humanities last hope for survival off the edge of the sub and down into the water. Where she then also throws herself off over the railing.

The last shot we get in our beautiful film. Is off a cgi shark charging toward the squeeze bottle with the cure and devouring it.

The end.

This was. A journey.

I reclaimed my humanity and faith in shit films being able to entertain me and not question my life choices. We had an actual fun beginning to end adventure, in a very tightly edited and perfect run time approved low budget movie. It was everything you would want and more in a film of this breed.

This is why I started this journey. To find films like this.

In the world of low budget and bad movies. You have groups that look for what they always call ‘So bad its good” and hype those things to no end, but they rarely ever are good. They’re most commonly just bad.

This however falls under the category of low budget fun. It never mocks itself, or tries to show itself off. It knows what it is. The people who made it knew what they were wanting it to be, they obviously had a love for the genre and made the best of what they had. You can tell the people behind it had fun with the project. Mostly because it didn’t feel like someone trying. You know?

I won’t discuss Shark Huntress or use it as an example. But lets look at something Tommy Wiseau puked out. No not the room because that is just something that needs to go away for 10 years and come back. I’m talking about his attempted comedy sitcom The Neighbors.

The Room succeeded as a so bad its good film, because he made an honest attempt at a serious film and it backfired. So he decided to call it a dark comedy and marketed the film as such. When he decided to make The Neighbors, he went full comedy. So he began putting on wigs, outrageous outfits, accents, and purposely silly lines and scenes that he felt would be great comedy. It wasn’t. It was a painful god awful experience. Which I not only own, but have autographed by Tommy as well. I am not proud of this fact. But the series shows what happens when you try to make something purposely bad and funny. Thinking it’ll give you what you got purely by accident the first time around.

A lot of filmmakers do this. They feel because they watched and rented tons of trash movies and went to a few hours of film school, that they know how to make the perfect ‘grindhouse’ or B movie. However they also want to show they have some skills too, and if they’re trying to get in good with a lead actress. They’ll write scenes just for them to deliver scenes that are supposed to showcase their skill. They rarely ever work out. In front of and behind the camera.

When you force a thing to be something. It always has the opposite effect, and you’ll bore your audience. Movies even at 78 minutes will feel like they’ve been on forever. Because you are forcing a square peg into a circular hole.

But making something and having fun with the idea. Finding ways to make it work and having the right attitude. Not looking to shine one star out of a handful of others. Just trying to tell a story. It works far more than it fails. This movie is genuinely entertaining and fun.

This movie also had hand puppet sharks. Rubber toy sharks. CGI sharks, and Sharks with really bad effects pasted over them, or glued to them. But it works in a way that entertains you.

Even the infected makeup. When Glasses science lady gets infected and turns zombie goo girl. You can tell these people used a spirit Halloween makeup kit with a few added steps past the ghoul zombie makeup. It’s not the greatest by far. But it works well and you can laugh but also say “Alright, sure lets do this”.

Because you’re invested in the film.

The idea, the tile, a lot of it? Is indeed stupid. But it’s the right kind of stupid you can be entertained by and want to finish watching. Instead of regretting picking up and turn of halfway through, or get up and get another snack not caring how long it takes because it saves you falling asleep on the couch during your movie night with friends.

I mean I am still taken back by the fact this was directed by a Polonia brother. If you don’t know who they are, you will soon. Believe me. We’ll get more into that in further detail when we watch a film not only directed by but, produced and given their companies stamp of approval. If ever you wanted to venture out and make a film, but were too afraid it’d cost too much and fail? These guys, like Troma. Have been around for years making films off of no budget and still getting them released. Somehow. This film was a serious surprise. And it only cost $182 dollars.

I think I’d even go so far as to say this film, even though I really enjoyed the hell out of it and had a lot of fun? I wouldn’t want it to be any longer than it was. Sure you could flesh out some story bits. But it didn’t need it. I mean the ending was bleak, and it could’ve used a bit more if they did a different ending. But still it worked perfectly. Every bit of it felt like it had a purpose and place. That’s really rare in some of these films because sometimes scenes just end and your left wondering ‘wait what? Why! Go back!” or some scenes just go on forever and you pray for the sweet release of death or a dump that’ll take 10 minutes to birth out.

So absolutely a film like this you should check out and most definitely bring to a movie night with friends. The best compliment I could honestly praise on this film? It feels like a Red Letter Media film, without the humor. Which should indeed by high praise. If you’ve never seen Feeding Frenzy or Space Cop, you need to do so right now. You’ll get what I’m saying even more so and appreciate this.

Its free on Amazon and I would honestly pay to own this if it directly supported the people making it. Now if only the rest of the films that await us can be as entertaining as this. We will be on course for adventure and good times.

I may have taken a screenshot of the silver grabby hands holding the shark and made it a background on my phone. I did. I did.

PLEASE see this film and until tomorrow. Stay out of the water.