Day 23 SPECIES and SPECIES 2

When Geiger dreams. It’s vagina beast and nipple monsters.

Thus he has gifted us another alien to adore, possibly cheer for, and give a healthy fear of sex.

This was an easy pick for the list, which I am still surprised I’ve managed to cover as many as I have so far. Nice to know I have some good taste in my dumpster of a movie collection.

This was easy, but also a difficult one to pick. Because it brings up a good follow up question which I will have to answer for later toward the end of the month when I reveal some film sequels I left off of this list. The one I am referring to in this case is, how can I include Species on this list, but not ALIEN and ALIENS. I’ll answer that at the end of the month but spoiler. I feel one is scifi horror, the other is scifi adventure.

Let’s get down to the joy that is Species. Because it truly is a joy. Both it and its sequel.

It’s also something of a surprising feminist film. Well, to a point. You’ll see. Maybe.

SPECIES!!!!

What happens when we send out transmissions from earth, sharing our DNA genetic code, and hope to find signs of life outside of earth?

Aliens write back with a formula for a seemingly endless supply of fuel, and also an innocent guide on how to splice our DNA with alien DNA. That’s what.

So many things can/could/will go wrong with this.

Firs of which was the decision to follow an alien species guide on creating life. But we are a curious bunch so eh, why not. While in Rome as the aliens say. But following up on that idea, and deciding to make a human/alien hybrid female? Because ‘Women are more docile and easy to control’, Yeah, that’s a proud accident waiting to happen and say “Challenge accepted!”

So we build an alien human monstrosity and it begins to quickly age. As a pretty innocent looking blonde girl. Who matures into a 12 year old girl in 2-3 months. They seem pretty chill and at peace with the natural order of the world. Things are going pretty good for her in fact. Until they decide she’s a threat because her nightmares fill her with rage and it spooks the scientist. So that means it’s time to die!

But as Kronk pulls the lever and releases toxic cyanide into the air. This doesn’t gel with our alien friend named Sil. So she decides it’s time to gtfo and fast!

And just as fast as she bolted out the door, the same government that created her, is now putting together a team to hunt her down. Which honestly is one of the more interesting aspects of the story. We get a molecular biologist, an empath, an anthropologist, and last but not least, a well dressed mercenary.  It’s a well put together idea for a team honestly. Though it does have some mixed messages as to their ultimate end game.

Meanwhile as our team of earths mightiest are formed. Sil is boarding a train and exploring a whole new world. No one messes with her, and in fact people are pretty chill and cool with her.  So she decides ‘Yeah, this is a good place to get comfy, take my shoes off, and form a cocoon to reach my next life cycle.

As…you…do? Puberty is weird for all of us.

So, even though people were cool to her, one unfortunate lady stumbles onto her cocoon and that’s all she wrote. The lady is killed by cocoon defensive maneuvers #12 and soon, out from the pod comes a very naked woman in her 20’s. Thanks to some quick thinking, she manages some clothes and even someones luggage and takes off to further explore the known world.

Much to the fear of the scientist who felt making a female would mean she’d be more docile and controllable. Now their fear turns to the idea she will no doubt plan to mate with our men!! The scary thought shriveling the sacks of many, and enticing a select few others.

Well, unfortunately they’re right. After watching some of earths programs, and finding herself a mature woman now. She is filled with the desire to mate as soon as possible and with seemingly any male, according to the scientist. However she is a woman! She has standards!! Mostly she wants a perfectly healthy man.

See she goes clubbing and finds herself a rather attractive baby daddy, goes back to his place with him but, she smells the diabetes on him. So nope. Not gonna give them a pass to the holy land with diabetes in the blood. So she rejects him. This upsets the man and he proceeds to try and rape her. Which she rejects and kills him, in a fitting way. Piercing his skull with her tongue.

She also, not so innocently does kill a few women. Not because they are threats to her or in the way of potential mates. But she needs clothes, a ride, an identity.

In fact when she finds another candidate in the ‘Who wants to give me a baby?’ game, the couple go hot tubbin. She decides this is nice but taking a bit long so she opts for the forward approach and honks his junk through his trunks. Which startles the fair male. How could a woman be so needing of his loins! The audacity!! She as he’s fondled and nearly forced by her, he decides enough is enough and rejects her. Which she does not take that well. She morphs into her alien form, she kills the man  and flees the scene moments before our team of cracked avengers bust down the door looking for her. She finds another woman and lets this lady assume she was attacked and fleeing her attacker as she was nude. Sil takes this as a victory and takes the womans car, and her identity.

Meanwhile the team is deciding what to do, how best to track her and take care of her before more poor men find themselves nearly and possibly raped. Unfortunately for them, Sil can read lips. So she learns of their plans and formulates her own. A victory for Sil, a soon to be crushing loss for her kidnapped human female friend.

Sil openly makes herself known to the team and a car chase takes place. Vroom vroom they go! And ka-boomy goes her car! She crashed her car into a powerplant transformer, power thing. The car was loadd with gasoline and the body of the lady whom the car belonged too. So the team decides “Well, I guess we won so, lets get laid!” que ‘I’m alright’ and start the gopher dance!.

So everyone cuts loose, gets drunk, and thirsty! Mr Merc is flirting with our molecular biologist and the pair decide to try their own mating ritual. Forest Whitaker finds he enjoys long island iced teas. Sil begins cutting and dying her hair #Justgirlthings, and prepares herself for mating. She has her eyes set on Mr Merc, but he’s already partnered up. But she doesn’t mind! She tries getting into a room next to theirs and, through poor luck, the last single man on the team, the anthropologist played by Doc Oc, finds Sil in his room. Not recognizing her as she cut and dyed her hair. He decides not to question a beautiful horny woman in his room, and instead decides like any good archeologist, it’s time to dig in and dig deep.

Which he does! Good for him, and good on Sil!

Unfortunately she says the words many a man dreads when they decide not to question the red flags of potential crazy hookups. Moments after they’ve had the sex she informs him. “I can feel them inside me, I’m pregnant.” Which freaks him out, naturally. Even more so when he realizes, she’s not just some crazy girl. This is the alien they’re after! Oh no! Run Doc Oc!!

But it’s too late! She doesn’t like being recognized and decides proudly she doesn’t need a man, and kills him. She’s going to raise these babies on her own!

So the remains of our rag tag group take after the pregnant Sil as she takes off for….the sewer…caves? Cave sewers. One by one people are killed off and for good reason. The doctor who deemed her a threat and wanted her dead as a child meets a well deserved end. Forest Whitaker thankfully is spared a death.

In fact everyone else might’ve made it, but no. They found her half human half alien babies and they must be killed, otherwise we risk our own species being wiped out by them! Possibly. So it’s child killing time!

Which unfortunately works. Sil dies defending her young, as the man she kinda had the hots for Mr Merc lives, as does his love interest. Because they’re gonna make good ol’ American babies without them Alien DNA bits!

So the world is safe another day. Rape alien is dead, her offspring……maaaybe? DUN DUN DUN!!!

SPECIES 2!!!  Get your ass to Mars!

A woman dies choking on dick!

I have waited to say that line for so long and shame any movie for not having the guts to do it. But this movie did it!

I repeat. A woman. Dies. Choking on dick!

NO That is Not the end of my review!!

Though it should be I mean. Damn. Just…damn.

So this movie moves past the events of the first film, partly. It begins with a mission to mars and a pretty fun look at the future of space travel, A rocket with many company sponsors on it. So our American team are spending a few hours collecting samples from Mars and bring them back to the shuttle. The first step in their Mars Excursion and eventual hopeful return. Much to the pleasure of many Americans watching and cheering. But also to the fear of one scientist in a lunatic asylum. HE TOLD THEM NOT TO GO!

As the team is being congradulated by our President, played by the sassiest man in all of Law and Order, Richard Belzar, Detective Munch. One of the containers from Mars is having a malfunction. It seemed to be corroding and attacked the crew. Causing a 4 minutes communications blackout.

But eventually the crew is back up and running, things seem okay for now. FOR NOW!!

NO they were not impregnated! Sadly.

Meanwhile, the movie has not forgotten the original.

There is a new scientific group at work now. They’ve developed a direct clone from Sil. Her name is Eve. They’ve done this, not to recreate the events of the first film. But for the sake of helping us to defend ourself should the species ever return and prove themselves a threat. They also do this with Eve’s consent. They also inform us that, Eve’s mother Sil, was not especially just a born horny needing to mate female. It’s to do with chemicals. Hormones. Primarily if a man comes near her. Her body goes into overdrive and she wants to caveman style go at it. So, to keep her save and ensure this doesn’t happen. They wisely surround her with an all female team of scientist. No men allowed. No exceptions.

Speaking of horny. Apparently being in space makes you horny. And having GONE to space makes people horny FOR YOU!

Our three Astronauts are examined, discovered to be in great health and informed they have groupies waiting for them. Literally the doctor says “We have some people out here who also would like to examine you” he raises the blinds on the windows to show us over a dozen screaming women waiting to throw themselves at our team. But the doctor then informs everyone, “No sexual activity for 10 days!” Which upsets the two men, and also the female of their group. She infact is the first one to say “Oh you’ve gotta be kidding!”, sex in these movies is important! Apparently.

What’s even worse is that they all have spouses. But apparently want to go bang any and everyone they can. So. Do with that what you will.

Which brings us to the new twist in our story.

The lead commander of the mission, we’ll call him Chad. Chad is not exactly up for following these plans, and sets out to have sex with twins. Twins Basil…twins.

No? Not going for the Austin Powers reference? Fine

So after one twin finishes banging the super horny Chad. She tags in her sister and leaves to freshen up. As she does though….her belly begins to grow, she begins to scream. Her ‘sister’ is being penetrated by Chad and, soon notices Chad has sprouted some tentacles out of his shoulders and, other places. As that sister screams for him to get off of her, the other sister is on the floor in the bathroom screaming as she becomes fully preggo and an alien child burst out of her belly. With the promise that the same will happen to the other sister.

But Chad is troubled by this. He doesn’t really recall what happened. He also didn’t recall walking to his families barn his two kids. He tries to tell his senator father. But he only hears “I was drunk blah blah blah, I got some skanky booty, I’m throwing away my career” so he gets slapped and told not to be such a damn baby.

Meanwhile, during the entire fiasco of twins birthing twins. Poor Eve, who was enjoying watching a game of baseball, began going through intense excitement and pain. She seems linked to our new alien male.

Apparently the genetics of this alien DNA is linked. They can sense one another. So now the government knows, there is a rogue alien out there. Makin babies. So it’s time for action! It’s time to call in Mr Mercenary from the first film. Which he is not happy about. But a paycheck is a paycheck.

So of course once he is hired on by another returning character, now a general. The two men walk into the all female, female only, no men allowed lab. Breaking the penis quarantine and off setting the balance of a controlled environment they created for Eve. It also reunites Mr Merc with the doctor he banged from the first one. Which of course upsets him when he learns she’s part of this program, and that she was the one who helped clone Eve. But we do also learn some important information.

We learn that she surpressed a lot of things in Eve. She did everything she could to help make Eve less of a douche, and more of a well rounded lady who’d enjoy horseback riding vs bareback riding.

So the two are forced to work together and discover what happened, where the new alien is, and how to stop it.

We learn a lot, which genuinely helps the believability of the story, and gives some legitimacy to the schlock that is the story. It honestly makes it a better movie, and helps the story.

They discover how the DNA became active after being dug up on Mars. They also decide that indeed these astronauts are prime suspects in the alien bang gang. Try typing Bang Gang out, something fun happens with your mind, you dirty people.

So now we have a race against intercourse!. We have Chad now spending the night with his wife, not two skanky questionable twins. We have female astronaut in bed with her husband, and our third astronaut getting ready to penetrate his partner.

This is not an enjoyable ride!

Female astronaut grows a dangerous belly, which when her husband bolts from the room, a tentacle erupts from within and melts his face off attaching itself to his face. So she is no longer among the living as our new team unload on her.

The third astronaut is busy on a boat getting his lady friend ready for another rocket ride. But his plans are runed when armed men bust in on him and he states with no shock or surprise to having a dozen guns pointed at him “A brother just can’t get no booty, you know what what I mean?”, a shocking loss for humor, a crushing defeat for his rager.

But they take him into custody, ask him about the time in space where they lost communication, all while waiting for test results to come back and confirm if he and his penis are a threat to humanity, or if he’s okay to get that booty.

Thankfully for him and his libido, his blood test normal. So now it’s down to astronaut Chad. Who wakes up to find his beloved wife dead beside him with an exploded belly and a 3 year old boy at the foot of the bed watching his new Daddy. This reasonably freaks him out so he decides he can’t take it and it’s time to pull a Cobain and clean his shotgun. Alas this proves a bad decision as he soon discovers his head regrowing after killing himself. Which seems to have accomplished one thing. It seems to have killed his humanity. But given new life to the entity that took over him.

Which is bad news for the ladies, as he’s now on a mission to plant his seed and pop some bellies. Which the film shows in a funny light. Explaining that a killer is going around killing women, exploding their bellies. While sexy blues plays and he goes out on beaver patrol.

Meanwhile scientist are working on the female astronauts body, which leads to a surprise discovery of a John Carpenter inspired monster scare popping out of her head, which is then quickly killed. Thankfully.

Astronaut Chad is busy busting bellies and raising a litter of kids at the farm house, while sassy astronaut is now fully on board with helping the scientist as he witnessed Chad blow off his own head.

Now we enter the final stage of planning to stop Chad from his bang bus tour.

Using Eve to track Chad. Of course this is highly dangerous as it would mean making Eve more Alien. Increasing her strength, mating drive, abilities. Which would both help them track him potentially. But also make her a potential threat.

Lady doctor stresses this point, but the men in the room tell her “Spare us your alien rights bullshit and just do it.”

Meanwhile Eve makes a choice herself. She wants to help the humans. She knows why they made her, and that they also use her to find weaknesses in her species. So she genuinely wants to help them out. At least the ladies because they’ve been good to her. The men, eh not so much.

So she’s able to mind meld with Chad and finds him at a typical Chad spot, the grocery store. Looking to pick up single moms no doubt.

I think it’s fair to point out at this point. Sasst astronaut is, well. The comic relief of the movie. Apparently the movie needed it and. Well it’s not all that amazing, it’s slightly cringy, but it is what it is.

So Chad goes shopping in the grocery store and decides he wants a little take out. So he picks up a lady on isle 5 and takes her kicking and screaming from the store. WITHOUT PAYING!, out the back and across an overpass to the parking lot to his bang bus.

The merc and feds are hot on his tail, but misfire! Unable to locate him at first. Until he approaches them himself. Why did he do this? Because he, being a full blooded Alien now, sensed Eve, and used her eyes to see where she was, much as she used his eyes to see where he was. Now he knows where she is, and how to find her. By being arrested and taken into custody.

Good things can only, who am I kidding shit goes cray yo!

Her hormones kick into over drive. She wants the D in a deadly way. Straight up demanding female doctor free her and let her find her new man!

Which she does! He burst into the lab and says hey whats up. Which gives us some truly haunting spank material curtesy of H.R. Geiger. We see two aliens coupling in fluid with lightning flashes. It’s faintly erotic and also very cool. But also tentacle weirdness.

So now begins the last act. Their final solution failed, and now the two aliens are together. We as a race are doomed and it’s not looking that good. With Eve still behind bars, her hormones are still running wild. We learn that sassy astronaut wasn’t infect AND isn’t prime mating material because of a defect in his blood. So the alien isn’t racist. It just doesn’t like something about him, so it didn’t put him on team bang the verse. Good for him! He gets to live a bit longer now.

So Chads dad decides to try appealing to his….human side, and get him to turn himself in, or at least stop humping and killing ladies. Which he doesn’t. He instead offers to hide him and take him to John Hopkins. Which doesn’t work out for him. As as a tentacle burst through his sons belly into the dads and travels up through his chest out his mouth. Gross.

So just as Chad is enjoying the sight of watching his bastard alien sons form themselves into cocoons ready to help dad bang us all into extinction. But thankfully we have sassy astronaut and Mr Merc to save us.

Which again I must stress, Sassy astronaut, telling us he’s a lover not a fighter, then picking up a machete because he plans to “Take things back to Africa”. Well. You make your own decision on the comedy.

So Eve tired of a life without getting some, breaks out of the facility with her newly awakened alien hormones and strength. She’s on the prowl to unite with her new bae alien. Even if he is a total Chad.

But just as she’s about to make her escape! She gets mowed down by a hailstorm of bullets. America!!!

However the bullets don’t stop her and she gets back up and keeps. On. Trucking!

We’re finally getting there, the moment of moments. To prove that I was not a perverted liar.

Eve takes off in a Humvee to the baby ranch. Our team shortly following behind her. It’s time for things to get sexy and slimey. But also fighting. We need a fight. For humanity. For the sake of us all!

It’s time to hear the greatest funniest lines in the movie. First female doctor saying without any emotion “Jesus. Christ” and Mr Merc to state “It’s the maternity ward, from hell” Where was this gold earlier in the movie? WHERE?!

So as our team descents into…the maternity ward from hell. Eve and Chad have begun their mating ritual. Turning into full on alien form. As Lady scientist begins hosing down the babies with science spray. Sassy astronaut attacks them verbally with insults and science spray. Which all seem to work. Somehow.

Until a baby tentacle wraps around sassy astronauts head and tries killing him.

Then we get it. The greatest cockblock in scifi history, and most awkward fight.

I will do my best to accurately describe what you all should pay to see, and watch in the dark, ashamed of your sin…

Even is being mounted by alien Chad. There are tentacles sprouting from her nipples caressing Chad, he is ‘joined’ with her and the two are intimately going at it. Mr Merc sees this, and awkwardly stays “Eve…get out of the way…so I can shoot.” Which looks like Eve doesn’t seem to concerned about as she’s focused on dick, but Chad can multitask. He’s still taking care of business while also spitting out a tentacle to attack Mr Merc. Which he is able to avoid. Female science doctor person pleads with Eve to help them! Which. Eve decides ‘Well, a woman is asking me, so I’ll do it for you, cuz I like you.” So she sprouts spikes out her back, attacking Chad. Chad is rather upset by this and tosses Eve. She lands on her back, displaying for all of us her….alien treasures we’ll say. Chad then descends on her. His head splits in half and each half of the head bite her hands to restrain her while….

We see

Crawling from between their bodies

From his groin

Up the valley of her breast

An alien penis

Which travels up to her mouth, enters her mouth

Pushes its way down her throat, throbs. Then as the subtitles tell us “choking noises”

She does choking on dick.

Don’t believe me? Think I’m being dirty? Go see it! Pay the $5 and rent it! Eve dies deep throating an alien!

Which makes the doctor lady cry. Fortunately this distraction and a final lunge from dead by dick Eve, helps them to defeat Chad. He’s dead. His babies are dead. Sassy astronaut gets taken to a helicopter with a horny lady who WILL take him consensually. But the movie has one last jump for us.

Just as the first film showed an alien may have survived, We see a cat jump onto the dead body of Eve. Which then yowls, hisses and runs off as her belly begins to grow and yes. A baby is born.

I cannot stress enough how great these films are. Not just for the dick dying scene either. But because it’s good, thought out science fiction. You get a good story, some ‘it makes sense’ backstory. Simple plot and likeable characters. The sequel amps up the gore big time. Introduces some questionable humor. But wisely brings back some familiar faces, continuing their own personal stories and linking them together for this one. They introduce the species in a new way that makes sense. We learn more about the aliens in this one as well. It came out 3 years after the first and it almost feels, especially watching back to back. Like it was one whole film split into two parts. That’s a good thing, and reason enough to include it here as a worthy to the original sequel.