Spooktober Day 21 House of Usher!!!

Day 21

The House of Usher

Re-imaginings can go well foe you, or they can go horribly wrong.

It can turn into John Carpenter’s The THING, or the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street.

But rarely. Very rarely does it blow away both those options and transcends into absurd genius, with Donald Pleasance.

This movie has never, until recently been made available on disk. It was lost to the ages with the death of video stores. But the internet has returned to us, a very trippy retelling, synth scored Edger Allen Poe story with Oliver Reed, Donald Pleasance, and produced by none other than Harry Allen Towers.

Lets strap in, or strap on if you feel the need. No judging here, and get right into this big bowl of jello goodness.

 

What better way to begin an 80’s telling of an 1839 short story, than with synth rock and just went jogging sweaty panty sex. Seriously 3 minutes in and we have a couple who think running 6 miles, sweating up a storm, is the perfect time to skip showering, drink champagne and dog down for dirty stinky sweaty sex.

People lived on this place called the edge back then.

So our couple eventually shower and pack for a trip to her fiance’s family house. Off for a weekend with his father and whoever else might be hanging out there. It looks like a nice drive through the country. Though it’s cut short as her husband has a sudden and painful migraine while driving and they crash. Leaving her little choice but to run out and seek help.

Leading her conveniently to a very large castle estate. With incredibly questionable people.

First there’s Riffraff the butler. She informs him there’s been an accident and she needs to help her fiancé, he responds “I’ve already contacted the authorities”, well. That was fast. Magenta soon comes down the grand stairwell and informs her that she has a room ready and she may rest there. Also rather convenient. But she’s cool with it. Just figuring they think she’s super awesome.

I mean if you want to get into it, Belle came into the Beast castle and was given a full song and dance show with her meal, and did so without question. Everything talked in that movie and I can assure you, so did her chamber pot. Let that image sink in your mind.

 

So Janet is cool with her castle room, which has some modern technology waiting inside it. Like a hair dryer, curler, makeup and jewelry set.

She waste no time digging into this and making herself presentable in her 80’s deluxe outfit. What is that you ask? Its puffy frilly and layered. A blue strapless dress with large bow in the back, puffy. And a puffy frilly skirt bottom. Coupled with a waist high warn frilly fluffy black lace skirt with the top warn just under her first outfits top.

Which was the style. Apparently.

But Magenta informs her that the outfit is not suitable for dinner, let alone anyone living. She also informs her not to wear any perfume or makeup.

All of this because her host, the head of the castle has bad headaches, and bright colors bring them out in him, as do strong scents. So she removes all makeup, perfume and her dress. Opting for a much simpler velvet prune colored dress.

We also learn a bit of backstory, mostly that the house was built on a marsh and is therefore sinking. Which is unfortunate as the house doesn’t look all that terrible. I mean it’s painted a very strong power blue, its holding skeletons in the closet and lurking family members. Speaking of family.

If you haven’t figured it out, Allow me to help. Riffraff and Magenta, are all house staff working for a man she calls Uncle If you think him having nasty headaches like her husband is an odd coincidence. Before you say “I bet he’s the father and it’s a secret!” Well it’s not a secret. He is who they were headed out to see. So not only is the family loaded. They’re also weird rich. Which seems a thing sadly with rich people and something I always wondered about. When people become rich. They seem to get weird, or evil. Lots of wealthy people turn out having deep secrets and could easily be people you’d expect watching people die in the Squid Games.

 

So he tells her not to call him Uncle Franky, but simply Frankenfurter.

It’s a polite enough dinner, though he certainly hasn’t had much experience dining with, the poor. But he tries his best to find out more about her. Such as why she chose to become a barber for a career. Which she corrects him on and says she is a stylist. That was  unfortunate. So he tries for round 2. Asking her about her family. Where we find out her mother sells Avon. He gives a confused look before understanding that ‘ah yes, the poor’, well he’s just striking out left and right. But we have one more hail mary play he can toss her way. Which he uses to correct himself. What he REALLY meant to ask her about her family was, “Are they healthy?” Which is a rather odd thing to ask but hey, here we are faced with it. Wisely Columbia comes by with the wine. Bless the pressed grapes!

 

But she is a bit of a clutz and rather awkwardly and purposely she ends up spilling over the wine glass onto the table. Upsetting dinner, Frankenfurther, and ending the dinner scene. She’s not the best at her job sadly. But she gets off easy compared to magenta. Who Riffraff informs ‘You can’t cook, you are a terrible house keeper, and we expect better!” Well that says a lot coming from people working in a swamp castle that’s slowly sinking.

She tries to tell him off, but he decides to grab her hand and force it into a hand cranked meat grinder, where he begins grinding out meat as she screams. Columbia comes into the kitchen and reasonable has some questions about what the hell is going on. But we soon see Riffraff never actually shoved her hand in the grinder. He was only teaching her a lesson and grinding out meat that was simply meat, and not human meat.

 

Enough of the house drama though, do you like ghost? I hope so because we’re about to get into some ghost. Not literally, though that’s not entirely off the table either. Just sayin.

While Janet changes into some old timey night dress for the evening, she settles into a bed without her fiancé, I guess she’s fine without having heard anything from him. But she can’t sleep. So off she goes to roam the large castle. Because it is not often you get too. But as she does, we hear some ghastly ghost voices, women calling out to her from beyond the grave. Leading her somewhere. Where? Well a large room with a mysterious human shaped figure on a stone slab with a cloth over the human shaped body.

Which turns out indeed to be a body.

A human body.

Her fiancé’s human body!!

 

Understandably she has questions. Thankfully Frankenfurter is there, for reasons. To answer these questions. Like “I thought you said he was at the hospital!” He quietly mutters out as is his way of speaking, that yes he did go to the hospital, and then they released the body to him. There simply wasn’t anything more that could be done, so he is simply gone. Sadly. So she is simply going to have to move on, while accepting the help of Frankenfurter and his staff. In their humble home, and endure his speeches about women playing such an important and motherly role in the Usher family.

 

Well she’s got plans now. BIG plans. Plans like getting the hell out of that castle and back home. To mourn her fiancé. Or get away from these odd people. Either is a good excuse honestly. But Magenta over hears her calling for a cab and decides this won’t do. So she spikes some tea and hands it to Janet. But Janet is a crafty bird. She called a cab company telling them to make haste and get her the hell out of there! So as she hears a very old style cab which can’t be anything else other than an honest cab. She rushes out of the house and right into the cab. Demanding it drive her to an airport. But the driver is a rather familiar raggedy haired housekeeper. Yes its our beloved RiffRaff. So she’s screwed. Forced back into the house and passing out.

Could things get worse or more questionable? Absolutely. After the house shakes rattles and sinks a bit more into the swamp. She’s up and attempting another escape. This time she runs into a new face on the castle grounds. Dr Scott. Whom is also not the most helpful man. He also in fact, has his own agenda. A rather horrible pervy one at that. Well one he makes rather pervy.

For reasons we are left to only guess at. He is instructed to examine her, by Frankenfurter. Which he makes as pervy as possible. Commenting on how athletic she is, and built. Staying in the room as she undresses. Thankfully we see nothing, but a fade to black. Then we see stirrups. Indicating it was a very thorough examination. The doctor even confirms this as he tells Frankenfurter “She’s perfectly fine. In fact, she’s even ovulating.”, Which makes Frankenfurter happy. It’s only then he divulges his plans to Janet. Informing her that, his bloodline. His family. Is dying. And he is in desperate need of a wife. To bare a son for him to continue the Usher line. So she is chosen, out of haste. He also apologizes for her having to endure that exam. Well at least he is being polite about taking over the husband role.

However Janet will have none of it. He can’t fathom what could be wrong with her being stripped down and examined by a doctor perving on her so he could test her health and fertility before a forced marriage and conception. So he instantly believes it must be the doctors fault. Which the doctor is a bit of a dick. He informs Frankenfurter that at their age, if he’s unable to ‘do the job’ that perhaps he could use a stand in. Someone such as himself. Well this upsets Frankenfurter naturally. How dare this man perv on the woman AND offer to fornicate in his place. This will not stand. So he ask RiffRaff to take care of the doctor for him. Which RiffRaff does.

 

And oh you are not ready for this. Riffraff commands the doctor to strip. Putting him on a table bare ass naked, bringing in a caged rat. Informing him that the rat hasn’t eaten in days, that it’s practically starved. To which he places the cage over his groin and oh. It’s not done yet. He removes the bottom of the cage and. We see the good doctors bait and tackle in all its hairy glory. Until a rat leaps onto it and chows down on some dick and balls.

Yep. He dies from the rat feasting on his dangus.

This movie is intense and moving.

Speaking of moving. It’s a little troubling just how quickly she goes along with things here. I mean I can understand feeling trapped, then literally being trapped. But her general actions all seem to be of the attitude “Screw it, while in Rome I guess.”

But it is leaving a lot unanswered for. To add to this though, because it is important. She’s made to pay respects to her late fiancé. As she stands beside his stone coffin though. We see his eye move and try to open. Which prompts Frankenfurter to stare uneasily. Forcing them to end the viewing and skip straight to the ceiling Brad in his stone coffin and moving on to prepare for the wedding.

Thankfully this leaves us some time to explore the castle, and honestly some pretty creepy visuals. Like a wall shooting out arms of the dead. Ghostly children roaming the halls leading to chambers of horror.

More importantly. To Donald Pleasance. Being his weirdest and most amazing.

As we meet him. He’s disheveled, looking like a peasant carpenter straight out of the late 1800’s. He’s working on carving statues and wax molds. His fingernails are gross and oversized. He wears gloves to help his crippled fingers, and has a drill mounted to his right arm. What he uses to make his carvings. He’s the most sympathetic character to Janet. He’s dying and anciently old. Referring to himself as a mirror of what will become of her child, and would have become of Brad has he lived and stayed in the house. Telling her it’s a curse of their family. That they all eventually rot away into madness and monsters.

What’s more important is that he tells her he saw Frankenfurter pull Brad out of the car! That they killed him! He’s doing all he can to be honest with Janet as he really does wish better on her. Where Frankenfurter wants to continue the family Usher’s bloodline, he wants to see it end.

He wants to help her escape. The two of them. Even if he looks like he wouldn’t be able to survive a single flight of stairs. She agrees to it. But he has something he tells her he needs to do first. And Janet herself wants to see if her feelings are right, and that Brad is still possibly alive. She swears she saw him move though Frankenfurter assured her he was super dead.

As the house literally begins to fall more apart in front of them, Janet struggles to fight being sedated, drugged and her tea ruined by the housing staff. Which isn’t easy as they’re pretty good at it by now. But even though she escapes tea that was heavily drugged. Riffraff nabs her with an old timey needle and juices her up good.

Why you ask though? Because. Time is of the essence, and a man’s gotta do what a sick mans gotta do. That’s right. Frankenfurter wants her drugged so he can ‘perform’ his husbandly duties with her. In a shower no less.

Which he does. Rather roughly. Or so it seems. As we escape the rapey scene in the bathroom we find Janet moaning in pain on the bed asleep. So. Perhaps it never happened?

No it did. She’s just having a bad dream now. Which is the weirdest but coolest horror dream.

 

She’s having an 80s nightmare wedding dream. Walked down the isle by Riffraff, the room consumed in fog. All the guest are ghost and dead bodies of the Usher family line, and her recently departed fiancé.  Complete with a rock guitar track and synth. Leading to a cool and creepy family photo after the wedding.

All through the dream wedding, she looks distant, sedated and out of her mind. While everyone else cheers and smiles happily. As she joins with the house of Usher, over the casket of dead Brad.

Truly just the prewedding jitters.

Well when she wakes. She decides that if she’s going to marry a pervy roofie happy horny old man, she’s doing it as a last battle. He hates perfume? Well she’s going to spray a full bottle on herself. She grabs the sharpest thing she can and heads off to the indoor mausoleum, hoping to work on uncovering the grave of Brad Majors.

Meanwhile Donald Pleasance is going full hog with his escape plan promise and final act. He starts by beheading Magenta and placing her head on a plate of boiled potatoes. Scaring Columbia and Riffraff. Frankenfurter is not amused by this, and the house is now officially on full alert.

It’s also on baby watch apparently too as a baby carriage is presented to Janets room. Which is horrific as inside there is a severed hand, as she screams she turns to her dresser mirror. Which then suddenly is splattered in gushes of blood. As we discover Magentas body sitting in the chair. Oh! It’s just Mr. Pleasance setting up a murder scene for the others to find in her room. No biggie.

Well it is to Janet, who ask him Just what the heck is he thinking! How could he do that to her. She thought he liked her. She liked him. Mr. Pleasance declares “She never liked me!” and I’m getting my movies confused. But at any rate he tries drilling janet because you see he’s rather insane.

So now, stalked by a drill happy Donald Pleasance, a rapey old man, and who knows what else in this house. Janet soldiers on. She won’t rest until she knows for sure Brad is dead and gone!

 

But we need to return to Mr. Pleasance. Because he is truly a treasure in this film. Seriously, crazy Pleasance is a treasure in any role. He plays it perfectly. Always.

Columbia is curiously enjoying the makeup she finds on Janets dresser. Having never been allowed to wear any herself before. She begins applying lipstick to herself, in the worst way imaginable. Even using it as rouge, and on her forehead, and eyes. Lord only knows why. Meanwhile behind her in the next room. Donald is dancing a marry ballroom dance, as his drill vibrates and turns . He spots Columbia and dances his way over to her. When he notices the lipstick all over her face he looks curiously over her, taking her by the hand and leading her to his work space. Which she is not happy about. He cheerfully sings, drill still running as he drags her upstairs. Telling her he wishes to see her smile, but she screams out as he. Well he has a drill hand what do you expect?

Poor Janet discovers her body, cheeks removed, drill left humming beside her body, lodged halfway in her skull. Apparently he’s VERY crazy, but happy while being so.

Riffraff is losing his collective shit entirely now. Frankenfurter is tired of all this madness and wants to finalize their marriage. While also grossing us out by telling Janet about how she has taken his seed and it has taken fully. How she and he will parent a full generation of Usher children. Naturally she is against this, and rightfully so. He doesn’t want her hurting him, as her perfume is already sickening him. So he decides to start delivering some burns of his own. Telling her how he DID bury his son alive. It’s a tradition in their family even. He gets so worked up he even calls her a bitch! A right proper cussing! “You’ll either bare my children or die a barber!” he’s old so he doesn’t fully grasp the whole hairstylist vs Barber thing.

Well she has had enough of this. She had a secret weapon hidden between her breast. A bottle of Perfume! Which she bashes upside his thick skull. Bathing him in perfume. Which immediately pisses him off and triggers what has to be and I can imagine, the worst migraine of his life.

That is until Crazy Pleasance returns to remind us he’s still here, crazy and wanting to take down this whole family. So we get it, and get it good!

We get Frankenfurter fighting crazy Pleasance, all while the house is falling apart. Literally. Shelves are slamming onto the ground. Walls are crumbling apart. Stone coffins are cracking open. What? Oh yeah. Brad’s coffin has busted open. So it’s time to check on her still possibly dead, alive, mostly dead fiancé.

Whom she finds napping in his coffin, looking like a vampire from Once Bitten, another great film. Well he’s alive! Or a vampire> Eitherway score on for the good guys right?

Though I don’t know if that’s true.

 

I mean he comes from a twisted family, that tried to marry his fiancé and possibly knocked her up. Is he really worth saving? Well apparently so as he hasn’t become fully crazy. Though he does have the migraines. He’s just most likely to turn crazy later in life. I’d recommend keeping the drills away from him. Also no large family plans.

 

Well Riffraff is pissed and wants to kill Brad. Why? Well that’s a big final twist of the film. You see. Mr. Pleasance? He’s Brads father! And Frankenfurter was the Uncle taking care of him, claiming his father was dead. So Riffraff wants Brad dead because Crazy Pleasance killed Magenta and Columbia. So it only makes sense. However Brad says nuts to this and he and Janet fight Riffraff. Eventually over powering him and ending his reign of terror. No more feeding dicks to rats!

But just as they make their escape Frankenfurter lunges out and attacks Brad. The two are locked in an eternal struggle with one another and Brad tells her to leave. Go on without him. Which she does. Let’s be honest. She is done with this house and she can find another guy with a less crazy ass family. Possibly.

Though she escapes, We get one last scare! She sighs relaxing, which is always a bad sign in a horror film, and just as she thinks its over. Frankenfurter leaps out a glass window onto her! AAAAH! Super scary.

 

But worst of all, or better. I think possibly worse for those not fans of twist. We get one more final twist. It’s definitely a choice too. Just as Janet was suddenly attacked by Frankenfurter. The film suddenly cuts from that scene too……we are back in the car. As Brad is driving down the road and realizes they might be lost. Yep. It was all a dream. As we are right at the moment just before the crash, and Instead of soldiering ahead. Janet opts for them to turn back. Possibly escaping the fate that awaits them. Possibly doomed to repeat it forever in a hellish loop. Who’s to say. Who knows. And with that, as well as two ghost children on the road watching the car drive off. We end our movie experience.

 

As with these other 20 films, it was indeed an experience. Albeit a fun one for sure. It was decent horror with little blood. Again like the previous film, something of a throwback and modern twist on old hammer style gothic horror. With cool music and some good acting all around. None of them felt forced or out of place. They all played their parts well and the dialog was even well done on top of that. I just have some minor issues with Janet and her acceptance of the situation. But once you realize it was a foreboding dream. Well it makes sense in a way.

It’s a great film and glad to see it’s available on bluray. It’s another one of those the cover art gets you, and a gem you are glad to have checked out.

This was during an interesting era of horror. The 80’s were sort of the 2020’s of the time in regards to film releases. Back then horror was THE thing, so distributors were willing to back any and everything. I mean it. If you had a camera and shot a film with friends. There would be someone willing to distribute it. Much like Netflix grabbing up any and all content it can and hoping it lands more successes vs failures. That’s how projects like this arrived, and also horrible horrible crap no one should’ve ever witnessed. Like Feeders. Which we will not be discussing. Ever.

So the box art which was classy fun. Much like Cthulu Mansion, Involved a corpse and house. But this one added a nice shot of Janets head as well. And the corpse is from a Still shot in the film of a womans corpse with a necklace Janet would later wear. All with the Usher castle underneath. It was spooky and interesting enough to pick up. So of course it’s still worth checking out! Stream it, rent it, buy or borrow it if you can. You won’t regret giving it a look.

 

 

 

Donnie RobertsComment