SCORETOBER!!!! Day 17 House of 1,000 Corpses!!!

Day 17

House of 1000 Corpses

I was 23 when this came out, and 22 when I saw it. I remember exactly when I saw it and, that is a story for a ‘theoretical’ discussion on how I was able to watch it a year before it was released. Which we will not have. But we will say it was a film that excited myself, an ex of my sisters and it was one of two moments with that douche I actually got along with them.

For years Rob Zombie had been showing little clips and things he filmed, things he made for a project he kinda did but never completed and never fully got around too. He did bits and used props on his tours that made their way into this film. Basically if you went to see one of his super early shows? You had a preview of sorts for what would later become, House of 1000 Corpses.

When it was finished, there was no actual idea when or actually even if the film would see the light of day.

But, somehow. The film did get a ‘release’ so to say, online. Theoretically. And supposedly based on part from that reaction it did see an eventual release.

Honestly the best memory I can give you of this film involves my sister, whom I love and respect no matter how many times we end up under a bus.

We were headed to California to see our grandparents on my dads side, I had gotten a new fangled laptop that could play DVDs in it, and I was going to split my headphones with my sister so we could watch the actual DVD that came out, which I did purchase, and still have. Actually.

I was readying the laptop on our flight, expecting a static menu, my sister had turned the volume up as she couldn’t hear anything.

For those of you who don’t know? Me and my sister are a combination when we are together of part Beavis and Butthead, and part Meatwad and Mastershake.

I hadn’t plugged the headphones in yet and told her this, but she still said she didn’t hear anything. The dvd was put in and the menu loaded up. It was my first time ever watching the dvd. Also a first for discovering the movie came with a custom DVD menu. Which everyone on the plane got to hear as I hadn’t put the headphones in yet. To the delight of every passenger on the plane, Captain Spaulding’s voice rang out with the epic line “Well, shit the bed.”

We both froze and in a panic began to jab the headphones into the port and politely ignore all the looks we got. We enjoyed the movie and that story provided a good deal of entertainment for us, for a long time.

The movie is, an experience. To say the least, and somehow put it mildly. It’s the first in what would become a trilogy, and I sometimes feel it didn’t need to be, but alas.

So here we go, my first time getting to review and talk about a movie I used to think was the shit when I was 22, and now 20 years later, I’m watching it for the first time in ages. I dug through my blu-rays to find it assuming I’d always owned it, and I was right, it also had never been unwrapped so. There is my proof I hadn’t watched this in ages lol.

Let us begin, and see if the movie holds up for me still.

The Film

Howdy folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well come on down to Captain Spaulding’s Museum of Monsters and Madmen! Featuring the captains famous Fried Chicken, also gasoline.

This sounds like the worst idea, and something only a movie would do. But our auto wreck yard? They had a stand outside they ran which. Yes. Sold their famous fried chicken.

Right off the bat, this entire place is a glimpse inside the mind of Rob Zombie. From the maniacal laughter, loudspeaker mumbling about their deals at the museum and gas station. It’s like an amusement ride at the carnival in Stockton where two of the girls working there were prostituting themselves while working there. It was a fun carnival. Story for another time.

So right off the bat we are getting into a whole mess of fast firing madness with not even a moment to wipe a fart from between your cheeks. We have an ageing Sheriff outside fueling up his car bringing us to one of the unspoken heroes of the film, a clown named Captain Spaulding, played by the great, immortal and forever loved Sig Haig, whom I instantly recognized from one of my favorite Corman films, Galaxy of Terror. He’s a true highlight in this film. Used in small enough doses he never wears out his welcome, and his character remained one of the absolute highlights with his blunt insanity and love of fucking with people.

He's joined by another great character actor Michael J. Pollard, playing a loveable guy who’s pretty okay with murder and clowns named Stucky. No relation to Stucky’s pizza.

Well these two are chatting about local gossip and the fact Stucky is peeved at the autograph he got of June Wilkinson, he’s upset because she wrote his name on the picture. He was hoping to trade it with his best friend for something else of equal value. His friend, as Spaulding elegantly put it is “That retard who hangs out at Molly’s fruit stand?”

The film takes place in 1977, it was a simpler time folks!

These two are talking calmly. I mention this because you should enjoy it while it last. Because quiet and calm is not something this movie does often, if at all.

Stucky needs to destroy Spauldings toilet, so he borrows the key, appropriately chained to a zombie hand flipping people off

Okay, this movie is still great, we’re not even that deep in it and I’m into it.

As Stucky takes off and the music suddenly turns hyper tense, two armed men stumble into Spaulding’s place of business. Intent on robbing the place because…a run down sideshow that looks out of service likely has tons of cash? Or it’s just something to do.

Well Spaulding could care less. When they point their guns and shout for him to put his hands up, he throws both hands up, both flipping them off. Again, I love this man.

He’s not about to begin negotiating what so ever with these guys. Their robbery is failing hard and it’s hilarious as they attempt to hold it together.

It only gets worse when one of the would be robbers pulls Stucky from the toilet, and be recognizes the mans voice.

This is the best introduction to Spaulding you could want by the way. It perfectly gives you all you need to know about his character. When the lead gunmen tells him he’s robbing the place, he tells him to fuck off and take some of his fried chicken home for his mom so he doesn’t have to shove his boot up the kids ass. Stucky begins remembering a song people made to mock the other gunmen and begins to sing it. Immediately upsetting and hurting the feelings of the tall chubby man.

Well the lead gunmen can’t take this any more. Everything is falling apart and he is not going to stand for any more joking around and mocking of his plans to rob the place. “I’m gonna splatter your grease paint face all over the goddamn wall if you don’t give me the cash by the count of ten”, as he begins counting, each number is met with grace and dignity by Spaulding “Fuck your mother!, Fuck your Sister!, Fuck your Grandma!” Before he can continue his counting, and further test Spauldings wit though. A lunatic weating clown over alls and an oversized clown head storms in holding an Axe, burying it into the side of the main robbers head. Spaulding immediately pulls out his own firearm and shoots the chubby slow minded second gunmen, immediately inhaling the gun smoke from barrel. All while the madman obviously Spaulding’s employee of the month laughs over and over like a draw string toy. Spaulding puts a clown shoe foot on one of the robbers and takes aim once more, “And most of all, fuck you!”

With that he fires. The screen goes black, we hear the laughter of the madman again and Spaulding caps it off with the best line, “Goddamn motherfucker got blood all over my best clown suit.”

I am back to remembering why I loved this film.

With that, we begin the madness of the opening credits. And trust me, it is absolute madness. Straight from Zombies shows, and sometimes wonderful mind. Do not look for anything in the credits to appear later in the film. It really is just absolute random music video images in amazing bands of color, while Zombie’s “House of 1000 Corpses’ song plays.

This is just 10 minutes in of a 2 hour trip, mind you.

So as for the rest of the movie, we are beginning that now, the main story of the movie. A group on a road trip argue over the fact no one cared to fill the tank with gas back when they had a chance. Cutting short their proposed plan of driving all night to their destination, or as close as they can. I remember those days and I kind of miss them. Now not so much. But I remember them as fun.

This one however is not going to be so fun. As the two in the car grumbling over gas, only to find salvation in a billboard advertising. You guessed it. Captain Spaulding’s Museum including fried chicken and gas. I win for his cheap friend who wants to see the freakshow fun, and a win for his nerdy friend just wanting not to get stuck on a road in the middle of the night.

Naturally our manly men pull over to the gas station just after Spaulding has changed out of his clown costume and cleaned the brains off the floor. The two decide after a quick glance around the place is interesting enough to wake their friends up in the back of the car. Their two lady friends. These people are destined for a wonderful adventure. An incredible night, WHICH also fits their purpose for their road trip. Apparently the two men, Jerry Goldsmith(Chris Hardwick) and his pal Bill Hudley(Rainn Wilson) are writing a book about American roadside attractions, all the weird, kooky, and obscene stuff you find while traveling the road. Which of course means the museum AND murder ride tour are just up their alley. Much to the shame of Denise Willis(Erin Daniels) and Mary Knowles(Jennifer Jostyn) as they were rather enjoying their sleep. And could’ve done without being woken for. Well. Fried chicken and gas.

So the two men laugh and write about all the various oddities and weirdness Spaulding has on display, Spaulding being his charming calm self after just having disposed of two bodies one of which he shot, twice. Which is even funnier considering he’s walking around in clown makeup still, out of his suit, wearing a shirt with a hot dog on it, and blue boxers with white polka dots. In clown shoes. And no one thinks for a moment to ask why.

Simpler times!!

Well Bill is questioning Spaulding in a mini interview, which. Honestly Spaulding could do without and finds Bill a pain in the ass given he just wont shut up and enjoy the fun of his museum.

Instead the kids have talked Spaulding into giving them a special ride on the famous murder ride. Well Spaulding is all too happy to accommodate their wishes. He even slips on a patriotic top hat and matching top coat. Hell the man even found pants!

It’s the most amazing ride you can imagine, and exactly what you’d expect of a homemade horror carnival ride. Complete with a roller coaster seating, pushed by our maniac from earlier in the oversized clown head. The damn thing isn’t even on a track. It’s just perfect.

The tour shows off several famous murderers local to the area, including the all time favorite Ed Gein, as well as Albert Fish, a little chopping from Lizzy and then the local town hero. S. Quentin Quale, aka Dr. Satan.

It’s the the most original name, or particularly crafty but. It works.

The man was a surgeon at the local mental hospital. He tortured and murdered many people he operated on. Believing that through primitive brain surgery, he could create a race of superhumans, from the mentally ill.

However the towns people pulled  Freddy Krueger on him and turned vigilante on the good doctor. Hanging him from a tree, which Spaulding points out to them is not too far from where they are right now.

Of course hearing this after the ride. Jerry pesters Spaulding to know exactly where the Dr Satan tree is.

Which of course makes sense when you are driving through a hard rain down a road at night you can’t see 3 feet in front of you.

Well our intrepid group drive through that rain naturally, despite the girls protest for them to just forget about the tree and continue on. But no. These men want to see the tree no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT!

They may not find the tree, but they do find a hitchhiker standing out in the rain under a small umbrella.

Now. Now we introduce everyone to Baby. Baby is played by the at one time very little known outside of appearing in Zombies music videos wife, Sheri Moon Zombie. This would be her first big role, because Zombie began his film career and began using her in every. Single. Film. He ever. Makes.

I think The Munsters is the only time we don’t see her ass crack or tits hanging out. Which makes that a mark on her record.

Oh she gets very naked in this. Zombie felt it’d be fun when introducing her to have little interview like skits done with dutch angles, weird filters and skipping audio. When the group meets Baby, she is bubble, fun loving and a free spirit. She’s asking for a ride to her house not far from there, They mention the hanging tree and ask if she knows about it. By absolute coincidence she lives just right beside it. So the group absolutely has no choice but to follow her directions now.

This is the point where, if you wondered about Baby and her part to play? Zombie spells it out for us with her skit of a silly interview where she talks about “Whatever you need to do, you do it. There is no wrong. If someone needs to be killed, you kill ‘em. That’s the way.”

So if you believed she’s a good person who will join this adventure well, keep running with that.

Only traveling a small distance the group find themselves the target of a bear with a rifle on the road side.

A BEAR WITH A RIFLE ON THE ROAD SIDE?!

Well its another member of the Firefly family, Baby’s brother…Rufus Firefly(Robert Allen Mukes) Just a simple man, wearing a bear skin head, shooting out the tires of their car as it passed by.

Of course they crash and now find themselves royally screwed. You’d think they had a spare tire that could easily resolve their situation. Well they did, and would have. Had Jerry remembered to put it back in the car.

This road trip is not going well. Which now is a problem for Baby and she throws out there, of all things to say, that her brother has a tow truck, and he can tow their car. They could walk to her house from there, so Billy decides to nominate himself as the one to go out into the rain with Baby and meet with her brother.

This is mildly upsetting to Mary Knowles, as she doesn’t like Baby, and she doesn’t like how Baby is so friendly with her boyfriend Bill.

Which seems a bit uncalled for, I mean it’s not like Baby is going to jump him or anything.

So as Baby Firefly and Bill make it to her home, baby is flashing her ass crack and chest off while flirting with Bill. So maybe Mary did have good reason to worry. But Bill knows where his bread is buttered, and keeps his hands to himself. Though he’s too………..shy we’ll say, to tell her not to flirt with him.

Bill ask if there’s anyone else in the house, and she tells him likely her brother Otis. Otis Firefly is another joy to the world and I sincerely mean it when I say that Bill Mosley is a joy, in any and everything he does. From music, to his acting. He left his mark on my brain thanks to a heated wire hanger, courtesy of his role as Chop Top in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. Ever since then I’ve always smiled when he appears in a film.

Otis is. Hm.

Well Otis Firefly is the…..

If there was a mystery, wrapped inside an enigma? Otis would be the one fucking it in the skull while telling you all you need to know about the truth of the world. Allow me to give you an example as we meet him, sharing his wisdom with a couple of tied up cheerleaders upstairs.

Otis: Why, you ask? Why is not the question. How? Now that is a question worth examining. How could I, being born of such, uh. Conventional stock, arrive a leader of the rebellion? An escapist from a conformist world, destined to find happiness only in that which cannot be explained? I brought you here for a reason, but unfortunately you and your SENTIMENTAL MINDS ARE DOING ME NO GOOD! My brain is frozen. Locked! I have to break free from this culture of mechanical reproductions and the thick encrustations dying on the surface!....Oh, Christ. Fuck it!

And he proceeds to torture these captive ladies further, all while Baby entertains Bill.

Whom she assures that her brother Rufus has already left to take care of his friends car troubles.

Which he actually has! She wasn’t lying, and I don’t think it’d be wise to call her a liar either. So yes, back at the safety and semi sane cover of the car being drowned out by the rain. The rest of our group eagerly and worriedly await signs of life from their friend Bill and the tow truck that was promised. What they find instead though, is the scary visage of Rufus wearing his bear head staring at them through the cars windshield before hooking them up and taking the car to the Firefly family home.

This might be a good indication. That, as Nathan R Johnson said in the film The Jerk “Things are going to start happening for me now.”

This trip, is going to blow so many goats.

As baby tries getting closer to Billy boy, he’s saved from her pouncing as the tow truck arrives and his friends all reunite. Everyone safe and sound. All limbs accounted for.

But there is one noticeable oddity. There is apparently no sense of urgency in this house. Baby is watching the TV while everyone sits awkwardly, having been told nothing of the status on their car. No attempt at conversation, introductions. Nothing. So Mary, the bright star that she is, breaks the silence. Asking Baby, in the friendliest tone she can muster. How long it might be till the car is fixed. Where is her brother. Do they have a phone?

Mary is a good girl, she called her dad earlier at the gas station to check in with him. It was definitely a time for people to do that as the Manson murders had happened not long ago and people were definitely freaking out about going out at night. She told him where they were, what they were doing and where they were headed. So it makes sense she’d like to update him and keep him posted that they had car trouble, met a woman she can’t stand, and are now hanging out inside this lady and her families odd house.

But Baby is zoning her and her attitude out.

Mama Firefly however, is more than ready to be friendly with the group. Mama Firefly is played by the forever lovely and fun Karen Black.

Mama Firefly is beauty and grace, and Baby is not impressed with her flaunting herself all over the place. But she enjoys being the center of attention, as mama would. She helps set the group at ease and promises her boy will have their car fixed as soon as possible. At the mention of a phone she simply tells them they’ve no need for one out there. She buddies up to Jerry on the loveseat and he seems almost friendly with her, even taking her small advances without cringes too hard. She may actually have some friends here. At least she thought so until they tease her about having a good old fashioned ho-down. She can take a lot. But not being the butt of some cruel jokes. But enough of that. It’s dinner time, and she wants them to celebrate the joy that is Halloween. By wearing mask. She doesn’t care if the girls think they’re all too old, or if the boys think its weird. They are going to indulge her and her family as their guest.

Now we are getting the ball rolling, as we’re about to meet more of the Firefly clan. Starting with the appropriately named ‘Tiny’, a towering gentle giant of a man I will always remember most for his part in a film after this called “Big Fish”. The man was always recognizable and is another face in this cast who sadly is no longer with us.

Adding to the family and our as far as we know last member of the Firefly family, is the great and wonderful Grandpa Hugo played by legendary tv star, Dennis Fimple. Who also gives one of the best and most memorable performances in this film. Seriously between him, Otis and Spaulding. They really make this film an absolutely riot of mad fun.

Speaking of mad fun. It’s supper time! So everyone has to wear a collection of both the oldest Halloween mask, and sincerely scariest paper machete homemade ones. They do this not just for Halloween, but also for Tiny. As Tiny was horribly burned one night and is shy about his looks. So he wears a sort of odd strapped mask to help cover his face. Mama says he was the most handsome man and a real lady killer until the fire. Which was caused by a family member who got upset, doused him in gasoline and lit him on fire. As it happens, you know.

So they wear the mask she says, so he doesn’t feel alone wearing his.

It’s kind of sweet, even if the family is pants crapping insane, and full of joyous murderful intent.

So what could make a dinner with a family you don’t know, and are afraid being around, even more awkward? Well leave that to Jerry, as he can’t help his simple minded ass, and ask everyone at the table, if they know anything about the legends of Dr. Satan.

Mama does not look happy hearing that, and suggest maybe a different topic, a happier one. Even Grampa isn’t too excited by this as well.

Honestly everyone wants to just slap the shit out of Jerry for the fact he can’t read a room to safe his life(literally), but he again persist. Trying to make the best of an awkward situation. Unfortunately he ask again about it, just as Otis makes his entrance. Carrying a baby in a jar. Which Mama firefly smooches. She’s gone from looking worried to now adoring as she watches her son take control of the room and conversation.

But even he tries to dissuade Jerry about Dr. Satan, telling him it might be better if he leaves the house with his head still full of puppy dogs and kitty cats.  Jerry again, if only he could read the room. Feels he must stand up for his fragile manhood and tells Otis that he’s seen some shit, and he’d really like to know.

With that, he may have sealed all their fates, or given Otis reason to begin one of his beautiful rants.

But before we can get into that. Grampa has removed his mask and happily announces that dinner time is done, now? It’s……wait for it.

SHOWTIME!!

And Rob Zombie smashes the screen with another wonderful display of music and. Well. If you’ve seen his music videos, you know what he does, so ready for more fun!.

We are greeted to a montage of quick cuts that, I both ask you to pay attention to as Grampa does an opening comedy routine, but also caution you not to try and make too much sense of as his jokes are cut from the full joke, which is pretty twisted and hilarious, into segments of the joke. Just know that he was hilarious, and what better way to greet the crowd than with a middle finger.

But he’s just the opening act here, and he’s introducing their next attraction. The lovely and talented Baby, who has done up her makeup, changed outfits and is preparing for a song and dance, singing the classic “I wanna Be Loved By You”, as sung by Marilyn Monroe in the film Some like it Hot.

Of course her song choice is purely for entertainment and in no way reflects any of her flirting earlier.

As she steps out, both bill and Jerry are gob smacked. Buy Jerry isn’t hiding it, while Bill is a bit more restrained. The ladies however. Are not only unimpressed. Mary, is downright ready to enforce the policy if leaving a zero star review. She even spits her tongue out at Baby as she dances past each one of them. Brushing by each in turn before making her way to Billy boy.

She respectfully, in her act of course. Sits down in his lap and begins getting very friendly with him, surely still part of her act.

But Mary is done. She shoots up from her seat with a “Bitch did what?” look. She tells Baby to get off of him. But Baby is a woman on a mission, and she is dedicated to the performance. Mary switches on stone cold ‘bitch get off my main’ mode and shoves Baby to the ground. Calling her a slut and a whore in the process.

Well Baby is handling it well, for the most part, and simply tells her she shouldn’t have done that. Prompting Mary to prove that she, like the Tom Petty song won’t back down. “Oh Really? Are you gonna do something about it?”

Now. Either Mary took some karate at the community center. Is really a ride or die for her man, or she’s just had enough of this night and she knows her friend Denise will have her back.

Baby of course handles the situation as best she can. By standing back up and pulling out a knife, “I’ll do something motherfucker. I’ll fucking cut your tits off and shove ‘em down your throat!” said with the oil of Olivier.

Well cooler heads prevail and Mama is able to stop her daughter from removing Mary’s tits. At least for now. More importantly for the group though and well timed, Rufus Firefly barges in and happily announces their car is fixed! They can once more hit the road. Much to the delight of their entire party as now no one has to witness tit slicing or another floor show.

Well obviously that’s not the case. Otherwise we’d have a lot of movie left with nothing happening.

So as our group makes haste to their car and hurries to get the hell out of there. Baby decides to say hello once more. Sending the group off with one more quick fright. As they approach the exit to the Firefly compound however, they find the gate closed. Now if you find yourself in a situation. Where you are on a compound belonging to a family of crazies. I can understand both arguments here. One would be to open the gate, and proceed as fast as you can out of there. The other would be to risk upsetting the family by destroying their property and this sending them after you.

It is of course entirely your choice the next course of action and which you feel would serve you best.

For them, Bill is just too much of a normal human being. So he stops to politely get out, and walk.

Walk to the gate.

This dude, who’s girlfriend just had her tits threatened with violence, and dealt with a man carrying a baby in a jar. Is walking his ass to the gate. Because fuck it why not.

Of course his ass gets laid out! A nearby scarecrow on a cross turns out to not be a scarecrow but Otis with a pipe and proceeds to beat Bill bloody. That is until Jerry pops out of the car as well and leaps onto Otis’s back. Yeah Jerry is no help to anyone let alone himself. He’s down too.

Leaving our brave women, alone in the car, with not just Otis outside, but Tiny as well. The girls are more than just helpless. They are inept and full of fear. But they do have enough sense to at least make these two work for it by shutting and locking the doors.

However Tiny is a strong man and is able to tare the door off and takes Denise out and escorts her back into the house and out of the rain. Leaving Mary in the car. Who could run, I mean the door is open. She could make an attempt. But no. She too is soon captures as Otis climbs the car and shouts in victory.

Yes indeed, their road trip is taking a turn. But they can’t say it won’t be exciting.

Meanwhile in the land of suburban homes, Mary’s dad is concerned. His daughter never called to check back in with him last night, nor has she called him this morning. So he contacts the local police who he seems to be friends with, and politely ask them to check on her last known whereabouts at Spaulding’s. Thankfully the Sheriff there is familiar with the place. He was the old bearded man in the beginning of the film gassing up outside just before the robbery attempt! So now we have Dad making power moves to help locate his daughter, who the sheriff tries to calm him and reassure the father that Mary and the others are probably just having fun.

Mary. Is not having fun. She is tied to a chair, wearing a DUNCE cone and facing the corner, she’s been put in time out. As she begins to remember what happened and where she is. She begins crying and screaming. Immediately breaking Otis’s concentration in the next room, I sincerely love his dialog in this movie, it’s just so damn good, “ Shut your mouth. I said shut your fucking mouth! Listen you Malibu Barbie piece of shit. I’m tryin’ to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah I’ll bet you have. Scoopin’ ice cream to your shit heel friends on summer break. Well I ain’t talkin about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain’t readin’ no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood…is forever.”

It's just…It’s just so damn good.

But he promises her. He will remove the gag from mouth, but if she screams out, he will not hesitate to ruin her weekend. So she decides to listen. She tries her best to keep her shit together and ask about Bill. Well Otis is all to happy to talk about Bill. He likes Bill. Bill in fact is his muse.

Otis has had a bit of a creative slump, and hasn’t been able to work properly, However Bill ended that for him and he found inspiration. We get a short musical montage of poor Bill, strung up to a rack as Baby and Otis laugh and turn the radio on, giving Baby a reason to dance, and Otis the chance to begin cutting away at Bill. But Otis is no tease. He’s gonna show her just what he’s created and working on. He pulls back a large table cloth to unveil. Fish boy!

Bill has been…changed. He’s been fused with other parts and god knows what else, had his hand and arm severed for easier posing, and has quite factually become a half fish half boy. Rats off to Otis, it’s impressive. But Mary is unable and unwilling to applaud his work so she resorts to screams of horror.

Meanwhile our dear friend Captain Spaulding is being awoken from his precious sleep as Detective George Wydell(Tom Towles) and his partner Steve Naish(Walton Goggins) arrive to begin asking him about those missing kids from last night. It’s a beautiful scene, showcasing further Spaulding’s fashionable taste. Earlier in the movie while he cleaned the bloody floors he wore a shirt with a hot dog on the front and written across the back was “If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I’d fart”. Well now as he greets the two officers, he’s wearing a filthy shirt with a smiling cartoon pink happy pig dressed as a cop with “Pigs is beautiful” written across it. The man knows how to make an impression, goddamn I love it.

Wydell is not taking any shit and just wants to know what happened, where the kids were going, what they wanted, any and everything Spaulding can remember. Which isn’t much. Not because he doesn’t know, he just doesn’t make it his business to get involved with peoples lives, and he’s not all that social with assholes. Or people in general. It’s relatable. But he does give them enough to lead them where he lead those kids. Telling the cops they went off in the rain to try and go find the Doctor Satan tree. With that our officers continue onward and upward trying to locate these kids.

But what of Denise you say. Did she survive last night? Well of course she did. What’s the use of taking in travelers if you just kill them lickity split. She is alive and well. Tied to Tiny’s bed, wearing a lot more makeup than usual, and a dress, with knee high socks. It’s kinda disturbing, a lot disturbing but it is definitely a choice.

She wakes to what has to the the most disturbing sight of the film. Tiny eating out of a dog bowl with a spoon. Well I should say attempting to eat, as most the food on his spoon ends up on his face or back in the dog food bowl.

Denise quietly sobs and begins pleading. Begging Tiny to let her go. Which he does.

He actually does! Saints preserve us, the guy is actually pretty cool and decides she’s okay so sure why not. He leans over and unties her arms. She is astonished as we all are, thanks him and politely excuses herself to get the hell out of there.

UNFORTUNATELY, she runs into Otis who locks her back up and heads out. But not before giving a look to Tiny like “Dude what the hell. You know what we do.”, and Tiny just shrugs, returning to his breakfast. Tiny is a true king.

That leaves us with Jerry and his fate does it not? Well of the group I don’t know if its fair to say he’s the luckiest, or the worst off. I mean it’s hard to beat being turned into a fish boy. But Jerry is finding himself tied to an office chair and being greeted by none other than the always peppy, Baby. Wearing one of the cheerleader outfits from…well one of the dead missing cheerleaders.

I guess I should poke you all with a stick and make sure we’re all on the same page, as it’s been mentioned throughout the film that a bunch of High School cheerleaders went missing in that town and the Firefly family has been torturing, toying with, killing and…well a lot of things, to all of these girls. So again. Best not to ask questions, just go with it.

“Hey, wanna play a guessing game? Guess what number I’m thinking of.”, well Jerry is in no state to play games. He tells her to eat shit and die, doing his best to forget the fact he was crying like a baby and crapping his pants the previous night. So baby decide to start cutting his hair, because well why not. She’s trying to be polite and help the dirty hippie. She decides to make it interesting for him to participate in her game and offers him a fair deal. If he can guess who her favorite actress is, she’ll let him go. If he’s wrong. He’s fucked.

Well of course he’s gonna take the damn deal!

So, judging by the musical number she did early in the night, he makes the educated guess and says Marilyn Monroe. Baby has to think about that one for a while before letting him know that, her favorite actress is in fact!

Betty Davis. He loses. And she decides to rush the haircut and scalps him. I guess maybe staying quiet was a better option?

Or is it?!

Well ponder that if you must. The story is moving forward and we have to go with it. No time for napping on the job now! Sheriff Fran(William Bassett) and detective Wydell along side his not entirely bright partner Steve. Have discovered the kids car. It’s been through hell, bashed windows, broken doors and dented in body. Seats stripped clean and, no bodies. Steve however finds the car keys and presents them as a prize he’s discovered,  bringing us another quotable and beautiful line from Rob Zombie as delivered by the sheriff, “Well don’t just stand there like some prized dog dick, open the trunk.”

Finding himself not up to the status of opening the trunk, he tosses the keys to officer Wydell, who actually is certified to open that trunk. When they do, they don’t find the kids bodies, what they do find however, is the stripped and knived body, of one of the missing cheerleaders. Which needless to say, is a surprise, and further deepens the pot of shit.

None of it makes any sense to the officers, how one of the local missing cheerleaders, ends up in the trunk of a group of kids out of state on a road trip.Wydell and Nash talk this over as they await the arrival of Mary’s father. Giving him an update as to their investigation so far. It isn’t fairing well for his daughter and company, but they’re going to hold off on all conclusions until they make their way out to the only place those kids could’ve ended up. The one house out in the middle of nowhere, and a stones throw away from the Doctor Satan tree. The Firefly compound.

Oh things are definitely on the move now. With Dad in tow, our trio of law enforcement make their way to the compound.

 Well this is going to mess with Otis and Grampas day of watching the Munsters and enjoying a tv dinner obviously.

Otis gives Mama firefly a revolver with instructions to play nice, while he handles things. Meanwhile Steve and papa are headed out around the side of the house to investigate the property. Which raises some concerns immediately.

If you come across a property, and discover a chicken coup, full of various womens shoes, both hanging from the ceiling and piled in mass on the ground.

If you come across shrines devoted to travelers belongings.

If you come across evil as hell looking displays of mannequins and clothing.

You might just want to pull out your side arm or call for help.

ESPECIALLY, if you find a sealed barn where moaning is coming from.

Papa and Steve are going to investigate this. Because well Steve is a capable officer, he comes off as a hard ass so, Dad is in good hands, while Wydell is greeted around the front by Mama firefly who sits him down at the dinner table to discuss the missing kids and some mild flirting.

But who cares about that, let’s go discover what. What could possibly be behind a closed barn door, moaning.

As the two open the doors and gaze inside at the wonders they uncover. Zombie hits us with a classic western song and. We find an entire workshop, full of the semi alive, mostly dead, and dead dead cheerleaders. In various states of undress, cut up, tortured and splayed out.

Officer Steve is not as hardboiled as he likes to imagine. He immediately loses his shit and freaks out. Calling Wydell on the radio in a panic. As Wydell goes to answer the call however. Mama Firefly shoots him in the head. Dad is getting the hell out of dodge and leaving officer Steve to dig the fudge out of the back of his own pants. Otis can’t have this. He shows up just in time to shoot dad, twice. The not so brave officer Steve is now making lemonade in his pants as Otis approaches, forcing the officer onto his knees. Resulting in what was meant to be a very artistic shot. From a first time director, and well. It was. It just ran a little too long. As the camera cranes upward giving us a gods eye view of Otis standing over the officer with his pistol pointed at the mans head, we linger on the scene for several long moments, a few too many before he finally shoots officer Steve in thehead, and in slow motion no less.

I know what you were trying for, and you had the setup for it. Just needed a little tighter editing and the timing would be perfect.

So with the cops and dad now out of the way. It’s time to party!

So where else would you go to buy party supply, except for the most Rob Zombie place to ever be placed by a Rob Zombie. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Red Hot Pussy Liquors. Also welcome to what shall become the first of many, in a long series of film scenes to include solely the feature of Mrs. Zombies ass, in denim jeans with the entire ass portion cut out.

What a time to be alive 2003 was.

Baby and Rufus are picking up a large order of soul freeing party juice for their party tonight. The scene solely exist as a skit to make fun of the owner for his nametag Gerry Ober(Joe Dobbs the 3rd) because his tag says G. OOBER. Since the guy who made it for him is an asshole. It actually doesn’t exist solely for that. It exist for the title and Sheri’s ass debut. We all know it, we all were fine with it.

SO

Moving right along back to the house that Firefly built. The family is gathered, all wearing their best Halloween costumes, awaiting Otis. Who’s put on a special costume for this years party.

In the center of the room, we find Mary, Denise and Jerry strung up in rabbit costumes straight out of A Christmas Story. Otis makes his debut. Wearing a red robe and his special costume. He is wearing the arms, chest, and face of Mary’s father. It’s actually one of the more darker scenes and shifts yet again the tone of the film. Which don’t get me wrong. I love the film still. But its tone is definitely tap dancing between music video, 70’s exploitation, and comedy.

Which, works. Otis makes a show of his costume and attempts to slip Mary a little tongue from behind her fathers face as well. Taunting and further messing with her until its time to move the film toward its final act.

Our group is being lead outside into the blue night and a deep pit. Which Jerry tries his best to beg and plead for their release. How the man is still alive after being scalped and cut up, I don’t know. But one this is very clear very quickly. Mary is done with this shit.

She takes off running in her rabbit suit, fuck the rest of these people. She’s yeeting out of this place, her dads dead, a man wore his skin in front of her and kissed her. Her boyfriend was turned into a fish boy. She’s done.

However, Baby has unfinished business with Mary. She hasn’t forgotten being pushed to the floor earlier, and she certainly hadn’t forgotten Mary calling her a slut and a whore. Baby chases Mary who stumbles onto the one thing you may not have expected. The basis of the films title! She stumbles onto a mass graveyard of, we’ll say 1,000 corpses. Only she can’t really take it all in as Baby tackles her to the ground. Straddling her immediately and quickly begins stabbing her, repeatedly. She doesn’t cut her tits off as promised. But she is certainly destroying her bikini body.

All while Jerry and Denise are shoved into a coffin and lowered into the large pit. Along with a tape recorder, playing an odd chanting, and a lamp.

There is no more comedy here, this is straight up nightmare territory.

As Denise and Jerry are laid side by side in the coffin suspended over a large watery pit inside this cavern. Out of the water below emerges dozens of hands. Taring the coffin apart and freeing them. Or at the very least Denise, as we hear Jerry once more made to suffer, you can even hear in the distance as he screams “They’re eating me!”

Denise is in self preservation mode and stumbling through the tunnels. Happening across two crazies dressed similarly to herself in rabbit costumes. You can only imagine how long they’d been down there for, but the fact they’re now crazy Is a good indicator its been a long time. They strip her of the bunny costume, which apparently Is all they wanted from her and depart. The movie wants to make it very clear from here on, that what is happening, and what they’re filming, is a nightmare version of Alice in Wonderland. As Denis is still wearing her blue dress Tiny placed her in and knee high socks under the rabbit costume. She’s now roaming the halls of various corpses, skeleton statues and remains. Until she happens across what has to be one of the cooler set pieces of the movie. A bone cathedral. There’s a large chandelier made of human bones in the center of this room, the stone archways are similarly lined with bones and before her, two great doors, covered in skulls.

Its all set up like a morbid amusement park. As she is jumpscared by a decrepit super evil looking assistant. Who’s only purpose for being, is to pull a large rope to help open the doors to the waiting room.

The waiting room of the underground nightmare clinic of the one and only Doctor Satan.

Who genuinely looks creepy as fuck, and cool as hell. Its almost sad in a way because it just seems. All of the last 20 minutes seems like such a solid absolute shit yourself horror film, while the first hour was more hip cool rockabilly horror. I still am grateful for it, just seems a little out of place.

We at least learn that Jerry is not all that bad off. He’s being operated on by Doctor Satan. Who will no doubt improve his life by making him a super human, at least that’s what the legends said. But is it just legends?

Fuck no it isn’t! Doctor Satan does not appreciate being interrupted during his surgery. So he calls for his assistant, an unholy tall super human with a rebreather and axe. This man is not polite, nor will he escort anyone to the door.

I should also take the time to mention that Doctor Satan, his entire look is so unique and creepy. He’s a decrepit old man, with a purely evil looking face, sunk in skin hugging his skull. He has mechanical assistance helping keep his arms mobile, an oxygen mask seemingly welded to his mouth and the most evil looking eyes, Hats off to the actor Walter Phelan and the films effects team.

Denise is stuck in a room, with a locked door and this beast of a man swinging his axe. But he misses her and ends up chopping the door open, allowing her to escape into the tunnels. She is choosing to deal with the horrors of those tunnels versus face off against the super mutant man. Which itself is also cool and freaky as hell. It looks like a melted face man, in pieced together body armor, with a shiny bloody skull for a head, and a puckered asshole for a mouth, which thankfully is kept out of sight by his own rebreather.

We know this how? Oh because as Denise runs blindly around she finds a dead end and runs into the beast man again. No where to run and no where to hide. The superfreak takes a swing at her again. But there’s just something about compensating your super strength attacks when attacking a much smaller faster target. She evades the attack and the mutant man takes out instead a wall support in the tunnel. Bringing it all crushing down ontop of himself. Knocking Denise out in the process.

But is this the end? Hell no! She wakes up in a daze and see’s daylight above her. The collapse caused by the mans axe has opened up the ground above her! Freedom! She’s found her way out and crawls from the ground to freedom. Where she happens across a road and the true savior of this film. Captain Spaulding, in his classiest of rides only he himself could ever be seen driving.

He stops immediately for her and lets her in, Promising to take her immediately to help. She mumbles she needs a doctor, looking over all her cuts and bruises, Spaulding nods and agrees, telling her he’ll take her to a doctor. As they drive off, of all things to happen. Otis pops up from the back seat. Looking a bit annoyed at Spaulding as he drives seemingly unaware, until Otis attacks Denise and the film stops itself, transporting poor Denise directly to the doctor. Just not the one she needed, but the one she’s getting. Doctor Satan, who proceeds to drill into her head and the words some people longed for when seeing this pop up on screen.

The End.

So. That was Rob Zombies directorial debut. It was for sure a learning experience and you can tell. There’s a lot that worked and some things that didn’t. Now 20 years older I am noticing a lot of this too. The film could’ve used a bit tighter editing, maybe a tighter grip on its overall tone, and ditched a bit of the odd inserts. But if they did, honestly? It wouldn’t have been Zombie.

The movie really plays off, and I mean this in sincere flattery to the man. It plays off like a rockabilly metal musician making a feature length film and music video. It’s something his fans absolutely would eat up(and did) and a film that horror fans either loves obsessively, or scratched their heads at. It’s a definite grab bag of a lot going on and different genres at play. But it always carried a respect for those genres and it was an honest attempt.

When you compare this film to The Devils Rejects. The difference is night and day. The classic music is still there, the humor is expanded on leaps and bounds. But the horror is absolutely more visceral and real. It’s entirely a different film with the characters of the first looking more serious and less like, well. Characters.

But I love it. I love the first film and the second film is a masterpiece of grindhouse and absolutely a badge of what Zombie is capable of.

I remember my ex hating the film and wishing Baby had died, she hated her laugh, she hated her character, she didn’t like the movie and its weirdness, where as myself, my sister, her ex, and our cousin loved this movie unconditionally. It was just a fun ride. So why in the name of satans butthole is it on this list?

The Music.

Well now. This would mark the fourth film for me, in my collection of movies back in the day when it was more reasonable. Where the films score and soundtrack were done almost entirely with classic songs and songs done by the director specifically for the film. Mixed in with short tracks of actual score thrown throughout the film.

Zombie included a mix of classic rock and country, along with his own remixes of certain songs. A few pieces of music and full songs he wrote for this as well. Something he continued with The Devils Rejects, which was honestly a nearly better score. But this one came first, and stuck with me for the fact it was a film 22 year old me saw and connected with not only visually but through the music. Having a rock music and funky soundtrack through one hell of a mushroom acid trip of a film. Was still a somewhat new thing for me. It fell into the same good time rocking out to a movie experience I hold The Beavis and Butthead Do America movie, and Maximum Overdrive. Two films with amazing fucking soundtracks that just rock through the film and carry it through beginning to end.

To this day I still love hearing the main “House of 1000 Corpses” song, its one of those beats that still carried the vibe and sound of his earlier White Zombie days while bringing in his solo touches. His take on Brick House was insanely fun and reminded me again, of years back when he released the now hard to find White Zombie album La Sexorcisto songs. A bunch of remixes he did of classic songs and earlier songs the band had done.

The man has a talented ear for music and having him apply it to film, is a beautiful thing. Mixing together him and Scott Humphrey, who did a lot of work on Zombies music through most of his career.

Tracks like “Scarecrow Attack” still sound creepy. It carries hints of Halloween, a primal hunting theme and some classic Zombie mixes from his songs. Played on its own its an intense scary track. Which really shakes the shit out of the horror tree and you have to remember this was from the same movie where a segment played about an old man talking about a sasquatch raping his wife, and a clown jokes about retards.

The album is a trip itself because it plays off as a triple header. It’s a film score, mixed in with the films soundtrack, and an album of new music by the artist/director.writer themselves.

“Pussy Liquor” is a great classic vibing Zombie piece, and instantly reminds me of being one of the few kids in my high school who wore White Zombie shirts to school, and joined a band with a girl who loved the bassist in White Zombie.

If you want mechanical terror, the auto mechanical menacing march of ‘Into the Pit’ has you covered. It sounds like something over sized robots from the 50’s would march too while raiding towns.

But if I had to pick a favorite from the score itself? It’d have to be “To The House”

It’s the most film like piece on the album and sounds like a modern version of music from The omen. It has a grand overture and sense of dark understand, that just turns into madness in fog. It keeps a sinister undertone that escalates as the track nears its end and perectly captures that moment in the film where these people are headed to the place that will be their death. It hits some classical film notes, almost sound like something from Amityville Horror at times. Its really a beautiful piece of music and I almost wish, like a lot with the film. That we got more like that.

But really it’s hard to stand by that given the whole score itself is experimental and mechanical, perfectly fitting a first time filmmakers trip into a new career. It really works as it is, and leaving you wanting more is not always a bad thing.

Seriously though, someone explain to me what the hell we did to get Rob Zombie with Trina doing a cover of Brickhouse, a funky metal rap cover no less, that just sounds heavier than anything we deserve. But man do we deserve it.

Usually films consist of a score, orchestrated for the film and used in the background. Then you have a soundtrack, which features the music used in the film from various artist. Getting both of those in one album, and tracks from the films director which make it feel like a Rob Zombie album, it’s just a treat. It’s a rarity, and I hope it stays that way. It just adds for me to the film experience. Its weird, funky and needed.

I mean given everything you’ve seen and heard in this film? To hear a track like “Little Piggy”, a beautiful funky song that in no way shape or form feels it came from this movie, to be followed by something like Mary’s Escapade. Which sounds like Zombies techno mechanical mayhem of funk, that sounds more LIKELY to be something from this film, and his attempt at a Hellraiser score.

It’s just a gift. All of it is.

I love Zombies earlier stuff, and I dug some of his later solo songs. He just has that sound to him that distinctly is his. His films carry that too, much in the same way Tim Burton does with his films, Even his ‘normal’ films.

I don’t think Zombie is a bad or a poor filmmaker, or musician. I think its great when an artist decides to branch out and finds another passion. The film isn’t for everyone, and that goes for some horror fans. But I like it. It’s a good entry film and though I may not have liked his Halloween films, I can appreciate what he did. I’m glad for these films and his music. Both in and out of the film. It captured a part of my youth and early steps into my twenties that I enjoyed the hell out of.

Yes you should check out the movie and dig yourself a funky grave with the music. It’s fun and horrifying, while still being a fun ride. Check it out and enjoy. Until tomorrow, If you find a gas station selling famous fried chicken? Pay for the gas, and buy the chicken, you only live once, and it’s better to eat the chicken, versus get your tits cut off.