SCORETOBER Day 16 PHANTASM!!!

Day 16

Phantasm

If having your mind fucked with, and watching a movie that leaves you more confused than you were before the last 20 minutes is your jam? Then welcome to Phantasm.

It’s even better when each film in the series just gets further and further out there, and just when you believe, even allow yourself to THINK that things are beginning to line up and make sense. It just. Keeps. Going.

And I love it for that. I’ve seen it countless times, all of them. It was one of the first marathons I did when watching Joe Bob’s return to the Drive-in. He suggested different liquor and pot strains to help you through the films. I, shall not. Instead we are going in dry!

Let this movie whisk you away aboard its craziness and just learn to love it.

Otherwise if you resist this movie and ask a bunch of questions we, we really wont get anywhere. So in the now immortal words of the profit Coolio…

Come on y’all lets take a ride, don’t you say shit. Just get inside. It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip, ‘cause you can’t have the hop if you don’t have the hip.

Lets roll!

The Film

What a time to be alive. These movies in glorious 4k, waiting to warp reality for a whole new generation. It’s really not that bad of a trip honestly. It’s just a fun ride brought to us by a man who makes the best damn rides possible, Don Coscarelli. This was just a bit of insanity that hit the video world in 1979.

So how can we begin this beautiful ride?

By jumping right into it! By it, I mean slappin sacks in the graveyard! Which our new friend Tommy is all about right now, the late 70’s were a different time. They didn’t ask questions, they just went with it. So don’t judge Tommy for wanting to follow a beautiful blonde into a cemetery and start having sex. You just say ‘right on’ and go for it.

Well, before Tommy can take the skin boat to tuna town, and quicker than you can say ‘Hey nice breast” This lovely lady of the evening stops her makeout and whips out a dagger, killing poor Tommy! The man didn’t know if he was coming or going, but for sure he departs this world thinking perhaps he should have asked some questions first.

He especially would consider this if the woman who’s breast you were oogling and he was enjoying went from sweet mammaries, to old man chest.

Yes that’s right. You just got trapped, and by none other than the man himself and forever beloved in our hearts, The Tall Man(Angus Scrimm)Bit of an odd start to things without explanation but hold on. We are just getting started pal.

We now fast forward to Tommy’s funeral, introducing us to the best people you could ever want to meet in this or any other lifetime. Jody(Bill Thornbury) and the absolutely amazing Reggie(Reggie Bannister)

They’re all gathered today at Morning Side cemetery for their friend Tommy’s funeral. Which you would expect some quiet and reflecting to be a part of said ceremony. Only Jody finds the mausoleum he visits anything but. He hears what can best be described as cloth being torn. Well that and jawas running through hallways.Pay no attention to that. Because the moment Jody starts to get curious about it, he gets a friendly hand on the shoulder from the tall man who quietly, and politely informs him “THE FUNERAL IS ABOUT TO BEGIN….SIR!”

The Tall man is a powerhouse of quiet commanding tone, that only occasionally should make you shit yourself.

Meanwhile, outside ripping ass across the well maintained grass of the funeral home and cemetery, we meet the third member in our trio, Mike(A. Michael Baldwin). This kid just made the entrance of all entrances. Especially when you don’t want to get noticed being somewhere you aren’t supposed to be. Seriously, dude just ran a dirt bike through a cemetery then chills like its nothing at all.

Now that’s one cool cat.

Well Mike wasn’t allowed to come, even though he really liked Tommy, because his brother Jody felt it might be too much for him. These two lost their parents and since then Jody has taken over as the parental unit in their house. Despite his feelings, and the sudden death of their best friend. Jody did what he thought best. But Mike, in his own mind with how he deals with things. He’s afraid to lose his brother. So he usually ends up tailing him one way or the other. So naturally this brings him to the cemetery.

Mike did come prepared. He brought binoculars, and I would hope some snacks. You might think a cemetery would be, as the saying goes. Quiet as the grave. But no. This place is just a busy body of activities. Of the unexplained kind! Yep. More odd noises and rustlings. And also more Jawas running wild. If you thought Luke was being rude by hating on them on Tatooine, you’ve no idea just how troublesome those salvagers can be once you let one in.

But Mike cares not for the dealings of jawas in the wild. Instead he came to coffin and chill. Whipping out his binoculars to watch his brother and friends lift Tommy’s Coffin and carry it grave side. Which I can tell you from my own experience doing so is, not as easy as they usually make it out in the movies. But this one is actually keeping it pretty close to the chest of reality.

Now why might they do so? Don’t get ahead of yourself! We’ll get there! We gotta see Reggie and Jody view the bo…..fine, WHATEVER!!

So Mike watches with his creeper peepers the entire graveside service. Once everyone is done and departs he sticks around to watch the coffin be lowered into the ground. Only it isn’t being lowered. It’s being lifted.

And not body snatched either! The Tall Man is picking up the casket like its no big deal and throws it back into the hearse, freaking Mike right the hell out.

SEE?! THAT is why we had to take note of the weight with 8 people carrying it…or 6. Look the point is. Tall Man strong!

Well Mike has seen enough so it’s time to get the hell out of cemetery land as stealthily as possible.

Which he achieves by revving his dirt bike announcing to one and all far and wide that he is exiting the premises. Hoping The Tall man doesn’t hear him and cast a mighty glare.

Mike is fortunate as the Tall Man is not casting a mighty glare his direction, nor are cemetery Jawas coming out to rob him. Instead the Tall Man teleports over closer to Mike and gives a Tall Man Stare! Quickly and magically knocking Mike off his bike where he promptly eats grass. This was also in the before time. When riding your motorcycle, and dirt bike was taking your life in your hands, as things like Helmets and pads, were only for sport. Besides, with hair that good, you don’t wanna cover it from the ladies, or men. Whichever slice of the pie you like.

So what does a kid like Mike do when he face plants off his dirt bike in a cemetery, freaked out by a man with hulk like strength power lifting caskets? What any other kid back then would do, naturally. Visit a cute girl and her fortune telling grandma!

It’s really not as weird as it sounds, kid is pretty open minded honestly, and he’s scared. Lil dude lost his parents 2 years ago and fears he’s gonna lose his big bro. And for legitimate reason too, he heard him talking with a friend about his plan to leave now that Mike was 13. Well Grandma isn’t much for raising her voice, or opening her eyes. So her Granddaughter(Terrie Kalbus) speaks for her. Letting Mike know he should chill out, it’s all cool. If Jody goes anywhere? He’ll take him along. Which does help Mike a bit, but kid has some problems! I mean who didn’t at 13, but not many of us can claim we had problems with tall thin men lifting caskets and working with jawas.

Well, this prompts the two ladies to talk amongst themselves and decide it’s time for some weirdness, and to reference a science fiction favorite.

Before Mike can really figure out what the ladies are chatting about, he suddenly notices a black sleek box on the table, magically appearing. The Granddaughter politely ask him to put his hand in the box. “What’s in it?” Suddenly the box takes hold of his hand. He immediately panics. Asking the right question of just what the hell is going on?! His hand hurts!

Suddenly we find ourselves in DUNE as Mike is told not to fear…not to fear.

Screw it.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

It’s not impulse control, I just grew up around the Bene Gesserit Order.

Anyway Paul Atr….Mike. Mike freaks out but Granddaughter persist he must not fear. Well if a box is hugging your hand and causing you pain, you obviously weren’t ready for fisting and neither were they. So relaxing is your best bet, and just like that. Mike relaxes and chills out. The box lets go and boom. Hand is just fine. He slaps some cash out for the ladies, walks away with an important life lesson, and all of us are just a little bit confused.

Keep on cruising buddy, we started this journey lets keep going. It’s only 20 minutes in. we still got an hour and 9 minutes to go.

Don’t worry, things are gonna calm down and start making sense. But first I gotta ask. Do you like Disco? Who doesn’t! Get ready for the tastiest fattest disco groove as Jody wonders into a bar. Dunes Cantina.

DUNES

CANTINA

Get it?! GET IT?!! God I love the man who made this and his legacy, bless him.

Honestly though, the best thing we get from this place, is the main theme for the film, done entirely as a disco piece. It’s amazing, it’s wonderful. The soundtrack included it. We are all blessed this day.

Jody a bit more so as he finds himself a cute blonde alone at the bar. This can only bode well. I mean that’s a victory for Jody, a win for us all!

Except for yeah. The small fact this town seems to have a problem with attractive blondes turning into murderous old Tall Men. So. He’s got a 50/50 chance here. Might die, might score. We will see. If he dies and leaves his Hemi Cuda to Mike? Then Mike is the clear winner.

Well this lady ain’t easy, but she’s down to clown and wonder to the cemetery for another panty dropping throwdown. Jody’s odds are not roughly 70/30 on dying. Which would suck for Mike, because Mike is of course tailing his bro. Offering him a nice view of, our second pair of breast in this film. Lucky us right?

I know we took Jody’s likelihood of being killed up to 70/30. But we see the blonde beneath Jody, and she’s working hard to pull down his jeans and underwear. So unless the Tall Man is that committed to the role? Jody’s chances are going up 60/40. She may not be the Tallman in disguise. But any girl wanting you to bang her in a cemetery is not entirely the most stable. Yes I know I said just go with it. Which you should, and can. But just you know. Be ware.

Thankfully Mike doesn’t need to worry about catching site of his brothers hairy ass and ball sack. Because forest Jawas are also checking this shit out and apparently enjoying it. Enjoying it so much they shake some bushes like Cool Hand Luke and freak the hell out of Mike again. This kid is just having a crap day. So Mike takes off screaming past his brother and possibly crazy lady, possibly old man trap killer.

It’s pretty funny mostly for Jody’s reaction. Lifting his head holding the girls panties in his mouth looking at his brother running past them wondering what the deal is. The two eventually catch up and Jody helps calm down Mike. Even as he tries telling him he’s seem some weird shit. Jody calms him down though and tells him to head back home, very aware he has a lady he left without her panties on top of a grave waiting for him to return.

Well Jody goes out hunting for her like a bloodhound on a mission, but alas. She is nowhere to be found. Anyone with bets on Jody surviving, just got a nice pay off. But now Jody will have to move on, or attempt playing Cinderella by asking all the ladies of the town to try on the panties and once he finds the fair maiden that fits them. He will have found his grave site lover.

What a movie that would make. But that’s not this movie.

No. This is a movie where Mike goes home and tries to sleep after his full day of weirdness and girls sticking his hand in boxes. So you tell me how you think his sleep will go?

Spoilers. NOT WELL! Of course he has a nightmare! This is a horror film, among other genres. So he cuddles himself up in his bed, only to find Jawas holding him down and the Tall Man standing over him, arms wide open, shaka when the walls fell.

Sorry.

Anyway Mike is not going to be sleeping anytime soon the next 5 years, but still morning is coming and he’s gonna take in the town, Because it’s the most happening place, also the only place with signs of life. Back in a time when people would leave their homes and be social. Only he’s using his outside time to enjoy a tootsie pop and stroll, While his buddy Reggie is busy delivering some of his ice cream. It’s a fun sequence warranting mention mostly because. When you have nightmares, and see something scary. Its bound to a place, and time. Horror films have rules their villains must abide by, so that way the heroes do have some form of sanctuary. Only not here, and not for Mike. Across the street he sees of all people enjoying a stroll like him, is The Tall man. He has to stop himself and enjoy the sensation of Reggie’s Ice Cream truck’s door open and cold air escaping the freezer. He seems to really be enjoying this so either it’s particularly hot outside and he needed the cool air. Or the man is from a different dimension and his natural atmosphere is far colder than our own. Mike once again hates his life as he again finds himself ready to crap his pants full with the man of his nightmares out and about acting like something he’s not, a normal human.

Jody however is on his Cinderella panty quest, thinking it smart to start at the bar. Because any lady at the bar before 10am is…..well. She’s some bodies type.

The bartender is all to happy and familiar with gentlemen considering taking up the panty quest of their drunken nights fun, so he tries to help point Jody in the right direction. Only he can’t, as the blonde lady was a face he hadn’t seen come back that night or this morning. So there is still a chance she is human, or dead. We won’t take odds. Yet.

So Mike is finding himself in need of a serious distraction. Unfortunately video games were incredibly minimal, expensive, and any hand held game was the size of a brick and usually football. So his choices are limited. So he does what he does best, and works to clear his mind. Works on his brothers car.

Which not gonna lie, that’s something I used to enjoy with my best friend in High School. We’d work on my first car my parents bought me a 79’ Firebird. We rebuilt that thing and it was pretty damn fun. If also incredibly expensive. So there’s hope yet for Mike.

Until while working under the car Mike begins to hear Jawas talking and moving around him. Soon knocking out a support holding the car above him. This is a lot scarier than some of you might know or imagine. Trust me, there is not a lot of room under those things and that is not a place, or way I’d want to find myself or leave this world.

So Mike grabs for a hammer and surveys the ground around him under the car. Two boots appear to his right side by the car. So Mike reaches back into his warrior roots and with the might of Thor crashes the hammer down on top of the foot. Be it Jawa, monster, or otherworldly being, Anyone feels pain when smashed with a hammer, and if it is an other worldly being, for all he knows their testicles could be there and he could’ve crippled his would be attacker.

Unfortunately however his attacker does not keep their testicles in their feet. Nor is it a fashionable jawa. It’s Jody, and Mike just crushed his brothers foot, officially marking him as both a cockblocker, and a foot knocker.

But Jody is, mostly okay with this, I mean sure he is mad but, it’s his bro, and he’s going through a lot so he has to let it go. Even if Mike feels worse off now as he’s still not being believed and really is afraid now.

But fear is the mind killer, and he was told by the fortuneteller and her granddaughter more specifically to let his fear pass through him. So he’s going to man up and ready himself to face his fears, until only he remains. He grabs a knife, a light, and takes his vitamins before heading out in his denim jacket. The true sign of a modern day warrior.

So off he goes, to face destiny, jawas, or seriously just hoping that blonde is still roaming the cemetery searching for her panties.

But it turns out no, he’s going to go straight to the heart of the situation. He’s headed for the mortuary home. Partaking in the coming of age ritual from the time period, of breaking and entering via a smashed open window.

See, when you stay in doors and play video games all damn day, listening to podcast. YOU, yes YOU. Are missing out on the cornerstones of living life. Breaking the law, sneaking into mortuaries, committing felonies, sneaking into underground secret bases, kicking containers holding zombies and infecting your neighborhood. Discovering pits full of troglodites in the woods, Finding a pit to hell in your backyard.

Can’t get that on your playstation can you!

Anyway…

Mike is inside the mortuary and going full Solid Snake mode, creeping and stealthing through the rooms of coffins, the marble lined hallways. Evading capture and the ever watchful eye of the Tall Man and his minions. Not just the Jawas, oh no. He has human minions too. Mindless droning humans who serve him and look after the place.

Now put down your beer and pay attention. Because this is important and part of horror history.

As Mike travels along the marble halls of the mausoleum, he begins hearing swift swooshing like his brother heard during Tommy’s funeral service. Only this time, Mike finds the source. A silver ball patrolling through the hallways  that turns and stares back at him before taking off at full speed toward Mike. Who has to dive to the floor in order to escape it smashing into him. Evading the silver ball he scuttles back to his feet and takes off down another hallway. Only to run into one of the Tall Man’s henchmen. Who struggles to hold onto Mike as the silver ball makes its way back toward the two. Hearing the ball return Mike quickly things and goes full dead weight, dropping to the floor. Just as the ball spits out two sharp blades. Landing itself into the henchman’s forehead. Immediately after, it begins what seems to be an automated cycle, as it shoots out a small drill bit and begins drilling into the mans skull as he screams and the silver ball begins to spit out a slow steady stream of blood and fluids, killing the man.

So naturally Mike fills his pants fuller than they’ve ever been and takes off like Sonic. Only he doesn’t get far as the Tall Man soon makes himself known. It’s a slow fun scene mostly because it plays out both with a tenseness and playfulness of a three stooges bit. Mike faces the Tall Man and slowly begins walking toward him. Which the Tall Man mirrors at the same pace. Neither in a particular hurry. But Mike knowing he has to get his ass out of there. So faster than the road runner spits out “Meep meep!”, Mike takes off and to his surprise, Grandpa is spry. Keeping up with him nearly grabbing him as the two run. Mike manages to barely escape and slam a large metal door behind him. Sighing in relief until he hears muffles noises and turns around. Finding he’s crushed the Tall Man’s hand in the door and his fingers are painfully squirming. Mike has had it with this stuff today, so he pulls out his knife and cuts the dangerous mans hand. Severing several fingers. One of which he picks up. We can only assume as a craft project to make himself a necklace. The start of his trophies he will collect from his pray and wear as a warning to others.

Or you know, maybe proof to show so people will stop doubting him. Either or.

Well after a full day of having his life threatened and nearly being impaled and blood juiced by a flying silver ball. Mike falls asleep the only way he can. On a stairway back home hugging a fully loaded shotgun with a round chambered. Because he’s street like that.

Jody finds him like this and unloads the shotgun, which surprised even him that the thing was fully loaded and ready for action.

As Mike begins to wake he begins explaining things to his brother. About his late night adventure into the mortuary, the flying balls and old men grabbing at him. He knows Jody will blow it off again, so he whips out a small wooden box, taking out the small peg holding it locked and lets him examine the evidence. A still wiggling yellow fluid bleeding finger of the Tall Man.

Jody accepts this burden of proof, and handles it surprisingly well. Honestly I would’ve thought he’d be freaking out seeing a severed none human finger. But nope. Just another Tuesday

So it’s decided. He and Mike will pack up, arm up and take care of business. So Mike heads upstairs and begins gathering things. Because realizing the finger in the box has stopped making noise. Curious if it finally died, he opens the box. Unleashing comedy gold that still holds up today.

As the small box opens. We are greeted to the most wonderful over the top evil giant fly puppet. Taking off for freedom. Mike is back to his familiar freaking out over shit that should not be. Only he can’t find the fly which is mildly concerning.

Well the fly soon reappears as its climbing across the top of Mike’s scalp through his head, The two begin a struggle of epic proportions. Mike is being tossed around as badly as Ash was when fighting his own hand in Evil Dead 2. Only Mike is fairing slightly better. He manages to trap the fly inside his denim jacket and begins bashing it into the walls as the two carry their epic battle down the stairs, screaming for help.

So Jody is tagged in and begins helping his brother with the fly problem. The two brothers beat it, pound it and smash the fly as best they can until they manage to get the trapped fly down into the garbage disposal. They flip the switch and listen to the song of the evil oversized fly suffer and go silent. Mike pulls out the denim jacket from the sink, instantly lamenting that his warriors garb now has a huge hole in the top back of the jacket. He’s more upset about that, versus the fact he and his brother almost lost a battle to a large evil fly.

Again. Go outside! If only all of us could react this calmly to something other worldly.

Just about then Reggie reminds us he’s part of this adventure by popping inside the boys home, offering to take Mike on a ride in his chick magnet ice cream truck. Completely unaware of the epic battle that just took place.

At least for now. Because this fly is doing its best impression of Stallone in Rocky 5 as it pops up from the disposal with an “I didn’t hear no bell” buzz and takes off attacking the three men in the house. Until it is finally, once and for all taken out. Prompting FINALLY a logical response from someone, curtesy of Reggie, “What the HELL is going on here?!”

Now. This is an important moment, So mark it well. I just can’t say why just yet. But trust me. Mark it in your mind, so long as its not intoxicated and floating along.

Jody is loading up the shotgun and giving good advice to Mike about using firearms. Never pull it out unless you intend to use it, and only shoot at what you intend to put down. Also my favorite. No warning shots. Warning shots are bullshit. Shoot to kill.

Which actually is true oddly enough. Especially from a legal standpoint. If you fire a warning shot at say a burglar or serial killer? It no longer falls under self defense, but intent to commit murder. As you’ve just fired a warning, meaning your next shot is intended to kill someone.

If however you pull your weapon, tell them to drop down, or make the decision to fire. You are still on the grounds of self defense.

Weird right? Anyway.

Mike is helping Jody and tells him he has a plan. He is going alone. He wants Mike to stay behind,lock the doors and windows, keep the weapon armed and close. He and Reggie will stay behind while Jody heads off to investigate for himself the mortuary and the Tall Man.

This. Can of course, only go well.

With a colt 1911, 8 rounds in the clip, and a blondes panties in his jacket pocket. Jody finds the smashed window Mike used earlier during his B & E.

A nice touch to this room you’ll note, or should. Is that the only lap in the room, is the height of a kid, or Jody is just that damn tall. It even confuses Jody a little. Sadly distracting him as an angry Jawa leaps onto his back with a cry of Utinni!

The jawa attacks and Jody does his best to fend it off. Reaching for his pistol and managing the most awkward and completely insanely aimed shot. Angling his arm above his head, twisting his wrist around and firing a foot away from the back left side of his head. Shooting the jawa in the head.

Under normal circumstances, another interesting fact for you all. If you shoot a gun in a closed room, it will take your hearing. You’ll be lucky if it returns to you in a few days if at all.

If you fire a pistol, especially a revolver, in a closed room, close to your head? You will blow out your eardrum, shatter the small crystal in your skull and bleed out your ears as you are now deaf.

Movies don’t allow this logic, nor do they allow kickbacks from firearms. So Jody’s wrist isn’t shattered nor is he bleeding out his ears.

Instead he escapes and runs down the road side. Only to find the Tall Mans hearse chasing after him. He turns around and fires dead center at the car. But it keeps on driving past him down the road. Just as Jody takes a moment to breath, he gets to experience a small bit of Mikes life recently as he sees another pair of headlights headed towards him. He stands and takes aim once more. Only this time, thankfully he resist firing. Which is nice considering it’s his car that appears in front of him idling, and inside his car is none other than Mike. The two drive off headed home, only to find the Tall Man’s hearse, without a driver, or so it seems. There was a driver, Jody did shoot him, and the driver they discover, was their best friend Tommy.

It’s a deep wtf moment for the group, accompanied by a fun needed moment as Jody calls up Reggie and tells him to bring his ice cream truck. As Reggie arrives, he’s called upon to help move the body of Tommy to the back of the ice cream truck. Thinking to use the freezer unit to keep their friends corpse….wait for it….on ice. Which Reggie has to ask the logical follow up “This guy’s not gonna leak all over my ice cream, is he?” Bless you Reggie.

So the group has a nice fireside chat about the Tall Man, and more importantly their recent discovery that he’s taking the bodies of the dead and reanimating them as his own minions.

Reggie offers the more sane solution, of going back up to Morning Side and just curb stomping the Tall Man until they can drive a stake right through his heart! Which would work if he weren’t so powerful, and had a heart. But Jody has a better plan. A familiar plan.

First step is getting Mike out of there. Because Mike, even though he helped Jody. Has proven all he ever can do is shadow Jody, and he doesn’t want him too argue on this, or follow him, and save. AGAIN! So he sends Mike off..to an antique store with to lady friends, who were nice enough to make him a bed in the back.

I mean that’s actually really cool of them, and I’d honestly be stoked about hanging out at an antique store like that. It’s not because I’m old! Those places actually are kinda fun and you usually find some pretty interesting things there actually.

Like Mike is finding as he roams around curiously. He’s looking over the varied and different themed items throughout the store and stumbled upon a cabinet full of antique photos. One of which turns out to be the Tall Man riding atop an old hearse horse carriage. Which interestingly enough later in the series comes back  to serve as some fun backstory, but more interesting, at least for now. Is that Mike hasn’t had the crap shat out of himself lately. So that needs to change obviously. As Mike stares at the photo taken back by the fact he’s found of all things an old town photo of the man creature they’re now fighting, realizing just how long he’s been at this. Only to then have the photo come to life and The Tall Man turns to face him  giving a Beetlejuice “Hey how’s it goin” before Mike freaks right the hell out!

It is decided in that moment, by Mike, that these two ladies must drive him back to Jody. For reasons. Also back to his house for a change of pants. Also for reasons.

But as these two ladies go against Jody’s wishes of keeping Mike there, they want nothing more than to escape the smell of fear that fills those pants so they help him out. Unfortunately this leads to a discovery they were not ready for. On the side of the road we find our dear friend Reggies ice cream truck turned on its side. Mike goes immediately to investigate and check on his friend, despite the girls calling for him to come back to them. Mike has formed a habit of not listening to anyone. Only following his instinct that coincidentally also adds to changing his pants often. As he explores the wreck he finds no sign of Reggie, and scarily enough. No sign of the freezing body of Tommy. Only a large hand print in yellow bloody fluid.

Mike runs back to the girls car and tells them they need to GTFO! But the girls want an explanation first, and possibly ice cream. Okay very likely ice cream. Who doesn’t

Only there will be no ice cream this night. Evil Jawas are attacking the girls car! Sally(Lynn Eastman-Rossi) and Suzy(Susan Harper) are set upon by angry Jawas and Mike finds himself pushed out the back window of the car as the VW bug takes off, both women screaming and struggling with the Jawas, or reconciling and partying.

No. They are struggling and likely dead. There is no partying.

So because everyone is a creature of habit. Mike is, you guessed it, returning on foot once more to Jody. Who is once more happy to see his brother, and once more hears him tell his tale of Jawa violence and Reggie’s melting ice cream.

And once again, Jody has decided he must handle this again, On his own, and Mike, you guessed it. Mike must stay behind, again. But this time to make sure this works, Jody is locking Mike in his room and jamming the door with a screwdriver. For Mikes sake I hope there isn’t a fire. Because seriously that is a definite hazard.

You know what also is a definite hazard? Mikes solution for escaping his room.

Before we created a file for ourselves in our mind palace titled “Things you do not try, you saw in movies”, we used to have what we referred to as ‘Oh shit, that was awesome’ moments.

Mike is about to have one if not both of these. He is mad once more he that his bro is locking him away and headed out, possibly to his death, possibly to pick up for chicks, or overall just leave him behind. So he needs a solution to the locked door situation. Thankfully he still had pocketed away, a shotgun shell. Bot no shot gun.

He DOES however have a hammer. AND a thumb tack! Also duct tape because kids back then were a hell of a lot more prepared and also, mostly sought entertainment in anything so, you know. Any-way.

Mike cautiously without killing himself or losing his hands flattens the tack against the bottom of the shotgun shell. He then carefully tapes the bottom of the shell to the head of the hammer. He runs over to his door and with the lightest of tippity taps. He slams that mother trucker into the door hear its handle and fires off the shotgun shell. I’d explain further how that works if you couldn’t figure it out, but for the legality of my broke ass not wanting to get sued for your own stupidity we’ll just say it works because Jesus intended it to work.

At any rate, Mike is once again free to run wild. And so he does! He runs down the stairs and straight out the door. Only there at the door the Tall Man waits patiently for him. Grabbing him like a puppy by the back scruff of his jacket. Mike can only swing his arms wildly but can’t escape as he is lead into the Tall Man’s hearse, and the two are taking a nice drive to Morning Side.

But Mike is not going to go quietly. He is done crapping himself in fear and he has to let it pass through him. It’s time to nut up. It’s also time to ponder Mikes thought process. He tries kicking out the back window of the hearse but its too much for him. So he pulls out from his back, the super large pistol his brother gave him earlier. He shoots out the back window and boom that boy is on the road to safety.

 My concern here, or question rather. Is if mike had this gun, why didn’t he use it on his door? Or

Or….WAS THAT TOO DANGEROUS? WAS IT MIKE? WAS IT TOOOOO DANGEROUS TO SHOOT A 9MM AT YOUR DOOR? BUT NOT TOOOOOOOOOOOOO DANGEROUS TO MACGUVER A SHOTGUN SHELL TO BLOW OUT YOUR DOOR??

Anyway Mike escapes and the Tall Man decides he’s fed up with this world and crashes the hearse, because why not? If you were an eternal being not of this world, why not have fun with it and just yolo through a bunch of cars fucking with people.

Well soon enough the two brothers are now both in Morning Side once again and traveling through the marbled halls. Only a few steps away from each other. As Jody breaks into their fathers resting spot in the mausoleum. He wants to make sure of the same thing Mike would. That their parents are not part of the Tall Mans work force. Only Jody doesn’t get to look inside. Instead as Mike rounds the corner and discovers the coffin, his brother is missing. So he takes it on himself to look where his brother hadn’t. He lifts the coffin and finds it empty. His pants aren’t filled, but he is screaming at the realization somewhere out there, their fathers body is under the control of the Tall Man. But he can’t linger on this thought for too long. As the silver ball is back! He spots it and immediately takes off,he hasn’t come this far just to get his brains juiced by a ball!

As he takes off down the hall, he runs into Jody, who cocks his shotgun and the moment Mike is out of the way he fires off a round. Exploding the silver sphere of death!

But the surprises don’t end there. As Jody once more continues his trend of not asking how Mike got out and just accepting that he’s there. As the two contemplate a large door in front of them and if they should enter it. They get a jump scare from none other than Reggie!

The ice cream man lives!!

Mike is beyond happy for once “Reggie! You ain’t dead!” and Reggie gives us a fun, but also curious response of “No, and I ain’t three-foot-two yet either.”

Yet. Yet.

Me thinks it might be a slip in the script or possibly a slip in the lines because. Well. Lets get there. THIS TIME WE ARE TAKING OUR TIME GETTING THERE!

So the trio open the mystery door and find a large room stacked wall to wall with large black barrels, with tiny view windows. There are easily 130 if not more of these in the room, and toward the center of the room, at the one wall with no barrels sits two steel post. So of course Mike has to investigate, seriously imagine a time without video games and the internet, and you’ll understand why so many of us had injuries growing up and ‘adventures’.

As Reggie and Jody examine the containers, Mike is playing god. He reaches out between the two post and his hand vanishes. This is easily the coolest thing he’s ever seen so he repeatedly does this but no further. Until he hears the cute granddaughter in his head mumbling off about his earlier lesson on Fear. He decides to trust in her and her gram grams wisdom and reaches out into the void. Hanging out waiting for either a hand shake or a high five. What he gets instead is sucked through the void.

Now finding himself in a state of free fall over what can only be described as the Kansas of Hell, or Mars. A red of crumbled ground as far as the eye can see, and a line of Jawas moving barrels that have all neatly been stacked in one spot. But just as mike worries he will utterly destroy his last pair of good pants. He realizes he isn’t falling. That’s because his bro has his back, and managed to grab hold of his belt just in time. Pulling his ass up and back into our world.

I told you this was a wtf movie. I love it.

So based on what he saw, and what they found. Mike has a theory. Which I imagine some of us have a few of. He puts one and two together and figures that. The tallman must be taking the bodies, putting them in those containers, and sending them off to his world. Well they become not only jus slaves. But Jawa slaves.

Which brings back to question what I mentioned earlier with Reggie’s comment. As we hadn’t yet discovered how or what the Jawa’s are, why did he make the odd comment about not being 3ft 2 yet? Just seems kind of oddly specific to toss out there, unless they filmed that scene before this, or he’s just commenting on the fact there are Jawas. I dunno.

This whole series after this film gets super heavy into theories you’d be insane not to believe and that’s just from the second film.

Well it’s been a while since we had any fun hasn’t it? So the power suddenly goes out around them. The group is not amused but Mike thankfully remembers he has a lighter. So Jody tells him to light it, obviously! So when his light breaks the darkness, we find Mike face to face well, Face to hood with a jawa! And screams out as he and the Jawa begin fighting and darkness consumes the room again. Jody calls out for the others to follow him. Reggie says sure why not, lets do it. Only he needs a voice to follow so he calls out to Mike, only Mike doesn’t answer. The only answer he gets, is a monster growl, prompting an appropriate “Oh shit” from Reggie. But not an ‘Oh shit!’, just literally a not again ‘oh shit’. I love this movie.

Thankfully our trio somehow has made it out of the mortuary and its halls of mystery. Well. Reggie almost didn’t, actually. He did something the others never thought to do. Once the power comes back on just as mysteriously as it went out. Reggie places his hands on top of the steel post. As he does it triggers something. Drawing the attention immediately of the Tall Man. Suddenly the white room with barrells turns into the ultimate suck machine. Tossing barrels around and sucking them off into the void, While Reggie crawls across the floor and out the room to safety. See he made it!

He makes it out of the mortuary and bumps into the blonde! She’s back! And still searching for her panties!

Or is she?

No. She wasn’t. Perverts. But before Reggie can ask about said panties, the blonde stabs him in the gut! Reggie is down and immediately full of regret for letting panties once more lead him to a fate worse than death. That is until he has his mind blown seeing the beautiful blonde turn into the Tall Man. Now he has more. Many more questions as he lays there bleeding out.

Mike and Jody are able to find one another and rush to quickly find Reggie. Meanwhile the Morning Side house is beginning to glow and shake Before finally…..vanishing.

The two men stumble onto the body of reggie and though Mike demands they pick him up, Jody has no time for it. They take off and.

If you really need to guess, or wonder if Jody has suddenly changed his tune…

Yes. Jody heads back home. But. He. Has. A. Plan.

AGAIN!

He remembers an old abandoned mine shaft. It has a thousand foot drop. Jody has the idea to remove the warning barrier around the mine shaft and hide it, assuming they can get the Tall Man and his hearse to chase after them. He’ll trick him and crash the hearse down the shaft and straight to hell!

He juuuuust needs Mike to stay behind, gather ammo, stay safe, and wait for him.

Every single plan of his just. Yeah. Odd right?

Well Jody makes it his destination and sets about their final trick for the Tall Man. Meanwhile Mike is doing for once what his brother told him. Collecting ammo and oh hey the Tall Man.

THE TALL MAN!!!

Another iconic moment in horror and one that coined a phrase for many of us, Including my sister and I to joyfully repeat. As Mike takes off trying to escape the Tall Man he runs for the kitchen, finding it silent for once he tries to sneak out toward the front door. Only to find the back door thrown open. The Tall Man standing in the doorway grinning down at Mike he shouts out. “BOY!”, and the two are once again on a Benny Hill like chase through the woods.

As Mike runs from the ever calm looking Tall Man we get a nice little bit of praise from the Tall Man through voice over as he has no time to talk to us during his actual chase. “You play a good game, boy, but the game is dinished. Now you die!”

With that Mike finds his bath ahead blocked and he must face his fears.

Sensing a repeating theme here? If not, you got lost in asking too many logical questions. I warned you about that.

Mike once again remembers the cute granddaughter and Gram gram telling him to face his fear. And so he does. Pulling out a knife and turning to face the Tall Man. Who tries tricking him, appearing before Mike as the blonde. But Mike is smart enough to know, you never play ball on a field your brother already played on.

So he begins an epic knife fight! Which may not be as serious as fighting for your life with actual human cannibal Shia Labeouf. But its still scary man!

The two manage to end up once more chasing after one another only this time. It seems Mike has actually done his brothers hard work for him. He’s running straight for the mine shaft. At least close enough, and as they round a corner, The Tall Man finds himself falling into the unprotected mine shaft!

He growls and claws at the earth only to realize there is no escape. He falls into the pit and suddenly rocks are magically falling, filling the shaft until Jesus, or Jody places a rock large enough to cover the mine shaft holes entrance. Prompting Mike to look up as he see’s his brother, with arms raised in victory.

They did it! The Tallman is dead. Right? Well it looks that way, but I did mention, and have proven. This movie is a bit odd, so. Lets see what we got left in the tank.

As Mike stares up at his brother in celebration, we hear thunder clap, and suddenly. We are transported from outside back into the house. At the fireplace as Reggie, now alive and unharmed. Sits listening to Mike. He’s telling Reggie about the mine shaft and how the rocks buried the Tall Man. How he feels it wont be enough to keep the Tall man down for long.

But what’s more. He tells us how the Tall Man will still come back. How he took his parents, and he took Jody, and soon he’ll come to take him too.

Reggie comforts Mike and tries to reassure him. “Mike, that Tall Man of yours did not take Jody away. Jody died in a car wreck.”

Immediately the movie takes us back to the very beginning. Where we first saw Mike ride his bike through the cemetery. He wasn’t there for Tommy’s funeral. He was there for Jody’s. We see Mike standing over his brothers grave, crying as he pays his respects after the funeral service. Reggie rubs his back and tells Mike it was just a nightmare. He had a nightmare, dealing with the loss of his brother, trying to make sense of it. He tells him that he’s not alone and he’ll be alright. Mike hearing that looks up to Reggie and embraces him. The two hug it out and mourn Jody.

No Reggie is not going to turn into the Tall Man, or a Blonde looking for her Panties. This is it. Jody died, and Mike was dealing with the fact his entire family is now gone. The Tall Man a creation of his mind, the Jawas just from Star Wars, and the epic battle with the Fly, just a bit of undigested sausage. As Scrooge once said, there’s more gravy to you than the grave.

Reggie tearfully assures Mike, he can’t take Jody’s place, but he’s gonna try, and he will take care of him. He offers Mike to take him on a road trip for a few weeks. Something to clear their heads and try to help them both figure things out.

So Mike heads up to his room, beginning to pack some things to take with him. As he begins packing, we see in his door mirror the reflection of none other than the Tall Man, who bellows out one last “BOOOOY”. With that Mikes mirror crashes into pieces and Jawas grab him. Immediately sucking him into a black hole to god knows where, and with that. The movie ends.

The End

So. You have questions?

Was that all a ploy at the end by the Tall Man? Was he messing with Mike making him think he and his bro weren’t victorious?

How did Reggie die but now he’s back?

Who the hell actually died and is still alive?!

DID THE BLONDE REALLY EVEN LOSE HER PANTIES?!

Honestly? Some of that can be answered, but not a lot. Because just as it’s answered. It ends up turning itself on its head. Then goes a different way. Only to then prove a false negative and go another way.

That’s the beauty of Phantasm. You never have a real grip on anything. Everytime you think you do. Something happens and just rapidly changes gears. It’s known for that and is really part of its endearing charm.

At first I was confused as all hell when I saw the movie and just assumed, okay well obviously the end was just an illusion. It was a typical horror film twist. That was until the second film came out. Once that did well. The end of the first was indeed canon. Mike and Reggie are on a hunt for the Tall Man and his minions. The world is in chaos and these two are our only hope. After that, it just. Gets weirder, and weirder.

The more you watch the films, you begin to unravel more, and find more you missed the first time. Which, a lot of was done purposely. The film was a huge success and rightfully so. It was an odd cool ride with things we hadn’t seen at the time, and Angus Scrimm is just. A presence that is sadly missed. Honestly it’s both a shame and an odd gift we didn’t get nearly as many films with him as we should have. But having the few we do have, makes it more appreciative I think. The Tall man was a great character and a rare villain in that it appeared the most human and thankfully he never went the course of Jason and became a true monster. 

The whole series is a fun ride and you absolutely should check it out, especially with the recent set put out WHICH includes your very own silver sphere of joy! But now, we must talk about the thing I have been listening to for a while today and deserves a lot more than I will ever have words for.

The Music.

This was another album, the moment I had a solid system and beautiful speakers to play from I immediately looked up and purchased without hesitation regardless the price. It would be worth it no matter what. Whether the movie was your jam or not. If it made sense or confused you to hell and back. No one can deny that the music is a life essence all its own. It’s a force that rivals the Tall Man and just like with Michael Myers, I feel it gives strength to its protagonist. The music from Malcolm Seagrave and Fred Myrow is astonishingly beautiful. Perfect in every way. It’s legitimately the reason I hate doing tier list because it’s just so damn good it rivals films I would put in a top ten and leads the pack by a country mile for me. It’s something I can say when I hear come up on my playlist, I will stop it, and immediately load up the entire album. I can’t just do a single track. I need the full story. Which the music is and helps to tell.

I wont say the music made the movie. But I can say it certainly elevated it and pumped yellow life blood through its surreal other worldly form.

Tracks like “Mineshaft Chase” just drip badass. It’s the heavier version of the main title theme and traditionally not what you’d expect or play for a chase scene of all things. I mean Mike running from the Tall Man, you’d expect something intense and terrifying. What we got instead is the equivalent of a metal ass kicking track done with Synth tracks. It gets your heart pumping and head bobbing. Your not just in the chase, your digging the hell out of it. It’s like experiencing a music video for the first time and falling in love with it. It starts out so heavy dark. Then feathers off ever so slowly into something of hope.

It’s the exact same vibe as the movie. It’s a puzzling interesting jam that just pulls you into what you already started walking into.

And god, don’t get me going on “Silver Sphere Disco”, I know Disco Jason is the premiere Disco beat. It’s the funkiest Friday theme, I said that, and I stand by it.

But man alive Silver Sphere Disco is the funky uncle to the young blood Disco Jason. It’s great fun hearing the main theme repurposed as a disco song for the cantina bar scene and was the first time I’d heard that done in a film growing up. It wouldn’t be until I saw Nightbreed and heard Danny Elfmen do a country version of one of his own Oingo Boingo songs that I’d hear something as cool as this again.

I could go down the entire track list and list each one as my favorite, one after the other because it all just picks up such odd vibes that make each track stand up. It’s a true journey of sound as we go from something like our intro into the Phantasm world with the main title theme, Synth melodies played out over a few repeating beats and a shifting scale. To suddenly having our asses thrown into another galaxy with a sci fi buzzing track ‘Spacegate to Infinity”, bringing out messing with wave forms and oscillating creating a real science fiction track in the middle of our horror, But we aren’t done there. We then bring in the drum circle for ‘Under the Car’!!

There’s just a lot going on throughout the entire album that would otherwise feel completely insane anywhere else! But This is Phantasm. It just works. It belongs.

That’s not even touching on the church organ tracks mind you. The score is just so well put together, it absolutely deserves play, after play, after play.

The continually used theme through each track from the main theme. Much like Jaws for me, it is the shark. Just like Superman’s theme IS Superman, they’ve yet to find a theme past that one to work for him, for good reason. Phantasm without this score, would still be an insane beautiful ride. But man would it absolutely be a different trip without this score.

You absolutely need, not should. But need to check it out for yourself, get lost in some music, pick it up however you can and just slap your headphones on. Give it a spin and no regrets.

Imagine hearing it and thinking you had a cool life spent outside your home having adventures and traveled other dimensions instead of talking trash on some kid in Fortnite.

Anywho. I mean what I said. Check out the film and the score, please. It absolutely deserves it as does all and any projects from Don Coscarelli. The man is a great mind and entertainer. Please watch, and until tomorrow. Remember to always question blondes trying to get you to bang in cemeteries. It sounds like a good time, but in the end we all regret our life choices. Especially when it tries to stab you.