Found Footage February Day 4 EXIST

Day 4

Exist

I love me some furries.

What, at least I can say it. You just keep on denying it.

But I digress. What I really meant is, I love movies that touch on the sadly little touched on topic of hairy beast roaming the forest.

By that I am not talking about myself stumbling in my boxers through the woods and being photographed. I am talking of course, about Bigfoot. The Yeti, The Samsquanch.

Samsquanch is the ONLY acceptable term, as given to us by the Trailer Park Boys.

Why there aren’t more films about the furry bastard, I don’t know. There needs to be. It’s fun territory to play around in and it usually. Not always. But usually is entertaining.

So finding a found footage movie about the hairy bastards? Well of course I’m gonna put it on the list!

There’s one I really enjoyed actually, directed by Bobcat Goldthwait, Willow Creek. I would’ve loved including that but NO!

NO! I wanted this list limited to films I hadn’t seen, or saw SO long ago I can’t remember a damn thing about them. This is supposed to be an adventure damnit. An adventure through the unexplored sewer of found footage. So no sense covering things I know are good, let alone suffer through something I know is absolute shit.

Which is why nowhere on this list or any other time in my life again will you ever hear me speak about the absolute colonoscopy on a corpse that was the experience of watching Exhibit X. I still attest that the film is as enjoyable as popping acne on your genitals. I wouldn’t watch that again let alone review it, even if a random user offered me 40 bucks. I’d genuinely consider it at the 6 figure range but that’s a “consider”, not a I’ll do it. So that should say something.

Anyway, bigfoot.

What do you get when your family owns a cabin they claim is in bigfoot country, and you decide to drag your dumbass friends with you into the woods to track the sum bitch down? You get a found footage film. So lets strip down and grease up, run into those woods howling and see where it gets us.

The Film

Since 1967, there have been over 3,000 Bigfoot encounters in the U.S. alone.

Experts agree the creatures are only violent if provoked.

Or at least that’s what this film tells us in its opening, as it sets up for us a series of quick shots introducing us to all the people we will see later screaming and yelling at each other, likely creeping on one another, and screaming at bigfoots dick. At least we can hope.

But for now. We get some minor establishing shots. Well sort of. For the most part its just setting up the cameras, letting us know we have GoPro’s, cellphones, and a dash cam. We also have people buying fireworks from the reservation which is commonly done here, especially if you want bottle rockets.

Or like these fuck nuggets, if you want to be really stupid and shoot them from your car window while driving. Seriously how dumb does your ass have to be to think that’s a good idea.

But don’t worry. That’s not even the tip of the stupidity iceberg these dipshits are sliding along.

Case in point, A bearded man is sleeping in the front passenger side seat. So one of the girls in the back decides to entertain herself using a…fuck me, I mean this in all do respect now…

This bitch…decides for fun, why not use a butane torch, and burn the bearded guys beard while he sleeps. Because haha yolo living free.

Seriously, A butane torch is something that if you angle its tip toward skin, even skin 9 inches away from it? You will burn that skin. It is intensely powerful heat. This crazy pale ass bitch, is pointing it 2 inches from the guys jaw, burning his beard .

Which she finds hilarious because well. Some people giggle while painting the walls with their own shit, so.

Thankfully something actually funny does happen.

We get a homage to the film EGOT.

As the driver of our car looks over and notices what is going on, he decides to turn and ask the redheaded spectrum girl to please stop burning the mans flesh. As he does though. We hear the car slam into something large with a grunt.

Much like in the film EGOT, where a caveman is walking out along side the road at night and ends up getting struck by an archeologist daughter in her car. Whom he later falls for. Her father is captured by the prehistoric man as is she and her father actually tells her to let the caveman bang her. This was not a porno, it was a movie from the 50’s or so, and it’s real. I promise you.

In this film however, we comically see a brief shot of the second best Bigfoot suit committed to film since Suburban Sasquatch. As it turns out the lady filming her friend burning the guys face off with a hand torch, just happened to catch a glimpse from the front of the car of what looked like two furries walking home from a convention. Or you know, bigfoots.

And now we have our films premise set. Dumbass people go into the woods and pull a hit and run on a bigfoot.

Do they care that they hit something? Not especially. When Beardo decides to rewatch the footage of what happened, he correctly calls out the girl for burning his dace and her response is to tell him to shut up and get annoyed.

I will not let this go. This bitch is trying to make a man look like Harvey Dent and she’s annoyed he grumbled at her for setting his face on fire….These people cannot die fast enough.

But we must wait. As we learn they have many other camera’s apparently. Which, makes. Not a lot of sense, but sort of? The film is rather odd about the setup.

So like I said, we see in the beginning there is a dash cam, GoPro’s, cellphones, a handie cam, and a professional grade digital camcorder too. They have a lot of different rigging as well for the cameras.

Apparently beardo is a videographer, and has planned to document their trip. Which seems mostly to center around them riding their bikes. As he has helmet cam mounts, bike bar mounts and is filming them as well as they perform jumps from their bikes.

These people have names. But we don’t need to know them. I mean we can if you REALLY want but, I’m not using them.

We have Todd, Brian, Matt, Dora, and Elizabeth.

Matt is the good bro. He’s the calm one and the guy who’s Uncle owns the cabin they are going to stay at. He is Good Bro.

Todd is Jock bro. His role is to yell at Brian, bang his girlfriend, and tell everyone except Matt to shut up.

Brian is Beardo the cam man. He gets high, he drinks, and films everything. He’s the comic relief that isn’t. And their resident Bigfoot specialist.

Elizabeth is crazy bitch fire starter. Because the bitch is crazy and burns peoples faces for fun.

Dora is Normal girl who. Has no real character traits. Honestly. She’s polite, panics, and doesn’t bring much to the table.

These people are all going to die, and I am all in on it.

Beardo has two motivations it seems. One is to record his friends doing dumb bike stunts and the other is to capture bigfoot footage, and get high with the samsquanch. So to do this, he sets up cameras everywhere. He says he has the woods wired. In reality he has a camera outside the porch, in his hand, on his head, and one on the stairway so…woods covered. Technically?

But Beardo is also a weirdo. Because he’s ‘that guy’,he often gets high, which we see. And he also decides that, when he spots Crazy Bitch with Jock Bro making out in the forest. That he should keep filming them.

Especially when she takes her top off and Jock Bro takes his off too. He even turns the camera around saying he is going to hell for filming that, and he shouldn’t film it at all. He is correct. So he keeps filming it as pants get undone and lengthy appendages get crammed awkwardly into angled orifices while standing.

Meanwhile we are reminded this is a Bigfoot film, as we hear branches cracking and in the densely wooded forest, we can vaguely make out a hairy shape just out of focus, and out of view. Beardo screams out appropriately over this, proclaiming “What the fuck was that?”, He forgets the fact he was recording two friends trying to make a Molly Pills video in the woods, and now tries to warn them that there’s something dangerous out there, and especially close by them.

Naturally this goes over well and they thank Beardo for alerting them to the dangers lurking in the woods. By that of course, I mean Jock Bro pulls up his pants cussing him out, Crazy Bitch begins yelling at him calling him a perv, and beardo soon finds himself thrown to the ground and his memory card taken from him.

He tries desperately to tell his friends there IS something out there in the woods and he really was trying to warn them. However good luck selling that should they watch the footage and realize A.) yes there was a something out there, thank you for warning us. And naturally B.) You filmed us for 5 minutes fucking before Bigfoot stopped you and you self reported.

Choices were made, and not for the best.

So to answer for this. Beardo has decided he shall sleep outside on a hammock. Surrounded by his cameras and attempt to make contact with the hairy bastard, Samsquanch. As any funny stoner in a movie would do, his new goal as he tells us. Is to contact Bigfoot, and make friends with him. Because he’s a friendly guy, they are both hairy, and chicks dig it. So you know, they relate. I guess.

He is an expert folks. We cannot question his motives. He has read books on Bigfoot, and knows they only attack when provoked. He also knows he must mimic their noises to try and establish communication with them. Which means he has to begin making claw hands and screaming, roaring outside at the forest.

Rightfully Normal Girl is awakened by this and comes out. She could take the Crazy Bitch approach and flick a lighter on and off while staring at him blankly. But she ops instead for the gentle approach and simple tells him to please keep quiet as they are trying to sleep. So he promises her he will, and the two go back to fucking around in their own space.

I will give this movie credit, As horrible as these people are for the short time we’ve seen them, With everything going on and that has been, and shall soon be again. We’re already 33 minutes into this with 40 left so. That’s a nice pace. Let’s keep it moving and grooving.

I am trying not to shit on this film. I am enjoying it for what it is. But it is also. Down and dirty. But we will see how it plays out. I just really don’t like the characters and it feels like I may get my wish of violence soon. Which is both comforting and saddening, as some sort of character development would be nice instead of nameless meat sacks. But they understood the assignment. And we signed up for this.

Does getting stoned and screaming in the woods like a fucking moron work?

Apparently so. The question is though. Did his attempted Bigfoot roars translate to I am cool, let’s be friends and be cool to each other? Degrading personal remarks aimed at the bigfoots mother? Or possibly a mating call requesting  to be split in half like a tree. Personally all of the above are possible at this point.

So Beardo gets startled out of his hammock and falls to the ground. He picks up his camera friend and trots off into the woods. Listening to the sound of branches being snapped, and random steps in the woods, all the while trying to hold his piss in and stop himself from wetting his cargo shorts. He tries communicating with Bigfoot, Which comes off more insulting than it does helpful. Firstly he calls them ‘Mr. Bigfoot’, so he’s assuming bigfoots gender, and I am sure Bigfoot is a slur to them so, that also could only stack up the odds more in favor of him getting split like a tree, but not in a fun way.

Just as he’s about to try singing the song of his people to the hairy bastard of the woods. He is pelted with gunfire. Holy fucking balls! Bigfoots packin!

Oh sorry, false alarm. It’s just Jock Bro and Good Bro, hiding out in the woods, at the dead of night. With paintball guns, shooting Beardo in the cock and moobs.

I guess it’s payback for him recording the fuck session in the woods, or maybe for making their swimming session earlier creepy when he decided to skinny dip and no one else was. It was both.

It was both.

Well Jock Bro did manage to get a laugh out of me as they jockingly mock Beardo about calling out talking to Samsquanch, “Mr Bigfoot, I wanna suck your hairy cock”, Funny as it may be, and it was. Bigfoot roars out back at them something about not letting your mouth write checks your throat isn’t going to cash.  The men pucker their buttholes tight as a dolphins and run for the cabin.

All in all it’s a pretty fun scene actually, and even if it gives me the confirmation this will be a quick and dirty movie. It’s still really a nice execution. Though it really becomes too dark to see anything. Which I imagine was done to hide the suit that…maybe wasn’t fully finished, or budget reasons. But when they all head back to the cabin, Jock Bro tells everyone to shut off all the lights. One of the cameras placed in the hallway barely. Baaaaaaarely gives shadow glimpses of a figure passing outside. The rest of pure darkness all around. It’s incredibly difficult to make out just where anyone is, what IS there, and the position of the house itself. We make out a large bay window it seems, and a side window. Otherwise that’s about it.

So we get a lot of ape like grunting, some large heavy steps outside, and a scared group inside. Even Crazy Bitch is all about getting the fuck out of there, hairy naked beast or not. She wants out. But alas. No one is leaving the cabin of death. The Bigfoot is making suggestive growls and grunts, confusing and scaring the women, But terrifying and possibly turning on some of the men and they question just how funny it was to joke about sucking bigfoot dick.

Because we need a good jump scare, we turn to the only one high enough to do something incredibly stupid to give it to us. Beardo, you shaggy stoner bastard. Beardo proclaims it is safe. He believes it is gone and they are fine. So he takes his camera and plants it firmly against the window. There is utter darkness. So the stoned man remembers, oh. Camera don’t see anything in the darkness unless they have nightvision turned on. Better turn that on now that I told my friends its safe and I’m right against the window.

OF COURSE HE’S NOT SAFE! When he turns the damn Night vision on he’s inches away from bigfoots pressed sack on the glass.

Actually he’s just face to face with a very grouchy Bigfoot who roars at him and Beardo falls back like a classic Three Stooges gag.

The group is rightfully freaked out but the rest of the night holds no more surprises for them. Just a lot of scary grunting and growling off in the distance.

Beardo once a bit calmer, or 4 joints into it, tells everyone they are perfectly safe. That there has never been a single recorded attack by a bigfoot. They ONLY attack when provoked. They want to hammer this fact home. They need us to KNOW this. I wonder why…

As the sun rises our group is packed and ready to fuck right off back to civilization. Only when they find their car. They see that Bigfoot ran out of Jack Links and pounded a few brews, because their car is fuuuuuucked up.

Bigfoot tossed a log right through the window, bashed the car, deficated in the back seats, and violated every part of the car it deemed soft enough. So they are not driving away any time soon. Oh also Bigfoot or Bigfeet, depending if there is more than one, has also crashed down a few huge trees to bar the road out. Because squatch gonna squatch.

Everyone decides now is a good time to collectively lose their shit, and they all run back for the cabin. The girls for some reason decide they are terrified beyond the ability for rational thought and drop their belongings, and their bikes. Leaving them.

Things can only get better from here. Like maybe they will be safe inside the cabin. They just need to hang out there until Good Bro’s Uncle arrives. Then he can get them out of there. They’ll be saved. They got plenty of nutrigrain bars and mountain dew.

Only there’s a slight problem with that plan. Which needs some explaining. Apparently Uncle man doesn’t know they are at the cabin, and there for he will not be coming to the cabin to see them. He tells the group he stole the key to the cabin from his uncle.

Now. You might rightfully ask yourself. Why would you need to steal a key to your Uncle’s cabin? In the woods, next to bigfoot country?

Well the answer is simple and without consequences.

He tells them simply that, his Uncle never lets anyone stay in the cabin and he never goes to the cabin, because he saw something once that scared him enough never to return.

Yes, his girlfriend Normal girl is not happy hearing this, and appropriately yells at him. Beardo is just glad for once that its not him. So Good Bro decides he must make right this wrong. He has put his friends in danger. Therefor he must get them out of danger. So he shall ride his 12 speed bike as quickly as he can manage, and return with help. Though it’d be a lot easier and far more useful if he just cycled far enough to get signal on his phone to actually reach someone. Just sayin.

So our group tearfully lets him ride off to his doom, but HEY! Jock Bro found a shotgun in the cabin! Weapon acquired! Which his dumbass openly points at the girls and Beardo, keeping his finger firmly around the trigger.

This man has never held an actual gun and has no idea trigger weight and how easily you can twitch your finger and end up firing off a round. He has no trigger discipline, and is a danger to himself and thr group. So of course he should keep the shotgun.

Especially when his first words are “I’ve played paintball. How different can they be.”

Meanwhile Good Bro is riding to his death. Complete with a helmet cam. To my shock and surprise he actually is riding out and realizes suddenly that he has a cellphone. So perhaps he can get signal! Well saints be praised the boy deserves to go to college. He whips out his cellphone and tries contacting 911. But he can’t get clear signal. So he tries a bit further out and this time decides, why not call my Uncle. Because surely that’s better than 911. Will providence never stop shining on this boy wonder? He’s able to contact his Uncle and tell him he’s at ‘the cabin’ and needs help. But that’s as far as the conversation gets as he soon finds bigfoot behind him watching him. He takes off at full speed on his bike, peddling like a fat kid chasing an ice cream truck. His Uncle tries talking to him until the phone loses signal. It’s a fairly creepy and good chase scene as we see no matter how fast he pedals. The Samsquanch is able to keep up right beside him. Hooting and hollering.

Good Bro is not one to let history not repeat itself. So he shows us once more why he is prone to accidents. As he keeps turning his head to watch the Bigfoot beside him, instead of the trail. So needless to say he ends up smacking himself right off his bike as he slams chest first into a tree branch and goes sailing. But fear not ladies and gentlemen. He is fine. Fine being a relative term, actually he’s handling himself pretty okay. He’s just got a broken shin and the bone is sticking out so. He’ll have to tough it out, obviously.

Yes the poor man is dead meat. Though he is somehow able to get up to his feet. Bigfoot walks over, raises an eyebrow, and slaps the taste right out of his mouth. Farewell Good bro.

Get ready for more down and dirty, quick and gritty folks. As we switch back to our armed friends back at the cabin. The ladies huddle and comfort each other. Both wondering where Good Bro is and if he is safe. Comically as Normal Girl cries and Crazy Bitch tries to tell her she’s sure he made it alright. We get a jumpscare courtesy of an angry Bigfoot who growls out “Oh no he isn’t!” and tosses Good Bro’s bike at the porch. The girls appropriately lose their shit as do the men, and we now have our armed group trying to hide from a roaring free dick swinging (or tit hanging) bigfoot circling the house.

Again I laughed, thanks to the wisdom of Crazy Bitch and her time to shine. Jock Bro is trying to conserve what little ammo they have. He’s listening for Bigfoot and trying to pick his shots. But Crazy Bitch being, crazy. Tells her boyfriend “Just shoot him!” “I can’t shoot them if I can’t see them, I need to pick my shots.” “Fuck that just shoot!”

Does he? Well kind of. He’s not incredibly stupid, just partially.

The film may be quick and dirty with the action, but it really does well with its scares and how they’re done. As Crazy Bitch and the others try to quietly move about. Samsquanch ends up busting through a door and grabbing hold of Crazy Bitch. The group struggle to free their friend. And eventually they manage to do so. Well sort of. They mostly manage to get their friend back once the Bigfoot lets her go after shaking her like a British nanny holding a baby and breaking her neck.

After that they are able to hide themselves in the basement of the house. Jock Bro cradling his now dead, face torching, woods banging, ammo wasting girlfriend. But its not over yet. The Bigfoot stomps through the house destroying everything until it tracks their scent to the trapdoor leading to the basement. The Bigfoot breaks through and Jock Bro begins firing off a few rounds. Ultimately hitting the hairy bastard and sending it into retreat.

It's a very effective scene as the camera outside shows us the passage of time, bringing about the morning, Beardo is the first to wake up and quietly makes his way up the tattered stairs and to the cabin above. What’s left of it at least. The place is royally trashed. They may have shot Bigfoot, but Bigfoot absolutely destroyed their place in return. The group now down by two, makes their way out of the cabin and into the woods. Agreeing to follow Beardo, as he claims to know the forest, he also is friend to the Bigfoots as we recall earlier. Sure his facts haven’t been entirely accurate about no attacks happening but. What could go wrong? Follow the bearded stoner into the woods. It’s their element. Believe me I know.

I am not joking. Somehow stoners really are in their element when high as fuck and roaming the woods. They’ll find Narnia if you let them.

Sadly they do not find Narnia. They do managed to find the bloody bike helmet of Good Bro however, and they discover a small place in the woods they can hide for the time being.

It’s a needed spot of rest for our group and I as well am thankful for it. Fast action can be good, and it can also be an unintentional hammer to your foot. So the break was well timed and actually gave exactly what it needed. A moment of humor and compassion. Letting the events really sink in, and people just being who they are.

What we get is the three laying side by side, trying to sleep a bit during the night with a wood board atop them. Beardo offers his condolences to Jock Bro on losing his Crazy Bitch, and for being something of a dick earlier. Beardo now having to face the reality that two good friends are now dead, does the only thing he can to relax himself. He whips out a joint and readies to light it. Until Normal Girl stares at him with a polite “Bitch are you for real?” face. He understands, and slowly tosses the unlit jay. She gives a sympathetic smile like “You dumb stoner bastard, stay golden pony boy” and she gives a comforting pat to his chest.

However Bigfoot is the Batman of the woods, they work more effectively under the cover of night. They were born into it, molded by it. These humans merely adopted the dark.

Jock Bro has had enough. He’s cold, he’s missing his lady friend, and the man just wants to not stink of swamp ass and fear. So he starts firing wildly into the woods. Which Beardo is all set to record because just like Aerosmith in Armageddon, he doesn’t want to miss a thing.

Remember that movie? It won a few academy awards.

How that did and The Rock didn’t is a crime. Anyway.

You know it’s true though. Shit even Conair had some good moments, I mean the cast were both spot on and a good mix of humor and action, good music too.

So back to the bigfoot shooting gallery.

Jock Bro is unloading his rage through the shotgun and daring them to do something. Which the Bigfoot does. They begin chucking huge ass rocks with the strength of Chris Redfield.

This rightfully freaks the group out so they agree it’s a good time to GTFO and not look back.

While escaping death and the horrific possibility of a boulder to the face. They happen to hear of all things to hear in the woods, Their dead friend Good Bro. Who is somehow not dead. Just heavily injured and likely violated. Horribly violated.

With that, Normal Girl turns on her bloodhound senses and tracks her man. If you ever wonder why your girlfriend might act weird suddenly and bury their face into your Tshirt and rub their face into it. They aren’t doing it to be cute. They are marking your scent in case you go missing, or a bigfoot comes for you.

So now we have a mission, We have a cave tunnel. We have the tortured screams of Good Bro, and we are sending an armed stoner with a helmet cam and night vision into a tunnel. Just like a soldier in Vietnam shoved into a rabbit hole, his senses are heightened and he’s seeing things like a cat in the night. He gets into deep into the shit of Bigfoot cave, and finds Good Bro. Ready to save him and get the hell out of there. But They have a problem. The bigfoot people broke into a camper belonging to some Italians and they watched Goodfellas and Casino on an endless loop. So they broke Good Bro’s legs to hobble him. But Beardo isn’t leaving any man behind!

He begins dragging Good Bro out, but they find themselves confronted with a Bigfoot. Thankfully Beardo has a shotgun, and one round.

Now, a fun fact for you all. That hollwood always ignores. When you decide to purchase a Shotgun, or lets say another popular home defense item, a .357 magnum? God forbid, but if you happen to have someone break into your home, and find yourself needing to use that weapon. If it’s a shotgun? You will damage your ears firing it in the house, and lose your hearing for a while, because of the reverb and echo in the house.

Now if you fire a .357 in your bedroom or home? You will become def. It can and will burst your ear drum.

Fun facts. Also never use a high powered rifle or handgun for home defense, or shotgun slugs. Buckshot works fine, high powered weapons will travel through your target, and 6 walls before stopping. Another fun fact.

So Beardo is ready to throwdown for his bro. He takes aim, in this small closed in cave, and fires at Samsquanch. The beast roars and vanishes. While Beardo manages to pull his bro to safety and outside of the tunnel. He’s reunited with his friends and girlfriend. Truly the happiest of days for him.

The trio make their way to a nearby abandoned trailer, placing Good Bro on the bed and immediately cuddling him. Because cuddles can save lives. Much like thick thighs. True story.

Well saints be praised, because the cellphone once again has signal! Its ringing and here to their rescue is their Uncle. Who is still asking where the hell they are. Fortunately for them though, Uncle is close by. He tells them he is at the cabin. Which they are not. Unfortunately the cellphone loses signal and the group is left with no way to let him know where they are.

BUT WAIT! THEY DO!

Providence smiles its sunshine on this trio once more, as Jockbro remembers his bag of fireworks. The same fireworks they established earlier that they picked up at the reservation and fired off from the car window while driving.

So Jock Bro has made the adult decision. They will run outside, find a clearing, light off one of the firework fountains and use it as a signal for Uncle to find them. Great plan!

He takes off sprinting like a track superstar. He makes it to the fireworks and sets up the fountain. Lighting it and cheering as the firework sparks to life.

He rightfully cheers and does a Superbowl victory dance. At least until Bigfoot runs out and tells him “Ball’s still in play motherfucker!” Jock Bro takes off running but ends up tackled by Bigfoot. It’s a fumble of epic proportions and we are now down to Beardo, Normal Girl, and Good Bro.

Well for now. Because after spiking, and I do mean literally tossing into the ground like a football, Jock Bro. Bigfoot has had enough of these humans in their woods. They are humping the trailer and tossing it right off a small cliffside we didn’t even know was there.

So how are our group fairing?

Well, fucking horribly. What do you expect? The poor sobs just took a huge tumble in an aluminum box down a hillside.

Good Bro? Yeah he’s dead.

Normal Girl? Dead as hell.

Everyone has shit themselves and only Beardo survives. Why? Because the man is more THC than man. His body is kept perpetually in a relaxed state so he didn’t break anything. Just likely landed on his keys.

But this is SummerSlam baby, and Bigfoot is on the top rope, Leaping down onto the trailer and claiming Beardo.

We are not out of the woods just yet. Heh. Literally and figuratively.

This is a moment I really love in the film, and I’ll dare go as far as saying the final 8 minutes of this movie are where I actually fall for this film.

What happens here feels like the main pin on the board when they wrote the script and the moment is sold really well. It brings everything in, fills in any questions you had, and well. Let’s get to it.

Beardo is now in the clutches of a pissed off Bigfoot, Still holding their camera as they were nabbed with it, and now being dragged. We soon find out just where. As the Bigfoot brings him to, a burial alter. Of sorts. He is reunited with the bodies of his 3 dead friends and brother. But he is still alive, for now. As he is left there and slowly comes around, we find him laid out with his friends in an eerily beautiful, and very dead tree filled mountain area. More disturbingly though, not far from him lays the cause for all their suffering, and the deaths of the other four. In a nearby pit, surrounded by offerings and bone. Is the body of a dead Bigfoot. Which he stumbles over in a daze and tries to film, before being attacked again by the bigfoot in mourning, who went after those responsible for having hit their mate with a car, and continuing on their drive.

So yeah. If you were betting on the Samsquanch exacting revenge for these asshats sideswiping him with their car? You were off. But if you guessed an ‘I know what you did last Bigfoot’, well congrats to you.

It’s a sad moment as he’s not being attacked violently. But the Bigfoot is forcing him down to stare at the corpse of their mate, shouting at him in a “LOOK WHAT YOU DID!” way. He begins to realize this and breaks down.

Off in the distance we hear a shotgun blast, and the Bigfoot takes off running. Uncle Bob is on the way to rescue at least one family member. It’s a real “The one thing I could never get used to in the woods, is all the damn Bigfoots” moment.

The two make their escape and find Uncle Bob’s truck at the other side of a small bridge.

But remember. This is still SUMMERSLAM!!!

Just as the pair are making their way to the cage door to end this steel cage match. Bigfoot spears Uncle Bob. Knocking his shotgun away and he is….I believe dead. Not just because the elderly man got speared in a tackle by a ten foot tall body of pure muscle and destruction. But EXACTLY because he got tackled by a ten foot tall body of pure muscle and destruction. His bones are shattered like a sheet of peanut brittle.

Leaving Poor Beardo on his own. He takes up his Uncle’s shotgun and is ready to square off with the Squach. But he has learned a valuable lesson. He is remembering what the stoner in the 7/11 parking lot told him about bigfoots, that they only attack when provoked.

So he lowers the shotgun, surrendering it. He begins apologizing to the Bigfoot. He accepts his fault in this, and he turns around on his knees, facing away from Bigfoot, and presents himself.

Or you know, he just surrenders and awaits his fate.

It’s actually pretty tense and the one moment in the film we get to see the full makeup of the Bigfoot. Which was very well done. There were points earlier it really did look like a suit, and the bits of face we saw were not…the greatest. But this was the money shot and they used the hero mask. Its bleeding, wounded by the shotgun, angry. But understanding what he is doing. You really have no idea what it will or won’t do, and Beardo waits for his time to end.

Only it doesn’t. We hear the Bigfoot grumble and grunt. Before huffing and taking off back into the woods. It has chosen to spare him. It made its point, killed his bro and his friends, and crumbled his Uncle’s bones like a candy cane you brought home from school.

And with that, we see Beardo get up, leaving the camera and making his way to the truck.

The End.

This was a ride, in both a satisfying way, and a rushed way.

I enjoyed that it moved along quickly. Much like our last film we talked about. It kept you interested once things got going. But it did have moments that it felt uneven. Mostly at the start when things were beginning to go south and kick off the scares.

It’s really, and unfortunately hard to pinpoint exactly what it was. But there were just times, not something specific. But just certain times early on that the film just felt a bit, hmm.

Let’s go with this theory, Because it is something that does happen with films.

Sometimes, you get an idea for a film. It sounds like a solid idea. More specifically you get jazzed about certain scenes, or A key scene and idea. Then you build the script around that.

Sometimes, and it happens a lot with writing, I’ve caught myself doing it too. But sometimes, you end up writing filler, or something that doesn’t exactly sound like what you had in mind. But you will make it work because you’re on a schedule, you really want to get it done. So you can’t rewrite it. And the main drive, is so that you can get to that ‘moment’ to that scene which your whole film hinges on, and you feel is what will deliver it.

I don’t know if that was the case here, but it feels plausible. I could also be reading entirely too much into it. It’s also 3am and I’m dehydrated.

On the surface. The movie took great turns. It started out as a road trip movie with friends headed out for a weekend in the woods. Shoot some cool video to make them all look badass and cool once they edit it, make memories. Burn peoples faces off, and laugh about it after reconstructive surgery. It spun off from there to an accident, which lead to everything swiftly falling apart. It’s a nice caught in the moment style of story, and maybe that’s why it felt a bit clunky at the start. Because even when the film got up and went. It didn’t drag itself or feel so rushed that things didn’t make sense. It really did feel like an oh shit what do we do thing. Which you really want with a Bigfoot movie too.

I joked earlier about Suburban Sasquach and I mean, that’s fair. Once you’ve seen the film it haunts you, and any time Bigfoot is going to be in a film you watch. You’ll remember it. Pluss those films tend to really not always know how best to handle the costume. It can look absolutely horrific, it can look like something your grandmother made you for your little film. It can also be a Gorilla suit you added a scary mask onto you picked up at Spencer gifts.

The point is, you find a way to make it work.

It doesn’t always work. But when it does, it’s great. So most of the time you get carefully avoided things like not showing the face, or only giving you a quick glimpse, so they don’t have to worry too much about it. This film did not do that.

They were proud of the effects work, and kudos to them for that. It’s well deserved and it’s up there as one of the better looking effects jobs I’d seen.

Seriously when you swim in a sea of shitty films, Any time you see Bigfoot in the description you know you’ll either get a Chaka from Land of the Lost, or you get Harry and the Henderson’s.  Rarely do you get something that looks legitimately like you would openly crap yourself if you saw running toward you.

The acting was, hmm.

This was more of a, reacting. It felt more like this wasn’t scripted, but sort of directed like Blair Witch was. Where you just give your cast minimal direction. Let the scene organically flow from interacting. Tell them key trigger events and go from there.

It wasn’t bad or poorly done. I think they did well. But it really had a feeling of more reactionary versus acting off one another. Which is still fine. Well done all around on the cast.

Sometimes having a film, Found Footage or otherwise, run just under an hour and 20 minutes Is a nice thing. Keep it short and sweet, to the point.

This could’ve been fleshed out, sure. But did it need it? Not especially. It would’ve been a different movie otherwise. It still ended up a movie told in a found footage setting, without being a “This tape was recovered”, more so we just saw a film told from multiple camera perspectives. Which is still fine. It’s a good tool for telling a story, and this was a well done, simple to the point horror film. With good actors, great effects, and a fine premise.

I mean anything is better than having your Bigfoot movie suddenly turn into Bigfoots are ALIENS!!

That movie knows which movie it is, and I will not name it here. But that was a hilarious twist and bad at the same time.

I would not change anything in the film. Really. It’s a good way to spend your night, I’d definitely put it into a pile of films for a movie night to cycle through and I’d know people would be into it.

It’s also a nice change of pace having someone actually survive in one of these too. That’s a first thus far on our list, and they actually survive in a broken but good way. Not in a Grave Encounters I survived only to bring more bodies way, or an I’m possessed and the evil wins muhahaha way.

I mean I would’ve laughed my ass off if Brian walked off to his Uncle’s truck and suddenly the Bigfoot came out and tossed a boulder on him.

It would’ve been fucking hilarious, and I’d still enjoy the movie. But it stuck to its guns and offered another surprisingly pleasant addition to this film list. Which still has me worried. I mean I am used to things sucking horribly, and I kind of expect it. So actually going through something good, one after the other. I mean I know it’s coming. It has to be. But if this list will be the first time I’ve done a themed month of reviews, and they all turned out solid? I will be pleasantly surprised.

But I know there is shit in the sewer, and it’s likely floating down our way.

As for now. Take the win and lets be glad for it.

Buy it, rent it, show it to friends. Just don’t watch it while driving through the woods and hit a goddamn Samsquach.

Until tomorrow!