Little Monsters

Little Monsters 1989

Budget 7 million

Box Office: 793,775

Onions and peanut butter sandwich

Oh those wonder years go by so fast. That reference made me feel old. Trust me

Get ready for a trip of nostalgia and a lunch bag packed with a peanut butter and onion sandwich.

Seriously. In the annals of odd movie food. This is right up there with a hot dog and twinkie sandwich with squeezed cheese. We’ll get into that one on another review.

This is a movie I remember fondly because well. It’s one of the few I remember as a kid going and seeing. My earliest memory is seeing the Muppets Take Manhattan and us leaving toward the end because of sibling crying. We won’t say who but she knows who she is. But this is a special one because it was an outing with our dad. It also marked my introduction to a restaurant I would fall in love with and later regret. Chili’s. Yes. The baby back ribs place.

Little Monsters is a weird little gem of a film. It didn’t do that well when it was released. But it was a weird damn movie.  But that’s also the end of the 80’s.

Fred Savage was the cool kid of our generation. Which is odd to imagine, but yeah. He was. As was Sir Doogie Howser M.D. This was his 6th film, and the 3rd thing I’d seen him in. We grew up catching an episode now and then of The Wonder Years. First film we saw with him was The Boy Who Could Fly, Another fun one from my childhood me and my sister loved because he gave us one of our first curse word movie lines “It’s not filled with water, it’s filled with piss!”, and of course like most that went to school with us. We remember him mostly for The Princess Bride.

But again, he was the hero of our generation, so the movies we saw with him that were more aimed at people me and my friends ages were Little Monsters and The Wizard. Another film I’ll be covering. Believe that.

So the premise of the film is Brian(Savage) decides to switch rooms one night with his little brother because he’s terrified od a monster he claims comes out and terrorizes him at night. So after one night and finding himself just a wee bit scared and confused. He decides to bet his brother double or nothing that he can last another night in the room and prove there IS no monster. Which brings a fun bit of montage as he lines the bottom of his bed with dorito’s cool ranch chips and rigs up a monster trap. I don’t know why this movie gave me food memories but damn it did. Yes I had to try those chips, and they were indeed cool.

So on his second night, armed with inventive little traps. He manages to trap Howie Mandel in his bedroom. Trust me any time you find Howie Mandel in your room, no good can ever come from it. But this time he’s playing a monster with a mohawk named Maurice. He’s a friendly monster though. You can only go so far with scaring the crap out of kids. Which it kind of hilarious now considering the damn near nightmare fuel that was Tales from the Dark side the show and MONSTERS. Some of those stories legit had no right being on tv.

So Brian catches Maurice and we learn a few nifty things. For once, Monsters dress like punks from the 80’s. Maurice wears a jean jacket with a sleeveless leather jacket with buttons and spikes. More importantly we learn monsters can’t stand the light. It. Does things to them. Sun light morphs their bodies. As we see when Maurice grows horns and begins smoking. Flashlights and lightbulbs however just cause them to vanish leaving a puddle of clothes.

We also learn  that Maurice is loaded on cocaine. Seriously he acts like a discount Robin Williams and it’s a bit odd. But I digress.

He’s not a bad guy. Just likes to pull pranks is all. Because it’s hilarious and he enjoys it. Same with terrorizing kids. It gets him there. So we know what the sun does to him, we also know what light does. The last bit we learn of importance is that monsters get into the rooms from under our beds.

This is also a good time to mention something else of importance. The parents and one of my early crushes.

The parents are…completely insane.

The movie begins with Brian sneaking downstairs to make himself a peanut butter and onion sandwich to watch a show with a sleazy man who interviews big boobed women in bikinis. While sneaking he hears his parents arguing. Seeming to be headed for divorce. They belittle each other and talk about separating. Which Brian pays no attention to and it’s a bit awkward to take in seeing he doesn’t care. But hey he’s a kid so, it makes sense. Kids don’t always pick up on things. But I also believe as George Lucas has preached that, the worst thing you can do is treat a kid like they’re dumb. They pick up a lot of things. Just not here, apparently.

As for the crush I mentioned well yeah. We gotta get into that one.

She’s the semi romantic interest of the story for Brian, she’s also a redhead. Which became a thing in my dating life much later on. We won’t be getting into that. Kiersten. She’s smart, always has homework done, top of her class, and has a crush on Brian. She was cute and yes I had a crush.  She’s fun but sadly not given much to initially do in the movie. She is however working on science, trying to force a night cactus to bloom using artificial light. She’s a smart.

So after Brian meets Maurice and catches him. Maurice takes a liking to him. He decides to show him around the monster world under his bed. Which looks like a cocaine fueled version of Neverland Ranch. Complete with punk monsters, ladies with horns. People with Teddy Bear heads and elongated limbs. It’s a kids dream house as there are no rules, junk food is everywhere. “Every craving you ever craved, every flavor you ever flaved, and the best part is? You don’t see any parents telling the kids what they can and can’t eat!” You know right away by looking at the hamburgers those are from the golden arches, and the pizza, from a game of Dominoes. The movie is loaded with product placement and it was how we liked it back in those days!

Maurice also shows Brian what a monster’s night is like. Partying dancing, video games, music, junk food, and scaring kids. Which he takes him along to do. Going out on a few haunts in different homes. Screaming in one kids face. While tracking mud across carpets in another. Scratching up records and setting up booby traps like Plastic wrap on a toilet, peanut butter on a phone. Also how to murder someone, putting a skate under someones shirt and leaving it on the edge of the top stair of a stairway.

The end of the night though comes when Brian ask Maurice to take him to a special place. No not his love interest. But the house of a bully who tried beating him up at school. Where Maurice shows us why the movie may not have been approved for most kids. They replace the tuna in his bullies sandwich with cat food and….Maurice drinks all of his bullies apple juice and. Pisses into the bottle, giving us the line “Robbies gonna be pissed!” Which Brian is all for. The 80’s was a different time.

As daylight approaches we see kids being punished and yelled at for all the hell they raised that night. We also get to witness Fred Savage’s first hangover. Maurice gave him a pair of sunglasses to help him in the daylight. Because UV can be hell on people down there going up there. Odd thing to say to someone, but it’ll make sense soon.

Something else that should be noted in this movie as well. Something most the movies I grew up with seemed to do. The kids talk like they’re adults. Especially during romances. It’s most likely do to the fact writers. Well not all writers. But most can’t write dialogue for kids. Or they slip into a comfy spot of familiar dialogue. It’s not really that bad until we get into The Wizard. Which was intentional as it’s basically a kids retelling of the Paul Newman movie The Hustler. But to give some examples: Well what are you up to miss Davo?“You know what, think about it, take your time, you’ll probably change your mind.”, and a very natural for their age discussion on vampires “Nah, that only works on vampires. They solemnly ponder this subject. It’s really funny at times, and others a bit weird just seeing them recite lines that seem to fit more in a film from the 50’s coming from an adult. But I digress.

So Brian gets curious and decides to head down to the monster world, where he gets pantsed by Maurice in front of a girl monster who tells Fred Savage that he has…a nice ass. Again, a different time. Speaking of. Maurice treats Brian to a special night time trip to Kierstens room. Where he calls her a dog, Brian creeps on her, and. Maurice begins doing what monsters do. Transforming his hand into a dog to begin devouring Kierstens homework.

Meanwhile we have Brian’s little brother wondering where his brother is. Giving us another taste of domestic bliss as he creeps around and we hear the parents having another fight. Where the husband is mocked for always having a headache, the wife only caring for his paycheck, and her saying “If we stop fighting we lose the last thing we have in this relationship” But just like his big brother, he does not care. But he does care however when he goes to ask his big brother for a flashlight, only to find he’s no longer in bed.

I think now is a good time to introduce Boy and Snit. Boy is our villain. Our main villain. He runs monstertown. He terrorizes the other littler monsters, and enjoys it. He has an enforcer named Snit. He also terrorizes Brian for coming over to Boy’s stairway. Which no one goes near Boys Stairway. You JUST. DON’T. DO IT!

Also speaking of don’t do it. Brian goes back to school the next day, more hung over than the previous night, and as he heads to class, he discovers his new friend Maurice destroyed his not yet girlfriends homework. Which gets her a zero on her report. So now Brian is upset and doesn’t want to speak with his monster friend. Which saddens Maurice, naturally.

This discussion is cut short however as Dad comes up the stairs to take Brian for a family meeting. Those conversations the boys ignored? It bares fruit! The parents decide to break it to their kids that they are getting a divorce. Which they take pretty well. Until they are told no, daddy is not going to live in the city like a business trip. But for good. So Brian storms off and comes back to his room and to his monster friend, seeking comfort at the fact his parents will be divorcing and they are part of a broken family now. Which is where Maurice decides to stop dropping curse bombs and tell us the importance of not hating your parents, even if they want a divorce. To be happy that you have parents where other people aren’t so lucky. Maurice decides Brian needs to come back down to Monstertown and relax. Cause some trouble, go to a monster party, and maybe write a love poem for his not yet girlfriend.

The party you say? What’s a monster party like? Well it’s a bunch of monster’s visiting an infant baby and scaring the hell out of her. “It’s a character builder!” Maurice tells us. There are some genuinely messed up, nightmare fueled monsters in this scene.

Brian thinks this is super cruel and not cool at all. So he opens a door to let hallway light in and trap the monsters. But in the process. Brian learns something. He’s shrinking, he’s losing weight, and more importantly when light hits his arm. His arm vanishes. He’s becoming a monster.

So he decides to saw the legs off all the beds in the house to make sure Maurice can’t get to him. Which is hilarious because his mom believes he’s doing it to cope with the divorce. The movie’s humor is weird. But it’s worth it.

Meanwhile Snik is very angry with Maurice. Which we learn is another part of this puzzle Maurice was keeping to himself. Maurice liked Brian, he’s his only friend. Being his only friend, he wanted him to become a monster so they could hang out. Boy also pushed for this. He saw they liked each other and was pushing for Maurice to keep bringing him down to monstertown so he’d turn into a monster. Since this was not going to happen, Boy gets angry and breaks one of Maurice’s horns for making jokes about his hunched back. Declaring to us all that, if Maurice can’t get him to come down town. He will. And now we set in motion our films final act. Boy finds a fold out bed in the kids couch and takes Brians little brother into the monster world. So Brian gets his friends together, including science wiz Kiersten. They begin a montage. Our second one! Where they begin constructing monster fighting light weapons. Even equipping digital watches (Which were totally rad back then) so they can make it out in time before they become monsters themselves! Of course Kiersten is going, as she says, in the name of science.

So the kids begin a murder spree of blasting every rotten monster bastard scum sucking night dweller they come across. Leaving piles of clothes and tortured monsters in their wake. After their slaughter spree the kids make their way to Boy’s stairway, which we learn leads to Boy’s room. Where again no one goes. YOU JUST DON”T DO IT!!

Once they make it to the room, it’s the second weirdest thing you could imagine after watching Eraserhead, willingly.

The boys find a room with toys on shelves, all in order and lined up. At the top of an ominous stairway at the top of the room. We see a very deformed but trying to look normal human..thing. Wearing a stretched out face, with no flesh in the back of the head. The man puppet is dressed in a schoolboys outfit. Imagine the father from Hellraiser after Frank took over his skin and the blood around his head? It’s that kind of convincing human.

So the kids are not wanting to hear anything the meat puppet has to say. But he’s trying to offer to Brian a deal. If he agrees to stay below and become a monster. He’ll let his brother go and him and his friends can all leave. Brian tells him to go to hell and blast them with light beams. Which begins another odd what the hell battle.

If you’ve seen the Robin Williams film TOYS, you’ll be ready for this. If not. You are in for a treat. Toy planes appear out of the sky and begin shooting actual bullets. Toy tanks also appear and begin shooting actual explosives. On top of that. The floorboards come alive with saw blades. The kids are facing an actual life or death situation. Boy and Snik have had enough of their crap and it’s time to take out the kids. Or at least try. The kids escape and with the power of science Kiersten is able to creat light using an old hand cranked phone and two pencils. Which works. Because fucking hell yeah science!!

Maurice is reunited with his human friend and his friends. The kids are pissed and they are not giving up easily. They’re back in the real world and giving us a third. YES. THIRD montage!!! This movie just keeps on giving us the gift of the 80’s!!

The kids return to Monstertown armed as walking padded lightsources. With fields of cables connected to a mountain of car batteries. Provided by their bully. Immediately incinerating Boy and Snik! What luck! They destroyed the walking nightmare fuel that is Boy. Seriously this is like a kids precursor to Hellraiser. I’m not joking. You get Boys human face melting off and an unholy monster under it, then bodies exploding, as well as rebuilding. It’s pretty damn intense. But we were tough kids back then. We could eat shit like this for breakfast.

Speaking of, we have a movie to end.

So the kids have thoroughly rampages and killed Boy, killed a lot of monsters in fact. Some would call it genocide. But they call it escaping willing captivity. But alas! They have one more hurdle. Snit, or snik. Whatever. He’s pulled himself back together and he’s ready for another fight! The kids won’t take him on, even their now helpful bully isn’t going to help them out. He can’t take this guy on his own! But have no fear. Our murderous children are in luck though. Snit doesn’t do much of anything but make jokes and keep them from leaving. He just wants them all to become monsters which makes sense. But Maurice is ready to betray his own kind fully and appears for one more joke. He comes equipped with a flame thrower and says “Hey, need a light bud?” Then sets him on fire. Kids movies back then, classic.

But oh no! It’s too late! Their doorway is shut and they can’t escape. But there is still hope to escape the court of the monsters. They have to find a bed in a different time zone to escape. Which leads them to California, and one more heartfelt speech between Maurice and Brian. About how he’d be a hero if he stayed below. But he belongs up top. Maurice tells him he needs to go so he can marry Kiersten, but Brian opts instead to remind us that this is a kids film and says ‘No, just friends.” He’ll wait till puberty. OR gain an actual good friend with zero romance. It’d be a change.

As the music swells and Maurice gives Brian his leather jacket. The pair headbutt and part for good. Ending what to Brian was the best and only friendship he’ll have. Which is sad. Really sad.

What isn’t sad however is the movie ending with the fucking TALKING HEADS!!! Road to nowhere! It was a rocking kids anthem in this movie and a song I genuinely love. But we still have one more gag to pull. The kids gotta call their parents and tell them, they’re in Malibu California. At the beach. Do the parents fix things and end up not getting divorced? Hell no, they’re still getting it! No happy endings for everyone! These kids are going into deep shock therapy and pills the rest of their lives!

Well at least they should. But they will be fine.

It’s honestly a pretty okay kids movie. At the time I was super into it because me and my sister were the right ages for it. Watching it now I get nostalgic. Like I said because of the movie date me and my sister had with our dad, first trip to Chili’s and discovering a love for ribs. It was a fun move and overall night when we saw it. I still enjoy seeing it now. Maybe not as much as I had back then but it’s still highly fun.

It’s one of those rare cases of a movie being done right, moving from one moment to the next without feeling a scene lingered too long. Sure some things could’ve been explored a bit more. But it didn’t need to be. It was a good kids film and yeah a product of its time.  It’s something I wonder if kids get today, growing up it was normal for us to hear kids cuss now and then. The Goonies was great because kids acted like Kids. In this one maybe not so much. But it’s still fun, and horrifying. Seriously I didn’t like the character Boy as a kid, and even now I look at them and think someone seriously wanted to fuck with kids when they made this because there is no way you can look at that character and not see a living nightmare.

But judge it for yourself if you must. It’s time well spent, especially for a first time view. It’s weird enough to be enjoyable and a touch macabre. Which is what you want in your kids films right?