SPOOPYWEEN DAY 22 EXORCIST: BELIEVER!!!!!

Day 22

Exorcist Believer

It was bound to inevitably happen.

I can’t say it surprises me anymore, it really doesn’t. Like I used to joke with people. Long, long ago. Back before gaming keyboards were a thing, and the idea of paying over $40 for a mouse was insane. When hard drives were the size of Stephen King novels.

I used to tell friends “The day I know the world is coming to an end? Is when they decide to remake I Spit On Your Grave”

We used to laugh about that. Because who the fuck would remake that movie? More importantly. Why.

Then the remake happened. Followed by a sequel. Followed by an actual sequel to the original film.

Now. My one and only hope. Is they never remake JAWS. Or that I won’t be alive when Spielberg dies, because when that man does. Someone will snatch those rights up. And they’ll remake it, along with E.T.

But the signs were all there, that something evil was rising. It started with the announcement of an Exorcist television show. I made it a handful of episodes in, and each time I just got a little drunker, and a little more dead inside. Always asking myself why.

Why am I watching this.

Why did this get made.

Why did they do this.

Why Dimi, why? Why you do this to me Dimi? Why?

….for those that don’t get that, it’s a quote from The Exorcist. When father Karras’ mother was put in a hospital by her brother, and Karras knew this would drive her insane being there. He tried telling her he was taking her home, he’d get her out of there. But she thought he did that to her and put her there.

I didn’t have to explain that, but I did. Because I genuinely love The Exorcist.

Not just the film, but the books. The first one and its sequel Legion. I love both the books and those two films. Honestly they both play well and tell a similar story from two different angles. Both very well.

There are few horror franchises let alone film franchises I’ve invested in. But the Exorcist franchise is one of them. Much like ALIENS, and JAWS.

The Exorcist is no stranger to horrible and unneeded sequels. The second film was…a film. It had interesting ideas, but the whole thing generally felt like the sequel to 2001. An unneeded film that tried answering questions it didn’t need to, and tried repeating the ending of the first.

Exorcist 3 wasn’t a big hit. But it was made by the author of the original, who also pinned the script. What happened with that film, was what would plague the series after. Studio interference. They wanted it to be a horror film with. More horror, and something called The Exorcist. Needs to have an exorcism. So they made an over the top one. The directors cut is far better and made a lot more sense. But still wasn’t as perfect to most. I still enjoy it, once you know the story behind it, and the novel. Its easy to love it.

Exorcist 4 is what Justice League and The Snyder Cut were for The Exorcist back then.

See Exorcist 4 was meant as a prequel to the first film. It would depict the first encounter between Father Marrin and Pazuzu. Only just like Exorcist 3. The studio did not believe in the vision of the director. So they began reshooting the entire movie. With a new director. As I recall parts of it were even being refilmed at the same time. So eventually they shelved Exorcist 4 and put out the studio reshot version titled Exorcist The Beginning.

That movie flopped horribly. No one liked it, and the first director came out saying how his version was better, different, and more in line with the first. So. The studio decided to throw money at the film they discarded originally, and finished it. Releasing it later on as Exorcist Dominion. It also failed.

Both told the story of Father Merrin and his encounter with the devil. But the only difference between the two. Was one had him triumphant over evil, and the other had Merrin defeat the devil, at the expense of losing anothers life. So evil triumphed.

After that no one wanted to touch the franchise and it sat dormant for many years. Thankfully.

Until like Michael Myers being freed from the mental hospital to be transferred to another facility. It broke out.

And this Exorcist Believer was made.

By the same man people praised for rescuing Halloween and giving us a proper trilogy. Which no one liked. Except for the first film.

Which even that was, a bit of a hard sell.

But he is now the man you apparently go to when you want to resurrect a dead franchise, and milk the corpse for more cash.

I am not expecting this film to be good.

I am not saying that because I am ready to hate it, I just question our needing it. But I still will see it. Just like I sat through every Alien and Predator film. Even Requiem. Because I have to see. I have to know.

The only reason I believe this wont be good, is because of the hard truth of films today.

Ever since the Pandemic. They’ve been releasing films between home and theaters. Then they tried making it strictly ‘Theater exclusive’, but even with people coming to the theaters once more. They still release them on streaming. They just tend to wait 3 months or so. Giving the films time to do well at the Box Office first. Sort of like how studios bank on Home Box Office and International Box Office.

So the new trend, is that. When a film is doing well. It’ll stay in theaters longer, and eventually release on digital. Like Oppenheimer. But if a film is doing poorly. The worse it does, the sooner it arrives on digital. In hopes that they can make some money back on the film they didn’t get in box office returns. Like The Little Mermaid live action remake.

This film released theatrically October 6th of this year. It came out on streaming 17 days later.

17 days…

Save your servant, who trust in you. Have mercy on me, O lord.

That’s a quote from Exorcist 3,

So enough stalling. I no longer drink. And in fact more than ever in my life I feel less like Father Karras, and more like Merrin. Tired and waiting for my end.

So with that, let us venture into the void, and ask ourselves. What a wonderful day for an exorcism.

The film

Haiti. We begin in Haiti. With our first homage to the original film. We immediately open with two dogs fighting on the beach. While our main families father takes photos. With a hipster camera. In the original film during Marrin’s opening at an excavation in the middle east. He spots two wild dogs fighting during a wind storm and comes face to face with a statue of the demon Pazuzu, whom he’ll face at the end of the film.

Here it’s just a member berry. Haiti is filled with kind and beautiful openly religious people, and one of them just cant help but wish to give our expecting mother and wife of the photographer a blessing. For her and her baby.

Which didn’t work out so fashionably for her. As a large unholy earthquake hits and the mother is badly injured. But lives long enough to give birth to her child, and give her husband some parting words, “Protect her”

And with that. She’s dead. Angela is born, and the single father daughter team now live in Georgia. 13 years later.

The difference in this film, from the original. Is we have two girls we are focusing on. Both the same age. From different families. One is a loving single dad trying to make the best of what he can raising a daughter on his own and dealing with the loss of his wife. Making a living with photography. Dealing with the worst white people imaginable. Speaking of that brings us to the next girl in this film. Who’s only fault is having a father who is overly strict and listens to Fox News because fake news is everywhere else.

But the important thing is that these two girls are friends. They hang out together, the laugh together, they summon spirits in the woods together.

Hm?

Yes that’s right. These two girls right after class decide to randomly go outside and summon spirits to ask them yes or no questions. Typical teen stuff.

The difference between this and the original? Where yes, Regan was using a quija board on her own and told her mom she contacted a spirit named Captain Howdy. Who we learned later to be Pazuzu. This was how the demon got to her. The difference here is that Regan was using the quija board because she was bored. Her mom was always gone at work on film sets, and she went through a bunch of board games daily with her babysitter. She found the quija board randomly and decided to play with it. The innocents of youth being corrupted. Here we have a girl obsessed with the passing of her mother, using this as a means with her friend to contact spirits. In hopes that the spirit contacted will be her mother.

As you can guess things don’t go so well. Both parents haven’t seen or heard from their girls all day since school. So they get together and begin searching, eventually finding themselves in the woods seeking out their girls.

Unfortunately no one can find them. All they find, is a shoe. So they head to the police, which is where we get a full helping of background from the two families. We learn Angelas father shares a connection with his daughter. Making them super close together, unlike the other family. Cathrines father is unhinged and unable to act rationally. Where Angela’s father is the calmest of all of them. Cathrines father is taring the room apart, cussing out Angela’s father. Apparently these two kids were super best friends. But their parents never knew they were friends. Which seems highly odd, and very unlikely. But then again this is a new generation. In the end both are worried and unable to do much. Well one family at least. Angela’s dad gives the police his daughters scarf, figuring the police dog…cadaver dog might be able to pick up her scent. Meanwhile he’s going to do some independent investigation on his own. Visiting a homeless shelter near where the girls went missing. Figuring maybe these kind people may know something.

Instead they all are apparently sex offenders, who all talk about nothing but how the girls likely left home to get banged by homeless people for fun and a new daddy. Which is, definitely a choice to go with in your story. But alrighty then.

Whats also a choice. Is Angelas neighbors. A friend of her fathers who trains at the local gym with him, decided to invite himself over into the mans home, and. Of all things. Have two priest of….I don’t know what religion. Come over and randomly start throwing blessings, lighting sage, and performing a ceremony over Angela’s bed. Doing this promising it will bring her back home.

Thankfully, I do mean thankfully.

Her father is absolutely pissed about this and tells him to get the fuck out of his home. That? Is honestly the most believable thing in this film so far. I mean who the hell lets themselves into your home, unannounced, and more importantly. Just takes it upon themselves to randomly throw a blessing ritual in your home?

It’s the start of something I don’t think I’m going to like if it continues. Because I’m sensing the start of a theme here. A not so subtle one. Which is to be expected with most modern horror today, unfortunately.

But thank Xenu the girls are found! They managed to walk into a barn miles away from home, and were reported immediately. Saints be praised. The girls are rushed to the hospital with police escort and…two things happen that are both just…Well ones a member berry, and the other is oddly out of place, and again not something I really think fits.

The member berry here, our second one thus far. Is both girls are being questioned by a team of doctors. Each is being given a rape kit examination. Which we are not shown in detail. But given just enough as to make some people squirm at the uncomfortableness of the procedure. Especially given the girls ages. The rape kits are being done because the girls story to the police is that they don’t remember how long they’d been gone for, they don’t remember what happened after school in the forest. They just remember walking. Figuring with the time being as late as it was they’d get in trouble. So they kept walking…to avoid trouble. That doesn’t really make sense but we’ll go with it. But this is the reasoning for the rape kit examinations. The call back here is the first film when the true horror that made everyone squirm in the original, was all thanks to showing the medical procedures Regan went through while the doctors tried testing to see if she had any issues mentally, with her brain or anything else. The main difference here is that those procedures though modern at the time looked incredibly horrifying, and incredibly dark age in method. This, a bit less so. It doesn’t carry the same effect, and in the original it had a place. In this case, both girls were missing their shoes. But neither had lost or torn clothing or signs of physical harm. But it still makes sense.

I just don’t like that something like this, a rape kit, is being used to mirror similar scenes from the original which were tonally opposite and played very, very differently. Also to add to the member berries. The girls are acting out of it, and a bit confrontational. Like Regan did during her exams with the doctors. She’d seem euphoric at times, spaced out, angry suddenly, or cussing the doctors out. Here Angela is confrontational, bewildered, and her friend is euphoric and out of it.

The other thing, the one that doesn’t make sense. And if this is how hospitals work. It’s news to me, and still doesn’t make a lot of sense. But again. We are shown a difference between the families. Where Angela is being cared and looked after an entire team of black doctors. Her friend is in the whitest white room surrounded by crackers.

Had the girls been tended to by all female staff teams administering the test? That’d absolutely make sense. Having two teams of two different racial backgrounds treating them? That seems… a very odd, and out of place choice. I don’t know it just struck me as a ‘why is this here, why did they do that’.

But the idea here, is that the girls in their minds, they’ve only been missing for a few hours. In reality, they’ve been missing for 3 days total. Their feet are somehow covered in blisters, warts and growths.

But thankfully, and to no ones surprise watching this. The girls come up clean. All test show nothing happened. They’re all perfectly normal, healthy, no trauma and nothing bad. The girls are just acting weird because they’re teenagers, and they also have enough strength to punch and crack glass without batting an eye. So time to send the girls home.

Which you can guess. Goes as well as can be expected.

Angela’s dad, Victor. Is beyond happy having her home. He’s tucking her in, asking gentle none pushy questions about anything she’d care to talk about, and she politely tells him to leave her the fuck alone. Which is cool, and he does. He’s got teeth to brush after all. Which would totally be fine, if not for the fact his daughter is out of bed flicking the lights on and off.

It’s only moderately annoying. But she doesn’t pay the electric bill, so she can just leave those the hell alone. Also its been my experience any time you fuck with someone in the bathroom brushing their teeth and you mess with the lights. They might turn around and recreate Jurassic Park, spitting foamy toothpaste all over your face.

Which is what her dad does. He makes a primal dinosaur screech, spit toothpaste all over her face and slaps the back of her head “Child what the hell is wrong with you? Get your ass to bed and stop playin with the damn lights!” So off goes the possessed girl to bed with toothpaste on her face, leaving her and the demon wondering what the hell just happened.

Sadly that did not happen. He just ask her what she’s doing and she shrugs, he sends her to bed. Goes back to finish brushing, only to have her suddenly up and doing it again, asking if he said something. He tells her no and sends her back to bed. Again.

As morning comes, sunlight spills into the house. The dad is cooking up his famous pancakes. Birds are singing, and this bitch is getting mother trucking Rocky Road ice cream with breakfast.

I started laughing. Not because it was bad. Not because it was unreal. Or because damn I wish I were that lucky. But because it reminded me of a famous comedy sketch done by a comedian we aren’t supposed to like anymore. Bill Cosby. It reminded me of his joke where his wife asked him to feed their children and get them ready for school while she slept in. So he did so, not knowing what to do or make for breakfast and his youngest asked for a piece of chocolate cake. So he gave it to her. Then the other children woke and they saw what she had, and they also wanted it. So they all had chocolate cake. Which they celebrated and sang songs about his greatness for this cake. Until mom woke up mad as hell and asked why they were eating chocolate cake, and the kids turned on their dad.

It popped in my head, it made me laugh and. Well yeah. Rocky Road for breakfast. Goddamn man.

Well this breakfast of champions unfortunately does not get his daughter to rise and shine.

As Victor begins shaking his daughter like a British nanny to wake her. He realizes his daughter does not smell of spring time Downy soft sheets. But of asparagus and boiled eggs. Angela has pissed herself and soaked the bed.

So this morning is not starting with Rocky Road ice cream, but a shower, and clean ass bedding.

Or at least it would start that way. If not for the fact his daughter apparently is the winter soldier and has been activated. She creeps up behind her dad, strangles him with her moms silk scarf and somehow. With a silk delicate scarf. Manages to full on body slam him to the ground. Walking off and deciding to drop to the floor and shake herself like a baby held by a British nanny.

So back to the hospital with her.

She is full on cussing, crying, pleading and possessed now. Miracle of miracles.

Like this film is not wasting any time. Fuck story, fuck backstory. We need the demons, and she’s getting them. They sedate her, strap her down, and take photos. Because her toe nails, and finger nails are bloody and peeling off. Somehow. Her feet are pickled and worse. Somehow. Her thighs have cuts all over them. Deep ass knife cuts. Somehow. And she has a far off distant look in her eyes.

She’s not just possessed like Regan was folks. This girl is SUPER possessed. Boy howdy.

What about her bestie you say?

Well she gets her turn as well. Just not as big a back story as she got because well. She’s not the main demon girl. Though they are both possessed besties. Which honestly has to be a demonic first. Like somewhere a demon is getting a lot of nods of approval like “Wow, Jerry really did it, he got two girls in one go? Yeah I know I thought he was lying too but, by Satan I tell ya. Jerry did it. Wow Jerry man. He’s going places”

So Cathrine thankfully was not fucking with the lights while her parents readied for bed. Instead she was genuinely concerned. She didn’t want to be left alone, she asked her mom if she could sleep in bed with her. Just like Regan did with her mom in the first film, because “My bed was shaking”.

Well her mom is cool with her baby sleeping in bed with them, just so long as she gets up tomorrow for church! Because their daughter is a HUGE figure at the local church, and youth church group, she’s all about the Jesus and the book. The GOOD book.

They are really hammering this home. Because we need to recreate another member berry. Like Regan when she announced to the astronaut at her moms party, that he’s going to die in space. And then pissed the floor.

Well we need to recreate that scene. But in a church. Because that was the 70’s and moms don’t have get together drinking socials like that anymore.

So lets go to church!

Best idea ever.

Katherine can’t sit still, and who can blame her. Church was not the most happening place to be. Staying awake was worthy of getting good points with the lord. I know. Thankfully my family didn’t want to put anyone through that, so we didn’t go. Amen.

Well Katherine is having the best fun she can in church. Acting like a 5 year old. Taking her shoes off in church, picking up pamphlets with her toes. Her younger sister and brother also…spot her doing, something. Weird.

I mean she wasn’t ‘doing’ something, but rather it’s implied she. I don’t really know.

This is a weak ass member berry, and not really one you should try to be proud of, or try to recreate, unless you have the balls to carry through.

I sense a rant in coming. Oh lord yes. Yes it is a rant. A RANT O’LORD!

In the exorcist. Book and film. Certain things happened, specifically that were meant to shock you, and fuck with you. One that everyone remembers, and is really a good one to debate. Is the head spinning. It is said by Marrin that the demon works to deceive them all. It uses tricks of the mind. Did Regans head really twist around completely? Or was it a trick of the devil? It is explained to be a trick, but seeing it, the actual effect was pretty shocking at the time and no one expected it. Even in the book it was something surprising.

But the scene that took balls. And they stuck with. For complete shock and repulsion. Was Regan screaming not just stop but, “Make it stop!” meaning the demon. As it raped her with a metal crucifix that was being stabbed violently into her crotch, while the demon snarled out ‘let jesus fuck you’. All while Regan cried for her mother and screamed for it to stop hurting her.

That was a lot back then, and still today. Much like I Spit on Your Grave and their very bold depiction of rape, showing absolute ugliness and horror throughout, without ever shying or cutting away. The film became notorious for this, and many, many people could not deal with the crucifix scene in the exorcist either. It upset a ton of people and became a known scene from the film. It’s still pretty hard to watch.

Does the film actually have balls to do that? Let alone in of all places a church?
I mean shit dude. That would take grape fruit sized testicles for anyone to consider pulling off.

But no, they do not. What they do instead, and I really. Truly believe they shouldn’t had even tried.

Is her two youngest siblings look over at their sister, giving her an odd look, as her hand is..moving, under her dress.

It is, implying. She is doing….something. Under there. In church. And the look they give each other is hugely awkward, as if they know what she’s doing. Which they shouldn’t. And they look away.

Firstly. Don’t. Just. Don’t. Its bad enough when remakes, reimaginings, and reimagined retconned sequels do this shit. But a scene like that?

It is a prime example of something I’ve ranted about before. You either shit or get off the pot. You do it, or you don’t. If your intention is to shock the audience and make a scene that is reminiscent of or purposely meant to invoke in you the same scene from the original? Even and especially THAT scene?!

You either commit to it, or you don’t do it. These people did it, in the safest, loosest, not even half assed attempt. Just in a way that ‘implies’ it could be what you know it’s supposed to be. But it also could not be. It’s the safest form of playing safe. It’s like being in the late 90’s wearing spermicide and a condom, and having your girlfriend wear plastic wrap around her groin. While also taking the pill, and both of you having been tested just in case, and adding a second condom. Just for safety.

The whole goddamn thing is pointless and unneeded. You could have her do any number of things. But if you want to come off edgy and imply she’s rubbing one out on the church bench? You gotta make the choice. You do it, or you don’t do it at all and instead do something worse. Have her take a shit on the bible, or throw up on an old woman. Have her rub feces on the cross or piss on the carpet and call it a day. But don’t fuck around with shit you aren’t willing to accept the consequences for. The director got a lot of shit for that crucifix scene, but the movie was still a memorable shocking hit that had people running to church, throwing up, and leaving the theater terrified. This is just dumb.

Well thankfully for us Katherine has decided there is more fun to be had in church when you wonder off on your own. Like breaking bottles of wine, eating all the body of christ wafers, and spilling wine all over yourself, your white clothes and church robes. Just before walking down the isle of the church and screaming The Body and Blood.

You know? I gotta say. Angela had it worse. That girl lost her goddamn toe nails and fingernails. Pissed her bed and worst of all, she didn’t get her rocky road ice cream.

This girl just threw a normal fit in church. So obviously she’s possessed.

Seriously. Her actions in church were enough for her mother to begin immediately saying her daughter, and Angela are both possessed. She actually talks about how Jesus died, and three days later came back. Just like their girls. Implying that the girls went to hell, got possessed, burned their feet in hell, and came back after three days.

Well her father isn’t buying this. He calls this, weird Pegan stuff. And Victor believes everyone should just go home, and get some rest.

Well as we are in full blown possession mode now. Everyone is talking about religion and good versus evil. In fact a nurse, who gets shocked by Angela the demon talking to her about an abortion she had. She tries to tell Victor about a book that might help him. That she read a book about something similar to whats happening, and feels it could help him. A book. By no surprise. That was written by Regan’s mother. About the possession. Regans mother. Wrote a tell all book. About her daughters experience being possessed, the death of the two priest, and made a living off it. The same woman who in the first film said she didn’t want anything to do with the press or anything, she didn’t want to deal with bullshit or doctors. She just wanted her baby girl back.

Well everyone has to make a living. Speaking of shoveling shit in our faces. We need to have Victor tell the audience his stance on religion. As he dismisses the book the nurse offered him, she ask him if he believes in god, rather “You don’t believe in god?” and he replies “I don’t believe in the question.” He doesn’t like how people turn to good and evil when things happen they can’t understand. All because of his wife dying. That his wife dying, and his baby being cut out of her belly was all the proof he needed religion and god aren’t the answer. Boo fucking who. I’m not big on religion myself, Even as a buddhist now. But I actually side with the nurse when she flat out tells the guy, the fact his wife died and the baby was saved? Makes his daughter a miracle.

Well the man gave us his belief so we can have it brought into question later. Because again. Karris questioned his faith. Because he didn’t believe anything he was doing, saying was helping people. It was just words, and some of the problems he was being asked to deal with, and solve for people. He didn’t feel he could do it. That they needed help far beyond his own. You could see when he visited his mother at the hospital how uncomfortable he was in his priest garb. He actually tares off his collar which a woman claims as her own. He hates how people clung to him as the only savior that could help them, being close to god to resolve their issues through faith. There’s a lot of moments, even subtle ones we are given where we are shown his struggle with it and his position within the church as a Jesuit psychologist.

Here we get one conversation for 30 seconds from a grieving father who stopped even mild interest in faith, because his wife got their baby blessed and died.

So the nurse manages to get him to stop his speech and shove the book in his face. Telling him to check it out and get learnt.

Which brings us to the most cringe part of this goddamn boring movie. And make no mistake. Out of laughing remembering and laughing about a joke told by a guy who now went to prison after being accused of drugging and raping multiple women. This movie has had not one fucking moment of entertainment, let alone scare. We got 50 minutes left, and we are now at the point, We are introduced. Not reintroduced. But introduced. To Regans new mom. Complete with the worst retooling of Tubular Bells. The main theme from the Exorcist.

Now I say Regans new mother. Because. This is not the woman we saw in the first film. This is a new character. This is Laurie Strode 2.0.

Part of what worked, and sold the story of The Exorcist, both in book and film. Was that the mother, was not hugely religious. She was an average person. When things started going haywire with Regan. She took her to the hospital. They all told her it had to be something in her mind. So she went to every specialist she could. Being wealthy she could afford the best, and she went to all of them. Exhausting every route possible and every specialist available. Even psychologist. She ran the gauntlet and none of them, modern medicine, doctors, scientist. No one could explain what was wrong with her daughter. It took one of them mentioning seeing a priest. That the idea of demonic possession. Whether one believes in it or not. Whether real or not. Can be a strong thing that some people mentally will cling to, and only the aid of a priest can, sometimes help with that.

Even then in the film. They aren’t telling her your daughter is possessed get someone to get the demon out of her. They are simply telling her that sometimes people develop mental disorders, another personality which they identify as evil, and if faced with what is associated as a force for good against evil. Can help sometimes to undo this damage. It isn’t until she sees her head twist fully around. Her daughter levitate from the bed, and her speaking in voices that she fully believes she actually is possessed. And even then Karris isn’t willing to believe it either. It takes a lot to get him to buy into it.

But this woman. She was a strong independent smart woman. She did everything a reasonable person would and should do in her case. In the end, her daughter was saved by Karris and Marrin. At the cost of both their lives. She didn’t know what to do, or what the priest would do. She had no clue or idea what an exorcism entailed. All she knew was what father Karris warned her about. As he warned her that doing an exorcism could cause more harm than good. He told her what could happen, and how bad it could get. She didn’t care. She wanted them to at least try. Like she told him, you go see my daughter and tell me whats wrong with her is just in her mind.

She did everything she could to save her daughters life, and left it in the hands of these two priest. A time tested older priest who had conducted many exorcisms, and a priest psychologist she trusted. They saved her daughter, Regan didn’t remember any of what had happened. And they moved on with their lives. Moving to a new home, a new city.

That was Regans mother.

This new mother. Is a survivor. She wrote a tell all book about her experience, and everything that happened to her daughter. Who apparently still didn’t remember things that happened. But was pissed off at her mother for having told the entire world about it instead of just telling her, and also making a fortune off of it. This mother, blames the patriarchy for not getting to be with her daughter during the exorcism. She actually says that in the fucking film. She flat out says “They wouldn’t let me in, my opinion? Because I’m not a member of their damn patriarchy.”

She never asked to be there. She didn’t want to be there, to see it. She heard their warnings. She didn’t want to see it. She didn’t want to see her in pain, she didn’t want to see that ‘beast’ inside her daughter. She trusted everything to these two men to save her daughter. Fuck even when Karris was asked to leave the room my Marrin, Chris Macneil went up to Karris who looked defeated. Because the demon got to him, she approached him and said

“Is it over?”

“No…”

“Is she going to die?”

And Karris looked to her, faith and strength restored and told her “No!” and he went back up into that room.

But no. She wasn’t allowed in the room, because the fucking patriarchy. For those wanting to know, even if you didn’t ask to know. Mothers are present during most all exorcisms. They do not lock you out of the room. What Hollywood shows you, and what really goes on. Super different. Hugely.

Not only did she decide penis kept her from being with her daughter and saving her. But she also decided from that moment forward. To devote herself to researching Exorcism, in all cultures and religions. She began helping those who were possessed, and researching them. She begam a demon fighter, an author, and enemy of hell.

She’s spent all these years of her life preparing for evil battles and I can’t even finish that.

I am so fucking tired of this. I mean good goddamn.

Literally. Every. Fucking. Horror. Remake. Requel. Ever since they made the new Halloween. Every. Fucking. One. Of these films. Has changed the lead woman, into a fucking survivalist, tough woman, who has spent their life past that moment growing tough, ready for an eventual rematch with the evil they faced, and that has been what their entire life has been up to that point in time.

They did it in Halloween

They did it in Chainsaw Massacre

They did in I spit on your Grave Dejavu

They’re fucking doing it here.

They killed a character, retconned a story. Replaced them with a pod person, and made them a survivalist ready for battle.

Just…just stop. Please. It’s so fucking dumb, just let people be how they already are.

Ripley was not rebranded a strong confident survivor. She had to go through hell, and face her fear a second time before she found her strength. Strong characters are made. Not forced into existence.

But this is the world we live in. This is what horror has come to, and it’s shameless bullshit.

And now we get to deal with it.

In the most comical way humanly possible. I do mean that. In both the worst ways, and the films first funniest way.

It reminds me of Deep Blue Sea. We’ll get there.

So as I said, first we get the worst remix of tubular bells. Which is saying something. Next, we get Chris the savior. She is greeted by a priest and the former nun now nurse. With revery. She is unto a god, to them. She is immediately asked if she is familiar with the churches guidelines and customs with exorcism and the such. She affirms she has, and she is immediately. Without question, taken to see Angela. Who has decided, for funsies. To scratch the name REGAN into her hospital bed. But no one brings it up. It’s just there for funsies, and Chris is not interested in this girl. She just says “She knows who I am” and ask to see the other girl. Which we learn, is being treated at her home, not a hospital. Because this family is a wee bit on the right side of politics if you catch my meaning. So they don’t believe in modern government controlled medicine. They believe in the power of the Jesus, and hashtags thoughts and prayers.

So they drive off to the house and wouldn’t you know it? The house looks empty, and destroyed. Victor finds the family huddled in a room, praying for their lives. While their daughter is upstairs, super possessed and idly thumbing through the bible waiting for Chris the savior.

Get ready for greatness.

Chris enters the room with all the swagger of a redditor who has spent 2 years googling exorcism and funneled through the deep webs to talk with actual exorcist, and is now ready to perform an exorcism. She even announces to the little girl “I know who you are, you know who I am. We’ve met before.”

The fucking dialog in this goddamn movie.

Someone, in that writers room, got a semi in their pants writing that, and thought it sounded badass.

Chris confronts the evil girl, and waste no time, she’s throwing out her best lines. Nothing like “The power of Christ compels you”, but she’s just. You know. Shouting at the devil to let the girl go, and leave her body.

All of these years. Researching and helping battle evil. She literally said she spent 10 years researching every case she could, every religions take on it, survivors. ALL OF IT. And her tactic. Is to face the devil, and shout at it to get out of that girl and go away.

Bold move Cotton, lets hope it pays off.

Spoilers. It does. In the best way possible.

You did it movie. You made me laugh twice. And both times because of other things.

Chris approaches the girl, believing she actually saved her. Only for the girl to leap onto her, and stab her in the fucking eyes with a metal crucifix. Kinda like the one Regan stabbed her crotch with. In fact.

So Chris, the savior. After her bold powerful speech. Just like Samual Jackson in Deep Blue Sea, talking about how they will survive this and  how they’ll do it. Only to be eaten by a shark immediately after.

It was funny.

Then she got even funnier when she turned into Thrawn from the Ahsoka show, and declared this a victory while having her eyes tended for in the hospital.

SO. Where do we go from here?

Well What does Chris the savior have to say?

“All religions, all faiths have some ritual with exorcism. It will take all of them to defeat this evil.”

This. Okay. Okay.

So someone already beat me to it, and I gotta repeat it. Because they were a hundred percent on the mark, and I love that someone else actually remembers this damn movie from way back. But this line. What their current plan of attack now is. It’s literally a joke made in the film Repossessed. Which Red Letter Media also had to point out, and god where they ever right.

Repossessed is a comedy staring Linda Blair and Leslie Neilson. It’s a comedy that pokes fun at The Exorcist and has Linda Blair as Regan getting possessed all over again. Near the end as Leslie Neilson is performing the exorcism on her with help from a younger priest. They suddenly stop, as the exorcism is taking place on live television. Which the devil wanted so it could reach souls through tv. And the priest announces to all watching. That they need every person of faith at the studio to help them. Which they do! They get every possible funny iteration of every religion. They do a montage, and they perform a music video rendition of Devil in a Blue Dress. Which works and saved Linda Blair.

This movie is actually doing it, and not for comedy.

They are getting all the powers together, including the lady who blessed Victors home to bring Angela back. This woman. Is a voodoo priest. We….will go with that. Otherwise their description of it in the film is…Well best left alone.

We get a montage of the Christian families living room being prepared for a dual exorcism. Two chairs are being bolted to the floor, back to back. A protective circle drawn around the chairs, The girls are bound to the chairs, each religious practitioner is readying their bibles, their holy waters, and their mojo.

It’s time for an exorcism as brought to you by Barnum and Baileys Circus of fucking morons.

Seriously, fuck everyone who wrote this. You didn’t have to do it. But you did. And worst of all someone approved it. And you filmed it. You actually filmed it, and expected to make a trilogy out of this?

Fuck at this point you could bring Tyler Perry as Madea into this and I’d believe it was all part of the plan.

Naturally as you’d expect. The religious groups aren’t fairing too well. They’re having little to no effect. For SOME REASON.

It isn’t until, madam voodoo decides “Okay. I’m ready” that shit starts going down. Not saying they’re denouncing any other religion as the one to work the best. But I am saying they picked one to rule them all. One to bind them.

I can’t even finish that joke. I just want this over.

Much like the unlearned lesson of the original release of Exorcist 3, and subsequently the other two versions of the same part 4 film. The studio hasn’t learned that subtle and reserved trumps over the top any day. The exorcism wants its voodoo time goes full tilt. We have smoke demons. Dead things being puked up out of girls mouths, and remixed audio samples from the original thrown in for fuck knows why.

So with all the spectacles under the sun thrown at us. We get a break in things. Because we need to setup a new savior for the end.

A character who is less a character and more someone in the background. Father Maddox. Maddox was the priest who greeted Chris the savior. He also was working with the church to try and get approval for the exorcism. But the church denied the exorcism request, and instead recommended a psychological examination.

Well he felt he should be the James Brown of the group. He told the nurse at the start of this exorcism. She can have his bible. His lucky bible and cross. Because she has super faith. Like lots more than he does, and she can totally battle demon where he can’t. So he’ll be in his car. Sending thoughts and prayers.

As the exorcism takes a break, Victor is tasked by mama voodoo to go outside, and dispose of some nasty demon water. As he goes outside, east of the house to do so, as instructed. He sees Maddox in his Subaru, praying. So Victor. Victor the non believer. Who now has to believe. In voodoo and jesus. Taps on the priest window and says to him “The real battle is in there”

You fuckin dick.

Just let the man be. He’s got his issues. You got yours. You got every. Well okay most every representative of a few religions in your room. You really need another? Okay pal.

So dad goes back inside, and the devil is ready for round two. All their magic and might is gone. The religious mana pools are drained. The wizards have used up all their spell slots. So its now the demons turn. What wicked evil trickery could the demon, devil. Whatever the fuck it is in there possibly have?

Oh it has the super most bad, mostest, badly baddest plan ever.

Get ready for this one if you actually didn’t see it coming, and if you didn’t see it coming. I treasure your innocence.

The demon is telling all in the room. They must make a choice now. Victor, or Cathrines mom. One must decide who’s child will live. While the other child will die.

Oh heavens whatever will they do?
Well they have to decide soon, because if they don’t pick one? The demon will take BOTH of them!

It’s like the Dark Knight, except the Joker is the devil.

So naturally. Victor can’t choose his daughter and sacrifice another.

And mama can’t choose her daughter, and sacrifice another.

The two are at a crossroads, with the devil.

HAH. Now that was funny! And a deep blues cut.

I’ll save that for later.

So what ever shall they do? Let the devil, demon what the fuck ever win?

Well that priest I mentioned? Maddox? The guy who isn’t a character just, someone in the background? Well he’s IN THE ROOM BABY!

He is IN the room, Rosary in hand, and this boy is praying mama! He is praying over both girls, and they are not having it. Those demons are in pain and growling. Good is winning for once! All the other religious heads are joining in prayer. Oh what a glorious day it is!

Until it’s not. And the demons work together and give us another member berry. The demons, and the priest. Under the demons control. Begin all turning their heads around. Until the priest neck snaps. He drops dead. Everyone screams, and both parents are flying out of the room.

It’s not even….god this movie.

When the film presents you with what is supposed to be a shocking oh no what will they do choice, and you can’t even get excited about it. And when you see another ‘oh he’s gonna save us’ character pop up. Only to fail comically, and you can’t even laugh. You just sigh?

I really want this movie over. I want to go to bed.

I don’t feel so good Mr. Stark

Well it was bound to happen. So of course it does. The two stalwart parents who wouldn’t choose to save a child and sacrifice the other. Have made a choice. And to no ones surprise. At all. Victor picks his daughter. In a moment that I felt was funny. I just couldn’t laugh. He put his dead wifes scarf around his daughter, “Here I took this from you, you can have it back, just come back to me”

It’s not meant to be funny. It felt funny. It just needs to end.

So skipping the whole spectacle. Which was less of a spectacle and more of an eye sore. The devil decides to grant Victor what he wanted. He kills the other girl, and gives him his daughter. Leaving one family to morn and hold their dead daughter as she is dragged off to hell.

So the exorcism is over. One girl is dead, the other now friendless and alive. Chris is eyeless but able to see with her heart and hands. Her daughter Regan comes to visit her, and we get to see Linda Blair, doing her best Luke Skywalker at the end of Force Awakens.

The ending message of the film? Evil touches us all, just as good does. One never really wins over the other. It’s a constant battle. Religion is a thing, and this is direct from the movie mind you. It doesn’t matter what religion, or if you go to church or even believe. What really matters, is being with other people, who have faith. A community of faith. So you don’t need religion. You just need a strong community. And with that, anything is possible.

THE COMMUNITY DIDN’T SAVE YOUR DAUGHTER!!

They needed Batman to explain to them why they didn’t need to make the choice. Instead a dick made the selfish choice. But at least he’s at peace now with his dead wife passing, and he loves his daughter, and maybe some god. Who knows.

All I know is the movie is over, If there truly is a god, there will never be another sequel. Ever. Even on Netflix, or Hulu. Even on fucking Hulu. Just let it die.

Let it all die.

The End.

What. A huge, pile of shit.

There was nothing redeemable from, for, or about this film.

It was boring. There was not one moment in this film that you could call scary. Nothing. Not one scene in this entire waste of time. Which honestly looking back at, and including the finale? There really weren’t any scenes that ‘pop’ out as the scary scene. What was meant to be scary, what scenes were meant to be terrifying, gross, spooky, whatever. Weren’t!

It was all just so boring, and telegraphed.

Which I don’t know of those two is the worst.

Having your movie be boring is a damn sin. But having a horror film feel telegraphed on top of boring? That’s just. I mean goddamn dude.

You gotta really try. TRY. To make a film, let alone a horror film feel choreographed to a point its not even being lazy, but just there. Like…god I can’t. I can’t.

This movie has taken my words from me and I just. Can’t.

Yes. I was ready for this to be horrible, and so bad I roll my eyes.

Yes. I was ready for this film to upset me with its disregard of the source.

But I was not ready for this film to be so unremarkable and empty, that it was far from boring. It was just simply. Not. Needed.

Which is worse, and at the same time. I am NOT saying this to be cruel of the film either. No. This is legitimately the film they made. Unremarkable and empty.

I seriously feel like…like the man who was ready to shit on a thing, for simply existing. Now having to convince people, warn them. That what they saw wasn’t just bad, it wasn’t even just boring. It simply was empty and unremarkable in every way. Like how do you convince people of this, without coming off as simply trying to simp for the series? Or just wanting to shit on things.

Usually.

Normally.

This is a lot easier. I can say I don’t know what failed. I can say maybe it was the writing or director, or editing. Etc.

There’s always something. Somewhere. You can link to the cause of the shit you are about to sling, or describe. But in this film. It’s just. Everything and nothing. Everything was wrong with it, but no ONE department was to blame.

They all played a part in it.

But everything. Every aspect of this. Is universally and shockingly just. So uninvolved with their project as to just not care and nearly not exist.

I’m not making a lot of sense I feel. Which is just. This movie man.

Okay. So.

You have a film, called The Exorcist.

All bias aside…you need to make sure the film hits some notes, that it includes some things.

You got your jump scares, you got possession, shocking oh shit moment, call backs, and characters reminiscent from the original. Over the top exorcism. Spinning heads, pea soup vomiting, innocent characters turned evil.

These are the basics of the franchise and what you’d expect as a check list of what to include in your movie.

For all intent. They included a large portion of these. They were all represented.

Good or bad. They covered their bases. We had all of these things, minus the vomit soup. Because that’d just be comical.

All these elements were there.

They were structured, written and filmed.

And they all delivered the same thing. Nothing.

That is a remarkable and horrible feat.

There aren’t many films. Even low budget and absolutely shit films that can say they did that. And to such a level as this one has.

I mean it’s genuinely shocking.

The idea you have a film. Not just a film okay. But an Exorcist film. Part of the franchise. A famous franchise. You have a legacy franchise with a new addition to its filmography. And you managed to make every aspect of it feel like you did and brought nothing. A franchise that even at its worst. Still managed to have something, and invoke some sensation of hate, or joy. But you bypass all of this and just make something that feels void of any sign of caring. Even on a remote basic level.

It's just. Shocking.

Now absolutely I had my rants through this movie. Because the filmmakers either didn’t have the balls to go all out, or they did the laziest approach to some scenes and moments. Yes. But when your overall film at the end of the day, is so unremarkable as to give you not even one moment that stands out even for being mad about it. Just. Wow.

Especially for a legacy film. Which The Exorcist is. That film defined horror in so many ways. It marked a place in time that a horror film ruled the goddamn cinema. It was an experience and scared the shit out of people. Instantly that gives you this sense of any film that carries this title. Any project, including the television series. It has to carry this legacy with it. It has to bare that mark and it is going to absolutely have to deliver something to live up to it.

So when you give people instead, a nothing burger. Not just a nothing burger, but the first part. In a nothing trilogy. Good goddamn man.

So what? Was this film never going to add up to anything WITHOUT the other two films? Like we need those two films to exist in order for this one to suddenly make sense as to what was being setup or would be explained in the next two?

If so man did you over calculate your odds there buddy.

But also what the hell is THERE to build upon?!

Your characters were hollow husk of living beings, played by unexciting actors who all gave the feeling they’d rather be anywhere else but here.

Not one person stood out. Not a single one. Don’t believe the bullshit videos, press, or stories online about “Oh this little girl looks so much like Regan its almost scary” “Oh these kids did amazing, they’re the best” no. Stop it. They weren’t.

They weren’t even characters.

Your main characters…

THE MAIN FUCKING CHARACTERS

THE POSSESSED PEOPLE WE ARE MEANT TO CARE ABOUT

They weren’t. Even. Fucking. Characters.

There was abso-fucking-lutely. Not one goddamn thing there. Anywhere. For any of them.

How did they know each other? How long have they been friends? Fuck even their parents don’t know. Do they hang out regularly? Was this the first time they did? No fucking clue. Not one goddamn clue.

We are given. Nothing. Not even implied friendship. Were they actually ever friends? Or just two random girls that decided to hang out one day and summon spirits for the fuck of it?

Which SOMEHOW makes it even worse.

Did they just decide to hang out, and because one girl missed her dead mom she decides to trick another girl into doing a silly spirit calling thing. JUST so she could be a selfish bitch and put someone else in danger JUST TO TALK TO HER FUCKING MOM?

Seriously that’s what makes it even more fucked up. The thought this bitch was so boo hoo about her own mother, that she’d drag a nobody from school. Let alone an implied friend. Into summoning fucking spirits, without a care past “I just wanted to know if she was out there”. So what. Her classmate or friend joins her and now gets to rot in hell, aaand we’re gonna call this a good ending?

When you talk about it that way?

When you take the written and shortened version of this films story and end? Doesn’t that sound interesting? Fucked up but interesting?

The story of a girl so obsessed with contacting her dead mom, trying to form some kind of connection to her. To a point she willingly drags another person into her plan. And that person ends up getting killed because of it. Eternally suffering while this person now has to live their life having experienced a harsh lesson not to fool with forces and things they don’t fully understand? That could be something. Easily.

But in this movie. It. Almost by a miracle. Failed to invoke anything. It did. Nothing.

Because there simply was nothing there. The characters weren’t even characters.

They never built anything.

It’s like having a rich friend, and you being of modest means, they show you their toy collection…no. Better yet. It’s me.

I used to do this when I was in my super early 20’s okay. I’ll admit it. And it is annoying now to think about. But being fortunate enough to be able to afford and adopt early on. HD technology. Investing in an HD DVD player, and a 1080p DLP television set. I invite a friend over. And begin doing the Best Buy floor sales pitch. “Oh man you gotta see this, here. Let me load up Phantom of the Opera. You gotta see the colors on this man. Here. Just the opening watch. Isn’t that unreal? Okay now look at the show Law and Order check this out. Doesn’t it look like a soap opera? Like its filmed live?! Oh oh wait. I gotta put in The Fifth Element. You gotta see this scene man. It’s just. Oh fuck it’s gonna blow your mind.”

I would cycle through all these ‘buy these films to be impressed with the possibilities of HD-DVD. Meanwhile my friend was just unimpressed and like “Uh..okay, so. Can we watch a full thing?” And I’m just there looking at them like, you FOOL. Look at how GOOOOOOOOD THIS IS!!!

These people were so full of themselves and what they had. They had the rights to the Exorcist. They were making a definitive trilogy to book end the Exorcist. This is the greatest thing ever. They’re so excited about it. They got so into it, themselves, and what they had. That they forgot to do the work, and make a movie to just enjoy. To get something out of.

There was no chemistry, even the idea of chemistry between anyone, including the girls. Who we are supposed to invest in. The story, in a long film like this. Moves itself so swiftly, that it never once lets characters develop past the most basic of appearances. Like literally: There she is. The two girls. They are both sweet and fun loving live. See them in class. They looked over at each other. Look they left the school together giggling. They are friends. Can you not tell. They are best friends. The dad lost faith in religion. And the world. His wife was a free spirit and was totally into religion. She got their baby blessed see? And he was so happy. They’re so in love. But she dead. He hates religion now. He dismisses people. See?

You get absolutely none of that. One scene. One short, bit of dialogue and we know the dad gave up on the idea of religion. Because god didn’t save his wife. And he made the choice to tell the doctors not to save his unborn daughter, but to save his wife. Only to have her die, and the baby live. So did he even really want her to begin with?

ALL OF THAT. And we are TOLD. This. TOLD this is where he is at in his life, what he believes, in literally 30 seconds or less. Out of a hundred and fifty eight minute film? You couldn’t manage to possibly fit in. Anywhere. Any kind of setup, anything at all, to show us the father struggling? To show us his trouble with faith. Anything to give his character something to grasp on to?

Fuck, any of the characters. You couldn’t in that entire run time give any amount of setup or dialogue? SCENES. To set up why we should care?

No. They couldn’t.

Let me lay this on you.

This film was 111 minutes long.

The original Exorcist was 130 minutes.

In 2 hours and 10 minutes total, the original Exorcist set up, very early on. The career and relationship of Regan and her daughter. We knew the mom was a busy actress who loved her daughter and was trying to spend more time with her at home. We learned Father Karras was doubting his faith and position in the church, we learned his mother was ill and he was trying to do his best for and by her and himself. We learned he had friends. That Chris had friends and who they were. They helped flesh out her character, and his. While setting up Regan using a board game to actively contact a spirit. She tells her mom all about this and they even communicate with the spirit together early on. You setup events that lead you to believe, could she be possessed? Could this little girl have murdered a film director who was last scene in her bedroom checking in on her? They even introduced a detective investigating this. He had very, very short, very few scenes. But they established the possibility Regan, while possessed had committed murder. They showed you the emotional struggles the mom was going through. Between being tired with the film she was acting in, a failed marriage where she was having to deal with her ex husband to give their daughter a sense of normalcy between them. They. Set up. Character. You cared. You got invested. Scared. You wanted a good out come.

That film was 2 hours and 10 minutes. It covered every base, and pulled off what a film is meant to do.

Exorcist Believer. Was an hour and 58 minutes. Nearly reaching the length of the original. Okay. It didn’t have the time the original was given. Fair. That means it can’t spend as much time on some scenes as the original right? So it’ll move a bit quicker.

The film shows us a setup for Victor and his wife, the birth of their daughter. It shows the girls hanging out in the forest and being found 3 days later. The girls are shown acting odd, and then confirmed possessed. We determine how to go about undoing the possession. The exorcism fails, and the film ends.

We are not given anything to establish moments that come up later. The father dealing with the loss of his wife after all these years is dealt with in a quick scene where his daughter says she is wearing her moms scarf to school, and he takes it off of her kindly. He explains how its precious to him. We understand he misses her and still can’t really let go. The most we get to show why the girls went out into the woods and did their thing. Was the dad finds a thin book about contacting the dead. The entire events that took place in the woods and what the girls saw, what happened? Is played out through quick flashes of, a swinging pendant, feet. Demon faces, and trees. Chris is setup by quick glimpses of a deaged interview talking about her experience with Regan and the demon, and then she discusses with Victor the book she wrote, her estranged daughter, and her battle with evil.

These are moments that, when written? Should show character development. It has the making of. But how it plays out? The only scene that actually established anything vital to the story? Was the scarf scene.

Everything else, just. Happens. The actors aren’t putting anything behind it. They’re reading lines. You have no investment. We get no time with these characters to care about them.

With Regan we were shown very little as well. We had moments of her with her mom, acting like a mother daughter team. Much like Victor and Angela. They had their father daughter moments in the beginning. That was enough to give us some kind of setup, something to care about them. But there’s just. Nothing.

If it feels like im rambling and not making a point? It’s because this movie is just. Yeah. It fucked my brain into nothingness. It’s hard to talk about because it just failed on every mark. Somehow.

Had the acting been better? Definitely would’ve improved it. Had the script been improved on? Definitely would’ve made an improvement. But again. It’s not just one department. It’s all the departments.

The acting in this film, was below the believability of a Tyler Perry movie. Which. Is saying. A lot. Shit R. Kelly standing up in his interview declaring his innocence had more emotion and entertainment than anything in this movie.

Which I realize now makes two times I’ve said sex offenders were more entertaining than this film.

That’s something.

Honestly. The hardest thing I am purposely doing? Is trying not to go on and on about the original. I don’t want to because this film is struggling to try and wobble on its own legs. But it’s hard. Because this film. Like the Halloween trilogy. Had the audacity to say. Forget the other films. This will be a proper true sequel. This is the only acceptable sequel to the original. The first film was a good attempt, and had a ‘good enough’ end. The other two films failed flat on their face in a huge pile of human shit. Failed. But they, the filmmakers. Declared it a victory, and a unique end to the series.

It was bullshit.

Now these same people come over, try telling you the same thing. We will give a proper end, to the Exorcist series.

The film did not need a proper end. It had its end. Regan was saved by Father Karras, Chris took herself and her daughter and moved to start a new life elsewhere. The sequel followed Regan and replayed the events of the first film. Which wasn’t needed, but. It still gave an end to the character. Exorcist 3 gave an end to the two priest who survived the loss of their friend in the first film, and ended the tortured possession of Father Karras who was being punished by the devil for forcing it out of Regan and trying to kill himself after. There was no more story to tell.

This was a weak attempt at a reboot, that wasn’t needed. But the funniest part of this story. Also the saddest part?

Universal paid.

Fucking paid. $400 million dollars. For the franchise rights to The Exorcist. So they could make their planned trilogy.

$400 million dollars.

For the property alone.

So that right there, is $400 million, so they can let David Gordon Green direct a ‘planned’ trilogy.

The film cost $30 million to make

$20 million in advertising

The film made $26 million during its opening week. At the end of the day domestically? It made $54 million. Given the cost to make it? That’s 4 million profit roughly.

With international box office? $53 million.

Roughly earning we’ll say $57 million profit.

For a $400 million dollar franchise. With two planned sequels yet to be written.

Those two films would have to pull off the biggest play of all time, just to try and break even.

For the record? This ended up being the lowest box office in the entire Exorcist franchise.

No one cared to see this film. They saw the trailer. They saw it was going to be shit. Reviews confirmed it would be shit. No one went to see it. Let it die.

Its sad the studio paid so much for a franchise like this. That should have just been left alone.

There were ways, this film could have been made interesting. Absolutely. With even the most modest, and lightest of effort. A different cast. A different director. A different script. It wouldn’t be hard to come up with a premise for another Exorcist film. But why would you? In the end that’s the take away.

If I ‘had’ to remake this film, with the cast it had? I wouldn’t.

It just isn’t worth it. But I mean. If you had to do it, if you were that hard pressed? Have Angela more focused about contacting her mother. Going through her things. Do with her, what they did with the older sister in The Boogeyman. Look up videos on youtube on contacting spirits. Have her friend decide to help her with this. When she does, of course it goes wrong, but its not Angela that gets possessed. It’s her best friend.

Focus the film on Angela trying to handle this on her own. Trying to figure out what’s wrong with her friend. As she starts to descend further and further, With her family believing she’s lost her mind and needs to be committed. Have Angela be the one crying trying to tell people what they did, that an evil has taken over her friend and she’s possessed. Cause a spectacle at the church. Create a huge scene that grabs the attention of reporters. The news talking about a girl that went crazy and freakin I don’t know…disrupted a funeral. Do something like that found footage film we covered where a girl came back to life in church on video. Do something like that. Just a huge dumb event that gets shown on the news. Show Angela pleading for help for her friend.

THEN YOU INTRODUCE CHRIS! Have her watching television and spotting this story. Recognizing the signs, seeing the pleading look from Angela. Have Chris contact Victor and Angela. Share her experience with Regan, and be the one to tell them “You don’t need a psychologist, or a doctor. Believe me. What you need? You need a priest. An exorcist”

Have her contact someone. Make her a someone that knows a someone. Bring in an exorcist. Have him fight the demon and try to save Angela’s friend. And in the end? I don’t know. Have the girl live. Have Victor end up possessed and roll credits with him hearing voices now and a flashing demon face.

Or have the demon removed entirely, and end the film on a ‘did they really defeat the evil? Or is it still there, somewhere’ ending.

Would it have worked better? No fucking clue.

I just have no faith, trust or want for David Gordon Green to touch or direct any classic established film. The man is not a savior of dead franchises. The man is not the go-to. Nor should he be. I don’t want to see him hurt any more franchises.

The thing is with Halloween? It made sense. You had so much still going on with that franchise and Michael. There is no single protagonist for The Exorcist, unless you really wanna try and say Pazuzu. Which even Exorcist 3 cleared up. There are just, simply films out there. That never needed a sequel. Some got them, and managed to finish their stories. This was just a studio wanting to make cash. They saw the chance with The Exorcist. Figured it’d be a slam dunk. Game the movie to David, and his………team of writers. And they managed to do the impossible, and make the Exorcist boring.

Had they just called it something else? It would’ve still been boring.

I cannot, and would not. In any kind of faith or state of sobriety, or drunkenness recommend this film to anyone. If I could remove it from VUDU I would. I would beg a supervisor. To remove the film. I don’t even want my money back. I will PAY THEM, to take that film from me.

Not because I hated it. Not because it shouldn’t had been made. Or because it was bad. The film just…was nothing. Nothing but a waste of time, and studio money.

The only good thing to come about from this whole thing? Like legitimately good thing that happened? Yes there is ONE thing that happened.

The actress who played Chris, Ellyn Burstyn? She was offered a shit ton of cash to be in this movie. She told them no. They DOUBLED their outrageous offer to her, and she decided. She’ll do the film, IF they donate all the money they were going to pay her. To a scholarship for young actors.

She did the movie for free. And all the money, the ‘shit ton’ of cash they doubled in offering to her. Was donated to a scholarship fund. That’s great. She let them take her character and retcon her. Take out her eyes, in the name of charity.

Until tomorrow. Don’t let David Gordon Green touch any more horror films. Just send him home. Goodnight