Spooktober Day 4 Killer Workout!!

Day 4  Killer Workout

You knew what this was. What we were getting into.

She’s a knockout! Let it rock out, scream and shout. Get your spandex on and thrust up into the air like you are the worlds most enthusiastic power bottom.

Also don’t trust tanning beds. Ever.

That’s right it’s time for Killer Workout!

Another fun video store oddity.

A horror film taking place in a gym, mostly filled with scenes of breast bouncing, spandex gyrations and workout thrust that…well it’s not even work out routines, it’s just simulated child birth, ghost fucking and spandex smothered vaginas.

Am I being gross or accurate? Maybe both. But more so highly accurate. The only thing this film didn’t do(which is shocking) is just put a cameraman directly between a womans legs while she worked out.

By the way this is a horror movie.

How do we know it is and not a porno? Well the beginning opens up with a very innocent woman stripping down to her thong and laying on a tanning bed. Where something goes horribly wrong and she ends up burning alive.

Then we get some nice rock and, women stretching, working out and thrusting in spandex. I believe Stephen King at one time said “I have seen the future of horror, and it’s Killer Workout” granted he was nose skiing off the cocaine alps on his desk but. I am sure it still stands.

Now something of note about our killer in this film. They use a unique weapon, sort of.

See. Jason had his machete, Freedy his glove. Leatherface his chainsaw. This killer uses a…an oversized safety pin.

 Of all things to be a killers weapon. I mean it works right? But yeah. Points for originality.

So we begin with the unfortunate burning of a topless lady in a tanning bed. Then tragedy strikes Rhondas Gym as a woman taking an extra long moan worthy shower ends up stabbed with said extra large safety pin.

It’s here we are introduced to Detective Brando. Called such because he seems intent to do his best Brando impression, informing us all that we’re going to be seeing a lot more of him. Which would be a serious threat to the killer and a good message to us. If not for the fact immediately after said scene we go back to women in spandex working out and hips waggling, bucking into the floor in penetrating thrust. Some of these poses are legitimate Yoga poses, The others just. Seem. Well a choice.

I would say back to the murder but. We are greeted to a few minutes of this working out, more fun music and occasional mixes of an angry Rhonda Johnson arguing with her class instructor, and a muscle bound tiny shorts guy working for her now.

This is made clear to us in a great scene of filmmaking as he pulls out from his duffle bag a folded note which is supposed to be a note stating he now works for her. But instead it’s a blank piece of paper the camera stays way too long on. Now I say blank piece of paper, but its entirely possible it was written in very light pencil.

But thankfully we don’t linger too long as we have more things to establish with Tiny shorts. Like he can hold his own in a fight. We discover this as he heads outside and is nearly hit by a car trying to park and finding himself in a fist fight with another trainer….gym patron. Person. Which becomes a spectator sport as one of the ladies from the gym decided to sit and watch while in her hot pink top and white fishnet complete with matching pink spandex and white outside thong.

It’s great because, well low budget filmmaking. She offers him a ride to her place(we assume) and they share a diet coke and polite conversation at her poolside. Where he uses her outside phone. Which people have. If you had a 100ft phone cord to have a phone outside on a table by your pool. It’s the quickest romance of all cinematic history as she excuses herself to change while he makes a call. Only to return in an 80’s oversized stiff as cardboard blazer. Which she removes when he says he needs to return to the gym as he has a lot of work to do there, and she informs him ‘I think you have a lot of work to do here too.”, again. I promise this is not a porno. But it easily could have been. As she takes the blazer off and shows us she opted to change from hot pink spandex into a blue shiny bikini, to seduce Tiny shorts. Which she seems to do with great success.

Meanwhile back in our movie. Detective Brando is hot on the trail of a lead, or employee. He actually doesn’t really specify other than. He’s simply following up ‘something’. Which involves him pounding away mercilessly at the girls door, rightfully scaring her. His pounding only intensifies as he fears apparently that this girl is in danger. For reasons. But all is lost as the girl he scared with his creepy knocking pushes her right into the safety pin murderer. Who leaps out a tall window and we see skitter off in their mens denim and black sweater complete with murder gloves and ski mask.

These are important facts for later.

As the bodies begin piling up, and tensions rise with the police. How anyone can think to still gyrate their hips and thrust their hips in the gym is beyond everyone.

But we finally get a scene that would’ve been really appropriate had they stuck with the original title of the film.

Three youths decide to vandalize the outside of the gym, because why not? They do so by marking it with what would become later a title for another gym horror movie “Death Spa”, and another 20 year old kid tags the window with the original title for the film “Aerobicide”, which again would’ve been the “Ah ha!” moment in the film, had it stuck with that title.

Well our killer has pride in this gym of gyration apparently as they chase down and kill these three 20 year old troublesome children. The male of the group gets a safety pin death while his two female pals end up knifed. I guess not everyone is safety pin approved.

But before you wonder if you are watching a serious horror film or not, as the bodies are being put into body bags by the authorities. We hear the gym music startup and YES! Back to more gyrating hips, thrusting vaginas and. Well you know the routine.

But the movie wants to throw a twist at us! So we have two random sudden deaths in the spa!! What’s even better about these, is Tiny shorts stops mopping the locker room to investigate the weight room only to discover the two bodies! No sooner does he do this though. Does another person. The man he fought earlier pop out and immediately assume he had something to do with it, so out come the fist of justice.

But don’t worry. It literally goes nowhere. As the police arrive, Tiny shorts isn’t blamed or questioned for the murders. Instead he’s let go with a warning from Brando “To think you only started working here yesterday:” Riveting stuff.

But get ready. Because this film is beginning to go off the rails! NO we aren’t getting another workout scene. Instead we ACTUALLY DO get the detective approaching someone to question them. But not Tiny shorts. Instead he was going to question Fist of Justice. But he needs to go out first and sadly Fist of justive ends up a victim of the safety pin.

So now that we had another death, we can put you back on track for yes. Yes you got it. Spandex workouts!

It’s honestly part of the films…………………………………………………………………………………………………charm.

Honestly it’s just funny how oddly made this entire film is and yet makes it all feel like something best experiences with alcohol and friends. There IS a story in there! Somewhere. But where I can’t say. All I know is people get pinned, hips gyrate and thrust. Music plays.

It’s almost experimental. But it’s also wash rinse repeat.

So now that Fist of justice is gone, Detective Brando has no choice but to immediately go back and assume Tiny shorts is the killer. Because “Things seem to have picked up since you got here.” Never minding the two deaths before hand.

But what’s really odd in this whole thing. Is nearly 40 minutes in. We get more story. Like they realized they had to give something to keep you guessing as to the killers identity and reason.

Which leads to the best scene of the movie. Well one of. But it’s worth while.

Tiny shorts decides to become an investigator and we get a shot of him wondering through a home. No idea who’s. But the house has multiple revolvers, knives, and even a murder board. Yep, pictures on a wall showing off each of the dead and yet to be murdered.

Soon after, he steps out to a pool and begins watching Rhonda swimming. Because Jimmy was looking at her weirdly. But he’s not the only one there.

Suddenly from behind him comes Roidrage. Throwing punches like it’s a video game. I mean rapid body punches making no contact what so ever, and slinging Tiny shorts around like a rag doll, several times. Delivering knockout uppercuts, 20 punch combinations and ragist fist of fury in a blinding flurry.

Until we get to Tiny shorts being interrogated while bleeding on a couch by Brando and Rhonda. Where we then discover the home he broke into and searched was…Jimmy’s!

So now we have a possible murder safety pin suspect! Apparently his room had stacks upon stacks of pictures of Rhonda, so Tiny shorts was concerned for her and decided to watch her at the pool. I’d buy that for a dollar!

But don’t get used to the story. We have more bodies to kill. Seriously how many people work at this gym? Seriously! More deaths, more spandex breast. But we are getting somewhere! Between all this. We are coming up on one mystery to be solved.

We have a back shot of one figure. With a very burnt scalp, readying a wig. Who ever could this be?!

Valerie Johnson!!

Who’s that? Oh right, Rhonda!

But as Detective Brando tells us, she was once Valerie Johnson! The most people girl in the valley! Until she was burned in a tragic fire, burning over 75% of her body 5 years ago and changing her name to Rhonda Johnson, exacting revenge on those who ran the….well no. Not the revenge part but. Well we’ll leave it open.

Speaking of open, she decides to flash her. Burned Freddy Kreuger breast. For. Reasons? I guess? Question mark?

It’s an odd, wonderful, silly scene that just makes the movie even that much more an experience to behold. So is she the killer? Well Detective Brando seems to believe so. Until the radio tells him there’s been another murder and a suspect nearby. So he takes off to chase down the Fist of Fury from earlier who beat up poor Tiny Shorts.

It’s an amazingly dull chase, but a needed one, as we’re nearing the films stunning conclusion. Two men running, chasing! Firing guns 8 feet apart from each other and missing wildly.

He does eventually get his man. Even shakes him down. Because he KNOWS this guy didn’t do it, or at least didn’t do it alone. He’s obviously covering for Rhonda right? Right?! Well he doesn’t get an answer as Fist of fury punches the revolver from his hands and knocks out poor Brando. Instead Fist heads back to the gym intent on. Either celebration getting away with murder sex? Or revenge murder death kill of Rhonda Burntbreast.

We again, sadly. Will never now. As he arrives at the gym, while Rhonda showers, and once he turns on the lights seeing her. Rhonda pulls out a revolver and shoots him. Only THEN giving us a revolution as to events. Which is Fist of Fury killed one of the ladies to protect Rhonda, because he love her. Like lots. But too bad, he gotta die!

BUT! It! Is! Still! Not! Over!!

A much more aware and had time to think about life, Detective Brando, takes Miss Rhonda out for a drive, to a wooded forest, with a shovel. Because why not. It’s then AND ONLY then we get some more backstory that. Just…I mean it’s there and they needed to pad things out.

But he has decided Rhonda needs to die! He’s a cop, a damn FINE cop, as was his father and fathers father! But he must cross that line he swore never to cross! He must kill her to stop the murders he knows she commited, even if everyone else things she killed the killer Mr Fist of Fury. He WILL STOP HER!

And she bashed his head in with the shovel, leading us into her heroic return to the gym and yes, you guessed it. One more work out montage!!

But no we have more!

She wasn’t the killer! She was an innocent!!! The real killer….was some…blonde..the one who seduced Tiny shorts!! She was the safety pin killer!

Roll Credits!

And show us all the thrusting grinding vaginal thrust and breast bouncing gym scenes during those credits!!

They really wanted to milk all they could of those scenes, and milk them they did.

Does it distract though?

That’s the real question. I mean does it ruin the movie having those? God. Does it ADD to the movie?!

The answer to both of these. Is no. The scenes are very blatantly there to show you ass in the face, thrusting chest, bucking hips and nylon thong crotches. With the same song playing throughout. But the way the scenes are used…

It’s the equivalent of being a screaming baby, and your mother suddenly pulling out and shaking a rattle to calm you. Then getting freaked out again, and bam out comes the rattle. It just happens at such odd moments it makes you laugh and roll your eyes wondering ‘what the hell is this doing here? How does this fit in with anything!” It just adds to the fun honestly. The movie already borders on the obscene and barely pieced together sense that it ‘is’ a film. Adding in synth pop with nylon bodies thrusting. It just works. Of course it makes it entertaining too.

It’s not scary in the slightest. The kills aren’t especially gory or spectacular. They happen, we get jazzercise and then move on. What gets it included on this months list is like the rest. It was one of those deceptive films that had fun cover art. These films invested more into the cover art and posters it felt than the film itself cost. But made these films were, and rented they would be. It’s not especially corny, or cheesy. It plays itself pretty seriously. Which makes the gym scenes even wilder!

But it’s still good enough for a rental. But it aint no Death Spa. Check it out!