Spooktober Day 6 TROLL!!!

Day 6 TROLL

Everyone knows about TROLL 2, but we rarely talk about the first one.

Understandably because both have nothing to do with the other aside the title.

And only one had actual Trolls, the other had goblins.

And one was over the top fun Charles Band stuff, the other was, just bad.

But still funny in just how bad.

So lets talk about one of the weirdest what the fuck movies that people today sadly will over look. Not only do we get single swinging Sonny Bono, we also get, well. Get ready for this. A father named Harry Potter. Along with his son Harry Potter Jr.

Until J.K. Rowling drunk tweets otherwise, I will firmly believe she ripped off her novels from this film.

So we get a modern average American family moving into an apartment, as well as a quick reminder why never to have children. As they can turn out to be absolute unholy beast as this movie shows us.

It doesn’t waste much time on getting the ball rolling. Once it does, hold onto your butts because there is a lot that hits you hard and fast.

Harry’s sister Wendy Ann, decides the best thing to do in their new apartment is to play in a laundry room. Where she hears a something. This something plays ball with her and. Just like that. A troll is how on screen and hairy as ever for the whole world to see.

This magical troll has intentions though. Mostly to use its powers and pretend to be little Wendy Ann!

Which is whimsical fun. Like, lots of fun.

The family gathers together to eat dinner in their new home. The most disgusting looking hamburgers I’ve ever seen in fact. Slimey and mushy. Like 5 Guys on their best day.

The dad joked about the hamburgers being ‘Rat burgers’ and how they got the sister a supreme burger. For some reason the hamburger is like crack to the troll. Because the moment they eat it, they turn into a roaring rampaging unholy hell beast screaming down the hallways screaming “RAT BURGERS!” in the face of everyone they meet. While simultaneously destroying anything in her path. AND pulling the fire alarm.

It’s wonderful and I love it.

RAT BURGERS!

This is where we get to meet all the people in the building. We get a mad Sonny Bono introducing us to the fact that he’s a swinger dating lots of hot chicks, living above the new family and that Mr Potter has the distinct pleasure, of being the only one in the building with kids. He also tells us he HATES kids. But more importantly how he may strike out as long as those kids are around and being noisy! We also get a fun neighbor who’s life is all about jogging and being in shape. We learn this because he is idle running while talking loudly to Harry, while till jamming out to his Walkman cassette. There’s also a very seemingly prudish older woman living there. Unhappy with the noise, alarm, and people loitering in the hallways.

Well get used to these people, because they’re. Not going to be with us long. At all. In fact that’s the most we get with a good deal of them. Even poor Sonny Bono.

Sonny is the first victim here. But not from our little troll in disguise. The first to die is Sonny’s pride. As a woman, possibly a prostitute, or sex worker if you are a prude. He ask her if it was ‘everything she hoped for’, and she tells him ‘Sadly, yes’ But he’s a real go-getter and wont let that keep his spirits down.

Even as she tells him to go dive in a lake.

However as she parts ways, Our troll moves in and begins touching everything in his home.

Something I strongly would urge against, as she likely now has herpes among a myriad of other STD’s hovering around the apartment. This of course upsets Sonny, as he tries politely telling her to GTFO now! Well it doesn’t go so well. Unfortunately. As she shows her true form to him and pricks him with a special Troll ring. Which, makes people. Into. Forest pods.

This is another what the hell am I witnessing moment in the film, but one we need to let go of and realize we will never understand.

Mr. Bono is turned into a large pod which after a few pulsating moments. Opens up and blossoms into…multiple vines, branches, wild forestry. Then 3 baby….troll, ghouls, goblin…things. It’s never explained just. Happens and. We are along for the ride as it does.

Really its freakish and weird as hell. Speaking of freakish and weird as hell.

Time to talk about the dad and his insane seizure. It’s supposed to be dancing. But it’s literally an actor having a seizure on screen and no one seems to care.

He’s also listening to the worst version of a song known to exist in this world. I don’t know If Charles Band tapped into the portal of hell and gave us a glimpse of the sights and sounds within. But it seems rather close.

But, is it the oddest thing? Of course not. We still have more to come. But for now. The father is showing he knows how to become the most hated man in the apartment. He’s playing this unholy song at full blast. Annoying his wife and ignoring his son outside screaming for help. His sister has struck again and taken down another resident. Mr Jogger. Because why not.

How Harry knows something is up with his sister. She’s acting much more confident and unafraid. She’s also standing up to her brother and trying to assert her position as the new alpha. Some would say this is a sign of the girl coming into her own and standing up for herself against her brothers bullying. But she’s a cursed Troll hell spawn so therefor evil. So the brother knowing she has done something horrible cries out for help. But his mother is busy having a melt down while doing dishes and the loud music melts away her sanity. While his father is having a life and death seizure around the room as multiple demons try to take over his fleshy husk.

Well don’t worry the boy is alright. Eventually his family takes notice and save him.

But we are in a Charles Band on crack movie, So lets add a little more weirdness.

Like the older woman in the apartment. Shes not just an older woman collecting dust and cobwebs. She lives in a fairly nice planted room, that also happens to have a giant freakish looking talking Mushroom. Which she covers with a lampshade.

Which gets little explanation. Because we don’t need that in this movie. It just gets in the way.

But if you really need to know. Then we better do it how the film likes. With a musical monster number.

That’s right. We get a sing along with the goblins,trolls, elves, toilet creatures, wicked hell spawn. But before that. We get another late addition to the residence list. A professor who happens to be a little person. And the sister is immediately taken by. It’s kind of cute, as she calls him brother elf. Even asking if he IS one. It’s the first time the Troll has shown any kind of compassion to another life form. So she invites him over to dinner and he decides after ignoring her parents behavior when being confronted with a little person. To regale everyone with a story about a knight and a princess. Which is where our musical number comes in.

To say it’s odd, or weird. Is not really that honest. To say it’s a living fever dream, and asking yourself if the trolls are singing about tampons. Seems more genuine.

Seriously the lyrics at one point sound like Tampons.

Tampons….trollpons.

Anyway.

It begins laying out for us that this old lady is a forever 21 princess. Whom Harry Jr decides to hang out with. Which means he now has to hang out with the abomination of a mushroom planted in her apartment. She lays out for him not only that she is a princess, but the war of trolls and men. About how his sister the troll, is likely going around room by room and transforming everyone into forest beast because. That’s what she do.

But also the troll dreams of a world were man no longer exist, and trolls rule. So there’s also that.

Well we aren’t there yet. Thankfully. Before that we have to get things ready. Which includes a sort of sweet moment, but still a weird one. Involving the professor.

Wendy Ann hasn’t forgotten about the professor and wants to spend time with him. However when she learns he is sick and unfortunately dying. She decides to grant him a gift. She ask him if he ever wanted to be an elf. Which he admits yes he did, when he was a kid. It was a dream to live along side fairy tale creatures and the forest. So. Trollio grants them this wish. Transforming them into, well a real brother elf.

Now, there are some things that also happen here. But I am glancing over them because. Well the entire final act of this film could be a 10 page report itself and I don’t want to be the one writing that. You should be renting these movies anyway!. But really not much happens to be fair. Just the decline of humanity and the farewell of the residence.

But the best way to put it, is everything is going to the forest and fast. Like super fast. Rooms are become living green rooms. Gateways to a fully living open world forest. Which is another interesting addition. Of oddness. So opening doors now have a 6 in 10 chance of opening a portal to. Multiple rooms, or a large forest. A forest with a very large problem. A giant winged troll…thing.

This is where the cocaine ends, and the story begins.

I honestly in my heart feel that.

Because up until this point. The movie seemed like a jumbled mass of crazy practical effect puppetry moments mixed with bizarre character moments provided by in large from Michael Moriarty.

Which still. That man deserves a report entirely on his Harry Potter.

But the son has talked with our princess and she lays it out for him. He needs to venture into those woods to find his sister, and possibly battle that troll to save her, and everyone else. So she hands him off a golden spear and sends him on his way. Which is a great parenting moment with his dad. Harry Jr walks into the living room while his dad is reading. Sits himself on the coffee table, spear in hand and points it directly at his sisters room. He politely ask his son what he’s doing and he responds honestly. Hunting Trolls. To which he shrugs and says “oh”

Brilliant.

But no time for that! We got Trolls to fight!

But Harry Jr is not on his own. The old princess with the talking mushroom from hell is taking up arms as well! But when she lets down her hair, she drops her enchantment spell and. Suddenly she’s a pretty good looking datable cougar. So she too is on the hunt. But she manages to work her way into the forest first. Looking to fight some trolls and elves. Sadly however they’re all doing their own thing and she’s in a solo instance trying to 1v1 a boss fight. Which is pretty fun as the forest seems a constant wind tunnel of blowing branches and trees, until she shouts to stop and the forest abides.

It would’ve been great seeing her fight. Does she die? No. Thankfully. She does however come face to face with a giant troll. She was not properly geared for this fight so she leaves the battle instance, minus her spear and returns to the human world. Where the little elves and troll tenants of the complex wait for her. I give her credit because these things did not look for an instant like any kind of force to avoid or threat what so ever. But when they block her exist and the stairway to her apartment? She actually scales the stairway and bolts for her armory upstairs. Opting this time for a sword, however Trollface McTrollio is waiting for her there, and she gets jabbed with his magical ring. Transforming her into a. Talking. Tree stump. The thing of nightmares, thank you Charles Band.

So all on his own, Harry Jr must traverse unknown terrain and find his sister. Which he immediately does upon entering this enchanted forest. What luck! But just like Princess toadstool discovered. There is a giant troll waiting for him, and his sister incased in an enchanted glass bed. This. This is where the film decides to add on another last minute change.

Once his sister is found, and he rescues her from the glass bed. We have the troll chasing after these two, as well as the giant troll. Harry proves himself to be a brave older brother. Doing his best to fend off the giant troll. But he’s still no match for the winged troll. But seeing the boy and girl in danger. The OG troll becomes conflicted and worried. See he doesn’t care what happens to Harry P. But he does however care about Wendy. He cares SO much in fact he pulls a Darth Vader, shouting out No repeatedly and finally charging into the fray. So to speak.

Meanwhile the entire building is becoming one with the forest. It’s literally covered in green vines, and. For some reason. On the rooftop. There are giant monster vines swinging around and threatening to spiral out of control and attack….something. Leading to a random fun moment with the parents as mom hears some odd noises and goes to their kids room where. She finds a forest and armed little puppet trolls grumbling. She holds it together and shuts the door, calmly telling the father to take a look. He takes a gander in the room and. This time it’s a forest in the princess’s room, where she informs him to “Shut the damn door, otherwise they’ll get out” so he politely does so and. Soon the entire complex is an earthquake of mythical proportions. Which mildly worries the crowd below. Apparently large attacking plants are a common occurrence.

The boy finding this new distraction of a troll on giant troll crime a good chance to escape, takes it. Him and his sister take off to find a doorway back home out of this enchanted forest and to our good fortune they escape. Which was good because they need to return for the sequel. Which the movie sets up at the very end. The building is no longer encased in vines or roaming fantastical creatures. But more importantly. All the residents who became plant babies are now back to their human forms! Which is great! Except for the little man. He’s back to being a human, with a bad health card and near death once more.

But he’s human! That’s all that matters!!

However the setup at the end? Well two police officers decide to check the building just in case there actually was some sort of threat. So upon doing so, one officers unfortunately opens a door and finds himself whisked away into the enchanted forest! Where we see a troll hand wearing the green lanters ring and….hit the credits

It was a cool ending to possibly lead into a sequel. Absolutely.

But what we got instead of a cool followup was. Well as the documentary hailed it. The best worst movie ever made.

Which is sad. Because the damn thing even starts in an enchanted forest. Which looks promising. Until you see the unholy horrible mask, and then the kid interrupting his grandpas story.

It was a true gem, and Charles band at his best of being weird and entertaining. I miss that. Not the Charles Band we have today.

But this movie had a lot going on. Pretty decent cast, weirdly fun characters and a good story hidden in parts of the film. It’s a video store oddity for sure and the poster was just so tempting. A close up of the troll staring menacingly at you while holding the bouncy ball. Then the even better one of a troll beckoning you from an open door in an ominous hallway with fog. So cool. Great stuff!

YES I recommend checking it out, and if for anything. Their father. I mean between him always having the ONE acting style of “Wherever you are? That’s the place to be” attitude and his seizure like dance. I mean…the dance is wonderful and worrying all on it’s own. But it gets even better when the daughter finds him, and he’s staring down at her giggling like he’s high as a kite, wiggling his arms above his head “I’m stretching!”

Fuck me, this movie is mental and I love it. Check it out please, for the love of Richard Band.