Spooktober Day 20 CTHULU MANSION!!!

Day 20

Cthulu Mansion

You wanna get weird? Okay. Let’s get weird!

I’m talking really weird. Like the kind of weird where you go to make a drug deal and decide. Let’s do it at an amusement park! But when that deal goes bad? You decide to kidnap a magician and his daughter and hide out in their home until things simmer down kinda weird. I’m talkin Cthulu Mansion weird!

Because that, that’s literally what the premise is for this ‘movie’, it’s a great heaping pile of burnt cheese. It’s got terrible fun acting! Effects that’ll break the mind! Music that will make you think you’re watching an old VHS of your grandmothers Soap Operas! It’s also got magic!!

This films got it all!

So grab your blanket, get ready for some spookies, and don’t turn the light out unless you are insane!

This movie begins with effects straight off the creepy Halloween screams and howls cd!!

So here we go, beginning with a scream, and a magic act.

A satanic act. Because I know from being a kid those were the best kind of magic acts at amusement parks. We have the great magician Chandu, or Shindu depending what actress or actor talks to him. Performing a satanic ritual, reading from the school project crafted book “Cthulu”. His lovely wife and assistant is giving us a glimpse into the nether realm as she hovers above a stage table. But as he reads from the book of Cthulu, he apparently didn’t read the warning that ‘this spell summons deadly fire.’, because that’s exactly what he gets! His wife is consumed in deadly fire, head to toe and the audience runs to the box office for an immediate refund. Prompting the movie to give us a soft piano orchestrated flashback showing this couple in happier times, as well as them visiting your local boostore and finding the Cthulu magic book, which looks like it’s maybe 10 pages long, and priced at $45.99 like any honest Barnes and Noble book that size.

Well we can’t have everything be dark and depressing all the time. So we have to show we’re at an amusement park and show off some of these rides.

But also, and more comically. We have to show the drug deal. Which takes place on a horror ride. Yep. Amusement park drug deals take place on The Tunnel of Horrors folks.

Which doesn’t go so well, as the ‘punk’ in charge of the purchase of said drugs, decides to stab the seller of said drugs. Never a good way to begin a drug deal. Believe me. So after dumping the body onto the tracks, our lead punk tells his girlfriend(Whom is played by Melanie Shatner of Subspecies II&III as well as two Star Trek Films) to CHILL out! But there will be no chilling as she apparently knows he has a tendency to screw things up and stab people. But he assures her that the drug dealer tried stabbing HIM first. But she’s not buying it. She knows all too well when left in the dark with him, he’s the one to do the stabbing.

There’s a lot of punks here and they all have names so we should get them all out of the way right now.

We have Stabby the boyfriend

Eve the Girlfriend

Cocaine Bob the junky who can’t eat a hot dog

His lady friend Shit Stir-fry

Eve’s brother Denim Dave

So now that we know these punk kids we can move along with our story. Which is going places. Mostly to the parking lot as Stabby tries securing a ride out of there. But local law enforcement is no joke here. They’re ready to waste any teenage punk for any reason. But Stabby stays true to his namesake and the poor guard is taken out. Prompting Eve to reconsider dating men with stabbing issues named Stabby.

But Eve isn’t alone. She has her brother with her. Denim Dave, and he’s doing what he can to be useful and hotwires a car. What luck! But the security guard says ‘not on my watch’ and shoots at Denim Dave, hitting him in the thigh. This naturally will complicate things as the group moves to make their escape from the park.

Meanwhile Chandu and his daughter Candu, are continuing his magic act. She’s taken over her mothers role and seems to enjoy helping her aging magician father. The crowd seem to enjoy his act of stabbing her with 8 swords in a coffin, as well as tucking her into a fish tank flooded with water and making her vanish. She’s a good gal, but Chandu’s heart just isn’t in it anymore. But he also seems to be hiding a skin care secret as after the show he notices a bulging vain across his palm. But Chandu tells Cando there’s nothing to-do about anything. It’s time to head home in the magical station wagon.

But those druggie punks have hijacked their ride and his daughter, as well as trusted driver and stage hand Will-Do.

Stabby is formulating a plan, while also telling everyone to shut up, because drugs impair your thinking. His plan is to have Will-Do take them to his Mansion of Cthulu magic, and they can all chill out there while waiting to hear back from their drug dealer leader person.

Meanwhile the gang of punks make themselves at home. Even Shit Stir-fry has to pinch Cando and tell her how great her sandwiches are. Though she can’t understand how Cando, can live in a creepy place like that.

But we have no time for sandwiches and pleasantries. We have a bullet to remove from Denim Dave, and a night in a spooky mansion to get through.

Which this being the kind of movie it is, should prove fun.

If not for Stabby and his ‘leadership’

Just as the group is getting to know one another and things are looking up for Denim Dave, the power goes out! Apparently it happens enough at the mansion they know to keep extra fuses on hand. I can relate.

Well they can’t allow Will-Do down to the basement to fix things, So they send Cocaine Bob and Cando downstairs to fix the power, while Stabby and Shit Stir-Fry stay upstairs and makeout. The mansion must make people horny. Between Stabby stabbing his tongue into Shit Stir-Fry, Cocaine Bob is trying to force himself on Cando. Which she puts a stop too by, magically turning her face into a skull with melting flesh. Sending the two upstairs quickly. Which prompts a very weird turn of events.

See, I can understand a girlfriend getting upset if her boyfriend tried assaulting another woman, or just plain attempting fornication with someone not them. But Shit Stir-fry, who was busy offering herself to Stabby and even said the line “While the cats away” before offering herself to him. Well when she hears Cocaine Bob tried getting fresh with Cando, she gets mad at him and accuses him of cheating. Which is what she herself was just doing! It makes no sense. But these are junky punks so I guess that explains it.

But these kids are just starting to get frustrated. Between the house having no television, no stereo, AND a broke magician. They are unhappy and tired of old men not having money. The house is big enough Chandu should have money! They think. But no. He’s poor and his career is coming to its end. In fact the only thing he has worth keeping locked up in his safe, Is his Cthulu magic book and ceremonial dagger with goblet. Which are of no use to a drug dealer.

And what of the drugs they have? Well they need a buyer. But the man they want to sell their drugs too, won’t meet them to buy the drugs. He wants them to come see him. But Stabby can’t do that with all those cops out there looking for him.  So it just means more sitting and waiting.

Which makes for a wrestles group!

We have Will-Do trying to do things around the house, But Stabby giving explicit kill anyone who doesn’t listen to me instructions.

Upstairs Cando is trying to escape, but Denim Dave is a ride or die moron for the wrong team and stops her. Even though it cost him splitting open his still fresh surgical bullet wound.

The house is going to hell which it seemed to be keeping in the basement. So Chandu decides to ask the evil book of Cthulu for help!, and it responds.

Finally! Some action!

Which is not a moment too late either. We were getting to the point Shit Stir-fry was going to have sex with her on again off again boyfriend, and Eva was trying on Cando’s outfits.

Which, brings us our first Scooby Doo spooky. As she’s trying on the dress and trying to, for some reason impress Stabby, but he cares about coke more than sex possibilities. Well, as she goes through the belongings of Chandu’s wifes, she opens a music box. Which prompts a sudden overwhelming need for Eva to dance, Which has Stabby’s attention suddenly. Even more so when she flicks his switchblade and, Tries stabbing him. Which confuses Stabby as he’s normally the one stabbing. So he ask her politely to cut it out. But she’s still wanting to showcase her stab and step dance. Nearly stabbing him 3 times. Well that’s just three times too many for ol Stabby. So he shoves her. Which closes the music box and ends her trance like stabbing dance. You’d think a coked up guy who likes stabbing people would retaliate. But he’s sympathetic for once and is actually trying, keyword. Trying to show he  cares about her mental state.

So obviously things are a little rotten in Denmark at the moment, as the house is coming alive to old man Chandu’s wish for help. No sooner than the stab dance ends, Shit Stir-fry is headed to the kitchen hungry for food after her own sex session. Which introduces us to two fun things. Firstly, there’s an unholy abomination with 2 foot long fingers living in the fridge now, but more importantly. A cat!! We see the family cat meowing in warming to Shit Stir-fry, but she’s too busy thinking of food and seeing a cute kitty cat. So sadly. She never gets her sandwich. Instead the fridge monster pulls her in and the cat watches helplessly, but safe.

Even Cocaine Bon isn’t safe. As he noticed his puffy haired girlfriend didn’t return, he decided to go downstairs searching for her. Well she is nowhere to be found. He even checks the fridge that ate her and. It’s just a fridge again, thankfully. Cocaine Bob is not the brightest of the bunch. Cocaine has numbed him over the years. So much so that. When he sees a dress. That’s not even his girlfriends. He assumes it must be hers. Or some womans. So he moves over to the nearby shower. Filled with mist. Copious amounts of mist. Which he takes as just meaning it’s a hot shower. So he gets naked and prepares for either consensual shower sex or a criminal assault. Fortunately he finds neither and the shower locks him in before spraying out copious amounts of blood. I  mean lots and lots of blood. So much so we almost see his dick as he struggles to free himself to stop from drowning. In blood. But alas. He was not long for this world.

If you thought this was the top of the houses acts, just wait. We got some fun coming.

Which is worth mentioning. This film is almost over and we are just now past the setup and hitting all the deaths we’ve been waiting for and setting up. With still more to come. It’s classic gothic horror and I love it, as you should too.

So what’s going on now? Well. Somehow. Someway. The partner of the man that was killed when Stabby stole his drugs without paying. Has found them. He found them and has been sitting outside the mansion watching them. Waiting for lights to go out so he can sneak in. Which he successfully does. As the house wants him too, and he’s headed for the drugs, and Stabby. Who is sleeping the sleep of angels beside his girl Eva. But as he confronts them and grabs his coke. Eva points a gun at the man, for having pointed a gun at Stabby. Then BANG!! Eva shot him dead! But she immediately cries out she didn’t pull the trigger! Not once! It just went off. Like the model gun people talk about on cop shows where they say they were just holding the gun and it accidentally discharged. Because guns can be defective like that. Never.

Well we needed some comedy here, so we get some. The coke! Where is it! Everyone’s looking for it! Well. The ghost have possessed the bag of cocaine and it’s not moving on its own into….the fire place! These ghost are proud members of D.A.R.E. and the only coke they allow in the house is coca cola coke. 

So Stabby is on the hunt for his coke and that takes him outside. Eva is trying to check on her brother, which is an interesting tale itself. Cando is with Denim Dave and when she looks over to him. He’s grown hairy hands. The side of his face is covered in large boils and warts. His eyes are turning cloudy milk white. She naturally freaks out and feels its time to leave. Unfortunately Eva is coming and won’t allow her to ‘escape’, but when Eva is in the room. Denim Dave. Well. He looks like Denim Dave. But Cando wants to leave all the same. However Stabby says ‘Not on my watch! Cando? More like Don’t do HA” So she’s forced to stay in the room. Which seems fine now that Denim Dave is cool again. But they need to get Chandu as Dave is in need of medical attention. So as the two criminals leave. DUN DUN!!! Denim Dave is back to Howling mad Dave! So Cando is freaking out of her mind and she is done with all of this. But safety is on its way. Eva is returning with Chandu, while Stabby goes outside to hunt down the missing coke. This guy seriously needs that coke. He doesn’t care that two of his friends are now missing, or that he sees their ghostly apparitions haunting him, each one bloodied and clawed up. He needs that coke!!

Needless to say. Left on her own, with a gun,  Denim Dave and the Chandu, Cando clan. Eva is not having a good night of things herself. When she returns with the magician. She sees her brother not as Howling Mad Dave, but as Morbid Pestilence Dave, as half his face is covered in green flakes, and boils. She immediately blames Chandu for this. Because he somehow did this to Dave.  A woman just knows these things.

Well her freak out isn’t ending any time soon thankfully for us. Because it gets rather comical. The three move to the living room space and try to explain to her that the house is alive and defending itself. That they all are in danger. Eva believes Chandu is behind it. Somehow. She’s losing it and can’t believe Chandu, a magician isn’t somehow able to make old 8mm films play, make people appear sick then not sick. Make her friends and coke vanish. All while he was earlier tied up in a room left alone. So Chandu changes tactics and begins telling her that her boyfriend Stabby is going to leave them all. If he finds that coke he wont come back. They need to join up together and gtfo. This prompts Eva to panic further. To a point she realizes there are a dozen potted plants behind her. So she picks two up and begins playing an emotional game of ‘he loves me, he loves me not’ Taring the plants apart and throwing them to the ground. Doing this to 4 plants. It’s a horror show for any gardner, and a loss on her points card for composure.  This upsets the plants, naturally. As well as the furniture. As it begins spinning around the room. She again demands Chandu stop this. He tells her “Hey it aint me man! Why’d you kill my plants?!” So Eva loses her shit entirely and begins firing her fun at everything floating and moving in the room, demanding they all stop. Eventually, and thankfully for the furniture. She runs out of ammo. Chandu takes a gentle approach to her and ask kindly for the now unloaded firearm. Which she gives him and he gives her a much needed hug. But things are short lived as Stabby has returned. Eyes glazed and still sniffing around for that missing coke. He grabs Cando and threatens her with his knife asking her what she did with the coke!

It’s the only reasonable explanation right? She had to have done something. For some reason these punks all believe, an old man tied to a chair, locked in a room. Is capable of killing their friends, hiding coke and causing the house to come to life. Which he mostly is. And somehow his daughter Cando who they locked up in a room with Denim Dave, was able to steal and hide cocaine she never saw or was near on the second floor of their house, while also being able to aid her father in causing furniture to fly and people to vanish.

It's puzzling to say the least. But still it was fun seeing Eva shoot up poor furniture and say “Fuck you’ to the plants she viciously murdered..

By now Eva is ready to get out of the house once and for all. But Stabby is not ready for that. HE NEEDS HIS COKE DAMNIT!!

But Eva is now faced with Denim Dave, her brother. Now looking like he passed out while doing his best at home makeup kit for The Toxic Avenger on the side of his face. Stabby is in a rage ready for any excuse to stab someone, Anyone. But the phone draws his attention from stabbing to talking like a civilized man. Who is on the phone though? Why it’s Cocaine Bob! He’s called to tell Stabby that he and Shit Stir-Fry have made the deal of the century and sold the coke! So he demands they come back to the house immediately to share in the fortune and give him what he’s owed. Which they both wickedly chuckle and assure him, “Oh we’ll be there muhahahahaha” He’s happy now. The coke is accounted for. They sold it, and now he just hopes they got a paper receipt for the sale of it so he can keep it for tax time.

Now if we needed reason to hate Stabby more. We’re going to get it, as he gets a beer for Eva. Which is polite. But he shoves the house cat out of his way and kicks at it. Not cool man. Don’t mess with kitty.

Thankfully for us. Evil does not forgive, and plants don’t forget. Eva was resting in a chair after her hysterics. So while napping by a partially open window. The vines from outside come in the house to play. All wrapping around Eva and ensnaring her. They might just play their on game of ‘he loves me, he loves me not’

We know we’ve reached the films final act as Chandu raises himself up from his old man nap and his concerned daughter watches him. Concernedly. As he announces “Thee evil, is free. May god have mercy on us” So its officially finally SHOW TIME!!

All the dead within the house. Will-Do, the plants, the furniture. Shit Stir-Fry, Drooling Dave, Cocaine Bob. They’re all coming for the showdown.

However we need a hero. That hero is going to be Cando. As her father tells her she is the only hope they have. We also get some last minute backstory as he informs us that in his last bid for power and knowledge. He performed a ritual from the evil book of Cthulu. It cost him his wife. He’d ever since tried to use the magic for good. To seek his dead wife’s forgiveness. But he has, in his moment of weakness unleashed evil on their home and those within it.

Which are now stalking and ready to take down Stabby.

Who dies the same way he lived. Stabbed by multiple kitchen knifes  hunting him down. So not at all how he lived, but it works.

Cando, However. Now armed with the knowledge her dad has brought super wicked evil to their home. She’s out to do. Something. Maybe a good something, or a bad something. As it turns out? Well. A bad something. She’s trying to complete the ceremony her father began and cost them her mom! With the help of now Ghoulie Dave.

But Daddy Chandu ain’t having it. He’s casting out Ghoulie Dave and offering himself as a sacrifice to the gods. Which they accept. Sadly.

As her dad is now being changed before our eyes into Ghoulie Chandu. Denim Dave is now reborn as. Denim Dave. He and Cando are leaving the once peaceful house now turned Cthulu playground. And we the viewer get to see the two make their escape as the entire house explodes, and the brave cat makes their escape with the humans. Denim Dave seems fine with the fact his sister is now gone and literally one with nature. He’s also fine with the fact his friends are all dead and gone now, and that supernatural evil forces nearly killed him.

So everyone is okay in the end.

No. No they aren’t. Cando is without a family now, and Denim Dave is the only friend she has apparently. So maybe those two can piece together a life. With their cat friend of course. It’s the best we can manage. But that is it. That was Cthulu Mansion. A very late edition to the old style Gothic horror of yester year.

Which don’t get me wrong, it’s fun stuff. It can be incredibly, unholy cheesy. To a point the films put you asleep more than entertain you. But they can, in instances like this. Turn out something fun and silly. It was a nice resurrection piece of sorts for the film style. It has some B-level starts in it that made the rounds during the 80’s for horror films, which is always fun spotting people. Like Eva. I recognized her from the Subspecies films immediately when I saw this. I didn’t realize how many films back then growing up I’d seen her in until looking back and the help of IMDB.

The film is well worth checking out. The music isn’t over the top or like some old gothic horror blaringly loud. Just because its classical music. Does not mean it has to be at bleeding ear levels of high. The effects are passible and a good mix of old fashion hammer style horror of appliance pieces and goo, mixed with more modern monster makeup. It manages to mirror the film itself. Where we have the world of the old with Chandu and his lamenting of a bygone time in his life where his magic meant something. To the more popular 80’s slasher style films and gore galore movies. There were a few other films in this style worth checking out, like The Uninvited for instance. Or even The House of Usher. Which we will talk about shortly I can promise you that. But this film for me really hits the right notes of being something you literally could get away with watching with a parent, and not have them squirm and question your taste in films. I’m well versed in that from having had my dad attempt to watch some of my movies. This is one he would’ve laughed at but still end with saying it was a good pick.

And the poster work itself was somewhat a combination of styles. It certainly stood out with a skull on its cover. But with a mansion, almost mausoleum style building. With a fun tag line “Beyond evil, Beyond terror, Beyond the gates of hell.” It’s a big promise for something that ends up a very localized situation and film. Which is even better. You don’t need world ending levels of danger for something to be enjoyable. There’s just something fun about world ending gateways to hell being opened in rural small town old style homes.

Definitely give this a look!