Found Footage February Day 26 The Fear Footage!!

Day 26

The Fear Footage

This was an emergency addition. I had planned originally to watch Occult. A movie I was super hyped to watch. However, unfortunately. It is nowhere. The film isn’t streaming anywhere out there, and the one copy I hunted down on youtube, had the most horrible quality and subtitles so. That was an absolute no go.

I mean that would’ve been an interesting review, reviewing a super low quality film with inaccurate subtitles, that’d be fun in itself. But it’s not why we are here!

Seriously this really blows chunks. I was really excited for Occult. But that will be stored away for another day.

For today our blind pick, is the first part in an apparent trilogy. Which boes well, or horribly for us. We will have to see. But we made a choice! We are sticking to it!

The Fear Footage….I know nothing about it, past it’s the start of a trilogy, a low budget trilogy. This is the sign of found footage goodness, or a warning. Let’s find out yeah? Yeah.

Cthulu save us all.

The Film

When you are a dispatcher, and you get a call from a man out walking his dog. Talking about seeing a house that shouldn’t ‘be there’, and the house existing, when it shouldn’t. You know it’s going to be a long night.

Even more so when they dispatch an officer to investigate this call, and your next title card informs you that the following you are about to watch is footage recovered from the body cam of one Deputy Leo Cole.

It also, for the sake of copyright. Is the property of Darkbluff Maryland Sheriff’s Department.

Okay so. Spooky call, Deputy on call. And we know the man went missing. Good stuff. Though it is an interesting perspective using the bodycam approach.

I also will give them credit on their use of police codes over the radio, I used to know a bunch of them back in Junior High, because I was a bad student and I had to ‘volunteer’ for a class ran by a K9 officer to help me and other troubled students out. Was a lot of fun.

It’s just kind of a bit funky with the camera being used.

It’s the angle which seems a bit forced and not really ‘at level’ But thankfully we aren’t dealing too much with it. As our deputy makes his way into the house that should not be, he discovers a static tv screen, which should not exist by todays standards, and a VCR. Even WEIRDER!! There’s a tape inside so of course, it’s either porn, or a murder tape. Let’s find out!

I mean you are a Deputy, at the end of your shift, investigating a ghost house. Why not take time out of your day to pop in a VHS and crack open a cold one. Treat yourself. It’s the law.

Well unfortunately the tape is not porn, which means murder tape. Or it could be. I mean all we have is a kid named Bradon skateboarding and recording himself. He’s no Tony Hawk, but he does own a Nintendo.

I’m talking OG Nintendo.

He’s incredibly happy in fact, because his mama got him a Nintendo, and shoes for his birthday. Now that’s what we from my generation call the total package. You got new shoes for outdoor activities, and you got a Nintendo for increasing your skills. Hell yeah brother!

Unfortunately that’s the only good things this kid has going for him. Because there is a storm brewing, and worst of all. There are clowns.

This kid is being stalked in his home, by clowns. Not the killer clowns the Dickies warned us about mind you. But the dime store variety. Specifically the ones people were seeing a few years back that started popping up in neighborhoods. Freaking people out by standing and staring. Being creepy. It was a big thing for a while, until someone almost got shot. Then the clowning stopped.

Seriously it’s kinda funny how people think creeping someone out is funny, until you get shot. Or worse you run into an actual killer.

Anyway I digress.

Poor kid is having his night of Nintendo, the night before he turns 11 ruined. By clowns in the rain, clowns in the rain, with red balloons.

So what’s a kid to do? Well the one thing he can do, that all of us did. Have your mom deal with it. You don’t wanna die, you don’t need clown shit in your life. Let mama deal with it for you. That’s the safer bet.

Only trouble is. Mom isn’t wanting to deal with that. She has had a long day, there’s gonna be an even longer one tomorrow with the birthday party, and she doesn’t have time for clowning around at night. You are 11 tomorrow boy! Time to man up!

Well he isn’t entirely ready for that, so he’s going to keep on keeping on man. Eventually mom WILL have to give in and investigate the clowning.

I mean granted, seeing clowns in daylight, creeping around the bushes, your car and such. That’s one thing. But seeing them hanging out on your porch during a thunderstorm? That’s cause for concern.

But this kid ain’t calling the cops. He just wants mom to be a mom, and deal with these creepy clowns!

It isn’t until he sees one at their backdoor that mom gets involved finally. Highly reluctantly.

She ventures down stairs and decides to fuck with her kid. I’m not saying she’s a bad parent. She just doesn’t want to deal with this. Especially if she has to wake up early and deal with a house full of 10-12 year olds for his birthday tomorrow. So as he calls out to her for help, she is none responsive. Now, she KNOWS this is fucking with him. He is scared shitless of these clowns trying to intrude on his gaming time before his birthday. But she just sighs, and doesn’t answer him. Sometimes, it’s the little things as a parent.

Well as her son begins to break down and lose his shit over a mom who doesn’t answer him, who went downstairs and hasn’t returned. He’s going to get a real reason to shit his pants. He is flipping his camera around to the doors behind him. Smart kid checking his back. Only it freaks him out to the point of nearly losing his damn mind, as two dirty gloved hands grasp the edge of a door frame threatening to emerge. Only to withdraw suddenly when he spins around hearing his mother finally answer him.

He’s only 10, nearly 11. But I can assure you he is running through a speech in his head containing every version of known cuss words he’s collected and mentally directing them toward his mother.

Well the power is out, and she’s trying to figure out how to get the damn power back on. But she can’t do that with her boy still up and about. He could trip and die before he turns 11! She don’t want that. Ain’t nobody want that!

Specially Branon.

Well unfortunately for him, his mom is totes unaware of any clowning going on. The funniest thing she says to him at one point is something like “You will be 11 tomorrow, no more bad dreams about trolls and clowns”

Bitch who the hell dreams of clowns? Respectfully…

Trolls and clowns are a pretty damn specific thing, and if you are dreaming of clowns and trolls, you grew up in the 80’s because there is no other reason for ANY of that shit in your head. Believe me.

So no one is sleeping tonight, The poor boy is losing it, he can’t even play his Nintendo or enjoy looking at his cool new shoes. All he can do is cry and worry about murderous clowns.

Like most of us in the 80’s

So with no sleep in sight for anyone, this poor bastard is going back outside into the hallway. Because he see’s murderous clowns in his house still. And Mama needs to tighten the drawstring on her sweatpants and mother up! Only she can’t. When he tries to wake her. She’s no longer in bed. She’s nowhere to be found, actually.

Which is totally fine. In the middle of the night, during a thunderstorm. WITH clowns wondering through your home. Surely. She is just fine.

Yeah, and my nuts taste like strawberry starburst.

Maybe they do, I don’t know. Will get back to you on that.

But it seems she’s fine! So how about that. She’s so fine in fact, she’s calling out from downstairs, in a super not at all creepy way.

SO OF COURSE THE KID IS GOING DOWNSTAIRS. Obviously why not. It’s only just your mom, in a dark house, with no power, during a storm, with crazy ass murder clowns in your house.

To no one’s surprise, other than this poor kid. Mama is dead. And it’s kinda funny, but unintentionally so.

I mean it isn’t funny his mom is dead. That’s gonna stick with him for the rest of his short ass life.

But it IS funny.

He finds her sat at the dining table downstairs, with a small cake, and 4 candles lit. Only 7 short of his age BUT we can forgive that. Our Birthday boy approaches the birthday table, finding his mom sitting there with her back to him. When he circles around to her, that’s when the fun comes.

Her jaw has been ripped off, and face bloodied. What made me laugh isn’t that. It’s her tongue.

It’s a not so good prop, and budgets can do that. It’s kind of fun in a BTS way as it looks like an oversized purple tongue, which they’ve tried to disguise using darkness, and blood gel.

It’s a good effect, but, yeah I chuckled lingering on it for a bit.

Branon…Brenon. The boy.

The boy is not laughing. He is screaming and running for dear life.

Until he runs into a clown. Who chases his ass through the house. Well stalks him through it at least. But it’s a short lived chase. He ends up locking himself in a room, and gives in to stupidity. Or child innocence. I mean the two kind of border one another. But in this case, it is just stupid.

The boy, knowing his mother is a nightmare of torn flesh and dead downstairs. HEARS her voice. Droning out for him to ‘open the door’.

WE know, this is the worst idea. WE KNOW what will happen.

But it IS his birthday technically. So he can do whatever he wants. That is the rules of birthday law.

So the little shit opens the door and….nothing. No one is there. Until a clown of course pops up and he runs downstairs screaming for mercy. Which will not come.

Or maybe it will.

We have no idea. Because next we know, there’s silence. And we see the boy, with a party hat on his head. Being lead up the stairs by….a weird choice.

A clown, wearing a clown mask, and sunglasses. Leading the boy to his room, and that’s the end of….oh no.

This movie is an anthology. Oh fuck me running…

Well this is. Going to be interesting.

It wasn’t the scariest thing, it wasn’t the most original thing. But it had some moments. Just. I dunno. The only clown I enjoy seeing is Art the clown, and that man is scary as all fuck, but he enjoys what he does. He makes that very clear.

This however I don’t know. Creepy clowns get used a bit too often and this was just. Well it’s found footage so. There is that.

And hopefully the kid still has an okay Birthday.

So back to the brave deputy in the spooky house that shouldn’t be…

He’s returning to searching the house. Which now that we know it’s an anthology. Is likely leading us to our next spooky story. Which of course it will.

He’s doing a quick scan of the hallway and each room he comes across. Finding what has to be…the most un child like room, I’ve ever soon. For a child.

Now, I say this, having had lots of friends growing up, and having seen their rooms, and having watched many a movie. But.

When you have a child, in this case her name was Megan. A very young child. Who has a bed, that no child could get on without using a step ladder. Lined with exactly 17 pillows. With  dresser someone 6’2 would find accommodating.

But yes, this is a ‘kids’ room, which had a hand drawn in crayon sign on the ground, stating to stay out. He also finds a diary, which says private, do not read. So he reads it, and it’s…I don’t want to be mean but.

If this was written by a kid, it is the most wasteful kid. They apparently only wrote a paragraph or less a day. For three days. The diary tells a story of a happy girl, moving to a new house, with her parents, her grandma, and sister. She is hopefully, looking forward to making friends, and happy. Then she finds a mystery tape under her dresser, and she won’t tell ANYONE about it, she will watch it alone. Of course she does, and she starts hearing voices, telling her to do ‘evil’ things. But she won’t! And next entry she’s upset, because her family wants her to see a psychologist, because they think she’s the crazy. For hearing evil voices. She now wishes she never watched the tape.

Her last entry tells us in semi hectic but very clear writing so the audience can read a long. That she has decided to do what the voices want. She’s going to use her dads gun, kill them all, and then herself. Then they will all be together in a new life. The end.

I will…come back to this at the end.

So now it’s time for story 2. The Storm Stalkers.

Which is apparently a show, about storm stalkers, and this is their bonus footage, available likely from their patreon. One would imagine.

STORM STALKERS!!!

YEAH!

Get excited and get ripped!

Because these guys are. They are super excited, for stalking storms, and celebrating with Titties and Tacos.

TITTIES AND TACOOOOOOS!!

Strip club food can be…an experience.

I do not think you should trust the tacos, nor the strippers who partake in the tacos before dancing. Just saying.

So we got three men, all super stoked about stalking some storms, heading out with some cool new tech, an ear camera. Which is kinda funny. Because it’s a cute little camera, with an actual adjustable looking lens.

Welp, they are all excited for their storm stalking and the promise of titties and tacos. Until they hit a human sized deer wearing a hoodie and jeans.

No, that was not a deer they hit. It was some guy wearing a hoodie and jeans.

Well that’s just a bit odd isn’t it? Well they get out of their truck and have themselves a little look around. They investigate the not deer, and discover, this not deer is dead. They have moved on. This not deer has ceased to exist.

But before they can call for help on their cellphone. A single gun shot rings out, killing one of our Storm Stalkers. #Hopes&Prayers.

Immediately after hearing this, and seeing one of their crew shot dead. One of our cameramen look quickly to their left and…CULTIST!! Apparently.

Yes. We have two men wearing brown robes, and hoods covering their faces. Shooting at our two survivors. Who survive long enough to go hide in an abandoned tunnel. Filled with graffiti, Pentagrams, Satan Lives written on the walls. Sacrificial circles and candles lit. You know, the usual. Oh and severed limbs.

Meanwhile the camera is doing the familiar wibbly wang jangle dinky donk. Or distorting.

So the two move through these tunnels, searching for a way out, trying to get away from these terrible shooting cultist. Only to find a long armed, monstrous…people person…thing.

It mostly looks like a person with long arms that are kinda thin and unclean.

So we lose another team member, and are down to one brave soul, the brains of the operation. He is back outside, and being chased by cultist once more. In the worst satanic neighborhood you could ever imagine. He is surrounded by cultist, evil graffiti, and he has no way out.

Well except for his truck.

But the cultist are there, and they got him. They shoot the man, BUT. He is wearing his new nifty ear camera. Which works brilliantly! Super good quality too.

We see his body dragged off underground to their sacrificial place, His head gets cut off, we see the bloody stump, and then. We see something truly magical. A blessing.

We have the smallest cutest satanic bonfire. Surrounded by the cultist. Who can’t nonsense. And surround the place with candles. These candles….I would love to had been present for this cult meeting when someone brought these candles in. These candles are LED flickering candles.

Apparently a fire was affordable for the budget. But the rest of the budget went to Hobby Lobby on LED flickering candles.

I just, really want to hear that conversation. Where these satanist are discussing their human sacrifice, and cutting heads, limbs, resurrecting demons to this realm. And then in walks Kevin. Kevin the cultist. With his plastic bag and electronic candles, and everyone stares at him like “Dude, really? We are summoning demons here man! Killin people, and you think they’re gonna be cool with fuckin electronic candles man?” and Kevin the cultist just shrugs and tells them “I just thought, we go through so many candles right? And y’all complained about the cost so. I figured flameless candles, those would last longer right? I’m sure the demons won’t mind” and then the cultist mumble agreeing with the logic and their leader decides okay fuck it, lets get back to the murder plan.

I just. It’s so goddamn funny. Even the tiny cute evil fire they build, collapses early, and the whole thing looks as intimidating and scary as my sister and her friends practicing wiccan magic in her bedroom listening to The Cure.

So that’s the end of Storm Stalkers. No titties and tacos for that group. Sadly.

WELL, back to Deputy Dingus.

It’s time to investigate the downstairs area now. There might be a reason this man is a deputy, and not a sheriff. This man, is not the most respectful of his position, and of coordinating a walkthrough of a suspicious scene.

Now holding a gun in front of your body cam, with a flashlight, that looks official and all. But you don’t decide to do things like, read kids diaries for the fuck of it, while investigating what seems to be an unlocked abandoned home. You certainly also. Do not start playing their VCR, twice, for funsies. And I also believe. You do not, as would a guest not. Start playing someones piani, for the fuck of it.

Your job. Is to assess the situation. You do a walk through, room by room, announcing yourself, identifying who you are, asking if there is anyone present. You go downstairs, announce yourself, ask again if there is anyone present. You do this quickly, but thoroughly, you keep the station up to date on what you are doing, what if anything you’ve found. Now he is unable to communicate with the station through his hand radio. So that means you return to your squad car, attempt to communicate from there. If your radio is not working, you use your cellphone. There is procedure for this.

But Deputy Doofus is playing the paino, and aiming his gun at, according to the subtitles ‘recorded voices’

He’s returning upstairs and resumes playing a VHS tape which so far has included a boys mother being murdered, three men who wanted tacos and titties being slaughtered. So he figured he might as well keep going because there’s no one there to tell him to stop watching THEIR home movies?

Welcome to Speak No Evil…

This is a story about Dan

Dan used to like drugs. A lot.

But he also liked his family. A lot more than drugs. So he quit the drugs! But now he’s hearing demons. Or something. So without hesitation, conversation, or trying to understand. His wife picked up their kid, drove off to her moms and accused him of being on the drugs again.That is..a lot going on, and I am going to guess he was a handful to deal with while on drugs for someone to just pack up like that.

He could’ve gone off after them. But no. He is staying behind. So he can record these noises and voices, and prove to his wife that he is not on the drugs, and is legit straight.

So Dan the man sets up a camera to capture sounds of spookiness and voices of demons and or the damned. He leaves this camera facing the woods and lets it record. In night vision.

What it records? May shock you.

Forest sounds. I am guessing they couldn’t really convey properly what they were hoping with sound? But, I get it, it’s fine.  He tells us he heard what sounds like children playing outside, and he plans to investigate it. He’d been told stories about a church out in the woods somewhere, that could be of supernatural happenings, but he has no idea. He’s just sober enough to believe anything he’s told.

So he goes out into the woods to investigate. Hoping he will find either Bigfoot, or a hidden church.

The only thing he finds, is bad acting.

Seriously.

This man is, this whole thing is just. Lord help us.

So his wife calls, or rather we hear a very loud sound effect of a phone ringing. He answers and has a loud discussion with his ‘wife’, I’m not saying he’s into milfs. But I am saying the voice sounds a lot older than him. Her name is Kate. She is asking him if their daughter left her favorite doll there at the house. He tells her as a matter of fact yes she did. Which he pulls up for us. We will get into this at the end as well.

She eventually hangs up on him, hearing about the voices and noises, because “I won’t talk to you until you get off the drugs!”

Well the man feels uneasy about living there, in the woods. He also says he found his door half open when he got back home. So he’s setting up an alarm at his door, to help him sleep safer. Of course the alarm goes off. Which we will talk about at the end. And he opens the door to the front of his house. Which..we will talk about at the end.

He looks around his home, the door is open, but no one came inside. He calls the cops telling them his home was broken into. He begins hearing things, apparently. And begins to think for some reason its his daughter, and not his wife.

Well saints be praised. It’s his daughter. She’s calling out to him. From the forest.

He grabs a flashlight and his camera. Runs outside and into the woods, hunting for his baby girl.

He vomits, for some reason, feeling sick, for some reason. This has happened twice, for some reason. He goes looking for his daughter, but only hears her in the distance, never seeing her. A large figure looms in the darkness behind him, to spoop us. Then vanishes. He hears his girl call out for him again, and he eventually hears what sounds like sudden and quick construction, and in the forest he comes across………..the church. Which we will talk about at the end.

He goes wondering into the church, we know how this goes, and no. He doesn’t find his daughter. Instead he finds an evil priest, with dark circles for eyes, calling him his son, and about how they will finish his….I am trying.

Like Elain Bredehoft told Amber Heard, “I am trying.”

But this is just. This is so bad.

So the evil priest tells him how he was left there as a baby, and how they were going to finish his ceremony, and that he was still not ready for….something. The priest rushes him and demon screams. Knocks Dan down, Talks to him about how is small and not ready, and not a good man, and then drags him off. If not for the subtitles, we would have no idea what was being said, because the audio is very very poor.

But he dies, somehow. No idea how. And the demon priest skitters across the floor to snarl at the camera before it ends.

And back we are. With Deputy Dipshit. Still room by room retracing his steps. While his camera does the demon thing.

With that, he begins announcing “I will shoot you!, Please come out!”, At least he is saying please, even if he needs them to come out so he can shoot them.

Well he starts hearing ghost, because the subtitles tell us it is ghost. And sure enough, sitting in a chair, in the front living room. There is a lady sitting in the chair. Telling him ‘You can’t leave’. Which we can’t hear, and he even tells her he can’t hear them, so the ghost thankfully raises their voice for him. They even spin their head around backward so he can hear them clearly.

It’s the only fun moment in the movie, which we will talk about in the end.

Now the man is trying to escape the house, which the ghost told him he can never leave. So he tries the front door. Only to be teleported to another room. So he tries the front door again. Only to be teleported to another room. Finally he makes it to the front door, again. Opens it, and he is in the garage. He attempts to break a car window open to drive out of there, as his bullets have no effect on…anything. But he is thwarted by a loud scream. So he ends up going through the door, and ends up. In a hallway, by the piano downstairs. Which is not being played by a lady in a red dress. With the only cgi in the story. Giving her a rotting face, evil mouth and skin. She goes all demon face on him and chases the deputy. Right back to the front door.

And I mean why not. Try it again. Maybe this time it’ll work.

It doesn’t.

He’s in grandma’s bedroom, where he sees the reflection of an elderly ghost. He hears a woman crying, and he pleads to let him leave, telling the ghost he can help them if he just can get out of the house. So he has to be reminded again. “You can’t leave”

So out from a closet comes demon ghost granny, flying after him. He runs out to the hallway, and meets up with evil decaying face red dress lady. He runs into the front door. Again, and you get the idea.

He ends up in a room. Lights go out, pup back on, and he spots the sister who shot herself, and she kills him. End of the fucking film.

The end.

Do not support this shit.

I mean support artist, support independent cinema, and support people trying to make film. Sure. Yes. Absolutely. It takes a lot to get your vision put out there. This was just bad.

Like bad. Bad.

The effects of this film, we can in deed call them ‘special’

The locations, absolutely special.

The sound effects, also special.

The acting. The most special of all special.

This is what super low budget looks like, and sounds like. The movie really suffered from poor audio. Which was very evident from the start, and it’s not really their fault. That’s something people realize while making a film is actually surprisingly difficult. From me having been editing audio and video now for way more years than I care to be reminded. I can tell you. If you go out, and by yourself the most amazing, and expensive microphone. Or a boom mic? Whether you are making a film, or doing streaming, podcasting? What you want, is professional quality sound. What you hear others having in podcast and streaming, is radio quality sound. But when you try using this equipment and think it’ll work like that. It does not. At all.

These things will pick up the smallest fart escaping your cheeks. The fan behind your desk and chair. A phone in the next room. You breathing, sighing. Teeth clicking. And it can even pick up the sound of saliva slapping in your mouth. I’ve had to listen to that, and edit it out. Trust me, it’s there.

So you learn you need to use things to make the audio sound clear and crisp. To nul out those background noises. It takes time and settings to do so. It takes a lot of time, or can. But even then. There’s still a lot to work on. It happens in professional movies too. That’s why they dub some scenes at times, and most the time it works. Other times you can tell a scene or line was dubbed.

This movie used voice over. Not dubbing.

Every. Single. Scene. With the deputy. Was voice over. How can you tell? His tone. It comes down to reading lines in front of your computer, or a makeshift recording room. If it isn’t that? It’s the fact your actor has no emotion, because they are reading the lines, and it comes off as lines being read.

Every time he spoke, it sounded like I was playing a knockoff game of Outlast or Resident Evil 7. Because the lines come off so generic without any sign of emotion or engagement. It just sounds like someone reading from a page, and looking at the screen. If they had one. It’s just bad, it also breaks your immersion in the film. Every sound effect, his radio squelching, the phones ringing, tv static. All of that. Is stock sounds that haven’t been properly edited. The phone call from the Speak No Evil story bugged me. Because it was a generic ringtone played without volume leveling, it sounded like a stock file from a cd you get at Office Depot that says 1,000 sound effects! Then the phone call itself. The actress was either with him in the room, reading her lines, or again, they were voice over. There is no distinction of her talking from a phone, it just sounds like someone standing nearby. There is an effect, preloaded in Adobe Audition. Called Telephone. Even Cellphone. Which adds that tone to your voice. I know these people knew it, because they used it at the very beginning of the film. They could’ve done something with that there.

But it was funny. Because you hear her very clearly speaking to her husband. But when she hangs up. There was no sound for the call ending. So the guy just screams out loud, and his response is just…blank.

A lot of these people, I am going to assume. Had no experience with what they were doing. And maybe had one or two people who did. And those were the visual effects person, and main camera man who shot the primary story stuff.

Each kill that happens is of course off camera. We hear sound effects, that while stock, are supposed to give us the creeps as we hear squelching and cronching. But because it hasn’t had any proper editing. It just sounds. Well. Like hearing the Wilhelm scream. You always recognize it, no matter how low or high they play it. It always sounds the same.

The part that made me laugh, Was when the ghost is telling the deputy he can never leave. It’s like a bad SNL skit. WE the audience cannot hear the ghost. Two…three times it says the line? And we can not hear it. So the deputy tells her “I can’t hear you” and as I said, the ghost speaks MORE clearly, and turns its head all the way around to stare at him afterward. He sees this, gun in hand, and says “Okay I am going to leave now and get some help”, but the way he says it….Jesus Christ on a pogo stick.

There was a film I saw, when I was a kid, I still remember. Because it was so fucking horrible. It was a remake of Stephen Kings Maximum Overdrive. There was a lead actress in this thing, that could not act her way out of a wet paper bag. Which is the first time I heard someone use that saying. I learned this on that day. The one scene I keep replaying from that movie, was the woman having just witnessed a man killed by a truck, is giving orders to another man, and he ask her “What’s wrong with you? Aint you scared?” and she says. Completely monotone. “Are you kidding. I am more scared than I have ever been in my life. Let’s go.”

It was just so. So bad. So, painfully bad, but funny.

This just sounded again like a video game dub. Were the hero see’s something absolutely surreal and horrific and all they can do is make a quip, while rushing to escape. It just comes off bad, and just. Shit.

In the Speak No Evil movie. There’s a scene where the actor is scene vomiting suddenly into a toilet after his trip into the woods. It’s trying to indicate anytime he is close to the church or evil. It is effecting him. He had his head hung over the toilet, and they had him making very obviously fake vomiting noises, while dropping things into the toilet. Vomit does not ‘plop’.

If you throw up, and you hear a solid plop in the toilet? You need to call 911 immediately. That is not a good thing. From your butthole a plop is expected and fine. Throwing up something large and solid, not so good.

Even in the woods. He’s emptying a bag with a tube of vomit, and he’s still making barfing noises that just…you can’t get those on a sound effect cd from office depot. But you can find them better done on youtube.

But the funniest part of that story, the “oh my god” part that made me feel pretentious for smirking at, and I hate. When he goes to look outside the front door to his ‘house’, when someone he believes broke in, the same house he talked about being out in the middle of the woods? The moment he looks outside. This is not a house. This is an indoor apartment. You can now tell, this guy thought to make a spooky movie, because the back of their apartment faced a creepy looking forest. What’s more, is the picture he shows us of ‘the church’ the haunted church that he went looking for. The picture is of a real, very old timey church. The building he finds in the woods? That is not a church. That is a shed. A shed.

Like this movie. It would make more sense, as a film project done for say…a festival. Like a local talent thing. Like you and some friends have a week, a few days, maybe 2 weeks to write, shoot, and produce a film. Then they’ll show it at their event. That would make sense. But releasing this thing on video and dvd? No…..no.

This type of stuff is like what used to happen when video rental stores were popping up. They needed to fill their shelves. So they’d accept home made movies from people like you or me, and pack the stores with them. All kinds of poorly made, filmed and conceived shit. Just poor, poorly done shit. The fact this still is happening. It bothers me so.

Again, I am all for supporting filmmakers, and getting your movie made. You go, you make that movie. But when it’s done that poorly, and that badly. You shouldn’t be giving out participation trophies. Let alone making this a trilogy? I just….maybe they get better?

Because this one. This one really was not. At all.

Don’t get me wrong, there is worse out there, far worse. But this isn’t far off.

I really, really wish that I could’ve watched Occult, Had I known anything about this being an anthology, I wouldn’t had bothered. But we did it. We survived. And at what cost, I ask you. At. What. Cost.

I will hope, and burn some incense, asking mother buddha, and Pazuzu. Maybe even the big deities, Elvis, Prince, and the holy Leonard Cohen,

For it was he who taught us, there is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.

Well stay far from the crack of this things ass, for that is not light you will see at the end of that hole. It is something far stinkier and less prone to aging well.

I need a drink before I talk about this again for the audio recording.

Until tomorrow, If you see a person in a chair, and their head turns around completely? If you see a creepy clown at your door step in the dead of night? If you hear demons outside your door? Squeeze gats till your clip is empty.