SCORETOBER!!!! Day 13 Killer Klowns from Outer Space!!

Day 13

Killer Klowns from Outer Space

It’s kinda hard to resist getting down when you hear someone like The Dickies playing. Their cover of ‘Nights in White Satin’, is one of my favorites really.

But this movie, oh man.

Their song for this movie is forever engraved in my memory. It’s etched into my eardrums and tagged on the side of my skull. Whether I wanted it there or not! Which really, I am happy for. In all its weirdness.

I AM excited to talk about this one, finally! As I’d not done so yet. But if it seems a little like maaaybe I’m not? It’s because this was a film I nearly wore out growing up. Watching it to a point where the thought of putting it on just made me want to go….you know? Maybe another day. And yet, every time it comes out in a new special edition form, I pick it up immediately.

It’s just one of those for me, and it took a while before I felt like I could say, ‘okay, let’s put this sucker on and play’, and as soon as I do. I’m back in love with it.

Everything about it is just so damn fun, over the top, and cheesy in the best way. It’s a 50’s style cornball horror film done in the 80’s about alien clowns.

They just happen to be the most goddamn freakish looking clowns in the history of ever.

Even better?

I NEVER HAD A KILLER KLOWN NIGHTMARE!

Hell I never feared clowns. And these bastards look grizzly!

It’s just a delightful bit of 80’s weirdness and if I had to. If I ran a Drive-in. Because honestly I’d love to run one over a theater. If I ran a Drive-In, I would pair this film with The toxic Avenger Part 2.

You and the rest of the world cannot argue me that this would be, and shall always be the best double feature of all time.

With that said, I got my nachos ready, I got some soda, and I’m going to introduce my cat to this film. She’s been sitting watching them with me so far. I just felt I’d mention her as she deserves credit. Maybe one day I’ll let Mittens review some films too.

The Film.

Right off the bat this film is letting you know what the hell is up, and the Dickies are going to guide us into it. Which is the best thing imaginable for this film. Seriously the song itself is worth the price of the bluray. If anyone ever ask you what the movie is about. Just play the song for them. It’ll tell them all they need to know.

But for the rest of us, we get the great joy of watching the film and its opening. We have kids being kids, hanging out at early fast food joints. People enjoying a free open life, void of any clowns from outer space. We get one of the shortest but still one of my favorite random interactions with a teen and cops in a film. Guy holding his two bags of groceries while downing a beer appropriately labeled ‘Beer’, between both bags. Suddenly realizing there’s a cop car at the street he needs to cross, The cop catches him and glares grumbling out ‘Little son of a bitch’, the kid crosses the street watching the cop drive off and sighs grumbling as well, ‘Cops’.

It's an introduction to one of our somewhat fun characters later, Officer Mooney.  Played by the always appreciated and fun John Vernon.

But who needs cop comedy now, when we have 20 year olds playing teens at makeout point!

Where we not only get to meet our two future stars of this film as they’re snuggling up getting close and comfy, Mike Tobacco(Grant Cramer) and Debbie Stone(Suzanne Snyder)

We have the perfect run time for a movie of this sort, so we’re gonna get hit hot and fast with characters. Of course they don’t have much to say when we first meet them! They’re at makeout point! You don’t go there to hang out and talk about the weather!

You go there to sell ice cream!

Which is our introduction to part of the films comic relief, and source of some fun moments later, also through my childhood experiencing this film, we have two brothers sailing up to make out point in their ice cream wagon with the best pitch for ice cream next to the Nice Dreams Ice Cream truck,

“I'm Jo-Jo the ice cream clown, we'll give you a stick, you'll give it a lick. And it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream, ice cream, we brought our goodies here to you! A tasty treat for while you screw! Let's take a break! Cool off those hot lips with our frozen fruity bars! Icy-wicy, fudgy-wudgy bars. And everyone's frozen delight, the lick a stick!”

This shit is real, and these guys are here to make a deal. You gotta give props to people willing to cockblock your romantic evening just to shill out ice cream. But that’s the life Paul Terenzi(Peter Licassi) and Rich Terenzi(Michael S. Siegel) are living. And it’s the best life.

Well okay they aren’t entirely innocent. They have other motives, and they’re also using their business as a chick magnet.

For fatties.

No, I am not lying.

As they park and try to sell their delicious ice cream treats to the horny couples dry humping, they of course get boo’d and called losers, prompting the best response to any argument, “You don’t want any ice cream? FINE! I wasn’t going to give it to you anyway!”,

Naturally his brother argues the validity of trying to sell ice cream at a spot like this, but his brother knows what he’s doing, at least he thinks he does. They don’t have much time to discuss it though as from behind them within the truck emerges two fatty patties, sucking on ice cream. They were promised. PROMISED mind you, all the ice cream they could eat, if they got in the van and hung out with these two.

Yes. They were using their business to pick up fatties. Promising them ice cream, and hoping for blowies. Bless you the 80’s. And bless these men for having a type.

Well its not going the way they’d hope as the girls ask them what the big idea is parking. They didn’t agree to no parking! Especially at make out point, and they aren’t those kind of girls. Much to the sadness of the horny Terenzi brothers. So they take off and plan their next attempt, at the drive-in.

But who needs ice cream, when we have makeout! Mike and Debbie are snuggling up and looking to get busy. There’s a chance Mike just might get to second base, maybe even steal third if Debbie lets him.

I mean what girl wouldn’t let a guy get to third base when making out in the back of a truck using an inflatable raft as a makeout bed. Seriously I’m asking, what girl would let a guy get to third base in this situation.

Well no one is getting on any bases let alone swinging at any balls, because holy sheep shit! There’s a red bright glowing meteor zooming over head into the mountains!

Which Debbie is super eager to investigate versus carrying the memory of a third base makeout in a yellow inflatable raft in the back of a pickup. Much to Mike’s disappointment. I mean the man even brought champagne!

CHAMPAGNE DEBBIE!!

DEBBIE!!!

Well his nights shifted toward another evening he’ll spend smelling like her perfume and making sweet love to the sleave of his favorite jacket. Meanwhile we gotta introduce the perfect and much needed character for any old movie style horror film. The old farmer! And we are in for a treat as it’s played by the ever wonderful and sorely missed Royal Dano, playing Farmer Gene Green. Yes folks, that is a real name. On both accounts.

Honestly though the man is a terrific character actor, he did a lot of westerns and appeared throughout a lot of films growing up for me and he’s always fun as he just has that voice you never forget.

Well Farmer Gene Green is sitting out on his porch with his blood hound Pooh Bear enjoying a quiet night, until they spy the same red glowing comet soaring overhead. He immediately declares this to be of such a magnitude that these hills will be swarming with reporters, helicopters and every walk of life between! So he and Pooh Bear gotta investigate this further before the madness starts, so they can get their piece of the fame pie!

And Pooh Bear is by far the best and most Bloodhound looking dog you will ever in your lifetime see. His lips damn near reach the floor, have face is just a melting furry blanket and they are no doubt, the bestest good boy.

So our intrepid group of explorers head out to seek their treasure and fame, only to end up finding of all things, no comet but a Big Top Circus tent! In the middle of the damn woods!

Well Farmer Gene Green loves him some circus! He loves snacks, popcorn, prizes and shows so much. That he decides hell with the comet. Lets go lookin at this circus!

Only, he is mildly concerned. As there’s no ticket booth, there’s nobody around. And he’s never seen no tent like this before. So he begins investigating trying to locate a ticket booth. Only to end up monologuing to himself, as he should be. Poor Pooh Bear though is not long for this earth. As we are introduced to our first Killer Klown. With a K. Who makes a magical hole in the side of their tent just to push out a net and capture poor Pooh Bear. Who really is so damn relaxed he doesn’t seem to care about having a net thrown on him. True to his breed and name sake. Oh bother indeed.

Naturally the sudden missing of his pupper is enough to send Gene Green into a fit and frenzy. Fuck this circus in the middle of the forest, he wants his dog! He gets so emotional so suddenly that you’d almost wonder if he was making mountain moonshine, or mountain meth. He gets SO worked up in fact he decides he’ll tare this circus down!

Now, consider if you will. If his dog had just wondered off to take a dump, or saw a rabbit. This man would react the same way. His dog for one moment leaving his side is enough to draw him into a frothing rage. Seriously this guy shouts out to God and anyone else listening that he will “Tare this place apart!” He even says the best line kids today will appreciate because he said it back before it was a meme! “What in tarnation is going on here!!”

With that the mild mannered farmer Gene Green is full on meth strong and punching the space craft big top tent, which does nothing. So he takes his rage out on the support cables instead! But that just ends up shocking the old man to the point he can’t feel his limbs so he crashes to the ground.

Prompting a Killer Klown to come out like “Dude, what the fuck? Why you mad tho”, this immediately calms and sooths Gene Green. He see’s a clown and can’t help but smile. That’s the power of clowns people.

But this is a Klown. With a K.

It’s also a Killer. Sooooo.

Yeah, he pulls out his klown pistol and starts blastin. Goodbye Farmer Gene Green, and farewell sweet Pooh Bear.

But enough of that emotional hoopla and murder of a man and his dog! This is meant to be a horror comedy! So lets talk about police brutality!

Because why not!

Besides we need it before some white racism.

We gotta check in with Officer Mooney, because this guy has only mildly been setup as hating the kids of today. So we have him enjoying life arresting two punks. Literally just typical punks with punk hair, punk jackets and punk shirts. With the most adorable punk crime.

They were arrested for drinking a bottle of wine on their way back to their dorm. They weren’t hassling anyone. Just enjoying a nice chardonnay on their way back to a place of learning.

So they were gonna get locked up for the night by the deputy who is only doing his job.

Well Mooney ain’t having it.

He’s ready to drop an atomic bomb of hellfire on these punks. Because they are punks!

He accuses them of delinquency, killing this town! Destroying everything good and right in this world! THEY ARE THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD TODAY!

His deputy, fresh from police academy does not share this belief. Officer Mooney sees this to obviously mean he has the GAAAAAAAAAYY!!!

Yes he actually says this. Because he’s not being hard on them for what they did!

HE’S PART OF THE PROBLEM!

Mooney wants to beat the crap out of everyone he arrest, ESPECIALLY PUNK KIDS!

His deputy is a cool guy though, he thinks he should cut them some slack and just put them away. Well that would just end the whole damn world the day you let punks off with a slap on the wrist! So Mooney slams the two wine loving best punk friends into a jail cell.

Now, I promised some old fashioned white people racism didn’t I? Well sure why not. It’s more. How do the kids put it today.

Not racism but…..being…culturally…insensitive?

So anyway our two formerly making out lovebirds are in hot pursuit of the comet, shooting star, now confirmed clown ship. As they approach Mike jumps on the hood of his car and begins scouting the area declaring “Chief say we go this way, travel many moons, many many many moons”, to which his girlfriend politely chuckles punching his arm adding “lead the way, chief running at the mouth.”

Somewhere a Native American sheds a tear.

So within less than 10 seconds the couple finds the Big Top Tent. Of course Mike wants to go inside. I mean tell me a guy that wouldn’t tell his date he wants to go into the clown hole.

Don’t ask me to explain that.

So naturally the couple enter the clone hole.

Is it amazing? Is it spectacular? It’s a circus tent, with circus interiors, and really satisfying to press oversized rubber buttons. I don’t know what it is but you get it right? Of course you do. Pushing oversized soft rubber buttons is satisfying and relaxing.

Anyway

So our couple explores the very obviously a ship and not a circus tent. Debbie naturally has enough instinct to know this place is not fun, nor is it for clowning around. It is indeed a very not friendly place. But Mike is a simple man, entertained by simple things. Like pushing buttons and riding space elevators into rooms with an eternal pitfall and electricity shooting balls of light.

Actually that one he’s not so sure on, it prompts a reasonable response from him of “This isn’t a funhouse”, Debbie, having nothing else to contribute she hadn’t already simply states the obvious to Mike, “Or a circus”

Mike, not wanting to be out done by this nugget, decides it surely must be something reasonable, leading to the best exchange you could imagine for a situation like this.

Mike: What is it? A nuclear power plant? A missile silo? A military base?

Debbie: No. No. No, no, no, no! This is the shooting star! We’re inside it!

This is too much for Mike, and he feels she might be just a bit off her meds with that sort of thinking.

Hearing someone possibly approaching Mike grabs Debbie and heads for another elevator. Leading them into a room lined with large cotton candy pods. A popcorn popping machine with electronic gizmos, and well. Clown tech. With a C.

Mike, the genius he is. Sees all of this. His mind has finally figured this out.

Obviously it’s a cotton candy manufacturing plant. It makes sense. This is where the circus gets their cotton candy delivered from. They found a production plant, and all cotton candy is hung to dry in large human sized pods from silly clown hooks. This also would explain why the room smells like candy. Which is just what the Bad Dragon production plant smells like oddly enough. Fun fact.

As Debbie listens to this, and debates just how cute Mike is to tolerate such stupidity. She finally breaks it down for him. “I don’t believe in UFO’s, but if they exist, we’re in one!” She tells him to open his eyes and look around. This place is a crazy circus ship and not some candy making facility. This is a dangerous alien ship, and they need to get the hell out of there.

Mike is not an easy person to reach, unfortunately. So he neverminds this and waves her off. Deciding it best to just show her he obviously is right. That of course this is a cotton candy production facility. So he reaches over to the raw produced cotton candy and tares off a delicious chunk. Only to reveal the obvious flavoring source, a bloody faced human.

COTTON CANDY IS PEOPLE!!

Now, is this enough to get Mike to finally realize that this is not a cotton candy facility? That human is not the element that makes cotton candy so delicious?

Yes. Yes it is.

But also seeing their very first killer klown is enough to convince anyone.

Trust me if you hadn’t seen their faces until just this viewing. Well it’s hard to imagine these things existing anywhere other than space.

The best thing though I have to give this movie credit for. Is all the clown tech. Seriously everything looks like oversized toys. Like taking babies toys and making them life size. Tying them to alien technology. They have plastic noise makers as levers, colorful striped interior and tools, silly straws for actual straws. And best of all. Weaponized popcorn. They are quickly discovered by the killer klown doing his clown business, and he grabs off a nearby charging station. A popcorn gun. Which truly is terrifying later on. The two begin what can be best described as, and actually is, the best comical run. It’s like Star Trek the original show style dramatized action, and it works for the film.

The clown fires off the popcorn gun, even with his targets out of range. And as he does? We are treated to the equivalent of flamethrower popcorn as this shit flies across nearly two hallways. And smothers their backs as they crash to the outside ground. The popcorn does not harm them. It just acts like shipping peanuts and sticks to every bit of their clothing and hair. Which is already annoying enough.

But it doesn’t halter their escape as the two run off back to their car and from there peel off toward town. As they do we get another piece of amazing clown tech. Do ya like balloon animals?

One of the klowns pulls out a long balloon and begins blowing it up, immediately going to work making a balloon animal. A dog. Which he attaches to a leash and yes. Uses as a bloodhound to chase down the two humans. I need a book on all Killer Klown tech. I know it’d be an amazing read.

So the two klowns, in oversized shoes, poofy costomes, armed with their weapons and balloon dog take off after Debbie and mike. Who end up backing their car up over both clowns, and popping their balloon dog. Peeling out once more and this time without being stopped.

The clowns are not too pleased about the balloon dog death, and being hit by a car. So they decide it’s time to investigate this place they’ve landed and see why these tasty treats keep stumbling onto their property. So the clowns head off for the town on foot.

Shits about to get real, and the clowning is about to begin.

But first our heroes take off for the one logical place they can think of in a case of alien arrivals. The local police station and charming officer Mooney.

What takes place, is the most genuinely honesy description of events as told by Debbie. Its short, focused and to the point. They were at ‘the top of the world’ makeout spot, they saw a shooting star, followed it, and discovered an alien ship. Then went inside, found bodies, and ran out to get help.

Mikes telling of the story, is. Well.

He tosses in the humans inside cotton candy, popcorn weapons, balloon dogs. Killer clowns, circus tent.

Officer Mooney: *whistles* Killer Klowns from outer space? Holy shit.

Needless to say it tanks their story, and Mooney has all the proof he needs that these kids are punks, trying to make a laughing stock of the police station and of them.  His deputy however. Is willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. He wants to try and reason this out. But Mooney is not going to sit back. He recognizes Mike as hanging out with the ice cream brothers. Who are Hoodlums naturally.

No one wants to listen to Mooney, so the deputy takes off with Mike and Debbie. Figuring he’ll go take a look for himself at this supposed space ship and klowns with a K. But first he will drop Debbie back off at home. Because he wants her safe. Also he’s apparently hung up on the fact that, well. He used to date Debbie, and here he is learning about Debbie having a new boyfriend and the two of them going up to makeout point together. Mike was not aware the deputy was her ex, and now gets to ride around with him. So it’s gonna be a fun night for him. Not even allowed to sit up front, but made to sit in the back because. What’s the use of having power if you don’t abuse it.

Meanwhile, what of the klowns?

Well have no fear. They are out and about.

In fact three of them are busy exploring the local pharmacy and its many offerings of cheap toys, cheap off brand tampons and makeup. I am not singling out these products. Its literally what we are shown. There is like a HUGE shelf full of pads. And the klowns naturally have to play with the makeup because. Well that’s all clowns are, just people playing with makeup.

We also start getting our first couple of kills. Technically.

We have a Klown putting on a romantic puppet show in a nearly empty park. Where a man stumbled upon the show and decides to give it a watch since no one else is present for it. He finds it informational, emotional and well done. Up until one of the puppets smacked the other and decides to pull out a klown pistol. Which gets turned around and pointed at the man, who then gets zapped.

We get a tiny klown, riding a tiny bike, deciding to hang out with some bikers because. Well they’re all bikers, it’s a brotherhood.

Naturally they do not take kindly to clowns OR klowns. So they mock him, One goes so far as to mock his bike and even destroy it. Of course this saddens the clown. He actually does cry. He just wanted to make friends. But now shits gotta go down and they gotta start clowning. So he jumps off into the sky, and comes back with oversized boxing gloves. Ready to fight over his destroyed bike. “What are you gonna do? Knock my block off?”, the klown cheerfully nods and as they fight well. He does just that. Literally knocking the guys head off. Sending the other bikers off screaming like bitches. Good for him I say.

One of the more, we’ll say memorable encounters, so much so that it was redone for the preview of the Killer Klowns video game. Minus one key element.

A klown knocks on a womans door and she answers…in see through lingerie. Which thanks to the power of 2k bluray. Well it’s clear just how sheer her lingerie is. The klown is holding a pizza box for the woman, which makes her smirk as she didn’t order pizza. Then like a clown porno. Two other Klowns appear beside the one holding a box, further entertaining the woman. Until from the pizza box pops out a small klown. This freaks her out. Of course leave it to a midget to make things creepy. And just like that she too gets zapped by what we learn, is a cotton candy gun. Yes. The klowns are turning everyone they blast into cotton candy pods.

Needless to say the entire town is under attack now at all corners. Klowns are dropping handfuls of weaponized popcorn into trash cans. Driving invisible cars knocking people off the road, and causing general panic everywhere they go.

What of Mike and officer ex boyfriend? Well they have no luck finding the tent. Apparently it came with a cloaking device of some kind. So Mike is getting the cuffs and Debbie’s ex is taking it as proof her ex is dating a liar and a punk.

Well, this is enough to give officer ex the idea to take this punk to make out point. Where he can give him what all punks need. Some tough, tender love in the arms of the law.

Only when they arrive at the makeout spot. They find a bunch of empty cars and no people. Signs that whoever was there suddenly took off, leaving their valuables and everything. So naturally this changes his plans and all thoughts of turning Mike into a bottom are gone. He removes his handcuffs from Mike and allows him to ride up front. The two are headed into town and witness finally. A klown attack. They run into a klown entertaining people with shadow puppets of absolutely amazing quality.

Now, they could save these people from a death they know is likely to come. But officer ex tells Mike “No no, wait. Let’s check this out.”

So they watch, as the klown makes one shadow puppet after another, before his grand finale. A T-Rex. Which consumes the group, and immediately they are shrunk down to fit into the closed palms of the Klown, who drops them into his case of popcorn. This is now cause enough, and evidence enough for Officer ex to decide they should do something.

Only Mike wants to do something first. He wants to ram the cop car into the klown. But the klown leaps into the sky and the car misses him entirely. Nothing left to do, but contact Officer Mooney, obviously! Of course, Mooney has no tolerance for this type of shit. He can’t stand it and he wont. They won’t make a dummy out of him OR this station! He even said that to them too. It seems a rather poignant thing he likes to let people know. That no one will make a dummy out of him.

Well let’s put that to the test. Shall we?

Well Officer Mooney was having a rather fun conversation on the phone with his silly deputy. But he has company now to keep him busy. As a klown decides to wonder into the police station. This is the tallest and definitely more intimidating of the clowns. Who is somewhat entertaining to Mooney. Until it squirts him in the face and extinguishes his cigar. Sure it was funny to the klown. But Mooney is just confirming for himself that this klown. Givin all the recent news of klowns, killing, and space. Is less a Killer Klown from outer space, and just another punk squirting water in his face.

So its time to put this klown in his place. He’s getting the cuffs on his oddly latex looking gloved hands. However life is a constant joke when you look like a klown from a planet of klowns. So as Mooney puts those handcuffs on him. The klown wonders off and, leaves Mooney holding the klowns now severed glove hands and cuffs. Much to the amusement of the klown. Who decides to roam on his own into the holding cell.

Confusing Mooney, but making his job a little easier by at least getting the klown into a holding cell area. Mooney locks him in with the two punks from earlier. Making a point to tell this klown who the law is. Klowns don’t really speak out language so he responds by pulling out a party favor. One of the all time favorite celebration whistles you blow into and a paper tube shoots out. Well this one of course is more klown tech, so when it shoots out, it wraps around Mooney’s throat and the klown kills poor Mooney. Proving his point. That Punks are the destructors of this world.

So what of our boyfriends in the cop car? Well Mike is getting out and headed off to try and recruit his two best friends and ice cream peddlers to help. While our deputy heads back to the station so he can try and explain this all to Mooney without exploding his mind.

Of course when he arrives at the station, he discovers large clown shoe prints on the floor leading him through the chaos that took place. Finding two cotton candy cocoons in the holding cell. Which we learn contain the bodies of the wine loving punks. But no sign of Mooney or his killer.

That is until he returns to the main office and finds the large klown sitting at Mooney’s desk. And gives us one of the creepier albeit short scenes in the movie.

As he takes in the sight of this Killer Klown sat there, staring with a menacing permanent grin. The klown reaches down to its side and pulls up. The man who swore no one would ever make a dummy out of, and now is presented. With rosy red painted cheeks, and bloody cuts on either corner of his mouth down his jaw. Dummy Mooney. Whom the klown shoves his hand into the back of and uses as a puppet. Giving us a scene similar to Independence day, before the movie came out, and one I hope they did use in the film to pay homage to this wonderful horror film. The puppet Mooney leans forward with the klown and grins at the deputy. Before creepily speaking out in Mooney’s now gurgled voice, “Don’t worry Dave, all we wanna do. Is kill you.”

The klown grins and retracts his bloody hand from the corpse of Mooney before dumping him to the floor. Standing up and menacingly approaching Dave. Who wisely begins firing his pistol off at the klown. Only to discover bullets won’t slow a klown down.

That is unless you shoot the klown in its one weak spot.

The nose.

As he shoots the klowns nose, the nose explodes into shinny confetti, it spins in fast circles, surrounded by light and poof. Dead klown.

At least now we know how to kill them, AND that they can be killed.

But what you say. Of Debbie?

Well Debbie is taking a shower.Because as anyone knows. Popcorn in your panties does not age well. So time to strip down and get in that shower!

The creepy part isn’t here lady bits. It’s the fact that some of the popcorn on the floor is, crawling. Her clothing which was covered in Popcorn is tossed into the clothes hamper and that also, begins to move. Which begs the question.

If you, man/woman.inbetween. get food of any kind on your clothes.

Would you just toss that into your clothes hamper? Knowing its gonna sit there, rot, smell, and have to be dealt with when you get around to doing the laundry? I mean it’s something you really should deal with instead of just storing in your clothes hamper. Right?

Damn animals.

Anyway her hamper is wiggling and dancing as she showers and just as she finishes. Feeling refreshed and farts in the shower because she always wonders why the smell is different when you fart in the shower versus anywhere else.

She is suddenly attacked! By a….klown…hydra…beast? It’s hard to explain exactly. It’s even scarier to think the number of popcorns is how many of these things it spawns. But in her clothes hamper, there are two that begin snapping out at her. Backing her up to her sink. Where her medicine cabinet opens up and two more wait inside. Tinier ones. Apparently they grow according to the space they’re given.

She blinds the two in her medicine cabinet as they bite at her shoulders, using a can of hairspray. She kicks over the laundry hamper trapping those two klown heads. Well you’d think her battle with klown headed snake hydra beast would be over with. But apparently no! When she used the toilet before her shower, she must’ve dropped off a few popcorn bits. Because a giant snack klown head is coming out of the toilet. Which sends her back against the wall to smash it in the face with her hand held shower hose.

She escapes the room, thankful for not being devoured by klown monsters. And immediately tries to collect herself and try to think of what she can possibly do next!

She hears a knock at her door and Mike calling out to her. Thank the ice cream bros for getting Mike here on the scene to rescue her! Oh happy days!

She rushes over, unlocks the door and swings it open. Only to find a killer klown! She slams the door in his clownish face and its hard not to laugh as she locks the door, puts her weight against it and suddenly the door begins vibrating from power tools. So she rushes to her window thinking this will offer a better escape route, well mostly if she survived.

But alas. There are three klowns waiting below dressed appropriately like firemen holding a tiny rescue pad to catch her. Obviously she decides against this approach and rushes back inside. But Oh no! The klowns, there are three inside her house. She’s tossed effortlessly to the couch and they’re pulling a klown gun on her. Could this be the end of her?

No of course not! She’s the only main white girl in this film. Her ass is as safe as a vegan in a slaughter house.

The gun they use doesn’t turn her into cotton candy oddly enough. Instead it puts her inside a balloon. Which seems almost odd given their weapons so far have all been aimed specifically at killing people. In some gross way or another. So why store them in a balloon? Do they turn them into klowns?! Or worse, do they select some of them for breeding?

YOU AND I BOTH KNOW SOMEONE SOMEWHERE OUT THERE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE ME!!

Meanwhile The ice cream boys are with Mike, Mike is trying to convince them that “Paul there’s more important stuff to do than sell ice cream!” But the brothers just aren’t buying it, That is until they come across a parade of klowns going down the street, gathering with a collection machine all of their human cotton candy pods. Where they play witness to an unfortunate man hiding from the klowns, deciding to run for freedom. Only to get blasted by a chubby klown and turned into cotton candy.

They are now 100% behind Mike on this invasion idea. So they decide to go rescue Debbie. Only they aren’t aware yet of her demise. That is until they make it to her home and find her now inside a balloon, tied to a klown car. Yes. They have their own cars now. The car takes off and they can’t possibly catch up with that furious set of wheels. So they ask themselves the logical question. Where would clowns hide out, if they were invading? Well obviously the carnival! So we have a destination AND we are ready for the final act of the film. Which if you have never seen this before. Oh you are in for a weird ass trip with no idea what turns and twist we will be taking.

Thankfully the ice cream lovers with a proclivity for fat bottom girls, and Mike will not be alone. As they speed off in their clown ice cream car. They run across Dave in his officers car! He’s following after them and ready for some klown killing! Also rescuing his ex in the off chance it’ll get him some good boy points.

Sure enough the carnival is just where the klowns were headed and indeed hid their ship. Unfortunately we need another kill for the film just to make sure we used every clown gag we can. So the Killer Klowns run into the carnival security guard. The klowns comically come out of their car, one klown after the other. Because clown car. They then arm themselves with cream pies prompting the guard to give them a fuck around and find out look as he ask “Just what are you boys planning to do with those pies”

If you have to ask, you thankfully missed out on clowns growing up. They throw the pies at the guard. And then more pies. And more pies. They smother the officer in dozens of pies.

Of course the pies eat the guards flesh and turn him into a pile of goo. Which our tiniest klown takes the chance afforded him to place a cherry on top of. Because why not. Well fear not. Its time for some human vengeance! Our heroes have arrived. Dace is armed with a shotgun and his side arm. Everyone is ready for operation save Debbie!

However Rich and Paul fall into a ball pit to their supposed dooms. Which if we’re being honest here? They still would’ve only had 2 actual compotent heroes. The ice cream bros really aren’t who you send into a final boss fight unless you were a necromancer who summoned two gollums to do your work and absorb damage. Yes I am saying they would only serve as damage soaking death sponges.

But if you are actually sad these chubby chasers will never chase another chubby they seduces with the promise of all the ice cream they could eat. Fear not. For they are not in a ball pit that dissolves flesh, or houses serpents. In fact the only thing they find.

If your ready for this.

Are two female klowns. One chubby, the other big boned…with breast that just get bigger, and bigger, and bigger.

“Are you girls Debbie’s roommates?”

And with that, they are in for a night we can only imagine.

Meanwhile Dave and Mike are racing around desperately trying to find Debbie in her balloon. Thankfully Mike is part bloodhound and he finds the right room with all the cotton candy pod people. Which also affords us a glimpse at just what DO klowns do with cotton people candy pods. They use oversized over silly, silly straws and jab them inside to drain our blood and chug away.

We are canned sodas for these alien bastards.

Well our manly men find their yellow balloon and Debbie still alive. How can they get her out when beating the balloon and trying to smash it all have no effect?

“Here I’ll shoot it”, sure Dave, go ahead. Aim at your ex and shoot away. That is the absolute best thing to do that will have no negative effects on her what so ever. YES I know it’s a movie damnit, but still come on!

So yeah. He shoots, she’s free. The world is happier for it.

Until our trio are on the run from the klowns, getting into further hijynx as they do. They run down a hallway of swaying different zany shaped doors. In a large open room that honestly they could’ve just avoided the doors all together and walked around it but that’s again neither here nor there.

They then end up at a dead end hallway. But wait there’s a door! With another door behind it, and another door behind that door. And a smaller door behind that door that was behind another door, and this bit carries on for 7 or 8 doors. Until they finally run and escape the pursuing klowns with their balloon dog.

But its only temporary. I mean come on. They went down a hallway with one exit. Where the hell else were the klowns gonna go? Yet they are still surprised.

So its time to square up and square off with the klowns. Lets gooooo!

Only they can’t really do much. The klowns have them cornered and all hope seems to be lost. That is until bursting through a wall, just like the Kool-aid man, comes the ice cream truck of our fatty loving duo, The Terenzi brothers!

Yes, yes the klown girls fucked them. These guys? They do not fuck. Those klowns though. Theeeeey fuck.

Their clothes are literally shredded and their body covered in huge red lipstick kisses. They try using their clown atop their ice cream truck to trick the klowns into thinking it is some sort of klown god. What it is though, is an offense to their peoples religion and true god. The klowns are so offended by this in fact. That they summon their klown god.

A giant, huge ass klown with puppet strings for reasons.

So our boss battle begins. Giant Killer Klown, versus two fatty fuckers in an ice cream truck.

The ice cream truck gets fucked hard and demolished. There was no competition.

It’s a goddamn giant sized killer klown! It’s like playing Skyrim and finding your first giant. You go rushing out there to fight it in melee combat, and with one thump it sends your ass flying across the goddamn world map and you die.

So now the best option is run for your fucking life!

Which they do! Mike manages to find an escape and sends Debbie out first. Mike tries getting Dave to go next. But Dave says no, I’m gonna take on this giant and get the xp AND loot. So Mike says smell ya later alligator and heads out for safety.

David faces off against the klown boss. But there is a lot going on outside. Police forces are gathering in mass outside, and the big top ship is beginning to prepare for take off!

Dave does his best, kiting the giant klown from one end of the room to the other. Using up his shotgun and handgun ammo until all he is armed with is harsh language. The klown grabs him and readies to laugh in Daves foolish human face and crush him. But Dave has one last idea. He thinks like a clown. Clowns like to pull tricks and gags, one of the oldest gags is popping kids balloons. So he takes off his policeman’s badge and pokes the klowns nose! Sure enough its nose pops and the giant is dead! All the xp is his, all the loot is his! Huzzah Dave! Too bad your ex wasn’t there to see it happen.

The ship spirals and explodes. Everyone mourns the death of David and the creamy bros. Until the klown mobile falls from the sky. Soon every gun is aimed at it and they are ready for any fuckery that comes out in floppy shoes and makeup.

Only a klown doesn’t emerge. Just clowns. Out of the ride comes Dave! He managed to find safety before the ship exploded! Group hug time as both Debbie and Mike hug their ex and current boyfriend.

But what’s this? There’s another surprise in this klown car?

Why yes! The Terenzi brothers are alive! They weren’t crushed by their truck! They hid with the ice cream in the freezer of the truck and…this saved them. Apparently!

So they live to feed chubby ladies ice cream once again. And as Dave looks up to the sky and everyone does the same. They all ask themselves. “So, do you think it’s all over?” Immediately they get their answer as the three main heroes get pies from the sky throne in their faces. Which they do not remove, and we can only assume as the Dickies music kicks in and screen fades to black, that the three of them began screaming in agony as their faces were melted by the pies as they had melted the security guard.

The End

Oh lord this movie. It is a trip, and the end even more so. Apparently and believably they ran out of money by the end of production so they couldn’t go grand with their finale like they’d hope. So they did the best thing. Which was the best they could with what they had and the time they had left.

Which a lot more film makers could benefit from versus seemingly unlimited budgets.

The movie wasn’t exactly a smash hit. But it definitely became a cult hit and a large scale army of fans. Like I mentioned its even getting a video game of all things. Seriously what is with obscure 80’s horror making a glorious return? Perhaps even too big of one for some.

The movie really is a fun time, and in my case when its been long enough it’s a good revisit. It really dances on the border of being scary and silly. But always. Always. It carries the charm and style in everything it does. Of being exactly what it was trying to be at its heart. A classic black and white monster movie. The over the top acting, silly lines and corny tech. It all works and it all fits that mood. I mean there were too many lines at times to quote and go over in the end. But we got things like “Hey didn’t you ever want to run away and join the circus?” “I wanted to run away from the circus.” And still one of my favorite lines from Mike, “Paul, this is more serious than selling ice cream. There's clowns going around killing people. We're all in danger.”

The film is just a treasure of throw away one liners and great characters. The effects are amazingly horrific, and the music we will get into soon enough.

But as I mentioned the film really does manage to be scary as well. Not just the creepy klowns message through Mooney, but the gore effects themselves are pretty gnarly, and sparingly used. The look of the klowns while a bit silly, if you linger on them, they really are just faces of malice and ugly terror. There’s even a genuinely creepy near kill they setup at one point, where a large klown tries luring a little girl from her family at a hamburger place, while hiding a giant mallet behind its back. The look of the klown and its grin, its gestures to her. It’s just creepy. It remains still one of the best monster klown makeup jobs. And that’s comparing them to Pennywise as well.

Seeing this as a kid, it was more funny than anything for me. It also left a hell of an impression, and for me back then, very few horror films had such a damn catchy title song. Which leads us to….

The Music

It’s actually difficult to say the word clowns for me, without wanting to stretch it out to ‘Clow-ow-ow-ow-ow wahooooons’, thanks to the Dickies title song for the film. It’s also the one most people walk away with stuck in their head, and rightfully so. It’s a catchy song and easy to love. It fits the mod of the film and monster movie vibes. It’s something I will always enjoy when it pops up on my ipod playlist, and did make me smile hearing in the upcoming video games trailer. Even though I don’t plan to play it. If it were a single player game, then you’d have my attention.

And while The Dickies are remembered for this title song, the rest of the films actual score is just as amazing. Composed by John Massari, the music is just as the film was. A circus. Its appropriately corky, silly and over the top. It has serious circus sounding tracks and every bit of it works in creating the overall mood. Even when the tracks change from silly clown stuff like to the track “The Inevitable” which plays during the march through town of the Klown parade. It carries a dark overtone and seriousness to thesituation, given the semi light playfulness you get from other tracks earlier with things like “Shadow Show” which even then it still carries a fun sense of horror, but overall wacky fun.

The one track a lot of people walk away with and made its way in a lot of the film. Which certainly stuck with me and I can hear in my head beat for beat, still remains “Killer Klown March”, Its such a damn good track and honestly if the film hadn’t used The Dickies for the title track? This music could’ve covered it. You hear that track and it just screams its origins and purpose, Killer Klowns are coming, and they’re going to ruin your day.

The score recently saw a release through Waxwork and by no coincidence served as the second reason of three I had for subscribing to Waxworks on what looks to be their last yearly sub. The other reason was Kickboxer was getting its first ever score release, and Texas Chainsaw massacre 2.

The music from beginning to end is a trip in itself and a fun one at that. I’ve loved having the album and listening to it fully. Its part of the fun with having film scores, catching the entire designed pieces as not all of it makes it into the final films. Its another score that perfectly helps tell a story. It also has an odd quality I enjoy where even though you know what movie it’s from, Much like the score for ALIENS, the tracks themselves could easily be reused for other films. I mean that in the best complimentary way I can. It just kicks ass and fits a lot of scenes and science fiction/horror.

Seriously, tracks like “Top of the World” or “The Fun House Pt1” those could easily feel at home in one of the two main Creepshow films, hell even Christine it could feel a part of.

I wish we had more music like this, but at the same time it plays as one of those that I’m thankful there isn’t a lot out there that carry this same vibe and sound to it. It just makes it stand out for me that much more as a worthy score to add to your collection and listen to. You’d think its an easy thing to create creepy music out of none creepy instruments but it’s not. Like one of my favorite Steve Martin jokes, The banjo is the only instrument you can’t make a sad song with. Anything just sounds happy from it.

While funny, it still ‘could’ be possible. But only if you slow down the playing and turn on some reverb here and there. You take kids instruments and you can create an entire album of terror. But that’s what kids instruments are for, right?

The album was composed of twisted fun, dark fanfare, and an evil circus. It’s another compliment to the film, and the fact I still remember the film mostly from its score is why its on this list.

I am actually glad I included it, I don’t get to talk much about it and I feel that’s a shame, but I also understand my mental mind block not to given the hype its been receiving the past few years. Love is love I know, but it does sort of carry that annoying “I was into it when it was cool” vibe and I don’t like damn punk kids acting like they discovered the most amazing thing, when it’s been there all this time! Your ass just never gave it a try until some podcast or youtuber told you about it! Damn punks.

With that. DO please watch this, use it as a lesson to always fear clowns with a K if you need to, In fact use it specifically so you can start shit with people by pulling the “Is that clowns with a C or with a K”, but as always. Check it out and relisten to the music. Buy it digitally, buy it on vinyl if your rich, and give it some needed respect and love.

And until tomorrow, if your at makeout point and you see a glowing shooting star? Keep trying for 3rd base, you’ll live longer. Also ice cream will get you lots of girls, not just fatties.