SHARK-A-THON BEGINS!! Day 1 Shark Huntress

Day 1 Shark Huntress

When you stare down the drive thru of a Taco Bell. You know what you’re getting yourself into. A night on the toilet with liquified waste vacating your body. But it always starts off with a somewhat delicious taste. Until you bring it home and realize it’s a horrible mess that you have to eat or throw out the money you spent on it.

Welcome to low budget no budget films, and in this case. Shark Month.

I love shark movies. I was very close to actually doing a podcast on shark movies. But according to someone who shall not be named. They didn’t feel there were a lot of movies on sharks to keep a podcast going. Well I found 30 free to stream shark movies and there were over a hundred more so we shall leave it at that.

But starting us off is a true treat for the bowl of shit films, and I mean that in full respect of this shit movie. Because make no mistake. The first film of this month long watch-a-long is indeed just that. There is nothing redeemable what so ever about this. So lets dive on in and witness the monstrosity that is…

Shark Huntress.

Tag line: She wants revenge…It wants blood.

Official synopsis A woman takes up her environmentalist mother’s Dave-and-Goliath battle after a lethal shark attack. As she ventures into remote areas-trailed by a blood-thirsty Great White-stakes rise, the death toll mounts…and she’s out for revenge!

If you offered me money to watch this movie. I would decline and tell you it’s my job, my lifes calling to watch this shit. If you watch it with me, you can question my life decisions freely.

This film. We will call it that.

Was shot with the help of drones, a beautiful island, and bikinis. With the aid of a script no one approved of, and any film company would be well within sane mindset to turn away.

It’s not pretty. It’s a bit below low budget, and falls more into the Neil Breen budget area.

We begin with a drone flying over lush trees and beautiful sandy beaches. A woman in an orange swimsuit lazily floating in the blue ocean when. Oh no. Shark attack. Yes its our characters mother. She died splashing casually screaming no, and blood filled the water. So we know she’s dead.

It’s a planned, almost done well setup and shot. But the fact the Great White lazily drifts over and goes from floating past her leg to suddenly mauling her midsection without ever seeing it happen. Well worse is out there. Believe me. We’ll get into those soon enough.

But lets not hate the film for the intro and death of the mom. Lets talk about her daughter.

Actually I lied. Before we get there, we have a news report to talk about. Trust me there is a lot to dissect in this film and ask yourself “Was this intentional? Or did they just not care”. There are a lot of those in this.

So a news report flashes on the screen, a woman appears in a black low cut dress which they likely wear for interviews and felt looks ‘news professional’, they begin reading from their script when, we discover on the audio. The place they recorded her part, apparently has birds. Lots of them. Because we hear a shit ton of squawking. Like to a point it overlaps her audio. Now this is something they could have edited. It’s not that difficult to do actually either. I even googled “remove bird squawking from video”. I got results.

Maybe the birds are part of it? Maybe the studio has an animal expert for a later segment, or they’re filming live out by some birds.

No. Its in a studio. There are no birds. This was audio recorded in a home with birds.

So, was it intentional? Or did they just not care? Something to ponder.

NOW, as for the daughter, our main character of focus. The driver of this shit storm of a story.

She is introduced to us, in her bra and panties. Is it for sex appeal? I guess if you are single and seeing women in a Hanez pack of underwear gets you going? Sure? Anyway her name is Sheila

It’s honestly the most real thing of the movie. She’s wearing a gray thin pajama top and polka dot high waist panties. Her hair and makeup of course is naturally perfect rolling out of bed and feeding her little puppers. But put your awkward boners away because she’s on a plane and headed to her mothers….place. Being picked up by her mothers friend/worker/drunkard Guru. Not to be confused with the Mandalorian’s Grogu.

So Grogu picks her up at the ‘airport’,  which introduces us to a more woke up world ready Sheila. Who has decided to take her perfectly fine straight hair, do it into two braids, and put on a jumper that divides her body in a very awkward place while showing off her thighs. This was a long flight, and her choice.

Grogu is, a character.

By that, I mean the actor was hired because he likely was a good friend of someones and they thought he was perfect for it. He is not. He has a cool long white beard and prescription sunglasses. His line deliveries are, as my favorite audio book Wizard People Dear Reader says “Dripping with the oil of Olivia”, Its hysterically bad and the scripts writing is coming off as a warning for you as to what is coming. For example.

Sheila: Does he have a name, an address?

Grogu: Well yes, and no.

Grogu: Your mother had a secret lap, that wasn’t really a secret. Because she made a video in front of the lab she dreamed of. But she had a real one in a secret location.

Grogu is going to have a lot to give us in this later on. So be ready. He is a precious gem. But not really. You need a glimmer of hope while drinking watching this, trust me.

So the pair drive off, or are being driven to a port. It’s implied that Grogu is driving and picked her up. But their scenes are all filmed in the back seat of a car. Choices were made.

Well we learn nothing from the exchange in the car. The tiny bit of dialogue I shared is the extent of their conversation, and exact depth of it too. Anything she ask about what her mother has been up too, what’s going on, is she banging anyone. Is all answered with “Well yes, and no. I guess possibly. She was very secretive but also open. Maybe you’ll get better answers once we get there.

I’ve written dialogue and it can be challenging. But it also can be better than what they did. But again. Not a fault. Just a small gripe. Thankfully it’s over quickly and we get our next set of character introductions in the form of peppy social media reporting Pam and fellow awkward activist Dean. Who both act like they have some serious history with Sheila. But Sheila acts awkwardly as she seems to question at times during the movie if its an actual film or porno.

As these people sail off to their destination we are greeted to some royalty free chill vibe music and more drone shots. Believe me, this film was shot 70% on drones. It also has limited microphones. I say microphones, because they don’t invest in boom mics. They mostly invest in worn mics and you can tell who is wearing the mic and who isn’t in a lot of scenes. Much like this one of them on their way to the lab. You can clearly hear Pam, but Dean is inaudible. I even put headphones on and the guys lines were drowned out by proximity to the microphone as well as, and more than likely. Editing to take out the sound of the water, wind, and engine directly behind them. The same goes for Grogu and Sheila. During their back and forth you can hear Grogu clearly despite his nearly drunk slurring, and Sheila is wise enough to move closer when responding to him. But still her voice fades in and out. BUT WHO CARES!!

Is it important? Do we learn anything? Just more gems from Grogu. “I do not know if your mother is okay, I have a sixth sense for these things and…I just don’t know” “There’s not a starbucks in sight where we’re going, I’d like to apologize, sometimes my mind and my mouth aren’t always in sync” “I just don’t trust anybody, I have been hurt too many times”

We also get the feeling Dean might care for Sheila. We know this because he decides to move from his seat over to sit beside her and says “Are you okay?” She nods. They both awkwardly stare at each other for several very. Very. Very long moments until she looks away off to the water, and he follows by looking off in the opposite direction. It’s supposed to convey feelings! HE CARES DAMNIT!! His absolute lack of any emotion on his face and her vacant stare display this perfectly. It’s like goddamn Romeo and Juliet on the fucking screen and we are mere peasants among these gods of the screen.

It's not even painful, its just really awkward.

So we need some fun in this movie, and that fun comes in the form of victim number two. A nameless young girl paddling out in a lagoon. OF DEATH!!

Yes she’s innocently paddling along on her wind board and suddenly a fin comes into view. Floats beside her and she casually screams while staring at the guy in the water with the fin. Before her raft is tipped over and we can just catch site of the hand tipping her raft. Yeah she’s dead. We know because she’s bobbing up and down in the water, the water is red, and she dies without a scream or cry. Remember JAWS? They never showed you the shark because it wasn’t working 85% of the time. But it worked to their benefit by not showing you the shark, just the gore. Every filmmaker has attempted doing this and this film just fails poorly. The music, even when in terror mode. Is more of a creepy low-fi chill. So you actually are kind of relaxed during the kills.

Well our thrills a minute feature has decided to relax a bit and bring everyone to a bar for drinks and relaxation. Which doesn’t happen, at all. Because our new friend of this group, Luca. Not to be confussed with caveman University student Bob Maluca Luca Luca Luca Luca Luca. Well Luca is making idle chat with the bartender who tell shim about a great white shark attack that happened yesterday, killing an unidentified woman. This is enough to alert Luca and bring the news to the group. “Hey you guys, a woman was killed here yesterday by a great white”, So now the group turns full on scooby doo and social media queen Pam is already firing up the processors on her phone. She’s seriously tapping and scrolling on that thing in a flurry of motion like Al on his handheld decide on Quantum Leap. She learns from her google search the shark attack victim is, and be ready for this. “An unidentified white female in their 40’s, no body has been recovered or found.” So Sheila tells Grogu and the others “Lets contact the police. Maybe that can tell us if it is her.” But Pam is updating this Fox news story as now it goes from no recovered or found body to, “The body has been found, but not returned to authorities”

Apparently the shark did not receive an invoice from authorities asking to take possession of her remains? I don’t….I. So anyway.

Grogu and Sheila take off the next morning for a truly beautifully written and performed scene. Where Grogu informs a woman “We are here about the shark attack victim, we believe it could be her mother, I have a sixth sense about these things and, I have a bad feeling about this.” Thank you Grogu.

But he isn’t done yet. I told you this man is a gem on a soft turd. They arrive in a dulled out room for viewing the body. Sheila looks on her mothers body to identify it and she does her best to look sad, which looks painfully natural for her. But alas. No tears. She leans into Grogu to hide her dry eyes and Grogu, again with the oil of Olivia, tells us all “It’s the plastic people” Which gets no further comment or explanation on. Just, brilliant.

The plastic people.

Now, if you cry easily. Be ready with those tissues. Because Sheila gets a moment alone with her mother. Her face is not flush with painted tears, and her microphone is amplifying every sniffle and wet snot she produces. It’s like we’re right up her nose asshole and we’re getting a snot side view of nose ASMR.

Also I feel these people dressed themselves, or at least pray they did and that she wasn’t told to wear a think pink top that shows off her areolas in perfect detail. I wouldn’t. Shouldn’t mention it I know. But Grogu was filmed noticing it. You can actually see him shift his eyes down to her chest and he, for no reason other than his mic was close enough to pick up hearing it, he snickered. And looked off to the side. Sheila looked over to him puzzled about this. If you watch this movie. You’ll see it, and you’ll know…you’ll know.

But we aren’t here for that. We are here to prepare for the second best acting moment in the movie. The group is now bonding over the dead moms legacy. Drinking by a fire on the beach. Grogu is red face actual drunk. He freestyled his lines. I’m not joking. Having acted, done voice acting with a live cast, and having to edit through recordings. You can tell moments when someone is reading their lines, and suddenly realizes ‘oh shit, I missed a line, fuck I’ll just quickly toss it in there even if its out of place’. Usually…USUALLY. They say ‘can we do that again?” and you rerecord. But no. This was a one shot one take film. Pluss Grogu is drunk as fuck and this is likely the best they’ll get out of him. Believe me he has some great drunk moments later on that prove this.

We also get a clinically dead romance scene between Dean and Sheila. We learn that these two had a bonding moment one year. For Sheila, it was a fling, a summer thing. For Dean it was something he’s romantically jerked off too many nights. Sheila gets her moment with him to inform Dean that ‘Damnit, you know I am an animal lover, and I will do what I can to save them. That is the most important thing to me right now”, so Dean is pushed aside for now.

Usually with a film like this? You are thankful for the body count. Because whenever the threat is on screen. It saves us from the poor writing and acting. This movie wanted to show you they could do a story and character study, and environmentalist discussions, while also doing shark attacks.

Just a warning. All of this so far? Has only taken 20 minutes. Of an hour and 30 minute long film. Yeah. Let that sink in.

So the filmmakers either themselves decided they could either put in their environmental fight, or someone was banging someone involved in the movie and got them to agree to do the film if they included it. Because suddenly the movie decides this small detail is the hill it needs to focus on. So our dialogue goes from casual conversation. To sober Grogu spouting off copy pasted facts and figures on plastic killing more than big tobacco, and the true dangers of plastic on the world and all its creatures big and small. Which sounds as natural as a fun moment I had in Dungeons and Dragons playing as a group of kids who stumble on a mystery and relics and I said “Man was not meant to meddle in the affairs of the gods”, it was pretty deep for a 9 year old, and I laughed when the group stared at me and they all laughed as well thinking the same.

Yes Grogu is an activist, but the way he spouts off these lines is like forgetting your character in DnD or worse someone in a classroom going from reading a sentence they wrote, to reading copy pasted Wikipedia entries and pretending they wrote it.

So the group has determined that cleaning the world of plastic and healing the environment will save them all and stop great whites from attacking people like her mother for no reason. But that’s a side plot. At least now it is because the director is shifting gears and reminding us there’s more….under the surface. HA Shark puns.

But yeah. Sheila and Dean go off to a surf shop to ask about gear rented out and mentions her mom. The guy barely helps them so they leave. Once they leave though. The second greatest character actor of this generation makes a phone call to an unseen entity to alert them that some girl, likely the daughter of the mother who was killed and doing lab experiments from a secret but real lab was asking questions and she might find answers. Answers which they want to keep hidden.

She also bought up all the water charts the guy had. So they can….god how to do this.

They are scooby dooing this shit.

Literally.

We find Pam and Sheila on a bed together, a bed covered in these charts, and Sheila on an ungodly old personalized mac. For those paying attention. This film was made in 2021. She’s using a mac from the early 2000’s.

Pam is now super activist hacker lady. We know this because she’s on the bed looking super serious about what she’s doing and makes the complicated computer speak line of “I wish we had more processing power”, to which Sheila the not so tech savvy, and apparently computer illiterate activist replies “Would my, cellphone help?” To which Pam waves her off. But Huzzah! A breakthrough. Pam has finished running her simulations on the laptop.

What simulations you ask? Well.She imputed the data from those charts onto her laptop, then began running a computer simulation based on tide, wind variations, water flow and time of day. Where the mothers body could’ve been when it was attacked before being found. That’s the power of science people.

The only thing important in this scene. Is the movies continuing trend to just say something for no reason. Other than thinking its funny. Forgetting that it had no setup. Just awkwardly flinging things out there and assuming it’d make sense to someone out there.

Once the girls are done with simulations and acts of science. Sheila declares “Okay well, lets leave it there and assemble the troops” Pam sighs and smiles stating the following, be ready to hold your sides, “I am famished! You know what consumes more calories than sleeping? Boom chica bow wow haha” which she says with full shoulder shaking each wow wow. Sheila gives an honest, sincere wtf awkward face while forcing herself to act and remember this is a film so I am supposed to chuckle and look shy like “Yeah I get it haha”, Even Pam looks ashamed after having said it.

Again not joking. These two look like they were told what to say, did not want to do it, argued it was stupid and no girl would say that or find it funny. But they were told to do it so they did with as little enthusiasm as possible.

It’s both sad, and hilarious. Adventures in filmmaking. Also another. Did they not edit their reactions on purpose? Or did they not care.

Well moving on these people want to add to that mystery of do they care or not. Because they are showing off their editing skills. The girls or at least one of, are going to be taking scuba diving classes. So we need a montage right? Well the best your getting from these people is the most amazing montage you could ever hope to have imagined.

Sure they could have done a montage of multiple shots, lessons and attempts at diving. That’d be easy enough but it’s been done to death. So why not in stead of showing you 9 different scenes…they just fill the screen with 9 different sized windows of scenes! Yeah. You get 9 default adobe size window layout on one screen which showcase the teacher giving lessons, a swimming pool, putting on gear. Feet walking with flippers. Talking to divers. Diving in the ocean, and performing gear checks.

And just like that she is now certified  and ready to scuba dive. Go Sheila.

So the group now has a mission. Go investigate the sites where her mom could have been attacked and…look for. Shark signs? They weren’t that specific. And I believe I’m sober enough to still follow this.

Grogu takes this moment to again throw out awkward dialogue. Actually him and Sheila kind of repeat lines.

First Grogu tells everyone, “Make sure you don’t tell anyone what it is we’re doing out there okay?” Which Shiela repeats the exact same thing without further reason or explanation. But Grogu ends the scene for us by saying “I can’t even swim, and be careful of those underwater sea aliens out there.”

So Sheila and Dean are off for their last day of scuba certification. Time is a metaphor in this movie. You never know when it’s a full day or half a day. So we go with it. They are doing this, while their ‘team’ is out doing shark work. Well the guy who ran the shop who called the mystery person about Sheila. He also is doing the training for her scuba stuff. But he isn’t. His character is, and the earlier mentioned montage has an actual scuba teacher teaching her. It’s called film value. Film what you can and find a place for it in the movie. Well Sheila has done well with her training so far. Until she isn’t! Suddenly she pictures in her mind the great white that killed her mom. Which she then pictures the great white that killed her mom, killing her mom. So she has a panic attack in the middle of her imagined shark mom killing PTSD. So Dean heroically jumps from the friendzone into the pool and carries her to the shallow end of the pool. The ‘teacher’ stand above them grinning, so Dean reasonably ask him “Why did you do nothing.” To which he replies “You know, it’s a real world scenario. And as you see, she is okay.” Sheila makes sense of this so, good on Sheila? She gives Dean a thumbs up indicating “I am okay to continue”, but this isn’t good enough for Dean. So he gets out of the water and unbelievably one punch knocks out the bad instructor man. Because nothing gets a woman wetter than a man acting out in violence against another. Apparently.

Now I know this high comedy is still splitting your sides most likely. But get ready. Because we have a wonderful scene in coming, and another case of did they notice? Or not care.

Our absolute legend of a character Grogu is roaming the beach and comes across a local ‘native’ of the island who is picking up plastic on the beach. Which the beach is absolutely sand to shore covered in trash. So Grogu and the movie stop for a PSA about cleaning up the environment. He stops and shakes the mans hand, thanking him for cleaning up the beach. The man spouts off about the need to use social media to educate the masses, and how important it is that we all do our part and clean the beach, save the world and save the ocean. Grogu applauds his actions but he himself does not pick up one goddamn piece of plastic. He’s on a mission.

Well trashcan man decides picking up trash on the beach isn’t enough. So walks off into the water. Because the water has dozens and I mean dozens of plastic bags and of all things, the one thing Grogu told Sheila she wouldn’t find. Starbucks cups in the water! It’s hysterical and just bad. This guy is destined to die a hero, and you can see the coffee cups came from set because one has someones name on it and, he accidentally begins emptying the coffee into the water. Hold the salted caramel jokes. Of course he runs into the shark. He flails with more conviction than the previous two ladies, because he likely wanted to attempt acting.

Well Grogu even though the man died about 50 yards away from him, did not hear his struggling and screaming. But that’s fine. Because Grogu finds the man has now suddenly washed up dead on the beach, the comedy gold doesn’t stop flowing with the trash death ladies and gentlemen. Oh no it keeps going. Because the director decided to use a cheap trick. Which almost would’ve worked, if they just cared a bit more.

The actor was laid on his stomach, and a hole dug out in the sand to bury his right leg. As to give the appearance that his leg had been bitten off and he bled out, dying on the sand.

There is no blood on the beach anywhere around him. Nor on his clothes. He was already in shorts which made this easier to do. They did not bury his leg deep enough and you can tell this, as you see the heel of his foot in the shot. Because it wasn’t buried deep enough, the waves were washing away the sand. Giving us a very clean shiny heel sticking out of the sand. There’s also no flesh wound or anything to indicate he had a wound. Just a buried leg in the sand. Did they not notice this? Did they not care? Because its there, and it could’ve been done better, Little touches would’ve helped it look a bit more convincing. Hell they could’ve tossed some trash on his leg or blood on the shirt, maybe shorts. But if these people came dressed in their own clothes, understandably they may not want them stained so…it is what it is.

Well this got to Grogu. As we will soon learn. He was seeing fleeing the scene, we can only assume to tell the cops, someone.

We cut suddenly now to night time, and Grogu is with his costar Mr. Vodka at a table. Just as Pam and Luca are returning. He ask them if they had any luck, which they did not. When asked if Grogu had any luck. He continues his amazing streak of answers. “I saw some kinda sea alien…space alien…shark attack victim, a dead body on the beach. But you know what? Whatever it is…it’s not gonna get me ‘cause I know better.”

I swear this man, this script. In the words of Mr. Lahey. Let the liquor do the talking.

So we are gearing up for a powerful character moment here. Which is not deserved or earned in any way shape or form as this whole damn movie is a mess of events randomly happening and so loosely connected its not even sheer fucking luck that binds them together so much as it it happenstance. If even that.

We have a bar as the setting. A showdown is going to take place between secretive lunatic Grogu and Sheila. Who really has the thinnest character, but they try to give weight to her, with no backing what so ever. Assuming the mother plot is what puts her in this position.

We have another scene of clear audio vs bad audio. Worn mic vs boom mic. The scenes with Grogu are cleaned up and fairly clear. The scenes with Sheila are hollow and you pickup the ceiling fan inside the bar.

Dean starts things off by asking Grogu “What are you drinking? You smell like disinfectant.” Well aside the fact he has a bottle of Smirnoff vodka in front of him they hide the label because you don’t want to face charges for a product in the film when you didn’t pay the rights or notify them. But Grogu laughs and insist he drank for two days without food, and spent who knows how many days searching for the lab and shark sign. Pam grumbles to Sheila that “he found a dead body.”, prepare yourselves. For his response. I give unto thee.

“Well, it was a dead body, but I don’t…maybe it was the sea aliens….or maybe it was a shark. I don’t know, its yeah. It was a dead body” ~Grogu, drunken legend

Well Sheila is done with Grogu. She tells him that he knows nothing. That “I am tired of your sea aliens, your plastic men. I am tired of your conspiracy theories. You’re a child believing in goblins and fairies. We are better off without your words and wisdom.” Grogu clears the phlegm from years of smoking out of his throat and tosses out for good measure, “You all….better…GET OUTTAAAAA…heeeeeere. I know things!” He taps his chest mightily. Which answers for all of us who was wearing the microphone. Because every tap his finger gives to his shirt we hear a loud muffled “THUMP THUMP THUMP”. Did they- okay at this point its clear they didn’t care.

So what does Grogu know?

Well that’s the kicker.

He tells the team, “I know where the lab is”.

They had a whole montage about training to dive and find the lab. Built simulations in an ancient computer to plot out where the lab might be at. Went out on a full two day search for this lab. And he knew where it was the whole time. Does he explain why he didn’t tell them? No. Do they ask him why he withheld that? No.

But Sheila shoves him hard and after a distorted mic noise. Grogu stumbles back and we hear…well not a body falling or table falling. We hear what sounds like someone almost tripping and the moving of equipment in a very quiet background.

Apparently this resolves everything because Grogu is laid out in a bed being tended to by the group and Grogu tells them where the lab is, which of course they had charts for in the simulation. Sheila stands before the lounging group and declares her heroes moment. “I am going to that island lab, who’s with me.” So of course the fellowship offers up their expertise and reasons why she will need them. So of all fucking people. Grogu raises his hand and says “Well I’m going, you’ll need my paranoia. But its not paranoia when it’s proven.” Oh that guy. God help me this fucking movie still has 40 minutes to go.

The music changes to let us know it’s time to get serious. Sheila moves over to a couch and studies a spear gun, examining the shark killing weapon she shall use to avenge her mother. And now. We are off. To the island, and I pray to the gods, both the old and the new that this thing is almost done.

Of course this doesn’t mean we aren’t going to stop getting wtf scenes. Pam excitedly declares ‘Oh my god guys look at these mushrooms, they look so cool, I’m going to take a picture.” She goes to take a picture with her phone and Grogu throws her aside “STAY BACK!! Those are deadly poisonous mushrooms! They…they’d kill an elephant. Don’t eat them! I’m sorry, but I had to save your life, you were in danger, are you okay?” Pam is heard crying and the group continues on.

Fuckin Pam was just looking at the damn things. She wasn’t doing a tiktok shroom challenge and shoving it in her mouth or down her cooch. But at least we know. Grogu serves a purpose. Apparently.

So the group finally finds the secret real lab. Camp Plastic.

Which makes zero sense. But what in this film should.

Well we need to tie up some loose ends and mysteries that were sort of mentioned but widely under utilized. Like the mystery man behind things, and the evil person or people that killed Sheilas mom, possibly. Enter Dr. Linenrose. The business partner of Sheila’s mother, and supposed love interest. Though if you ask Grogu for his wisdom on the subject. He has said earlier that ‘I guess they were an item some would say. Though he was not her type. But he didn’t see it that way. He thought they’d buy this secret lab and make this place their happily ever after.”

Which. Sure why not.

Well the group explores this lab and it’s determined by Pam the hacker, that this place has zero net, but she’ll put up a satellite and that’ll give them signal.

Pam apparently also can setup satellites remotely and with no gear.

Meanwhile Sheila and Dean discover a trashed room, a mac laptop which looks oddly similar to Pams, and a destroyed hard drive. Pam, with the aid of her super large magnifying glass determine there is a 50/50 chance she can get info off the drive.

But not before Dr. Linenrose makes an appearance and laya down his side of the story. What is his side of the story?

Oddly enough, confirming some of Grogu’s bullshit. He tells the group “I wasn’t the one responsibly for her death! It was….the plastic people.”

So apparently. And this is taking a lot to piece together.

Sheilas mom, was working on a plastic alternative. Made off of seaweed, that would be as effective if not more so than plastic and vastly less harmful to the environment, and much more affordable. So because of this, and her successful near breakthrough in research and testing. “Big Plastic” apparently decided she needed to be rubbed out. So according to Dr. Linenrose, “Your mom went swimming every night. There hasn’t been a shark in these waters for years. The plastic people dropped that shark here to kill her!”

How the writer. Director. This fucking movie can walk around in regular pants with balls that big. Is astounding. But here we all are.

Big plastic is killing people with sharks they drop off as assassins.

Well enough with the plot. It’s now time for shark action.

Grogu looks outside and very loudly alerts “SHARK!”, like he does it in a way that’d make sense if you were in the water but not on land away from the damn thing.

So the group runs outside to look, they all see the dorsal fin of the shark. Grogu declares in all certainty that this is indeed a great white. Because its gray fin blends into the gray blue…of the water, and is invisible when…looking down at it.

Soooo anyway….

Sheila makes another heroes stand and has made a decision “My mother was right. Going global is the only way to stay safe. Pom try your idea with the antenna, and lets launch a global campaign with GPS coordinates of this lagoon and a shark warning. And let the hunters sort it out.”

If you can make sense of that. Blessings upon you and your family.

If you made sense of it while sober. Even higher blessings.

So if big plastic…is behind this. Which apparently she is willing to buy into because, yolo why not? The only way to assure survival and preserving her mothers work, while keeping them safe. Is to go global with her mothers studies and lab work. Share it with the world. So big plastic can’t cover it up.

Well after this is said aloud to the group to act upon, Dr. Linenrose tells Sheila NO! Don’t do that!” So without any further word on the subject Grogu decides its clobbering time and punches Linenrose. Taking off with him. Leading to another comical moment to add ontop of the wtfness going on. Pam lets Sheila know “Don’t worry, I got everything on camera.” Which she didn’t. She literally pulls her camera phone out as the doctor is walking off. But Sheila? Sheila does not care. She hears only the cries of her ancestors in her blood, calling out for her. At least that’s what I’m going with, because after Pam’s remark about recording everything. Sheila stares off into nothingness and declares “No one wanders alone into the jungle.”

Follow that up with her plan. Which, we’ll need some help with in the form of booze or green smoke. 

In fact lets all take a break to discuss this now. Because this film is trying way to hard to build up something far too late.

Typically in a film. You use the first act to setup characters and the basis of your films story. You then use the second act to expand these characters and the story. What they need to do. Setup how they get to the third act of the film. The resolve and payoff. That’s how you get to your Ah-ha! Moments and  the pa offs for events you set up earlier.

You don’t add plot points and a story at the end of your film.

You can setup an event sure why not. But to suddenly realize oh shit, we never resolved this, we never dug that deep earlier into the main background plot of the film. Shit we need to resolve what the mom was actually working on. So you move on to the final act of your film. Not pile on a bunch of answers and resolves to things you half assedly set up and felt were important but didn’t bother to give anything for your audience to latch onto to care.

But here we are. Now told this is what happened and why. Whatever the plan was you setup is now obsolete because this is now the new course.

There is a shark killing people. Who cares find my mom. Moms dead. Okay find the lab. We found the lab. Okay make her research free to the world because big plastic is trying to kill her. But wait, lets kill the shark because I want revenge, and preserve my mothers research. Okay lets kill the shark.

Make your damn mind up and just stop.

Speaking of stopping. Pam sets up her antanna, so yay they can look at her findings on the laptop and the broken hard drive. “Well hard drive isn’t showing anything because….NSA, CIA are blocking their access now that a link is active and files are being accessed.

Luca decided “I am going to swim in the water, which we saw the shark swimming in. I will be safe. I just want to swim, and see if I can find the gel. The seaweed that produces the gel Sheila’s mom was working on, so we can find the garden bed it is growing in, and protect it.” Well he dies, by shark attack. Go figure.

Sheila restablishes her earlier statement on the need to kill the shark. So how will we do so?

Get ready because here it comes.

The films final act. And oh god is it ever a final act.

Sheila waits until everyone is asleep. She grabs a chunk of meat from a cooler. She takes the speargun and….finds the poisonous mushrooms which she…drags the tip over. To poison the spear. Because that’s how that works. She throws the meat into the water. The shark immediately eats it and lazily swims about. Sheila readies to fire. Since the spear gun doesn’t have a cocking mechanism. She tilts it forward so the line attached to the spear slides down and clinks. That’s close enough to a cocking sound for us. She readies to take a shot at the shot, while ankle deep in the water. She has a kill shot. She’s ready. But Dean shrieks out her name and grabs her. She shoots and misses the shark. Dean drags her and tosses her onto the sand, declaring he has saved her life and that “You are the smartest person I know, but that was the dumbest thing you could do.” Then, for no reason. And with the same enthusiasm you would have when friends take you to a vegan restaurant and expect you to try and eat the yeast starter. Sheila and Dean make out, and have sex on the beach.

She is now changed. Free because she had sex. We know this. Because suddenly she is no longer wearing her hair in braids. She’s wearing it straight down and perfectly straightened.

So the film isn’t done yet. We had to also resolve that not-romance and turn it into a romance.

We need to remember also, that there is a conspiracy afoot. So someone has to die. Right? Right. So who?

Well the only one who could possibly be killed, because they were loveable and relatable to the audience. Grogu.

He awkwardly tells the group “I need to walk along the beach, go clear my head of all this craziness.” 5 minutes later Dean is concerned and goes out looking for him. He returns with a bloody sandal and Grogu is no longer with us.

So what do we do for fun with our legend gone?

Why we film the movie in a residential beach neighborhood of course.

Sheila and Dean have a lovers quarrel. Sheila wants to stay behind and secure her mothers lab, and her research. While also killing the shark, and also reporting the bodies of the dead. And also writing out her own will since her mother passed the lab into her and Grogu told her before he died that she will be killed and this lab taken unless she makes a will and leaves it to a green company to ensure it doesn’t get into the hands of big plastic.

Dean does not want this. He wants them all to leave as soon as they can together. She pouts and tells Dean “I was wrong, you were a summer fling after all.” And they walk off angry.

This is a very emotional scene. Which isn’t because these two are vapid blackholes of emotionless souls. It’s also filmed very very noticeably in a residential area on a beach front property. We know this. Because we go from an island no one can get too and is uninhabited. To a backyard with a white fence, parked car, covered boat, and truck

Until they meet back up at the shack and they are back to being a couple, because they will work together to send out a signal and get help, and send out her mothers formula so they can save the planet and destroy big plastic.

Well. Dean and Sheila head out to repair the antenna so Pam can do her magic. But as they do. They discover the antenna is broken! Which could only mean Dr. Linenrose is evil and did this. They then hear a….hold on.

This is the FINAL final act of the film. For reals. So I am going to ask you to pay close attention. Because if the rest didn’t make sense, barely had your mind going. This is going to just…blow your pants off.

As Dean and Sheila are outside and discover the treachery of the fiendish Doctor Linenrose. They announce they should head back to the shack to Pam. As they do, they suddenly hear a gun shot go off! From…the shack!!

As the new couple race off for the shack, we see on the floor. The body of Pam. The two are immediately shaken to the core. And out from the nearby door way. Dr. Linenrose pops out, holding a .22 revolver. He tells Dean to drop the speargun, and for both of them to head outside to the dock. As the two head out. Linenrose tells us of his plan. He had documents ready for Sheila to sign over ownership of the lab to him!. How did he know her mother left the lab to him? Because her mom told him. So he killed her! He waited for them to arrive at the island before killing her as well. But ONLY after she would sign over ownership of the lab to him.

So Sheila tells him ‘If I am going to sign this. I will need a pen. The evil mastermind Dr. Linenrose realizes, oh. She’s right. So he goes hunting his outfit for a pen and Huzzah! Sheila attacks! Grabbing his pen hand, and dean wrestles the gun hand. Then Sheila takes the pen and stabs him in the chest with the unholy sharp killer pen, and Dean wrestles the gun away from him. The couple shove Linenrose into the water and soon it turns blood red, and his body sinks into the ocean…and we’ll assume the shark eats him. As the couple watch the body vanish. Dean looks over to Sheila, and puts an arm around her. And Sheila leans into him.

Then. Out of nowhere. Without explanation, let along any fucking reaction. Pam slowly walks out. Not stumbles out, not nursing a wound, not limping or bleeding. Just walks out. Stands beside Sheila. The three friends hold hands, declare they have…..brought peace to the world. And the film ends.

Jesus

Wept

This film. Was a pain. I normally don’t mind horrible films, low and super low AND no budget films. But this was just weird. Weird and odd. Odd and horrible. Horrible and nonsensical.

Nothing made sense. Usually even with shit films, they can make sense. To some degree. If you look at it purely as pin points, it makes sense. Slightly.

Daughters mother dies under mysterious circumstances.

Investigates death.

Discovers secret lab and lover

Lover killed mother and blamed shark for death.

Daughter avenges mother and clears shark of murder.

Its still not a good idea. But sure yeah. You could make something of it. Why not.

So the problem comes when you take an idea. You workout the main points you wanted to feature. The shark fakeout. Where it looks like the shark is the villain. It’s sold as a killer shark film. But the twist is that it’s not. People just die because the shark is there, but the shark(aka nature) isn’t the villain. The real villain is big plastic. Because its an environmental list film disguised as a killer shark film.

On top of this. You have an idea. Now you have to write out a script for that idea. You discover sometimes during writing that, your idea. Even though maybe cool sounding. Doesn’t have weight to carry a film. Like you can only write so much before you reach the point of, I don’t know where to go from here, or how to get to the awesome ending. Usually that’s when you enter rewrites, you restructure the story and fine tune the idea.

Not here, no. They stuck with it, put in plot points. Moments you’d expect in a story, without the build up or setup to those moments. And expect it to still work in the end.

Her mother is killed and no one knows how, we are shown it was a shark

Okay so Sheila investigates. They discover it was a shark attack.

Now they need to find her mothers lab.

Why? Why is this now the thing we need to do? Okay it was where she died, so lets find it and investigate. Okay sure.

Mothers partner/lover killed her so he could take over the lab and profit off it.

When was this setup? Why is he watching them in town if he needs the daughters signature to get the lab from her. Wouldn’t he want her to be at the lab to sign the papers? Or confront her and force her to sign before then?

None of it is setup what so ever. The closest we get to Linenrose being evil? Is Grogu telling us that he had a feeling about the guy, and he doesn’t like him. That’s it. The movie just very casually has Sheila investigating, making her next choice based off of Grogu’s conspiracy bullshit yoda like sentences. Or sometimes off NO basis what so ever. She just does a thing and it’s the right thing so we’re doing it now. Then its revealed this was of course how things were supposed to happen because, of course they would.

No. That doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t work.

I watched this movie 3 times now. 3 goddamn times. I forced myself to pay attention to this start to finish and it never. Ever. Even comes close. To making sense.

It’s not that it is lazy. It’s just poorly done.

It all comes down to the simplest solution. It was a piss poor idea. It was poorly written. Shot on the cheap by under experienced people. Acted out by a mix of people with small role experience, or no experience, or someone who knew someone involved in the making of the film.

Like seriously Sheila a lot of the time comes off like a cross between Tommy Wiseau, and McKenzie Grimmet from The Last Vampire on Earth. She has no emotional range, no acting skill, even on a basic level. No one really does for that matter.

But worse, and why I believe my theory is correct on the dating crew part. But, also more on the director being a sleazebag. Is how these women were shot.

Every shot of Sheila we get. Excluding her in pajama top and panties. Showcases her thighs, breast, and ass. The camera panned down a lot of times for no reason. To show her ass. It did the same showing her breast too. Shots lingering on her thighs. It’s just, eye brow raising. But then we get the same with pam too. Especially toward the end. Where the camera decides we need to have her up on the roof via a ladder. Bent over pushing her ass out. So we need to circle around it and focus on her ass. Ending with an up short shot on the dock where you get a panty shot from Sheila. It’s just weird and. Either you do it cuz your horning after the actresses, or. Well no. We’ll go with that. It’s really distracting. Which says a lot in a movie where you already feel like you are in a waking fever dream staring at the abyss before the drop down into hell.

There are other films that do the twist ending. Where you thought you knew who the monster was, but turns out it wasn’t. In big and low budget films. It’s nothing new. But it is something noteworthy when you fuck it up to such a degree you find yourself more entertained with filmmaking mistakes.

The editing, the lack of editing. The audio, the failed effect shots, the poorly chosen and concealed shooting locations. The film looked like a small step above a student project. I would know. I’ve seen those project films and helped with them.

Some times it adds charm to a film. It adds something to them and makes it a fun watch. But when your movie has nothing to offer anyone but the sweet release of eventual death and the promise the film may end before that moment. Yeah.

3 times people.

I watched this movie three times. And that was just to make sure I got the story.

3 viewings and I still can’t make sense of it. I have watched over 150 Nic Cage films with my sister on our past podcast, and those things made more sense than this film did. Don’t watch it. Don’t even post a review for it on Amazon Prime. Yes the movie is free there. Yes you could watch it, and concur with me what I have stated. But I am honestly telling you. Grabbing your shoulders with consent and staring at you with strong facial emotions. Do not watch this movie.

At the same time.

This is the first of 30 shark films. All chosen for being free to watch, and being of poor quality. If this film is a sign of what is to come in those days ahead of us. May god help us all.

May god help us all.